Celestial Reviews 116 - Sept 11, 1996
Note: I received the following message this week from a young scholar
over at prodigy.com:
- -
Hi. I am a student doing a reserch paper and phone survey on cruelty to
animals, and as part of this paper I was inquiring about farm animals
being castrted without any painkiller when the farmers elect to do this
themselves without a vet. I used a search tool on the web and found a
note you had written but it was just taken out of context. Have you
ever heard of this and what do you think about it as far as cruelty to
animlals . I think that is a lot meaner than rodeos that the animal
grooups harp aboout all the time what do you think? {Author’s name
withheld, in case his parents follow this newsgroup}
- -
This brings to mind several thoughts.
First, the young man’s concern for animal welfare is commendable.
Second, isn’t it interesting that a search engine would lead this young
scholar to me? Here I am, thinking I am writing about smut; and you
people make references to castration and farm animals that get me
picked up by the Future Veterinarians of America!
Third, an American and an Australian were talking in a bar. The
American discovered that the Australian bloke was by profession a
kangaroo castrator. {My spellcheck doesn’t acknowledge this
occupation. It thinks this guy is a kangaroo castigator, which would
weaken this anecdote considerably.} The American asked the Aussie
bloke, “How does one castrate a kangaroo?” {Note how well I am doing
the national dialects here!} The Aussie replied, “‘snot really ‘ard,
mate. Ya put ‘em up on two large blocks o’ wood so that ‘is balls ‘ang
down. Then ya get two large bricks and wham ‘em togetter right where
the balls ‘ang down.” The American was aghast: “Omigod! That sounds
brutal! Doesn’t that hurt?” To which the Aussie replied, “Not if ya
move your fingers fast enough, mate.”
Fourth, I don’t suppose I should reply to this young researcher. He’s
almost certainly underage; and the preceding paragraph is the extent of
my knowledge on the topic. If he really wants my answer, he’ll find it
when he does his next search with those same keywords.
Second Note: Readers constantly ask me where to find the stories that I
review. One of the best sources of good stories is the web site at
http://proffa.cc.tut.fi/~k113973/, which posts my list of the Top
Stories of 1995, plus the original reviews of those 100 stories, plus
the stories themselves. I myself do NOT have any direct role in that
web site. I appreciate that person’s efforts, and I cooperate with
him; but it’s entirely his operation.
I do not supply a mailing list or a home page. If anyone wants to
offer this service, it’s OK with me. I am not interested in making
money. This is a hobby for me. All I want is proper credit.
Here are some other strategies for using my lists and reviews in order
to find good stories. {There are numerous other ways to find stories.
The following paragraphs are devoted to ways for making best use of MY
lists and reviews.}
Your best bet for good stories is to use my Top 15 Stories for each
month. Each month I list what I consider to be the best stories that I
reviewed in my Celestial Reviews that month. In a typical month I
review 80-90 stories, and this list will give you some of the best.
Quality has improved so rapidly over the last year that stories on the
monthly lists are invariably as good as those on the Top 100 List for
1995. If you have trouble finding these reviews, use the Deja News
search engine and enter the keywords “Celeste’s Stories
alt.sex.stories.” That will give you several lists, depending on how
far back the search goes {I think the default value is something like
45 days, which would be two months}.
I post my Celestial Reviews each Wednesday and Saturday (or
thereabouts) on alt.sex.stories. {It may seem stupid to state this
here in an issue of Celestial Reviews, but I suspect that this message
will be reposted elsewhere. So be patient or skip this paragraph.} In
these reviews I review a larger number of stories - some good and some
not so good. I rate each story, and select my Top Stories of each
month from this list. The advantage to checking the individual reviews
is that you can find stories that are good but which did not make the
Top 15 list. Since your judgment may differ from mine, you may find
stories that are even more enjoyable than those on the Top 15 lists.
If you have trouble finding these reviews, use the Deja News search
engine and enter the keywords “Celestial Reviews alt.sex.stories.”
That will probably give you 10 to 15 issues, which will give you
reviews of over a hundred stories.
One you find a story you like, you can find it by using the Deja News
search engine and entering the keywords “Name of Story
alt.sex.stories.” Of course you should enter two or three main words
from the title instead of “Name of Story.” It’s a good idea to enter
“alt.sex.stories” as a keyword, because that narrows the search
considerably. I have achieved nearly 100% accuracy at obtaining RECENT
stories through the Deja News search engine. Note that Deja News
searches ONLY for complete words - which means consecutive strings of
letters without spaces. That means that if you enter “Celeste,” the
search will not find “Celeste’s Top 15” or “Celestial Reviews,” unless
those words appear somewhere in the article. If you enter two words,
the computer will look for articles that contain BOTH words anywhere in
the article.
