Celestial Reviews 28 - Oct 14, 1995

Note:  I posted these reviews on October 14, and it just occurred to me today 
(Oct 16) that I have not yet seen them on AOL.  Pretty weak service!  If you 
have already seen these reviews, I apologize.  I figure it's better to post 
them twice than to risk not at all.

We have a generally good bunch of stories this week; and - if I must say so 
myself, I wax eloquent with allusions ranging from the first grade primer to 
Samuel Johnson to Johnny Cash.  Since I'm feeling feisty, I even throw in a 
discussion of restrictive phrases in this issue's Tip of the Week. Enjoy!

   - Celeste

      "Cabin" by Deirdre (Hypnotism and sex) 8
      "Checkup" by Deirdre (Physical examination) 6
      "Chest" by Deirdre (Breast fetish) 6
      "Tell Me a Story" by smoot2 (fantasy plus live sex) 10
      "Fun with Dick and Jane" by Sue (Group sex ed) 10
      "A Toast to Friends" by Mr. Bill (Light bondage &
            voyeurism) 10
      "The Surprise" by A Sensitive Man (Mild D&s and anal
           sex) 6
      "Night Moves" by Javahead (Rape) 10
      *"Anna" by Michelle Lurker (Boy becomes girl) 10
      *"Lessons in Lust" by Kid Dynamite (non-brutal D&s) 10

       * = repost of a previous review (because the story 
              has been recently reposted).

"Cabin" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  Most of Deirdre's story 
have a surrealistic tenor; but in this case there's a specific reason 
for this dreamlike atmosphere.  The woman and her husband rent a 
lakeside cabin, and they join the other happy campers for a party.  
Somebody suggests that they play games, and they get hypnotized.  Sure 
enough, they find themselves doing sexual things they would never have 
expected themselves to do.  (Rating: 8)

"Checkup" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  A woman goes for a 
physical checkup at a new place of employment, and the nurse 
practitioner and the rest of the medical crew have their jollies during 
the examination.  A lot is left to the imagination in this story.  
Also, I think it lacked realism; no nurse practitioner would be dumb 
enough to do what this one did in this age of sexual harassment 
lawsuits.  (Rating: 6)

"Chest" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).  A woman working in an 
office is the target of constant put-downs from a coworker who has well 
endowed breasts.  The woman with the mammaries eventually turns the 
lady with the little tits into a sex slave by letting her lick her big 
breasts as a reward for services rendered.  This was kinda lame for a 
Deirdre story.  I think it must be a forgery - actually written by 
Francis Bacon or William Shakespeare.  (Rating: 5)

"Tell Me a Story" by smoot2 (smoot2@ix.netcom.com).  After a session of 
good sex, a woman asks her lover to tell her a story.  He responds with 
an erotic tale.  While she listens, she brings him and herself to an 
even better orgasm.  Ummm!    Tell me another story!  I could handle 
about 1001 Nights of This.

This story is by the author of "Lyrical Fantasy," which I reviewed in 
CR 27.  That story, I said, was a good story that was ruined by faulty 
proofreading and bad formatting.  I added that if this author ironed 
the kinks out of his writing, his work would be in a class with the 
writings of Deidre and Tammy Ng - which is a pretty good class.  See!  
I was right!  This is a wonderful story.

I would like to take credit for this improvement, but unless smoot2 and 
I did some time traveling or mental telepathy, he did this on his own.  
However, my point is still valid: the main difference between this 
story and the author's previous attempt is that this one is presented 
better.  It's not that the author's exceptional creativity is 
unimportant - it's just that by cleaning up his final draft of this 
story he lets us see what he really has to say.  With "Lyrical Fantasy" 
I was constantly distracted by the way the story was presented to me; 
in this story there still were grammar mistakes, but I skipped right 
past them and was distracted only by a warm, moist feeling in my pussy.  
I like this kind of distraction much better. (Rating: 10) 

