Celestial Reviews 48 - Dec 23, 1995
Note: I am going to take a vacation from writing my reviews during the
holiday season. I'll post on December 23, but the next issue will be
on January 3. In between those dates I'll post no new reviews, but I
will post my list of TOP 100 STORIES OF 1995. I'll also repost reviews
of all those stories.
Second Note: The proofreading service is in full operation. IF YOU
WANT FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK BEFORE POSTING A STORY, contact me, and
I'll match you up with one of the reviewers. Remember: you're not
admitting to being a "bad writer" by asking for a proofreader.
Everyone can benefit from having someone to help with their work. For
that matter, if anyone wants to look over Celestial Reviews before I
post them, I would appreciate the help - but I would need a really fast
turnaround time. If others are interested in offering their services
as proofreaders, please contact me.
- Celeste
"Neighbor2" by Deirdre (I'm not sure) 8
"Neighbor3" by Deirdre (whipping) 7
"Niece" by Deirdre (ff sex) 9
"Christmas Presents" by Anonymous (transgender) 10
"Piggy and Thong" by Casual K9 (exhibitionism &
voyeurism) 8
"Stephanie Between the Stars" by Stephanie (transgender)
8
"The Fortieth Floor" by Asshmuck (utopian sex) 10
"Hester" by Friar Dave (oral sex) 10
"Dear Sir Stephen" by Catholic Guilt (bdsm) 8
"A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded
(masturbation) 2
"Barfly" by Dys (bar pickup) 10
"A New Friend" by Anonymous (ff sex, threesome, &
voyeurism) 9
I get two conflicting sorts of comments from readers regarding my
reviews of Deirdre's stories: (1) Thank you for reviewing so many of
Deirdre's stories, and (2) Why do you review so many of Deirdre's
stories? I review so many because someone has graciously sent me
advanced copies and has offered to repost the stories synchronized with
my reviews. I am not giving Deirdre an unfair advantage. I try to do
the same for any author with an established reputation who sends me the
stories in advance. It's just that Deirdre is somewhat more prolific
than most authors and her stories are short and easy to read in one
sitting. That plus she has somehow made me her sex slave. I didn't
know that was possible through mere electronic, verbal intercourse.
"Neighbor2" by Deirdre. Brenda is the sexy neighbor. Lauren is her
sexy daughter. One day the Guy who tells the story happens to look at
Brenda as she drives away and Lauren insightfully suggests that the Guy
might like to fuck Brenda. She promises to make all the arrangements.
He forgets about the conversation, but one day Lauren invites him to a
motel. When the Guy arrives, Lauren is seated outside a motel room and
explains that she has told Brenda that a rich guy (other than Our Guy)
would like to fuck her blindfolded and in handcuffs. Brenda, who would
presumably not have sex with Our Guy if she were simply asked to do so,
has agreed to this plan of action. The Guy enters the room, and
everything is as Lauren described.
Now at this point, stop and think. What are the chances that Our Guy
is going to enter the motel room, fuck Brenda, and then happily go on
with his life?
If you guessed that something kinky was going to happen, you were
right. The camcorder that I forgot to tell you about would have been a
good clue. Anyway, all this kinky stuff improves the Guy's and his
wife's sex life - and, as they say, no harm no foul! This was a
strange story! (Rating: 8)
"Neighbor3" by Deirdre. "I had this vision of discovering an amazing
thing about my neighbors." Thus spake Deirdre in her prologue. Now I
want you to understand that I have the greatest respect for Deirdre.
However, I also have a vague fear that she may be MY neighbor. And I
want to stress that I don't really think that Deirdre is a pervert.
After all, if we look at Alfred Hitchcock, Sherwood Anderson, and Edgar
Alan Poe, at least one of them was pretty much a sane, stable member of
society. Nevertheless, when I read this prologue, I couldn't help
anticipating that Deirdre was going to discover something a little more
shocking than that her neighbors were aliens who used their basement to
sell Tupperware to Jehovah's Witnesses.
