Introduction
CHAPTER ONE - Come Home, Big Bruno-
CHAPTER TWO - The Flame
CHAPTER THREE - Baa, Baa, Black Sheep
CHAPTER FOUR - Circus, Circus!
CHAPTER FIVE - The Love Trainer
Conclusion
Bibliography
INTRODUCTION
"Cal was a sonofabitch-a drinker, a chaser and a ass. What mother ever saw in him, compared to a kind, good man like my dad, I'll die wondering. But she married him, and he moved in.
"My mother had to take a job in a department store in town, and Cal worked at odd jobs-nothing steady, because few people wanted him around. Anyhow, it left me alone with him a lot, and he didn't wait long to make his move.
"The first time, he was drunk. I came home from school and he was lying on the couch in the living room, stark-naked! But he wasn't passed out. He had it all planned. He'd had just enough booze to make him brave enough to grab me, and when I tried to get into my bedroom and lock the door, he just laughed and slapped me across the face.
"'Get them clothes off, Janie girl,' he commanded. 'You and me is going to have a good fuck!' I was scared, but I couldn't keep my eyes off his cock. It was as big as Martin's, and he was holding it in one hand, a wild look in his eyes. I didn't know what to do. It was three hours until my mother would be home, and Cal was a big man. I was scared, at first. But he began to jerk his cock, and he wasn't circumcised and when I saw that red head of his cock shoot out from under the skin that covered it, I was fascinated. I didn't get turned on, but I just couldn't stop watching him jerking off.
"He came over and stood close to me. 'Want me to take 'em off for you?' he growled. I just began to unbutton my dress and slipped out of it, letting it fall to the floor. I wasn't wearing any bra, but he reached out and tore my filmy panties off me. He just stood there, ogling me, drooling and playing with his cock. Then he pointed to the couch he'd been lying on and said, 'Get that cute ass down there, Janie, so we can get at it.'
"I walked over to the couch and he went wild. He came rushing at me, actually jumping on me, knocking the breath out of me. I was dry inside my pussy, and when he began to jab his cock into me, it hurt at first. But then I began to loosen up. I knew there was nothing I could do. I just spread my legs wide and let him go ahead. He was rough and crude-he didn't give a damn about me or how it felt to me-he just jabbed and hammered his big cock home, and inside a minute, while I was all tense, trying to figure out how I really felt about it, he shot a load of hot juice into my pussy. He hadn't done a thing for me. It wasn't as good as masturbating, in fact.
"He climbed off, and he had an ugly look on his face. 'You open your mouth about this, girl, and I'll beat your fuckin' ears off and throw your ass out on the street!' he snarled. He went into the bathroom, leaving me in a mixed up mess. I knew enough about impregnation to know that I could be in trouble. He'd shot a big load into me, and I knew I could get pregnant. I went into the kitchen and washed out my pussy as best I could in the sink, and then I went out to think it all over. I knew I should tell my mother what had happened, but I was a little afraid that she might just take his version-and I knew he'd swear up and down that I had tried to get him to fuck me-or he'd deny it ever happened.
"I walked out to the pens-they were empty now, where there had always been such nice animals. It made me feel better, just remembering the animals, with their mournful eyes, and how my dad had loved them and worked so hard to make them well.
"My pussy hurt. He was brutal, and he had rammed his cock so deep and hard into me that I was sore. I was sore inside, too, because I had always thought that fucking would be so much different-that it would be a big, wonderful experience. Suddenly, one of my dogs, a big, beautiful collie, came up and began licking my hand. His tongue felt so good, so soft and tender and warm, that I wanted that same feeling on my cunt!
"I hadn't put my panties back on-they were torn-so I just raised my dress and said, 'C'mon, Rex-c'mon!' I guided his nose up to my spread cunt, and without any more orders he began to lick it! It felt so good-so soothing! I squatted down a little, and he began to touch my clit with his long, wet tongue. He was so gentle-licking it so slowly, it was almost as if he knew what I wanted and needed.
"I reached down and began to rub my clit with my finger, watching his hot tongue licking my pussy, and in a few seconds, I came! It was so good. It was a relief, because Rex was doing it because I wanted him to, not because he was a male that wanted to dominate and fuck a female! That's exactly how I felt. I was actually grateful to him-a dumb animal-for licking my cunt!
"I couldn't sleep that night, remembering that bastard, Cal, and then contrasting the gentle touch of Rex's tongue to his big, ugly cock, ramming into my cunt. I fought a battle in my mind about telling my mother, in the hopes she would have the bastard arrested, or at least would throw him out in the gutter where he belonged.
"But I didn't tell her. I was still too lonely. For whatever it was, I needed the secure feeling of at least having a home."
In all of man's history, past and present, there has always been a close association between man and animal. That it is tied in with mysticism and an almost inborn affinity is undeniable, for man uses animals as a source of food, as symbols of the attributes of the animal in question, and in many times and nations and tribes, animals of all types have been objects of worship.
To Americans, of course, it is easy to forget that the symbol of United States of America is the eagle, variously depicted as either the golden eagle or the bald eagle-both voracious, vicious birds of prey.
Yet in this country, there is a deep tie-in with beasts which is often overlooked, if it is realized at all. We are primarily a Judeo-Christian society, with a smattering of Islam, and a few unrecognized offshoots of all the major religions. Consequently, for the greater part, the Jews, Catholics, and Protestants of America observe the religious teachings of the Old Testament as the root and basis of their beliefs.
Still, few-even serious students of the Bible-realize that it was the intention of the Creator for this close affinity for animals to exist. We find in the story of the creation, in Genesis (to the utter astonishment of thousands of otherwise brilliant scholars), that God created Adam, then paraded all the animals He had created before him, inviting him to choose from among them, a mate! Genesis 2:18-22 relates:
And the Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make an help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
Thus we see in the Judeo-Christian theology, the closeness of man and beast. The Scripture goes on to state that from that moment forward, man should hold domain and rule over all beasts, and that they should provide him a source of meat.
Of course, throughout history, animals have provided food for man, as well as clothing from their skins. His existence has been tied up with animals, and in a great many instances, so has his sex life.
In ancient times, and in a few isolated areas of Africa today, there are tribes who believe that having intercourse with an animal, or grinding up his flesh and bones and even drinking the blood of the creature, will endow the qualities of that animal to the partaker.
Greek, Norse, and Roman mythology, and the legends of many almost extinct or forgotten tribes, are filled with animalistic rituals and beliefs. Even the seat of Christianity, Rome, according to legend, was founded by Romulus and Remus, twins who were abandoned by their mother. adopted and nursed by a female wolf; one ultimately slew the other, then went on to build and found Rome. (Note the similarity between the Cain-Abel account in the Bible.)
The Egyptians held the beetle (scarab) sacred, and worshipped it. It is found in all their art and religious symbolism. They also worshipped a jackal-headed man, and the asp was considered a sacred instrument of divine justice and retribution.
In India, to this day, cows-or more rightly, the Brahma cattle-are worshipped as sacred creatures. In various times in Africa, the leopard, the buffalo, the lion, the elephant-all have been objects of worship.
Animals have been tied in with fertility rites throughout recorded history, from the worship of the golden calf by the Hebrews, to the present-day Africans who kill the rhinoceros and use his horn to make a powder that, when ingested, supposedly causes potency in the male and fertility in the female.
But beyond the symbolism and mumbo jumbo that is attached to animals there is a much more relative point to be made. The female of many species of animal has a vagina that is formed so that it will, in emergency (or choice) accommodate the penis of man. Also, many animals will use their tongue to caress the flesh of a human, and this applies very aptly to the fact that women can gain sexual arousement, and even climax, by having the pet of their household lick their vagina.
Bestiality is a subject that has been subjected to far too much speculation and superstition, and all too little research. Sexual congress with animals is forbidden under penalty of death in many religious codes, including the Judeo-Christian. But, as man has explored the unknown, without women, often without the company of other men, he has turned to animals for his sexual relief.
Experts are in agreement that for the most part, bestiality is a matter of expediency. That is, it is often brought out by isolation, where a human being is devoid of the possibility of human sexual contact and turns to beasts for his sexual relief.
Shepherds are a solid, and worldwide example of those whose need is often satisfied by animals. Coincidentally, the vagina of a ewe is admirably shaped to contain the penis of the average male. Lacking the female of the species, the lonely male often uses the anus of the male animal to insert his penis, in a weird form of bestial homosexuality.
Women, throughout history, have experimented with the tongue and the penis of male animals, but by far the most often used beast for obtaining sexual relief by the female is the pet dog. The tongue of a dog can caress the clitoris of a woman almost as well as the tongue of a human, and, in some cases, a male dog can be enticed to attempt intercourse with a female woman, if she assumes the position of a bitch, on her hands and knees. This is seldom, however, a satisfactory form of coitus, for the obvious reason that the bodies of the two cannot be placed to allow for full entry of the animal's penis.
In spite of the biological difficulties, we find that mythology is well larded with instances of human-animal sexual relationships, such as the
Greek god, Zeus, taking the form of a swan to have intercourse with Leda. Leda and the swan have been subjects of much artwork, as have other legends of intercourse between humans and animals. The centaur-half man, half horse-is another example of this.
While psychology and psychiatry are fairly recent developments in man's thinking and reasoning, the fact of bestiality is not. There has always been a certain fascination on the part of man concerning the possibilities of sexual relations with animals, both for sexual relief and mystical qualities that may be transferred through coitus. For the most part, however, man has treated bestiality as if it were either a "dirty joke," or a nightmare that would go away, if he ignored it.
It has not gone away. It exists today, as it has throughout the ages.
Man is an inventive creature, but more than that, he is an extreme opportunist. When man is cut off from normal sexual outlets with females, or even with other males, he is faced with two choices: to masturbate, which he invariably does anyhow, or to engage in some form of sexual relations with beasts that are available.
In the following case histories, we shall see that the primary motivating factor in bestiality is almost always loneliness, or the unavailability of normal sex partners. However, there are also other deep motivating factors at work, for throughout the ages man has made a pet and a companion, as well as a servant, of animals of all breeds. Many psychologists maintain that it is an instinctive trait in man to turn to animals for part of his sex. Others choose to call it an extreme aberration that borders on insanity. Few, however, deny that people still have sexual relations with animals, even though they only develop to a very minor degree in most.
Man, by and large, takes the "ostrich" attitude toward bestiality. He knows it exists, but he does not want it proven to him, for he senses that he, too, may fall into the human sexual behavior mold that he is shown. Yet, man has the rightnay, the privilege-of knowing about himself and his odd sexual patterns and desires, and it is for this purpose that such a study as this was undertaken, for knowledge is the very key to better living.
Psychologists are in general accord that bestiality, along with other sexual deviations, is caused by psychological, not biological, factors. It is significant that the more blatant examples of bestiality usually involve persons from rural areas, pointing up the fact that learning can be a harsh process, and most of the facts of sex, in rural and farm areas, are learned from observing animals. It is considered by many experts to be a truism that persons who learn of sex from animals take a much more practical and unemotional attitude toward sex in general. They also tend to be more--likely to attempt sexual relations with animals. Equally important, persons who are in isolated, lonely areas, where society does not intrude its taboos, are much less inhibited by guilt feelings.
Dr. Alfred E. Kinsey, who investigated the sexual patterns of over 5,000 males, stated:
To each individual, the significance of any particular type of sexual activity depends very largely upon his previous experience. Ultimately, certain activities may seem to him to be the only things that have value, that are right, that are socially acceptable; and all departures from his own particular pattern may seem to be enormous abnormalities.
But the scientific data which are accumulating make it appear that if circumstances had been propitious, most individuals might have become conditioned in any direction, even into activities which they now consider quite unacceptable.
What Kinsey was conjecturing, in effect, was that there is the potential in all of us to engage in sexual aberrations and deviations, including bestiality, if the circumstances are such that we have little alternative.
In the cases we shall study here, it will become rather obvious to the reader that such circumstances did exist in all instances, and it is well that the reader stop and ponder, in the light of his own self-knowledge, just what he might have done under similar circumstances.
Experts agree that there is little evidence of innate perversity, even among those individuals whom society has chosen to class as sexual perverts. There is strong evidence to support the theory that most human sexual activities would become understandable-even acceptable-to most individuals, if they could know the background of every individual's behavior.
In short, to understand another individual is to consider his reasons and his circumstances, under which he may commit a sex act that is unacceptable to us because of our own teachings and inhibitions. We all tend to be censors of each other's life patterns, particularly in the sexual area.
Much has been written about sexual aberrations, and many pseudoexperts have advocated passage of laws prohibiting such acts, and thus making the perpetrator a criminal. History has proven that we learn little by penalizing, even killing, criminals.
The answer is, obviously, a better understanding of such individuals and the reasons behind their acts. This means simply that we need a much more honest and comprehensive method of sex education.
The bestial impulse upsets most persons-in particular degree, those who give way to the urge or need to have sexual relationships with animals.
It is the hope of the author that this study may thrown new light on the motivating forces behind human-animal sex relations, give pause for thought to the reader, and be just one small step in the sadly needed field of sex education, as a whole.
CHAPTER ONE
Come Home, Big Bruno
"It's hard for me to remember the first time I ever had one of the dogs lick my pussy, but I know I couldn't have been more than five or six. I was always crazy about animals-all kinds of animals, from the pigs on the farm, the cows and horses, to the cats and dogs. I was never afraid of them, and I loved to touch them and pet them.
"I remember that we had one big bird dog, a pointer of some sort, that was one of my father's favorite hunting dogs, but Bruno-that was his name
-was usually kept chained up in a big coop. My dad said a good hunting dog would be spoiled if it 'were allowed to run loose and chase birds or rabbits by itself.
"Anyway, I used to beg to be allowed to feed him, and my mother would always let me. When I'd open the wire door to his run, he was always so glad to see me. He'd jump up and lick my face, and sometimes he'd get so excited and so hungry that he'd knock me down. He'd always lick my face and neck, and I'd pet him while he ate his food. He was only supposed to eat once a day, but I sneaked him some bones I saved, sometimes.
"After Bruno ate, he would be different with me. He would sniff my panties and sometimes lick my legs on the inside. Then he would jump up, put his paws around my body, and pump away at my legs. I noticed that his pecker got real stiff, and a long, red, wet part of it would stick out. Once in a while, he would shoot some stuff out on my legs, but other times, I would get a little scared and push him down. I guess I must have known that it wasn't just right, and that my dad would get mad if he saw Bruno doing that to me, even as young as I was.
"When I'd push him down, he would try to get back up to do it again, but if I slapped him or hollered at him, he would lie down. Then he'd lick his red pecker for a long time.
"It used to give me a funny feeling when I'd see that thing, and once, when I knew nobody was looking, I felt it. He licked at my hand when I played with it a little, and he tried to mount me again, but I slapped him and he lay down again.
"I used to watch his tongue going up and down and around the red part of his cock, and I began to wonder how it would feel to have him put his tongue into my pussy and lick it like that. I used to stick my fingers in sometimes, and once in a while, the boy that lived on the next farm to us would be over helping or just fooling around, and he would play with my pussy, using his fingers.
"I remembered how soft and nice Bruno's tongue felt on my hands and face and legs, and how he would sniff at my crotch before he would get all hard and mount me to screw my leg or ass, and I guess I wanted to feel his tongue on my pussy lips pretty bad. I remember a few times, when I would be playing with myself, I would think how it would be if it were Bruno's tongue in there, and it made me feel pretty hot and funny.
"One afternoon when my mother was sick, and my dad had to go into town for some stuff, I knew that there would be no one to see me, because my mother was in bed. My dad had told me that if I ever unchained Bruno, I'd really get a switching. He had a big switch he kept in the kitchen, and I'd had it used on me a couple of times, and it hurt bad. He kept a horsewhip in the barn, too, and sometimes he would use that on the dogs or the horses, if they acted up.
"I didn't dare let Bruno loose, so I just went up to his cage. I had rubbed some hamburger on my hands and a little of it up between the lips of my pussy, and when I went into his cage, he began to lick my hands. I had taken my panties off and when he'd licked all the hamburger juices off my hands, he just began to lick my pussy, too. It felt good. It tickled and made me feel all hot, and I liked it even better when he stuck his tongue way up in, to get at the meat bits that I'd pushed up inside my pussy.
"I could see that his cock was getting hard, too, and that was even more exciting, so I spread my legs wider and put my finger in to help give me more of that good feeling. In a minute or so, he stopped licking, though, and he mounted me, trying to stick his cock into my pussy. He mounted me from the back, and I could feel it going up between my legs, but I don't think it got inside my pussy, because I couldn't feel it-like I had been able to feel his nice, warm tongue up inside me. But he did shoot a lot of stuff all over my ass and legs, and I kept playing with myself until he shot off.
"Then he went and laid down, and I locked the gate and went back to my room and played with myself some more, remembering how nice his tongue had felt when it rubbed along the little knob that I used to play with.
"After that, I used to let him do it to me a lot of times-whenever I was sure that nobody was around to catch us. We had a big collie dog, too, that was allowed to run free, but it was a female. Her name was Trixie. She had never tried to mount me, like Bruno did, but I wondered if she would like the smell of my pussy enough to lick it like he did, especially if I put some meat in it. I tried it, and she did. She licked it good, but somehow, it wasn't as good as with Bruno doing it.
"Then one day, another man brought over the same kind of dog that Bruno was-a pointer, and she was put in the same cage with Bruno. Of course, I didn't know what it was for, then, but she was in heat, and the man wanted her to have puppies by Bruno.
"I wasn't supposed to watch, but I sneaked up to the barn and into the haymow, where I could look out the loading door and down into Bruno's big cage. I watched how excited he got, smelling her pussy. I could see how he licked it, and then his cock got all hard.
"He mounted her then like he did me-from the back, holding her with his paws while he shoved his cock inside her pussy. He was panting hard, and his ass was moving in and out real fast. Then it was over, and he stopped and lay down and began to lick his pecker. My dad and the other man had been watching, and they took the other dog away and the man gave my dad a little money. I found out later that my father could also have any of the puppies she had that he wanted, but he never did, because they were three females, and he said females didn't make good hunting dogs.
"But I had been watching closely, and I knew that if I got on my hands and knees, so that I was something like the bitch had been, maybe Bruno could get his cock up inside my pussy like that, and I wanted to feel that. The bitch had seemed to like it, and I could hardly wait to try it out. But that wasn't so easy, because I didn't get many chances to be alone with him that long.
"But another day when my mother and father were both in town, I went up into his runway. I had some meat rubbed inside my pussy, and I had my panties off already, so he went right after me. First he began to lick my pussy, for the meat taste, but I pushed him away and got down on my hands and knees. Bruno licked my ass-hole and the bottom part of my pussy for a few seconds, and I could see his dick getting hard, with that wet, red head sticking out, and then he mounted me like he had done the bitch.
"He was panting and slobbering, and his ass was working away. He was holding me with his front paws and his nails were digging in, but I didn't mind. I could feel his cock touching my pussy, but it didn't go in very far. I could also feel it trying to go up inside my ass-hole, but it really didn't go in much.
"Inside a minute or so, I felt Bruno's come shoot between my legs, and he gave a few more jerks after that, then he got off and went over and laid down and began to lick his dick with his tongue.
"I didn't know it then, but somebody had seen us. Later, it was going to be awfully important. There was an old man that lived alone in a shack about a half mile from us. He did all sorts of odd jobs, helped with planting, haying, repaired machinery-anything to keep himself in food and clothes. He was always out picking berries, and he would sell them when he had a crateful to the stores in town.
"The day that Bruno first tried to screw me, he was on his way to pick berries. He often cut across our farm to get to the woods where a lot of huckleberries grew, and he had picked that exact time to be crossing our place. He had stopped and watched the whole thing, I found out later. I don't know why he didn't do anything then. Maybe he didn't know that my mother and father weren't home.
"I tried two other times to get Bruno's cock inside me, both times on my hands and knees, and each time it worked about the same. He would try hard, and I tried to squirm around and make it easier for it to go into me, but it only seemed to just barely touch my pussy lips and my ass-hole. But I used to masturbate afterwards, and it was always good, remembering Bruno trying to screw me. And I often made him lick my pussy, and if I helped by using my finger, I could get that good, hot feeling right while he was doing it. But usually, I had to masturbate afterwards. I started using other things to masturbate with-tool handles, a hairbrush handle-things like that. I even tried a wiener, and when I remembered how Bruno's cock looked something like it, it made me feel real good when I got finished.
"I suppose Old John-that's all anybody ever called him-was just waiting his chance. One day, I was down in the far field, picking berries. There was a big stone wall around two sides of the field, and some sumac trees and other bushes grew pretty heavily all along the wall, so that from our house you couldn't see what was going on in the field. There were a lot of blackberry bushes growing there along the wall, too, and I had gone down to pick a pail of them. Our collie, Trixie, was usually along, but that day, she wasn't. I don't know if she would have scared old John away, anyhow, because she was always friendly with everybody around.
"He came up behind me and it scared me at first, until I recognized him. I didn't think he would hurt me, and I wasn't scared then.
"He put his arms around me and began to feel my pussy, and I was a little surprised, but still not really scared. Then he reached under my dress and ran his hand up inside my panties and shoved one of his fingers into my pussy! It felt good, in a way, but he was so rough about it that it hurt a little, and I began to get a little scared. I said, 'Don't-I'll tell my daddy.' It just popped out.
"Old John just chuckled and dug his finger in even more, using his fingernail to scratch at my knob. Then he said, 'It's better'n that dog that's been fuckin' you, ain't it, Mary?'
"At first, I didn't understand the meaning of what he was saying. I realized that he must have seen me and Bruno, but I didn't understand that he was warning me not to make any noise, or he would tell my father about that.
"He kept moving his finger around, holding me tight with his other hand, and, in spite of my fear, it did feel good-better than most of the times I played with myself or used something to stick up inside me.
"I stopped struggling to get away, and he said, "That's better, girlie. Now, you just be nice to Old John, and we can have a lot of fun.' He pulled my panties down and picked me up and laid me on the grass. It was rough on my behind, but I was fascinated at what he might be going to do to me, and I just laid there, my dress up, my pussy showing plainly. Old John stood there staring at it, licking his lips, while he unzipped his trousers.
"He took out his cock and began to play with it. It wasn't very hard-not like Bruno's got, and the head of it was not wet and red like Bruno's. I know now that he was circumcised, but at that moment I was fascinated just by the sight of it. It was the first time I'd ever seen a man's cock, and it looked awfully big and scary, but at the same time it made me feel hot and funny between my legs. I remember wondering if that big thing would fit inside me, because all the things I had put up inside my pussy were smaller than it was.
"He got down and began to lick my pussy, still playing with himself, and it surprised me at how good it felt, how much like Bruno's licking Old John's was. Then he began to use his teeth to nibble on my clit, and he sucked it with his lips, and I began to move around, wiggling to make it feel better.
"Then he stopped all of a sudden and got on his knees. I could see that his cock was big and hard-even bigger than I had guessed it could be. He had a wild look on his face, and he moved in between my legs and lowered himself down on me, not quite leaning his weight on me, because he held himself up by crooking his knees a little and using one hand to keep himself up.
"He had his cock in his other hand, and all at once he put the head of it between my pussy lips, then let his weight come down on his lower body and his cock stabbed into my pussy! It seemed to be splitting me apart, and I screamed in pain. I couldn't help it-it just came from the bottom of me, it hurt so bad. I felt like a hot poker was being shoved inside me, and I screamed again.
"Old John jumped off me, pulling it out, and covered my mouth with one big, dirty hand. 'Stop that, you little dog-fucker,' he growled in a low voice, 'or I'll tear your goddamned cunt apart!'
"I was trembling and getting numb from the shock of the pain, but I stopped screaming. I'd have done anything not to have him stick that big thing inside me again.
