Celestial Reviews 15 - August 30, 1995

Note:  My personal experience is that this is a pretty friendly group.  
In view of that fact, I am surprised when I find out how rarely the 
authors of these stories hear from the readers.  The authors really do 
appreciate constructive comments.  I even get thank you notes from 
authors after I post a review that was highly critical of their work.  
My advice is this: if you get an hour's enjoyment (or a roaring orgasm) 
out of a story, consider occasionally e-mailing a note to tell the 
author what you liked or disliked about the story. 

Also, a reader recently commented that he could not find the stories I 
reviewed, because they disappeared from his posting service within 18 
hours.  He suggested that I post the author's e-mail address.  I am 
implementing this suggestion, when I can easily find the addresses.  I 
don't see this as breaking confidentiality, since I am getting the 
address out of the publicly posted story anyway.  Please remember that 
the best way to get the story is from the postings.  (If a thousand 
people read a story and all thousand of them request it directly from 
the author, this would be an unreasonable burden.)  If this new policy 
poses an inconvenience to authors, I would appreciate it if they would 
let me know. 

      "Good Grief" by Sue (surrogate sex) 10
      "Celeste" by Dirty Dawg (romance) 10
      "PLA Tiger II" by Zhong (wartime sex) 8
      "Nice Girl" by Of 2 minds (wife watching) 6
      "Nice Girl" by Of 2 minds (case study of 
            dysfunctional personality) 10
      "An Artist, A Lady, and a Bar" by Sean
            (sex with an artist) 6
      "Wet Dreams" by Backrub (mind control & dreams) 10
      "Lynn" by Dirty Dawg (romance) 10
     *"The Divine Gift" by Wollstonecraft (sex in church!) 8
     *"Tales of the Seeding" by Wollstonecraft (Primitive sex 
           rituals) 10
     *"Louvre Love" by Sue  (Sex & Fantasy in the Louvre) 7.5
      "Campus Crusade" by Sean (sex in public places) 6
      "Kris" by Dirty Dawg (romance) 10


*Indicates a repost of a previous review.  (The story has recently been 
reposted.  If you repost a story, please contact me, and I'll try to 
repost the review.  Readers appreciate this.  Even if you or they 
thoroughly disagree with my review, this practice is likely to be 
helpful to everyone.  IMPORTANT: If you modify a story before you 
repost it - which may be a good idea - please tell me.  I do not have 
time to re-download stories that I think are identical to the ones I 
have already reviewed.  If I know no different, I'll probably just 
repost the old review.)  

"Good Grief" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com).  I often hear the refrain, "All 
those fuckin' stories on a.s.s. are the same!"  Every once in a while, 
I start to believe it and think that I have seen (or read about) 
everything.  Then I run across a story like this to reinforce my belief 
in creativity.  I don't know what I can tell you about this story 
without ruining the plot for you.  The action takes place in a cemetery 
and in a motel shortly after the funeral of the narrator's close 
friend.  The sex is both tender and hot.  You'll just have to read this 
excellent story to find out the details.  (Rating: 10)

"Celeste" by Dirty Dawg (drambo@primenet.com).  From its title I assumed this 
would be a story about a naked naughty nympho teenage cheerleader having 
midair sex with her skydiving coach before landing in a cucumber patch and 
doing the wild thing with the horny St. Bernard dog that was accompanying the 
two nuns who were fucking the brains out of the altar boys behind the barn.  I 
was wrong.  This story is one of the best treatments of human emotions that I 
have read in a long time.  I literally both laughed out loud and wept while I 
read this story.  Then I just felt like cuddling up with my husband, who was 
watching Rambo or some godawful thing on TV.  At first I was upset that this 
story was titled "Celeste," but now I feel honored.  (Rating: 10)

"PLA Tiger II" by Zhong (an113322@anon.penet.fi).  PLA stands for 
People's Liberation Army.  The story is written from the point of view 
of a Chinese soldier who wants to get some peasant pussy before he goes 
off to kick Vietnamese butt.  The author assumes that relatively few 
readers of this story will have strong sympathies with Chinese 
Communist soldiers, and so he presents the guy as pretty much of a 
brute who is exploiting the innocence of the peasant girl.  The 
narrator tells the story in a way that certainly seems "foreign," but I 
don't know enough about Chinese culture to know how accurate this 
portrayal is.  The sex is vivid, but I didn't find it to be especially 
"hot."  This possibly has something to do with my personal dislike for 
exploitive sexual activity.  On the other hand, once I started 
approaching the story as a brief case study instead of looking for a 
hot sex story, I began to enjoy it more.  The author does a 
particularly good job of blending contempt for the girl with the 
soldier's animalistic sexual passion.  I was left with the impression 
that this guy was a misguided asshole, and I hoped he got his brains 
blown out in the ensuing battle.  I think that's just the way the 
author wanted me to feel. (Rating: 8)