"Fun with Dick and Jane" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com) As we left Sue last 
week at the end of "Gee Spot Run," Sue had used her erotic fiction as a 
basis to enrich the fantasy life and masturbation abilities of a 
repressed housewife.  As our story resumes in this sequel, Sue has been 
invited to Jane's house for dinner, where she meets her husband Dick 
and a stuffy friend of theirs named Charles.  When Jane blurts out that 
Sue is a writer of erotica, the men scoff at Sue.  They think she is 
merely a Barbara Cartland type.  Sue rises to the challenge and offers 
to read one of her stories out loud, with the agreement that its 
quality will be measured by Charles's peter meter, which at the time 
was easily hidden beneath the napkin on his lap.

So Sue read from "Louvre Love."  Actually, this was a bad choice, since 
(as we all know) this particular story received a modest rating of 7.5 
in Celestial Reviews, whereas most of Sue's stories are 10's.  I think 
"Here Cums Santa" or "To Serve and Protect" would have been better 
choices.  Perhaps Sue made this choice deliberately, to avoid straining 
Charles's gauge, which probably wasn't capable of registering a 10.  To 
make a long story short, the story works; but alas, Dick dislikes 
perversion and refers to Sue as a cunning temptress.  (Had I been 
there, of course, he would have referred to me as a cunning linguist.  
But I think either epithet would fit Sue accurately.)  Jane defends her 
friend's reputation, and soon tendrils of pleasure are racing around 
Sue's body while Charles begins to fuck her and Jane observes 
unobtrusively.

Enough!  You'll have to read the story yourself to find out who comes 
how often and where and whether Dick finally overcomes his inhibitions 
and has fun with Jane.  This is an excellent story, only minimally 
reminiscent of the book of the same title that many of usread when we 
were in the first grade.  

This story (combined with this review) will be especially useful for 
cunning linguists or for students whose teachers require them to look 
up and use a word a day.  I mean, in addition to ribald sex, this story 
is full of tendrils, epithets, and ogling - as well as a vivid 
reference to the Louvre - which, of course, is located near the Champs 
Elysee. (Rating: 10)

"A Toast to Friends" by Mr. Bill (wpheckel@pgh.nauticom.net).  This 
story was posted twice in rapid succession.  I recommend the reposted 
version, because the author made subtle but important improvements that 
add to the enjoyment of the story.  This is a tale about a woman who is 
reunited with her old boyfriend and reclines to enjoy a movie with him.  
Suddenly she finds herself tied up, blindfolded, and in the midst of 
fantastic sex with him - or is she?  Read the story to find out!  
(Rating: 10)

"The Surprise" by A Sensitive Man (kessler@phl.net).  This is a story 
about a yuppie insurance salesman named Prince, who has an attractive 
wife whom he regards as his beautiful, personal possession.  She likes 
being his possession, and it thrills her greatly to do anything to 
please him.  One of the things he likes to do is inflict pain on her.  
She likes this pain, because its lingering effects make her realize 
what a great guy he was to hurt her like that.  "She loved him so. He 
would never press her pain limits. Her Prince was firm but never 
cruel."

The title refers not to any surprising event, but rather to a wonderful 
present.  Actually, there are two surprises.  The first is an ass plug, 
which Prince presents to Alexa at the restaurant, so that she can 
insert it into her freshly paddled ass and wear it for the first time 
in public.  Thus, it serves as another reminder of how much she loves 
her Prince.  Also, it is an important step in overcoming her childish 
inhibitions.  Having a plug in her ass at the restaurant makes her a 
fuller woman.