Incidentally, once you find a story you like, you can do an Author
Profile search on Deja News to find other stories by the same author.
The service at www.reference.com works in much the same way. I just
personally prefer Deja News.
Finally, it’s a good idea to look for stories by specific authors whom
you enjoy. In my FAQ I list a large number of good authors. You can
find my most current FAQ through the Deja News search engine by
entering the keywords “Celestial FAQ alt.sex.stories.” Then enter the
name of the author you want into the Deja News search - or find one
story by that author and do an Author Profile search.
In my FAQ I also list a large number of web sites and other services
(such as the Backdrop club) that will enable you to find specific
stories or stories by specific authors.
I hope this is helpful.
- Celeste
“Rain Sings a Sad Song” by Mary Anne Mohanraj
(romance) 10, 9, 9
“Home Improvement” by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 8. 8
“Highway Patrol” by Ann Douglas (ff sex with a cop)
9, 8, 8
“Coffee?” by Mark Aster (sexual tension) 10, 8, 8
“John's Fantasy” by DJ (spouse watching) 10, 10, 10
“American As...” by Deidre Ng (patriotic sex) 10, 10, 10
“Skin on Skin on Skin” by Backrub (hot threesome)
10, 10, 10
* ”Raped Teen Burglar” by TEX (rape) 10, 10, 10
“Catalyst” by Mark (voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has recently
been reposted).
“Rain Sings a Sad Song” by Mary Anne Mohanraj
(moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). This is not a really sexy story; it’s more
romantic or poignant than sexy. This story is so mainstream that it
could be published in Redbook; heck, it could be published in Good
Housekeeping! And I mean that in a good way! It’s about two people
who had been lovers and who meet near a lake after he has left his
current lover behind for the night. They spend the rainy night
together. The night together is probably necessary or inevitable, but
it doesn’t change or solve anything.
Ratings for “Rain Sings a Sad Song”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“Home Improvement: Do Not Go Gentle” by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Jonathan and Zachary play the roles of
the two older kids on “Home Improvement.” Shooting has been canceled
for the day because Tim (the star) and Taron (the other kid) got
injured and had to go to the hospital when Taron tried to hit Tim
across the knee with a real board that the other kids had convinced
Taron was a phony board and Tim had dropped onto Taron a belt sander
which he was not holding very securely because of a burn he had
suffered on the job. There! That should demonstrate the importance of
using several short, clear sentences in place of one long sentence. If
the preceding wasn’t clear, don’t worry. It wasn’t important anyway:
it was just a setup, so that Jon and Zach can visit Pat (the female
lead) in her dressing room and have sex with her.
The mischievous lads’ basic theory is that since they’re probably going
to be fired from the show anyway, they’ll rape Pat and then have the
producers pay them off so they won’t tell the tabloids they did it.
American children are so creative! More precisely, Pat will come out
of her dressing room and notice that nobody else is there, but she will
assume that it is a surprise party or a bloopers out-take and will just
hop into the bed when the guys ask her to do so. This is so crazy it
just might work! But they’ll probably have to tie her up.
Ratings for “Home Improvement”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Highway Patrol” by Ann Douglas (annd55@nyc.pipeline.com). Angela
Foster is a beautiful American television star - her network’s answer
to Pamela What’s-her-name of Baywatch. Upset at her agent, she is
speeding down the highway, when she sees the flashing lights of a
police car in her rear-view mirror. She decides to outrun the cop in
her agent’s shiny yellow Viper, but a second officer eventually blocks
the road. She figures she’ll have to give a couple of blow jobs to get
out of this tight spot, but then she discovers that both officers are
females. The fact that the officers sarcastically refer to her
television show as “Babes in Blue” combines with her maximum speed of
165 mph during the chase to give Angela a pessimistic prediction of the
disposition of her case. Things look even worse when they find cocaine
in the glove compartment.
Through brief but resourceful negotiations, Angela gets out of trouble
by having sex with one of the officers while the other watches. The
sex is hot and vivid; and the fact that Angela is a stuck-up, snotty
bitch adds to the enjoyment.
Ratings for “Highway Patrol”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Coffee?” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). Sirens blare in the
background! Fireworks explode! Confetti and brightly colored balloons
waft gently to the ground. This is the 1000th story I have reviewed!!!
