Celestial Reviews 32 - Oct 28, 1995

Note:  I sincerely appreciate the e-mail I receive from readers.  
Please understand that I would like to respond individually and in 
detail to everyone, but my time limitations often prohibit this.  I 
hope you will accept my column as my response to your communications.  
It seems to me that people are enjoying my writing, and that makes me 
feel good.

Second Note:  While I am continuing the Reviews (and the Tips), I have 
also started a series of occasional postings of Dear Grammar Goddess.  
I hope you look for these postings and enjoy them.

   - Celeste

      "Curiosity" by Javahead (strip club & lap dancing) 9
      "The Marcia Clarke Story" by Suzyn (celebrity sex) 7
      "Daughter" by Deirdre (anal sex) 8.5
      "Daydream" by Deirdre (voyeurism & fantasy) 8
      "Deal" by Deirdre (voyeurism & anal sex) 10
      "Always Daddy's Girl" by Jon Lewiston (sensitive
            father/daughter sex) 10 

"Curiosity" by Javahead (an217242@anon.penet.fi).  The man takes his 
wife to a strip club and they befriend a dancer named Kitty Delight. 
(This was just her stage name, of course; her real name was Tutu 
Small).  The wife becomes interested; and one day she surprises him by 
joining the cast of dancers.  She does well; but she dances mostly for 
him, and they have great sex afterwards.

One nice thing about this story is that it explained the ground rules 
for lap dancing:  The dancer does not touch the client with her hands - 
and he lets *her* make all the contact. If he were to put his hands 
anywhere but her waist, the bouncers would escort him out. As long as 
she's in control, and it's a *dance*, it's legal. If he gets to use 
*his* hands, or she uses *hers* too close to his crotch, the bar gets 
shut down for the night and she gets hauled in for prostitution. Makes 
sense.  I thought when my daughter told me she was taking up lap 
dancing it had something to do with her track team.  Oh, well; live and 
learn. (Rating: 9)

"The Marcia Clarke Story" by Suzyn (qprozacq@aol.com).  This story came 
to me from a person purporting to be a high school student, with a 
query asking whether I was actually her journalism teacher.  As we all 
know, there are no teenagers even lurking (much less writing) on this 
newsgroup.  I am writing my review in the form of a response to that 
author.

Dear Suzyn:

As you well know, high school students are not allowed on a.s.s.  They 
are considered to be too young to know about or understand grammar and 
the other matters covered by this newsgroup.  Since you obviously do 
understand these things, I'll assume you are an adult masquerading as a 
teenager (possibly that venerable person who posts the biweekly message 
"High School Girl Wants durty Talk!")

I'm not worried that you might be a Fed, because I am not going to 
propose anything very interesting to you anyway.

If you really want to know whether I'm actually Mrs. S., your 
journalism teacher, just watch her when she masturbates.  If she goes 
three strokes with the left and then one with her right, that's 
definitely not me.

Another way to check whether I'm Mrs. S. is to listen when she makes 
love to the principal in the copier room.  If she calls him by his 
right name, this is not me, since I don't know his name.  (Note: She 
might get the name right by accident.  This is known as "getting 
lucky.")  If she hollers EIEIO when climaxing, this is definitely not 
me - it's Mrs. McDonald, whose husband has a farm.

As for the story itself, I enjoyed it.  However, you really should have 
run it through a spellcheck.  Also, you should have someone else 
(perhaps Mrs. S. when she's not engaged in an orgy) read your material 
before you post it.  You yourself are too close to the story; when 
there's a mistake, you tend to see what you *thought* you wrote instead 
of what you actually wrote.  It's a good idea to do this with all your 
writing for publication, not just sex stories.  If you cannot confide 
in Mrs. S. or find anyone else willing to read it (as would be the case 
if you were writing a term paper on "The Great Gatsby"), then you 
should set the manuscript aside for several days and then proofread it 
yourself before submitting it.

I may have been mistaken, but it seemed to me that you made more 
grammatical and spelling errors when you got to the hot parts of your 
story.  I assume that this is part of the charade that you are a high 
school student, rather than a more sophisticated person like Mrs. S. or 
myself, who can spit out good grammar even in the throes of ecstasy.

I liked your story's attention to Marcia's home life and her 
relationship with her daughter.  I think it would be possible to 
develop the transitions to the sex scene a little better or to have a 
little more balance between domestic life and sex life. Or something.  
Maybe another reader will give you some better advice in this regard.

