Celestial Reviews 119 - September 21, 1996
Note: Occasionally I get e-mail from people who knew a sexy person named
Celeste and want to know if I am that person. I thought you might like to see
the response I sent to the most recent person who wanted to renew old
acquaintances with me. (Names have been altered to protect anonymity.)
I am not Celeste Winokowski. Celeste Winokowski is a person who often thinks
of the great times she had with a person named Dale. I have never had such
thoughts.
Celeste is not my real name. For that matter, Tipper Gore is not my real name
either. I’m more relieved by the latter than by the former.
Although I am not Celeste Winokowski, I DO think I know somebody (not
including you) that knows somebody that knows her. I say this because for any
two people in America, there’s about a 90% chance that one of them knows
somebody that knows somebody that knows the other. However, there’s also a
95% probability that neither of them will ever find out about this
relationship.
The reason I know this is because a guy on an airplane used this information
as a pickup line with me: “Hi. I know somebody that knows somebody that knows
you.” At first I thought he was crazy, but we discussed the matter; and by
darn, he did! If this were an a.s.s. story, he would have then slid his hand
onto my thigh under the blanket, discovered that I wasn’t wearing panties,
whispered into my ear words of endearment, driven me to an ecstatic orgasm,
and invited me to reciprocate. But he didn’t. Which was nice, because my
daughter was seated on the other side of me, enjoying the entire conversation.
I checked this theory with a friend of mine who is a statistician (actually,
an actuary), and he said it was probably pretty accurate. He told me if I
added one person to the link, I could extend my generalization to all of the
Western world. (Actuaries easily get a little carried away when they talk to
undercover sex goddesses). When I told my husband about this, he suggested
that it would be more fun and equally true to say, “I know somebody that knows
somebody that has slept with you.” In my case, this would merely put my
husband rather than myself in the final link; but it does sound a lot more
risque.
What all of this means relevant to this newsgroup is that even though you
don’t know who your favorite author is, nevertheless you do know somebody that
knows somebody that knows that author (or who has slept with him/her). Of
course, since that person is anonymous and since the two of you are not
communicating, the chances are incredibly minuscule that you’ll ever find out
any more details about this relationship.
Just thought you’d like to know.
Second Note: When I discussed the problems and solutions regarding noise on
this newsgroup, I neglected to mention the alt.sex.stories FAQ, which is
posted monthly. This was a serious omission. It has recently been revised
and updated; and several miniFAQs regarding specific topics are in the works.
I urge you to check it out for good suggestions regarding reading and writing
stories for this newsgroup.
Third Note: The Web Page that used to archive my Top 100 Stories of 1995 has
apparently stopped offering this service. I have not been directly affiliated
with that site and have had no control over it. I’ll give you more details,
if I ever obtain any.
- Celeste
“Seduction" by Michael K. Smith (infidelity)
10, 10, 10
“Dutch Treat” by Mark (tawdry encounter) 10, 10, 10
“Trinity Trilogy Novel 11/14” by Tom Trinity
(miscellaneous orgies) 10, 9.5, 10
“First Meeting” by MountainTop (bdsm) 10, 10, 10
“The Flight” by Jym (extreme bdsm) 9.5, 9, 7
“A Girl's Guide To Sex With Dogs” by Jamie Whitaker
(just the facts) 7, 7, 7
“Morning Rush” by Unknown Author (elaborate wannafuck)
8, 8, 8
“Jasmine and the Purple Panties” by Huntsman (magical
mystical pregnancy) 8, 5, 5
“Consuming Passion” by PleaseCain (sci fi sex in a
treehouse) 10, 10, 10
* “Doorjam” by PleaseCain (prostitution) 10, 10, 10
“Cinderella” by Seafire (Fairy Tale Erotica with
an attitude) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review.
“Seduction” by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com). Here are two
simple rules of thumb, applicable only to monogamous relationships and
stated in their most general form. The first is that happily married
spouses should not give or receive massages to or from scantily-clad
in-laws who are staying over while the other spouse is gone. The
second is that if he or she breaks the first rule, the spouse should
terminate the massage as soon as the sexual hardware kicks into gear.