Actually, that’s probably not quite true. I have reviewed several
stories more than once; and some stories have multiple parts and are
difficult to count. What is true is that this story is labeled record
number 1000 in the database with which I keep track of the stories I
review. The recipient gets 31 days of sexual bliss with the partner(s)
of his/her choice - starting now.
It is fitting that this honor should fall to Mark Aster, who is one of
my favorite authors. Indeed, the odds were that it would fall to
either him or Deirdre, since together they account for 19.5% of all the
stories I have reviewed. This author usually writes in the first
person about a fictitious relationship with the lovely but lewd and
lascivious Allen sisters and some of their acquaintances. In the
current story the author again speaks in the first person, but it’s not
obvious that this story is in any way related to the others. If this
story is told from the perspective of the narrator of most of the other
Allen Sister stories, then it must be earlier in the sequence - before
he began his intimate relationship with Pat and Julie. Taken alone,
this story is a description of a hot but unfulfilling mini-relationship
between a guy and a girl he meets in the laundromat. The man obviously
wants to get to know the woman better and flirts with her - I suppose
offering to let her use his shower and massaging her toes afterwards
constitutes flirting; but she is wearing a wedding ring and walks away
from any potential relationship. Of course, in subsequent weeks it may
become obvious that this is an integral part of a more complex story -
which would enhance its value greatly. One of this author’s major
strengths is that although his stories are often very hot sexually, he
takes the time to develop aspects of the story that are not obviously
related to sex - that is, they are related to sexuality, but the
connection is not immediately obvious to the reader. This indirect
approach to sex often makes the explicit sex even sexier.
In short, this story ties with Mark’s best in style with a perfect 10.
{Actually, I think 10 is the ONLY rating he has ever received for
style.} However, its ratings of 8 for content and appeal to author are
both below the author’s average of 9.86 for content and 9.83 for appeal
to me. Mark has done much better than this; my own favorites among his
stories include “Heat,” “Do You Want It?”, “Rain,” and “Library of
Congress.” A particular favorite of mine is “Buckets of Cum.” My
fondness for that story arises partly from the fact that I had often
stated a distaste for “buckets of cum” and “wannafuck” stories; and
then this author posted a story with that title to which I had to give
perfect ratings!
Ratings for “Coffee?”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“John's Fantasy” by DJ (103666.3074@compuserve.com). {DJ is the Artist
Formerly Known as DJ810. In the future, I shall refer to this author
as DJ, unless the name is changed again - in which case I shall then
refer to this author as the Artist Formerly Known as DJ.}
Dana and her husband John are at a party, where she overhears the most
handsome man she has ever seen say that he doesn’t believe there are
any real masochists in the world. He says he has never known a man that
could transform pain into sexual pleasure, but he has known women who
have accepted it because they loved their tormentors more than they
hated the pain. He also adds that he doesn’t believe there are any
husbands that enjoy seeing or knowing that their wife is with another
man. There’s a third popular conception in which he doesn’t believe,
but he declines to mention that one in mixed company.
So here’s the setup. Dana loves John (as the scenes after the party
amply demonstrate). John’s Great Fantasy entails Dana having sex with
another man. Dana would like to do it with the Handsome Guy, which
would fulfill John’s fantasy; but the Handsome Guy specifically denies
that John (if he exists) would really like this. Dana makes a date
with the Handsome Guy; and when she tries to wiggle out of it, John
encourages her to keep the date. She keeps the date. You’ll have to
read the story to see what happens next.
I see Rene Descartes somewhere behind this story, but it’s kind of hard
to explain. Also, although I think it’s possible to build up a
“natural law” argument against the morality or psychological soundness
of masochism, wife-swapping, and the unnamed third sin, it’s patently
absurd to say that there are no people who enjoy these activities.
That would be like arguing that none of Pavlov’s dogs salivated at the
sound of bells or metronomes or whatever. It would be possible to
argue that people who enjoy these behaviors are confused or that they
“shouldn’t” do these things; but the obvious fact is that these people
do exist. To argue that these people don’t exist is about as silly as
to suggest that _everybody_ enjoys pain or wife swapping - which, of
course, is the idea behind most of the bdsm and wife-watching stories
posted with this newsgroup. Hmmmm....
Ratings for “John's Fantasy”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“American As...” by Deidre Ng (patriotic sex). Sirens blare in the
background! Fireworks explode! Confetti and brightly colored balloons
waft gently to the ground. No; this is NOT again the 1000th story I
have reviewed; this time the pyrotechnics, etc., are part of the story.
