Celestial Reviews 82 - May 8, 1996

Note:  A reader severely chastised me recently for giving an 
inappropriately high rating to a story.  “What were you thinking?” 
shouted my correspondent across cyberspace.  I looked up the story, and 
my correspondent was right.  The story was full of egregious 
proofreading errors.  In my review I had even praised the author for 
“effective use of language.”  What was I thinking?  What indeed!

Let me answer that rhetorical question as honestly as possible.  The 
night when I read that story my husband was watching a basketball game 
on television.  As I left the room, I told him I was going to read and 
review a story or two.  While I was reading the story in question, the 
basketball game ended; and my husband invited me to come to bed.  I 
stated that I wanted to finish the story.  He quietly went away and 
returned with chocolate syrup - deliciously warm chocolate syrup - the 
kind of chocolate syrup that gently caresses the breasts when it is 
carefully poured from a height of about six inches and which can be 
inserted into the pussy and then licked out with gusto - and whipped 
cream.  To make a long story short, we compromised.  I did finish the 
story, and he did get what he wanted. 

Now, to answer the question, “What was I thinking?”  I was thinking 
this was a very hot ff story. FF, you say?  Well, the main characters 
in the story (which I continued to read to its completion) were all 
females, and there was a tongue buried deep inside my cunt doing 
wonderful, chocolaty things that seemed to correspond to what was 
happening in the story; and whenever I looked up from my keyboard I was 
confronted by the Lady of the Month on my husband’s Sports Illustrated 
calendar, who seemed to be making eye contact with me, and she seemed 
to be more interested in what we were doing than in swimming off that 
fine Bermuda beach.  So what was I thinking?  I was thinking this was a 
very hot story.

I finished the story that night, and then I finished my husband a few 
minutes later - or so I thought.  I wrote the review the next morning - 
actually, very late the next morning.  So now maybe you can understand 
some of the complexities of the life of a lonely a.s.s. reviewer.  But 
- you might object - why the specific mention of “effective use of the 
language.”  I’m not sure, but I think this arose from my subconscious 
mind.  It may have something to do with the derivation of the word 
“language.”  The word is derived from the Latin word for tongue.  In 
English we still use the word this way, as when we say a person speaks 
in a foreign tongue; in other languages the connection is even more 
direct.  If you glance back to the preceding paragraph, therefore, I 
think you’ll see where I might have begun to associate “effective use 
of the tongue” with this story.

Only a cunning linguist would notice something like this.  Chastise me 
if you must, but sometimes chastity - I mean chastisement - isn’t all 
that bad.

- Celeste

      “A Quickie” by Eli the Bearded (Infidelity & revenge)
            7, 8, 8
      “Bush Woman” by M Smith (one nighter) 9, 9, 9
      “Sweet Sins” by Rojack (wife watching) 10, 10, 9
      “Among Friends” by Mark Aster (dream orgy) 10, 10, 10
      “The Reluctant Film Star” by James Dawson
            (voyeurism) 9, 8, 8
      “Up in Arms” by Horny Toad (hot one-nighter)
            7, 9, 10
      “La Salope” by Joe Parsons (prostitution and mile-high
            sex) 10, 9.5, 10
      “Coolhands 7” by Anonymous (masturbation & water
            sports) 8, 7, 7

“A Quickie” by Eli the Bearded (bgriffin@ic.sunysb.edu).  This one was 
listed in the postings as “Re A QUICKIE.”  I got the impression that 
Eli looked at the original of “A Quickie” by Coercion and was annoyed 
by it; and so he wrote an ending to the original “incomplete” story.

The original story was about a college girl who snuck into bed with her 
girlfriend’s boyfriend while Jenn was down the hall in the shower.  
Janet and Josh had quick but great sex, and as Janet passed Jenn 
returning from the shower, she thanked her for letting her borrow her 
notes. "No problem. Anytime you need to borrow anything, help 
yourself,” replies the naive Jenn." Janet smiles and says., "I will."

Then Eli seizes control of the plot.  As soon as she enters the room 
with Josh, Jenn immediately realizes what has happened and plans a 
rapid revenge.  She enlists the help of Jasmine, a lesbian bodybuilder 
who lives across the hall.  I won’t go into detail, but I’m not sure 
that cauterizing the freshly circumcised penis with a book of matches 
is a medically sound procedure - although it suits the revenge motif 
admirably.  Eli runs out of gas before Jenn and Jaz head down the hall 
to wreak havoc on Janet - he suggests that someone else take up the 
story.