In addition, Prince gives his future wife a second surprise - a strap-
on dildo with which she can fuck *his* ass.  She is thrilled with the 
present, and dresses up like a punk rock singer to minister to Prince's 
virgin asshole.  They engage in some surprisingly (to me, that is) 
tender foreplay, and Alexa treats Prince pretty much like he usually 
treats her while she works the dildo into his asshole.  She brings him 
to probably the best orgasm of his life.  Partly as a reward for giving 
him this orgasm and partly as a punishment for wearing lip gloss on her 
ass without asking for permission, Prince immediately thereafter beats 
Alexa severely with a whip.  This makes her ass red, which makes her 
very beautiful.  This punishment makes Alexa happy, but that gets 
Prince upset (because only he is supposed to be happy over her 
punishment); and so he beats her more severely, which only gives her 
more pleasure.  It makes her sad that she's not making him happy; and I 
suppose her sadness makes him happy - but then his happiness over her 
sadness would give pleasure to Alexa.  Oh dear!  This is more complex 
than I thought!

After the beatings, he kisses her gently and whispers how sorry he is to have 
had to punish her. He tells her what a good girl she was to take her 
punishment so bravely.  Then they fall happily asleep in each other's arms.

I'm pretty sure I got the description right.  It sounds kinda goofy to 
me, but I understand a lot of people take this stuff seriously.  I've 
been told by perfectly sane people that pain can be really pleasurable.  
I can't inflict physical pain on the author, but as a reward for this 
story, I'll risk inflicting a little psychological pain in the form of 
a few irreverent remarks before I conclude this review.

Irreverent question: Wouldn't it be better for Prince to insert a 
referee's whistle up Alexa's ass instead of a butt plug?  That way, 
whenever she farted *everybody* would know how much Prince loved her.  
The whistle would have fit the title better, especially if they would 
have ordered beans for dinner.  I mean, talk about a surprise!  Or 
maybe a harmonica - Yeah, she could play music by the Artist Formerly 
Known as Prince on it.  Ooops!  I'm losing my objectivity.

Another question: If the author wants me to take this story seriously, 
shouldn't he give the protagonist a name other than Prince?  I don't 
know how others feel; but even if this were a true story about a guy 
named Prince - and Prince is a fine name - I think for purposes of the 
story I would change the name to Bill, or George - anything but Prince 
or Sue!

The title and its association with sex bring back memories from my 
college days.  {I hesitate to tell this story, because it might offend 
lexicographers, and god knows they already suffer enough.  But what's 
the chance that there would be any such drudges lurking on this 
newsgroup?)  The story that I heard from my English literature 
professor was that Samuel Johnson's wife came home unexpectedly one 
afternoon and found the Great Lexicographer fucking the bejesus out of 
a young woman.  "Samuel," huffed Mrs. J., "I'm surprised!"  "No, my 
dear," replied Dr. J.  "*I'm* surprised.  You're *astonished*."  (That 
was the punch line.  If you are not currently overcome with laughter, 
go back four lines and reread.)  I didn't realize it when I first heard 
this story, but Samuel Johnson was (in more ways than one, perhaps) a 
cunning linguist - a trait claimed by a veritable plethora of a.s.s. 
readers.

In conclusion, the main reason Prince loves Alexa is because she is 
docile and beautiful.  I can identify with the beautiful part, but 
docility is just not part of my personality; and thank god my husband 
prefers beauty to docility.  I'm told that lots of real-life feminists 
get high on being docile and submissive during lovemaking; and I think 
I can understand this.  However, there is no evidence of any strength 
of personality in this story; Alexa is presented simply as an insipid 
wallflower.  This isn't my kind of fantasy, but if it's yours - c'est 
la vie. La dolce vita! Semper ubi sub ubi!  (Rating: 6)

"Night Moves" by Javahead (an217242@anon.penet.fi).  A man stealthily 
enters the chamber of a sleeping woman.  He removes his clothing and 
then slides into bed beside her.  When the startled woman awakens and 
tries to resist, he forces himself on her. Javahead writes in a clear 
style that conveys action concisely but intensely.    A rape story has 
to be pretty good to make me enjoy it; and I enjoyed this one. (Rating: 
10)

