Celestial Reviews 128 - Oct 23, 1996
Note: I am planning a special issue of stories related to Halloween
for October 30. If you have titles to suggest, send them to me.
Obviously I cannot read a huge number of long stories; but I can repost
old reviews and add a few new ones. Do NOT bother sending me the whole
stories. If I don’t have a story or cannot find it, I may ask for your
further help in locating it.
- Celeste
“Girl Meets Girl Meets Boy” by Mary Anne Mohanraj
(complex romance)10, 10, 10
“Close Call” by Unknown Author (ff sex & threesome)
10, 10, 10
“Married...With Children: The Return of the Little Green
Men” by King Pach (sitcom parody) 7, 10, 10
“White Cat” by M. M. Twassel (cat story) 10, 9, 9
“Bad Touching” by Dafney Dewitt (sensuous touching)
10, 10, 10
“Miss Parnell's Office” by Swoon Racers (mind control)
10, 8, 7
“Pamela” by d (romance) 10, 10, 10
“Bertram I” by I’m not sure (sexual humor) 10, 10, 10
“Computer Fun” by Dulcinea (on-line sex) 10, 10, 10
* "After" by Deirdre (spanking) 8
* "Afternoon" by Deirdre. (ff sex & voyeurism) 10
* "Airport" by Deirdre (massage, anal sex, voyeurism) 10
* "Cocktail Table" by Sue (orgy) 10, 10,
* "Lab Partners" by WithSue (very hot, gentle threesome) 10
* "AdventureLand" by Sue.(Amusement park sex) 9, 8, 10
* "Arresting Officer" by Ann Douglas (ff police sex)
10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has recently
been reposted)
“Girl Meets Girl Meets Boy” by Mary Anne Mohanraj
(moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). This is the same old story. You've heard
it a thousand times. They meet. They fall in love. They fall apart.
They come together. They live happily ever after. The end. Only with
a twist this time.
The two girls meet first and have a happy life together. Then they
take in the boy. It’s non-sexual at first; but then one of the girls
falls in love with him, and on the very night that he falls in love
with the other girl, the first girl gets raped and nearly dies. How
can anyone make sense out of this arrangement? They meet. They fall in
love. They fall apart. They come together. They live happily ever
after. The end.
As so often happens with this author, the sex lies far away in the
background, but at the same time it is the most important part of the
story.
Ratings for “Girl Meets Girl Meets Boy”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Close Call” by Unknown Author. The tone of this story is just about
the opposite of the previous story. The author simply bombards the
reader with hot sexual activity. We start with two young college girls
spending the night together talking about their boyfriends. Then they
start to experiment with each other. They get so wrapped up in each
other that they don’t notice the older brother when he comes in and
catches them together. No problem, they invite him to join in. A good
time is had by all. The title refers to the fact that they are almost
caught by the one girl’s parents - which would have been a problem,
because the plot would have become somewhat unwieldy if they had to ask
them to join in as well.
This is really hot stuff!
Ratings for “Close Call”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Married...With Children: The Return of the Little Green Men” by King
Pach (parapuke@holli.com). This story is based on the famous episode of
Married with Children in which the little green aliens came for Al
Bundy's socks to power their spacecraft. But this time they are not
cumming for socks! The story begins with Buck the Dog fucking Kelly,
the loose-living, unintelligent, female progeny of Al and Peg Bundy.
Immediately after the dog is finished, Bud the Boy Wonder enters
Kelly’s bedroom and is enticed by the charms she displays even in her
drunken stupor. He begins to jerk off, then realizes that it would be
better to rub her tits with his cock, then realizes that his spunk will
be all over her body, then inserts his cock into her sleeping mouth to
avoid spillage, then squirts a load which she swallows out of instinct.
Then he does it again.
But where are the eponymous little green men? They show up later. It
doesn’t have to be a continuous plot. After all, this is a parody of
one of the most inane but successful shows ever produced. It seems
that this time the aliens have come to ask Al for his semen so that
they can clone him: they want to produce legions of Al Bundies to
furnish socks to power the universe. However, after a lifetime as a
shoe salesman married to Peg, Al’s pecker is not up to the task - until
Kelly comes into the room. What the hell? How can we let a little
incest stand in the way of the good of greenmankind? Al fucks her four
times in various orifices. You’ll have to figure that out or read the
story. Then Al falls asleep and the aliens decide that what’s good for
their pal is probably good for them too, and their sexual equipment is
of generous proportions indeed!
