Celestial Reviews 141 - Dec 7, 1996
Note: For the past year I have been hoping to find time to write a sexy
story that could teach vocabulary to horny young people who normally
resist traditional vocabulary instruction. Really bad teachers tell
students that they can do better on the SAT by memorizing the definitions
of a bunch of words. This approach rarely works. My plan has been to
take a subset of those words and put them into a really good story. Then
the students would be instructed to read the story at least three times
before the test. I’m willing to bet that learners reading my story would
score better on a test administered, say, a month after the original test
than would students who were simply told to learn the list of words to
prepare for a test.
Since I spend so much time reading and reviewing these stories, however,
it is obvious to me that I’ll never write my story. So I am proposing
the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest. The story can be of any
length, but students should reasonably be able to (and eager to) read it
three times in one week. It should use all of the words on the following
list. Preferably, it should use them in creative ways that enable
learners to see their meaning in context, and it should use the words
more than once - in fact, as often as possible without becoming silly.
The story should not be obviously didactic - that is, it should be a
story about sex, not about learning these words.
If this idea catches on, I’ll be happy to supply to the authors or to
others a vocabulary test based on these words. When I announce the
winners and the authors post the stories, I’ll post the vocabulary test.
Readers can use the test before and after they read the story to see if
they actually learn the words.
Since the Christmas holidays are coming up, I’ll give you a generous
deadline - January 15. However, as I tell my students, don’t put this
assignment off until the last minute. Your best bet is to start now and
then come back to it many times in the coming weeks. It IS fair to
communicate with others and even to take advantage of my proofreading
service. If you send me your story early enough, I’ll even give you
feedback myself.
Here are the words (all taken from one of those SAT study lists):
acerbic, adept, ameliorate, apocryphal, assuage, blithe, constrict,
credulous, dilatory, egregious, fatuous, guile, hedonism, impervious,
incipient, irascible, lethargy, mundane, prolific, redundant.
All 20 of these are words that intelligent people use when the context
calls for them (Quite possibly I may have used them here in Celestial
Reviews.), but most high school students have no idea what they mean.
They are useful words; and if you write a story with them, at the very
least YOU will probably learn some functional vocabulary words.
Have fun! And thanks to Mark Aster for accidentally giving me the
stimulus to suggest this contest.
Second Note: In CR 138 I listed Alan Barclay as the author of “Black
Night.” This is inaccurate. I should have listed it as Unknown Author.
If anyone knows who actually wrote this story, I’d like to hear from you.
- Celeste
“New Start” by Dulcinea (romance) 8, 8, 9
“Wagtail” by Uther Pendragon (good, creative story)
10, 10, 10
“Fifi's Birthday Treat” by Kim (gross bdsm) 9, 5, 1
“To the Point!” by Dulcinea (romance) 10, 8, 8
“Jan” by Caesar (forced seduction) 9, 8, 8
“Fun with the Bundy’s” by Gold Leader (Sitcom parody)
7, 6, 5
“New Start” by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). This story is unusual for
Dulcinea. When I was a few paragraphs into it, I literally looked back
at the beginning to make sure I had not loaded another Boswell story by
mistake. I’m used to sweet flirtations from Dulcinea. This one is about
a woman named Beth who is serving as a friend’s bridesmaid shortly after
she herself has experienced a vicious date rape.
The story has stylistic flaws. Poor proofreading has resulted in omitted
and incorrect words (e.g., “viscous” for “vicious” and “lay” for “lie”).
Aside from those problems, this is a good - but not great - story by a
person who usually writes very different kinds of stories.
Ratings for “New Start”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“Wagtail” by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). The keynote speaker for
the Shriners’ convention was at the podium, delivering the opening
address. He asked, "How many of you have ever seen a ghost?". There was
a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked, "How many
of you have ever spoken with a ghost?". This time twenty or so
conventioneers raised their hands. To the next question, "How many of
you have ever actually touched a ghost?" only about ten hands filled the
air. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered his final query:
"How many of you have had sex with a ghost?" In the very back of the
auditorium a lone hand remained aloft. "Would the ushers please escort
that gentleman to the stage?" After a couple of moments’ delay the man
was brought forward. When the man arrived on stage, the speaker asked
him, "Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost.", The
man replied, "Ghost? I’m sorry, I thought ya said goat!"
