Celestial Reviews 130 - Oct 30, 1996
Note: Here are the Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
AND....
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!!
Second Note: In the spirit of the season, here are some reviews of
stories that combine sex with Halloween-like themes. Many of these are
old reviews {marked by an asterisk *}, and I have not revised the
originals. Watch out for your local incubus or succubus tonight!
- Celeste
* "Meeting Amanda" by Backrub (sex with a vampire) 10, 10, 10
* "Intimate with the Vampire 2.0" by Rocket88 (vampire
sex) 10, 10, 10
* "The Warlock" by Rocket88 (witchcraft & whippings)
6, 9, 9
* “Diana” by Mary Anne Mohanraj (mysterious outdoor sex)
10, 10, 10
* "Wet Dreams" by Backrub (mind control & dreams)
10, 10, 10
* "Tales of the Seeding" by Wollstonecraft (Primitive sex
rituals) 10, 10, 10
* “Porno TV: The Munsters” by Shelby Bush
(sitcom parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
* "Bed and Breakfast" by RC (ghostly sex) 9.5, 9.5, 9
* "Night of the Wolves" by Lysander (bestiality) 10, 9.5, 10
“Princess” by Parker (TG Halloween Party) 10, 9.5, 9
“The Addams Family: Eddie Comes to Visit" by Shelby Bush
(sitcom parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
“Halloween” by RC (vampire sex) 10, 9, 9
“Boo!” by PleaseCain (mutilation station!) 10, 10, 10
“Brown Mountain Incident” by Charles Baudot (mysterious
Mm encounter) 10, 9, 9
“Temptation” by PleaseCain (poetic meditation) 10, 10, 10
“True Love” by Dafney Dewitt (murder on Halloween)
10, 9, 9
“Haunting Memories” by Gaetana (haunted house) 9.5, 8, 6
“Goodnight Kiss” by Ben Zonah (vampire sex) 8, 8, 8
* Repost of a previous review (I am hoping that because the
theme is related to Halloween the story will be reposted).
* "Meeting Amanda" by Backrub. Here we have what my psychology professor
referred to as an approach-avoidance dilemma. (When the prof told us about
it, she talked about pigeons; but I'm pretty sure I still have the idea
right.) I had never read a Backrub story I _didn't_ like; but I had never
read a vampire story that I _did_ like. The tension alone, of course, would
have made a less sophisticated woman cum in her panties; but I was wearing
none. Therefore, I boldly went where I had never gone before....
What I like most about Backrub is his/her use of language and imagery:
"From twenty feet away she looked like a living statue, weathered brown
but taut and strong. Her short black hair barely moved with her
movements." That's beautiful. The yet unknown woman was coming to
life for me, but remaining mysterious. The imagery remained vivid as
the story got hotter. To find out more, you'll have to read the story.
I still don't plan to look for vampire movies, but I do plan to read
more Backrub stories. And for some reason I just remembered it's about
time for me to give blood again.
Ratings for “Meeting Amanda”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Intimate with the Vampire 2.0" by Rocket88 (rick84@ mindspring.com).
A story like this has two strikes against it when I start reading it.
Strike one: I don't like senseless pain as a part of sexual relations.
Pain and violence are reasonable under the right circumstances; and
I'll even grant that there are occasions when it can be pleasurable to
be either the giver or receiver of pain. However, I think people who
enjoy being tortured by another person often have serious emotional
problems. And so I expect the author of a story that involves pain or
violence to show me that there is a point to this activity. Strike
two: I don't believe in vampires. I find "Dracula" so boring that I
have never watched the entire movie. I think the notion of vampires is
generally silly.
Under these circumstances you may be surprised to know that I really
liked this story. Strike two evaporated first: lots of things that are
generally silly can become interesting if I suspend my disbelief and if
the author does a good job of presenting the story. That's what
science fiction is all about. For that matter, that's what most of
this newsgroup is about. My other objection evaporated just as easily:
sure, there was pain and violence in this story; but it occurred in a
surrealistic context that seemed to have a point to it. If I granted
that there may be preternatural beings that have the power to seduce
people and steal their souls, then this kind of activity made perfect
sense.