Actually, I was a bit disappointed. What these people do, they do in
the privacy of their backyard, surrounded by a big, high fence. Why do
you think people have those fences, and what do you think we call them
privacy fences? I've seen kinkier neighbors in over half of Deirdre's
stories. I think this one would have benefited from some aliens or
some Tupperware or even some Jehovah's Witnesses. Nevertheless, this
was an excellent review, and I still respect Deirdre. (Rating: 7)
"Niece" by Deirdre. "Doesn't it affect you to see someone like
that?... Don't you ever think of having sex with her?... Good, I'll ask
her!" It's conversations like this between niece and aunt that make
aunts yearn for the good ole days when discussions of sex with
adolescents was taboo! Nevertheless, Deirdre is back in form here -
interesting twists and surprises in the plot! I was left mildly
disappointed at the ending. I was expecting a few more surprises.
Deirdre or somebody oughta write "Niece2" or "Neighbor4" or "Affect" -
any of which, of course, would be this story with a different ending.
(Rating: 9)
"Christmas Presents" by Anonymous. Ray (Rachel) and Jack (Janice) are
both computer geeks and crossdressers. Neither is gay; but they
discover that when they want to pass as female in public they can
minimize risk of exposure by having one (dressed as a male) date the
other (dressed as a female).
They like one another. As a grammarian, I stated that last sentence
carefully. If there were only two persons, I would have said, "They
like each other." But actually Ray and Jack like each other; Ray and
Janice like each other; and Rachel and Jack like each other. So they
like one another, although only two of them are ever present at any one
time. Isn't grammar wonderful?
As time passes the guys get better at crossdressing and enjoy taking
greater risks. They are even more successful as computer geeks and
become wealthy. At the annual TV dinner (in San Francisco TV does not
stand for television) Jack wins an award as most improved TV while Ray
takes first place in the evening gown event.
Now at this point, the idea hit me: "Wouldn't it be a great plot if....
"; and that was exactly the plot of the rest of the story. I enjoyed
the story even though I thought I knew how it would end. If you want a
clue, read the next paragraph. If you don't want a clue and prefer to
be surprised by this really creative plot, skip the next paragraph.
Clue: Skip this if you want to be surprised. Clue: Think O. Henry.
Further clue: If you haven't guessed it yet, think "Gift of the Magi"!
If you haven't guessed the plot yet, you're not very familiar with
American literature. Read this story; but then you won't be surprised
when you read O. Henry's story. End of clue. You can resume reading
now.
So they make a bet. Each will live as a woman during the following
year, and whoever does the best job (as adjudicated by the TV club)
will win a vast sum of money and will obtain the services of the loser
as a personal maid for a period of one year. For perfectly sensible
reasons that are too complex to discuss here, they cancel the bet but
continue to live and work as women, and Sally (that is, Walter the
doctor) moves in with them as their maid. It would also be too complex
to explain why Ray finds himself as a client at the Institute for the
Amelioration of Gender Dysphoria. And finally comes the surprise
ending.
As I have read TG stories, I have learned that crossdressers have
problems that we more blase people hardly even think about. For
example, if a guy is dressed like a girl in a bar and gets carded, what
does he/she do about the picture and information on the driver's
license? And novice male CD's have problems typing with those long
fingernails. I have also learned that TG stories are often very
creative. I have no urge to become a crossdresser myself or to become
sexually involved with one, but I find the ideas in stories like this
one to be extremely creative - not *sexually* stimulating, but very
creative and *intellectually* stimulating. Although this story could
benefit from a good proofreading, I am going to let its creativity
completely override its grammatical inadequacies and give it a perfect
rating. (Rating: 10)
"Piggy and Thong" by Casual K9. (Casual K9@aol.com) Kathy has a nice-
looking ass that is disproportionate to the rest of her sexy body. She
also has foot-fetish feet, with wrinkled soles, painted nails and
plump, rounded perfection. Add those features to her snorts and
squeals and we get the nickname Fat Ass Kass or Piggy. We'll go with
Piggy, since that's in the title. The plot of the story centers around
Piggy sunning herself at the private pool in a skimpy thong while her
husband goes off to play golf. Each day some scrawny kids come to gawk
at her and she flirts with them and then tells her husband about it in
the evening. This indirect voyeurism turns him on, and they fuck their
heads off each night. Eventually Piggy lets the two boys fuck her
multiple times; and unknown to everyone her husband watches and enjoys
what he sees. The story is clearly written and the orgy scene is
pretty hot. If you're looking for a plot, however, there are no
interesting twists or character development. The only reason for the
sex is because Piggy is a slut and likes it. I guess that's better
than no reason at all. (Rating: 8)
"Stephanie Between the Stars" by Stephanie (an266891@anon.penet.fi).
