Celestial Reviews 49 - Jan 3, 1996
Note: I am back from my holiday vacation and am resuming my reviews.
I am also backed up on correspondence. Several people asked where to
find the stories. The answer is that the stories are posted in
alt.sex.stories. I do not plan to reply any further to the numerous
persons who asked this question. Further information can be found in
the Celestial Reviews FAQ, which I' ll repost.
Second Note: I would like to thank the numerous persons who reposted
their stories. Well over half of the Top 100 Stories of 1995 were
reposted within the two weeks after the list was originally posted. If
your story was on the list and you have not yet reposted it, please do
so. In addition, several persons have offered to make the stories
available through their home pages or to distribute them in some other
way. I don't want to post information about these options until I have
reason to believe these services will really be available. Since I was
on vacation, I have not yet had time to respond to these people, but I
will do so soon.
Third Note: The proofreading service is in full operation, and people
are reporting successful use of it. Since I was on vacation, I am
slightly behind on requests, but I'll catch up quickly. IF YOU WANT
FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK BEFORE POSTING A STORY, contact me, and I'll
match you up with one of the reviewers. Remember: you're not admitting
to being a "bad writer" by asking for a proofreader. Everyone can
benefit from having someone to help with their work. For that matter,
if anyone wants to look over Celestial Reviews before I post them, I
would appreciate the help - but I would need a really fast turnaround
time. If others are interested in offering their services as
proofreaders, please contact me.
Here are some things I learned in the days since I posted my Top 100
Stories of 1995 and their related reviews:
(1) Dirty Dawg (whose story Lynn was rated number 1 and who had
several other stories on the list) no longer posts on alt.sex.stories.
This is not because of a religious conversion or anything like that -
it's just that his new boss would thoroughly disapprove. However,
Dirty Dawg wrote to me and specifically stated that it was fine with
him if others repost his stories. I do not have time to do this
myself, but I hope someone else will take up this challenge and post
some of his stories. I might add that Mr. Dawg reports that he has
received about 2500 requests for his stories, and 1000 of these were
for "Lynn." This makes me feel good, because it validates my choice of
that story as number 1 on my list.
(2) A frequently posted story on a.s.s. is "Ellen" from the EBS. This
is NOT the Dirty Dawg story that made my list.
(3) I also found out from a different source that some of the older
stories by Dirty Dawg were contestants in the "Jesse Helms Erotic
Fiction" contest. The stories in that contest had to follow these
rules: (a) All sexual activity had to be between married people in the
context of a monogamous relationship; (b) None of the activity should
be offend the blue nosed "Senator from Phillip-Morris". I understand
that contest generated some excellent stories, and if anyone would like
to repost some of them, I think readers would appreciate them.
- Celeste
On to new stories!
"Swansong" by Unknown Author (emerging adolescence
and elderly sexuality) 10
"A Rube's Story" by Bazarov (mother-fuckin') 10
"Let's Play Beauty and the Priest" by Connor Herridge
(humor) 8
"Saved by the Bell Redux" by Mike Garvey (TV parody) 1
"My Indiscretion" by Atblown (Infidelity) 9
"Nurse" by Deirdre (sex with the doctor) 5
"Over" by Deirdre (Sex slavery) 8
"Park" by Deirdre (Outdoor sex) 7
"On French Soil" by T.S. Fesseln (chivalrous rape) 7
"Swansong" by Unknown Author. After spending considerable time
compiling my Top 100 List for 1995, I was a little apprehensive about
returning to "ordinary" stories. I figured I was in for a letdown.
Not so. This first story of the new year may make the list of Top
Stories of 1996. It's about a senior citizen who is getting tired of
being looked upon as some kind of sexual relic and who suddenly has
thrust upon himself some responsibility for helping raise the young
teenage daughter of his stepson. A large number of people (including
myself) are often offended or at least annoyed by "pedophile" and
"incest" stories. I found this story about sexual activity between
this man and his young charge to be not the least bit offensive. As a
matter if fact, the person most likely to be upset by this story will
be the reader who reads this story to see some hot sex between a
prepubescent virgin and her grandpa. The sex is not at all vividly
portrayed; but it's still a very realistic, sensitive, and sexy story.