If the author's goal was to give me nightmares or to make me live in
fear or anticipation that things like this might happen to me, then he
has failed (I hope!). However, if he wanted to entertain me with a
damned good story, then he has succeeded. Now, here's my favorite
part: this story was originally submitted about two months ago. Here's
what I said about it in CR 45:
"As I have said before, I am not an aficionado of vampires, werewolves,
witches, or other preternatural forces. Nevertheless, I think this story has
considerable potential - especially for people who understand the ground rules
of vampires better than I do. The problem with this story is that it lacks
even rudimentary proofreading. The author is obviously intelligent, and so
he/she attempts to use fairly sophisticated ideas and sentence structures to
convey his/her plot. But the mistakes are so glaring as to convince me that
the author simply doesn't want to spend the time to make the story reader-
friendly. I mean, does the author really think that it makes sense to "lye"
in a motionless embrace? Lye is a chemical that cleans my plumbing. And then
near the middle of the story I read these lines: "The fire grew more intense.
MailFirst....Save As... She said. MailTheres pleasure.Save As... And with out
another word she opened her mouth and gently covered mine." This garbled
writing may be the result of a faulty mailer rather than poor writing skills;
but it certainly is annoying. In addition, throughout the story the verbs are
frequently screwed up. As I said earlier, the author is obviously
intelligent; and so he/she sometimes starts using a past perfect tense or the
subjunctive mood correctly, but then all of a sudden we're in the present
tense and indicative mood. There are several instances of misplaced
modifiers, like this one (which also contains a comma splice): "It was if she
never used these feet to walk, scented and soft, I put her toes into my mouth
using my tongue to wet them." Literally, this sentence means that the guy
sucking the toes smelled nice and was soft; and I doubt that's what the author
intended. A few lines later we hear about "the beating of her hart." A hart
is a male deer. What does the author really mean here: "...my mind soured
as I clung tightly as the sweat that gummed my body to hers was causing my
arms to slide." I think the guy's mind “soared”, but the sentence clearly
says that it turned sour! Here's one more that I kinda liked: "My flesh was
ripped and I needed to explode, I wanted orgasm, I started to beg to her.
Mailplease dont stopSave As..." Finally, I think a succubus is a ghostly
visitor that goes under the person being visited; this critter sounds more
like an incubus. {Note: I was wrong about this; the author was right. I
checked.}
"I don't derive sexual satisfaction from making fun of authors'
mistakes, and I don't mean to give the impression that I want to
humiliate this author. For me to say that a vampire story has
potential means that it _really_ has potential. I myself recently
spelled "waist" incorrectly in Celestial Reviews (although I was
actually copying the words of a different writer). Mistakes happen.
But when mistakes accumulate, readers get annoyed and wonder why the
author hasn't gone to the trouble of preparing the text properly.
Creative ideas are the most important part of a story, and I think this
story may have creative ideas. But there's no reason why creative
ideas cannot be presented more coherently than this.
"It's not just English teachers who get upset at this. English
teachers may be the only ones who know why they're upset; but readers
in general will find this presentation to be annoying. I urge this
author and others like him/her to take advantage of my offer to find
free volunteer proofreaders. This could possibly have been an
excellent story if the author would have given it the care it deserves.
(Rating: 4)"
As you will notice from the title, this author accepted my invitation
to receive proofreading assistance; and that's why this is labeled
version 2.0. There are two major differences between the present and
the previous version of this story. First, the grammar and style no
longer stand in the way; the reader can now react to the ideas of the
author and can feel the emotions that the author wanted the reader to
feel. Second, I don't know this for certain, but I imagine the
proofreader challenged the author by asking him to clarify some of the
ideas that originally seemed unclear.
