Celestial Reviews 74 - Mar 30, 1996
Note: I am now using a rating system which gives each story three
discrete ratings. These are explained in more detail in my FAQ, but
here is a summary.
Athena Rating. This rating covers such matters as grammar, spelling,
formatting, and creative use of the language. A story with essentially
no serious grammar, spelling, or usage problems will receive a rating
of 8. To get a rating of 9 or 10, the author will have to do something
creative with the language.
Venus Rating. This rating describes such matters as plot and character
development.
Celeste Rating. This rating describes how much I myself liked the
story.
Second Note: Authors often ask how I select stories for review. I get
them from two sources: (1) authors (or others) send me stories via e-
mail, and (2) I find stories that sound interesting in the a.s.s.
postings. When I get busy, I rely more heavily on (1). If you have a
story that you would like me to review, you should probably send it to
me. If you send me a story, I consider that to be a sign that you want
me to talk about it publicly in these reviews. If you want help with a
story before you post it, I can match you up with one or two of the
volunteer proofreaders who have offered to help authors on this
newsgroup
- Celeste
"Magic" by D.A. Ignatius (romance & adventure) 10, 10, 10
"Face of Betrayal" by Morpheus' Twin (spouse watching) 10,
10, 10
"Klanwoman" by Zifferman (interracial sex) 7, 5, 4
"Love in an Elevator" by SweetDreamer (anal sex) 10, 9.5,
10
"Horny" by Anonymous (hot sex in a van) 5, 5, 5
"Red Hot" by Sue (orgy) 9.5, 10, 10
"Rain" by M.M. Twassel (voyeurism & emerging sexuality)
9, 10, 10
"Sondra's Day" by Pete Ferrer (romance) 8, 10, 10
"Pat Considers" by Mark Aster (possible pregnancy) 10, 10,
10
"Two Baby Sitters" by SexySailor (emerging sexuality)
8, 10, 10
"Magic" by D.A. Ignatius (jash@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu). This is another in
the "DarkNites" series of reposts. The story takes place in an
undefined place - it could be in a galaxy far away; it could be in
mythological times; it could be somewhere in the world right now. The
reader starts out with the awareness that something very vivid and very
erotic is happening, but having no idea what is really going on. As I
started to decipher the story, I thought maybe we had a warrior queen
who had been captured by a warrior king and now must pay the price by
mating with him. But as new information became available I had to
adjust my perceptions. It was ambiguous to me, for example, whether
Lorelei was being raped or whether she was getting what she wanted. It
was hard to determine who was in control.
Sometimes ambiguity is bad, but sometimes it's good. In this case the
ambiguity is deliberate, and it is good. When I reached the end of the
story, part of my reaction was, "What was that all about?" Often this
reaction is a sign of indignation or frustration, but this time it was
evidence of fascination. I had to reread and rethink earlier events in
terms of what I learned from later events. This is an interesting
approach if it is carried off effectively; and - even though I think
there is room for improvement - I think this author did a good job.
I recall reviewing one of Elf Sternberg's stories, in which he used
what I'll call a random-journal approach - that is, the story started
on a page from the narrator's fictitious journal and assumed that the
reader knew what lay behind the events described in that journal entry.
When using this approach, the author knows perfectly well that the
readers won't be able to meet this assumption; readers will discover
later in the journal entry (or even in subsequent stories that purport
to be previous or subsequent entries) information that will make events
in a particular story make better sense. Because I stated that some
readers would be agitated by the ambiguity of Elf's style, some readers
thought that I was saying that the story was badly written in this
respect. Not true. If the author implements this technique
effectively, the reader experiences a sensation of "Oh, so now I get
it" that contributes to the enjoyment of the story.
I have digressed. You can enjoy this story even if you don't care
about the literary criticism stuff that I described in the preceding
paragraph. That paragraph tries to tell you *why* you'll enjoy the
story; it's quite likely that you may not care *why*, as long as you
*do* enjoy the story. The plot focuses on the first-time sexual
encounter of a woman who is used to being self-confident and dominant
with a man who is now in charge but wants the experience to be
beautiful for her. This encounter evokes images and emotions that
generate the sexual tension that permeates story. You'll probably
enjoy it even if you don't know (or care) why. However, the story is
designed to be part of a longer story; and although it is enjoyable
even in its present form, it would be more enjoyable if it could be
read in its final context.