"Nice Girl" by Of 2 minds (of2minds@aol.com).  About once a month 
(apparently in relation to phases of the moon or the pitching rotation 
of the Texas Rangers - I'm sure it has nothing to do with PMS), I get 
this wild urge to abandon my role as a sexy English teacher and smut 
critic and move into my other personality as a pop psychologist.  This 
story triggered my psychosis.  Hence the schizophrenic double rating in 
the list preceding these reviews.

If you read this story because you're horny (or want to get that way) 
and need some good action, this is a story about a guy who invites his 
old roommate to spend the night and then wakes up in the middle of the 
night and finds his roomie fucking the brains out of his supposedly 
faithful wife, who is loving every minute of it.  There's a whole genre 
of sex stories that focus on wife watching, and large numbers of 
happily married family men (and a smaller number of equally sane and 
stable women) get off on this sort of thing.  I don't.  If my husband 
were such a weakling that he got his kicks out of watching me do it 
with someone else, I wouldn't respect him. Likewise, I wouldn't respect 
myself if I had such a weak personality that I would marry a guy who 
would be my caretaker until I could get an occasional romp in the sack 
with a real man.  My husband doesn't own me, but we have this deal 
that's based on these things called vows that we take seriously.  My 
personal feelings are so strong that I simply don't turn on to 
fantasies about spouse watching.  (Note that I am not saying *you* are 
wrong to enjoy this genre.  All I'm saying is that this kind of story 
does not appeal as a turn-on to me - and there are a lot of other 
people like me.)  So, if I rate this for its potential as a wife-
watching story designed to turn people on, I'd give it about a 6.  It's 
a decent story of that genre, but I think there's room for improvement.  
(But I hasten to add that a person who is a connoisseur of this genre 
may give this story a different rating.)

This reminds me: A couple of weeks ago I reviewed "The Top Ten Lies of 
Usenet Porn."  I hope that author reposts that exceedingly clever list 
and that others add to it once in a while.  If I recall correctly, one 
of those lies was "When a guy comes upon his best friend fucking his 
wife's brains out, the natural reaction is to either applaud or join 
in." 

<<Aside: What if vast numbers of American teenagers show up in their 
English classrooms this year using the word "genre" correctly during 
the coming school year?  What if *my own* students do so?  Should I be 
proud to have influenced them or upset because they're reading this 
review in the first place?  What if some poor kid turns in a paper 
analyzing "The Great Gatsby" in terms similar to mine, and the teacher 
recognizes the connection?  That would mean they're both reading this 
newsgroup.  Oh, my!>>

So now my alter ego kicks in, and I'll reexamine the story as a brief 
psychological case study.  Although it's obvious to me that about 90% 
of the people reading this newsgroup are looking fore sexual 
titillation, a case study about sexual behavior would still belong on 
a.s.s.  It's actually possible that sexually oriented people are 
willing to think about sex as well as have fun with it.

The woman in this case study has been involved in an abusive 
relationship with her father as a child.  (Note: the "abuse" is badly 
stated by the author - perhaps because he felt uncomfortable with it.  
I think it would have been better to simply remain ambiguous about the 
specific nature of the abuse, but to imply that it had happened.  I 
really doubt that the "abuse" described by the author would lead to 
such a severe dysfunction - unless that abuse were merely the tip of a 
larger iceberg.)  During the intercourse with the roommate she calls 
out her father's name and her husband's name.  What we have now is a 
case study of a dysfunctional person, who is managing to cope pretty 
well with the dysfunction.  I mean, she has this scar on her 
personality, and yet she has managed to lead a pretty normal life under 
the protection or safety provided by her husband, who is also using her 
to meet some needs of his own.  Had this pervert of a roommate not 
shown up, she would have continued her pleasant existence; and even 
after her session with him, it seems possible that she is going to 
return to near normalcy.  Perhaps she has even grown as a result of the 
roommate experience.  I would like to know a little more about the 
woman's background in order to consider this an excellent case study; 
but it's already pretty good.