It is important to point out that these improvements are not just
something that please English teachers. Ordinary readers - no, I'll
go further - even borderline imbeciles who themselves communicate only
by grunting and yanking on their penises would have been mainly
confused by the original version but will enjoy this story in its
present format. If this sounds like an advertisement for my
proofreading service, so be it!
Ratings for “"Intimate with the Vampire"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Warlock" by Rocket88 (Rick84@mindspring.com). An immediate
problem that I had with this story was that the text was full of
enigmatic characters that were symbolized by squares on my screen.
These were very distracting. I used the global replacement function on
my word processor, and I quickly and automatically changed them all to
open quotes, end quotes, and apostrophes. I encourage you to do
something similar to minimize distractions when you read this story.
This story involves witchcraft and the "black arts." I view witchcraft
as it is treated in this story to be a form of fairy tale. Because I
have not been excited about fairy tales since my early childhood, I
have lost touch with many of the assumptions that underlie witchcraft
stories. My most current knowledge of witchcraft is derived from
Elizabeth Montgomery, to whom I am deeply indebted for indirect sexual
pleasure, because that enchanted creature has often improved my
husband's mood while he has watched reruns of "Bewitched." I have some
sincere friends who say they are witches and practice a pagan religion,
and they object to stories that focus on magical black arts. I guess
that's more than you need to hear; my point is that I am reviewing this
story as an outsider - a non-enthusiast who is generally unimpressed
with spells and arcane ceremonies. I am reviewing this story primarily
because the author emphatically asked me to do so.
Because of the reservations stated in the previous paragraph, I
approached this story with considerable trepidation. I was pretty sure
I either would not understand it or I would hate it. The story focuses
on Gina, an attractive woman, and Louis, a visiting professor at the
University of Chicago with a specialization in antiquities. Louis is
really a warlock (a male witch). Gina is especially fascinated by his
whips. I found the description of how Gina got interested in spankings
during her childhood to be interesting and realistic. Louis needs to
administer a ritualistic beating to a consenting female human in order
to achieve some sort of rapture and return to a different world. He
attaches the willing Gina to an unusual torture device and administers
the beatings, which she enjoys immensely. Rapture comes, and poof! he
is gone and she is transported back to her home in Rockford, Illinois.
Actually, I was fascinated by the story. I achieved a zero level of
pre-orgasmic moisture, and I don't recommend that anyone actually
participate in such activities; but I was fascinated. I think bdsm
enthusiasts will enjoy this story, and it enabled me to achieve a
better understanding of sadism and masochism. As with many other
stories, however, I am still struck by the constant repetition of
silly, distracting grammar errors that could easily have been removed
prior to posting. Not a bad story. (Rating: 7)
* “Diana” by Mary Anne Mohanraj (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). The young
man, just a few years out of college and a bit disillusioned with the
way his life has gone, has gone off for a couple of days of hiking in
the Berkshire forest. Thinking he is alone, he is surprised to hear
the sound of a woman’s voice; and when he follows that sound he comes
to a clearing in which there are seven blonde women and one red-head -
all beautiful and all naked. What has he stumbled onto? He realizes
that he won’t be welcome, and he starts to retreat; but suddenly he is
summoned to join them. Does this sound interesting? Then read this
well-written story. If you’re familiar with Robert Frost’s poetry,
you’ll probably get a little more out of it than you would otherwise.
And it won’t hurt to recall that Diana was the Roman goddess of the
hunt and of the moon and the protectress or women.
I love this author! I’m tempted to make my students read this story
for English class, but then I’d have to explain where I got it.
Actually, it will be easier simply to forbid them to read it; they’ll
enjoy it more that way.
Ratings for “Diana”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Wet Dreams" by Backrub (BCKRUB@aol.com). The protagonist in this
story has the power to sense out women's dreams and their thoughts that
occur when their senses are not fully awake. He is able to have
wakeful sex with them and yet leave them with the feeling that it was
all a dream. (The author doesn't explain how the protagonist prevents
conception; but that may be expecting too much from an a.s.s. story.)