Ratings for "Magic"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"Face of Betrayal" by Morpheus' Twin (an282402@anon.penet.fi). Rick
comes home from work unexpectedly and finds his wife (Maddie) in bed
with another man. Rick doesn't burst into the room and raise hell or
sneak away to feel hurt or plot revenge; rather, he reasons about what
he sees. He is primarily angry; but once he settles down, he also
finds it a little bit stimulating. He reflects on his sex life and his
overall relationship with his wife, and he decides that life is
actually pretty good. And so he calmly walks into the room, takes off
his clothes and joins the copulating couple. They are stunned at
first; but once they are instructed to do so, they manage to continue
their activity with the added participant. As the narrator puts it - he
treated the man as a guest not only in his home, but in his wife as
well. After the confrontation, the stranger comes rapidly inside
Maddie; and then Rick and his wife go at it together. Rick is
reassured by Maddie's obvious ardor in their lovemaking, and they
climax happily.
Afterwards, Rick gets his Swiss army knife from his coat pocket, kills
them both, and chops their bodies into small pieces with an axe that he
keeps in the hall closet. No; that doesn't happen! I don't know what
came over me to make me say that. What really happens is Rick tells
the stranger to get lost so that he and Maddie can talk things over.
Rick asks his wife for an explanation, and she replies that she has
secretly been reviewing stories written by a person named Deirdre for
an Internet newsgroup and that a mysterious force had seized control
over her and forced her to have anal sex with young men assigned to her
by her new mistress. Actually, that doesn't happen either; but I kind
of like that plot. You'll have to read the story to see what really
does happen.
In real life, the conflict resolution strategy employed by this couple
may be risky. Both Abby and Ann would suggest that husband and wife
should consult a counselor. However, this story makes for much more
interesting reading. My own advice from the Dear Celeste column is if
you or your spouse feel a need for something like this, you should read
a good story (like this one) and get it out of your system vicariously.
That way no one gets hurt.
Ratings for "Face of Betrayal"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Klanwoman" by Zifferman (zifferman@aol.com). The actual title of this
story appears to be "KKK Wife," but for some reason the author used a
different label in the story's title line in the postings. The story
focuses on the exploits of a fundamentally prejudiced White woman who
suddenly finds true fulfillment in the arms of a Black man.
I think Zifferman set out to achieve a social egalitarian goal: he
wanted to make a statement to contradict the notion that Blacks are
inferior to Whites. Unfortunately, he tries to accomplish his goal by
employing more unfounded stereotypes than he debunks. For example, I
really doubt that the typical Black teenager has a dong like a donkey
with which he's constantly ready and able to service needy White women.
Likewise, I don't have a great fondness of Klansmen, but I really doubt
that they have pathetic little penises. The author also throws in
references to Christianity and to parts of the United States that
reflect personal rhetoric more than reality. Finally, the attempt at
dialect simply doesn't ring true; dialectical spellings are used
inconsistently and simply give the impression of ignorance rather than
ethnic or regional verisimilitude.
Nevertheless, this isn't an awful story. If you're willing to buy into
the notion that the wife of the Grand Kleegle or whatever they call him
is likely to become enraptured with a friendly Black boy whom she sees
bathing in the creek, fall deeply in love with him as a result of an
intense sexual encounter, rescue him from an angry mob, and then run
off with him to a life of marital bliss, you may enjoy this story.
Ratings for "Klanwoman"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Love in an Elevator" by SweetDreamer (an277910@anon.penet.fi ). Is it
possible to have sex in a crowded elevator while it travels from the
110th floor to the lobby? According to this story, it works best of
you use the back door and count on a round trip in order to complete
the entire activity.