Deidre Ng has become an American citizen! To celebrate, she and her
sister and their boyfriends do something uniquely American - they go to
Chinatown.
This is a hilariously sexy story. It’s possible, of course, that the
author is not trying to be funny or sexy - that she may merely be
relating the events that filled an important evening in the life of a
Chinese-Canadian woman celebrating her enfranchisement and standing
topless in the ladies’ restroom yelling sexual innuendoes at her
equally untopped but more outspoken sister. Serves ‘em right - those
sweaters were like fashion foreplay anyway.
Or, as David put it
"I mean you look really sexy in that outfit."
"So sexy you have to fuck me even before I can take it off?"
"Overpoweringly sexy."
"Now that I'm a citizen, don't I get a vote on the subject?"
"You'll have to hold an erection to vote on that."
"Planning on stuffing the ballot box, are you?"
I constantly tell my students to find a main idea and to stick to it.
This delightful story proves that I don’t know what I am talking about.
Ratings for “American As...”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Skin on Skin on Skin” by Backrub (BCKRUB@aol.com). It all starts when
Stevie is playing a simple game of strip poker with her boyfriend Brad.
His roommate John comes home right after Stevie has lost her last
remnant of clothing; and what else could they do? They engage in very
hot threeway sex that I found to be very enjoyable reading.
Is this what we’re paying good money for when we send our kids to
college!?! Well, I guess that’s OK - as long as they also study real
hard and write home about their activities in sufficient, delectable
detail.
Ratings for “Skin on Skin on Skin”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Raped Teen Burglar" by TEX. I recently mentioned this story as an
example of a VALID way that one author could use and transform the
writing of another author. Some people disagreed with me; and I am
happy that the story has been reposted, so that you can form your own
opinion.
Several months ago a writer who called himself the Bashful Pervert
recently posted a message in which he severely lambasted TEX as a self-
righteous asshole who couldn't distinguish between fantasy and reality.
TEX’s literary crime was that he had taken a story posted by someone
else and had added an "ending" that gave the story an entirely
different impact. My own opinion of "Raped Teen Burglar" is that TEX's
revision is one of the most literate and realistic stories that have
ever appeared on a.s.s.
In the original story, a young man catches a teenage girl burglarizing
his apartment; and as a "punishment" he has a good ole time with her.
The original story ends with an assertion by the rapist that he'll be
boinking her on a regular basis from now on. TEX's part of the story
begins with "Or so he thought!" and continues with the arrest of the
rapist and his subsequent gang-rape in prison. TEX's part of the story
could stand on its own as a good story; but what makes it beautiful is
the contrast to the original half. TEX uses almost the exact words of
the original author, but he turns them against the rapist rather than
the teenage girl. In addition, TEX turns the inarticulate driveling of
the original author into a literate presentation of graphic details.
TEX is simultaneously engaging in satire and naturalism. (Maybe he's
John Steinbeck reincarnated - living in a literary commune in Sulfur
Springs.) The term "naturalism" refers to the idea of presenting a
story in graphic detail so that real life comes across as "more real"
than it really is. That definition will get you a C- (That's
pronounced C minus. It has nothing to do with a programming language.)
in most college courses; but I got it from an excellent professor (with
whom I did not have sex), and I like it. We've had other examples of
naturalism on this newsgroup, and some of them have been well written
(e.g., Dafney DeWitt's "Spare Change"). I see nothing wrong with
authors writing from this perspective.
The Bashful Pervert was particularly upset because the theme of the
original story brought back memories of a lover with whom he had played
out a 'burglar gets caught and raped' fantasy." He had told her that
he had the story, and she was very excited to read it, saying that that
scene was the hottest netsex that she had ever had. Because of TEX's
perverse distortion of the story, the Bashful Pervert now felt he had
to tell her that "some fuckhead who couldn't distinguish fantasy from
reality had found it necessary to ruin the story." Chill out, Mr.
Pervert. No such radical step is necessary. Just clip off TEX's
ending of the story and you'll have exactly what the original author
wrote. Ship the original story to your friend, and she'll never be any
the wiser. If she complains that the story has an unrealistic ending,
that's the original author's fault.
After I wrote the preceding paragraph, I found another posting on
a.s.s. from somebody named Escamilio, agreeing with the Bashful
Pervert: "'TEX' is a total self-righteous asshole. And how come 'TEX'
considers it OK to brutally rape a male prisoner but not to rape a
female criminal? 'All out of proportion' indeed!" I think the irony
here is fabulous. TEX has never suggested that raping a male prisoner
is OK; all he has done is put the two sets of events back to back.
