Celestial Reviews 79 - April 27, 1996
“Occupation” or “Marie’s Hospitality” by Wollstonecraft
(rape & pregnancy) 10, 10, 10
“The Wild Heart” by Madeline Winter (voyeurism &
small orgy) 10, 8, 8
“Lycra Slut Letters” by Suzie Sleaze (exhibitionism)
8, 6, 5
“Lady Chatterly’s Lover” by D.H. Lawrence (classic sex
novel) 10, 10, 10
“Dilbert : The Dongbert Zone” by Deidre Ng (humor)
10, 8, 10
“Proposition” by D.A. Ignatius (sexual fantasy) 8, 5, 5
“Point of View” by Martine Glowinski (romance)
9, 8, 8
“Let Your Fingers Do the Riding” by Solo Polyphony
(masturbation & exhibitionism) 10, 10, 10
“Geology 101” by Timer (masturbation, exhibitionism,
etc.) 10, 9.5, 9.5
“Connecting Through the Wall” by Peter V. Principle
(romance & voyeurism) 10, 9.5, 10
“Fuck Me Pastor” by Emma Ness (sex with the
pastor) 8, 5, 5
“Occupation” or “Marie’s Hospitality” by Wollstonecraft
(an285729@anon.penet.fi). Some of you may already know this, but Mary
Wollstonecraft was an early British feminist author whose 237th
birthday is celebrated today. Her “Vindication of the Rights of Women,”
a polemic essay that rivaled the work of Edmund Burke, influenced many
19th-century suffragists. She married the writer and philosopher
William Godwin in 1797; but died just a few months later, 11 days after
giving birth to Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, the future author of
“Frankenstein” and wife of the poet Percy Bysshe Shelley. It seems
likely that the author of the present story is named after the latter,
who eloped in 1814 with Shelley to Europe and married him after the
suicide in 1816 of his first wife. Never say that you don’t learn
useful things here in Celestial Reviews.
In this story Marie is being molested by a soldier, while her husband
literally sits by and lets it happen. The soldier is from the “army of
liberation”; and the husband reasons that the least Marie can do is be
hospitable to the poor guy, since he’ll probably get his brains blown
out the next day fighting for their freedom. And besides, it’s not
good policy to say no to big guys with guns, especially when the guy’s
army is occupying the town. This is an interesting, thought-provoking
story - sort of a combination of Mary Shelley and H.H. Munro (Saki) -
which means that it has a surprise ending.
Ratings for "Occupation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“The Wild Heart” by Madeline Winter (http://users.aol.com/specpress).
The marriage of Axel and Greta - a teacher and an architect - has
become “prosaic.” The Swedish husband and wife have gone to the Palace
Hotel to spice up their love life and have met a friendly Danish
couple in the night club. The wife lusts for the Danish husband; and
it happens that he has extended to her husband an invitation to attend
a private sex party at their estate the next evening. The two couples
engage in rollicking sex and voyeurism, first in spouse-to-spouse
mating and then changing partners. It’s impossible to tell at the end
of the episode whether this has had the desired restorative effect on
their relationship. I suppose later chapters might shed light on this
issue.
Ratings for " The Wild Heart "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Lycra Slut Letters” by Suzie Sleaze (101445.2670@compuserve.com).
The Lycra Slut Letters are written in the form of correspondence from
an exhibitionistic wife to her husband, who is away on a trip or
something like that. The letters are largely incoherent, but that’s
deliberate - Suzie is not supposed to be a rocket scientist; she writes
to pleaZE. The intended audience consists of voyeuristic readers who
presumably would enjoy hearing about the fantasies and “real” escapades
of the horny couple. In addition to a lot of off-the-wall innuendo,
the letter I reviewed consisted mostly of a description of Suzie
juicing herself up in a restaurant in the presence of a Stranger, while
her husband watched the sequence from a separate table. Everybody
bangs happily.
I guess this is a decent story of this genre. It just seems to me that
this kind of stuff would be really easy to write. I find greater
enjoyment in stories with a little more subtlety to the plot. It’s a
taste thing; somebody else might really like this story. Oh well,
whatever creams your twinkie!
Ratings for "Lycra Slut Letters"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
“Lady Chatterly’s Lover” by D.H. Lawrence
(http://users.aol.com/specpress). This novel was first published in
1928 in a privately printed edition in Italy. I read it when I was in
college, mostly because I heard it had been “banned in Boston.” We’ve
come a long way in erotic literature since then; but this is still an
outstanding novel. As a rule of thumb, you should never pay any
attention at all to an English teacher who admires “The Great Gatsby”
and “Daisy Miller” but has never read “Lady Chatterly.”