Ratings for "Love in an Elevator"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Horny" by Anonymous. This was one of several stories posted from *-
=ASA=-* (Adult Stories Archive). I decided to have a look. If you
want a story that appears to be literate (correct spelling,
punctuation, etc.), you'll probably want to skip this one. Likewise,
if you want a story where there's a bit of an actual plot, this one
probably won't suit your needs. On the other hand, if you're
interested in a wham-bam story where a woman simply wants a steel rod
up her horny cunt, this one may be just what you need, as long as
you're not annoyed by its general low level of literacy.
Ratings for "Horny"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Red Hot" by Sue (suenh@kear.tdsnet.com). This story has a build-up
that is itself longer than most of the sex stories on this newsgroup.
By the time the real sex got started, I felt that I actually knew the
participants.
Sue serves as an art consultant to an elementary school. She meets
with the teachers and principal; and after school she finds it
necessary to accompany John (the principal) and two of the teachers
(Polly and Michael) to the married couple's house. The chemistry
starts to warm up when Michael shows Sue how to improve her technique
at cutting zucchini - a vegetable I have never before seen mentioned on
this newsgroup. The others eventually discover that this person with
them is THE SueNH from the most popular Newsgroup on Internet. John
has practically died and gone to heaven, because not only does he lurk
on alt.sex.stories (which draws him to Sue), but he also is constantly
on the alert for stories and pictures of red-heads (a disability which
attracts him to Polly). Fortunately, John is not also attracted to
burly, male, Eastern European art teachers; and so the prospects for
grouping and groping look good.
When someone suggests that Sue could write a story about their
gathering, she disingenuously suggests that she needs more hints, and
then the orgy ensues. It turns out that red-haired Polly does not
object in principle to making it with her principal when she lets her
down, and Michael is especially interested in Sue now that he has
learned that she is one of the three hottest women on alt.sex.stories.
It is only fitting that I end this pun-filled paragraph with Sue's own
award-winning statement about Polly as she went to work on John:
"Normally he was the principal. Tonight she was the headmistress." And
I was so damned pleased with my own humble pun about the orgy ensuing!
An interesting element of the story is that Sue several times mentions
her own personal distaste for anal sex. She likes to be rimmed, but
objects up the ass tend to strike her as painful. {You know, it's
really hard to write this paragraph without sounding like I'm making
puns! But I'm trying to be serious here.} The effect is really
interesting. Sue is actually able to make the story more erotic by
mentioning the kind of sex she is NOT having.
For some reason the formatting of Sue's story has run amuck. There are
no apostrophes at all in the entire story, even though many are called
for. In addition, all the beginning quotes have been changed to "Mail"
and the end quotes to "Save as...". This is really quite annoying. I
am certain that Sue is smart enough not to make these mistakes; but the
effect is severely distracting. I suggest that you use a global change
strategy to get rid of the "Mail" and "Save as..." problem. Somebody
out there must know what is happening. Is everyone getting this mucked
up version of the story, or is it the result of some sort of
interaction between Sue's system and my AOL system? I suggest this
possibility, because I found a similar problem in one other (but not
all) of the stories that I downloaded from the postings through AOL
this week. If someone can tell me the solution to this problem, I'll
post it in a future issue. I suspect that a lot of readers and writers
would like to know what to do about this.
Ratings for "Red Hot"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Rain" by M.M. Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com). "An orgasm is "like
winning all the Nintendo games at once." Those words are spoken by an
18-year old girl to an 11-year-old boy while both of them are watching
from seclusion as two couples make it on the nearby beach. The author
has taken the story entitled "Rain" by Mark Aster, which I reviewed in
the last issue of CR, and has introduced the perspective of the young
boy and the other girl watching from a nearby sand dune. I don't want
to tell you much more about the story; you should read it for yourself.
It's a really sensitive and sexy story of emerging sexuality. Although
its title is "Rain," it's listed in the postings as "More Rain."
