Celestial Reviews 31 - Oct 25, 1995
Note: It has amazed me that lately I have been receiving more e-mail
about my Tips of the Week than about the reviews. So while I am
continuing the Reviews (and the Tips), I am starting today a series of
occasional postings of Dear Grammar Goddess. I hope you can find these
postings and enjoy them.
- Celeste
"Upstairs" by Rajah Dodger (mild D&s) 10
"My Sexy Sister-in-Law" by Anonymous (voyeurism
& oral sex) 7
"Convention" by Deirdre (bondage & anal sex) 10
"Cousin" by Deirdre (mild ff dom) 9
"Cozy" by Deirdre (anal sex and light D&s) 9
"Sticky Afternoon" by Rajah Dodger (foot fetish) 10
"The Damn Beeper" by Cindy (romance) 8
"My Leggy Neighbor" by Jaemee (shoe fetish) 8.5
*Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted).
"Upstairs" by Rajah Dodger (an179705@anon.penet.fi). The man is alone
at the bar, his wife out of town. The beautiful woman on the stool
next to him invites him to her house to listen to some records. She
eventually invites him upstairs, where she traps him into some
domination and submission toys and engages in really hot sex with him.
Although I usually find violent D&s stories to be repulsive, I enjoyed
this one. The difference is that (1) the guy deserves to be trapped
(he's fooling around on his wife!) and (2) the woman is inflicting on
the man things that they will both enjoy. All she's really doing is
taking away his choice.
Of course, in the real world the chances of getting this lucky with the
D&S specialist on the next barstool are really remote; but this is a
fantasy. A final note to husbands of wonderful wives (including
husbands of a.s.s. reviewers): In real life women like this finish by
cutting your balls off and shoving them down your throat. If they
don't, your wife will. And remember "Fatal Attraction"! (Rating: 10)
"My Sexy Sister-in-Law" by Anonymous (an176577@anon.penet.fi). The
narrator of this story is a voyeur. He shares this secret with his
sister-in-law, who voyeurizes with him. In spite of their joint
escapades, they agree not to have sex. However, this restriction
apparently applies only to vaginal penetration. A lot of the sex is
pretty tame; but it's also kind of refreshing. One good sequence
occurs when they lie in beds in separate rooms with his wife gone and
talk about their childhood sex experiences. It's really pretty hot
stuff - considering their bodies are ten feet apart.
This story contains genuine sex education from a camp counselor. For
example, Ellen tells about one girl who asked the counselor about blow
jobs and if they could make a girl have a baby if she swallowed it.
The counselor said no, but that was something special. She told the
girls they should only do that with a guy if he would lick them between
the legs. She said that was the most fun and it was called eating a
pie. Boys wouldn't do that unless the girls told them they would give
the boys a blow job if they ate their pie. This is either pragmatic
sex education or a short course in negotiation or marketing strategy.
I don't think camp counselors are certified or anything. They're
mostly unemployed English teachers who need summer work. (Rating: 7)
"Convention" by Deirdre () A guy and his female colleague are taking a
break from a convention by spending some time on the beach. Two
bodybuilder guys and their girlfriends come by and do the sexual
equivalent of kicking sand in their faces. True to Deirdre's style,
the action gets hot and heavy in a surrealistic way. The only question
I had at the end of the story was how much would you tip the maid if
you left in your room a woman tied spread-eagle to the bed? The author
had some problems with the various tenses of "lie" and "lay," but these
will be the topic of next issue's Tip of the Week. (Rating: 10)
"Cousin" by Deirdre (). At a family reunion two female cousins share a
bedroom. The younger cousin comes on sexually to the more introverted,
less sexually sophisticated, older cousin. It's a simple story, but
hot and interesting. (Rating: 9)
"Cozy" by Deirdre (). A guy is living with his fiancee and her mother.