A corollary is that the spouse should not use phrases like "Let me move
this out of the way" in any of the above circumstances.
This is a story about a man who breaks both of my rules while playing
sexual chicken with his sexy sister-in-law who is living with them
while she finds herself. There is another rule that applies to in-laws
who are “finding themselves,” but I don’t want to make this more
complicated than it already is. But once you’ve already broken all
these rules, if the in-law asks, “What are you doing to me?" I suppose
"Nothing you don't secretly want me to do” is about as good an answer
as any.
Anyway, these people break all my rules and have a fine time doing it.
This is a sexy story!
Ratings for “Seduction”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Dutch Treat” by Mark (MarkB@aboy.demon.co.uk). Let’s see. “Dutch
Treat” could be about a date with a woman who pays for the condoms.
But since the story takes place in Amsterdam, it is probably about a
sexual treat the guy receives from a Dutch woman. I was close. It’s
about a sexual treat the guy DOESN’T receive from a Dutch woman. It
takes real skill to make something like that seem sexy!
Ratings for “Dutch Treat”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Trinity Trilogy Novel 11/14” by Tom Trinity (stbush@iglou.com). The
stories in this segment focus exclusively on the Trinity Plus One Plus
Veronica and Val during a weekend of wild sexual acrobatics at the
Trinity House. We have daisy chains (e.g., Judy doing Veronica doing
Candy doing Val) and circles (e.g., by adding Tom and Janie and closing
the circuit). It’s pretty hot stuff, even though it does get a bit
confusing from time to time. Eventually they make a videotape to
record for posterity one of their epic orgies.
The most interesting part of this segment comes when they make a tape
of each person describing his/her earliest sexual experience. I felt I
was listening to friends revealing their secrets, even though I knew
full well that these were fictional characters. Seventy-three stories
can have that effect on a person, I guess. Not surprisingly, Tom was a
22-year-old English teacher when he first did it with a sensitive drama
student.
Ratings for “Trinity Trilogy Novel 11/14”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“First Meeting” by MountainTop (Topspace4@aol.com). The lady once
wrote a story for an erotic newsgroup about a woman in a submissive
relationship. After that she read a story on a similar topic by
another author and communicated with him about his story. Her husband
wasn’t interested in bdsm, and so she went out and tried a relationship
with a stranger; but that attempt was a disaster. She mentioned this
via e-mail to the author of the other story, and he invited her to
state her limits and join him for a session. She decided to accept his
invitation.
The guy is a real prince. He takes control; gives her a rose; buys her
champagne; spanks her for wearing the wrong underwear, bra, and shoes;
squeezes her nipples painfully; binds her; inserts a butt plug; and
does other interesting things to turn her own. She, of course, says
“Thank you, Master” for all the pain he inflicts and has a roaring
orgasm.
An interesting thing about this story is the description of the limits
that the partners set before the tryst. I have never done this, but I
have read lots of bdsm stories this past year. These rules make good
sense and could even serve as useful guidelines for others interested
in taking the plunge into tentative bdsm.
The story has some minor problems (such as accidentally alternating
between Lisa and Karen for the woman’s name); but overall it’s a very
good story. Bdsm is still not for me. I CAN see how pleasure can be
heightened by contrasting it to pain, and I can understand how it could
be pleasurable to be completely under the protection of a stronger
Master who cares about me; but I am still turned off by the subservient
attitude and the notion that a person who loves me would deliberately
induce pain. I’m not trying to convert anyone - just to explain my
feelings. If I DID decide to experiment with bdsm with someone other
than my husband, I think I would use this story as a model. Before you
all rush out and buy butt plugs and head for the airport with your
safewords, however, I want to remind you that this is fiction. I
suspect that in real life blind bdsm dates are at least as likely to be
disasters as are more mundane, regular blind dates.
Ratings for “First Meeting”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“The Flight” by Jym (ABC@XYZ.COM). This story could be described as
the dark side of the previous story. It depicts a really dysfunctional
bdsm relationship. From my perspective it supplies good reasons to
avoid toying with bdsm with strangers; but I suppose bdsm enthusiasts
might consider this to be the beginning of a really great relationship.