It seems safe to assume that lots of normal people in real life have 
similar "dysfunctions" but are considered functional because they 
handle them well.  It is also worth noting that certain personality 
disorders can actually become strengths - for example, the maniacal 
preoccupation with specific activities can often be a handicap; but 
such singlemindedness can become a strength under the right 
circumstances.  The trick, as Clint Eastwood says, is to know your 
limitations. An extension of this reasoning is that if it is possible 
that activity like that described in the story is not necessarily 
destructive to personalities and relationships, then a fortiori 
*fantasizing* about such activities would be even less likely to be 
destructive.  

Enough pscyhobabble!  Go figure!  (Rating: 6 as wife watching; 10 as a 
case study.)

"An Artist, A Lady, and a Bar" by Sean (megason@mail.utexas.edu).  This 
is a story about a woman who meets a wonderful sculptor in a bar and 
takes him home with her after he tells her how beautiful she is.  He 
forms a body cast of her and then does wonderful things sexually to her 
body.  He even leaves her a sexy memento.  The descriptions of sexual 
activity in this story are interesting and sometimes creative.  The 
most serious problem with the story is the lack of character 
development.  This story reminds me of a typical modern porn film: 
beautiful people meet in a colorful or exotic environment and then whip 
their clothes off and do the wild thing.  Just as in the porn flicks, 
the guy (who happens to be a wonderful sculptor) has a dick the size of 
a large salami.  I can just hear the woman moaning, "Oh! It's so big.  
Fuck me harder!"  In the movie, of course, the words would not be in 
sequence with the fuckee's lip movements.

This kind of trite, formula-based sex isn't necessary for a good story.   
This author has a really good idea.  I think he/she could have done 
wonderful things with this plot without resorting to the superficial 
storyline.  For example, the huge cock doesn't really add much to the 
story.  The story would be just as sexy and the lovemaking just as 
wonderful if the sculptor would have had a teensy-weensy nine-inch 
cock, like my husband's - before I apply the J-move.

I would urge readers who want to write better (including this author, I 
hope) to compare this story to Sue's "Craftsmanship."  The stories are 
really very similar - a sculptor (or glassblower) demonstrates his 
skills and then integrates these into the lovemaking process.  (How's 
that for making a good fuck sound really blase?)  Sue develops the 
artist's character and gives a rationale for what's happening, whereas 
the current author throws in superficial things like the dinosaur dick.  
Seriously, read both stories, and compare them.  Most readers will 
enjoy Sue's more, even though they may not have analyzed their 
rationale as carefully as I have.  

Writing descriptions of sexual activity is actually pretty easy.  
Making it seem sexy to the reader is the hard part, because this 
requires developing a context that builds anticipation, interest, and 
intensity.  If Sue would have omitted all the character development 
from "Craftsmanship" and just said, "The glassblower fucked me really 
hard with his humongous dick and shot my very wet cunt full of gallons 
of cum," that story would not have been nearly as good as it was.

(Interestingly, my spellcheck - apparently designed by Freud - did not 
recognize the term "humongous dick" in the preceding sentence.  It 
suggested that perhaps I meant "humorous dick."  Spellchecks can't 
really make social commentaries or insult people, can they?  Equally 
interesting is the fact that I have inadvertently accepted the 
computer's suggestion and changed humongous to humorous three times in 
a row! )

I am not trying to embarrass either Sue or the present author.  My 
point is not that the present story is particularly awful, but rather 
that it has potential that has not been developed.  (Rating: 6)

"Wet Dreams" by Backrub (BCKRUB@aol.com).  The protagonist in this 
story has the power to sense out women's dreams and their thoughts that 
occur when their senses are not fully awake.  He is able to have 
wakeful sex with them and yet leave them with the feeling that it was 
all a dream.  (The author doesn't explain how the protagonist prevents 
conception; but that may be expecting too much from an a.s.s. story.)  
The story describes in vivid detail one specific encounter.  Would this 
kind of power be a blessing or a curse?  You read the story and decide.  
The author does a great job of combining a sense of the mysterious and 
the realistic throughout the story.  It's almost like a dream itself.  
Oh, no!  Maybe I'm dreaming right now.  Maybe HE's controlling this 
dream!  You don't think that warm feeling I'm getting in my pussy.... 
(Rating: 10)