This is a thoroughly sleazy, disgusting, enjoyable story.
Ratings for “Married...With Children”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“White Cat” by M. M. Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com). When one comes
across a story with this title in a newsgroup called alt.sex.stories,
one may logically wonder what it will be about. One might expect that
it might be about a white person befriending and having sex with a
black person in the 1960’s, at a time when the black lingo might refer
to the White Cat with whom the black person was exchanging affections.
That’s not it. The race of the people in this story is not even
mentioned. Since the woman gets stuck out on the roof of her house, I
would assume that both she and her husband are white. But I could be
wrong about that. I don’t want to promote inappropriate stereotyping
or new spam lines on this newsgroup.
Next, one might look through the story for the occurrence of cat-
related sex words. If one tries that; one will find that the word
pussy occurs twice - in near juxtaposition: "Sweet Pussy. Sweet, sweet
Pussy". However, that’s not it either. The guy is caressing the white
fur of a cat when he says these words. I suppose that should have been
a hint, but one persisted.
One looked for the word “fuck.” Hmmm. One occurrence, in the past
tense, serving as an explanation for why the house seemed to be
trembling. Thinking there may be some potential in this line of
reasoning, one tried looking for “cum.” Finding nun, one tried “come.”
Jackpot! Eight instances of come or its variants! But only one
referring to the onset of an orgasm - again in the past tense, again a
metaphor explaining why the roof is trembling. “Coming” more often
referred to the arrival of neighbors, schoolchildren, the mailman, or
firemen - or to a nonexistent lover making love to her husband in the
adjacent room while the woman sat next to her white cat on the roof
because she was scared to come inside.
One could also pursue Deirdresque alternatives. Maybe the white cat
exercises mind control. Maybe the white cat is a symbol for a coven of
anti-witches who engage in orgiastic rituals. Maybe..... but no;
Deirdre and all her imitators use one-word titles - like “Albino.”
One might as well give up and read the story, which is actually about a
white cat that gets lost and the owner engages in wild acts of
imagination while trying to find her feline friend. The author states
at the beginning that this story is 99% orgasm-free; and this is a
close estimate - within plus or minus one percent, I would say.
The author concludes with a brief epilogue: "White Cat" shares with my
other stories that it was not necessarily designed to trigger orgasm in
the reader. To those of you who downloaded this story with that in
mind, my apologies--I sincerely hope you will soon will find something
(or better yet someone) appropriate; and perhaps "White Cat" will have
served well as an appetizer. In any event, I welcome comments and
criticism.”
I enjoyed this story; but don’t say that one didn’t warn you!
Ratings for “White Cat”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Bad Touching” by Dafney Dewitt (ii361@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). This
story could be subtitled “Memo to Moralistic Moms.” It has a moral to
it: with “sex education” there is often too much emphasis on what is
bad without explaining the good. This omission can lead to confusion
and ruined lives.
Ratings for “Bad Touching”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Miss Parnell's Office” by Swoon Racers (IHYPNO@TIZ.EDU).When I
interviewed for my first teaching job, there was no presumably
decorative riding crop on the desk of the headmistress - or principal,
as we preferred to call him. Had there been one, I probably wouldn’t
have known what is was for. I probably would have thought the
principal owned a horse. Knowing what I know now, of course, I would
simply take effective countermeasures by using the pendulum on the
large clock to hypnotize the stupid bitch and give her a mindset to
leave me alone and to hire me to teach English. But I am a more
obstinate and complex person that the young lady seated in Miss
Parnell’s office.
But the author beat me to it. Helga becomes hypnotized by the clock
and almost in a trance accepts the position as special assistant to
Miss Parnell. If I were a music teacher named Helga, I probably would
fall for the Parnell line too. There’s a lot that goes unexplained in
this story. I presume that people who are inherently interested in
mind control as a literary genre will be more impressed with this story
than I was.