The author approaches the relationship between the old man and young
girl with sensitivity and in a context of moral ambiguity. This story
reminded me of "Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas. I think it is normally
a good guideline that parents and grandparents should refrain from
having sex with prepubescent children; but both stories described
situations in which it would be hard to say that the older people were
exploiting the children with whom they were sexually intimate. I don't
know who the author is. In fact, if the author reads this review, I'd
like to hear from him/her. There were a few stylistic problems that
could be cleared up, but otherwise this was a well-written, thought-
provoking story. (Rating: 10)
"A Rube's Story" by Bazarov. There are many reasons to dislike this
story. It's difficult to read because it attempts to convey a heavy
dialect that will be unfamiliar to many readers. It's about a mother
fucker, and even the dictionary doesn't like mother fuckers. But there
are also good reasons to like this story. If the reader takes the
trouble to read carefully, the story conveys the accent and dialect of
the protagonist very effectively. And that protagonist is "the boss-
man a' motherfuckers."
When I received this story from the author, I was upset because it
contained a large number of little squares sprinkled throughout the
text. This is how my computer registers "unrecognized characters." I
sent a message to the author pointing out my problem, and he simply
sent me another copy of the same thing. Frankly, I thought he was an
illiterate fool who would go away if I asked for a good copy. When I
eventually received my third copy, I decided to try replacing all the
unrecognized characters with apostrophes; and it became clear to me
what the author was trying to do. I was dealing not with typographical
errors or with a computer foul-up, but with dialect.
Writing dialect effectively is difficult - and so is reading it. It's
necessary for the reader to slow down and pretty much look at each word
- at least until the flow starts coming naturally. In addition to
using a dialect that differed from mine, I found that the author was
expressing the ideas of a man whose outlook on life and modes of
thinking were a lot different than mine. And so I said to myself,
"It's the Christmas holidays. Why not spend a couple of hours
expanding my horizons by reading in an unfamiliar dialect about a guy
fucking his mother!"
To put it kindly, the story focuses on the exploits of a young
gentleman who was initially uninterested in sexual intimacies with his
mother but whose ardor was aroused when he came across some magazines
containing letters "from fellers who'd been feedin' their mothers a
steady diet a' sausage an' these women who'd been treatin' their lil'
boys with pleanty a' candied fruit." To tell you more would run the
risk of ruining your enjoyment of this story. I might mention,
however, that near the end of the story the narrator wonders what life
will be like "in 'bout ten years when her bush be sprouted out with the
gray hairs an' her ass startin' t' sag t' the floor." My own
assumption is that 'long 'bout that time he'll start plowin' th' field
of L'll Sadie, who should sho'nuff have a right fine bush of her own by
that time.
This is an extremely literate tale about an illiterate and
dysfunctional family. The author carries off the dialect exceptionally
well. I recommend absolutely none of the activities in this story. In
real life I would suggest that Mama pull the trigger on the 45. But I
really enjoyed this story. (Rating: 10)
"Let's Play Beauty and the Priest" by Connor Herridge
(Cheridge@onramp.net). This is a brief script for a play based on the
classical theme of mistaken identity. Shakespeare and Chaucer have
used this theme successfully, and so have Dick Van Dyke and Seinfeld -
but usually with a focus on more socially acceptable behaviors. In
this case we have a sexy young woman who wants to plant dirty ideas in
her boyfriend's mind by having him sneak into the empty priest's box of
the confessional while she acts as the penitent and confesses her sins
to him. The comedy of errors consists of the boyfriend not making it
to the priest's box (because the real priest gets there first) until
later (when an old lady has replaced his girlfriend as the penitent).
It's an imperfect but clever sequence of events.
Since there are doubtlessly numerous horny members of the clergy who
read this newsgroup, I would like to point out that I get tired of
people picking on priests and other members of the clergy as dirty old
men. I think (if we ignore the behavior of the Roman Curia) in real
life they probably abuse people sexually slightly less often than most
other people. But this is still a pretty funny story. (Rating: 8)
"Saved by the Bell Redux" by Mike Garvey (mgarvey@nyc.pipeline.com).
"Saved by the Bell" is a television series for young adolescents. My
daughter watches it almost every day and six times on Saturday, and I
think it's actually wholesome entertainment. I am told it also has a
following among college-age boys, who lust after Kelly and her friends.