What is happening is that people who think it would be fun and games to
rape a teenager suddenly find themselves betrayed when they find their
"hero" getting raped himself - "when they had been set up to look for
more fun and games." The fault, dear Perverts, is in the eyes of the
reader, not in the words of the author.
Incidentally, I do believe that TEX engages in a bit of a Pollyanna
ending when he says the girl grew up to be a normally happy, well-
adjusted adult. But so what? Some of the most popular stories on
a.s.s. do a similar Pollyanna routine when they present adults fucking
children or people becoming sex slaves with absolutely no ill effects
on anyone's personality. Chill out. It's just a string of words.
If TEX is a self-righteous asshole, I wish more SRA's would handle
their self-righteousness the way he has. He has not demanded that
a.s.s. be shut down. Quite the contrary, he has joined us and chosen
to fight us on our own terms. What he has done is to say: "This story
was unrealistic. Here's the full story. Now see how you like it!"
These two readers did not like it at all. The reason. Why, because
some SRA has had the nerve to point out that turning an unconvicted
thief into a lifelong sex slave may not be all the fun that it's
cracked up to be! That's a far step from those SRA's who want to close
us down.
Using my current rating system, I would have rated the original story
5, 8, 1. It was very badly written; but it did represent a good
attempt at the typical “burglar gets caught and raped” theme. On the
other hand, I disliked it because it came across to me as
extraordinarily simplistic. TEX's revision gets straight 10's. I DO
think that TEX became excessively moralistic at the very end of the
story; but I am going to forgive him for that. (Maybe he wants to
publish the story in his church bulletin and he was afraid that the
little old ladies of the congregation would be shocked if he wasn't
really explicit about the moral of his story.) The Bashful Pervert's
reaction shows me that TEX has accomplished his goal; TEX has taken
almost the exact words and plot of the original author and has
fiendishly turned it around to achieve an entirely different effect.
I was drawn to review this story the second time by the Bashful
Pervert's flame of TEX in a.s.s. It annoys me to see an author
denounced as an asshole or fuckhead simply because he has posted a
story at variance with the critic's own value system. I am used to
such flames from the Real Assholes and Fuckheads (the people who want
to close down sex stories on the Internet), but I would hope that we of
all people would show a larger degree of courtesy to people whose
values differ from our own. TEX apparently has the "personality
deficit" of disliking exploitive sexual activities. Instead of flaming
the original author or demanding that our newsgroup be abolished and
all its readers consigned to eternal damnation, he has responded by
writing us a damned good story. I think we should thank him for that.
From the plagiarism perspective, I think TEX has performed admirably.
What he has written is actually a combination of a sequel and a parody.
As such, it is meaningless without the original story; and so he gives
us the first story, clearly indicates when it ends, and then adds his
own story to that. In his own part he uses very many of the same words
and ideas as the original author, but he makes “minor” changes that
give the story an entirely different impact. He HAS to do this if he
wants to accomplish his task of overturning the ideas of the original
writer. This is far different from what someone did to Randu’s “Double
Trouble.” TEX has confronted and contradicted an author’s ideas; the
anonymous reviser of “Double Trouble” has simply stolen another
author’s work.
I have re-reviewed this story largely because it fits in with the
plagiarism discussion. But I want to reiterate that I think it is an
excellent story in its own right.
Ratings for "Raped Teen Burglar"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Catalyst” by Mark (MarkB@aboy.demon.co.uk). All the other stories in
this issue were written by “regulars” - people whose stories I have
reviewed before. In many cases the authors were kind enough to send
the stories to me for my convenience. And a fine bunch of stories they
are! I remember seeing this one in the postings; but I decided to skip
it, because I already had too many stories to read. Then a reader
clipped it and sent it to me with his recommendation. I want to thank
that reader. This is an excellent story by an author I have never read
before.
In chemistry class we learned that a catalyst is a substance, usually
used in small amounts relative to the reactants, that modifies and
increases the rate of a reaction without itself being consumed in the
process. Through metaphor, the term also refers to a person who
precipitates a process or event, especially without being involved in
or changed by the consequences. That’s the role of this story’s
narrator, who observes a freshman girl at a party lusting after the
hunk across the room. The narrator has two problems: (1) to bring the
two together so that they can fulfill their mutual urges and (2) to do
so in such a way as to be able to watch their hot interaction. I’d
tell you more, but it will be more fun for you to find out the rest for
yourself.
The author is posting these as part of an “Alphabet Series.” I plan to
look for more stories in this series.
Ratings for "Catalyst"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10