"Lynn" by Dirty Dawg (drambo@primenet.com).  No offense to any of the 
other authors, but this is the BEST STORY I have yet reviewed.  If you 
like romance, read it!  (RATING: 10)

*"Tales of the Seeding" by Wollstonecraft.  This is a set of narratives 
from the different perspectives of people who are extremely 
unsophisticated in their sexual knowledge.  We could be dealing with 
cave dwellers, with people on a remote island not yet conquered by 
"civilized people," or with aliens whose sexual accoutrements resemble 
those of humans.  What is fascinating is that the descriptions all 
refer to sex (sometimes in very graphic terms) without ever using 
either the formal (intercourse, vagina, etc.) or informal (fuck, cunt, 
etc.) terminology that we normally encounter in such stories.  The 
author does an amazing job - I caught only one mistake, where the 
author used the word "come" to describe an orgasm.  In addition to 
playing with words, the author does an excellent job of building 
anticipation and creating a mood of mystery.  I loved it.  This is a 
really creative, ingenious story. (Rating: 10)

*"The Divine Gift" by Wollstonecraft.  In this story a sad, neglected 
bride tells the priest in the confessional that her husband has had 
oral and anal sex with her, but will not do it properly, so that she 
can bring forth the children that God desires her to have.  The priest 
locks up the church and solves the problem for her, right there on the 
alter.  This may sound a bit irreverent, but the author does throw in a 
few good prayers.  But, what the hell, we're already dealing with 
pornography; so what's a little sacrilege?

Actually, of course, it is sacrilegious to do what the priest did; but 
I don't find this kind of story to be religiously offensive. I don't 
think it's a good idea for a priest to take a woman from the 
confessional and screw her on the altar, nor do I think it happens very 
often.  On the other hand, I think this makes for a good story.  I 
don't think most priests, ministers, or rabbis act this way; but I 
think it makes for a good story.  (Rating: 8)

*"Louvre Love" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com).  As I started reading this 
story, I was impressed.  I thought Sue was going to pull off a really 
erotic story just on the basis of the art in the Louvre.  The girl 
could look at the guy who's getting a hard-on while looking at a 
painting and start blending her thoughts with his.  I said to myself, 
"I hope she doesn't just have the girl take the guy to the ladies' room 
and give him a blowjob."  Well, they didn't go to the ladies' room; 
they went to an exotic storage room instead.  There's a good porn film 
by Femme (I don't remember the title; and no, I don't watch a lot of 
porn) that contains a sequence of a woman and man in a museum, with the 
woman fantasizing what she'd like to do with the man.  I was hoping 
that Sue would do something similar in this story - bring the 
protagonists to private orgasms right there in the museum on the basis 
of the erotic thoughts they derive from the artwork.  Actually, I'm 
probably the only one who would like my version of the story.  It must 
have something to do with those lonely times in high school when the 
hottest pictures this horny little girl could get my hands on were the 
art paintings with those sensuous gods and goddesses.  (Rating: 7.5)

"Campus Crusade" by Sean (megason@mail.utexas.edu).  The title refers 
not to a religious endeavor, but rather to a loose organization of 
adventuresome couples on a college campus who have sex all over campus 
- bathrooms, study rooms, library desks, elevators, offices, and 
anywhere else they can think of.  The ideas are great, but there needs 
to be a little more development.  And there would be no serious 
objection to adding some punctuation.  (Rating: 6)

"Kris" by Dirty Dawg (drambo@primenet.com).  OK. So I'm a romantic.  
I've been working hard trying to keep from being biased *against* 
stories about topics and attitudes I dislike; but I can't help being 
biased in favor of stories I do like.  This is the third story I read 
by this author in four days, and it's the third good story.  To be 
perfectly honest, if the sex scenes were taken in isolation, they would 
not be all that hot.  But taken in context - as the culmination of a 
hot romance - they are very sexy indeed.  What we have here by a.s.s. 
standards is a guy with a physical deformity (an ordinary body - 
probably a meagre six incher between the legs when fully engorged that 
merely oozes cum like the sex books say these critters do instead of 
shooting it into her cunt from across the room) and a personality 
disorder (an urge to possess the woman he loves and remain with her and 
make her happy forever).  The girl whom he loved in his youth returns 
to town, realizes what a fool she was to leave him, and falls madly in 
love with him.  A lot like us normal folks on a really good hair day.  
Not a bad story!  (Rating: 10)