Lady Chatterly is the wife of a British industrialist who has been
paralyzed below the waist by war wounds. D.H. Lawrence was a symbolism
nut (His most famous short story is “The Rocking-Horse Winner,” which
actually makes it into libraries and classrooms throughout the United
States because the censors think it’s about a kid who likes to ride
horses); and Mr. Chatterly serves as a metaphor for upper-class
impotence. Imagine that! They had that problem in England back in
1928! Constance (Lady) Chatterly finds fulfillment in a sexual union
with Mellors, her husband's gamekeeper. This relationship expresses the
author's belief in the health of physical life freed from social
constraint. At the time he wrote the novel, Lawrence's descriptions of
sexual activity were the most explicit, lyrical descriptions of sex
outside the bible; and this, of course, led to his prosecution for
obscenity in the United States, Britain, and Canada between 1959 and
1962.
The preceding paragraph was adapted from a book report I wrote many
years ago, and which received a grade of “A” in a Catholic college.
Imagine that! The teacher was a priest! Imagine that! He must have
liked my references to symbolism. He thought “Gatsby” and “Miller”
sucked donkeys - although he used a different metaphor that was more
common at that time. He’s no longer a priest, but he is married to an
ex-nun. Imagine that! I still see him occasionally; and he says that
his only regret is that he didn’t marry an ex-nun whose name was Sister
John Thomas. {This is inside humor. There almost certainly have been
several nuns in the United States with that name; and “Lady Chatterly”
is the first place in print where I ever saw the male genitalia
referred to as John Thomas.} Actually, there’s a reasonable
possibility that this former mentor might be lurking on a.s.s. and
reading this review. If so, I trust he won’t blow my cover. I also
wish to apologize to anyone named Sister John Thomas who happens to
read this review.
I DON’T think “Lady Chatterly” is better than some of the other stories
that I have reviewed for this newsgroup. Its appeal arises largely
from its historical significance. On the other hand, it IS still a
damned good story, as this excerpt will demonstrate.
Anyway, if you have never read “Lady Chatterly,” you should take this
opportunity to sample Chapter 14 for free. Spectrum gets my Public
Service Award for making this book readily available to the general
public.
Ratings for "Lady Chatterly’s Lover"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Dilbert : The Dongbert Zone” by Deidre Ng (deidreng@aol.com). This
posting represents a slightly different literary genre than that
discussed in my previous review (“Lady Chatterly’s Lover”).
Specifically, this is a series of cartoon strips without the cartoons.
However, if you are familiar with the Dilbert cartoon series, it’s
simple enough to use your imagination to supply the drawings. For
example, Dongbert is simply Dilbert with a specific part of his anatomy
enlarged. The same goes for Cuntbert, Assbert, and the other
characters. Catbert retains his/her original appearance, since cats
are already the highest form of life. I am going to make no further
attempt to describe this creative attempt at sexual humor.
Shortly after Deidre posted this series of cartoons, she received a
terse, unpleasant e-mail message from Assbert himself, denouncing her
for violating the sacred image of Dilbert. The message would have been
sort of cute, until I realized the author was serious. Good Grief,
this is satire! And pretty good satire.
Ratings for "Dilbert : The Dongbert Zone"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Proposition” by D.A. Ignatius (jash@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu). In her
introduction the author debates whether this is a story or a letter.
She decided to post it as a story, but I would have voted for a letter.
I did not enjoy this as much as the other DarkNites stories, because I
had trouble getting a perspective on the plot. I think most readers
have a problem with second-person narratives; it’s simply difficult for
the reader to identify with the person labeled “you.” In addition, the
present story has characters known as M. and K., and I couldn’t even
ascertain such basic details as whether they were male or female.
The “plot” is simple. The writer of the letter is horny as hell and
wants to get together with the recipient and fuck for a couple of days.
I guess that ain’t all bad!
Ratings for "Proposition"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
“Point of View” by Martine Glowinski (http://users.aol.com/specpress).
This is an excerpt from another Spectrum novel. The title of this
chapter is “A Woman of Passion.” The heroine is a French woman who has
been the mistress of a wealthy businessman for many years but has
suddenly become passionately involved with a much younger man. The sex
is pretty hot, and the editors did a decent job on the grammar and
style; and so I’ll focus in this review on what I learned about the
French as lovers from this story.
First, the two lovers initially met at a restaurant called the Cafe des
Deux Magots on the Left Bank. Do French lovers really meet at such
romantic sounding places, or does Magot mean something other than what
I think it means?
Second, when a young Frenchman has anal sex with his girlfriend, he
uses olive oil rather than KY Jelly. Actually, they used an entire
tube of lip ointment, because they were out of olive oil for this
unexpected pleasure. En Amerique, when we’re out of KY we usually use
either WD-40 or duct tape. Wait a minute - maybe that’s in American
prisons....
Third, when the French have sexual relations in places called cinemas,
the woman customarily puts her panties in her purse; and the
proprietress is likely to become upset if the couple causes a
disruption by leaving (coming appears not to be a problem) before the
show is over.
Actually, I am not really that naive; I just spotted a few anomalies in
this story. My knowledge of French lovemaking is fairly extensive; I
occasionally kiss the way the French invented, and some of my favorite
activities have French sounding labels that can replace the Anglo-Saxon
that flows more readily from my lips during the heat of passion. And I
really got turned on once by a porn flick that had French music playing
in the background. And after all, Celeste is a French name. But the
Cafe des Deux Magots on the Left Bank? That sounds gauche to me.