And so a story about Lisa and Jessie gang-banging Kelly has potential;
but that potential is not fulfilled in this story, which has the
distinction of being the worst I've reviewed so far this year. It's
obviously written by a twelve-year-old boy who knows nothing more than
Beavis and Butthead sex, story structure, or grammar. <Hee, hee! They
stuck the dildo up her ass.> I don't know why the author would want to
embarrass himself by posting such immature stuff. Even other twelve-
year-olds (who possibly would enjoy this inane story) would enjoy a
more creative presentation. (Rating: 1)
"My Indiscretion" by Atblown (atblown@aol.com). A young wife and
mother gets horny at an office gathering, her husband is out of town
for the next 2 days, and she has been flirting with a much younger
stud; so what the hell! They fuck like minks in heat - much as those
of us with hormones carry on in our minds with a sexy movie star whom
we'll never actually meet. Later, she feels guilty and eventually
confesses her indiscretion to her husband, who appears to be distressed
by the whole matter. She offers to do anything to make it up to him,
and he lets her atone by servicing him and hot little Shannon. She
gets turned on to this activity and has some of the hottest sex of her
life while satisfying her debt. All is forgiven, and her felix culpa
has led to a new and wonderful interest in her life. {Look at that!
You can work ideas from these reviews into your theology or biblical
studies classes when they discuss the concept of the felix culpa - the
fault that leads to benefits for the sinner. This is actually a good
example, but you may find it best to simply think about it and grin
when the teacher or preacher mentions the concept.}
I really like it when I encounter a new writer who writes well. This
is the first posting by this author. Its purpose was to turn me on.
This may be an unfair test, because my husband was out of town when I
read it and I had not had even a pat on the ass for nearly 36 hours;
but in all honesty, I have to admit that I found it necessary to have
an orgasm to clear my mind before I could write this review. (I had
access to neither the young stud nor the red-headed Shannon; but things
worked out just fine.) This story has room for improvement: there's
something just slightly wrong with the timing or wording of the story;
but I really hope to see more stories by this writer. Either she's a
dysfunctional matron who has no chance of a happy marriage or she has
fantasies a lot like my own! (Rating: 9)
"Nurse" by Deirdre. A nurse who is new to her job realizes halfway
through her first day of work that the doctor seems to have only female
patients and that they all seem to be exhausted when they leave his
office. So, what's the story about? If you are a new reader to a.s.s.
you might surmise that in your dirty mind you have already figured out
the plot: the doctor is boinking the patients. But this is a Deirdre
story. It can't be as simple as that. Well, actually, there's a
little more to it than that, but not much. This is not an awful story,
it's just not as creative as most of Deirdre's work. (Rating: 5)
"Over" by Deirdre. When I was halfway through this story, I paused and
realized that unless I had known that it had been posted on
alt.sex.stories and had been written by Deirdre, I would have had no
way to know that it was about sex. So far it could have been a story
in a magazine at my dentist's office: an artist has been flown to New
York by Beatrice Moreau, a wealthy woman who has admired the artist's
work and wanted to meet her. To be honest, if I were in my dentist's
office, I would at this point have set the story aside and started
reading the New Yorker or that stupid photography magazine that all
dentists have in their office. But this story was by Deirdre, so I
assumed that the unwary artist was going to become a sex slave of the
rich woman and would enjoy every perverse moment of her new vocation.
Her life as an artist would be "Over" - hence the title.
After my pause, I smirked as a servant wearing nothing more than a
diaphanous gown (and perhaps a subtle smile) removed the artist's empty
glass. I was on the right track! But I'll let you read this story to
find out for yourself what happens. Let me just point out that if a
beautiful French woman offers to pay you royally to pursue your
profession and bestows upon you a beautiful sex slave or two for you to
use as your whims dictate, you might want to look the gift horse in the
mouth before it's all over. (Rating: 8)
"Park" by Deirdre. Two people stop to take a look at the scenery and
the unexpectedly girl gives the guy a blow job. This isn't really much
of a story, but I thought it was very sexy. (Rating: 7)
"On French Soil" by T.S. Fesseln. This author has planned a multi-
chapter work dealing with rape and sex in the midst of knightly
warfare. The first two chapters deal with the rape of the daughter of
the knight's enemy. My presumption is that as the action progresses
the knight and the woman will develop a reciprocal fondness, probably
based on sadism and masochism. The action of the first two chapters is
violent and vivid. The writing shows signs of being rushed to press
before it was really finished. Nevertheless, what I have seen so far
is the beginning of a good story, and I hope the author continues with
more chapters. If someone out there likes the story, why not contact
the author and offer to preview and comment on the next chapters before
he posts them? The result will be a better story. (Rating: 7)