Celestial Reviews 142 - Dec 11, 1996
Note: For the past year I have been hoping to find time to write a sexy
story that could teach vocabulary to horny young people who normally
resist traditional vocabulary instruction. Really bad teachers tell
students that they can do better on the SAT by memorizing the definitions
of a bunch of words. This approach rarely works. My plan has been to
take a subset of those words and put them into a really good story. Then
the students would be instructed to read the story at least three times
before the test. I’m willing to bet that learners reading my story would
score better on a test administered, say, a month after the original test
than would students who were simply told to learn the list of words to
prepare for a test.
Since I spend so much time reading and reviewing these stories, however,
it is obvious to me that I’ll never write my story. So I am proposing
the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest. The story can be of any
length, but students should reasonably be able to (and eager to) read it
three times in one week. It should use all of the words on the following
list. Preferably, it should use them in creative ways that enable
learners to see their meaning in context, and it should use the words
more than once - in fact, as often as possible without becoming silly.
The story should not be obviously didactic - that is, it should be a
story about sex, not about learning these words.
If this idea catches on, I’ll be happy to supply to the authors or to
others a vocabulary test based on these words. When I announce the
winners and the authors post the stories, I’ll post the vocabulary test.
Readers can use the test before and after they read the story to see if
they actually learn the words.
Since the Christmas holidays are coming up, I’ll give you a generous
deadline - January 15. However, as I tell my students, don’t put this
assignment off until the last minute. Your best bet is to start now and
then come back to it many times in the coming weeks. It IS fair to
communicate with others and even to take advantage of my proofreading
service. If you send me your story early enough, I’ll even give you
feedback myself.
Here are the words (all taken from one of those SAT study lists):
acerbic, adept, ameliorate, apocryphal, assuage, blithe, constrict,
credulous, dilatory, egregious, fatuous, guile, hedonism, impervious,
incipient, irascible, lethargy, mundane, prolific, redundant. It’s OK to
use alternate forms of these words - for example, blithely instead of
blithe or incredulous for credulous.
All 20 of these are words that intelligent people use when the context
calls for them (Quite possibly I may have used them here in Celestial
Reviews.), but most high school students have no idea what they mean.
They are useful words; and if you write a story with them, at the very
least YOU will probably learn some functional vocabulary words.
Have fun! And thanks to Mark Aster for accidentally giving me the
stimulus to suggest this contest.
Second Note: I am compiling my Top 100 List for 1996. It should not
surprise you to know that “First Love” will probably be on that list. It
is still not clear to me who the author is of that story. I would
appreciate it if someone would tell me who wrote that story, so that I do
not have to list it as Unknown Author.
- Celeste
“One of Those Days?” by Dulcinea (quickie in elevator)
10, 10, 10
“Lady Lust” by Unknown Author (ff quickie) 8, 5, 7
“Dick Van Dyke Show” by Shelby Bush (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
* “Mary Tyler Moore” by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9. 9
“The Pennington Case” by Jefferson James (blackmail)
10, 10, 9
“Eager Beaver” by Unknown Author (voyeurism & sex
with teacher) 7, 7, 7
“Elki” by Unknown Author (illiterate confusion) 3, 1, 1
“Dream #1” by Caesar (wartime sex) 5, 5, 4
“Amusement Park Growth” by Jackie (sexual dream)
7, 5, 4
“Hot for Teacher” by John M. Andrews (sex with teacher)
5, 4, 4
“Memories of Summer” by Dulcinea (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
“One of Those Days?” by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). It’s one of those
days. The elevator is packed with wall to wall people; it’s going to be
uncomfortable. But then the sexy lady he just noticed in the restaurant
is being forced back against Adam; and - wouldn’t you know it - his cock
decides not to remain quiescent. It’s one of those days. Noticing his
tumescence, Tami suggests that they introduce themselves. “Madam I’m
Adam,” he replies; and she responds “Able was I ere I saw Elba.” That’s
not exactly what they said, but I’ve always wanted to write two
palindromes in a single sentence. Well, anyway, if everyone adapted this
well to overcrowding, we’d be a lot less concerned about the population
explosion. It’s a sexy story.
Ratings for “One of Those Days?”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Lady Lust” by Unknown Author. This story was listed as “Ebony
Confessions Vol. 5,” a repost of the THC archive service. Rachel’s
apartment is being painted, and so she spends the night with Cathy, who
up till now has never seen a black woman naked nor eaten pussy. After
this encounter Cathy has done both. This is a short story with a snippet
of hot sex but little plot.