The story is about a young woman who gets picked up by a much younger
female flight attendant. She is easily seduced into having sex with
the attendant on the plane, and then accompanies her home and becomes
her permanent sex slave. At the very end we learn that she is a “pain
slut” - a term that apparently describes a woman who so much enjoys to
suffer during sex that she looks forward to being casually strangled
for the amusement of her lover. The story is clearly written, but
there’s not much really hot sex in it - unless you get turned on by the
shock value of the “pain slut” concept. Do such people really exist?
I’m sure they do; but I think they represent a serious personality
dysfunction rather than an alternative lifestyle.
Ratings for “The Flight”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
“A Girl's Guide To Sex With Dogs” by Jamie Whitaker
(4GirlsOnly@doggie.net). At first I didn’t know whether this author
was serious or joking. When the author describes the advantages of a
dog compared to a human male lover, this story reads like one of those
lists from rec.humor about “Why a Cucumber is Better Than a Man.” Then
she introduces the argument that “if God didn't want us to do it with
dogs, he wouldn't have made dogs so interested in sniffing and licking
human females.” That runs basically parallel to the Natural Law
argument against contraception used by the leader of a major modern
religion. Is she serious? Is the pope Catholic? Do dogs sniff women
when they are in heat? {That last question presents a real grammatical
dilemma.}
The author covers the full range of doggie sex. One of the nicest
things about allowing a dog to lick your snatch, she points out, is
that most male dogs will spend much more time than a human male
providing you with the most electrifying oral sex. Dogs are also more
prone to analingus than most guys. The oral pathway is a two-way road;
‘tis blessed to give as well as receive oral sex with Rover. The
author’s extensive research with doctors and veterinarians has revealed
that “a dogs cock is three times cleaner that a mans cock. A dog will
spend considerable time every day cleaning it, how many men do you know
that do that?” No similar data are available on dogs’ ANAL channels;
but as long as you can ignore the flies, I don’t see the problem. The
main negative effect appears to be a complete absence of apostrophes in
the writing of the doggie cocksucker.
If you decide to have vaginal sex with Rover, the author recommends a
missionary position with the female “siting on the edge of a chair” -
although the clitoris may receive better agitation with a doggie-style
approach. There are special considerations for anal doggie sex. For
example, you may not always be successful with achieving penetration
and if you do you may wind up with his knot inside you. As I
understand it, that could mean either a very long anal session or you
could have to answer the doorbell with a dog stuck to your ass if your
mother or the paper boy happens to call within the next 15-45 minutes.
I’m sure someone can write a story about that experience.
Although this article did more to arouse my mirth than to turn me on
sexually, I have to admit that this author may have something here. If
a person has a docile dog who is willing to serve as a living dildo,
why not? The natural question, of course, is “Will this really work?”
My honest answer is I don’t know. I don’t have a dog. I do however,
own some fish; and from what I can observe, the natural lip motion of a
fish might make it an even better lover than a dog. In addition, a
fish is much like a man, since it seems to be talking all the time, but
nothing intelligible ever comes out. And I really do like the idea of
doing it in the water.
Ratings for “A Girl's Guide To Sex With Dogs”
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
“Morning Rush” by Unknown Author (ocean@iafrica.com). I don’t like the
advertisements and especially the wannafucks that clutter up the
postings in this newsgroup. The exception occurs when a person writes
a good story and attaches at the end an appeal to subscribe to his
service. I’ll grant this author a related exception. The “story” is
basically a wannafuck from a guy to any interested females. He
describes in sensuous detail a ride in the morning rush hour during
which he brings his lover to orgasm while she drives the car. Then he
concludes with a plea for interested ladies in the audience to send him
their thoughts. The story is not going to make my Top Fifteen list;
but aside from some grammatical anomalies, it’s pretty good. It beats
the hell out of posts whose title lines say “hot for sex??? Try chokin
my chicken” or “bimale likes being told what to do.”
Ratings for “Morning Rush”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Jasmine and the Purple Panties” by Huntsman (kender@ozemail.com.au).
Jasmine is a teenager who goes to a garage sale and buys a pair of Papa
Petrofile's Pregnancy Promoting Purple Panties. . . Patent Pending.