"When I stopped threshing around and screaming, he took his hand off my mouth. He glared down at me, his cock all wet now, with my pussy juices and a little bit of my blood. He crawled up by my face, and his eyes scared me so I thought I was going to die.
" 'You take it in your mouth, dog-fucker!' he commanded. 'Or I'll shove it so far in your pussy that it'll choke you to death!'
"I was so weak with fear and pain that I could hardly breathe. He moved in close, turning me over and laying down beside me, with his cock close to my mouth.
'Suck it!' he ordered, shoving it forward so that it touched my lips. I couldn't do anything but open my mouth and let him shove it in. It felt so big I thought I would vomit or choke. I reached out almost automatically and began to pull on the part of it that wasn't in my mouth, to take it out. But he wouldn't let me. He held my head by the back and began to work it in and out, and I knew that the best thing I could do was to let him do it. I knew he would have to shoot his juice sooner or later, like Bruno always did, and then he would stop. That's all I could think of-to get him to stop.
"I opened my mouth as wide as I could. I thought my jaws would break. Finally, I felt my mouth begin to fill with hot, salty juice, and he kept on pushing his cock in so that all I could do to keep from choking was to swallow the globs of cream.
"He was like Bruno, then. He stopped jamming it in my mouth and got up. He looked over his shoulder toward the house, and I could see a different look then. He looked scared.
"He reached down and put my panties on me, then he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me hard. I guess I was in a daze. It had all happened so quickly, and I hurt so much.
" 'You ever tell anybody about this, and I'll tell about you fuckin' that dog of yours. Know what'll happen, if I do? Yore daddy will take a horsewhip and lay yore hide open. And maybe, they might even send you to a nuthouse, where crazy people go-where they beat you and starve you! You understand me?'
"I just nodded dumbly. I was so scared I couldn't even think.
"Old John let go of me and, with a backward look at the house again, beat it as fast as he could toward his shack.
"When he had disappeared, I just fell down in the grass and cried and moaned. I hurt so much, and I felt so dirty, but I didn't dare let anyone know. I laid there a long time. Finally, I took the pail, rubbed my eyes dry on my dress, and went home."
* * *
The speaker is Mary R., now 40. She has been in a woman's prison and, for a time, in a mental institution. She is now working as a janitress in a hospital, where she is also attending group therapy sessions weekly.
The sexual aberration we call bestiality, or sexual relations between humans and animals, has always fascinated man. This is evidenced by the symbolism of animals, and the attributing of mystical powers to them, throughout history by almost every race and tribe known to man.
We find animal worship scattered throughout all religions and regions, from the worship of the golden calf by the Hebrews of the Old Testament, to the present-day "snake cults" of our own country, from the hill regions of Kentucky to the Indian tribes of Arizona. Even our national symbol, the bald eagle, signifies a lingering adherence to these mystic beliefs.
Science has been mystified for centuries by bestiality, and almost all nations have, at one time or another, outlawed sexual relations between man and animals. But that there have been sound reasons for its occurrence is now becoming apparent, aside from the lingering overtones of the mystic power of animals, as scientists dig ever deeper into the human psyche.
Mary's case is hardly typical, yet, case studies do show that the vast majority of persons who engage in sexual relations with animals have been raised in rural areas, usually living on farms or ranches.
That small children are fascinated by animals is apparent to anyone, and that they may be sexually fascinated is also understandable. Children are preoccupied with their own sex organs and those of other children as well. When an only child is surrounded by animals, it is quite understandable that this normal interest in the sex organs is occasionally transferred to those of animals.
This was undoubtedly the case with Mary. She was obviously a lonely child, for the life of a dirt farmer does not allow for much leisure time nor, indeed, even for time to relax or to teach his children. Usually, in a small family such as the one Mary came from, the work is almost equally shared by the wife, for seldom does a small farm allow for the hiring of outside help, unless the help is willing to work for his, or her, food and lodgings and a small and often infrequent sum of cash.
As we shall see in Mary's continuing account, this very circumstance further contributed to her bestiality.
* * *
"I tried my best to stay away from the fields and the nearby woods after that, and I never told my mother or father anything about it. There was some blood on my panties that day, but I washed it all out myself.
"I lived in terror of meeting Old John again, or of his telling my father about me and Bruno. It seemed that no one cared what was happening to me, except the dogs. I was scared to try to let Bruno even lick my pussy, badly as I wanted him to, but I did sneak in a couple of times so he could. And Trixie would lick it pretty good, if I put some meat up inside my pussy.
"But I was awfully lonely. Even when I was in school, I felt strange. I felt as if everyone knew that I liked animals better than people, and I think I must have acted scared of most grown-ups. I know I didn't do good in school, at anything-except a thing we called Nature Study. It was all about the plants and trees and animals of our state, and that was almost natural for me to know-or want to learn about.
"I was twelve, when it happened. In all those years, I had managed to stay clear of Old John, and he was scared enough of my telling what he'd done to me that he shied away from our place as much as he could. My daddy did hire him a few times, but he always just glared at me, as a silent warning that his threat still stood, and never spoke to me.
"He was working with the planting one spring, when his shack burned to the ground. All he had was the clothes he was wearing, so my daddy told him that if he'd work for just food and lodging and ten dollars a month he could come and be our hired hand!
"I wanted to scream to my father when he told me Old John was coming to live with us. I was terrified. All the old terror came back in a rush. He would be around now, all the time-watching me, so that I wouldn't even be able to enjoy my dogs! And I could tell the first night at supper, the way he looked at me, that he knew he had won, and he was going to have plenty of chances now to do whatever he wanted with me.
"He waited his chance, all right, and it came the day my father had a heart attack and my mother had to drive him over twenty miles to a hospital. There wasn't any in the town that was closest to us.
"It all happened so fast that even I forgot that I would be alone with Old John. The first thing I knew, my mother was driving off with my daddy lying in the back seat, hollering to me to see that Old John and I had supper!
"I began to shake as soon as the car disappeared. He was standing nearby, and I was even afraid to look at him! The nearest farm was at least a quarter mile away, and I knew he'd catch me if I ran.
"I wondered, if I could unchain Bruno, if he'd try to protect me, but I knew I couldn't even make it to his pen before Old John would get me. I know how a rabbit feels when a big snake is coming toward it, because I was paralyzed. I couldn't even move when he put his hand on my breast and said, 'Now you and me can have some real fun at last, Mary.'
"He moved around behind me, close, so his body was touching mine, and I could feel his cock getting hard, pressing into the crack of my ass. I began to be almost as scared as I had been that day down in the field, but, in a strange way, I knew I was helpless.
"I suppose, as I had matured a little, I had begun to wonder a lot about what sex would be like with a man, and maybe if he hadn't hurt me so badly that one time I would already have tried it. Sometimes the boys at school were fresh and would make smart remarks, but I was always afraid of them. I was always shy, anyhow, and that one experience with Old John had made me twice as shy with boys and men.
"But he was rough. He was digging his nails into my breasts, really digging in with his fingers, and he was moving his ass in and out, rubbing his cock up against my ass, almost like Bruno did when he screwed.
"Then one hand went down between my legs and he grabbed my pussy, doing the same thing, digging his fingers in through the cloth of my dress and panties.
"I guess the old fear just came back in a rush. I remembered him threatening to tell about me and Bruno, and what he said would happen-not so much the horsewhip, but the part about being put in a nuthouse. I just sort of froze up. I wanted to run, to scream, to fight and kick and scratch him, but I couldn't seem to move.
"He half carried, half dragged me into the house and into the living room. He just pushed me back on the couch, hard, and began to undress me. I took my blouse and blue jeans off, then my panties. I wasn't wearing any bra, and when he saw my breasts, and the hair around my pussy, he just took his cock out through his opened fly and began to jerk on it. In spite of all the old memories of fear, I began to feel hot, but the strange thing is that, as I looked at his cock, all I could think of was how I wished it were Bruno. I wished that Bruno, the way he loved me and wanted to mount me, had a cock that big and long, so it would reach deep inside my pussy.
"Old John got down on his knees, spread my legs, and began to finger my pussy. He had that wild look, and he said, 'Ain't no worry now that it won't fit. You're a nice big girl now.' Then he bent forward and began to lick it, sticking his tongue in and, finally, nibbling at my clit. It did arouse me some, but when I looked down and saw his wild, shiny eyes, I remembered that other time, and I just froze up again. I guess he could almost sense what was going on in my mind, because he stopped using his mouth and crawled up onto the couch between my legs, holding his cock in his hand.
" 'Just don't you forget, dog-fucker,' he said with a nasty leer, 'I kin still tell your momma and daddy about you and your dog-lover.'
"He moved in, poised himself, spread my pussy lips with one hand, inserted his big cock just inside, and then he just began to pump away. It hurt some, but not anything like it had before; besides, I was just numb with all the remembering. It was as if I didn't have a nerve in me. I didn't feel anything, really, and I know I was surprised when I felt him squirt his juice inside me, after a couple of minutes or so. I didn't hardly move a muscle all the time. When he climbed off me, wiping his cock on his shirttail, he sneered, 'Hmmm, not much good at fuckin' a man at that.'
"He went back to his work, and I got up and went and washed my pussy out with soapy water. I just felt dirty and dead inside. I wanted to just hide my face from the whole world, I felt so dirty. After a while, I went down and rubbed some leftover salmon into my pussy lips, went up and into Bruno's coop, and let him lick my pussy until he didn't want to anymore. I didn't come, but somehow I felt cleaner.
"My daddy came home a week later, but he couldn't work, and it was torment for me, trying to dodge around the old man all the time. But it did help that my daddy was always close by. I felt more safe, even though it kept me away from Bruno, because daddy could only do light things and was always puttering around the barn and the sheds, or fooling around fixing something.
"He had to go to the doctor's office one day each week, though, and that was always torment. Old John never failed to get me if I stayed at home. I used to beg to go along, but both my parents told me that with daddy sick I would have to pitch in and do an extra share of work, so I had to stay home. Once or twice, I just ran away. I went into the woods, or just walked down, the road and rested or even slept under a tree until I knew my parents were back home.
"And then I lost my daddy. He died one night in his sleep, and when I heard about it next morning I almost went out of my mind. It wasn't so much losing him-we had never really gotten to know each other. I was thinking that, now, I would be alone with Old John, all the time.
"After the funeral, my mother sat with us-Old John and me-and said in a tired voice, 'For a while, John, I wish you'd stay on.' I saw him half grin, looking slyly over at me as if to say, Now you'll get fucked anytime I say, Mary, but he just patted my mother's hand and said of course he'd stay as long as he was needed.
"I knew right then I had not only lost my daddy, but my home, too. The next day, I left home. I had always been allowed to keep any money I earned at berry-picking, or helping out once in a while at another farmhouse when somebody had a baby, or something, and I had saved up over thirty dollars. I knew it wasn't much, but I knew I couldn't stay there, so, instead of going to school, I took the suitcase I'd packed and hid, got out on the highway, and hitchhiked.
"A truck driver picked me up a mile out of town and took me to Scranton. I know now that it was a dumb thing to do. I should have just told my mother the truth-that Old John had raped me. I don't think-looking back-that he would have said a thing about me and Bruno. He would probably have just run, like I did.
"When I got into Scranton, I hadn't the slightest idea of what to do. I walked in a cheap section of town until I saw a sign that said Board and Room. I was scared, but the lady that answered the door was nice, and she said I could have a room and two meals a day for $20 a week. I gave her the money, then went to my room on the second floor and just laid on the bed and cried my heart out.
"She must have heard me, because she came in and sat on the bed and put her arms around me. 'Ran away from home, didn't you, honey?' she asked, patting my hair and holding me in her arms like I was a baby. 'Never mind, I know how it is. Bertha knows. Did the same thing myself. Now, don't you worry, honey. Bertha will take care of you.'
"I fell asleep in her arms, liking the feel of her hands caressing my face and my breasts, and when I woke up, I felt a lot better. I had a good meal, and I noticed that there were no men at the supper table-only five women and myself and Bertha. But it was a good meal, and I felt better than I had in a long time. At least, I felt quite safe, although I missed Bruno. I had noticed that there were three cats in the place-no dogs that I had seen-but the women were all nice, and they didn't ask any questions about my age or anything. Maybe Bertha had told them not to.
"That night, I took a shower for the first time. There was a big shower, bath, and toilet room that everyone on the second floor used, and it felt so good to step into that warm water, feel the sting of it on my body. It was as if it washed away a whole lot of things and left me clean.
"When I got back to my room, all glowing from the shower and the good feeling, I found Bertha sitting on the bed. She was wearing a thin nightie; it showed her big breasts and the dark hair around her crotch. She was about forty, I guess, and though she was a big woman she had a nice shape and was pretty in a mannish sort of way.
"I only had a nightie on myself, but it was a flannel thing that didn't show much of my body. Bertha smiled and said, 'My, you look fresh and pretty, Mary dear. I thought you might like a little company-being alone and away from home the first night and all. I brought some tea.' She got up and poured two cups from the teapot on the tray and handed me one. We sat on my bed and talked, and I just felt like I wanted to tell her the whole awful story. She had half guessed part of it.
" 'Some man mess with you, honey?' she asked, after a few moments. 'That why you ran?'
"I told her that Old John had tried to rape me when I was very young, then how he had come to live at our farm, and how my daddy had died and I was afraid of Old John. The only part I left out was about Bruno and Trixie. When I had finished, I felt better.
"We had finished our tea, and Bertha moved over close to me and put her arms around me, pulling me to her so I could feel her breasts shoving against my body. Her hand began rubbing my breast, and it soothed me; but at the same time it began to give me that tingling feeling in my pussy.
" 'Poor baby,' Bertha said softly. 'Nobody will hurt you here. I promise you that.'
"She began to kiss my neck and ears, and, finally, she kissed my mouth. It just seemed natural for me to open my lips and let her tongue slide in. It felt good. My family had never been one to show much affection, kissing was only done when someone was going away, and Bertha's kiss was something new and wonderful.
"She tangled her tongue with mine, and I came alive. She began to massage my breast, then slowly she raised my nightie and her hand slid down between my legs. When she began to rub the lips of my pussy with her cupped hand and when her finger slid in and began to massage my clitoris, I felt wonderful-like I had never felt in my life.
"She gently laid me back on the bed, stood up, and let her nightie fall off; then she took mine off. She began to kiss my eyes and my ears, all the while playing with my pussy, ever so gently rolling my clit between her fingers, and all the time murmuring soft things in my ear. I think it was the first time any human being had ever told me she loved me, and it sent me into ecstasy. It washed away all the dirt and hurt I had ever known, and it made me want to possess her the same way. I wanted to kiss her breasts and her mouth, and I wanted to just relax and belong to her, for I had never in my life really belonged to anyone, or to any place, for that matter.
"Slowly, Bertha slid down my body, her lips and tongue playing fiery tunes on my breasts, my nipples, my belly, and then my thighs. I spread my legs wide, and she slid up between them, licking and kissing the inner parts of my thighs, driving me wild with her tongue. I thought, just for a moment, of Bruno, but I raised my head and looked down and saw Bertha's soft, blondeish hair between my legs, and I knew I didn't need my Bruno ever again. And when I felt her tongue slide in, licking and caressing and massaging my clitoris, I forgot that there had ever been another creature, human or animal, in the whole world.
"Her teeth nibbled gently at my clit. She sucked it into her mouth and rolled her tongue around it. Then I felt her fingers slide inside my cunt, probing deep, but softly, into the inner cavern. With her other hand, she reached beneath me and used one finger to gently massage my ass-hole. My whole body just became one big package of joy. I had never dreamed that anything could feel so good, nor that I could be bursting with love for anyone the way I was for my Bertha.
"My body began to move in rhythm to her sucking and licking and her fingering, without my having anything to do with it, and then my pussy seemed to burst like a skyrocket I'd seen at Fourth of July celebrations in town, and I exploded into an orgasm that covered my whole world with happiness!"
* * *
In a surprising number of cases that have come to the attention of researchers and psychiatrists, females who have engaged in bestiality, or any meaningful acts of sex with animals, had become involved in lesbianism.
In Mary's case, bestiality might not have even been involved directly, for she was in a perfect emotional and psychological mood to be seduced by a lesbian.
She had been a lonely child, receiving almost no attention or affection, and surely little personal or physical love from her too-busy parents. Her only companionship had been gained from her two dogs, and her sex contacts had been with them. They, in comparison to the brutish old man who raped her, then forced her to perform fellatio, had been gentle; yet, there can never be the warmth of affection from an animal that matches that which emanates from a human being.
With the death of her father, Mary was terrorized into fleeing, knowing that she was easy prey for more of the brutish sexual attacks of the man who now seemed to be in command of her life.
Fate led her to the arms of a lesbian and, being as naive as she was concerning physical sex acts and unused to tender, affectionate physical love, Mary almost had to react as she did to the advances of the woman called Bertha. Had this lesbian been of the rough, aggressive type, she might have seemed to the lonely, disheartened girl a mere female prototype of the old lecher who had first introduced her to brutal sex.
Instead, Mary felt she had found a home. She had found a mother image also, though it is doubtful that she realized it at that time. She had found, most important of all, love, gentleness, and a sexual love that was uplifting and cleansing.
But her story did not end with the happiness she had stumbled onto, as we shall hear.
* * *
"After my body had stopped shuddering with pleasure, I couldn't wait to show my gratitude and love for my new, wonderful friend, Bertha. I pulled her up beside me and I did the same to her as she had done to me. I began by kissing her ears and neck, her mouth and breasts, using my tongue as best I knew how, nibbling softly at her large, erect nipples, massaging her large breasts with my hands and my mouth, sucking, licking, kissing.
"I began to play with the lips of her pussy, and then I massaged her clit. It seemed a lot bigger than mine, and it was easy for me to reach in and roll it around in my fingers, 'chasing' it as it seemed to move all around her cunt.
"When I began to move down her body with my kisses and caresses, she began to moan, and she called me all the sweet names I had ever heard, finally just saying, 'Oh, sweet baby, do it-suck it!' as my mouth went between her legs and my tongue entered her wet, hot cunt. I sucked in her clit, nibbling at it, rolling my tongue over it, and she began to writhe all over, rolling so I had a hard time to keep my mouth locked to her lovely pussy.
"When she came, she almost screamed. She really had to smother it with her hand, and she began to shake and sob a few seconds after. I understood how she felt, because I'd felt that way when I came, but I still went on sucking and licking until she quieted down and gently pushed me away. She just said, as she kissed my lips, 'Together, darling baby.' She twisted around so that our bodies were facing each other, but upside down, so my cunt was close to her face and hers to mine.
"I thought it had been good before, but to be able to give her my passion, my love, while I could feel her giving hers to me, was far better. It was like we became one person, all filled with love. I never wanted to let her go, to let my mouth ever leave her lovely body. I was in love-I was loved!
"It was wonderful with Bertha for over a year. She wouldn't let me worry about or need a thing. She bought me nice clothes, gave me spending money for movies and makeup, showed me how to fix my hair and make up my face so that I looked a lot older, and-taught me how to drink.
"I had tasted wine at home, but never any hard liquor, and all that Bertha ever drank was gin. For a while after I first came to her she didn't drink much, but gradually she drank more and more until there was hardly a time that we made love when she wasn't loaded. It was hard to make love to her then, for she would take an hour to come, and sometimes she would just fall asleep without even having an orgasm.
"We often quarreled, after that first year, and twice she slapped me and told me to get out. But when I started to pack, she would cry and beg me to forgive her, and never leave her, no matter how drunk or nasty she got.
"I had begun to drink right along with her, but I would pass out long before she was even really drunk. She seemed to be cooling off toward me, because she made love to me less often. Sometimes two weeks would go by without our making love. She began to stay out a lot at night, and for a while I was practically running the boarding house. She was hanging around a lesbian bar. I knew, because she would sometimes babble drunkenly about some beautiful girl she'd met and wanted to go to bed with.
"Then she started to bring them home with her, and it broke my heart. I wasn't jealous, just so hurt I wanted to die. I had thought it would never end, our beautiful love. When I cried, she would get angry and say that if I didn't like it, I could always leave.
"One night, when I went to her room and found her in bed with a woman who looked like an old tramp, making love, moaning how she loved her, I just couldn't take the hurt anymore.
"I went to my room, packed my things, and just left. I was so upset at the time that I didn't even remember that I had less than ten dollars, but I got a room for two nights and decided I would find a job quickly.
"I didn't know where to start, so I went to the bar where Bertha hung out. I asked for a job as a cocktail waitress. The woman that ran the place told me that she already had two women working. I guess I looked pretty forlorn, because Ethelshe managed the place-gave me a gin and tonic and said, 'Don't look as if the world ended, kid. Maybe we can work something out.'
"When I looked into her eyes, I guess I knew what she meant. But I was already lonely, and so hurt because I had lost Bertha that I was desperate. I asked her what she meant.
" 'I know you've been Bertha's girl,' Ethel said coldly. 'And for peanuts, I'll bet. Why not make some money at it?'
"I was shocked for a minute, and a little bewildered. I had never heard of lesbian prostitutes, yet I knew that was what she was talking about. I just hoped she wasn't talking about going to bed with men, because I would never be able to do that. I was too frightened of them. I'd have fainted if one had ever laid a hand on me again.
" 'Look, baby,' Ethel explained, waving a hand to take in the bar and all the booths in the back, and the tiny dance floor with a jukebox beside it. 'I get a lot of girls in here that only get female loving on the side-in the dark. Some are married and won't give up a good meal ticket, others are businesswomen in good positions who don't want their company to find out that they are lesbians. They come in here and they like to have a date all arranged for them, when they can sneak the time. They pay good-especially for a fresh, young chick like you. Bertha at least left that innocent, country-girl look on your face. I think you could get from twenty to fifty bucks a night. Want me to work on it?'
"I thought it over for a long moment or two. I was a dumb country kid, still scared of the world. I had lost my home-the only home and the only love I'd really ever had. Maybe this was the answer. And if I didn't like it, I could always get out. At least, that's what I thought then.
"I shrugged and tried to act grown-up. 'I'll try,' I said simply.
"Ethel asked if I had a place to stay, and I told her of the room I had rented, but she shook her head in disgust. 'No good. You've got to have a nice apartment or room where these women can go. I don't have any here. Too risky. But I'll stake you to a place. You can pay me back within a couple of weeks, I'm certain. Okay?'
"It all sounded so cold and business-like that, for a minute, I was scared. How did she know that I could please those women. Of course, I didn't know then that lesbians are like any other lovers-the older ones go for the young stuff, and I was still young and fairly pretty, and I did have a nice, trim, little-girl body.
"So, that's how I got started as a pro. Ethel had me a place the next day-a nice furnished three-room place that was only a few blocks from where she ran her place, and the second day I was there, she sent me my first customer. She was a woman of about fifty, but good-looking and very well dressed. She just looked and smelled like class and money.
"I've even forgotten her name, but she did say she was married to a big executive, and that she had to be very careful. She raved about how young and pretty I was, and she made me feel at ease. I'd been terribly nervous when Ethel told me she'd fixed me up for my first date for money, but this woman was nice.
"She made the pitch, and before I knew it, we were naked in bed, and she was making wild, wonderful love to me, and then I to her. She spent three hours, and when she left, she left me a twenty-dollar bill, saying, 'I've already given Ethel fifty, but you were far sweeter than I expected. I want you again, baby-soon.'
"I worked with Ethel for six months, and then I got too big for my boots, I suppose. I didn't see why I needed her, so I just moved to a different apartment and tried it on my own.
"I'd been drinking more and more-maybe my conscience was bothering me, I don't know, and I was afraid to go back to Ethel's place to make any contacts. I had only a couple of phone numbers, and I started by calling them. I had only two customers the first week, and I knew I wasn't going to make it that way, so I started hanging around a woman's health and body-conditioning salon, practically throwing myself at women. But I had to get drunk to do that, and I couldn't make out. I went for almost a month without any woman, and my money was down to nothing.
