Celestial Reviews 81 - May 4, 1996
Note: Someone kindly noted that I neglected to post the
following message in CR 80, which was dated May 1:
Hurray, hurray it's the first of May,
Outdoor fucking starts today!
The same correspondent mentioned that he has set up a Web site
with all the Allens stories:
http://users.aol.com/myfrthal/
I wonder who that person was.
- Celeste
“I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty” by
Unknown Author (three-way) 5, 5, 5
“Three Second Violation” by Faust (voyeurism &
impending orgy) 8, 8, 8
“Four” by Deirdre (bizarre dinner party) 10, 9, 8
“Mall” by Deirdre (ff anal sex) 10, 10, 10
“Lust at the Sacred Altar” by Jason and Blanca
Masters (mindless drivel - possibly about sex)
1, 1, 1
“The Storm” by D.A. Ignatius (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
“Highway Patrol” by Rainman (sex with cops)
9, 10, 10
“Hercules Meets Reality” by Reality Tales (Greek
mythology & sex) 4, 4, 4
“Neighbor” by Mickey (neighborly love) 7, 5, 5
“I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty” by Unknown Author. I
found this story from the THC Archive neatly tucked away under
the title NYMPH1.TXT. Dick and Kathy are a young couple who have
quarreled at a party. Dick comes home early. The surprised
baby-sitter calls her mother and says something like, “These
people have quarreled, and the husband has come home alone; and
so I think I should stay here for a while.” Mom, of course,
agrees; and, of course, the baby-sitter gives the guy some really
great head, which gives her the best orgasm of her young life.
The wife shows up and catches them in flagrante delicto, of
course; and she immediately starts caressing and kissing the
baby-sitter, and all three retire to the master bedroom for some
more leisurely sex. The husband and wife, of course, become
reconciled. The key to effective marital counseling, it seems,
is for the therapist (baby-sitter) to pull the wife's probing
fingers from the baby-sitter’s twitching ass before the husband
pushes his raging cock beyond the entrance to the baby-sitter’s
angelic ass. I’m just kidding. The author didn’t really say
“angelic ass.” That would be silly. Actually it was the baby-
sitter’s “pulsing anus.”
Here’s the worst idea in the story: “He would stick just the tip
{of his cock} in my pussy and sweep gobs of love juice up into my
anus.” I think maybe this is how neighborhood nymphos get their
bad reputation. This strategy practically guarantees a yeast
infection. It’s not even a good idea to make this anus-to-vagina
connection while masturbating. The problem is that the microbes
that inhabit one site don’t have any natural enemies in the
other. It is common practice to ignore HIV and STDs and birth
control in a.s.s. stories; but one of the surest ways to get a
really bad rash is to take an uncleaned penis directly from a
person’s anus to the vagina or vice versa.
The author gets the Pristine Vocabulary Award for this eloquent
excerpt: “Kathy soon sucame....” Why not? It’s easier to spell
than succumbed.
What really troubles me is that my American Heritage Online
Dictionary did not include the term “in flagrante delicto.” My
offline unabridged dictionary does have it, but does not include
the word “in” as part of the phrase. Can someone advise me?
Even worse, my spellcheck thought that sucame was supposed to be
“sumac.”
Ratings for “I Was the Neighborhood Nympho...”
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
“Three Second Violation” by Faust (dcain@gslink.com). For some
reason a woman opens the door to the locker room after a
basketball game and for some reason there is a naked guy standing
in front of his locker with his shirt pulled over his head so
that he cannot see her. When he goes to the shower, she follows,
still unseen. Surprisingly, the rest of the team shows up behind
the voyeur and confronts her, so to speak. What’s a girl to do?
She takes on the whole team.
There are some implausible elements in this story. First, locker
rooms are almost always designed so that when the door comes open
a passerby cannot see the naked people inside. Second, Gerry
Faust is a football coach, not a basketball coach. Third, this
would take more than three seconds.
Ratings for “Three Second Violation”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Four” by Deirdre. Do you remember the first time you were
invited to a dinner party at which the husbands were bound naked
in the basement while the wives had a delicious meal in the
dining room? And do you remember how much fun the girls had with
the leather strap afterwards, and how much the guys seemed to
enjoy it? And do you remember the great sex you had with your
husband the rest of the night after you got home and how much he
looked forward to the next dinner party? And do you remember how
shy you were the first time about getting naked yourself at the
dinner table but how you eventually got into things and were
easily willing to diddle the hostess’s clit, even though you
remained timid about eating her out? Neither do I, but Deirdre
makes this bizarre story seem believable.