She wears them, and she begins virginally pregnant, which turns on
Billy, another teenager who has lusted after Jasmine from afar. It
turns out that Papa Petrofile's Pregnancy Promoting Purple Panties make
their owner horny as well as pregnant. I probably shouldn’t tell you
this, because it may spoil part of the ending; but after Billy screws
Jasmine, she gives birth after about a 48-hour gestation period to a
very mature baby that’s already pregnant. It’s not really clear how
all this happens - it’s just magic, I guess. I thought this was mostly
silly; but it did have a kind of odd fascination. Actually, as I
prepare to teach my current unit on English literature, I notice that
Beowulf has equally silly notions in it. But Beowulf reflects the
religious and cultural ethos of Medieval British Culture;. Papa
Petrofile's Pregnancy Promoting Purple Panties would fit more
appropriately in a bad Canterbury Tale.
Ratings for “Jasmine and the Purple Panties”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
“Consuming Passion” by PleaseCain (pleasecain@aol.com). This a bizarre
story. A really bizarre story. The guy lures women to his treehouse,
where they expect to have passionate sex with him. Then he devours
them - literally. But then he meets his match. You’ll have to read
the story to believe it. Parts of this story were very hot and sexy,
but other parts were interesting because they were so unusual. If you
want a more normal story by the same author, try the next one.
Ratings for “Consuming Passion”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* “Doorjam” by PleaseCain (pleasecain@aol.com). This story about a man
picking up a prostitute held my rapt attention from the moment I
started until I had read the last line. It's not romantic; it's not
exactly a turn-on; but it certainly is a good sex story.
Ratings for “Doorjam”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Cinderella” by Seafire. There are several approaches one could take to
writing a version of “Cinderella with an attitude.” For example,
consider the following dialogue:
“I can’t have sex with you. My stepmother says I can’t have sex until
both of my stepsisters are married.”
“Fuck your stepmother! Fuck your stepsisters! I want to make love to
you tonight.”
And so they fucked her stepmother and fucked her stepsisters and then
made love to each other and lived happily ever after.
Or maybe this one:
“What ELSE can you do with a glass slipper!?”
But the present story takes a more conservative approach. Since she is
their slave anyway, the stepsisters decide to put her to a more
practical use than merely doing the dishes and scrubbing the floors;
they make her Cinderella into their sextoy. The twin bitches pierce
Cinderella's pert little nipples and her inner labia and insert
horseshoe rings and other adornments. They also make her wear a butt
plug all the time; and they make her do all manner of lewd things to
them. Being an obedient and resourceful girl (also known as a good
victim), Cinderella comes to love what they do to her. She even learns
to use her anal sphincter to milk her butt plug in and out until she
can make herself orgasm. The stepmother, of course, joined in the
festivities, often dressed in her bright red body suit, and
occasionally urinating on Cinderella during her obscene activities.
As you may have suspected, the Prince, who is famous for his balls,
holds a Great Party, to which the stepmother and stepsisters are
invited, while Cinderella is scheduled to stay home and scrub floors
and masturbate. Of course, the fairy godmother comes, dresses
Cinderella up, is so overcome by the young girl’s beauty that she gives
her a tongue job; which causes Cinderella to come for the first time
that evening. As a final touch she changes the mundane, ordinary butt
plug into a beautiful crystal plug with a scarlet plume. This is not
to be confused with Papa Petrofile's Purple Pucker Plug . . . Patent
Pending, which is a completely different story.
When Cinderella arrives at the ball, she is fit to fuck, because the
coachman has been cracking the whip all the way, and that has really
turned her on. Actually, I added that part.
Anyway, Cinderella becomes so engrossed with the Prince’s cock that she
ignores the clock; and midnight comes shortly after she does, and so
she has to go rather abruptly. I won’t ruin the ending for you.
Suffice it to say that it is not a glass slipper that all the maidens
of the land try on in order to establish their claim on the Prince and
his balls .
Did you ever wonder what Cinderella’s father was doing during this
fairy tale? That question continues to go mostly unanswered. In spite
of that omission, this was a most enjoyable story.
Ratings for “Cinderella”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10