A writer named TEX did something similar last year.  I enjoyed TEX’s 
efforts and made the story one of my top picks for 1995.  Other 
readers, however, were upset with TEX.  They said they liked the 
fantasy evoked by the original story (raping a teenage burglar) and 
TEX’s “continuation” (the rapist getting his comeuppance) ruined it for 
them.  The same thing will happen here.  People who like the fantasy of 
sneaking in a quick fuck with a girlfriend’s lover will likely be upset 
at the different twist this story takes; but people who are repulsed by 
such duplicity will probably shout hooray while Jenn and Jaz wield 
their blade.

Actually, TEX’s technique was better than Eli’s; but I still enjoyed 
this story.  OK. So you know where my loyalty lies.  And you know what 
will happen to anyone who tries to sneak in a quickie with my husband 
while I’m in the shower - or at this computer.

Ratings for “A Quickie”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
 
“Bush Woman” by M Smith (msmith3282@aol.com).  I have a colleague at 
school who wears a button that recommends doing a “random act of 
kindness.”  This author has a collection of stories about his random 
acts of kindness - also known as one night stands.  This may be the 
first in a series.

The title has nothing to do with what you’re thinking - that part of 
her body is very nicely shaved.  Rather, the title refers to the fact 
that the poor woman was hiding in the bushes, weeping because she had 
been locked out of her apartment.  The kind man takes the poor, sad 
lady to the bar and then brings her home, and they fuck their brains 
out.  She gets over her sadness and returns to her husband, and the 
transient lovers never meet again.  Another random act of kindness.

Ratings for “Bush Woman”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
 
“Sweet Sins” by Rojack (an562541@anon.penet.fi).  Roger and Marlene are 
waiting in nervous anticipation in a motel room.  We don’t know why.  
Then Sheldon shows up.  The black man kisses the white girl 
passionately and she tells her husband she likes Sheldon, and we begin 
to suspect “why.”  But who’s providing the service for whom?  The 
answers quickly become clear to the reader.

I don’t pretend to understand the needs of the protagonists in this 
story. The author describes their relationship as a “curious, curiously 
perfect love”; and that sounds like a good description.  Roger gets 
really turned on by watching his wife get fucked by a black man, and 
Marlene thoroughly enjoys the activity, even though she obviously loves 
her husband.  Sheldon likewise enjoys his role in the festivities, 
chalking up some really hot pleasure for himself while blending in just 
the right amount of taunting for Roger.  I guess there are some people 
who need humiliation and define this kind of activity as satisfying 
their needs.  Myself - I suspect it’s more enjoyable to read about it 
than to participate.

The author states that this is his first story posted on a.s.s.  We can 
look forward to some more good writing.
 
Ratings for “Sweet Sins”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
 
“Among Friends” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  “Warm naked female 
skin presses against my palms in the darkness.  She kisses me again, 
and her breasts are smooth and soft and tender against my chest.  I 
wonder who she is?”  Earlier that evening Our Hero had been with the 
two beautiful Allen sisters and two of their female friends.  The two 
friends were obviously in love with each other, and the lustful 
ambiance caused Our Horny Hero to slip away with Pat for some private 
passion.

After he and Pat have punched each other’s tickets and have fallen 
asleep, Our Hero is vaguely awakened by the naked presence of a person 
who makes tender love to him.  As he drifts back to sleep, he imagines 
who she might have been.  Actually, he could figure it out by waking up 
completely and thinking logically. But the images are all so sweet that 
he hates to give any of them up.  It could have been Julie rising 
quietly from the other side of the bed and making love to him in the 
darkness, struggling to suppress her usual orgasmic screams.  It could 
have been Rachel creeping from Ariana's side and coming down the 
stairs, coming to him and giving herself to him for old times' sake.  
Or, most erotic of all because most unfamiliar, it could have been red-
haired Ariana impaled on his cock, her small breasts bouncing as she 
rode him to orgasm and he pulled her pale stiff nipples.  Sleep 
overtakes him,  and he falls happily into the arms of his unknown 
assailant, and Julie and Rachel and Ariana swirl naked around him in 
his mind, their eyes happy and their bodies flushed with sex. In his 
dreams Pat stands behind them all and runs her hands down over the 
curves of her body, and he quietly fucks them all in his flights of 
fancy until morning.

I’d really like to know if guys find this story as erotic as I did!