Ratings for “Lady Lust”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
“Dick Van Dyke Show” by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com). This author
recently posted segment one of two of “Bewitched,” the two segments
forming part three of a three-part crossover story, the first two parts
being "The Munsters" and "The Addams Family", respectively. Since I
prefer to review stories when they’re finished (especially when the
posting is the penultimate segment of a three-part crossover story), I
decided to set this story/segment aside and reward the author by
reviewing his previously written “Dick Van Dyke Show,” which has recently
been reposted on alt.sex.stories.
A correspondent has recently taken me to task for confusing a parody with
a pastiche. The difference is that a parody is meant to satirize the
original work, whereas a pastiche deals more seriously with working out
the implications of changing the basic assumptions of the original (as by
letting Rob and Laura have sex, which could never have happened on the
original show). The distinction becomes nebulous when both the original
and new work are humorous. I think the author considers the Porno TV
series to be examples of pastiche; but since I usually laugh so hard when
I read his stories and since people are more familiar with the term
parody, I am going to continue to refer to these stories as parodies.
Imagine that!
The present story employs the episodic structure of the original show.
When critics talk about the evolution of sex on television, they often
cite the fact that Rob and Laura always slept fully clothed in separate
beds. In the first sequence Rob and Laura break that stereotype. The
only similarity with the original show is that after they both come,
Laura (Mary Tyler Moore) sighs, “Oh, Rob!”
The main plot consists of Rob, Buddy, and Sally developing a script for
the Alan Brady Show on which Gina Broccilucci will be the guest star.
While working on the script, they hang out the “Do Not Disturb” sign and
take a horny break. Then, as research for the show, Rob takes Laura to
see one of Ms. Broccilucci’s movies, “The Bondage of Brenda”; and Laura
naively thinks that maybe it’s going to rain because so many of the men
in the theater are wearing rain coats.
And so it goes. We discover Mel’s monster cock. Laura and Millie
exchange intimate pleasantries. Rob consults with Gina Broccilucci about
the script. We even have a surprise ending that suggests why the
Broccilucci script was never aired.
The plot is actually not all that sexy, but I thoroughly enjoyed
imagining the TV characters performing the acts described in this little
pastiche.
Ratings for “Dick Van Dyke Show”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* “Mary Tyler Moore” by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
Since we just reviewed Dick Van Dyke, we might as well take a look at
Uncle Mike’s parody of Mary Tyler Moore.
Mary needs some time off, and Mr. Grant is unwilling to give it to her.
Finally, she whines in her inimitable way that she’ll “do anything for
it.” Mr. Grant’s eyes light up in response to an evil thought: “You’ll
do anything, Mary? ANYthing?” So Lou finally gets the blow job he’s
always wanted from Mary; and Mary figures it’s over. But then Ted
walks into the office; and to keep him quiet Lou lets him fuck Mary;
and to placate Mary for this humiliation, Lou gives her a second week
off. But then Murray walks into the office, and we have another
emboikment and another week’s vacation. And then Gordie the weather
man walks into the office... This is a pretty good parody. Mary, Lou,
and Ted are done best; it’s easy to imagine these TV characters doing
what they do in this story.
Ratings for “Mary Tyler Moore”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“The Pennington Case” by Jefferson James (Tymm@cris.com). Alicia has
been unfaithful to her husband. Suspecting this, the husband has hired a
private detective; but Norman the detective has offered to give Alicia a
clean slate, provided she pays him mucho money and has raucous sex with
him. Norman is a repulsive asshole; he enjoys humiliating his victims.
He doesn’t use a condom, and he spits on her pussy for lubrication. The
story even has a bit of a surprise ending.
This is a well-written blackmail story. I find it discomfiting to think
that many men who read this story will think that this is the right way
to treat a woman; but numerous authors have already countered with
stories that stick it to men equally cruelly. As one of our nation’s
great moral leaders said recently, “Why can’t we all just get along
together?”
By the way, if Alicia watches any police stories at all, she should know
that paying off a blackmailer never works. The best advice for Alicia
would have been to dick the dick before the dick dicked her.
Metaphorically, of course.