Ratings for “Miss Parnell's Office”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
“Pamela” by d (d@abc.efg). Mark opens his door one night and finds
Pamela there. She is extremely distraught and soaked to the bones by a
cold rain. She came home earlier that day to surprise her husband and
found him in the sack with another woman. In the past Mark turned to
Pam and Glenn when his own marriage to Marie broke up, and now roles
have switched.
Sure, I like this story because it is well written and I am an
incurable romantic. But I also like it because it has an element of
authenticity that is lacking in many other stories. I consider the
descriptions of the sexual activities to be hot; but compared to some
of the other stories I have read lately, some readers would consider
this to be tame stuff. There are only two people who engage in sexual
intercourse at any one time; there are no sextoys and no one is
watching them. There is no anal penetration. The size of the guy’s
cock is not even mentioned. The woman even acts self-conscious about
kissing the guy’s cock and caressing it between her breasts. Come to
think of it, even I consider this to be tame stuff. It is the
_context_ in which all this tame stuff occurs that makes it hot. The
author does an excellent job of setting up a believable context for
romantic sexual activity that makes that activity hot as well as
romantic.
The following anecdote is out of context in this review of this
romantic, sensitive story. I used my on-line thesaurus to look for a
synonym for context in the preceding paragraph. It suggested
“appendage.” So if you wish to do so, you may believe that “the author
does an excellent job of setting up a believable appendage for romantic
sexual activity that makes that activity hot as well as romantic.”
Ratings for “Pamela”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Bertram I” by {I’m not sure}. I tried to write to this author to find
out what name he would like to use, but the message bounced. I’d
really like to know this author’s pen name, since I intend to look for
more of his stories.
This is a parody of the classic Bertie and Jeeves stories. I hope that
tells you more than it told me; I have never heard of Bertie and
Jeeves. In this episode Bertram is summoned to his Aunt Agnes’s
bedside, where she informs him that his uncle Tom has left her. She
has no one to share her bed. She asks Bertram to take care of her. He
acquiesces; but first he hastens down the hall to consult with his
valet, Cheeves, who recommends a sexual technique called the one-man
band.
This is a delightful story about happily decadent people. It is filled
with mildly bizarre but very interesting activities and metaphors that
I have never thought of before. The nicest thing about this story is
that I have already downloaded “Bertram II” for review in a subsequent
issue of Celestial Reviews.
When I read parodies, I never know whether an apparent error is
deliberate or accidental. {Kind of like my own “finding nun” phrase
earlier in this issue of CR.} The author says, “She spread her legs
wide and revealed to me the rich plane of her cunt.” Did he really
mean to say that?
Ratings for “Bertram I”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Computer Fun” by Dulcinea. The man signs onto the computer at work
and is surprised to find a flag for his on-line chat partner. In
response to his first comment, she replies "I can picture you sitting
at your desk in your little cubicle, typing into your notebook. Can
you picture me, sitting here at home in front of my PC, wearing nothing
but a sheet?" Interesting set-up! What’s a guy to say? "What color
sheet?" The plot thickens.
Dulcinea has written several of these very hot, very short stories.
Like many of the others, this one doesn’t have a complete plot; but it
warms things up nicely.
Ratings for “Computer Fun”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* Several of the Deirdre stories are being reposted on a.s.s., and I have
managed to acquire copies of all these stories plus advance notice of when
they'll be posted. I'll try to post the reviews at a time when you can easily
find the stories. Actually, I don't know why anyone would need my reviews.
Since Deirdre's stories depend on surprising twists, I really can't tell you
much about the plot in my reviews; and her stories are invariably well
written. If I were you, I would simply download any story that has her name
in the title line.
As you may know, I have a theory that Deirdre is the reincarnation of Sherwood
Anderson. It has come to my attention that the only people outside Clyde,
Ohio, who know about Sherwood Anderson are English teachers. So I'll take a
moment to tell you about him. Like Deirdre, Anderson was a prolific short-
story writer. {Unlike Deirdre, he was also a novelist and critic.} He is best
known for his sensitive portrayals of the lives of small-town midwesterners.