*"Anna" by Michelle D. Lurker.  This was a truly delightful story.  I 
don't want to tell you too much about it, because the enjoyment lies in 
finding out what's going to happen next.  Basically, a young man is 
living with a young woman who is his friend but not his lover.  The 
relationship is strained, and both are confused.  One day she is 
granted a magic wish, and she wishes that something would happen to 
make their relationship better.  Poof!  He becomes an extremely 
attractive woman, and the plot begins to thicken.  Don't miss it!  
(Rating: 10)

*"Lessons in Lust" by Kid Dynamite.  In the past, when I have reviewed D&s 
stories, I have been unable to understand the point of the stories.  Why would 
anyone want to undergo degradation and humiliation in order to achieve a 
sexually submissive status?  An analogy that I have used is this: if it's a 
bad idea for slave owners to beat people in order to make them pick cotton 
more efficiently, why is it a good idea to torture women (or men) in order to 
make them better sexual playthings?

This story gave me a different insight into D&s.  It's about a college-age 
girl who is staying with her wealthy aunt and cousin and is being trained by 
them in the arts of lust.  The "punishments" in this story consist not of 
whippings and electrical shocks (as in some other stories of this genre), but 
rather sexual "punishments," such as being brought to an orgasm under 
embarrassing circumstances or being required to reveal shameful thoughts to 
the mistress.  In a certain sense these events are not really "punishments" - 
they feel bad only because they are associated with a sense of shame, and 
(according to the philosophy upon which the story is based) this sense of 
shame is false and should be abolished.

This is the first D&s story that has ever explained to me the meaning of the 
word "slut."  Here is that the mistress in this story says about the slut:  
"The slut is a perfect creature.  She is strong, free, self-possessed, and 
satisfied.  The struggle inside you is the struggle between 'bad' and 'hot', 
is it not?  These things all seem so 'bad'.  You've probably said to yourself 
'I'm a bad girl,' or 'I can't believe how bad I am.'  Well, it's true.  You 
are a bad girl, Lisa. These things are all 'bad'.  So why do you do them?  
Because they're 'hot.' Bad equals hot, for you, doesn't it?  You secretly long 
to be oh, so bad, because you feel it hit you right here.... "The slut is the 
woman who knows it's bad, but wants it anyway.  Needs it.  Longs for it.  The 
heat inside her drives her beyond 'bad girl' and 'good girl', to simply 
'slut'.  The slut is the woman who listens to her instinct.  Who ignores the 
pathetic notion of 'morality'. There is no 'morality', no 'right' or 'wrong'.  
No 'good' or 'bad'. Only one thing - pleasure.  Only pleasure can free you 
from the hopelessly contradictory, confusing, impossible constraints that hold 
us back."

From the perspective expressed in the preceding paragraph, the girl receiving 
the "training in lust" is not a complete fool who wants to be degraded, but 
rather a person who is undergoing training that will make her superior to 
others.  I personally don't buy this extreme hedonistic philosophy, but at 
least I can understand it.  What I can especially understand is how sane 
people who lead wholesome lives could derive enjoyment from reading and 
thinking about such experiences. 

Having said all these nice things (at least I meant them to be nice), I also 
have to add that parts of the story still seemed silly to me.  At one point, 
for example, we have Lisa wandering about naked with a banana shoved up her 
cunt and a carrot up her ass, with just the carrot greens sticking out.  
Overall, however, it was a good story.  One of the marks of a good author is 
that he/she can present a story in such a way as to make people who differ 
from those in the story suspend reality and temporarily see life from the 
perspective of the characters in the story.  This author (whose very name 
destroys the serious mood of my review) successfully brought me to the point 
where I could say, "If I were Lisa, I think I would feel just the way she 
feels."  (Rating: 10)

TIP OF THE WEEK:  In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of 
the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on alt 
sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from time 
to time.  My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, about 
95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be 
eliminated.  I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF THE 
{something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from the 
sober serious business at hand.  Here is this issue's Tip:

{This is a moderately advanced topic. I had to teach this topic to my 
students this week, and I got turned on by some of the examples that I 
thought of but couldn't use with my students.  I'll go back to basics 
next week.}