Ratings for "Point of View"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Let Your Fingers Do the Riding” by Solo Polyphony
(solo.polyphony@teamhbbs.com). OK, so here’s the story. A woman is
riding alone in a subway car late at night. It is very cold. She
pulls her arms and hands inside her jacket and hugs herself to keep
warm. One thing leads to another, and pretty soon she’s masturbating.
After all, she’s alone in the car. She is rapidly approaching orgasm,
when she looks up and sees a man was standing in the aisle about ten
feet away, his eyes riveted on her crotch, the bulge in his pants
registering his interest. Their eyes meet. "Sorry to disturb you," he
says, in the most incredibly gentle voice, “I saw what you were doing
from the next car, and I just couldn't resist coming over to this one
for a better look."
What can you do when you're faced with a gentlemanly apology like that?
She does the ladylike thing: "Why don't you
have a seat?" Then she continues with the show. But first she says,
"Perhaps you'd like to open your pants and do likewise?"
What can a guy say after a show like that? "Hundred and Tenth!" the man
exclaims after he ejaculates. "Oh, shit! My stop was 96th!" Ah, the
vicissitudes of life in the Big Apple!
Ratings for "Let Your Fingers Do the Riding"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Geology 101” by Timer (Timer@pbinet.com). This may already be obvious
to you, but the expression, “Study hard!” can actually have two
distinct meanings - at least when the words are spoken to a guy. They
could mean, “WORK hard while you study” or “BE hard while you study!”
If you already knew that one, I suppose you’ll also see the
implications of this one: "I’ve got to spend the day boning up for
geology."
It’s not that the story is nothing but a bunch of puns; but I like to
savor a good play on words when I encounter one.
The story is about a mature (age 28) college student who becomes
attracted to his geology teacher (age 42), who inspires him to study
hard by giving him a pair of her panties as study material after he
jerks her off during an office conference; then she helps him bone up
on geology by inviting him to her condo for an extra opportunity to
work hard. It’s pretty sexy stuff. I especially liked the highly
descriptive masturbation scenes.
I don’t think things like this happen all the often in the typical
Rocks for Jocks course. However, after reading this story I am going
to be a little more careful about the instructions I give my own
students. Just yesterday I told them to study hard in their small
groups. And now that I think about it, a young man whom I suspect to
be gay told me last month that he was going home to bone up on Walt
Whitman. Imagine that, if you will.
Ratings for "Geology 101"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
“Connecting Through the Wall” by Peter V. Principle
(an347524@anon.penet.fi). Readers who are married with children will
identify with this story. The man and his wife are vacationing with
their children and want to have some romantic sex while the kids are
sleeping in the same motel room. Many a time my husband and I have
been glad to hear the air conditioner’s compressor kick in to mask any
noises we might make while we secretly fucked our brains out without
letting our apparently sleeping daughters know that their parents were
in heat. The protagonists in this story have the same problem, and
they solve it the same way we did.
Afterwards, the man awakens and hears noises in the room next door.
Apparently another couple is making love there. The narrator vividly
describes his own reactions and activities as he listens and imagines
while these adjacent lovers consummate their union. It’s pretty hot
stuff.
Ratings for “Connecting Through the Wall”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Fuck Me Pastor” by Emma Ness (rbrown@k12.colostate.edu). Perhaps the
most interesting part of this story is the author’s name. As she
herself explains, “Just remember that S. & M. is not a name, but Emma
Ness is.” As a cunning linguist, I would put it more succinctly: “Emma
Ness is her name; S & M is her game.”
Emma goes for “counselling” at St. Peter's Episcopal rectory.
{Interestingly, when I was in school the Catholics actually used to
have a feast in honor of St. Peter’s Erection. However, I think it had
more to do with architecture than with anatomy.) Respectable
Episcopalian clergymen, the author tells us, are almost always horny;
but they take the longest time about getting around to the point. Look
at their wives, says the author - uniformly attired in expensive but
sexless designer outfits, worn with white pantyhose. Frigid cock-
teasers like to wear white pantyhose. I know the pope and the Jesuits
wear white pantyhose - oops! I’m being tasteless about the wrong
religion.
The sex in this story is not really all that hot. I’ve had much better
fantasies about the clergyman of my choice while he bored the
congregation with his homely homily. I’m not a theologian, but I don’t
think there’s much uniquely Episcopalian about the sex in this story.
It sort of reminded me of Blazing Baptists. The author plans to treat
us to similar treatises about the Lutheran, Presbyterian, and Methodist
communions in the near future. However, if you want to mix sex and
religion, both Wollstonecraft’s religious works and the Wild Nun
stories do a much better job - unless, of course, your religious
beliefs require you to restrict your sacrilegious thoughts to a
particular sect.
Ratings for “Fuck Me Pastor”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5