{Deidre is best known for her portrayals of people with mild sexual quirks.}
In 1919 he achieved fame with "Winesburg, Ohio", a group of interconnected
short stories about small-town people whose frustrations and shattered dreams
turn them into what he called "grotesques." {Deirdre is too polite to use a
term like that.}
Anderson's primary focus was the effects of industrialization on the life of
the individual. {Deirdre's primary focus is slightly unusual sexual behavior.}
His characters were often bizarre; and this aroused the resentment of the
citizens of Clyde, who understandably got the feeling he was writing about
them. {Deirdre's characters are not exactly run-of-the-mill, church-going,
PTA members. It is my understanding that Deirdre is not allowed to visit
Clyde, Ohio, except on Halloween.}
Anderson strongly and permanently influenced the short story, concentrating on
mood and psychological insight rather than on plot. For you foreigners out
there, he's sort of an American Chekov. {Deirdre has pursued a similar
emphasis and has exerted a similar influence on a.s.s. } Anderson's most
famous collections of short stories are The Triumph of the Egg (1921), Horses
and Men (1923), and Death in the Woods (1933). Some of his finest writing
appears in his autobiographical works: A Story Teller's Story (1924); Tar: A
Midwest Childhood (1926); and Sherwood Anderson's Memoirs (1942). His
writings influenced Edwin Arlington Robinson, whose poems were popularized in
the late 1960's and early 1970's by Simon and Garfunkel (e.g., "Richard Cory"
and "A Most Peculiar Man.")
In short, Anderson has been reincarnated as Deirdre in the late 20th Century
and is writing short stories for a.s.s., focusing on sex rather than
industrialization, but retaining his emphasis on moods and psychology rather
than explicit events. College students in literature courses who follow this
newsgroup should take an offbeat story by Deirdre and begin their term paper
thus: "If Sherwood Anderson were alive today, I think he would write about the
effects of sex rather than industrialization on the lives of men and women in
contemporary society. For example, a typical Sherwood Anderson plot would...
{and then summarize in concise but vivid detail your favorite Deirdre story.
As you do so, follow the rules of the Little Brown Handbook rather than
Celestial Grammar, since you'll want to throw your prof off the track.} If
anyone does this, please let me know what happens.
Now where else on the 'Net can you get this kind of fascinating
information while you're looking for a sexual release? For all you
know, this might come up on Jeopardy next week!
* "After" by Deirdre. A college girl is first shocked and then
fascinated by her friend's interest in spanking. By the end of the
story she becomes a participant.
Ratings for “After”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Afternoon" by Deirdre. Three college girls go for a ride on a beautiful
afternoon. They pick up a female hitchhiker, who invites them to her cabin
and introduces them to her female roommate. Two out of the three change their
sexual preferences during the ensuing 24 hours. The other watches, listens,
and narrates the story. I found this story to be full of hot sex, although
most of it was implied rather than explicit. (Rating: 10)
Ratings for “Afternoon”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Airport" by Deirdre. It all starts off as an innocent massage that the
woman gives to her roommate, who is obviously exhausted at the end of the work
day. Just when the reader thinks this is a pretty mild story, events escalate
to anal stimulation in a very public place with someone watching. There's not
much actual sex in this story, but it's still very stimulating.
Ratings for “Airport”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* “Cocktail Table" by Sue. Sue accepts an invitation to a party from
some graduate students who admire her literary work. After the initial
fuss over her arrival, everyone sits around in a quiet circle with
their hands on their laps while Sue reads "Slippery When Wet" to the
group. Everyone gets turned on by the splendid reading, and the
spokesman for the group suggests that Sue may want to leave before the
ensuing orgy begins. Sue chooses to stay. Actually, Sue tells it
better; so read the story.
I shall now respond to the one unanswered question in Sue's story: the
plural of "clitoris" is "clitorises". Interestingly enough, my
spellcheck recognized this plural, even though it failed to recognize
"anally," "Sistine," "dominatrix," and "supermodel." I verified this
plural in my unabridged dictionary, where the word is found right after
"cliticize" (the meaning of which may surprise you) and on the same
page with a picture of a cloister. Talk about a screwed up value
system! The dictionary defines clit, clitoris, and cliticize (and 101
pages later gives three definitions for cunt, which happen to come
right before Mario Cuomo - now there's a coincidence for you), but it
gives a picture of a cloister instead of a clitoris! I mean, how many
readers in all of history have looked at the definition of a cloister
and said, "Damn! I wish I had a picture to clear this up for me!"