Ratings for “The Pennington Case”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“Eager Beaver” by Unknown Author. Professor Mac teaches human sexuality
at a college. Today is exam day, and he is looking forward to gazing up
the skirts of the young ladies while they take their tests. One
especially demurely dressed young lady has the unusual name of E. Beaver.
The other students refer to her as Eager Beaver, presumably because of
her industrious work habits. Although Professor Mac is a perverted
voyeur, he can think of no other connotation that one might connect with
the Beaver nickname!
As she assumes the position and he begins his inspection, Professor Mac
has trouble determining the color of Ms. Beaver’s panties. Since he has a
pretty good observation post, he concludes that they must be tan or beige
and hence flesh- colored. He knows this because her hair color
(discernible on top of her head) is dark enough that he should be able to
see vaginal hair if she weren’t wearing any panties. Like I said, for a
pervert this guy’s vibrator doesn’t go to the top speed.
Ms. Beaver proceeds to play with herself while she takes the test. The
naked truth, however, is that this is a ruse to distract Professor Mac,
while she copies answers from the student next to her. Leave it to
Beaver to think of something like that!
Well, Mac gets distracted, and consequently he notices that The Beave is
copying the answers. Cheating (on tests, that is - not on his wife, of
course) is something he cannot condone; and so he asks Ms. Beaver to stay
after the exam for a conference. She looks pensive and explains that she
wasn’t really cheating. She just loves to read what other people write
about sex! {Then she stopped looking pensive. At that moment, Professor
Mac realized that she could be ex-pensive. <groan>} As a matter of fact,
she has read so many other people’s tests that she is now quite turned on
and feels compelled to go someplace and jack off, since she happens to
have a free period.
You might think that Mac’s nickname was Big, but it wasn’t; he was more
of a grower than a hanger. Beaver wears neither bra nor underpants; Mac
wears underpants but no bra. Eager grasps his raging cock in her left
hand. There’s something sinister or gauche about that, but that pun
would be of interest to neither Mac nor Eager. He has a nice
circumcision, but he can scarcely claim credit for that.
Mac comes first, but he is still getting a little behind. Now there’s a
riddle for you!
This may sound like a silly story, but I found it to be quaint. It’s
nice to see human sexuality professors instead of English teachers
treated as naive perverts who exploit their students.
Ratings for “Eager Beaver”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
“Elki” by Unknown Author. As a general rule, first person narratives in
which the woman states her measurements within the first few sentences
tend to be pretty lame. Elki (35-23-33) is a rather plain girl with buck
teeth; so she puts out a little to compensate. Jack Spade is her
boyfriend. He takes her places and buys her things, so that Elki will
undress for him and his friends. But Elki has principles. She refuses to
let Jack fuck her. However, she acquiesces when Jack lets her masturbate
him to “releave” his tensions, and he insists that she suck his cock and
swallow his cum (and do the same for maybe eight or nine of his friends
each night). The Elkster doesn't mind, because she “loves him with all of
her being.”
But then something goes awry in this idyllic relationship. Jack decides
to fuck her after all, against her will, of course; and he lets his
friends do the same. Actually, it gets pretty disgusting and unpoetic -
urination and all that kind of stuff. And disjointed. The plot that is
- it’s disjointed. There’s a blackmail motif, a revenge motif,
incoherent shifts from first to third to second person perspective,
constant shifts of verb tense - but lots of brutal and mindless sex.
This story has potential. If the grammar were cleaned up, if about two
thirds of it were thrown out and replaced by new material, and if the
entire plot were restructured to make sense, this might be a good story.
Ratings for “Elki”
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
“Dream #1” by Caesar. Since this is entitled “Dream #1,” I’ll assume the
man is dreaming about his wartime exploits. In the apparent dream, he is
a soldier who enters a building during house-to-house fighting and makes
love to a terrified young woman before he goes out and shoots the enemy
soldiers. He is wounded and never sees the woman again. I have read
other stories by this author, and those stories were pretty good. This
one is largely incoherent. I suspect that English is not this author’s
native language, and in the five years since he wrote this story he has
simply gotten a lot better at English expression. The grammar and
sentence structure of this story are so bad that they interfere seriously
with the plot. This early attempt is nowhere near as good as this
author’s more recent stories; and I have noticed that he has begun to
post edited revisions of his stories.