Stephanie gets bored and heads for Hollywood to put some zest into his
life. That's right, Stephanie is a crossdresser. She starts by giving
the bellboy a blow job for his tip; and the young man graciously
accepts this gratuity in lieu of the customary 15% - hardly losing a
stroke when a cock pops out of the panties of the the beautiful young
woman whose bags he carried. (This would shock a bellboy in Sulfur
Springs or Muncie; but hey, this is Hollywood.) The next day she gets
into the Paramount lot (by giving the security guard a blow job) and
heads for the Star Trek set, where she finds herself sneaking into Kate
Mulgrew's trailer, where Kate is having passionate sex with Nana
Visitor. When they catch her (I mean him - I never know what to call a
person in a TG story!), Stephanie asks the startled women for their
autographs. The movie stars, realizing that autographs hardly
contribute to the plot of a sex story, discover that she is a he and
decide to have sex with him. Well, to make a short story even shorter,
they not only fuck their brains out, but they give Stephanie a
permanent pass and get him a role as an extra! I'm pretty sure this is
story fiction, because my sources tell me that Kate Mulgrew herself is
really a guy. This is an interesting story, but it's not one of
Stephanie's best. I admire Stephanie's stories because of their
interesting twists in the plot. In this case, there are almost as many
surprises in this review as there were in the story! (Rating: 8)
"The Fortieth Floor" by Asshmuck (Dillweeder@aol.com). The most
significant characteristic of the fortieth floor is that the people who
"work" there don't actually do anything except have sex whenever they
want to do so. What kind of place is this? Is this a government job?
Is this where those AOL consultants go when they're not giving advice
to confused a.s.s. users? Is this heaven? You'll have to read the
story and find out. It's a creative story; and I might add that my
description of this as "utopian sex" is not all that far off. (Rating:
10)
"Hester" by Friar Dave. Hester and Dan have a wonderful sex life,
except that she feels bad because she doesn't like to swallow his cum.
One day she returns from a self-improvement retreat with the news that
she has undergone self-hypnosis, and now whenever she hears the word
"honey" she is possessed by an overwhelming horniness that won't
subside until she gulps down a healthy dose of cum. This strategy
works, and pretty soon cum swallowing is her favorite thing - she even
resorts to special herbs that help Dan generate more cum so that she'll
have more to swallow. Indeed, she begins to like his cum so much that
she cancels the keyword - no more "honey," just suck and swallow
whenever she feels turned on. But a problem develops: Dan discovers
that the ONLY type of sex Hester wants is swallowing his cum; he wants
some cuddling and some ordinary sex as well. And he has this pain in
his crotch.
So here we have a paradoxical reversal of the stereotypical sex
problem: the guy is getting too much excellent head and has to figure
out a way to get the woman to cuddle and let him lick her pussy and
whisper sweet nothings from time to time. My personal opinion at this
point was that the mistake was in choosing "honey" for the trigger
word. I would have gone with "Rumpelstiltskin" or "avatar" or some
other incredibly obscure word. Ooops! That wouldn't work. We might
have her going on her rampage while taking the SAT or GRE or while
doing the monthly vocabulary quiz in Readers Digest or listening to a
news report about the finals of the National Spelling Bee. Well,
you'll just have to read the story to see how they resolve this issue.