Sorry about the digression; but Sue did raise the original question in
her story.
{Well, now that I have already digressed, I might mention that I did a
double-take during proofreading - 101 pages of definitions between
clitoris and Cuomo? Yes, that’s right. Yesterday a prissy student
came up to my desk and told me that another student - who was
disgruntled over her grade - had called me “the c-word.” I asked her
to be more specific, but she couldn’t utter “the c-word” out loud. She
doesn’t realize how truly ambiguous her accusation was!}
This was a very enjoyable story. I have only one problem with it, and
that problem is akin to the play within a play theme that often occurs
in Shakespeare. When Sue has six guys shoot their jism all over her
body (never mind the cunt juices that are flowing like milk and honey)
- when she gets her pastry frosted by six guys at once, whose record is
she breaking? (Not mine, certainly!) She compares it to the four guys
whose snorkels she cleared in "Slippery When Wet," but that's a work of
fiction, and is recognized as such even in the present work of fiction.
Sue herself is actually a most demure person who probably isn't even
named Sue and almost certainly has not participated in Onan's Olympics
with more than two male partners at the same time. So what we have
here is a fiction within a fiction and how do we know that even that is
not fiction? In other words, that that is not is not that that is. (I
was tempted to replace "in other words" with "that is" in the preceding
sentence, but then the thought would have become confusing.)
Sorry. Even though I am a most cunning linguist I just never had a
chance to say that last sentence in a meaningful context before. If
you're ever in danger of premature orgasm, try repeating and
understanding that sentence, and it will probably keep you from coming
at least until your partner catches up with you.
Ratings for “Cocktail Table”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Lab Partners" by WithSue. Sue was kind enough to send me a copy of
this story before she reposted it. When I saw it posted this morning,
I was upset, because I hadn't finished it yet. So I dug into the rest
of the 24 pages (11,188 words, according to my word count) and was late
for breakfast. It was as good as Sue humbly said it would be. (Now I
have to put this out of my mind and concentrate on summer school.) The
deal here is that Sue loves fantasies and in real life encourages other
authors to respond to her fantasies by finishing or adapting her
stories. A few paragraphs into the story, I realized that Sue herself
was the lab partner working with the two guys. The buildup took a
while; but even our anti-Jane-Austen critic would enjoy the result, I
think. (I'd really like to know his opinion of this one.) This has to
be one of the longest orgasms in a.s.s. history; and I stayed glued to
the screen for every minute of it. This may be a chick story - but
what a chick!
Ratings for “Lab Partners”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "AdventureLand" by Sue. I love theme parks. Disney World in Orlando
is an especially romantic place. In this story, a woman manages to get
into the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction after everyone else has
left it. She masturbates and engages in sexual fantasies with the
characters. The punch line is that one of the characters turns out to
be the college kid who runs the attraction, and he fucks her and slips
away before she realizes that he wasn't part of her imagination. I
liked the story a lot. I'm sure there are religious people somewhere
who would be repulsed at the thought of a Disney employee taking
advantage of an innocent customer; but what the hell - this story takes
place in an atmosphere in which the "legitimate" fantasy consists of
fun-loving pirates looting villages and gleefully carrying off the
female prisoners. When I've taken my kids on that ride, I've often
mentally noted that in real life the pirates would have had their
sexual jollies with the women they were chasing. Being captured and
raped by a pirate probably wasn't as much fun as Disney suggests. In
real life Disney employees who have sex with customers who are
masturbating with the characters should be fired; just as pirates who
rape and pillage should normally be hanged after a fair trial. It was
fun to read a story in which a modern pirate took advantage of a
damsel. On the downside, you really do have to stretch your
imagination to buy into the story. But overall, it was just good clean
fun.
Ratings for “AdventureLand”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Arresting Officer" by Ann Douglas. When I started this story about
police officers busting a bunch of prostitutes, I thought I knew
exactly where it was going; but the story surprised me. If I tell you
too much about this story, I'll run the risk of ruining it for you.
All I'll say here is that it's well written and creative.
Ratings for “Arresting Officer”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10