"That's when I remembered how scared Carla-I'll call her Carla-had been, of being found out. I knew she was the head of a big dress-manufacturing company and that she was married. I called her and told her I wanted to borrow some money. She refused, calling me a drunken bitch when I began to grow nasty. Then I threatened to tell her husband and her company that she was a lesbian and had hired me several times to make love to her.
"It worked. She sent me a hundred. When that ran out-mostly on gin-I called again, but this time she was ready. She taped the phone call, called the police, and I was arrested for blackmail. Of course, I couldn't prove that she really was a lesbian-with her 'respectably married' status-and I was convicted and sentenced to two years. And I learned my lesson. I went back and begged Ethel for my job back with her, but she told me that with the threat of blackmail hanging over their heads, no woman would trust me within kissing distance. I didn't have any money, so she lent me twenty bucks and I went to New York City. Ethel had at least given me the names of two gay bars that I might make out at, and that's where I headed.
"I made out, from time to time, and managed to live. I was picked up three times on common drunk charges, though, and it got harder and harder to get by. So, like a dummy, I tried the threatening bit again, and the very first time, this dame had me arrested. I was stoned when they arrested me, but she had no proof, and they had to let me go. But with all my drunk arrests, and the former blackmail conviction, the judge decided I needed mental treatment. He committed me for a year.
"It helped some, but I'm still a lesbian. They haven't been able to knock that out of me. I work at a hospital as a janitress, and I go to group therapy sessions every week. I don't have to, but I want to. I keep wondering if there isn't something better for me, if I can straighten out my life.
"I'm forty, now, and what small wages I do earn only allow me to visit a gay bar once a month or so, for some sex. And then, I usually have to buy it-at least from the younger ones.
"I sometimes wonder, when I'm all alone at night in my dinky room with my dog, why I ever thought that human beings were nicer than animals."
CHAPTER TWO
The Flame
"I had my first real sex when I was thirteen, but I had let boys fool around a lot before that. I had let them masturbate me until I came, and two of them had sucked my clit until I came, but I had never gone all the way until Earl.
"The other boys had all been young-fourteen or fifteen-but Earl was a man. In fact, I was babysitting for his little boy. I guess we both had a thing for each other from the beginning. I know that I used to turn on every time he would get near me and look at me with those big hot eyes of his. He looked as if he was hungry, as if he wanted to just eat me up, and when he would brush against me, he always managed to touch my titties or my pussy a little. We were just waiting for the right chance, but his wife Myra always drove me home and picked me up. She was jealous as hell of Earl, and I didn't blame her. He was a handsome guy, athletic, always smiling and happy, while she was sort of fat and dumpy and never seemed to take very good care of herself. Her hair was always straggly, and she didn't use much makeup. I wondered for a long time how she'd ever hooked Earl, but he told me later that he had knocked her up when they were in high school and he had just gone ahead and married her.
"Whenever I baby-sat for them, when they would come home, Earl was usually pretty loaded. I didn't blame him much, being hooked up with Myra.
"This one night when they got home from a party, it was Myra that was loaded. He almost had to carry her in the house, and for once, he wasn't drunk at all. He said later they had been fighting all night over her making a scene when he was dancing too close to some woman at the party, and she had just sulked and drank. So, Earl had to drive me home.
"He got Myra into bed first, and then he came into the living room. I thought we were going to leave right then, but he iust walked over, put his arms around me and kissed me. He said, 'To hell with this trying it in the car, Laura. Let's do it right here-on the couch.'
"It happened just like that, as if we had planned it for months, which I guess we had, really, in our minds. He took my panties off, laid me down on the couch and began to kiss my pussy. I liked it. I had never had it done like he did. The other kids had been amateurs compared to Earl.
"He nibbled at my clit, sucked it deep into his mouth, ran one finger deep into my cunt and played around inside, while he sucked and tongued my clit until I had a quick come. Then he just took his cock out, without taking off his pants, got on top of me, and began to fuck me. He was kissing my neck and ears, and when it began to slide in and out good, he shoved his tongue into my mouth and we played with each other's tongue and lips, building up to a big come for both of us.
"I had Earl a lot after that. We used to meet, and we'd do it in the car or on the grass somewhere, and once, when Myra was away, I stayed all night at his house, and we really had an orgy. We must have sucked and fucked at least six times during the night.
"But he got transferred by his company, and that was that. I had grown pretty and had filled out, and the boys at school were beginning to take after me good. I mean the good ones-the seniors, with cars and some money, and a couple of the big wheels in sports.
"Some I let lay me, others I didn't..I had a hell of a scare when I was sixteen when I missed a period, so I had one of the guys, whose father was a doctor, get me a prescription for birth-control pills, and then I was all right. My mother and father were pretty good joes-I was allowed to date as much as I wanted. I got good marks in school, I helped Mom around the house a lot, and they never bugged me if I stayed out a little late, if I didn't overdo it.
"In my junior year, when I was seventeen, I entered a local beauty contest for a big beer company, and I won! After that, it seemed that every boy in town wanted to date me, and a lot of men, too-although they didn't make the passes openly, I'll tell you.
"I started going with Jim right after that. He was twenty-one, and in college, and he was something. He was a brain, and yet he was tall, handsome, and what a lover! We both talked a lot about marriage, but he wanted to get his degree and go on into engineering, so we cooled the marriage bit for the time being. I'd have married him in a second if he had wanted me to, but it was almost as if we were married, anyhow.
"He had a little apartment near the college, which was not far from my house, and at least three nights a week, we had sex-all kinds of sex. Sometimes we would get so hot for each other that I would masturbate him and suck him off while we were driving somewhere.
"He liked plays and concerts. I guess you'd call him an egghead, in a lot of ways, but I was so damned deep in love with him that I'd have done anything he asked, in bed or out. He had some wild ideas about sex, and he and I tried every position in the book. He was something else, and I was the happiest girl in the world, knowing that he was going to be all mine one day.
"I never screwed around, once I began to date
Jim. Everybody knew that I loved him and he loved me, even my folks. He showed me a letter he had written to his parents back East, telling them all about the wonderful girl he had been going with and was going to marry.
"I wish with all my heart he had listened to me and gotten married then, but I suppose it wouldn't have really changed things much. He would probably have left me long before now, anyhow.
"It happened so suddenly that nobody could have done anything about it. One night, our house caught fire and was destroyed. It happened early in the morning when we were all asleep, and I guess if it hadn't been for our dog, Maxie, barking his head off and clawing at my parent's bedroom door, we would have all been burned to death. As it was, my room was in flames by the time my father could get to me, and I was already unconscious from the smoke and fumes.
"He managed to drag me outside to the lawn, but my hair and nightie were afire, and my bedclothes had been in flames when he dragged me out.
"I was unconscious for several days in the hospital, suffering third-degree burns on my chest, neck, and head. But they weren't as worried over my recovering from the burns as they were about my mental state.
"They didn't let me look in a mirror for over six weeks, after the bandages were off, and when they did, I went into hysterics. I was a monster! And when I looked at my beautiful breasts, they looked like lumpy hunks of shit! I was a complete mess-I didn't even look like a human being, much less a once-pretty girl!
"All I could think of was to hide from the whole world. I wanted to run, run, run. They tried to get me to listen to the doctors and the psychiatrist, all telling me that in time operations could be made on my face that would perform miracles, but I couldn't believe them. Nothing in the world could change that horrible, ugly mask that had once been my face.
"To make things worse, my dad had no insurance on our things. I felt so sorry for my dad, seeing him sitting beside my bed, trying to assure me that he would work his hands off if he had to, to get the right doctors to perform the operation, and all the time the poor guy didn't even have a dime to his name.
"I was in such a state of despair for a long time that they constantly kept a nurse in the room so I didn't try to take my own life. Of course, for a long time, they kept me doped up, but even when I was conscious and fairly lucid, I didn't want to talk or have anyone near me.
"My father got new furniture on time, we moved into a much cheaper house, and my mother went to work also, to help with all the bills that had piled up. They wanted to hire someone to stay with me, but I didn't want that. I didn't want anyone staring at my face. I know people didn't mean to, but they just couldn't help but let their eyes come back to my scarred face, and I couldn't stand the look of horror and disgust I could see on their faces.
"Jim had tried to see me several times when I was in the hospital, but I just screamed in terror when they asked me if I wanted to see him. I'd have died before letting him see me like that, yet, as I grew better physically, I missed him so much. My body just ached to feel him close to me, kissing me, screwing me ... but I couldn't stand the shame of him seeing me, and I knew I would die if I saw that horrified look on his face. I knew also that he was the kind of man who would insist that nothing had changed, but he was wrong. I woudn't have inflicted my awful face and breasts on any man ... much less one that I loved like I loved him.
"Life settled into a routine. I arranged with school to study at home. I even took my examinations at home, and graduated with my class, although I didn't go to the commencement exercises.
"I had Maxie for company, and my father insisted on getting me a cat. I had never liked cats too much, but this one was cute, and he just loved to lie in my lap while I read, or watched TV. And Maxie and the cat, Jerry, got along real well.
"A strange thing began to happen to me-I was always starved, and for rich, sweet food and candy. I used to eat all day long, it seemed, always nibbling on something-potato chips, candy, baked goods. I just couldn't seem to ever feel satisfied.
"I played with myself a lot when I was alone. I usually fantasized about Jim, but sometimes I would think of other boys when I masturbated. Funny, but it was often the ugly ones I dreamed about, and once or twice I remembered a hunchbacked boy in grammar school, and I dreamed of him having sex with me.
"I was feeding Jerry one day when he licked my fingers and I felt his barbed, rough tongue. All at once, I remembered how I had loved to have Jim kiss my pussy-the way he would nibble on my clit, nipping it, making it jump and tingle. I had tried masturbating with a lot of different things--hairbrush handles, candles, wieners, and even a vibrator that my dad used to massage his scalp with, because he was going bald.
"I got a sudden idea, I opened a can of tuna, took all my clothes off, smeared some of the oil around my pussy and rubbed some of it up inside it, all around my clit; then I took Jerry, lay on my bed, and spread my legs wide apart. He began to lick me, and the second I felt his tongue against my flesh, I began to get all hot and ready for a good come. When his tongue worked into my pussy lips and I felt it on my clit, I really hit the ceiling.
"I let him lick away, and at the same time I kept dipping my finger into the tuna fish oil and rubbing my clit, to keep him interested. Then I put some down lower, inside my pussy lips, and while he was licking away. I just masturbated myself like hell and came in a minute. Jerry's fur felt good, brushing against my inner thighs and his tongue drove me wild, and I even began to take him to bed with me nights, and I would let him lick my cunt while I masturbated with different things.
"I tried to get Jerry aroused. I would take his balls and massage them and dry to jerk his little prick, but it usually didn't do much. He seemed half scared when I would try to masturbate him, and a couple of time he clawed me a little.
"I don't know why I didn't think of Maxie as a good sex partner. He was always licking my hands. He loved me, and since the fire, he was king of our house, as you might guess. Sometimes, though, I would look at my face in the mirror and I would hate Max, for waking us up.
"I hated myself, all over, and in a screwy way I felt that if Max had just minded his business that night, I'd have been dead, which I might just as well be as the awful way I was. I was getting fatter by the day, but I couldn't stop eating. I just had to have something in my mouth, it seemed, no matter what I was doing.
"I had to see the doctors twice a week-the dermatologist and the psychiatrist-but outside of them, I didn't see another person up close for over a year. The doctor was getting worried about my gaining so much weight, and the psychiatrist talked to me about it, too, but I just couldn't stop. I was five six, weighed almost 170 pounds, and more kept coming to my body all the time....
"The way it happened with Maxie was odd. I was in my robe-I seldom got dressed around the house. After all, what for? You dress to please or impress other people-men, mostly-and I was alone with Max and Jerry ... a dog and a cat.
"Anyhow, I was fixing myself up to have Jerry lick my pussy. I forget what I was using, maybe some salmon or tuna, I don't know, and I slipped off my robe and was smearing some juice and bits of meat into my cunt when Max came wandering in.
"He just walked up to me and began to lick my fingers. I liked the feel of his tongue on my hand, and when he smelled the fish around my pussy, he just began to lick all around my pussy; finally, I felt his long, sort of rough, tongue going up inside it. He licked so slow and different than Jerry did, that I just spread my legs and enjoyed the feel of his tongue inside my pussy. When he finally began to lick at my clit, I noticed that he was acting differently.
"He seemed to be getting excited by it, and when the fish was all gone, he kept on licking at it, slow and wonderful, building me up to a come the same way a man might.
"I noticed that he had a hard on. The red, hot-looking tip of his cock was sticking out a couple of inches of the flesh that surrounded it, and when he was at his hardest, he began to move his ass in and out as if he were fucking another dog. I put some more stuff on my fingers and rubbed it down low. He shifted his tongue to the lower parts, while I slid my fingers inside me and began to masturbate myself hard and fast. I think inside of twenty strokes I had a terrific come, and when the juices of my cunt began to flood it, Maxie just got more excited. He licked harder and faster, and he moved in close so that his cock was jabbing into the side of the bed, and he was getting some friction.
"I knew I had stumbled onto a real good thing. Maxie wasn't interested in the taste of the fish any-more-he liked the taste of my cunt, and it turned him on.
"When I came, I suddenly felt a great surge of love for my Maxie. I wanted him to come, too. I twisted around, slapped the bed to make him jump up on it, and while he licked at my cunt upside down, I took his pink, wet cock in my hand and masturbated him. When I did, he went wild.
"He nibbled at my cunt, he licked the lips and the hair around it, and all the time his ass kept going in and out, up and down, while I let his wet cock slide into my hand, jerking it, playing with it, loving it! And the strange thing was, I wasn't thinking of Jim, or the hunchback, or anyone! I just wanted to get my Maxie to come!
"He began to really jerk and lunge faster, and all at once he shot a load of juice into my hand. He was panting like mad, and I just kept on playing with his cock for another few seconds, until I had another orgasm!
"When he had quieted down, Maxie gave a few more licks at my pussy lips and then climbed off the bed. He went over in a corner, lay down, lifted his leg, and began to lick his cock. It had gone down a lot, but I could still see that hot, wet, red tip showing through the hair-covered part of his prick. He licked it almost lovingly, and I got all hot again, just watching him. I masturbated myself some more, only this time I was imagining Maxie's cock shoved up inside my cunt!
"I wondered if it were possible for a dog to fuck a woman. I didn't know much about it, but I made up my mind right then and there that I was going to try to work it out, somehow.
"Life began to take on a new dimension. Even with my ugly face and my fat body, Maxie and Jerry loved me, and all the sex urges in my body responded to them. I knew, for the first time since the fire, that I was going to make it! I had thought, a thousand times-every time I looked in the mirror, I guess-that I was going to eventually find an easy way to commit suicide. But now, I had someone who loved me sexually, who could satisfy me, and whom I could satisfy. And best of all, I felt that both Max and Jerry loved me, truly loved me, not pitied me, because my ugly face meant nothing to them.
"I think that's when I began to learn that looks mean nothing. Or, they shouldn't, anyhow. It is what a person is to another that counts, and I guess, in a strange way, I looked at my cat and my dog as persons-especially Maxie.
"I could hardly wait for the next day, when my parents left for work, so I could be with Max again. He was a German shepherd, a beautiful animal, and I lay awake half the night, figuring out how I might spread myself somewhere, somehow, so that his cock would go inside my cunt. I needed and wanted him to fuck me, and I knew I would work it out, somehow.
"Next day, when they had gone, I took off my robe and tried Maxie out, to see if he was interested in just my cunt, without having it smeared with some sort of bait, like meat or fish.
"I called him, and when he came up to me, he acted almost as if he were ashamed. He licked at my hand, his head down and his tail drooping, and I wondered if he felt guilty. I didn't. Why should I? I had no chance of ever attracting a human being, male or female, so why shouldn't I have some thrilling sex with Maxie. I loved him. He loved me. That was all that mattered.
"I lifted his muzzle, putting his cold nose close to my cunt, and he gave a couple of half-hearted licks at it, but I could see that he was confused. He didn't know quite what I wanted him to do. He wanted to please me, I could tell, but he wasn't sure how I wanted him to do it.
"I got him up on the bed, then spread the lips of my pussy with my fingers, and he began to lick it. He almost seemed to be trying hard to please me, and it felt so good. But he started to get tired of the game, and I wanted to come with him licking me, so I pulled him up so he could lick my face while I played with his cock. It was only a little hard when I started, but he got it hard fast, and the red end of it began to shove way out when I jerked it.
"I got even hotter playing with it, and all at once I just had an awful desire to put it in my mouth!
"I rolled Max over on his side and crawled down on him. I kept on playing with his cock, then I began to tickle it with the end of my tongue. He started his ass motions and began to pant hard, and when I slid it into my mouth, he almost went wild, trying to fuck my mouth. It wasn't a good position, so I slid off the bed, sitting so my back was against it, and got Max down with his front paws on the bed, around my neck, and I just sucked it while he pushed in and out, faster and faster, as if he were fucking a female dog.
"I felt him squirt into my mouth and I just kept on sucking, but he gave a few more jerks, then he climbed down and began to lick his cock off.
"After I got back on the bed I just lay there and masturbated. I watched Maxie's cock get small again and the red disappear. I called him over. He got back on the bed and licked my pussy while I masturbated my clit with my fingers. I had a real good come.
"I used to suck Max off a lot after that, and he was always ready to lick my pussy. Sometimes I would rub meat or fish up inside my cunt, so he would have to go in deeper and nibble and use his long teeth to get at it. After a while, I began to wonder if I couldn't try having Max actually fuck me in the cunt.
"I began to try to get him to push it into me while I lay on my back and had him on top of me, but it didn't work at all. He just couldn't get any grip with his legs that way, and I remembered seeing dogs fucking, and I knew that the best way would be for me to get on my hands and knees. It would be the best way for Maxie, and it would allow him to push his cock into my cunt harder.
"I played with him one day until it was all hard and he was horny, and then I got on my hands and knees on the floor and told him, 'Come on, boy-come on,' and he sniffed at my ass-hole, give a couple of licks at it and my pussy lips and then mounted me and began to pump away. I could feel his cock going inside my pussy lips, but not deep enough to really do much good. It was good for him, though, and he began to pant and make funny little noises in his throat, while I masturbated myself with my fingers.
"I hunched up as high as I could, trying to get his cock in deeper, but it didn't help much. Before I could really position myself any higher, Maxie shot his load and it went all over my pussy lips and down my thighs. When he climbed down, I rolled over and he licked my cunt for a minute, licking up his own come, while I worked my clit faster and harder with my fingers, so that I came in a few seconds.
"It was good, in a way, but not really any more satisfying to me then if I had just masturbated myself without Maxie doing anything. But I thought that maybe I could work it out another way so his cock would really go deep inside me. But I didn't try it right away. I went back to letting him just lick my cunt for a while.
"One day, I just had to try to get his cock into my pussy from the front, like a man would. I knew that it was long enough to rub my clit, it I could just get the right position.
"I got Max all hot by playing with his prick and sucking it a little, and then I spread myself on my bed so that my ass was hanging over the edge and my cunt was wide open and at the right height to allow Max's cock to go in, if he would try. It was awkward. I had to support my lower weight with my legs spread and the knees bent, but I was going to try it no matter how hard it was for me.
"I got Max to mount me with his front paws around my neck, and he began to pump away. I reached down and guided his cock into my cunt, high enough so that I could feel it rubbing against my clitoris, and although it wasn't as good as I had hoped-nowhere as good as a man-it did give me a big thrill. But before I could come, Maxie shot his load. When he got down, I masturbated fast and managed to come while he was licking away at my cunt.
"I tried it again a lot of times after that, but it wasn't very good, ever, and besides, I had begun to feel strange, and got moody.
"I was becoming a weirdo. A dog-fucker. A dog-lover. I began to wonder if I was losing my marbles, or if I already had. I wanted to tell the psychiatrist about it, but I didn't have the nerve. I was afraid, honestly, that he might have me put away somewhere. Yet, in my heart, I felt I had to do what I was doing with Max and Jerry. I just didn't have anyone else. What could I do? What could any girl do who had had sex and liked it like I had, who had found a man like Jim, planned to marry-what would others do if their whole world ended all in an hour, and then they had to look in the mirror and see a fat, ugly, scar-faced copy of themselves that at times even made them want to throw up?
"Everyone needs love. Everyone needs sex, after they are a certain age, or after they've tasted it at its best. I felt I was normal, yet, when I thought about what I was doing with Max, I felt I was insane."
* * *
The tragedy of Laura might have been written by a classic Greek tragedian, for it follows the line of theory of so many of today's modern psychiatric experts that it seems almost phenomenal.
A lovely, attractive, and very popular girl, who excelled in her school studies, had a fine home relationship, and seemed to have a healthy and zestful attitude toward sex, suddenly withdraws from the world and takes to animals for sex satisfaction. Why?
The answers, from a psychological point of view are almost coincidental with the theories laid down by Freud, Adler, and many others, and which have been verified by excellent modern researchers into sex patterns and human behavior-experts like Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson, and many others equally capable and diligent.
That the horrible scarring of Laura's face and breasts should have an extremely detrimental effect on her outlook and her emotions, is quite understandable. Other things that followed may not be so clear to the layman as they are to the trained psychiatrist.
One fact that may not have made much of an impression on the lay person is Laura's sudden craving for food, especially sweets and fattening items. This, according to most psychologists, is an almost automatic reaction of the paranoiac, the person who feels that the world has mistreated and rejected him. Obesity, in the view of most compete-tent medical specialists, comes from only two causes: either glandular defects that account for the obesity merely because the food taken into the body is not properly digested and then used, or emotional and psychological reactions to adverse or abnormal conditions.
That Laura suffered severe adversity is beyond question. Her world was suddenly overturned. Where once she could look proudly into a mirror, glad that she had a pretty face that attracted the attention and admiration of both male and female friends, she suddenly had to stare at a horrible mask of flame-wrecked flesh that, according to her testimony, actually sickened her.
She had contemplated marriage to a man who was doubtless in love with her, and whom she loved. That it would have been a good marriage is hard to state with surety; however, the fact that Jim, her fianc', was determined to go on in college until he received his engineering degree indicates that he was a man of integrity and good common sense, that he would have made an excellent life for Laura, and that their marriage would have been a good one.
Then we come to Laura's sex attitudes. She had no innate inhibitions, it would seem from her story, and she had no inhibitions with her intended husband. She enjoyed sex fully and with deep emotional satisfaction. Consequently, when her sexual and physical attractiveness were destroyed, she was suddenly thrust from a wonderful, promisingly bright world, into one of despair. She was a well of loneliness. She cut herself off from the world. She felt the world didn't want even to look at her, let alone embrace her again as one of its own.
She felt hunger that she did not understand. In her youthful mind, that hunger seemed to be one that could be sated with food. Of course, she was spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically depleted, and, none of the gratifications or easing factors in these areas being available, she turned to food.
It became a vicious circle, for the more she ate, the more heavy her body became, and, in her eyes, the more ugly and undesirable she became. That she became a masochist is quite obvious. She felt rejected, alone, unloved, and a burden on her parents.
In a sense, she felt "fit only for the dogs," as, at one point in her conversation with psychiatrists, she actually claimed.
On the other hand, her self-imposed (and understandable) isolation created a situation where the only love she felt close at hand was that given her by her animal friends. Max, tne German shepherd, had actually saved the lives of her family, and there was a bond that exceeded even that of normal pet-owner feelings.
Combined with her strong sexuality and sensuous feelings, it was almost inevitable that Laura would turn to her pets for affection, then love, and, finally, sex.