(Rating: 10)
"Dear Sir Stephen" by Catholic Guilt. The subs (submissives) are in
rebellion against the doms (dominants) throughout America! It's
disgusting! The subs have become aggressive and have begun to initiate
and enjoy sexual activity! They are topping from the bottom! What
will the doms do? Is this the end of Paradise as we know it? Is this
Armageddon? I don't know, but it's an interesting idea. I find it
interesting that my spellcheck acknowledged neither submissives (with
the s) or doms but it did know Armageddon when it say the word. The
reason this gets less than a 10 is because it's not really a full
story. I got this off rec.arts.erotica. Maybe the author will repost
it on a.s.s.; or maybe someone will post guidelines for getting old
stories off r.a.e. (Rating: 8)
"A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded. A month of
so ago one of the readers asked me to review several stories from
rec.arts.erotica. That service, she noted, was coming back to life;
and since the stories there were screened, it seemed likely that they
might be of higher quality than ordinary alt.sex.stories entries.
Enough is enough! This story is about a man riding a nearly empty
train car. There is a woman with a crying baby riding the same car.
When the baby cries to much, the mother opens her double-jointed mouth
and swallows the kid whole. The man finds this incredibly erotic and
masturbates while it happens.
This story reminds me of some of my own really interesting dreams.
When I used to awaken at 2:00 a.m. I used to think, "Wow! What a neat
dream!" The next morning I would vaguely recall the dream and say to
myself, "I wish I could remember that really great dream." My husband
suggested that in order to avoid additional losses to posterity, I
should keep a notepad by the bed. Two nights later I had another
Really Great Dream. In the semi-asleep state that accompanied my
return from the bathroom, I wrote a few lines to remind myself of the
dream. The next morning I brought the notepad to the breakfast table
at eagerly read what I had written. It was nonsense; but it did serve
to remind me of the entire dream. The dream was also nonsense. It was
a really dumb dream that seemed interesting because I was too sleepy to
be critical. I think this kind of dream experience is fairly
universal. But I don't think these dreams are interesting enough to
write down and post as stories for others to read. (Rating: 2)
"Barfly" by Dys (dramis@cts.com). "Like a little company? "Why? You
got one to sell? The guy is trying to pick up a beautiful woman in a
bar. Lines like that might make my heart melt, but this lady is a
veteran. But the guy is successful, and they leave together to retire
to more private quarters. To impress her, he takes her to the company
suite at an expensive hotel. For a story that begins with such a
tawdry pickup line, this is a surprisingly hot and creative story.
(Rating: 10)
"A New Friend" by Anonymous (lisabent@aol.com). The woman is longing
to find someone to videotape her and her boyfriend having sex. As good
fortune would have it, a beautiful woman makes passionate love to her
in the shower at the fitness center; and so she enlists this lady as
her video technician for the evening's festivities. Debbie carries out
her role to perfection; and fortunately the VCR has a tripod and an
automatic function that enables Debbie to join the action. When John
later goes to work, the woman invites Dawn over for a visit, and the
three ladies enjoy popcorn while they watch the tape. At this point, I
said to myself, this sounds just like a porn movie, except that they
don't have a two-headed dildo. I spoke too soon. Debbie carried one
in her purse and the three frolicked with it while they finished the
video and all three came in a simultaneous climax. As I have
suggested, this story has about as much plot as a typical porn movie;
but hey! it's a GOOD porn movie! (Rating: 9)
SPECIAL BONUS: REVIEW OF A SCIENTIFIC SEX REVIEW!
I cannot resist a slight digression. I realize that sophisticated
Internet wizards routinely cast aspersions on the intellectual naivete
of AOL users; but let me point out a major advantage of AOL for a.s.s.
We have access to Scientific American Online, which in the January 1996
issue reviews several books that deal with the topic of sex.
According to Scientific American, researchers Baker and Bellis (whose
names are strangely reminiscent of a couple of MTV cartoon disk
jockeys) have reported that female orgasm plays an important role in
competition for sperm during both current and future copulatory
activities. Alt.sex.stories verifies this theory at least fifty times
a day - not counting wannafucks.