Ratings for “Four”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Mall” by Deirdre. Two female friends are having drinks at the
mall. “Wouldn’t you like to lick that ass?” says one, as a hot
babe in a bikini walks past. Gulp, says the other. This story
is really hard to summarize. It’s short. Read it yourself. It
will hold your attention. It certainly did hold mine.
Ratings for “Mall”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Lust at the Sacred Altar” by Jason and Blanca Masters
(jmaster@gate.net). As I read this story, it occurred to me that
since this was labeled “page 7” maybe I should look at pages 1-6
of the “Nasty Lady Diaries.“ After I read this part, I decided
to pass on that. This story isn’t even good enough to be
considered bad. I think it’s about a woman having oral sex with a
guy by stepping on his mouth with a spiked heel - only none of
the words are spelled like that and there’s no logical order to
the presentation. The sacred altar of the title line may be a
toilet seat, although there is none mentioned. Stories like this
make me lose faith in sexual perverts.
Ratings for “Lust at the Sacred Altar”
Athena (technical quality): 1
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
“The Storm” by D.A. Ignatius (jash@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu). The
author of the DarkNites stories is especially adept at describing
the role of power in sexual encounters. In this story, she
blends the power of sexual passion with the power of a violent
storm. I cannot summarize the imagery adequately in this review,
and so I am not going to try. As I read this story, I found
myself feeling the power of the orgasms and of the storm as they
blended together.
Ratings for “The Storm”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Highway Patrol” by Rainman. The guy had been late for work and
had been speeding. Now he has been pulled over by a beautiful
police officer, who asks for his license and registration. He is
distracted by her female charms. In his own words: “Finally I
leaned over and began shuffling through papers in my clovebox.”
If I were a cop, I would have that effect on the men I arrested -
making them fumble with their clovebox while they looked at my
tits pushing against my uniform. I would probably do something
really clever - like telling the guy to get out of the car and
spread ‘em, while I looked for his concealed weapon. Then I’d
gently cup his balls and tell him to turn his head and cough.
Ooops! I’m mixing my policewoman and doctor fantasies again!
Actually, this officer has a partner - an equally lovely woman
whose black hair complements her partner’s blondness. This man
is going to be sexually harassed! (In my version, I would say to
my blonde partner, “ Looks like we’re going to get a little
behind in our quotas today.”) A law-abiding citizen, he submits
to the handcuffs. He knows at that moment that they can do with
him as they please and he will be perfectly content to let them.
(In my version, we would eventually give him “time off for very
good behavior.”)
I know what you’re going to say. We shouldn’t condone letting
police officers waste our tax money having raucous sex with
innocent citizens when they should be spendint their time making
our streets and donut shops safe for society. But there’s
something about a person in uniform....
The story ended with a “to be continued,” while Jake was
handcuffed to a tree after his first orgasm. I normally hate
these incomplete stories, but I’m going to make an exception for
this one. I think there’s more good stuff to cum. The part of
the story that troubled me most was my spellcheck’s insistence
that I spell “blondness” either “blandness” or “blindness.”
Perhaps I should give the author probation, but I’m going to
presume that the rest will continue to be of quality comparable
to what I have seen.
Ratings for “Highway Patrol”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Hercules Meets Reality” by Reality Tales (dimitri@ihug.co.nz).
Most of the Greek myths originated before grammar was fully
developed; hence the grammatical incoherence of this story. The
sexual activity is impressive, but not very vivid; we hear that
Hercules and his Faithful Sidekick beat the shit out of all the
men in a tavern and then fuck a beautiful girl for several hours,
but the details are sparse. Thereafter, Hercules goes about the
countryside and rapes all the woman, kills all the men, and burns
all the villages. Eventually he rules the world - actually, he
would rule over a very large number of women with very sore
cunts, because in accordance with the preceding sentence all the
men in the world would be dead. Then he kills Zeus and fucks
Hera (who, as we all know, was his mother).
This story is not completely illiterate. Some of the information
in the story reveals a partial knowledge of Greek mythology - or
at least of American or British television based on Greek
mythology. The author spins this tale to counter all that silly,
boring nonsense about Hercules being a Hero and all that. What
he fails to make clear is why his silly nonsense itself should be
considered anything other than silly and boring.
Ratings for “Hercules Meets Reality”
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
“Neighbor” by Mickey (KKLV22A@prodigy.com). This is a very
simple seduction story about a man who goes over to his
neighbor’s house to help he with her hot water problem. She
comes on to him and the copulate happily.
Ratings for “Neighbor”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5