Which brings us to the subject of this story. Or at least as close as I
can get. In my index at the beginning of each set of reviews I try to
use a short phrase to describe each story. Right now I have no idea how
I’ll describe this one.
The narrator is King of his Family, which he runs with an iron hand.
When he catches the family dog, Wagtail, with his tongue licking his
teenage daughter’s pussy, he paddles the girl severely. He enjoys the
spankings, even though she hates them. Activities escalate. To
complicate matters, the man next-door is a shut-in who uses binoculars to
look at the world and a computer to communicate with it.
The sexual descriptions are not at all vivid, and even though the story
contains bestiality, incest, and rape, it’s not predominantly about any
of those topics. It’s just a good, creative story.
Ratings for “Wagtail”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Fifi's Birthday Treat” by Kim (Kim@nym.alias.net). I’m going to
conjecture that this story is satire. The guy (whose name is Fifi and
who is dressed in a black babydoll) has been gagged overnight with
panties that have gone unwashed for a week, and in the morning his
Mistress is trying to coax him to an erection while his cock is encased
in a contraption that is lined with hundreds of tiny pins, while he
dutifully licks stale cum and excrement from her glorious body. She
refers to him as “little lady,” and he calls her “Boss.”
Later she hangs him from a ceiling hook and beats him severely about 60
times with a riding crop. She numbers each welt as she raises it -
probably to inform the Guinness people in case she sets a record. Oddly
enough, Fifi doesn’t have an orgasm, possibly because he is still wearing
the pin-lined sheath. When she releases him an hour later, he begs HER
forgiveness. She tells him to shut up and gives a bowl of dogfood to
eat. Since the food is too dry, she urinates in it for him. When she
removes his butt plug, she has him lick it clean before she takes him out
to defecate in the back yard. Moved by a sudden surge of generosity, she
hoses him down and lets him change clothes before she hangs him from a
branch in the backyard and lets a neighbor guy sodomize him.
Then there’s a surprise ending - but heck, I was pretty much surprised
all the way through this story.
As I said, I assume this is satire; but I’m not sure what the story is
satirizing. Maybe it’s a pilot for one of those jeans commercials on
American TV.
Ratings for “Fifi's Birthday Treat”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
“To the Point!” by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). The man gets turned on
watching his wife sharpen the colored pencils and blow the dust off them.
I’ve never before thought of pencil sharpening as a phallic art, but it
makes sense. ANYTHING makes sense after my experience with Fifi in the
last story. The husband leaves the wife to her work and tries to watch
TV, but he can’t get the erotic pencil sharpener out of his mind. When
she comes into the room, he is giving his cock the gentle once-over, and
this reminds her of sharpening pencils - No! I just made that last part
up; but they do make gentle love.
Ratings for “To the Point!”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Jan” by Caesar (caesar@bigrock.com). The narrator has lusted after Jan
for many years; but Jan has remained true to her husband. Now the
husband has gotten into trouble with the law, and only the narrator can
get him off; but he wants Jan as his price to help her husband. This is
a simple but creative plot. The story is not particularly sexy; the rape
comes across more as a power thing than as a sexual activity, which is
usually the case with real-life rapes. This is not a great story, but
certainly a good one.
Ratings for “Jan”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Fun with the Bundy’s” by Gold Leader (Wedge@Empire.com). Last week I
was going through hell with these stories. I was reading nothing but
solid 10’s. I felt that I would lose my credibility unless I zapped
somebody with a low rating. I was tempted to review one of those
charming essays on “Why America (or perhaps Canaduh) is Best, Worst, or
Really Sucks,” but what I really needed was a quasi-literate plot with
mindless sex that I could enjoy but which would not actually stimulate me
to a pre-orgasmic state. This story - to which I was attracted by the
misplaced apostrophe in the title - fit several of those requirements.
It’s a parody of the sitcom “Married with Children,” which itself is a
parody of sex life in an American family. There is no plot - just some
kid whose name fluctuates between Dan and Karl banging Kelly, Peg, and
the lady next door.
Ratings for “Fun with the Bundy’s”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5