The same researchers support their own Kamikaze Sperm Hypothesis with
research by R. A. Beatty showing that some bulls sire substantially
more calves than others when their sperm is mixed with that from other
bulls. Beatty found, however, that bulls that perform well in sperm
competition also perform well in its absence. Alt.sex.stories offers
anecdotal information to support this theory with human beings;
however, when we on a.s.s. use non-human animals, we are more likely to
employ dogs or wolves - and perhaps an occasional ferret. ("Trouser
snake" and "pussy" have purely metaphorical meanings.) It is worth
noting that at least some of the a.s.s. stories involving non-human
animals are described as "true." (Stories involving inhuman as opposed
to non-human sexual activity are also fairly common on a.s.s.) No bull
for us on a.s.s.!
The author of the review (a chap with the improbable name of Peter D.
Sozou of the department of biology at Birkbeck College, University of
London - I'm pretty sure it's really Dr. Suess) considers the ideas of
Baker and Bellis to be "provocative"; but nearly all the stories I have
reviewed in the past six months are at least equally provocative.
Indeed, Baker and Bellis have hardly paid any attention at all to the
obvious relevance of handcuffs and whips. Anal penetration of virgin
inmates in prisons would seem especially pertinent to the Kamikaze
Hypothesis. All this and more is covered almost daily in a.s.s.
A serious problem with the B&B research is that literally all their
work has been done with men with diminutive sex organs compared to
those prevalent on a.s.s. Their women are practically virgins - many
of them having sex even less than once a day. Where do they FIND
people like this? Certainly not on a.s.s., where the average penis is
nine inches in length and the women take it up the ass more frequently
than the B&B folks get it at all. B&B have apparently never even heard
of mind control!
Paul R. Abramson and Steven D. Pinkerton offer somewhat more useful
insights in "With Pleasure." Their central argument is that sex is for
pleasure, not procreation, because it is usually pleasure that provides
the motivating force for human sexual activity. (They apparently got
paid for finding this out!) The reviewer points out that this line of
reasoning, of course, would seem to lead to the tautological conclusion
that the purpose of any action is to satisfy the motivation for
carrying it out; but we on a.s.s function well in a tautological world.
I think Abe and Pinky may have plagiarized some of their findings. For
example, we learn that among the Mangaians of Polynesia "a 'good' man
is able to bring his partner to climax two or three times for every one
of his. The Sambia of Papua New Guinea have practiced ritualized
fellatio, believing that "the ingestion of older men's semen is
essential to masculine development." I'm pretty sure I have read these
"conclusions" as plots in a.s.s. stories within the past few months.
Either these guys are inserting our stories into their results or
Abramson and Pinkerton are the real-life names of Backrub and someone I
have not yet fully identified. These researchers should check out
Sue's "Cocktail Table" or Estragon's "War Games" for some really
interesting rituals.
On the brighter side, Abramson and Pinkerton offer an impassioned
defense of pornography, arguing that it represents a moral
counterculture and hence deserves the same protection as the scientific
thoughts of Galileo and Darwin. <Hear! Hear!> This would put critics
of porno stories in a class with, say, Samuel Johnson or at least Andy
Rooney. They claim that opponents of pornography have "a shared
opposition to nonprocreative sexuality." That's putting it mildly.
Finally, Merideth (Tutu) Small elaborates on her fascination with
primate and human sexuality in "What's Love Got to Do With It?" She
argues that women are just as motivated as men to have sex and are just
as promiscuous by nature. They PAY these people to do this research,
and here I am reviewing these stories for FREE!
Anyway, I thought you might enjoy these scientific tidbits. I sent
this review to Scientific American, but they declined to publish it.
However, since I submitted it, I've noticed a few new wannafuck authors
in the past week on a.s.s., and I suspect these are Sci Am editors
lurking with the authentic cultural elite. In addition, that Hot Coed
Who Will Fuck Anybody says she has received an interesting series of e-
mail messages from Birkbeck College, University of London