That a girl who had enjoyed sex as freely as Laura had would eventually discover a deep need for further sex is also psychologically predictable; when masturbation failed to satisfy her deep sexual needs, she turned to the nearest objects of her love-her pet cat and dog. That this is unusual is doubtful, for many young girls and boys who have none of the driving circumstances that Laura had have experimented with mild sex with animals. The difference, of course, is the intensity with which Laura pursued this pleasure. Few youngsters or adults will go as far as performing fellatio on a male animal, but this in itself reveals the depths of Laura's loneliness and desire to be loved sexually.
Her fears that her abnormal acts with her pets were a sign that she was mentally unbalanced are also understandable.
Guilt feelings are at the base of all psychiatric problems, and Laura had more than her share. She felt she was ugly, too ugly to impose herself upon society other than her parents and doctors; she felt she had become too fat, adding to her unattractiveness; yet she was unable to stem the hunger within her, which she mistook for a hunger for food.
When she finally reached the point at which she felt she was losing her mind, Laura took a completely different tack, as we shall see when she continues her account. In the minds of psychiatrists who dealt with her problem, her next approach to sex was also understandable and predictable. Few humans can be satisfied for long with sex relations with animals. Almost always, these relations are brought about by dire circumstances-a severe lack of opportunity to enjoy normal sex relations with humans.
Almost everyone who indulges in sex with animals returns to a normal human-human sexual relationship, and, as we shall see from her story, Laura did not deviate from this pattern of normality. Max and Jerry were temporary, stopgap measures utilized to fill her desperate needs. She was aware, almost from the start, that they never could, but because of her physical unattractiveness she dared not make the ultimate attempt to reestablish herself as a human being, especially with males her own age, or older, who could give her sexual satisfaction, if not the love she so desperately desired.
"I hit a spell of about three weeks when I wouldn't let Max or Jerry even be close to me. I could see that both of them were dismayed and puzzled, because neither had done anything to me, yet I was treating them mean. I got moody, and I wanted to get outside the house and see what the lousy world still looked like.
"I took to sitting out on the back lawn, just taking in the sky, lying on my back, watching the neighbors once in a while, when they didn't know I was looking. I just didn't want any of them coming over and getting a look at my face.
"My parents were glad to see that I was at least getting out of the house, even though it was only into the backyard, and they encouraged me a lot. They remarked on how healthy my body looked, with the suntan I was building up-things like that. But when I would lie there, staring at nothing, really, I would be thinking of Jim. I would wonder why things had to go the way they did. Why me? Why anybody? To go through such loneliness and frustration that you had to turn to a pet dog to try to find some happiness . ...
"I tried to get my courage up. I wanted to walk out into the street and just tell the world that I hadn't really changed, that I was still the same happy, life-loving, sexy Laura that I'd been before the fire. And, most of all, I wanted to scream at them that I wouldn't hurt any of them-that all I wanted was to give and get some love!
"But I couldn't. When it came down to doing it, I couldn't. I just had to look in a mirror, and then I knew I would never be a human being again. The money for any operations seemed to be so far away, and I tried not to let my parents know that I was drowning in my own self-pity. They worked so hard ... I couldn't make it worse for them by complaining.
"I began to notice this kid that lived two doors away. He was about thirteen, I thought, but he seemed big for his age. He looked young, but he acted old and sort of smart-alecky, so I didn't really know. He used to have a hoop at the top of his garage door and he'd toss a basketball into it, dribbling it around, showing off, looking over to see if I was watching him.
"For a long time, I knew he was there, but when he would look over toward me, I thought he was just trying to see my face, and I'd turn away. But after a while, I got interested in him. It dawned on me that he spent a lot of time out there alone, and I sort of felt sorry for him. I wondered why he wasn't out with other kids, playing games, instead of always alone in his own backyard.
"I began paying more attention to him and saw that he wore awfully thick glasses-'bottle-bottoms,' I'd heard the kids call them-and in a way, I felt better. I knew he couldn't see my face clearly from that distance, and it put me more at ease.
"He began to wave a greeting at me when he would spot me, and I'd wave back. Pretty soon, we began to talk, but at long range. He said both his parents worked and he was alone all the time. When I asked about the other kids, he said he couldn't see good enough to play any of their games, and they didn't want him around. I guess we formed a sort of bond then and there-at least, on my part, because I certainly understood that feeling of being left out of the world.
"I decided I'd prepare him for when we saw each other close up, so I told him about the fire, and how I had been burned so badly and my face was all scarred. He listened closely, and then he said, 'Gee, that's awful. But that ought to make us friends, sort of.' I never heard more welcome words in my life. Friends. I hadn't realized just how much I missed them, and how much I wanted and needed them-even one, young as he might be.
"I fixed some lemonade one afternoon and when he came out, I asked him to come over and have some. I was shaking when he walked into the back door, and I kept my face turned away as much as I could when I poured his glass, but he had his glasses on and he could see part of it.
"I knew he was staring, but he didn't say anything. He was homely, but he had a nice smile, and I finally faced him and watched his eyes closely as he looked at my face. "That ain't so bad,' he aid honestly. 'I bet you'll be pretty again after the operation you told me about.'
"It gave me courage, like nothing else had, and I impulsively grabbed him and kissed him. I wasn't wearing anything under my thin dress, and his hand brushed against my breasts, and it gave me a funny feeling. It was the first male touch I'd felt in so long, aside from the doctors', and I just held him close for a minute, holding my lips to his ear. He was as tall as I was, and thin, and he didn't seem to mind my embrace.
"We had another lemonade, and then I asked him if he wanted to wait while I took a shower. I had a crazy idea that if I could let him see me naked, I could get him all hot and bothered, and maybe we could do something. I was horny, being around a boy for the first time, and Larry seemed so friendly and warm, and had felt so good when I held him and kissed him, that I had to try, and that was all I could think of.
"He said, 'Sure, I'll wait,' and I hurried into the bathroom, stripped off my dress, and turned on the shower. I felt alive again! I had a friend, and, with any luck, I might make him my lover. At least, he would be better than Max or Jerry. I know it was selfish, but I had been alone so long, and I was so worried about what I'd been doing with my cat and dog that I was desperate.
"I stepped into the shower after I had tossed all the towels into the clothes hamper, and after a moment of letting the warm water run over my body, while I rubbed my breasts and pussy, making me even more hot for some sex action, I turned off the water and called to him, 'Larry, will you get me some towels out of the hall linen closet? I forgot them!' He called back, 'Okay, Laura.' He came down the hall from the kitchen and got two towels and stepped into the bathroom. I had left the door open, and now I stood just outside the shower, naked.
"His eyes went wide when he saw my breasts and my pussy, and I got a thrill out of seeing the startled but interested look on his face. He couldn't keep from letting his eyes rove over my body-especially my pussy-and I saw his pants begin to bulge just a little as his cock began to come up.
"I said softly, 'Want to dry me, Larry?' He blushed, but he moved toward me and began to dry my body. At first, he just touched my arms and neck, but then he began to rub my breasts and stomach, and then my legs. He knelt to dry my legs and his face was close to my pussy. I wanted to scream: Kiss it! Suck it! Lick it! But he kept on drying my legs and his eyes kept returning to my slit. Finally, I touched my pussy with my hands. 'Dry me there, too,' I told him, 'It won't bite you.'
"He hesitated and turned even redder, then he began to rub my inner thighs, moving in toward my pussy lips slowly. It was torment for me, and I began to groan with the delicious anticipation. Finally, he began to towel the outer lips, going underneath me so that the rough material touched my ass-hole and all the outer parts of my cunt.
"I could hardly stand it. I grabbed the towel from him and moaned. "With your hand, Larry--please!' He looked a little scared, but his hand crept up to my cunt and he began to rub the lips of it. I knew, by the way he did it, that he had never touched a girl there before, so I reached down and took his hand and guided it to my clit. I rubbed his fingers around it, and told him that that was the spot that felt good, and he kept on rubbing it, sliding his fingers in and out of my pussy, until I was almost ready to come.
"I reached down again and took his hand, speeding up the motions, and I came-good, much better than I had with Max. Of course, it was still only masturbation, but this time I could look down and see a boy doing it. And in the back of my mind, I knew that it would work out so that I could get him to go all the way and fuck me.
"He stood up-his cock was really stiff now and I pulled him close and shoved my tongue into his mouth. I pulled his body close to mine, and it was wonderful just to feel his hard cock shoving against me. I reached down and unzipped his pants and took it in my hand and began to play with it, jerking it a little, squeezing it, and all the while, kissing him with deep tongue kisses.
"Almost unconsciously, his hands went around me and his hands cupped the cheeks of my ass. He kneaded the flesh of them and pulled my pussy in closer to his cock. I wanted him to shove it inside the lips but he wouldn't. He just wanted to 'dry fuck' me, and before I realized how hot he was, he shot a tiny spurt of juice all over my hand and my pussy hairs.
"I was angry at first, but then I remembered how young he was, and how strange and scary it had been for me when I first started having sex, so I acted as if I didn't mind. I just stopped kissing him, and took a washcloth and washed his come off my body and then I washed his prick good.
"He was embarrassed, and I tried to make him feel better about it, but he acted as if he had committed a sin or a crime. I said, 'Did you like that, Larry?' All he could manage was a nod, his eyes averted from mine. 'I did, too,' I added. 'I want to do it again, soon. Will we?'
"Larry nodded, as if he wasn't sure, and zipped up his pants. 'I better go now,' he said uneasily, then, with an awkward motion, he bent forward so none of his body touched my naked one, and kissed me on the cheek. Then he left. I still felt so elated that I sat on the toilet and masturbated myself to orgasm, thinking how good it had felt to see and feel a boy's cock again, instead of a dog's. I could hardly wait until we really got with it and went all the way, sucking and fucking. I could be a girl again-a female that a man wanted and desired!
"But Larry must have felt even more guilty or ashamed than I had thought, for I didn't see him for over a week. He seemed to be ducking me, and I was getting hotter and hotter. I guess I ate like a horse during that time, and I masturbated a lot. I was tempted to try it with Max again, but once I had broken down the barrier inside me, so that I could let a man or boy look at me, and knew that I could still arouse them, I knew I could never again settle for a dog.
"Poor Maxie acted as if I had whipped him. He used to sit and look at me with his sad eyes, and if I petted him, he just slunk away. I guess even an animal can sense when he is being rejected, like I felt I was, and like Larry must have felt.
"One afternoon, I was watching from the front window and saw Larry come home from school. I knew he was alone, so I went across the backyards and knocked on his kitchen door. When he saw me, he seemed ashamed and he didn't look at my eyes. All he said was a weak, 'Hi.'
" 'Can I come in?' I asked. He nodded and held the door wide and I went in. I felt a little awkward, but I was too horny to be polite.
" 'Let's do it,' I came right out with. 'I enjoyed it the other time, Larry. Didn't you?'
"He finally looked at me and it seemed that he had lost some of his embarrassment. 'I ... guess so,' he admitted. I moved close to him and put my arms around him, kissing him, trying to shove my tongue into his mouth, but he kept his teeth locked tight.
" 'Come on, let's get undressed,' I coaxed, unzipping his fly and reaching in quickly to grab his cock. I could feel it already beginning to harden, and I played with it a little. He wanted to shove me away, but he couldn't. He wanted it as bad as I did, I sensed.
"I rubbed my breasts against his chest and my cunt against his cock, through my dress, and in a moment his mouth opened and let my tongue slide in, and his hands went around and cupped my ass cheeks.
"I broke the kiss and we went into the living room. I slid out of my dress and he took off his pants, his prick-already hard. I couldn't wait to get going. I walked over, knelt in front of him, and took his cock in my hand, inserting the head of it in my mouth, tickling it with my tongue, running it around the head of his cock. Then I slid my mouth down over it, taking it in deep, sucking and moving my mouth up and down, using my tongue and my teeth wildly, trying to excite him to the limit.
"He loved it, but he was afraid, He kept trying to back away, and I crawled on my knees, never letting his cock out of my mouth. He came to the couch, fell back on it, and then seemed to just surrender. He lay on his back, and I sucked and played and nibbled until I felt him grab me by the hair, tangling his fingers in it, pulling me even closer, and then in a wild series of lunges he shot his load into my mouth. I wouldn't let him go soft. I wanted his cock inside my cunt. I was going to have it! I felt a strange feeling of power. I wasn't going to be driven back into the world of dog-loving for my sex. I wanted it from a man--from Larry, and I was going to get it!
"When he got almost hard, I let him go. I lay on the floor, my legs spread, and said, 'Fuck me, Larry-put your cock in here, honey.' I spread the lips of my pussy wide open, so he could see the wet, hot inside of it. I was so hot I felt faint. But he just sat there, staring at me with wide eyes that were filled with fear and, for the first time, disgust.
" 'Fuck it, Larry!' I commanded roughly. 'Fuck me in the cunt!'
"He began to shake his head slowly, saying, 'I can't! I can't!'
"I begged some more, but he just shook his head. Then I finally made out the words he was mumbling, almost crying as he slobbered them out. 'You're a cocksucker. You're no good. You're a whore-a cocksucker-a queer!'
"Lying there on the floor, begging him to fuck me, having him call me a cocksucker and a whore, I felt more rejected and lost than I ever had over my face. The other, I couldn't blame people for. I mean, their not wanting to look at my ugly mask of a face, but this was different. The little sonofabitch was kicking me away as a woman-as a person who needed and wanted him!
"I guess I just went blank. I only remember what happened next in spots. I remember getting up, all the feeling gone from my tormented body. I was numb with the hurt he had given me. I grabbed his belt and pulled it from the loops. I took it by the loose end of the leather so that I could wield the buckle, and I began to beat him. I remember seeing that buckle bite into his flesh at least two dozen times, as if it were all in slow motion, and each time he screamed in pain, I got a special kick out of it. It wasn't a sexual kick-it went deeper than that. It was as if I were washing out my soul with every bit of blood that I drew from Larry's flesh.
"He fell off the couch, trying to get away from the horrible lashing I was giving him. He lay on the floor, his hands wrapped around his head to protect his face. He had drawn up his knees to protect his cock and balls, and he was a whimpering, slobbering mass of jelly, screaming for me to stop hurting him-calling me names, over and over!
"I saw him go lax and lie there, and I still kept on hitting him, until I was exhausted. Even then, I was in a daze. I dropped the belt and stood there looking down at Larry, still not fully aware how badly I had hurt him. Then I walked out the back door and to my house, still naked, leaving my dress there beside the couch. I remember going in and taking a shower, and then I got one of my own belts. I could think of only one thing--death. I had some crazy idea of hanging myself with a belt.
"I went into my bedroom, looking around for something I could hook the belt to after fastening it around my neck. Max came slinking in, and he came up and began to lick my hand. I was in a daze, but, I remember that he took a lick at my pussy with his long, wet tongue, as if offering an apology or begging me to take him back again as my lover.
"I grabbed the belt and began to beat him, hitting him in the face as hard as I could. He went yelping out of the room and crawled behind the couch in the living room to escape my madness, whimpering like a puppy. I chased after him, wanting to beat him to a mass of bloody fur. I tripped over a lamp cord and hit my head, and that was the last I remember of the mad scene.
"The police came for me before I regained consciousness. When Larry's mother found him unconscious, bleeding and maimed, and saw my dress, she called a police ambulance. Larry came to long enough to identify me as his assailant, and the police were summoned to arrest me.
"I was put in the mental ward, of course, and I never did stand trial. I underwent two years of therapy, and during that time I had two skin grafts on my face.
"I was released on the condition that I continue psychotherapy indefinitely. My psychiatrist has to submit monthly reports on my progress to the authorities, and he tells me that I have almost made it back.
"I know that I've learned a lot about myself, and people who are much like me. I read a lot of psychology and other connected books, and I know that what happened to me was, in a sense, almost the natural result of my accident in the fire.
"I have learned, too, how closely sadism and masochism are combined in many persons, and that when Larry rejected me that day, my masochistic self-pity gave way to a strong desire to strike back at the world for what it had given me. I especially wanted to make Larry suffer for rejecting my body, even though it was the cause of my shame and masochism.
"When Max appeared on the scene, he brought back to my confused mind the depths to which I had sunk. He reminded me that I was a dog-lover, and that I had removed myself so far from the world that I had to turn to an animal for my sexual relief. When I saw him, I vented all my rage and hatred for myself on him, blaming him for making me what I had become.
"The two skin grafts have helped some, but I will need more. However, I've learned to live with my face, and I have subdued that awful desire to eat all the time and my weight is down now, so that I do have a nice shape again. Not as trim as it was, but it isn't too bad.
"Most of all I've learned to live with myself by living with and for others. I suppose it could be considered a refuge, a way of hiding from what I still think is an uncaring world-unless you care for yourself enough to make them care-but I am working in an institution for the blind.
"I feel I am helping others. I like them. I don't pity them, for they don't pity themselves. They are too busy making something of their lives, not being dependent on charity or family to earn a living.
"Of course, it's good therapy for me to be a part of this. For one thing, it makes me less prone to self-pity, for I see all around me others who have had much more heartaches and problems than I, because their affliction is so much worse than mine. I've licked a lot of my pride-not all, but a lot.
"As a matter-of-fact, I am self-supporting, though my parents still insist on paying for my psychotherapy. I have my own small apartment, and lately
I have been having quiet dates with one of the young men at the institute. It isn't anything more than a deep, close friendship, now. We talk at my place, I cook a nice meal, we listen to my records--things like that. Sometimes we just walk in the park, and I tell him, as best I can, what the lovely things of nature are all about. It has opened my eyes and heart as much as it has his.
"I think I love Carl; I think he loves me. When we talk about it, there will be something better than love involved, for both of us. There will be need and a bond of giving to each other that will lead us to happiness, if the day comes when we decide to marry.
"Although he has never seen my lace, Carl tells me that he can see me with his heart, and that I am the most beautiful creature in the world.
"What sweeter words are there than those, in this whole, crazy, mixed-up world?"
CHAPTER THREE
Baa, Baa, Black Sheep
"I don't know quite where I started messing with the sheep and cows. I do know that I lived in the loneliest goddamn part of the world, without a mother-a real mother, I mean-and a hard nosed sonofabitch for a father.
"I was always scrawny and sickly, and my dad never could stand that. If he came across a sickly horse, cow, or sheep, he would just shoot it, right on the spot. I think he would have liked to have shot me a lot of times when I was really sick or when I couldn't do the chores he laid out for me.
"His favorite expression was, 'I'll make a man of you, if it kills me.' But it wasn't him that was being killed, it was me.
"My mother died when I was three, and I lived alone with just ranch hands until I was twelve. We had a Mexican cook-housekeeper, but jt was a man. I never even saw a woman, outside of school, all those years. When I was almost thirteen, my father married a real young girl. She was nothing but a hooker who had her eye on my dad's money, I think, but he was sure nuts about her. All they ever seemed to do was screw. I used to watch them sometimes. I'd sneak into the house in the afternoon, because my dad always took an hour off in the afternoon to get some loving time in.
"I remember how I used to sit and jerk off while I peeked at them, or right afterwards, and how much I wanted to get a girl of my own. Fat chance! We lived at least twenty-five miles from the nearest town. Our nearest ranch neighbor was more than twelve miles away, and even then, there were no girls on any ranch I knew of within fifty miles that weren't married or going with some sheep hand.
"Until I began messing with animals, I remember that I used to think that my only friend in the world was Pedro, our cook and housekeeper. Maybe that was because he was all the mother I ever had. He washed the clothes, cooked the meals, took care of me when I was sick-all the things my mother would have done if she'd been alive.
"I remember having Pedro play with my little dink when I was about six or seven. I began to play with his cock after a while, too, and then I sucked him off a lot. I didn't see anything wrong with it, and it felt good when he sucked my cock. He always used to warn me not to say anything to anyone about it, because if my father found out, he'd shoot us both. He didn't have to tell me to keep our sex secret. I was so scared of my old man that sometimes I would stand and piss in my pants when he was yelling at me. He used to whip me a lot, sometimes with his hand, but mostly with a belt, and I stayed out of his way as much as I could.
"After a while, I don't know how old I was maybe ten or so-Pedro began to corn-hole me, shove his cock up my ass. When he would come in my ass-hole, he would sometimes laugh and say, 'You better than a girl, muchacho.'
"I guess some of the hands must have seen us or guessed what was going on, because when I used to have to do fence work or night herd with one of the hands, they asked me to let them corn-hole me, or suck their cock, a couple of times. I guess they were as lonely as I was for some female. Anyhow, I did let a couple of them corn-hole me, and one of them sucked my cock first, so I sucked his afterwards.
"But all the while, I kept wondering what it would be like to put my cock in a woman. My stepmother was a hot bastard, always kissing my dad and shoving her tits and pussy at him, sticking her tongue into his mouth, wanting him to feel her up, and I think that a couple of times she passed some of it out to a couple of the hands. At least, she played up to them as if she wanted to be fucked.
"I tried hard, for a long time, to be what my father wanted me to be-as tough as any of the hands-but I just couldn't. I was thrown by a pony he bought me the first time I got on, and got a broken arm. When I was better, my dad made me get back on the pony, only this time he made me take a riding whip-a short whip with a leaded handle-and told me that if I couldn't master the animal, I should beat his goddamned ears off with the whip. But I got thrown again, and instead of the pony getting beat, it was me. My old man whaled the hell out of me that time, in front of all the hands, and called me a 'ninny' and a 'sissy-boy."
"I guess if it hadn't been for Pedro, I'd have run away long before I did. He was nice to me in a lot of ways. I liked mince pie, and he'd make one just for me sometimes. He made chocolate fudge, too, and I was the only one that ever got any. And all the time, he was sucking me off and cornholing me, and I was sucking his cock.
"Funny, but all that time I didn't put my prick up anybody's ass-hole. I just didn't want to, somehow. Old Pedro used to ask me if I wanted to do it to him, but I just never did.
"One day, I heard three or four of the hands talking about fucking sheep, and it fascinated me. I had never thought of fucking an animal, but they were making jokes about how good a sheep was almost as good as a woman, they said-and I wondered how I would go about trying to put my cock in a ewe's cunt.
"When I got near the sheep, I began to fool around, sticking my finger up the cunt of a ewe when I knew nobody could see me. One afternoon, I was out with the herd all by myself, just checking them with our three sheep dogs, and I took my rope and lassoed a ewe and tied her in what they call a hobble-a loop that goes around both front legs, so an animal can't run or roam around very far.
"I fashioned a noose and tied her head to a fence post, and then I took out my cock and jerked it until it got hard as hell. I moved up behind her, squatted down so it would be on a level with her cunt, and rammed it in. When my cock went inside that warm, wet cunt, it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It just seemed to surround my whole cock with a good, hot feeling, and when I rammed it in and out, she bucked a little, but finally settled down and just let me fuck her.
"I came inside her cunt, then untied her and let her go back with the rest of the herd. She ran off bleating her head off, and I had my first fuck of any kind.
"After that, I tried it with a lot of sheep, and it got better and better. Hell, I didn't need any girl. I had Pedro and the sheep, and, once in a while, one of the hands. I guess I was a horny little bastard, but I had at least found a way to make my life livable around my old man and his horny woman.
"We kept about six milk cows on the ranch, and I even tried it with one of the cows. I had to stand on a crate to get my cock level with her cunt so I could get it in. She was a gentle old bossy, I'd been around her since I was a little kid, so she didn't try to kick me or horn me. She just shook her head a little when I slid my cock in. but? it didn't work. Her cunt was too big for my cock, and after a few shoves into her, I quit trying and just jerked off.
"It got rough after Pedro died. My stepmother couldn't do any of the things around the place that he had, and my father replaced Pedro with a Mexican couple. I suppose it's hard for a regular person to understand, but I was as lonely for a long while as I would have been if it had been my mother that died-or maybe a wife. I know I missed a lot of things. Not just the sex part of it, but the feeling that, at least, there was one person I could run to when I got feeling low. I felt like I was alone with a bunch of strangers-or enemies, even.