Ratings for "Rain"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Sondra's Day" by Pete Ferrer (Ferrer@msn.com). It's her birthday, and
29-year-old Sondra feels an emptiness in her life. Her husband is
asleep in the next room. Although their son is spending the night with
grandma, the couple has decided to celebrate the birthday on the
weekend instead of today. In addition, Sondra feels a mixture of
longing and guilt; in spite of her continued love for her husband, she
has been having an affair with a coworker for the past eight months,
and she can't help thinking about him. Her husband wakes up, comes
into the room, and kisses her; and suddenly there's a knock at the
door. It's her lover; and he and the husband combine to give her the
sexual evening of her lifetime. Even though I have told you perhaps
too much of the plot, I think you'll enjoy the story. I know I did,
even though I guessed the ending about a quarter of the way into the
story.
As an aside, I might note that I think this story achieves the
egalitarian impact that the author of "Klanwoman" missed. In this
story the wife and husband are white and the lover black, but racial
stereotypes play no role in the story. They're all three good people
trying to make one another happy.
This is one of those stories that I would really like to act out in
real life - but which I really wouldn't want to act out in real life.
That last sentence is as contradictory as I can make it, and it
expresses my feelings exactly. This is a really, really hot fantasy
for me {"a fucking hot fantasy," if I may anticipate my Grammar Tip at
the end of this issue of Celestial Reviews}; and if I were 100% certain
I could act it out in real life without doing anybody any harm, I would
go for it. However, I know that's impossible - the actual activity
would require fundamental changes in my relationship with my husband
and would involve someone else in a possibly unfortunate way; and so I
am simply grateful for this excellent fantasy. I guess I don't know
what I'm missing, but I do know and appreciate what I have. And a
story like this enables me to have a little bit of what I am missing.
This is already a good story, but the author prefaced his story with a
request for feedback. Here is what I think it needs to become a great
story:
(1) Get rid of the long paragraphs. I myself often write excessively
long paragraphs in my first drafts. During the revision process I
often break a single paragraph down into three or four separate
paragraphs. (For example, this list of four suggestions was originally
a single paragraph. By breaking it into several paragraphs, I have
made it easier to digest and less intimidating to readers.) Readers
are simply not willing to read fifty paragraphs in a row that are each
at least thirty lines long. My suggested use of multiple paragraphs
may make it necessary to use some additional strategy such as asterisks
(****) or chapters to indicate a break between major ideas.
(2) Before posting the story, go through it one last time and look for
grammar and punctuation errors. This story contains numerous errors
that are just plain unnecessary but still distracting. It would be
especially nice to make all the verb tenses logically consistent.
(3) At places the author should consider going a little heavier on
action and less on introspection. The reformatting that I suggested in
(1) will help solve this problem. Long paragraphs are often perceived
as more introspective and less action-oriented than short ones.
(4) Consider rearranging events to build anticipation or to keep the
reader from guessing the ending. I myself easily guessed the ending.
The author followed a mostly chronological presentation of events.
Maybe some other strategy using flashbacks would work better.
As I said, this is already a very good story. In truth, I'm actually
slightly *glad* that the author had some flaws in the story. I had
already compiled my Top 15 List for March before I read this story. It
was hard enough to get that list down to fifteen stories, and if I
would have had to add this one, I would have had to bump another
exceptionally good story from my list.
Ratings for "Sondra's Day"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Pat Considers" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). I'm not going to
tell you much about this one, except to say that it's a good story.
Pat, the elder of the lovely Allen sisters, has decided that she might
like to have a baby; and she asks Our Anonymous Hero if he'd like to do
the honors.
The author has spent considerable effort in past stories developing the
characterization of these wholesome libertines, and it is interesting
to see how he approaches this question. I guess it would be
appropriate to describe all three of the protagonists as wholesome,
polyamorous people with social consciences. They plan to continue
their polyamory even after they procreate, and their social consciences
make them aware that bringing a child into the world is not a frivolous
activity. Hence we have an unusual element of pensive seriousness
introduced into this usually raucous series of stories.
I hope you will find it as interesting as I did to see how the author
handles this element of seriousness. Will the plot become deadly
serious? Will the Three Amigos continue to fuck their mutual brains
out? Will the burden of future fatherhood weaken our hero's erection?