Ratings for “Dream #1”
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
“Amusement Park Growth” by Jackie (an338903@cris.com). Dream stories are
very difficult to write. I can’t tell you how often I have had dreams
that I thought were really great, but which turned out to be just plain
silly the morning after. Recently I awoke from a dream that was so good
that I jotted a note to myself on the pad by the telephone to remind me
to use the dream as a basis for the Great American Novel that I would
begin in the morning. When I saw the note the next morning, I quickly
recalled the dream and reflected upon it. It was such a stupid dream
that I couldn’t believe I had found it so fascinating the night before!
I’m sure Freudians have a different insight, but I think dreams are often
fascinating because they hold the complete attention and imagination of
the dreamer. Movies often have really great dream sequences, because
their multisensory capability makes it possible to grip the attention and
imagination of the viewers. But I often hate it when people try to tell
me their dreams. Their stories are usually boring, largely because they
seem incapable of realizing that I don’t share their perspective.
Which brings me to this story. I think I see where the author is trying
to go. It really would be surrealistic to see a severely pregnant 16-
year-old girl being subjected to the forces of a tilt-a-whirl in an
amusement park and experiencing incredible sensations in her body. I
think the reason this story missed its mark with me was because the
author spent too much time on detailed descriptions that were fascinating
to him but just didn’t catch my interest. Sure, I said to myself, this
might be interesting, but what’s the big deal? Someone else might react
differently. My advice to the author would be to try to figure out what
Deirdre does so well and to imitate her strategies. Or take a look at
Backrub’s “Wet Dreams,” which is not specifically a dream story, but
certainly conveys a dreamlike atmosphere.
I have seen stories on a.s.s. that are labeled “growth” or something like
that, and some readers apparently find this sort of thing sexy. If the
author is writing for that narrow audience, then this may already be a
good “cult” story. If the author wants to attract a wider audience to
this sort of story, then the technique needs refinement.
Ratings for “Amusement Park Growth”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
“Hot for Teacher” by John M. Andrews (jma1492@aol.com). Surely there is
a special spot in heaven near the right hand of God for substitute
teachers, who suffer more in this life than anyone other than substitute
bus drivers and maybe some of the rape victims in Wiley’s stories. Alas,
the young lady in this story starts with three strikes against her: she
is a substitute ART teacher. For her first assignment she tells the
class to draw a picture of the world as they see it, and our narrator
turns in his “View of the World.” Let your mind dwell on that for a
while: the “View of the World” by a hormonally imbalanced teenager who
wants nothing more than a ride up the teacher’s love canal. There’s
potential here, but not much comes of it.
The most interesting parts of the story were the verbal anomalies: The
“principle” walked into the room; the guy whispered under his “breathe”,
the guy next to him “herd” him; and they “starred” at the beautiful
teacher. Even worse, the story doesn’t have a real ending. The kid who
wrote this story simply stopped when he shot his wad or when his mother
knocked on the door and asked what he was doing.
Ratings for “Hot for Teacher”
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
“Memories of Summer” by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). The couple share
memories of the past summer while they look at the photographs that she
just picked up. The favorite memory focuses on a refreshing encounter in
a very cold lake. This is a brief, well-written, sexy, romantic story.
It’s interesting that extremely cold water has a positive effect on a
woman’s nipples and a negative effect on a man’s penis. You math
teachers out there ought to think about this as an example of an inverse
relationship.
When she learned from my FAQ that I have athletic proclivities, a reader sent
me this comparison of running and sex. The first line after each heading
describes running, and the second line describes sex. I thought this was
somehow pertinent to the present review, since the story features athletic
activity of sorts.
Useful Fabric
Coolmax
Latex
Best place to do it
Outdoors
Outdoors
Reasons to do it alone
High-Quality reflection time
Don't have to buy someone dinner
Length of typical session
30 to 60 minutes
30 to 60 seconds
Mystical connection
If done right, see God
If done right, say "God"
Teenager's view
When can I stop?
When can I start?
How to get better
Read about others
Watch others
Longtimer's frequency
Daily
Monthly
Goal
Go faster
Go longer
Good shoes
Essential
Optional
Solution for tight leg
Take day off
Take clothes off
Body fat
Too much gets in the way
Too much gets in the way
Questionable source of advice
Jim Fixx
Dr. Ruth
Stretch
Frequently
Marks
Crosstraining Equipment
NordicTrack
Nordic Blonde
Ultimate goal
Peak at the right time
Peak at the right time
What to do between sessions
Have sex
Run
Ratings for “Memories of Summer”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10