"I guess, for a long time after that, I fucked my sheep at least once a day. I managed to get away from everyone, and I just went to town. When I couldn't make it, because I was sick or something, I would just jerk off, and I'd be thinking of Pedro, with his mouth around my cock, sucking away. Or sometimes I'd imagine he was cornholing me while I jerked off, and when I thought of him like that, I always came good.
"My old man never let up. He was always pushing me into doing 'man's' things, as he called it. He wanted me to learn to ride and rope. He took me hunting, and was disgusted as hell when he found out I couldn't kill. I could shoot, all right, but only at targets-not at anything alive. I guess I had been around animals too much of my life to be able to kill them, but that doesn't make sense, either, because so had my dad. and he could kill without batting an eyelash.
"He was always giving me mean horses to ride. Not broncs, but horses that had a nasty streak, that might just decide to buck once in a while. And when a rodeo was anywhere in the area, all the hands would want to try their luck, and he wanted me to learn to bulldog a steer, rope and tie a calf. Hell, if we'd have had any Brahma bulls around, he'd have made me get on one of them, whether or not I got my neck broke.
"But I was always too scared to really try. I was scared of the animal and more scared of my father watching me, because I knew they were both going to get me, sooner or later. I just managed to hang on for my life, most of the times, using both hands, scared stiff, trying to decide which was hurting most-the bone-jarring bucks, or the beating I knew I'd get later.
"One time, when I got thrown and scratched up pretty bad on my face, instead of beating me, he stormed into the house, brought out some of my clothes, and tossed them on the ground. I was half bawling from the stings on my face, and he yelled at his oldest hand, Slim, 'You take that sniveling snot to live in the bunkhouse with you and, goddamn it, make a man of him if you have to beat the living shit out of him ten times a day!'
"Slim was a hard sonofabitch. I guess that's why my dad trusted him, because he was almost as mean as he was. He just walked over and said, 'Pick up the gear, boy. You heard your pa.'
"I dragged it into the bunkhouse and grabbed an empty bunk and just laid on it. I let go and bawled like a baby. I wished, just for a minute, that I did have the guts that my father had, so I could take a gun and blow his fucking head off!
"There was one young hand, Lew, who was only a couple of years older than I was, and we struck up a friendship that made it at least bearable, for a while. Every dirty, man-killing job he could think of, Slim gave me. I shoveled cow shit, horseshit, groomed the sweaty horses, dug postholes in the hot sun. I don't know what kept me going, because I was half sick all the time. And one day, when we were working together, just the two of us, mending fences, Lew made his pitch.
" 'Ever have a blow job, Len?' he asked quietly while we were sitting in the sun, eating our sandwiches. I knew what he meant, but it surprised me, so I just nodded. 'How about us blowing each other?' Lew asked, moving quickly beside me, unbuckling his belt.
"I remember having a feeling of relief. I hadn't had anything but sheep since Pedro died, and I needed the feel of a human being. I just took my cock out of my pants and beat it a little. It got hard real fast, and Lew took his jeans off and began to do the same. Then he came over and got down between my legs, with his head down and his cock close to my mouth. We laid sideways like that, with our legs cocked up, and I took his cock in my mouth and began to suck it. He did the same, and it was good. I felt that maybe I had found someone like Pedro, that might really care a little about me, and I sucked Lew's prick as hard and as good as I could. A second after I felt him start to come in my mouth, I came in his, and we both kept on sucking until we were hard again.
"I got on my hands and knees and told him to go ahead and fuck me in the ass if he wanted to. He didn't say a word-just mounted me and began to ram his prick in and out of my ass-hole. After he had shot his load up my ass, he told me to ass-fuck him, and I was so relieved and so happy that, for the first time, I wanted to!
"I got down behind him on my knees and moved in so I could shove my cock in his ass-hole, and when I did, I knew that I'd been missing a lot. It was way better than any goddamn sheep. His ass-hole was a lot tighter and it rubbed a lot more of my cock with the flesh inside it than any sheep's cunt would! It seemed less than a minute before I shot my wad into his ass-hole, and then we both went down on each other again, only this time I sucked him off first, then he sucked me.
"All that afternoon, I felt good. I had somebody again. We talked a lot, and he told me he had come from Idaho, and that he'd been an orphan since he was a small kid.
"He asked me why I took the shit I did from my dad and from Slim, and I told him I guess I had to. I had no place to go and not a dime. My dad never gave me any cash money. He said he was putting it away for me, but I don't believe that.
"Anyhow, for about three weeks it got pretty good. Lew and I could always sneak off and suck each other off and ass-fuck, and when we worked together all day at something, we really went to town.
"Then the blowoff came. I don't know how he ever snaked up on us, but that goddamn Slim must have, because my old man came storming into the bunkhouse with a whip in his hand, looking like he wanted to whip somebody to death.
"He lashed at me with it, caught me unaware, and I yelled with the pain. 'You cocksucking little shit!' he screeched. 'I'm going to take your fucking hide off, before I kick your ass all the way to hell!' He began to lash at me, and I tried to duck. When I did, he turned on Lew and began to whip him. But Lew didn't duck. Instead, he yanked the whip from my dad's hand and swung it by the whip end, so the butt of it made a big circle around him. Everybody scattered. Lew wasn't fooling. He'd have brained anybody that came near him.
" 'You dirty sonofabitch, don't you try to whip me!' Lew snarled at my father. 'I'll kick your goddamn brains out!' He swung the whip handle at my father, and for the first time in my life I saw him take a back step and show some fear in his face.
"He just stood there, glaring. Lew spoke to me without taking his eyes off my father. 'Get your gear, Lenny. We're getting out of this goddamn hellhole.'
"I was so scared I could hardly move, but I grabbed some jeans and a couple of shirts and a bedroll, inched by my father, and beat it out the door. Lew called after me to saddle his horse and get one for myself. I headed for the stables, shaking like a leaf.
"Lew told me later that he had told my father that he wasn't taking anything from the place. He'd had his own horse when he came to work for him, and he had a month's wages coming-that ought to pay for the horse I was riding, if he wanted to be that much of a sonofabitch, he told him. He ended up by telling my dad, 'You ever come within a mile of me, you rotten bastard, and I'll kill you!'
"We rode out ten minutes later, and that was the last I ever saw of my old man, or the place. But for the first time in my life, I wasn't scared, even though I didn't have a thin dime, hadn't much learning, had nothing but a half-sick body and no trade, except a ranch flunky.
"Lew and I were young enough that we didn't worry too much about tomorrow, and after I had seen the way he faced down my old man, I felt secure with him to look out for me. Besides, we were free to do whatever we damned pleased about sex, or anything else. I knew my old man wouldn't try to get me back. I could just picture him saying, 'Good riddance to that cocksucker.' I have often had the feeling that his new wife would have been happy to see me go because that way, when the old man kicked off, she wouldn't have to split the ranch and the money with anyone.
"We slept in a hay field that first night, and we sucked each other off before we went to sleep. Next morning, we tried to make a little plan of what we would do. Lew had only seven dollars on him and I was flat broke. We finally agreed that we wouldn't ever get anywhere just going from ranch to ranch, working for peanuts and our keep.
"Lew was good. He was a imagine man with a rope, and he had all the guts it took to climb aboard a bronc or a wild bull or to jump off a horse and tackle a crazy calf or steer. So we decided to try to hook up with some rodeos for the time being, and see what we could do.
"I had no ideas that I could do much except some flunky work, but I did know how to take care of animals, and if I could just get away from the life I had. had to put up with, I didn't even mind shoveling horseshit or even working in a restaurant as a dishwasher or something like that.
"We headed for Cheyenne, Wyoming, because it had the first rodeo coming up that we knew about. You just can't walk up and enter rodeo events--you have to put up the entry money when you sign on, and we knew we had to work for a couple of weeks at something, unless Lew could find somebody to sponsor him, in order to have even a chance.
"We got lucky. We located a horse breeder that had just run in a string of "wild ones'-broncs, for the bronc-bucking event-and he was short a hand, so he put me to work right away. It wasn't much, but it all added up. We got a hotel room with twin beds, and Lew took a job the second day, working on the rodeo arena-fixing, painting, helping with wiring and all that. He was clever at a lot of things, and it looked as if we would make out fine.
"Then, Lew really struck it rich. He was playing games with an old dame that ran a restaurant, hoping she might pass out some free chow, and she took a real liking to him. She came right out while we were having coffee and doughnuts and said, 'If you're half as good as you think you are, cowboy, then you deserve a chance. I'll pay the entry fee for any three events you want to try, and we split fifty-fifty.' Then she looked at me in a disdainful sort of way and said, 'Of course, if you want to pick up a little side money-you know what I'm talking about-see me about that, too."
"It went over my head. But Lew was wise. He told me when she walked away that she meant she needed some bed action, and that she probably had a ball with the young studs only once a year and paid them to really give her a good fucking.
"I'd never thought about Lew going to bed with a woman, and it kind of bothered me. But he said that, with us needing a stake so bad, maybe he'd give it a try. I suppose I was a little jealous, but what could I do? I knew that I couldn't make it without him, and I sure as hell wasn't going to run back home-not if I had to suck cocks for a living.
"So Lew took the old bitch to bed a few times, and he showed me a hundred bucks the night that the rodeo started-plus his entry fees paid in the bronc-busting, calf-roping, and steer-bulldogging events. They were the big-money events, and he seemed sure he could pick up a nice hunk of change, even with some third money.
"I was burning with curiosity, so I asked him how it was to screw a woman-especially an old bag like the one he had been bedding down with.
"He just grinned and shrugged and said, 'Bet-ter'n sheep, Len.' I wanted to ask, but didn't dare, if she was better than I was.
"Anyhow, it didn't seem to take anything away from me, because we had a big time every night when we went to the room, tired as both of us were. We fucked each other in the ass, sucked each other off, and played with each other's cocks until we couldn't take any more.
"In the rodeo itself, Lew surprised everybody but me and himself by winning the calf-roping contest. I had seen him work a rope, and I also half-worshiped him for getting me out of the messy life I'd had. I believed he was a little god that could do anything. He took third money in the bronc-busting, and when we pulled out of there, we had over four hundred dollars and owed nobody a thing.
"He had gotten a lot of information about different rodeos that were coming up, so we headed for a couple of smaller ones, feeling a lot better, now that we had some cash to go on. I didn't like the idea of him sleeping with old bags, and I told Lew so. He got a little mad at first, but then I said, for the first time I could ever remember, 'I love you.' To a man. To this day, I've never said that to a woman.
"He promised he wouldn't whore with women, but I forgot that he was a good-looking, sexy man, with a good strong body that would grab any homo by the balls and make him come up with a pitch. Of course, I didn't know in those days what a homosexual was like. I doubt if I even realized I was one. It was all new to me, being my own boss, able to walk around in the open without trying to measure up to my father, so I wasn't expecting it when Lew hooked onto a homosexual. I know now that a hell of a lot of cowboys that look like real he-men, really go for other guys. Maybe it's because they were raised like me, without women. I don't ask many questions anymore-I just take a guy for what he is, homo or straight, or both ways, like Lew was.
"The worst of it was, this homo Lew grabbed wasn't just another cowboy. He was a cattle breeder that supplied a lot of ornery steers for rodeos all around the country, and he had money. He bought Lew, is what he did, by promising him year-round security. He promised to sponsor him in all the major rodeos; then, in the off-season, Lew would work on his ranch. Work! What he really meant was, Lew would suck his cock and let him fuck him in the ass!
"Anyhow, Lew cut me loose in a small town in California. It was only a weekend rodeo, and Lew picked up a couple of hundred. The night it ended, he came to the room and gave me a hundred bucks. He said he had a good job offer, and he was going to take it. I found out later who it was that had made the offer, and all about how he bought himself some cowboys every year, for studs.
"I remember the last thing Lew said to me as clear as if it was yesterday. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Len, you can make it. You've got a sweet ass. And if it gets too tough renting out your ass, why not give some of the old bitches a chance. There are a lot of them-and-it beats fucking sheep!'
"And he walked out.
"I didn't know what to do. A hundred bucks wasn't a lot of money, and I didn't want to try to find a job in the jerkwater town we were in. So I drifted over into Nevada. I don't know why, really, except that I knew there were still some sheep and cattle ranches operating there, and I could at least make somebody sure that I knew about animals.
"I got a job with a small sheep outfit and I was only there two days when I had a chance to fuck one of the smelly creatures, and I did. But every time I stuck my cock into the cunt of a sheep-and even a couple of times up the ass-I thought of Lew. I guess the owner spotted me for what I was pretty quick, because he fired me after a month. He didn't give any reason-just handed me my fifty bucks and told me to get out. I don't know if he saw me with one of the ewes, or if a hired man that I had played up to in my loneliness had complained to him.
"I had begun to miss having my cock sucked and feeling it going up a man's ass, and this one old bird seemed to me to be about as lonely as I was, so I tried to make a play for him, but he wasn't interested, or didn't know what I was talking about. He was fairly old, and I thought I saw him jerking off under his blanket one night. That was when I went over and asked him if he was all right, or if he wanted anything. He was mad, maybe because I'd caught the old buzzard playing with his cock, and just rolled over with his face to the wall and said, 'Go fuck a sheep, sonny!'
"So I drifted around, taking any job I could get, jerking off or fucking sheep, if there were any nearby that I could get to. And I kept on getting sicker. My chest hurt all the time, and sometimes I couldn't make it out of bed to work.
"Toward the end I couldn't even get a job on a ranch, because I just couldn't keep up with the regulars. I couldn't do range work, and fence repair and that sort of work would just kill me. I couldn't do much but work around the barns and stables, and then, the way I was so sick, all they offered me was my food and a place to sleep. I began to drink a little, just to take away the pains in my chest for a while, and it wasn't long before my money was gone again, and I ended up in a county hospital, a charity case.
"They didn't waste much time in telling me I had tuberculosis, and that I should be in a sanitarium, where I could rest and gain some strength. I gave them a phony name, because I wouldn't ask my old man for a dime if my life depended on it. So, after a couple of weeks, they released me. I was right back where I started, broke, no home, no friends-not even a Lew, this time.
"I could only think of one thing to do-try to peddle my mouth and my ass to some homo who would at least give me a place to flop and some food-maybe even a little booze once in a while. I headed for San Francisco, I was too sick to even try to hold a job on a ranch, and besides, I was pretty fed up with that kind of life. I had had a bellyful of the 'Western he-man' type, like my old man. And, since I had really turned homosexual, I had had plenty of animal sex, too."
* * *
In Lennie's instance, there are definite patterns followed that most psychiatrists believe go into the making of a homosexual. And, at this stage of investigation, two-thirds of the psychologists involved in studies of the homosexual agree that homosexuality is not a disease, nor is it inherited. It is a product of the general background and emotional structure of the individual.
Len was subjected to several strong influences that made his bestiality understandable, and his homosexuality predictable.
First, he was raised in an atmosphere of total masculinity. He was not only motherless, but womanless. There were none of the softening influences of a woman's touch, either in his home life or his personal life. He was a victim of a "camping out" existence, even though he did live on a ranch. He had no feeling of permanency or of belonging.
The harsh, demanding father is often the most causative factor in the making of a homosexual, according to most researchers. Len's father overlooked the frailty of his son and his frequent sicknesses, and insisted that Len be "a man," according to the harsh standards of the father. There was no kindness, no fatherly love or even companionship. It was as if Len were a plastic creature to be molded to conform to his father's ideas of what constituted a man.
When this happens, fear and buried hatred are often the result, as it was in Len's case. A combination of emotions builds up which tends to lead the victimized son automatically to rebel against all the manly traits and actions, and he often becomes effeminate in his speech and mannerisms. He comes eventually to hate men-especially the strong, virile-type man who flaunts his manhood to the world in an overbearing manner.
The natural result of this would be to turn the son toward his mother or an older sister, but Len had neither. The closest thing to a feminine figure he had was the cook-housekeeper, Pedro. In the young child's mind, Pedro actually became a mother-figure, and when he received his first sexual love from Pedro, Len was firmly launched on the road to homosexuality.
Masturbation is the usual sexual relief for most lonely or isolated men; the other is sex with animals. In our urban society, the opportunity for bestiality to occur is often nonexistent, but in the life of Len, and indeed, of most farm children, it is part of the daily living. When the relatively naive Len heard hired hands discussing the sexual possibilities of men with sheep, his curiosity was aroused. When he discovered that it was possible, he utilized the opportunity.
With the loss of his sex partner, Pedro, life on the farm became a distressing time for the youth, during which masturbation and bestiality were his only escape from a harsh and lonely world. Although Len may not have realized it himself, it is quite possible that the taking of a new and young wife by his father even deepened his homosexual feelings. She gave him nothing as a person or as his stepmother and certainly did not inspire his liking her or admiring her as a woman.
Lew was almost the perfect sex partner for Len, in that he exhibited outwardly the manly traits, yet he was homosexually (actually bisexually) inclined in his sex appetites. Len could admire him as a man and enjoy him as a sex partner. After Lew dared defy the fearsome father, Len's feelings for Lew approached adoration. Lew was almost a god, and when Len was deserted abruptly by his "savior and lover," the emotional shock was great, and, by then, the bestial and homosexual patterns had been formed soundly. Even then, these might have been thrown off had Len entered a world of heterosexual relationships. But he did not.
His sickness of body, his despair of soul, his loneliness and inability to cope with the world, led him to excessive drinking. He was ill-equipped to make his way in the world of the big city, and he knew it, but he also knew that his only hope for survival lay in becoming a homosexual prostitute.
It is difficult, even for an expert psychologist studying the sordid pattern of Len's life, to predict what might have happened had his mother lived. Perhaps his father-fear would have driven him to ultimate homosexuality and bestiality, because his father would doubtless have submerged the personality and influence of his mother.
When Len was interviewed, his future seemed hopeless, primarily because he, himself, seemed to want no other life than the one he was leading. He has never sought professional help and seems to remain a solitary, pitiful victim of his lonely past.
* * *
"I didn't have any money, so I headed for one of the rescue missions in the crummy part of the city. At least, I could get a bed and a meal and, I found, meet guys like myself-not homos, but drifters and bums. A lot of them are just plain winos, and I, too, needed some booze before I went stark mad. I'd picked up the habit pretty good, and I latched onto an old wino that told me he knew a place where I could work for a couple of hours, cleaning up the kitchen of a hash house, and get a meal and a buck for some wine. I wasn't much for wine, but I learned fast that a good bottle of muscatel keeps you mellow for a long time, and it keeps you warm, too.
"I learned a lot from that old codger. He was 'straight'-not a homo-and he'd been on skid row for a lot of years, in a lot of towns. He knew a lot of tricks about staying alive, about having some booze and a bed, without having to do much work for it.
"I told him that I was a homo, and he steered me to two places I might connect-an all-night movie and a gay bar.
"I worked at two restaurants like that, about three hours a day, for a week. I stashed the money, except for what I used for muscatel, and slept at the mission.
"One night I stood outside the all-night movie for a long time, but I didn't see anybody go in or come out that looked much better off than me, so I headed fnr the gay bar.
"I knew I didn't look so hot, but I needed some sex and, if I could swing it, a partner that might be able to spare some dough. Even if I was thin and pretty beat-up looking, I was still young. I figured maybe I could grab some older guy that might like his homos young. I didn't mind. Pedro always popped into my mind when I thought of sucking some older man off or letting him corn-hole me.
"I had three glasses of wine, but nobody in the place showed any interest in me except the guy behind the bar. I saw him eyeing me, and finally he came up and said, 'Kind of down on your luck, huh?' I just nodded, and he poured another drink, for free. 'You know where you are?' he asked, sort of wary like.
"I thought I might as well let him know what I was there for, so I answered, 'Yeah. P-'s P-, a gay bar, they told me.'
"He grinned and shoved out his hand. 'I'm Ray,' he said. 'I manage the joint. Maybe I could fix you up with a little something to do to get by.'
"We talked a little about what I could do, and he finally said that he needed somebody to clean up nights, keep the place swept out, the toilets clean, things like that. He said he'd give me five bucks a day and I could sleep in a room upstairs. But most important, he said that I could probably make out good around the bar at night. There wasn't much ad ion during the day, and most of the customers that were 'cruising,' as he called it, looking for some sex-came in at night.
"I went to work that very day. It wasn't bad--all but cleaning out the toilets. Somebody was always getting sick and throwing up all over the place, and that used to make me want to throw up, too. But I got used to it. I always had a few wines before I tackled that job, and I only got sick a couple of times.
"I met my first customer the second night there. He was a nice-looking man, about forty, well dressed. He came in, ordered a bourbon, and stayed at the end of the bar, looking carefully at everyone in the place. I didn't know it then, but he was a stranger to the place. Homos have a sort of agreement with each other. They give one another a list of names of gay bars or contact places in almost any city they might be going to. That's how this man came to be in P-'s.
"He was from Seattle, in town on business, he said later. Anyhow, I saw a lot of the homos in the place staring at him, and he finally smiled and came down and sat beside me. He didn't say anything for a while, but he made a motion to the bartender to pour me a drink. When I raised my glass, he smiled, clinked his glass against mine, and introduced himself. 'I'm Fred. Seattle. New in town, and a little lonely.' It was right out in the open.
"I smiled back at him. 'I know how it is,' I said. 'I've been there ... lived there.'
"He sipped his drink,, eyeing me up and down, then he said, 'Any reason why we shouldn't make the night less lonely for one another?'
"I shook my head, but I didn't want him to make any mistakes. I wasn't going for free, even though I was horny for some fucking and sucking. 'I suppose not, but-' I just let it hang there in the air.
"He smiled a knowing little smile and reached for his wallet. He came up with a fifty-dollar bill, shoving it into my hand so no one else could see. Fred said, with a squeeze of my hand, 'Let's go to my hotel room. That way, we're safe. I'll leave now, pick up some drinks for us, and you come along in a half hour.' He sounded like a businessman making a deal, which I guess he was. He left, and I thought to myself what a trusting soul he was to walk out, leaving a fifty with a complete stranger. But I suppose he saw something in my eyes. Maybe I was so hungry for the taste of cock and the feel of an ass-hole around mine that it showed.
"Anyhow, I had another wine, then walked to his hotel. It was only a few blocks.
"When he opened the door, he was in a nice dressing gown, and it was hanging open, so I could see his prick. He was hung heavy, and I felt my own cock getting harder by the second. I sat in a chair and he poured us a drink. 'Glad you could come, Len,' he said. 'Why not get undressed, then we'll take a shower together and see what happens from there.'
"I undressed and he took off his robe, and we got into the shower. He began to soap me all over, and I did the same for him. We both had big cocks inside a minute or two. He got down on his knees, so the spray was splashing in his face, and began to massage my balls and tickle the end of my cock with his tongue. He really loved it, and he knew how to build you up to a come.
"When he really began to take it in his mouth, and suck it hard, I grabbed him by the hair and helped him, shoving it in hard and deep while he grabbed my balls with one hand and massaged my ass-hole with one finger. When I shot into his mouth, he swallowed it like it was honey.
"We dried each other off, and then went out to the bed. He still had a good hard on, and while I played with his cock, he talked. He seemed to have to explain why he was a homo. He said he was married, and had two kids, and he only dared have sex with men when he was away from his home, because he was so well-known there. He said he had been a homo since he was a kid, but that he had taken psychiatric treatments to try to get rid of his hang-up and had thought he had it licked, but during his first year of marriage, he had to go back to it. His wife wouldn't let him ass-fuck her, and he told me that that was the part of sex with a homo he liked best.
"By the time he had finished, I was ready. He got some vaseline and rubbed it on my ass-hole and all over his prick. That was something new for me. I got on my hands and knees and he got behind me. All the time he kept telling me how he liked a nice skinny ass, because his wife was too fat. When he put it in my ass-hole and began to pump away, he was groaning with pleasure, and I really humped to help him have a good come. He not only had a good one, he stayed right with it and kept his hard on, and came a second time!