The story describes in vivid detail one specific encounter. Would this
kind of power be a blessing or a curse? You read the story and decide.
The author does a great job of combining a sense of the mysterious and
the realistic throughout the story. It's almost like a dream itself.
Oh, no! Maybe I'm dreaming right now. Maybe HE's controlling this
dream! You don't think that warm feeling I'm getting in my pussy....
(Rating: 10)
* “Tales of the Seeding" by Wollstonecraft. This is a set of
narratives from the different perspectives of people who are extremely
unsophisticated in their sexual knowledge. We could be dealing with
cave dwellers, with people on a remote island not yet conquered by
"civilized people," or with aliens whose sexual accouterments resemble
those of humans. What is fascinating is that the descriptions all
refer to sex (sometimes in very graphic terms) without ever using
either the formal (intercourse, vagina, etc.) or informal (fuck, cunt,
etc.) terminology that we normally encounter in such stories. The
author does an amazing job - I caught only one mistake, where the
author used the word "come" to describe an orgasm. In addition to
playing with words, the author does an excellent job of building
anticipation and creating a mood of mystery. I loved it. This is a
really creative, ingenious story. (Rating: 10)
* "Bed and Breakfast" by RC (74734.271@compuserve.com). A man arrives
at a New England bed and breakfast inn; the owner assigns him to a back
room; and the owner's daughter becomes visibly upset over this
assignment. What's her problem? I always tell my students that when
the author catches their attention like this, they should try to guess
what might happen next. Then as new information emerges they should
adjust and modify their initial guess to suit the new context. I have
done this in the past with Deirdre's stories, and so I'll try again
here. So what's the problem?
One possibility is that the room is simply adjacent to the daughter's
own room. She might be a shy lass, and having a well-hung stud next
door might make her nervous. That hypothesis sounds dull.
Or the room might previously have been occupied by someone near and
dear to the girl - perhaps her first true love who subsequently died
under unfortunate circumstances. This hypothesis sounds good.
Or the room might be haunted. The second hypothesis sounds best so
far.
I'm glad I mentioned that last possibility, because Abigail (the daughter)
grabs the visitor and warns him that when the place was first built, the
owner's daughter resided in that room. She had been arrested and executed.
Her ghost still haunts that room. Our foolhardy boarder laughs gently and
resolves to stay. It's time to revise my hypotheses.
It's almost certain that a ghost will appear. One possibility is that
the ghost will have her merry way with our wayfarer and send him
happily on his way. {Since the narrator lived to tell the story, he
probably won't die during sexual ecstasy.}
Another possibility is that Abigail will join in the festivities.
A third possibility is that Abigail IS the ghost. I like this theory;
but I'd have to see her naked to verify it. More likely, Abigail might
be intimately involved in some way with the ghost.
Soon we find out the ghost's crime: having sex with another woman.
Colonial New Englander's frowned on that practice, which was akin to
witchcraft.
Interestingly, at his point I had to pause: was the boarder a man or a
woman? I glanced back over the earlier text. Although I had assumed
this was a man, the text didn't tell. A few lines later I read that
bras and panties from the suitcase were strewn about the room. So we
have either an unusual man or a woman here. I'll go with the woman
theory. This forces a major shift in my thinking: we now have a
(presumably) middle-aged woman, an attractive young woman, and the
ghost of a young woman who had been executed by Puritans for
lesbianism.
I'm going to stop telling the story now. As you know, ghosts operate
under different rules in different stories; and part of the fun of a
ghost story is finding out what those rules are in the current tale.
All I can tell you now is that this ghost is capable of engaging in
sexual activities that are extremely satisfying to human females.