RESTRICTIVE PHRASES AND CLAUSES.  A RESTRICTIVE PHRASE OR CLAUSE is one that 
is so essential to the meaning of the sentence (or clause) that it cannot be 
omitted without substantially changing the meaning of the sentence (or 
clause).  Restrictive phrases and clauses are NOT set off by commas.  In 
general, when we say these phrases and clauses orally, we do not pause when we 
speak them.  On the other hand, NON-RESTRICTIVE PHRASES OR CLAUSES are not 
considered by the writer to be essential to the meaning of the sentence - they 
just add additional information.  Non-restrictive information IS set off by 
commas.  For example,

     "My girlfriend who likes oral sex was with me at the movie."

If the writer punctuates the sentence in this way, he is suggesting that the 
information conveyed by "who likes oral sex" is essential.  The most likely 
explanation is that he has more than one girlfriend, and the one who was with 
him at the movie was the one who likes oral sex.  The same words would have a 
different meaning if they were punctuated like this:

     "My girlfriend, who likes oral sex, was with me at the movie."

This would mean that he has one girl girlfriend (who likes oral sex and was 
with him at the movie).  By putting the words "who likes oral sex" within 
commas the author is saying that they are non-restrictive - that is, they 
don't change the meaning of the sentence; they just add some additional 
meaning.

{Here's why grammarians use the word *restrictive* to describe this use of 
commas.  In the first example, the guy has many girlfriends, and "who likes 
oral sex" *restricts* the reference to a subset - in this case to just one of 
them.  In the second example, the guy has only one girlfriend, and so "who 
likes oral sex" *does not restrict* the reference to a subset.}

I recently read the following comment in the disclaimer at the beginning of a 
story:

     "This is my first story, written from a woman's point of view."

I think the author meant to leave out the comma.  Without the comma, the 
sentence would suggest that the author had written other stories, but none of 
these was written from a woman's point of view.  With the comma, it means that 
this is the first story he ever wrote (or published), and this first story is 
written from a woman's point of view.

Technically, the same logic should be applied even to single words:

     "The woman enjoyed having sex with her dog Ralph."

Without a comma between "dog" and "Ralph," this sentence technically suggests 
that the woman had more than one dog, but her sexual enjoyment with canines 
was restricted to Ralph.  However, lots of good writers ignore this nuance - 
especially if the number of dogs would be clear from the context or if nobody 
would care anyway.  Another good reason to omit the comma with a non-
restrictive word or phrase occurs when the comma would add (rather than 
remove) confusion. For example,

     "In one evening Sharon had sex with Sue, her dog, Ralph, the night 
watchman, Bill, and Ray, her ex-husband."

In this example, it's not obvious whether Ralph is the dog, the night 
watchman, or a separate person.  It would be more obvious that Sharon had 
fucked only four animate beings if the sentence were punctuated like this:

     "In one evening Sharon had sex with Sue, her dog Ralph, the night 
watchman Bill, and Ray, her ex-husband."

Of course, a better solution might be for Sharon to become celibate - or at 
least monogamous.

If you are really alert, you may have noticed that in the review of 
"Fun with Dick and Jane" I was faced with a problem with a restrictive 
phrase.  (Some English teachers have problems with their periods; I 
have problems with my restrictive phrases.  Both my husband and I 
prefer it this way.)  Here is how I decided to punctuate the sentence:

     "Sue had been invited to Jane's house for dinner, where she met 
her husband Dick and a stuffy friend of theirs named Charles."

Since I did not put commas around Dick, I may seem to be suggesting 
that Jane was a bigamist.  Actually, I omitted the commas because the 
sentence would have been awkward.  If I told you that "Sue met Jane's 
husband, Dick, and a friend named Charles," you might have thought that 
Jane's husband and Dick were separate persons.  So that's why I didn't 
put commas around the non-restrictive Dick.  (By the way, as I have 
mentioned several times, my husband's dick is restrictive; and I've 
discovered that he doesn't like it when I put commas around his Dick, 
which is actually named John Thomas.)