"I liked the guy, and when he had washed off his cock and came back to the bed, I went down on him. It felt good to feel his prick in my mouth, and he talked to me real nice while I sucked and licked it. It took a little longer this time, but he came again, and then we had some more to drink.
"He got me hard by sucking and licking my ass-hole, and then he sucked me off again. When I came, he asked me if he could corn-hole me once more, and I told him it was fine with me. I really enjoyed being able to make the guy happy.
"Fred was my first customer, and I thought I was on my way as a pro, but it didn't work out so easy. It was a week before I picked up another man at the bar, and he was drunk and noisy, and I was too scared to take him up to my room. He was a big man, like my father, and he looked tough, even though he had a high voice and tried to hide his homosexuality. He kept on coaxing me to give him a blow job, and finally he offered me twenty bucks. I had gone through the fifty fast, drinking a lot, and I needed it.
"I was sorry the second I closed the door behind us in my room. He just took his cock out, flopped on my bed and said, 'Okay, buddy, suck me off.' I've gotten sort of used to that kind by now, but I didn't like it then. I like a little loving with my sex. Doing it without at least some friendliness is just like fucking a sheep.
"And he wanted his money's worth. He wasn't a homo himself-he didn't suck cocks or let anybody fuck him in the ass-he just liked a blow job. The bartender told me that later. But before I could get the money from him, I had to suck him to a come three times. After that, he couldn't get a hard on anymore, and he gave me the money, sneering at me and calling me a lousy cocksucker.
"I drifted along like that for almost a year, but I kept getting sicker. Finally, I went to a doctor and he told me that the dampness and fog of San Francisco were not good for me, and that I should try a dry climate like New Mexico or Arizona or Nevada.
"My chest hurt a lot and I was coughing most of the time. It got so bad that some of the regulars at
P-'s used to complain. I had saved up a few bucks, and I thought I'd better listen to the doc--and to what my chest was telling me-so I headed for Nevada. I found out fast that guys don't go to any of the gambling towns in Nevada for a blow job-they go to blow their dough on the tables.
"I went broke in a week, and I hit a saloon owner up for twenty bucks, after I had cleaned up his joint from front to back. It was enough to get me to Los Angeles, where I knew I could find some homo action. I had the names of at least six bars that the homos hung out at, and I thought I could make a connection of some sort right off.
"I picked a bad town, because there are so many homos in L.A. that nobody wants a sickly, coughing string bean as a sex partner. I didn't have the money to get to most of the bars, but the bus station is near skid row, where all the missions are, so I headed for one. I got a flop and a meal and a sermon, and I hooked onto a wino who was willing to split his moochings with me for a couple of bottles of musky.
"For the first and only time in my life, I walked the streets, begging. A lousy ass, panhandling for a few swallows of wine. We did good, though, and ended up with four bottles between us, and we just tied a good one on. We just sat in an alleyway and drank, and then fell asleep. It rained like hell that night, and I sprawled in the rain, coughing my lungs out.
"I came to in a hospital, about eighteen hours later. I was in the charity ward of a county hospital, and I felt like my chest was on fire. But they had me doped up, and I could hardly remember what city I was in. All I knew was that I was sick, and I was alone. When they discovered I had TB, they put me in an isolation room. I had hit the bottom.
"I just closed my eyes and went to sleep, hoping I wouldn't have to ever wake up. But I did, and when I opened my eyes, there was my old man standing at the foot of the bed, staring down at me.
I couldn't tell if he was mad or just plain disgusted. All I could think of was how he had managed to find me, after all this time. A doctor was standing beside my bed, but my old man and me just stared at each other. Finally, he nodded to the doctor and said, "That's my son, Len. Get him to a sanitarium for whatever he needs. I'll take care of all the bills.'
"Then he walked out. He didn't say one word to me straight out. I didn't much care. I only wished that I was well enough to run--. I didn't want his goddamn money spent on me-not even to save my life. He had a big hand in making me what I was, and it was far from being a man.
"Next day, I was taken to a sanitarium, and for the next few weeks it was up and down as to whether I was going to make it. But I did. I stayed there a year, and finally they felt I was at least ready to try it on my own. I had put on some weight, my coughing had stopped, and I felt better than I had in a lot of years.
"The day I was released, the doctor that checked me out handed me an envelope. It had a hundred dollars in it, and a note that said: Be a man. That was it. No signature. But I knew he had left it.
"I was tempted to send it back to him and tell him to go fuck himself, but I needed it too bad to be proud. Maybe I could be a man, I thought-not his idea of a man, but at least self-supporting and honest.
"I headed back for Los Angeles. I bought two used suits of clothes, rented a little room for two weeks, and tried to find a job. I hadn't had a drink or any sex in over a year, and I was dying to have some of both. I got all dressed up and headed for one of the gay bars. I needed a blow job and a corn-holing job, and I needed a gallon of wine.
"The wine I drank hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess I passed out cold, because when I came to, I was in my room-I must have made a pitch to some guy-and my few bucks were gone!
"I'd been fucked, all right!
"So, I headed for the nearby bars-the cheap ones where the winos hung out when they could afford it. I didn't even have enough for a drink. But I asked in every one if they could use a swamper, a cleanup guy, anything, so I could make enough money to eat on.
"It was no good. But I got one break, believe it or not, from a woman. Elly was a cheap bar-girl that worked in a beer joint. I don't know what she saw in me, but she gave me a beer and slid two bucks across the bar and told me to get a good meal and come back. I loaded up with a thick steak, had some wine, and then went back.
"She was off duty, but she was sitting at the bar, waiting to see if I would show. I sat down and she bought me another beer and asked if I had a place to stay. I told her my rent was paid for another week, but I didn't have any dough to eat on. It began to dawn on me that she didn't know that I was a homo. She actually seemed to like me as a person-as a man! I began to panic inside. When she came right out and said, 'Why don't you come to my place and stay?' I felt like running out of the joint.
"But I didn't want to hurt her. She had been the first person in years that had really looked at me as a man, and in a way, it gave me a little courage. So I told her I would, but not to expect much of me because I was just out of the hospital.
"She had a nice little place, and it was clean. There was only the one bed, but she came right out and said I would be sleeping with her. She fixed me some coffee and took off her clothes and put on a lacy kind of a gown that showed her tits and her pussy plain as day. I couldn't take my eyes off her body, but the funny thing was, it didn't even stir my cock up a quarter-inch! Only when she bent over to pick up the coffee cup, and I got a look at her nice round ass and the brown spot in the crack, did I feel a little bit of a hard on start.
"She washed the cups, and I was sweating, wondering how I'd gotten myself in this mess. I didn't want her, but I couldn't tell her I was a homo. I watched in terror as she took off the gown and sat on the bed, patting it for me to come over.
"I sat there frozen, shaking my head and not able to say a word.
" 'I'm not that bad, am I?' she coaxed.
"I just shook my head. She got a strange look on her face. Then she began to laugh, real loud, slapping her forehead with her hand. 'Oh, God, no!' She laughed. 'I sure can pick 'em. I had to go and get myself a queer!'
"I just sat there, my head down, feeling like a piece of shit. I wondered why in hell I couldn't be like Lew, who had been able to corn-hole me and suck my cock and then go to bed and fuck and suck a woman. For a few seconds I wished with all my heart that I was back on the fucking ranch with the sheep and cows. At least they couldn't talk or laugh at you.
"Elly stood up and came over to me. She wasn't laughing now, but she wasn't mad at me either. She just looked disgusted. 'Okay, buddy, we both made a mistake. Now, just get your ass out of here, before I puke all over you.' I felt like I had when my old man used his belt on me-maybe worse.
"I got up and went out. That was my one and only try with a woman-if you could call that a try. I guess she was the one that finally made me see what I was. I was a dumb bastard to think I could ever be anything else. I went back to one of the saloons near my hotel and spent my last quarter for a glass of wine. When it was gone, I tried to con the bartender out of another, on the cuff, but he just laughed and told me to go mooch a quarter if I wanted another glass of wine.
"I wandered out and just walked around the streets. I began to think: Why not? A lot of other winos did. I wasn't any better than they were.
"I picked a young guy, somewhere near my own age, that looked like he might have some dough, stopped him and asked if he'd help me out for a meal. He looked at me for. a second, ready to walk away, then he fished in his pants pocket and gave me a half a buck. I started to thank him, but he had already moved on up the street. It was that easy.
"Before the night was over, I had mooched three dollars and a dime. I slept in one of the missions and I got up early next morning and caught the guys on their way to work. I made another two dollars asking for coffee and doughnut money.
"I got a room in a flop house for fifty cents a day and bought some musky and just got drunk. It was dark when I woke up, so I hit the streets again.
"It's not much different now. I have a room in a fleabag hotel for five dollars a week, that's all. The flop joints don't want you taking wine into them, and besides, if you have even a dime, you'll get rolled.
"I work three nights a week cleaning out a saloon, mopping it up, disinfecting the toilets, all that stuff, and that pays my room rent and leaves a little over. If I run real short, I mooch. I can always pick up enough for some muscatel There are a lot of nice guys in this crummy world-even down on skid row.
"I'm still a homo, but sex is hard to come by down where I live. Not many homos go as low as me. But once in a while I pick up a partner--mostly some old guy that couldn't get a woman anyhow, and we just go at it for free.
"I went to an indoor rodeo last year, and it made me think back. I don't know which was the best living with my old man back on the ranch, or skid row. I don't know yet whether people or animals are best for me. I doubt if I ever will."
CHAPTER FOUR
Circus, Circus!
"The thing I remember most about North Dakota is being cold all the time. There was a strong wind, it seemed to me, that had a chill to it even in the summer months. But more than that, there was a cold in our house that no fire could ever thaw. My father hated me because I wasn't a boy. It's as simple as that. He had a big farm, and he raised wheat on part of it, and a herd of cows and pigs. Beside that, he always had a big vegetable garden to raise food for us.
"I was just a piece of property to my father, just like my mother was. He came from Germany, and he was the boss of everything he owned. If he got mad, which was all the time, he would use his fists or a whip, or whatever he could lay hands on at the moment, and beat the person or animal into unconsciousness.
"I'd felt his fist many times before I was twelve. I don't mean whippings-I mean beatings, just as if he were hitting a grown man. Pow! Right in the face or the stomach, and if my mother dared open her mouth, she got it, too, even worse. She was always scared stiff of Hans, my father, and sc was I.
"Even my mother was cold. I suppose she loved me in a way, but she never did show any outward affection for me, or for my father. It was like we were just slaves and he was the master.
"I was so starved for some sign that somebody in the world cared for me that it's no wonder I turned to the animals for everything I could get.
"I think the first time I experimented in a sexy way, I was about nine or so. I don't know what made me think of it, but I guess it was because I used to like to take handfuls of salt and let the cows lick it off my hand. We had some milk cows, and part of my job was to go and bring them in from the meadow every night and milk them. I could milk a cow real good-even 'strip' one, by the time I was eight or nine. 'Stripping' means taking the last drop of milk from the teats. A lot of cows have to have that done, or they go 'dry.' Anyhow, I used to take salt in my hand and let the cows lick it off, and the feel of their big, wet, warm tongue used to give me a good feeling on my flesh.
"I used to masturbate a lot. I slept in a room next to my parents, and I could hear them having sex almost every night. I don't mean making love, just having sex, like animals do. My father's voice would thunder, 'Suck it, woman!' or 'Spread that cunt open, woman!' I just laid there, imagining what he was doing to her, and I would masturbate. I didn't know anything about sucking or fucking then, but I knew that I got excited when they were doing something, and that it felt good when I put my finger up inside me and massaged my knob
"I began to wonder if a cow's tongue would feel as good as my finger, and one afternoon I decided to try it. I knew a cow would lick anything salty, so I got up and laid in the manger, across the hay that was packed in it, and rubbed a lot of salt around and inside my pussy. It stung a little, but I didn't mind. By then, I was so eager to find out what it would be like to feel a wet, warm tongue kissing my cunt, I would have stood any pain. Besides, I was used to hurt. I always had been hurt, and this time, there was a chance that I would at least get some pleasure out of it in payment.
"I decided I would try Geo. She was crazy about salt. In the summer, if I was sweating a little, she would lick my face even, just to get the salty taste.
"I laid there with my legs spread apart as wide as I could, and I held some salt out to her in my hand. When she licked that all up, I moved my hand toward my cunt and, sure enough, Geo brought her mouth over to my cunt and that long tongue rolled out and she began to lick at the salt.
"It tickled when she licked around my pussy, but when she dug her tongue into the lips of it, trying to get what I had put up inside, it was exciting to me. She touched my knob several times with her tongue, and it was as good-maybe betterthan when I played with it myself.
"I didn't get the good, warm feeling that I gave myself, because she didn't keep licking it long enough, but it sure got me all hot, and when she stopped licking my cunt and started munching hay, I only had to play with my knob a few seconds before I got that glow all over my body.
"I tried it with a lot of the cows after that, and when there were calves around, I liked them to lick me best of all. Their tongues were a little smaller, they seemed to go inside me deeper, and they were so clumsy that they sometimes even licked my ass-hole! It tickled when they did that, too, and I always did make every calf lick my cunt.
"We had two men working for us, an old man and his son, Jerry. I think Jerry was about sixteen at the time I'm going to tell you about. He was German, too, and he spoke with a heavy accent. His father didn't speak more than twenty English words, but I spoke good English and German. My mother was born in the nearest town, and she was a second-generation German. My father insisted I learn German, and my mother and the schoolteachers taught me English.
"Anyhow, I was twelve. I had filled out-I always was a little chubby, or stocky, and my breasts were as big as most full-grown women's. I had wide hips, but nice legs, and I had begun to menstruate just before my twelfth birthday.
"It happened in a funny way, and it had to do with Tige, my dog. Tige was just a mutt, a mixture of breeds, and he was like a playmate to me, because there were no other kids around, and I used to make up games to play with him. Anyhow, I was in the vegetable garden and he was romping around, acting silly, and he shoved his nose up under my dress while I was bending over. He used to nip my ass a little, and then I'd pretend to chase him and it was like a game of tag.
"But this day, I was having my period, and he must have smelled the blood or something, because he just left his nose between my legs and began to lick at my pussy. I had a sanitary napkin in me, but it was one of those that don't show. When Tige began to lick at my pussy, it really startled me, but it felt good, so I just stayed bent over and let him do it.
"After he had licked it for a while, I saw that his cock was hard. The red, wet part was sticking out, and he jumped up, put his paws around my waist and began to jab his prick into the side of my leg. He'd never done that before, and I was too surprised to stop him at first. But then I got scared that my father or mother might see us and we'd both get a beating, so I slapped him hard and pushed him away.
"But I got thinking about it later that day. I had never thought about Tige licking my pussy, and I had liked it from him. I wanted to give him a good chance at it, so when I went to get the cows, he was along. He was always somewhere close to me.
"When I was out of sight of the house, I pulled up my dress and sat on the ground with my legs spread wide. I took out the sanitary napkin and called Tige. He came over, got down on his belly, crawled up between my legs, and began to lick at my pussy. I lifted my ass up so it was easier for him to slide his tongue in, and he really gave me a thrill. I still had to masturbate after he stopped, to have a good come, but I liked having him take me that far with his tongue, and I figured that with some practice it might work out so that I could really come while he was licking my clitoris.
"After that, I used to shove little strips of meat up my cunt and Tige would lick at them and sometimes even use his teeth to get at them, but he didn't bite-just nibbled at it, and that was even more exciting. One time, I was extra hot and I wanted Tige to lick me from the back while I played with my clit, so I got on my hands and knees and called him over. I had some meat shoved up inside my cunt, and I had rubbed it over my ass-hole. I liked it when he licked my ass-hole, too. But after he gave a couple of licks, Tige mounted me as if I were a female dog and began to pump away, trying to get his cock inside my cunt.
"It was sort of exciting, so I just tried to raise my body higher so he could get it in. I could feel it jabbing at my ass-hole, but that was as far as it would stretch and Tige shot his juice all up the crack of my ass. I had to masturbate then and there, I was so hot. I used to try that often, but Tige never did get anywhere close to putting his cock in my cunt.
"To finish what I started about Jerry . ... He walked into the barn one day and saw me on my hands and knees, with Tige going wild as he pumped away, panting and half whining!
"I thought I'd faint when Jerry walked in. I just scrambled up, leaving Tige walking around, his hind quarters jerking back and forth.
"Jerry had a wicked grin on his face, and I was as red as a beet. I tried to pull down my dress, but when I did, he stepped up and grabbed me between the legs! His fingers went right up inside my cunt and he began to move them around, and it felt so good that I almost forgot that he had an awful secret about me, if he ever wanted to make me do something.
"He put his other hand on one of my breasts and began to pinch my nipple. 'If you want it bad enough to have a dog do it, Gerda,' he chuckled, "how about me?' Then he began to kiss me, sticking his tongue in my mouth. That was the first time a boy had ever kissed me, and it got me as hot as a cook stove. His tongue was going in and out of my mouth and his fingers were playing with my clit, and it made me all shaky and scared. I wanted to do it so bad, but I was afraid to.
"My mother had explained when I began to menstruate that I could get a baby if I ever let any boy put his thing' inside me, but it wasn't that I was scared of-it was that my father might catch us.
"I was getting dizzy from the excitement, but I pushed Jerry away, saying, 'Somebody might see us!'
"When he stepped back I could see that his pants were bulging out and I wondered what his cock looked like when it was hard.
"He looked scared for a minute, then he came close again and began to kiss me some more, pulling me close to him with his hands around the cheeks of my ass. He began to rub his hard on against my cunt, and make little moaning noises while he stuck his tongue in my mouth. I couldn't help myself. I began to move my ass around in a slow circle so his cock was really moving over my pussy.
"Through the kiss, Jerry mumbled, 'They're all out in the fields. C'mon, let's do it!' There was a big pile of burlap bags nearby and he flung me down on it. I watched in fascination as he took his pants down and his cock popped out, stiff and long!
"He almost threw himself down on me, then spread my thighs with his knees as he shoved his cock into my cunt. It felt like it would split me wide open, but after a couple of jabs, it began to go in and out easier, and after the first shock of his thrusting it in so deep, I was able to feel it rubbing my clitoris hard as it went in and out. Jerry began to kiss my mouth, moaning and gasping as he speeded up his jabs, and I relaxed completely, forgetting all about anyone catching us at it.
"I began to meet his thrusts and I could feel the tip of his cock going deep inside me, making my pussy come afire. We were both moaning and rolling around and a second after I felt his hot juice shooting into my cunt, I had my orgasm. It was like being in heaven! I'd never dreamed that it would be that good-that exciting, yet calming. My whole body felt warm and full of happiness. I wrapped my legs around Jerry, kissing him wildly, wanting more of him.
"But he pushed me away, got up, and put his pants back on. He acted scared, as if he just realized what he had done. 'You better not tell!' he growled as he went out the barn door.
"That was my first screw. I had loved it. It had made me feel beautiful, for the first time I could remember. It's hard to explain, but it took some of the fear out of me and, for just a little while, I had been awfully close and dear to another person.
"Jerry and his father lived in a two-room shack on my father's land, about half a mile away, and they ate their noon meal with us. I tried to catch his eye next day, but he wouldn't even look at me. I was disappointed. I thought he would feel all bubbly and glad inside, like I did, but he just kept looking at his food, ignoring me.
"After a few days of it, I began to really want to screw again, and I wondered why he didn't. I played with myself, and I even had Tige lick my cunt once, but it just wasn't as good as Jerry had been. I daydreamed about how it felt to have his cock going deep inside me, and I would get all hot again and have to go and play with my pussy.
"I got so frustrated one day that I even had one of the cats we had on the place lick my clit. It was entirely different from when a cow or calf or Tige did it. A cat's tongue is more tickly. It's got sharp bits of flesh on it that make it feel harder, and I liked it, but I couldn't come that way.
"I began to take a look at the boys in school with me. None of them had ever even become friends with me, but since my breasts had grown larger and my body filled out. I knew that a couple of them had been giving me the eye. I'm not a pretty girl, and I was on the chubby side, but I could see something in their eyes. I decided to see what they would really do if I let them know that I wanted to screw. One night my father had to go to a Grange meeting. That's where all the local farmers get together and talk business, and since they had to come so far, they always turned it into a social thing afterwards. They brought the wives and older children, and usually had a barn dance.
"It was one of the few times a year I was allowed to go to town, and I knew all the kids from school would be there. I was getting awfully anxious to have some more cock inside me and getting awfully fed up with dogs and cats, because it always ended up in me having to play with my clit and have just a half-good come.
"While the Grange meeting was going on, the kids all gathered at the school, where the dance was going to take place, and Mark, one of the older boys, began to fool around with me, teasing, making sly feels of my ass, and coaxing me to take a walk with him. He was a big kid, maybe eighteen, and kind of dumb, but he had a strong, masculine look about him that made me wonder if he wouldn't know a lot more about screwing than Jerry had. I told him I'd go, but that we had to be back before the meeting ended, because my father had warned me to stay where he or my mother could watch me.
"We walked toward the edge of town, where it was dark, and no sooner had we gotten on a dark side street than Mark began to play with my breasts while we walked. I began to get hot, and he slid his hand down the crack of my ass, his fingers touching my ass-hole and the lips of my pussy as I walked, and I could see that he was getting a big hard on. All at once, he pulled me into an alley between two buildings, unzipped his pants, and took out his big cock.
" 'Suck it!' he ordered in a gruff voice. 'We ain't got much time.' It startled me. I had never thought about that, and his cock was so big that it. frightened me. Besides, I couldn't see where I would get any kick out of sucking his cock. It would be good for him, but I would still have to masturbate.
" 'No!' I said, pushing him back. 'I ... I don't want to. I want...."
"He interrupted me by moving in quickly and slapping me hard across the face. 'Suck my cock!' Mark growled. 'You don't think I'd put my cock in a dog-fucker!'
"It didn't register for a couple of seconds, but then I realized that Jerry must have told him. Nobody else could have. I felt myself blushing, and I began to back away, but Mark grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm, his cock still in his other hand. 'On your knees, dog-fucker,' he ordered. 'Or I tell everybody about you and that dog of yours and Jerry!'
"He was twisting my arm gradually so that I had to either get on my knees or he would break it. I sank to my knees with a moan. He grabbed my head when he let go of my arm, held my hair tangled in his fingers, then shoved his prick into my mouth. I knew better than to close my teeth, and it slid deep into my mouth, gagging me for a few seconds. But then he began to shove it in and out of my mouth and it wasn't too bad. In fact, when I began to suck on it, feeling it going in and out of my mouth, it got me sort of excited. I hoped that if I satisfied him by sucking it good, he might want to fuck me afterward, so I did the best I could, using my tongue and teeth.
"When I felt him coming, I sucked harder and swallowed the juice he shot into my mouth. I grabbed his ass with my hands, plunging it in deeper, really excited now, but when he had finished, he shoved me roughly away, tucked his cock back into his pants, and walked away, leaving me alone in the alley, on my knees, all hot, but so ashamed I thought of running home. I didn't want to face all the kids. They all knew about me and Tige by now, I thought.
"But I was too afraid of my father. I'd rather face the kids than him.
"I went back to the school, and I felt that everyone in the place was staring and laughing at me when I went into the gym.
"When the grown-ups all gathered and they began to dance: I just sat on a bench in the corner, feeling miserable and alone, even in the crowd. My father was drinking quite a bit, schnapps. He seldom drank, and never at home, but this night things must have gone good at the meeting. He almost smiled at me when he asked me why I didn't polka with some of the boys. I couldn't meet his eyes, and I just shrugged and said nobody had asked me to dance yet.