His old girlfriend comes to town; he meets her for dinner; and has anal
sex with her in the bathroom at the restaurant. The girlfriend asks if
she can stay the night, and so he brings her home and introduces her to
the rest of the gang. The girlfriend somehow gets his fiancee to give
the guy better sex than he has ever had from her before, and he gets
even better sex from his attractive future mother-in-law. Then the
girlfriend takes off with his fiancee, and the guy is left with his
fiancee's mother; but he really has no gripe, because his only problem
is that he has to have hot sex with her so often. Go figure! I've
told you the whole plot; but if you're still unclear about what's going
on, that's because I am too. It's hard to explain; the descriptions of
the sexual activity are not vivid and it's not really clear why
anything is happening, but it's still a very erotic story. (Rating: 9)
"Sticky Afternoon" by Rajah Dodger (an179705@anon.penet.fi). In the
list preceding the reviews I labeled this a "foot fetish" story. I did
so for two reasons: (1) That's what the author himself claimed it was.
(2) Nobody would have read this review if I would have labeled it
"gerontological sex." Yup! Here we have two old codgers going at it
like spring chickens. Whoda thunk it!? It's a story about nice quiet
sex that starts when two people have a conversation on a bus, progress
to a foot massage, and then do what comes naturally. You know, until
now I've just been worrying about my daughters being corrupted by this
world of cybersex. You don't think my mother.... (Rating: 9)
"The Damn Beeper" by Cindy (CynTil8Ing@aol.com). The beeper signals to
the woman that her busy day is not yet over. But then she recognizes
the number and eagerly returns the call and makes arrangements for a
quiet evening with her one true love. This is Cindy's first story, and
it's a good start. If I had to offer her some advice, I would suggest
trying to build the anticipation a little better. But this is already
a pretty good story! (Rating: 8)
"My Leggy Neighbor" by Jaemee (an407944@anon.penet.fi). This author
and I are never going to make it together in the sack. We clash too
much on shoes. He has a fetish for women who wear shoes and related
garments that I think range from uncomfortable to grotesque. Having
purged myself of my negative emotions, I'll add that this is a pretty
good story. After all, if I can be objective about pedophiles and
sadistic rapists, I surely oughta be able to handle a story about a guy
with the hots on a woman who normally wears a pair of classic dress
pumps with a 2 1/2" to 3" heel, but occasionally a pair of open-toe
slings. As my daughter said a couple of years ago, "Grody to the max!"
So this guy is taking care of this woman's cat while she's away, when
he sees some of her shoes and related clothing. He tries on Linda's
shoes and some of her lingerie; but then she comes home unexpectedly
and catches him in the act. To keep her from squealing to his wife, he
agrees to do anything she says. They have sex every which way they
can; the poor guy has to put up with three orgasms.
All kidding aside, this is a pretty good story. My only objection is
to the kind of shoes and clothing; and that's clearly a matter of
preference. This story has one of the most courteous first-time anal
penetrations that I have ever read. Guys should read and memorize this
part if they ever hope to get into their lover's asshole. I would have
liked to have seen the action a little faster at times and a little
more anticipation at others; but I'm glad this author sent this story
to me. (Rating: 8.5)
TIP OF THE WEEK: In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of
the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on alt
sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from time
to time. My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, about
95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be
eliminated. I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF THE
{something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from the
sober serious business at hand. Here is this issue's Tip:
**SOME FREQUENTLY MISUSED WORDS**.
TO/TWO/TOO. *Two* is the number of persons most frequently present in
a meaningful sexual encounter. *TOO* means also, as in "I'd like to
fuck you too." *To* is a preposition, which means it comes at the
beginning of a prepositional phrase, as in "We went to the store" or
before a verb, as in "I want to fuck you."
USE/USED. People get *used* to doing things. Likewise, Johnny *used*
to fuck Janie. *USE* is a present tense, as in the song, "Use me,
abuse me...."
(See Dear Grammar Goddess for more!)