Ratings for "Bed and Breakfast"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Night of the Wolves" by Lysander (lysander@vnet.net). "You'll be
fine, Judith. As long as you let your instincts guide you." The band
of women have been engaged in an orgy of dancing and sex with one
another; but all this is simply a preparation for the arrival of the
wolves. The monthly ritual consists of the women fucking with the
wolves from the time of the animals' arrival until the moon goes down.
I have never been an enthusiast of bestiality stories, but this one was
interesting - to say the least. Before I read this story I knew, of
course, that Romulus and Remus (and probably Wolfman Jack) had been
raised by wolves, and I had read "Call of the Wild," but my knowledge
of wolves as potential sexual partners was limited. Now I am much
better informed.
The story is well written. The author says this is his most popular
story. However, I don't think it is his best; I think "Summer Dreams,"
"Grey," and the unfinished "Droit du Signeur" are all better.
Nevertheless, this is an excellent story. While reading it, I found
myself mumbling internally, "This is silly! Why would a wolf act like
that?" This is exactly what the author wanted me to think. By the end
of the story everything had fallen into place.
Ratings for "Night of the Wolves"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Princess” by Parker. This is listed as Parker25. It has been posted
recently, and so it should be available on Deja News. I hope someone
will repost it quickly on a.s.s.
Stephen is a computer geek who has been invited by Janice Sweet to be
her date at Cindy Parker's Halloween party. Janice is the most
beautiful girl in the school, and she has just broken up with the most
handsome jock. Stephen is tempted to back out when he finds out that
Janice wants him to dress like a girl while she dresses like a guy; but
Janice is very persuasive. She promises him lots of sex later on; and
she’s not lying about that!
The costume goes on very nicely; Stephen has become Stephanie. Janice
hurries off to help Cindy prepare for the party, and Stephen arrives
alone at Cindy’s house in time for the party. Only it’s not a costume
party! He’s the only one dressed in a costume; but nobody notices,
because he looks like a real girl in normal clothing. There’s no way
out; so he continues to play the female role.
It turns out that Janice is simply using Stephen to get even with Biff
the football jock for dumping her. Use your imagination. How would a
pretty little bitch use a dork dressed up like a cute little girl to
get even with her brutish ex? That’s right! And pretty soon he finds
himself doing the entire football team. At least he gets to be a
cheerleader.
Ratings for "Princess"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“The Addams Family: Eddie Comes to Visit" by Shelby Bush
(stbush@iglou.com). This story is actually a combination of “The
Munsters” and “The Addams Family.” Eddie Munster comes to visit the
Addams children. After some enjoyable torture, Wednesday Addams gives
head to her brother Pugsley. Just as Eddie is about to get the thrill
of his life from Wednesday, the full moon takes effect; and Eddie runs
off to the bathroom, where he turns into a werewolf - actually, a
werewolf cub. Although she’s a bit distressed at Eddie’s
disappearance, Wednesday takes the cub to her room.
Since this is a sitcom episode, Morticia and Gomez are engaging in
raucous sex in the background; and Uncle Fester is jerking off
somewhere in the shadows. Gomez has a French fetish. Morticia speaks
imperfect French. "Manger moi. Respondez s'il vous plait” is close
enough for Gomez; after all, this is a sex fetish, not a French
language lesson.
Meanwhile, Wednesday has taken Eddie the Werewolf to bed, thinking he’s
a stray puppy. When she starts to masturbate, Eddie behaves in a
beastly manner.
Meanwhile, Cousin Itt joins Morticia and Gomez for a “menage e'tois.”
I don’t know if incest is a meaningful concept in a family like this.
What could be the logic behind an incest taboo in a family that could
only be improved by genetic mutations? Kay Sarah Sarah, as the French
say!
If you know absolutely nothing about the monster shows of the 1960’s,
you might get lost in this story. But I enjoyed it immensely. And
there’s more to come!
Ratings for " Addams Family"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
“Halloween Story” by RC (74734.271@CompuServe.Com). Diane goes to a
Halloween party dressed as a sexy maid. She is the center of attention
until she meets the woman dressed like Elvira the vampire. She can’t
help herself. She leaves with the vampire, and then strange things
happen to her.