"He motioned to a man I didn't know, and called, 'Hans. You dance with my girl, yah.' It wasn't a request or an invitation as much as a command. Hans grinned and came over, and we began to dance. He must have been about thirty, and he was short and sort of fat. I learned later that he had a prosperous farm about twenty miles away and that he was single and what they called in our part of the country, a 'good catch.' My father still went with the old country idea of parents arranging marriages, and this was his way of seeing if I pleased Hans, now that I was getting close to womanhood.
"We didn't say a word. We just danced until the sweat was pouring off both of us. When the dancing broke off for an intermission, Hans took me by the hand, walked up to my father, and asked, 'We take little walk, yah?'
"My father slapped him on the back and grinned. We walked out and down the street, without a word. Hans was holding my hand, walking faraway from me, as if he were a shy schoolboy with his first date.
"After a bit, he looked slyly at me and said, 'Gerda, I need woman.'
"Just that calmly. No love words. No buildup. No caring about me. Just a flat statement that he needed a sexual outlet. He smelled of sweat, and his clothes were rumpled, food-spotted and old-fashioned-farmerish. He was homely, fat, could hardly speak English, and my father was getting ready to peddle me to him.
"I said, 'You mean ... to marry?'
"Hans nodded, grinning at me as his eyes went over my body hungrily. 'Yah, I talk to fadder soon. I take care of you.' He reached out and pulled me to him, his hand going to my breast as he tried to kiss me. His breath was foul and his teeth stained from chewing tobacco. I acted automatically. I pushed him hard, turned, and ran back to the school as fast as I could, leaving him standing there staring after me stupidly.
"This time, I wasn't afraid. I knew what my father was up to. I ran to the school and found one of the teachers standing outside, smoking a cigar. I asked him if he would drive me home. I said I was sick, which was only a half lie. He hesitated a moment, then nodded and led me to his car. In a half hour, I was home and packing my clothes. I didn't know where I was going, but I'd had enough for one night, what with Mark forcing me to suck him off, and ugly Hans acting as if I were already a piece of goods he was buying.
"I was just leaving the house when my father's car pulled into the drive. I froze. I was in the kitchen, and I just stood there, wild-eyed, unable to move, when he walked in. His face was like a black cloud, his eyes glowing with hate. 'Oh, yah!' He spat when he saw the suitcase. 'You tink so?'
"He must have left in a terrible hurry, for my mother wasn't with him. He walked to the window and took down a razor strop from a hook. He slapped it against his hand as he walked toward me, and then, without warning, he raised it and swung hard for my face! I was too frightened to even duck, and it cut deep across my cheek and the back of my neck. I felt the blood rush to the cut, and he began to swing the strop in a frenzy of hate, lashing me across the back and the legs and face.
He must have hit me ten times, as I staggered back, trying to shield my face with my arms; finally, a surge of pain came over me and I fell to the floor unconscious.
"When I came to, I was in my bed and my mother was washing my body with a warm cloth. My father was not in sight. As the pain came rushing back, I began to sob and tremble. My mother went on washing the wounds, making soothing little sounds in her throat, but then she began to justify my father. 'You were bad, Gerda,' she said. 'You defied your father. You have to be good-listen to him. He's your father.'
"I was too much in pain to think straight, but I made up my mind, then and there, that I'd make it the next time I ran away.
"He wouldn't let my mother call a doctor. Maybe he was afraid he'd be arrested if anyone saw the cruel marks he'd left all over my body and face. He kept me out of school for three weeks, until they had healed, somehow, and he glared threateningly at me when he told me, 'You tell people you fell out of tree, hear?'
"During the weeks I had been ill from the beating, I hadn't seen a living soul. But he did let Tige come into the house, and after I was able to move without too much pain, I began to have Tige lick my cunt again. I even played with his cock a few times, and once I felt so sorry for him when he tried to fuck the side of the bed, that I got him up on the bed, took his cock, and put it in my mouth and sucked it until he shot his load into my mouth!
"I didn't care what dirty names they called me!
Tige was the only decent thing in my whole life-the only thing I could trust not to try to hurt me!. . .
"My mother kept grocery money in a sugar bowl, and I stole twenty dollars. Mother and father always went to bed early, because my father was up at five in the morning, and when I heard him snoring loudly, about eight-thirty, I got up, took a jacket and nothing else, and walked to the highway, about three miles away. I had Tige with me, and it took me almost an hour before a car stopped. It was a produce truck and a young man was driving it. I got in the front, with Tige beside me, and told him the truth-that I was running away from home.
"He looked at the scar along my cheek, pursed his lips, and started the car. He took me to a town that was only thirty miles from Bismarck, and I got a bus early in the morning. Only they wouldn't let me take Tige. I cried and begged, but they wouldn't let him on the bus, so the last I saw of him, ever, he was running up and down the platform, looking for me. I waved, but he didn't see me, and when the bus pulled away, I just cried my eyes out.
"I never had felt this alone in my life, and I was scared-almost as scared as I was of my father. It was raining when I got into Bismarck, and I was hungry and tired, so I went into a restaurant and had breakfast. I had over fifteen dollars with me, and I just walked, looking for a place to stay. I was all mixed up. Finally, I saw a sign that said, Rooms, Day or Week, and I knocked on the door. But the woman that answered asked me right off how old I was, and I was too scared to lie. She shook her head and slammed the door, so I kept on walking. I came to a big open space, and saw the tents of a carnival, and I wandered among the tents and wooden stands where they had the games. I'd been to a carnival once, and it had fascinated me.
"It wasn't open yet for the day, but there were a lot of people around, busy, paying hardly any attention to me. I saw a woman taking in some costumes, and I went up to her and spoke. I asked her if she knew if I might get a job with the carnival. She eyed me up and down, and finally asked, 'How old are you, kid?'
"I told her I was sixteen, but I could tell she didn't believe me by her grin. 'Runaway?' she asked, eyeing me sharply as if to warn me to tell the truth this time. I nodded. She smiled and said, "That's better. Don't be lying to carny folks. Most of us are running from something. Now, come on with me. I'll tell 'em you're my niece, and we'll see what we can work out.'
"I didn't even know what a lesbian was, then, or even that a woman could have sex with another woman. But Ella was one of the hootchy-kootchy girls in the sideshow-a stripper-but she hated men. I didn't realize it then, but I did, too. I hated and feared them, and it was easy for Ella to win my confidence. I had never had any love or affection from my own mother, and Ella was old enough to be my mother. She lived in a trailer that was small, but it had cooking facilities, a shower, a little living room that had two studio couches on each side, and a toilet.
"She fixed me a sandwich and a cup of tea and then she disappeared. She came back a few minutes later and said she had told the carny boss that I was her niece, that mj mother had died, and that she was the only relative I had. She said it would be all right if I stayed with her, and if a job came up in one of the concessions, she'd see that I got it.
"She was so warm and nice, and it was such a change from the grim life I'd had-everyone seemed to be extra nice to me-that I knew I'd never again go home.
"I slept most of the afternoon, but I wandered around for a while watching the people. That night, Ella sneaked me into the sideshow, and I watched her and two other strippers put on a show. They took a lot off, and showed most of their breasts, but they kept a G-string on their cunts, and I watched Ella taking hers off after the show was over. She was shaved all around her pussy, and it looked like a little girl's without any pubic hair, except for the flaps of flesh that hung out of the crack. It was sort of exciting to me, and I couldn't quite figure out why I would get hot, looking at another woman's cunt.
"When we went to the trailer, I found out. Ella stripped and took a shower, then asked me if a shower might not make me feel better. I had never had one, but I wanted to see how it felt having the water spray down on my body. I started to take my dress off, but Ella came up and took my hands away. 'Let me, baby,' she said, breathing heavily as she took off my dress, then my pants. I didn't have a bra on, and when I was naked, she began to run her hands all over my breasts, then my stomach, and finally she ran her hand down between my legs, cupping my mound and letting one finger go up between my cunt lips.
"I was so fascinated at what was happening inside that I didn't move. I was puzzled that I was hot for sex with her, just as if she were a man. When she moved her lips close to my mouth, I opened my lips and let her slide her tongue inside, playing with hers with my tongue and teeth. Her hand was soft and gentle on my pussy, her fingers gently massaging my clitoris, while the palm of her hand felt so good, with a gentle pressure on the lips. And her kiss was something I'd never dreamed of. She kept inhaling, as if to draw the breath out of my body, while her tongue probed and flicked in and out of my own mouth.
"Inside of a minute, I was the hottest I'd ever been in my life. I wanted her to do whatever she could to me, to make me come.
"She murmured through the hot, tonguing kiss, for me to get in the shower. I didn't even want to be apart from her for that long, but I backed in, and she entered the tiny cubicle with me, her naked body brushing mine. She adjusted the water temperature and when she turned on the spray, the water was warm and exciting, and she took a bar of soap and began to rub me all over. Her touch was loving-a touch that I'd never felt before, and her hands went smoothly over my breasts, caressing me as much as lathering me, and then she moved down to soap my pussy and the crack of my ass, her fingers sliding in and out of both openings, while her lips were busy sucking the nipples of my breasts.
"I was so eager to have her suck and lick my cunt that I could hardly wait to shower off the soapsuds, and when I stepped out, she took a big, rough towel and began to dry me off. It felt good when she rubbed it hard on my breasts, and even more arousing when she used the rough towel to dry my pussy lips and my ass-hole.
"I took the same towel and dried her, where she had gotten wet in the shower with me, and I rubbed her nipples and pussy lips like she had mine. It fascinated me to see her naked cunt, and I suddenly wanted to lick it, like Tige had licked mine. I knew that I could go a lot deeper, and that I knew the right places to touch with my tongue and teeth, and when we got on one of the studio couches, I was almost as eager to kiss and lick her cunt as I was to have her do mine.
"She made me lie on my back, and she began to kiss and lick me, starting with my neck and mouth. She moved down slowly, and all the while her hands were busy massaging my pussy and my breasts or kneading the cheeks of my ass.
"When she finally was down between my legs, she was on the floor on her knees, with my ass pulled over so it hung over the edge, and she kissed and licked and sucked at my thighs, near my cunt, until I automatically reached out and tangled my fingers in her hair, pulling her mouth to my cunt.
"She began to moan and mutter, and her teeth and lips closed over my clit and she began to suck and lick and nibble, and I couldn't help but think how much more beautiful it was than Tige, or any cat or dog, could ever be.
"Ella set up a slow rhythm that allowed her hard tongue to start at my ass-hole and cover the entire length of my cunt, rubbing hard over my clit with each up-and-down stroke, getting me close to a come with every stroke. I pulled at her hair to let her know the pace I needed, and suddenly she latched onto my clit, shoving one finger up inside my cunt, deep, and another on the other hand, deep inside my ass-hole. Her teeth scraped over the outer flesh of my clit, while she sucked it deep into her mouth, setting me on fire. Then, I just let go. I let Ella do it all her way, and she sucked and moaned and bit until I came in a whole series of orgasms that shook me from my head to my toes! I forgot all about the yesterdays, all about everyone and everything-even my father. I was aglow with a fire inside my body, and I just wanted more of Ella's sweet mouth and tongue.
"When I came down out of the pink clouds, I could hardly wait to pay Ella back for the joy she had brought to me. And I was curious about how I could do it to her, and whether I could give her the same thrills that she had given me.
"When she took her mouth away from my cunt, she moved up and kissed me, long and hard, with her tongue going deep into my throat. She rubbed my pussy, touching the clit, and I reached down and began to play with her naked cunt. I took her big clit between my thumb and forefinger and rolled it around the way I used to do when I played with myself, and she began to moan and roll her hips.
"I began to play with her nipples, and gradually she took a position where she was straddling my face, with her wide-open pussy near my mouth. She poised herself so that she could play with my titties while I sucked her cunt, and I really wanted to taste it. I had often stuck my fingers up my own pussy and then tasted them, but I wanted to feel her big clit in my mouth while I sucked it and nibbled it, like she had done for me.
"I used my tongue first, licking the inside of her thighs, just letting it flick against her pussy lips, and then she began to lower herself down on me, as I sucked at her clit and nibbled it. I reached beneath her and ran a finger up into her ass-hole and moved it in and out, and after a moment she began to bounce up and down, regulating the rhythm of the contact with her clit and her ass-hole. With a groan of pleasure, I felt her clit bobbing up and down against my teeth in a wild, jerking series of movements. I sucked and bit-I really bit hard-letting my teeth rake over her clit madly. I loved the feeling of being able to give her sexual pleasure, for I had never known such thrills as she had given me.
"I remember that I tried to get in so deep that the sharp, stubbly hairs around her pussy rubbed my mouth almost raw, but I didn't care.
"When she had come, she climbed off my face and took a position on the couch where her head was between my legs and my face was close to her pussy, and we began to kiss and lick and nibble each other's pussy and shove fingers up inside cunt and ass-hole, and we just lost ourselves in a rolling, bucking, moaning sex orgy. We came almost at the same time, and then we just lay there, licking and kissing tenderly.
"I knew that, at last, I had found someone who loved me, and whom I loved. At least, at that time, I did."
* * *
In the case of Gerda, it is evident that the prime reason for bestiality, her loneliness, evidenced itself early in her life. She was the victim of a harsh environment, with extreme parental neglect creating a loneliness which she knew only one way to combat: by having a sexual relationship with her pets. That she became paranoid is also clear. Paranoia and neglect are usually a part of a pattern of sexual aberrations such as bestiality.
When Gerda reached the onset of her sexual aggressiveness she felt a need for sexual outlet that manifested itself in her masturbation and her engagement in sexual acts with animals. At best, however, these can only satisfy temporarily, and at their norm they can only frustrate the individual.
This frustration-the realization that having a dog lick her vulva and clitoris was far from satisfying-subconsciously led her to want sex with a human male. In a sense, she doubtless wanted to be discovered by a male other than her father, in the hope that he would attempt to have intercourse with her.
But fear is almost as strong as the sexual urge, and Gerda's body was a constant battleground where fear fought sexual need and desire to a standstill.
Once she had tasted normal sexual relations with a male (Jerry) all the floodgates of normalcy were released, pouring her girlish sexual needs out in a torrent of emotions which confused and bewildered her. She wanted Jerry to repeat his rape of her, to become her sex partner. When he refused (probably because of fear, also), she actively sought out sex among her companions at school.
When she was forced to fellate an older boy, she was inwardly shocked and appalled at his callous attitude, and was left empty of emotion because she received no sexual satisfaction from the act. She had followed the pattern of her entire life giving, and receiving nothing but abuse and frustration. She felt that she actually received more affection, both sexual and emotional, from her pet dog. She had no one to turn to. She tried to throw herself at the boys in her small circle of acquaintanceship, and ended up feeling she was being peddled by her own father like a piece of livestock, to a man who was repulsive to her.
Driven to despair, knowing that the best she could hope for from her father was another cruel beating, Gerda followed the pattern of thousands of sexually and emotionally frustrated girls: she ran. It is significant that she did try to take her pet, her sole companion, with her. When even this was denied her, she was ripe for any type of sexual or emotional approach by either man or woman.
Her naivete concerning lesbianism is also understandable, for she was seeking tenderness and love much more than sexual fulfillment. Her amazement at the wonders of lesbian love is understandable in the light of the fact that most of her sex had been involved with the licking of her clitoris by the tongue of an animal. Basically, the lesbian act consists of oral stimulation and fulfillment, which was precisely what Gerda had been used to.
As we shall see, as her account continues, Gerda quickly became dissatisfied with lesbian love. This, too, is understandable, for, no matter how brutal and ugly it had been, she had had heterosexual contacts, and she realized that it fulfilled a basic need in her much more than did bestiality or lesbianism.
From interviews with this woman, it was obvious to gather, that she needs the love and kindness of a good man much more than anything else. This opinion was confirmed by a psychiatrist who was consulted concerning Gerda, and he was of the opinion that she would ultimately, under professional care, come to this conclusion and forsake her sordid way of life, which had become half human, half animalistic in its nature.
* * *
"Ella was awfully good to me. She got me a job working one of the ball-tossing concessions, and for the first time in my life I felt that I was a worthwhile, liked, and wanted human being.
"Of course, nights were wonderful for us. We made love almost every night. I used my tongue and fingers on every tiny spot on her body, and she seemed to find new ways to bring me to the peak of ecstasy with her fingers and mouth and her body. She would often have me lie on top of her; we'd rub our cunts together, with me pumping up and down as if I were a man. It felt good to me, but it didn't bring me to orgasm. But Ella's clit was so big and stuck out so far that she could actually come while I was doing that to her and kissing her mouth and ears and neck.
"But after a while, I began to have an uneasy feeling. I began to have sessions with her where I couldn't come at all. I wondered what was happening, because it had been so wonderful having sex with Ella at the start.
"I began to think of somebody else while she was mouthing and biting my clit, and the image finally came clear to me. I was thinking of Jerry! I was imagining that his cock was going inside me, while Ella was sucking and licking my cunt!
"One day, while Ella was in town shopping, I lay on the couch and played with myself with my finger, but it wasn't too good. I remembered seeing a long glass tube-the kind that long, expensive cigars come in-in a drawer, and I got it out and began to shove it in and out of my cunt, putting constant pressure on my clit. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Jerry on top of me, sticking his cock deep inside me. I had a good come that way, and I began to use it often. I even put some adhesive tape around it to give it a little rougher surface, and that made it even better.
"One night Ella caught me fucking myself with it. At first she just stood there, staring. Then she began to smile. 'You have had a man fuck you, haven't you?' she asked. I had told her that I never had had a man, but now she knew I had lied.
"She took off her clothes and dug into the bottom of a drawer and came out with a strange-looking thing. It was shaped like a big plastic cock, head and all, and it even had fake balls on it. It was attached to a belt.
"Ella strapped it around her waist and stood there. The prick stuck out stiff and straight, and I began to understand its purpose. She smiled and said, 'If it's fucking you want, baby, I can give you that, too.'
"She spread my legs with her hands and got between them. I was already hot and wet inside, just looking at the gadget, wondering how it would feel. It was awfully big. Ella inserted the head of the dildo into my pussy lips and slowly lowered her body so that the dildo was thrust deeper inside me. When it began to slip in and out easily, she began an up-and-down motion with her ass that drove it in and out of my cunt with almost the same effect as a man's cock would have. It rubbed against my clit, then moved in deeper, touching the inner walls of my cunt, and the huge size of it made it seem almost like a man's cock. The plastic picked up the heat from my pussy and it seemed like a big, warm prick inside me.
"Ella began to kiss me, bobbing her ass so the fake cock went in and out regularly, but I closed my eyes and remembered Jerry fucking me. I had a good orgasm in a minute or so, but I missed the feel of warm come inside my pussy. It was good, but still not as good as a real live man inside my cunt.
"Ella was all hot by then, and she told me that she would like me to strap on the dildo and fuck her; so I tried it. I was awkward at first, but once I began to get the rhythm of it, it satisfied her and she had a good orgasm. I noticed that she had closed her eyes, too, and I wondered if she were dreaming that a man was fucking her.
"After that, when I masturbated, I always used the dildo, and I always dreamed of Jerry. Sometimes I took it in my mouth after I had used it, and sucked on it, recalling how it had felt to be made to suck a cock, but that didn't turn me on at all.
"It was the dildo that finally got me on the road to the sex circus where I work now.
"I was lying on the couch one slow afternoon. I don't know where Ella was, but at that time she was paying a lot of attention to a new stripper that had joined the show, and she often stayed out all night. She seemed to have lost interest in me, and now, when I used the dildo, I often dreamed of how good it felt to have Ella's tongue inside me. But I felt sort of empty inside after I used it, or my fingers, to masturbate myself. But I was using it this one afternoon when the door of the trailer opened and in barged Eddie, the spieler of the girlie show.
"I had never talked to him. I think that Ella had warned him to stay away from me. I didn't like him much, anyhow. He was skinny and small, with a sickly look on his face, and his eyes always seemed to be flat, like a snake's.
"But Eddie walked in and caught me with the fake cock shoved deep inside my cunt. I was moaning, just about to come, rolling around to make it touch all parts of my cunt, and there he was, wide-eyed, a sneaky grin on his face.
"He gawked at my open pussy and my breasts, and said, 'I thought you'd get tired of that goddamn lesbian sooner or later. Now, it's Eddie's turn.'
"He locked the door and walked toward me, his pants already bulging in the front from a hard on forming. I admit, I wanted a man-even this cheap imitation of one. Of course, I didn't know then that he was a pimp, and that he fronted for the strippers in the sideshow and a couple of the other girls that were whores. At that moment, all I could think of was that any man's cock would be better than a dog's tongue, a woman's tongue or fingers or clit, and, especially, better than a cold, nothing gimmick like the dildo I was using.
"He took off his pants and I was surprised at the size of his cock. He was such a scrawny character to have a prick that big. I took out the dildo and dropped it on the floor. He climbed on me, panting and almost drooling, his cock hard and erect, now. I spread my legs wide and he eased it into me. When it was inside, he let go with all his weight and all the pumping power in his ass. He drove it deeper with every stroke, and he acted as if he hadn't had a fuck in about the same length of time that I had gone without.
"I just wrapped my legs around him, and his fingers went under my ass, digging his nails into the flesh, pulling me even tighter against him, while he rammed it home to me, hot and heavy.
"I came twice before he did, and then finished off with a good one while he was shooting his last drop of come into me.
When he climbed off, he wiped his cock on the tail of his shirt, and stared at my body. 'Christ, you're a good lay!' he finally said. 'You really like it. Why not make some dough with that snatch and have a good time at the same time?'
"He was suggesting that I become a whore, yet it didn't seem like a bad idea at all. I was getting tired of lesbian loving, and, also, Ella's coldness. I had verified, in my own thinking a few moments ago, that I needed and wanted a man's cock inside me. So why not get paid for it?
"I smiled at him as he climbed into his pants. 'How and where?' I asked.
"He sat on the couch beside me, playing with my nipples, talking heatedly. 'Look, you're young stuff. Guys go for that. They pay extra for the young ones. These broads are old hags compared to you. Come stay in my trailer, and I'll set you up with at least three a night-maybe more. You can get twenty dollars a throw, baby, and you keep half. How's it sound?'
"It sounded good. I guess I thought at the time that I would be able to get my loving from Eddie, but I know now that no pimp really loves his whore. He needs her and he bleeds her, but he never cares anything about her, outside of the money she can make.
"I moved into his trailer right then and there. I left a little note, thanking Ella, and telling her it was for good. I was afraid that she would get into a big argument with Eddie, but she must have been relieved to be rid of me, because the next day I noticed that another girl had moved in with Ella, and that was that.
"It was my one and only lesbian affair, but I'm glad I had it, because now I know that it isn't for me.
"Eddie worked it out so that, while he was getting ready to make his pitch for the strip show, I would be standing nearby, eyeing the men in the crowd. When he had finished, he would circulate among them, and even go inside and talk to any of them he thought he saw eyeing me. He'd tell them I cost twenty bucks. I would head for the trailer, and Eddie would bring them there, being careful that no nosy cops spotted him and the customer.
"The first few weeks were exciting. It seemed daring to me, and that added even more to the excitement of it. I got some strange customers, young, old and middle-aged, and I found out that the one thing most of them wanted was either a blow job or a fuck up my ass-hole, I asked some of the nicer ones about that, and the reason seemed to be that their wives or girl friends just wouldn't go for that kind of sex.
"I liked it better when they wanted a straight fuck, of course, because I just let go and really gave it all I had. I had an orgasm every time I had a man fuck me, and after a while, when I had a corn-hole customer shove it up my ass, I learned to masturbate myself at the same time. I found I could come pretty good that way.
"But we got careless. One smart guy thought he could get his money back, so he complained to the town police that he had been 'rolled' while he was screwing me, and we were arrested. We spent the night in jail, and the next morning we paid a fine and were told to leave town. We had to, anyhow, because we had been fired the minute the cops arrested us.