Read the story and find out.
Ratings for "Pat Considers"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Two Baby Sitters" by SexySailor (an261014@anon.penet.fi).
"Honey, do you remember Kristy?"
"I certainly do."
"Do you think she was cute."
"I certainly do."
"Did you ever have sex with her?"
"Certainly not."
"Did you ever want to have sex with her?"
"Certainly not."
"Why not?"
"Because you're all the woman I can handle."
"But what if I said it was all right or what if I died and you were
alone and horny?"
"I still would leave her alone. She was only fourteen or fifteen years
old when she sat for us. Guys who screw little girls get sent to jail.
They wind up having their asses most unpleasantly attacked by big guys
named Bubba. " He paused and added, "And it's not good for the little
girls either."
I paused. "You mean you never even got a mild hard-on when you drove
her home?"
"Nope. We talked about sports and music mostly."
I paused again. Too long this time. My husband seized the initiative.
"You used to babysit, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Did you ever try to seduce the father of the household?"
"Nope. Just the mother."
"Really?"
"No. Just kidding. My friends and I used to talk about Mr. Robinson
though. We thought he was a stud even before we knew what a stud was."
"What would you have done if Mr. Robinson would have come on to you?"
"I'd have told my parents." I paused. "Nowadays, I'd tell my parents
and they'd sue his ass off."
My husband laughed. The initiative passed back to me. "But wouldn't
it be fun to slide that stiff cock of yours into a wet virgin cunt and
to introduce an innocent, naive little girl to the depraved word of
sexuality."
"Nope."
"Come on! Think about it." I paused gave him my best innocent school
girl look. I loosened my top, wrapped my arms around him, nuzzled my
breasts up against his face, and seduced him with my innocent
babysitter act. He fucked my brains out right there on the living room
carpet.
Afterwards, I said. "So, what about it? Wouldn't you at least like to
fantasize about fucking Kristy?"
"I *do* fantasize about fucking Kristy. That wasn't your question.
Kristy is nearly 30 years old now and lives in a different state and
only comes home twice a year and wears those incredibly tight-fitting
clothes. If it will make you any happier and if you'll give me just a
few minutes, I'll fantasize about Kristy while we do what we just did
again."
I interrupted. "Goddam it! I'm trying to write a review of a story
about a middle aged man who gets a yearning for two cute little
babysitters. Would you or wouldn't you get at least a little bit hot
fantasizing about fucking two hot, prepubescent virgins who were coming
on to you?"
"Nope. That would be too dangerous. I think I'd just read the story
instead."
That's my advice to you. Leave the kids alone. Read this story
instead.
Before I finish, I have one thing to add. If a man actually did all
the wonderful things that the protagonist does to a pair of teenagers
in contemporary America, it would be extremely likely that someone
would find out. The nice man would go to jail, without stopping to
collect $200, even if the kids ended the session by saying, "Thanks for
showing us such nice things, Jim. Don't worry; this is our little
secret. We wouldn't ever want you to get in trouble. Thanks for being
so nice to us." He would go to jail even if he and the little girls
thought this was "the best sex eduction ever."
Sorry about that; but that's the way the law is written. Maybe my
husband is actually smarter than he looks.
Ratings for "Two Baby Sitters"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
PLAGIARISM: The expansion of another author's story in M.M. Twassel's
"Rain" calls to mind another issue: plagiarism. {Note that I am not
saying that Twassel plagiarized. That story simply called to mind the
need to make these comments.} When I reviewed Mark Aster's "Rain," I
also reviewed a story of the same title by Damya. That author wrote to
thank me for the review and pointed out that one time another author
had essentially stolen one of her previous stories. She had posted
"Description of A Woman Masturbating" and a week or so ago somebody
else posted under a different title exactly the same story with a few
names changed. I am refraining from giving the title of the second
story, because I want to protect Damya's right to her original story
and because I think maybe the second author's impropriety was
accidental.