Ratings for " Halloween Story"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“Boo!” by PleaseCain (pleasecain@aol.com). Warning: This story contain
gratuitous sex and violence. But hey, what would Halloween be without
gratuitous sex and violence?
It’s an interesting setup; I’m surprised I haven’t seen it on this
newsgroup before. The young man is playing the part of a vampire and
the young woman a witch at one of those haunted houses that spring up
around Halloween to traumatize and thrill the little children of
America. Business is slow, and the boss closes early and tells the
vampire and witch to lock things up when they leave. One thing leads
to another, and pretty soon the sex gets steamy, and then she decides
he wants him to act like a real vampire. And that’s only for starters!
Next comes the gratuitous sex and violence.
Ratings for "Boo!"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Brown Mountain Incident” by Charles Baudot (wboyden@freenet.vcu.edu).
This story combines a placid man-boy sexual encounter with a ghost
story - actually with an old urban legend theme. The man is traveling
through the mountains and comes upon a 10-year-old hitchhiker who is
cold, wet, miserable, and lost. He takes the boy in. The sexual
contact is so innocuous that only a person who has an allergic reaction
to any mention of sex with an underage child would react with
hostility. Nevertheless, the guy probably is technically guilty of
sexual abuse of a minor - except that it’s hard to prove a case against
a guy who has sex with a ghost.
I plan to look for more stories by this author.
Ratings for " Brown Mountain Incident
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“Temptation” by PleaseCain (pleasecain@aol.com). Hmmm... What kind of
story is this? A lovely woman is sleeping beneath a tree. She is a
part of the beauty of nature, and a disembodied voice caresses her and
meditates on her loveliness. Nothing really happens. It’s all
anticipation. This is a completely different kind of story - perhaps
more a poem than a story; but it’s very nice.
Ratings for "Temptation”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“True Love” by Dafney Dewitt (ii361@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). This is
not really a sex story. It’s really a story about true love gone wrong
on Halloween; but since it’s written by a regular author of sex
stories, I thought I should include it in the Halloween issue of
Celestial Reviews.
The boy is being interrogated by the police about the murder of his
girlfriend. She died from a blow to the head from a shovel in a
cemetery, and her body was buried there. The boy claims to be
innocent. Read the story for details.
Ratings for "True Love”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“Haunting Memories” by Gaetana (gaetana@aol.com). Two adolescent boys
and a girl sneak into a house that they consider to be haunted. They
find no ghosts, but they do discover that some transients have been
living there. They steal a few items and run home, where they are
severely punished by their parents. Nobody has sex with anybody else;
but some pornographic magazines are among the stolen items they steal,
and the girl gets a severe spanking from her father.
Since this story was cross-posted to alt.sex.spanking, I suppose the
spanking is supposed to be the erotic part of the story; but no own
reaction was that there was no sex at all in this story. I won’t deny
that some spankings can be sensuous; but it doesn’t make sense to me to
believe that it’s a sexual experience every time a child gets a beating
from his or her parents. This child broke a rule; she experienced
pain; and she pretty much decided not to repeat the offense. If this
were all there is to sex, then it would be a lot easier to convince
kids not to do it until they grew up!
Ratings for " Haunting Memories”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
“Goodnight Kiss” by Ben Zonah (benz@fan.net.au). Through some sort of
confusion, this story has not yet appeared on alt.sex.stories. I hope
the author tries again.
A young woman who has been lost in the forest is saved by a mysterious
young man. As a reward for his kindness, she makes love to him in his
rustic cabin. Since this is a special Halloween issue of Celestial
Reviews, you would be correct to assume that there is an element of
mystery to this story. However, since this story depends partly on
surprise, I cannot tell you what that element is. You’ll have to read
it for yourself.
Ratings for " Goodnight Kiss”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8