Ratings for “Among Friends”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
 
“The Reluctant Film Star” by James Dawson (Dawson@Dawson.com)

Jack is casting a movie in Moscow.  Miss 38DD (Natasha Zvegintzov) is 
obviously impressed with the opulent setting of the hotel.  She is 
overwhelmed at the prospect of getting the acting job, which will 
enable her to get away from Moscow.  The director tells her that “they” 
will need to see what she’ll look like in a bikini; but alas, she has 
brought no bathing suit.  No problem; she can just remove her dress.  
Ah, the casting couch; but the innocent girl is too naive to catch on.  
“It’s standard; and we also need to know whether you can follow 
directions.” She exhibits a perfect picture of submissive femininity as 
she goes through her informal, impromptu striptease.  Naiveté turns to 
gullibility when she lets him check her breasts for implants. She is 
beginning to learn the hard way that being in the movies isn't always 
what it's cracked up to be.

There’s not a lot of action in this story - all anticipation; but very 
good anticipation.

Ratings for “The Reluctant Film Star”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
 
“Up in Arms” by HornyToad (gthomas@qni.com).  This is an excellent 
story; it just barely misses being truly great.  The basic plot focuses 
on the romantic entanglement between a chaperone and a coach who meet 
for the first and only time at a competition for cheerleaders and drill 
teams.  The youthful exuberance of the teenagers establishes a 
background against which the adulterous relationship takes place.  The 
description of the seduction and sexual activities is an excellent 
blend of the hot and the ambivalent.

This story is not a moral lesson, but it does pretty much summarize why 
I am resolutely devoted to my monogamous relationship.  I think it 
would be great fun to have a weekend like the one described here; but 
the consequences would be so distasteful that they would far outweigh 
the benefits.  Hence the value of a story like this, which gives me the 
benefits vicariously and precludes the negative consequences.

The most serious shortcoming of this story is that it is full of 
careless grammatical problems.  In addition, the author tends to 
ramble.  However, the rambling is not all bad - it adds to the charm of 
the story.  It just needs to be brought more under control.

There’s a difference between a “true story” and an anthropological 
study.  For example, the stories that I occasionally tell about myself 
are (for the most part) true; but when I relate an anecdote, I try to 
focus on the information and events that will be of interest to the 
reader.  I don’t feel obligated to relate irrelevant details.  This 
author has a slight tendency to over-engage in inappropriate details.  
This author does not do an *awful* job in this respect - many other 
writers do a lot worse.  My suggestion is that he should have gone over 
the story one more time and occasionally asked himself. “Why am I 
telling them this?”  

With further proofreading this probably would have been one of my 
favorite plots ever.  As it is, it’s still a pretty good story.

Ratings for “Up in Arms”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“La Salope” by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com).  A pilot who is also a 
writer flies into Santa Cruz.  After he checks into his hotel, there is 
a knock at his door. It’s a case of mistaken identity: the visitor is a 
hooker (une scalope) looking for someone else.  No problem, says the 
pilot, I’ll purchase your services.  After he happily takes ole one-eye 
to the optometrist a couple of times, she tells him that she’s not 
really a whore; she came to his door on a bet.  {This is actually a 
matter of semantics.}  No problem, he says; but you’ll have to be 
punished.  And so he spanks her and then they fuck every which way they 
haven’t yet - including in his plane as it speeds along to Santa 
Barbara, where they will fuck some more.

Some things in this story are a bit unrealistic.  Like why would a 
pilot flying into Santa Cruz have two neckties in the first place? Or 
why would a woman enjoy being bound by those two cravats and other 
restraints while a sexy stranger teased her with his joystick and 
seemed determined to drive her out of her mind before finally plunging 
his tool into her?  And what’s the big deal about fucking in an 
airplane anyway?  And can a guy really come five times in less than 24 
hours and still be looking for more?  And aren’t “scallop” and 
“scalope” close enough in pronunciation to cause serious embarrassment 
to Frenchmen who like mollusks?  

This is an interesting fantasy!

Ratings for “La Scalope”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

“Coolhands 7” by Anonymous (an482683@anon.penet.fi).  Originally I 
thought “Coolhands” was a single story with several chapters, and so I 
decided to wait until I had the missing parts before reading and 
reviewing a lengthy story.  Not so!  Each episode in this series 
apparently stands on its own.  This one is about Cindy, a 16-year-old 
girl who masturbates in vivid detail and pees in a creative manner.  
It’s pretty sexy, if you’re interested in such things.

A problem with the story is that the language is needlessly 
repetitious.  A careful proofreading would have eliminated some of the 
details or replaced them with others that didn’t say what had already 
been said.

Finally, it’s always interesting to see what Freudian interpretation my 
spellcheck will apply to unfamiliar words.  In this case. my spellcheck 
thinks this story should be called “Colonnades 7.”  Go figure.

Ratings for “Colonnades 7”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7