Here's what I think happened. A reader probably found "Description of
A Woman Masturbating" and said to himself, "Wouldn't it be neat if this
story were written from X-Men character Jean Grey's point? {I further
suspect that this second author was an American teenager; but I know
that's impossible, since none of them are allowed to read this
newsgroup.} This second author made his changes, saw that the revised
story was good, and posted the story as his own. What's the big deal?
The big deal is that Damya has a right to her story. Strictly
speaking, this second author has stolen the story and could be
prosecuted for doing so. However, in the murky, borderline subliminal
world of a.s.s., I doubt that anybody ever sues anybody else. In the
unlikely event that the second author ever becomes a famous author or
Speaker of the House, I suppose Damya may come forward to file suite.
Likewise, if this second author turned the story in as an assignment to
an unsuspecting English teacher as his own short story, the asshole's
pecker will dwindle away to a mere three-incher and little children
will make fun of his facial blemishes all his life.
What should the second author have done? Is it ever OK to alter and
post another person's story? In the real world of publishing, a person
wishing to use another author's story in this way would ask permission
and probably share royalties with the original author. On a.s.s. we
usually don't have royalties. In addition, it's not all that uncommon
on a.s.s. for one author to build on the ideas of another. I haven't
checked with Damya, but I suspect she would be satisfied if the second
author would have simply prefaced his story with a note like this:
"This story is based on Damya's 'Description of A Woman Masturbating.'
I have made a few changes to the original to make it fit the
perspective of X-Men character Jean Grey. I hope you like my
adaptation as much as I enjoyed the original story."
We witnessed a similar phenomenon last year when an author named TEX
modified "Raped Teen Burglar" by a different author. TEX simply noted
at the beginning of his story that the first half was taken verbatim
from the other author and that he had "finished the obviously
incomplete story." The original author was probably upset, because TEX
gave the distinct impression that the original story was trash; but at
least TEX was aboveboard about what he was doing. Readers could give
proper attribution to the appropriate authors, and the result was a
really good story.
In short, I think we should try to preserve the rights of the people
who write the stories on a.s.s. The authors don't make a cent for
their work, and they give us considerable enjoyment. The least we can
do is give them credit where credit is due. Whenever possible, we
should retain the names of the original authors when we repost their
stories. And we should most definitely refrain from taking credit for
what someone else has written.
GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: A reader wrote to me this week and told me he
was having trouble finding my reviews. Hoping to exonerate me, I
suppose, he concluded with, "Am I fucking stupid or what?" As an
English teacher, I am often amused by that statement,
When I was a child, I searched in vain for this word and its relatives
in my family's Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. Times have changed;
and now I find it in my Random House Unabridged Dictionary right there
between fuckhead and fuckoff. "Fucking," my dictionary tells me, is
either an adjective or an adverb. Its most immediate synonym is
"damned"; however, a more socially acceptable synonym is "confounded."
I suppose nuns and baptist preachers might prefer "very very."
So my correspondent probably meant, "Am I very very stupid, or is
something else the problem?" In that case, the answer would be no,
it's more likely that his service is fucking bad.
However, it's also possible that he meant the F-word to be the gerund
form of the verb that means "to copulate, especially with great vigor."
If that were the case, I would have to assume that this sentence
contains a grammatical error; but hey, this is alt.sex.stories.
Specifically, this sentence might mean, "Am I inserting my penis
incompetently, or is there some other problem." If that were the
intended meaning, I would feel compelled to point out that "bad" should
become "badly"; and my answer would be that I would need to have more
information on exactly what he was doing, when he was doing it, and why
he thought ineffectual copulation would impair his ability to find my
Reviews.
Finally, it is also possible that my correspondent meant, "Am I
exchanging sexual favors with an unintelligent person, or what." In
that case, Stupid should be capitalized. In addition, "what" should be
changed to "whom," unless his partner's lack of vitality has actually
led him to suspect that the target of his enfuckment is an inanimate
object. Again, I would not venture to answer that question without a
more specific description of the object of his endearment and of his
standards.
One further irony - in the original sentence, "stupid" is correct
(rather than "stupidly") because "is" is a copulative verb. Imagine
that! You can fucking look it up.