Finally, isn't it scary how accurate your story has turned out? I mean, 
according to the tabloids, Marcia and Chris really do like each other.  
I hear they're planning to double with OJ and Nicole - oops! Wrong 
newsgroup.  That's rec.humor.   (Rating: 7)

"Daughter" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  The daughter asks her 
mother if it would be OK to have anal sex with her fiance.  The mother 
is shocked and says that no decent woman would do that.  Does that mean 
that there is no anal sex in this story?  Yeah, right!  How does the 
mother become convinced to change her mind?  Read the story and find 
out.  (Rating: 8.5)

"Daydream" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  A middle-aged woman 
watches a college guy paint her neighbor's house.  She daydreams about 
what it would be like to be his little college girlfriend.  There's no 
real sex in this story; but the fantasy is pretty hot.  (Rating: 8)

"Deal" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  The disconsolate man has 
been forced to watch his wife try on some clothes.  The saleslady walks 
up to him and says quietly, "Do you mind if I make a try for her?  
Please?  I'll make it worth your while."  The man assures the saleslady 
that his wife is not interested in sex with women, but he agrees to let 
her try.  Will she succeed?  Of course, she will; otherwise there would 
be no story.  And how will the saleslady make it worthwhile for all of 
us?  (Rating: 10)

"Always Daddy's Girl" by Jon Lewiston (berylg@teleport.com).  This is 
an exceptionally well written story.  A young girl has been kept from 
seeing her father by the mother who dumped him.  The mother is 
essentially a bad parent, who runs around a lot with several 
boyfriends, and generally tries to poison the daughter's mind against 
her father.  When the father finally gets the daughter (age 12) to stay 
with him for a prolonged time, he finds himself having a sexual 
relationship with her. The sex is not the leering type of incest story 
that often appears in the a.s.s. postings,  but rather a description of 
a sensitive and mature relationship.  If I didn't have an inherent bias 
against pedophile/incest stories, I would have said to myself that this 
is the way things should be.  I *do* have such a bias, and I still 
wasn't upset by this story.  

I firmly believe that if in real life you are having sexual relations 
with your children or if as a child this happened to you, you should 
seek professional help.  The problem with a good story like this is 
that it gives a loophole for people who are involved in a less-than-
idea relationship to ignore the possibility of exploitation and to 
rationalize that they are just like the characters in this story.  
Nothing bad happened to these people, they say, and so nothing bad will 
happen to us.  Remember: the main reason nothing bad happens to the 
people in this story is because the author could act like God and write 
the story that way.  All of this is not to say that this kind of story 
should be suppressed; I am merely urging you to distinguish between 
fantasy and real life.  

Society needs its laws and there are good reasons to discourage and 
even prohibit fathers from bedding their daughters.  That's because 
most parents in such relationships in real life are abusing their power 
over their children, and such stories usually have unhappy endings in 
real life.  In the world of fiction, however, we can suspend reality 
and believe that it really is possible for policemen to chase criminals 
at high speeds along the sidewalks of major cities without hurting 
anyone.  We don't even give a thought to the notion that some of the 
people John Wayne or Arnold Schwarznager kill would have children who 
would miss them.  We can believe that it is possible to pull a pin out 
of a hand grenade with one's teeth and throw the projectile accurately 
fifty yards, destroying the enemy soldiers who could not slay that 
thrower with their obviously more powerful automatic weapons.  We can 
even believe that Shoeless Joe Jackson can come back to life to play 
baseball on a field of dreams in Iowa.  We can believe that demons can 
possess beautiful women on soap operas, while people around them are 
losing their memories and changing their personalities and engaging in 
serial polygamy at the drop of a dildo. If we can suspend reality 
enough to believe and enjoy all this, then surely we can without pangs 
of conscience enjoy a sensitive description of a relationship built 
upon what is normally taboo in real life.  (Rating: 10)

TIP OF THE WEEK:  In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of 
the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on alt 
sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from time 
to time.  My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, about 
95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be 
eliminated.  (The other 5% will eventually be covered in Advanced 
Celestial Grammar.)  I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF 
THE {something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from 
the sober serious business at hand.  This issue's Tip is a 
clarification of a previous Tip.  I wasn't as specific as I should have 
been, and a helpful reader pointed this out to me.  (I was probably 
high on life when I wrote the original.)

SEMICOLONS.  Simply stated, a semicolon is a super-comma.  One of its 
main uses is to separate parts of the sentence that already contain 
commas.

      Exciting example: "While she continued to drive him crazy by 
fondling his balls with her free hand, she began to suck on his cock, 
until he came in a wild explosion of excitement; and then he began to 
turn his own attention to her clitoris, which he had neglected until 
then."

Using a comma instead of a semicolon in this example would be 
confusing, because each half of the sentence already contains commas.  
A good author might instead just insert a period and omit the "and," 
especially if she is concerned about skipping a period.

In addition, a semicolon can be used in place of a period to join two 
sentences.  In such cases, it often replaces "and," {"and" plus a 
comma}.  The following are all correct - at least grammatically, 
although the order may sometimes be reversed socially:

      I licked her pussy.  Then she sucked my cock.
      I licked her pussy, and then she sucked my cock.
      I licked her pussy; then she sucked my cock.

In the actual context of a story, each of these sentences might convey 
a slightly different meaning.  For example, the third sentence suggests 
that the two activities were more intimately connected than the first 
(because the author put the two ideas in a single sentence).  Of 
course, the sentences would also be better if they were in iambic 
pentameter.

(See Dear Grammar Goddess for more!)