"So, we headed for Los Angeles. Eddie said it was a good town for whores, but he didn't know what he was talking about. There are more young, beautiful, sexy girls passing it out for free in L.A. than any other city in the country, I think. like I said, I'm not pretty, and with the scars all over me, a lot of guys just won't buy. And I'm still on the chubby side. I'm big-boned, like my father, and I always did weigh too much.
"So, we headed for San Diego and tried it there. We worked out of a motel, at first, and we didn't do good at all. Eddie began to get nastier and nastier, and he often slapped me around. I guess I was almost as afraid of him as of my father, but, whatever the reason, I didn't walk away. I suppose I needed him as much as he needed me.
"We couldn't afford the imagine motel on the few tricks I was turning, so we moved into a cheap hotel near the Navy base, and Eddie started peddling me to sailors.
"But they wouldn't pay more than ten, some not even that, and Eddie took in a colored girl to work with me. Her name was Melba, and she was on narcotics. We got to be fairly good friends, and I started on drugs. First, it was just marihuana, but then I went to heroin, and inside six months, I was hooked good.
"As soon as Eddie knew how badly both of us needed our fix,' he had us where he wanted us. He cut our take to whatever he wanted to give, and the price for Melba and me began to go down steadily. Finally, Eddie told us to take off. He threw us out, and we didn't even have food money, let alone enough to keep up our habit.
"We talked it over. We had been to Tijuana a couple of times, and I knew that if there was any place a whore could get a job, it was there. But it was the same, story as in L.A. Worse, you could pick up a Mexican girl in any bar or on the streets-and some of them were young and pretty-as young as fourteen or so.
"After a full day without a fix, we were desperate. We asked a taxi driver where we could get a job. We told him right out that we were prostitutes. He knew we were desperate, and he told us that whores were a dime a dozen in Tijuana, but that if we wanted to join a 'sex circus,' he might fix us up.
"And that's how it happened. Melba puts on a sex circus with another girl and two men, and the customers just watch, get into the act, or hire any one of the four afterwards.
"My act is with a dog, and, on special occasions, with a monkey. I simply get on my hands and knees and let him fuck me, like Tige used to try to do. First, of course, I rub meat in my cunt and make him lick it and nibble it; sometimes I use a cat for a starter.
"The pig thing gets extra money-not for me, but for the guys who run the joint. The thing about it that draws a crowd is the odd shape of a pig's cock. It's sort of like the tail, in a curling form, and long. It's almost impossible to be screwed by a pig, so I just play with his cock and get it hard, and if the customer wants to pay extra, I suck it.
"I've ended up where I started, getting my sex from a dog and masturbating. Melba doesn't go the lesbian route unless she has to, for fix' money. I don't either. Sometimes, I wish I had a man-even an Eddie-to fuck me. but when they find out you're an 'animal lover' in a sex circus, even the lowest class Mexicans don't want you.
"I don't know what the end will be. You keep going-hoping, sometimes. I used to blame a lot of people;-mostly my father-but, I don't know. I had chances to do things differently, and I was too weak to take them. I guess, in the long run, each of us is what we choose to let the world make of us."
CHAPTER FIVE
The Love Trainer
"I've lived in a world of animals all my life--goats, sheep, cats, dogs, cows, pigs--even a couple of pet monkeys--horses. My father was a veterinarian and I learned to love animals from the time I knew what they were. My dad loved them, too-that's what made him such a good vet.
"We lived in a fairly large town that was in the middle of farm country, and I used to travel with my dad a lot of times, to tend sick animals.
"When you grow up with animals like I did, sex and mating just seems a natural thing. That's what my daddy taught me, that males and females were created to have sex, both for the pleasure of it and to have young.
"Maybe that's why I was such a soft touch for Martin, the first boy that ever really had me. Martin lived near us and he was about nineteen at the time. I had let some of the boys fool around with my titties and even feel my fanny and my pussy through my dress-at parties, but that was all.
"Martin was altogether different. He had been dating girls a lot, and he knew all the places to touch and kiss, to excite them. I was only thirteen, but I was allowed to have dates-with groups of kids, anyhow-and my mother and dad trusted me. To tell you the truth, I trusted myself, too. I had never been turned on by any of the fooling around that went on.
"I guess that I really hadn't even thought about boys that way-sexually, I mean. I masturbated, but I think that when I did, I was concentrating on myself and not imagining that any boy was doing anything to me. Most of them were so crude when they made a grab for me that it scared me. I felt much more at ease around animals, and we had plenty of them. My father had a little animal hospital to keep animals in, and I was like a little mother or nurse to most of them. Also, we had three dogs and five cats of our own, and I was always rolling in the grass with the dogs, and I always had a couple of the cats sleeping with me.
"I remember a couple of times when the dogs would mount me and try to screw my leg I would slap them down. My dad took time out to explain to me that any male animal could be aroused by the smell of a female-even a human female-and that it wasn't nice to let an animal mount you like that. So I always batted them down and scolded them when they tried it, but I was also fascinated by the way the red, wet part of their cock came out, all hard and angry looking, and when I would watch animals mate-my dad thought it was good that I understand all about those things, so he took me along-I would get a funny feeling between my legs. When I got home, I would play with myself, and I guess that I kept the picture of the animals in my mind while I did it.
"I remember one female cat we had. When she was mounted by one of the tomcats, she just yowled and rolled all over the ground after he had screwed her. I wondered how good it must have felt, the way she acted, and, naturally, I was curious about sex between men and women.
"So, I was at this party, and Martin was there. He was a lot older than most of them, but he was the brother of the girl that was giving the party, so it was all right. We played a lot of kissing games, and everyone coaxed Martin to get in on them. He was a little embarrassed, but he finally gave in. Since he was older than most of the kids there all the girls wanted to be paired off with him in the games. Young girls are like that.
"When we were playing post office, it so happened that I was chosen to start, and I called Martin's number by luck, the very first one.
"When he stepped into that dark closet, I felt a tingle go up my spine, and when his arms went around me and I felt his lips against my ear, and his tongue sliding into it, I just went limp. I'd never felt like that before. He pulled me close, with one hand roaming over my breast and the other sliding down my back. He didn't stop when he came to my waist, but just let his fingers rub over the crack of my ass, while he switched his lips to mine.
"I couldn't stand still. I had ants in my pants. I squirmed and rolled my hips around, wanting to feel his cock against my pussy. I kept picturing the cocks of some of the dogs and wondering if his was like that. Of course, I knew it was different, but what I wondered then was if he was circumcised or not-whether the red, wet tip of his cock would come shooting out from the fold of skin that covered it, or if it was just a big, dry, purplish head.
"He almost made me faint, and then he whispered, 'We'd better give somebody else a chance. But let's sneak away and take a ride in my car later. Can you?' I gasped that I could, and went out, feeling as if everybody in the room was watching me, I was so hot and bothered.
"The reason why that night is so clear in my mind, you'll hear later, and, believe me, I remember every little detail perfectly.
"We sneaked away about a half-hour later, I had it fixed with my girl friend to tell my father or mother that I was just outside, having some air, if they called, and we left.
"Martin pulled up outside of town in the local lovers' lane. I guess all towns have them, but this had a dozen paths leading off into the deep woods, and we were completely alone. The moon was shining bright, and the nearness of a grown, sophisticated man was heady stuff for a girl of thirteen. I was tingling with desire and anticipation.
"We got out and he began to kiss me, undressing me as he did so. His hands were like fire on my body, and he kept kissing me as he dropped my clothes-my breasts, my stomach, finally burying his mouth in between my legs, his tongue flicking around my thighs, touching my pussy lips and my clit, driving me out of my mind.
"He took off his pants and I saw what a difference there was between his cock, and those of horses, dogs, and goats. He was circumcised, and he had a big prick, and I wanted to feel it inside me to see if it would make me go as wild as the female cat had, after she'd been fucked.
"Martin began to kiss my body all over again, after he'd laid me on the grass. When I felt his hand on my cunt, I just threw myself at him. I wanted him to fuck me. But, all of a sudden, he raised his head from my nipple and asked, 'How old are you?'
"I lied and told him I was seventeen, but he shook his head and chuckled. 'No way,' he argued. 'Not with those titties and that pussy with hardly any hair on it. You're jail bait, Jane!'
"I felt my body trembling. I wanted him to do it to me, and I coaxed him, 'Please, Martin-do it to me. I want it bad!'
"He shook his head and stood up. 'No chance. I forgot to bring a safety with me and I'm not knocking up any teenage girl, no matter how good a screw she might be.'
"I looked up at his hard, erect prick, and I wanted it more than ever. 'Please-do something!' I begged.
"He looked down at me, my body white and beautiful in the soft moonglow, and he got down on his knees between my legs and mumbled, 'It's eating pussy, anyhow.' He lay on his stomach and moved his mouth close to my cunt, spreading the lips with his fingers. Then he plunged his tongue inside, rubbing and licking my clit with his in-and-out motions while he ran his fingers up inside my pussy, clawing at the walls of it.
"I came so fast that it surprised him, because he got up and said, 'You're a hot little cunt. I wish I'd had a safety with me. But-there will be other times, won't there, doll?'
"I was still in a daze from the way he had made me come, and I just nodded. He said we'd better get back to the party before they got suspicious, and we dressed and drove back. I draped all over him, rubbing his cock through his pants, wishing I could take it in my mouth and suck and kiss it. I was red as a beet when we walked in, and I saw the jealous glances of most of the other girls. The boys just leered at me as if they had all been watching Martin and me.
"Martin drove me home and we made a date, but I never got to keep it. At one-thirty that night, my dad had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. He died on the way.
"I never felt so desolate in my life. I didn't realize until he was gone, what a big part of my life he had been. My mother was never half as close to me as my dad, and I had never realized that, in fact, she was fooling around for years with another man. She waited a month to marry Calvin, and hell started for me, from the day she did.
"Cal was a sonofabitch-a drinker, a chaser and a ass. What mother ever saw in him, compared to a kind, good man like my dad, I'll die wondering. But she married him, and he moved in.
"My mother had to take a job in a department store in town, and Cal worked at odd jobs-nothing steady, because few people wanted him around. Anyhow, it left me alone with him a lot, and he didn't wait long to make his move.
"The first time, he was drunk. I came home from school and he was lying on the couch in the living room, stark-naked! But he wasn't passed out. He had it all planned. He'd just enough booze to make him brave enough to grab me, and when I tried to get into my bedroom and lock the door, he just laughed and slapped me across the face.
" 'Get them clothes off, Janie girl,' he commanded. 'You and me is going to have a good fuck!' I was scared, but I couldn't keep my eyes off his cock. It was as big as Martin's, and he was holding it in one hand, a wild look in his eyes. I didn't know what to do. It was three hours until my mother would be home, and Cal was a big man. I was scared, at first. But he began to jerk his cock, and he wasn't circumcised and when I saw that red head of his cock shoot out from under the skin that covered it, I was fascinated. I didn't get turned on, but I just couldn't stop watching him jerking off.
"He came over and stood close to me. 'Want me to take 'em off for you?' he growled. I just began to unbutton my dress and slipped out of it, letting it fall to the floor. I wasn't wearing any bra, but he reached out and tore my filmy panties off me. He just stood there, ogling me, drooling and playing with his cock. Then he pointed to the couch he'd been lying on and said, 'Get that cute ass down there, Janie, so we can get at it.'
"I walked over to the couch and he went wild. He came rushing at me, actually jumping on me, knocking the breath out of me. I was dry inside my pussy, and when he began to jab his cock into me, it hurt at first. But then I began to loosen up. I knew there was nothing I could do. I just spread my legs wide and let him go ahead. He was rough and crude-he didn't give a damn about me or how it felt to me-he just jabbed and hammered his big cock home, and inside a minute, while I was all tense, trying to figure out how I really felt about it, he shot a load of hot juice into my pussy. He hadn't done a thing for me. It wasn't as good as masturbating, in fact.
"He climbed off, and he had an ugly look on his face. 'You open your mouth about this, girl, and I'll beat your fuckin' ears off and throw your ass out on the street!' he snarled. He went into the bathroom, leaving me in a mixed up mess. I knew enough about impregnation to know that I could be in trouble. He'd shot a big load into me, and I knew I could get pregnant. I went into the kitchen and washed out my pussy as best I could in the sink, and then I went out to think it all over. I knew I should tell my mother what had happened, but I was a little afraid that she might just take his version-and I knew he'd swear up and down that I had tried to get him to fuck me-or he'd deny it ever happened.
"I walked out to the pens-they were empty now, where there had always been such nice animals. It made me feel better, just remembering the animals, with their mournful eyes, and how my dad had loved them and worked so hard to make them well.
"My pussy hurt. He was brutal, and he had rammed his cock so deep and hard into me that I was sore. I was sore inside, too, because I had always thought that fucking would be so much different-that it would be a big, wonderful experience. Suddenly, one of my dogs, a big, beautiful collie, came up and began licking my hand. His tongue felt so good, so soft and tender and warm, that I wanted that same feeling on my cunt!
"I hadn't put my panties back on-they were torn-so I just raised my dress and said, 'C'mon, Rex-c'mon!' I guided his nose up to my spread cunt, and without any more orders he began to lick it! It felt so good-so soothing! I squatted down a little, and he began to touch my clit with his long, wet tongue. He was so gentle-licking it so slowly, it was almost as if he knew what I wanted and needed.
"I reached down and began to rub my clit with my finger, watching his hot tongue licking my pussy, and in a few seconds, I came! It was so good. It was a relief, because Rex was doing it because I wanted him to, not because he was a male that wanted to dominate and fuck a female! That's exactly how I felt. I was actually grateful to him-a dumb animal-for licking my cunt!
"I couldn't sleep that night, remembering that bastard, Cal, and then contrasting the gentle touch of Rex's tongue to his big, ugly cock, ramming into my cunt. I fought a battle in my mind about telling my mother, in the hopes she would have the bastard arrested, or at least would throw him out in the gutter where he belonged.
"But I didn't tell her. I was still too lonely. For whatever it was, I needed the secure feeling of at least having a home.
"Remembering the good feel of Rex's tongue in my pussy, I masturbated a little and went to sleep with my fingers inside my pussy. I dreamed that night of all the animals I had loved so, and of my dad. I didn't know which I missed the most-my dad or my animal friends.
"I thought a lot about Martin, and his sucking my cunt, and his words about me being 'jail bait,' and I wondered if some of the younger boys might really give me the kind of sex I wanted. I wanted to be screwed, but I wanted it to be a loving kind of fucking, with someone who didn't force me, and who wanted me to enjoy it, too.
"I made a date with a boy named Dave, but when I told my mother I was going to a movie, that bastard, Cal, refused to allow me to go! He had the guts to tell my mother that I was too young! After the sonofabitch had raped me! After that night, it was open warfare between us, and my mother was forever bawling me out for sassing him and not respecting his wishes. She was so damned hung up on him that she couldn't see the way he was always sneaking feels or ogling me, as if I were a whore. I stayed away from Cal as much as possible, but about a week after he had got me the first time, he did it again.
"It was Saturday, and my mother had to work until nine. I was finishing my shower when Cal came home. He was half drunk, but he knew what he was doing. He heard me in the bathroom, and he must have taken off his clothes and taken advantage of his chance, because he opened the door and stepped in, stark-naked. His cock wasn't hard, but it began to get that way while he eyed me up and down. I had stepped out of the shower and was drying myself when he came in, and he snatched the towel away and leered at my pussy. 'Nice and clean and sweet-that's the way I like my pussy.' He grinned.
"I felt trapped. It wouldn't do any good to try to fight him or to yell. When he grabbed me and hugged my body close to his, kissing my neck and nibbling at my ears, I had a strange feeling. I was getting excited by the fee" f his prick shoving up against my cunt, but I hated him with a passion. I guess I came to the decision to just make the best of it and see if I could get some satisfaction out of being fucked by a bastard like him.
"But Cal came on the same way as before. He just wanted to be the big lover and to hell with the woman. He had to get his rocks off, and he didn't care what happened to the girl. I couldn't help but wonder if he was that way with my mother, and if he was, how she could take it.
"He just dragged me into the bedroom-his and my mother's-and pushed me back on the bed. By then, his cock was hard and he was ready. And-so was I. I had done a good job of conditioning myself. If I .was going to be fucked, then I was going to enjoy it.
"I'll be damned if lie didn't bend down, flop me over on my stomach, and begin to kiss my ass! I don't mean the cheeks-he spread it with his hands and began to lick my ass-hole, then he shoved his tongue deep into it, and I began to understand what my mother saw in him!
"I was in a fool's paradise, though, because he was just building himself up, not me. After I was ready for anything, Cal raised up, took his cock in his hand and, positioning himself behind me, spread my ass cheeks with one hand, and guided his cock to my ass-hole with the other.
"I guess I had seen dogs-male dogs-shoving their pricks into the ass-holes of other dogs a hundred times, but I had never thought much about it. I always thought that when a male and a female got together, it was cock and pussy. It had never dawned on me that a man would shove his cock in a woman's ass-hole when he had a wet, hot, willing cunt there.
"And it hurt. I wasn't prepared for it, and it not only shocked me, but it hurt like hell when he went in all dry. No vaseline-no nothing-just his fat, hard cock going in and out of my ass-hole, rubbing me raw.
"But after a while, my ass-hole loosened up and his cock began to slide in and out easily, and although it didn't do anything for me, in a funny way I enjoyed it. I guess it was flattering to think that a thirteen-year-old girl could be more attractive to a man-even a man like him-than his wife. And I guess there is a certain egotistical accomplish ment in a girl taking a man away from her own mother.
"He shot his load up my ass before I could even get with it. Then he crawled off, hauled ass, and sat in the kitchen, drinking wine, while I seethed and wondered what in hell any man could ever give any woman! Was there any man that cared a damn about anything except shooting a load of come into some part of her body?
"I just wanted to run out and have Rex lick my pussy again--just for the feeling that someone or something would do something for me-bring me pleasure-a n d ask nothing for themselves! Sounds crazy, I suppose, but I wanted to be the big wheel, the one that counted, mattered . ...
"I went outside and called Rex, and good old boy that he was, he came up, and when I showed him what I wanted, he licked my cunt. He acted as if it were a privilege, not an act of animalistic sex. I think I loved Rex more, while he was doing that for me, than any thing or person in the world.
"Rex used to get a hard on while he was doing that to me, but he would just go away and lie down and lick the wet, red part of his cock carefully, and pretty soon it would die away to normal.
"This time, I felt sorry for him. I knelt down and let him lick my mouth, and I reached around and took his cock in my fingers and masturbated him. He seemed uncomfortable while I was doing it, but he held still and began to move his ass in and out, as if he were mating with a bitch. I couldn't make him come, though, and I stopped and spread my legs wide and let him lick my cunt some more.
"I played with my clit while he was doing that, and I came.
"When my mother came home, I wanted to tell her what kind of a bastard-rapist she was married to; however, she was tired and just bitched because the house was messy.
"But I made up my mind that that was the last time I'd let that bastard, Cal, touch me. I was becoming an emotional case-a wreck. I knew it wouldn't have been bad if he'd been gentle, or if he had done something to make me come. I just felt dirty, the way Cal jumped on and off.
"There was a circus in a town nearby, and I wanted to go very badly. I wanted to see something bright and happy, and see the animals-especially the wild ones who did tricks for animal trainers. I was used to every kind of farm or ranch animal, but I was always fascinated by wild ones from other countries.
"Although my mother had to work, I finally got her to let me go with one of the girls at school, whose family was going.
"At the circus, I just wandered around the cages, watching the lions and tigers, the hippo and the gorilla, and the crazy monkeys that seemed to be the happiest things in the world, romping around, playing games, making love-being just free. I fed them peanuts and a couple of the small ones took them from my hand and let me pet them a little. It brought back so many of the memories of good days, when there were a lot of animals around-and I had my dad.
"It was a wonderful day, and when I got home, loneliness closed in on me something terrible. I felt that I had been in a world where I belonged, somehow, and now I was a stranger in a cold house with an uncaring mother and a fuck-crazy stepfather.
"I took Rex for a long walk down by the river, and I sat for a long time, just thinking, petting him. I remembered how the monkeys would play with themselves and with each other, so simply, without shame, and I wondered why I didn't have anyone like that. It was then that I decided to try to let Rex put his cock in my cunt. I had seen enough animals mating to know the positions that each had to take, so I took off my panties and had Rex lick my cunt for a while; then, I played with his balls and his cock until the red, nice part of it was standing up hard and angry looking.
"I got on my hands and knees and he went right at it. He mounted me and began to pump away, just as if I were a female dog. I knew he couldn't really reach my pussy enough to get it in me, but it felt good, just knowing that he was trying to screw me because he loved me. I tried to heist my ass up higher, but it didn't do much good. Rex was shoving his cock as far as it would go, and the best he could do was rub it against the very bottom of my pussy lips. I reached down and began to play with my clitoris, and about the time that I felt Rex's hot juice shooting against my legs and a little on my pussy, I had an orgasm, too.
"It's difficult to explain, but it was good for me. I felt that I had been having sex with someone that I cared about and who cared for me. It wasn't like that animal, Cal. He was more of an animal than Rex was.
"Of course, I knew that no animal could ever really fulfill my sexual needs. I was already ripe for a man-not an animal, like Rex or Cal, or even like Martin.
"I was ready to take the big step into sex, with all the trimmings, and I was just going crazy, putting up with rape that hurt me and didn't give me any sexual satisfaction, and trying to fill in the big spaces with Rex's tongue and cock, or my fingers, or a hairbrush handle. I was really desperate. I had no one to turn to. The boys at school didn't do anything to turn me on, and I suppose I wanted an older man-one who knew how to treat a girl in bed.
"What put the clincher on it happened the next week. I came home from school on Thursday, and Cal knew that that was the night the department store stayed open until nine, and that my mother would be working. When I came home, he was naked in the living room, lying on the couch, and he was drunk.
"I tried to ignore him, but I couldn't. He roared at me: 'You git your clothes off, girl! Now! You and me, we're going to have sex like you never heard of!'
"I was a little scared, but on the other hand I still had a vague hope that he might consider me, and what I needed and wanted; so, I just went into my room and took off all my clothes. I walked back out into the living room. He was lying there, playing with his cock, and in one hand, he had his belt! I prayed that he wasn't going to use it on me. I didn't know why he should-I was willing to submit to whatever he wanted, in the forlorn hope that he might still have enough manhood in him to really give me a good screwing that would make me come good!
"His cock wasn't hard, but he was playing with it and it was half hard. When I walked out naked, he looked at my breasts and my pussy, and he jerked his cock harder, but it didn't seem to do much good.
"I stood there, a few feet away, wondering about the belt, and all of a sudden, Cal began to talk in a whiny voice. 'Honey,' he said coaxingly, 'I've been mean to you-real mean. I know it. I'm a bastard. I don't deserve to have a daughter like you. I want you to punish me!' He held out the belt to me, and I took it, almost in a daze. I didn't know anything about masochism, then.
"I stood there, the belt in my hand, wondering what was next. Cal looked up at my pussy and breasts, with a different look on his face than I had ever seen. He was almost like a bad little boy, caught stealing cookies, waiting and expecting a whipping.
"And, all of a sudden, I wanted to whip him! I wanted to hurt him in payment for all the hurt he had given me-all the frustration-all the cheating he was doing on my mother. I just wanted to hit him and see him crawl and beg me to stop. Before I realized what I was doing, I raised the belt and brought it down on his body! I was aiming for his soft cock, but he moved a little, automatically, and I caught him a good one on his belly! I could see the marks that the edges of the belt left, and I went wild. I began to whip him with it, as
I hard as I could, and the oddest thing was, I began to get all excited-I mean my pussy was getting hot, and I couldn't take my eyes off his cock, which was getting harder all the time.
"The more I beat him, the better I felt, and the hotter I got! And Cal seemed to love it. He even rolled over, so I could belt his ass and his back, and I laid it on good! I beat him until I could hardly catch my breath, and when I stopped, his cock was hard and erect and my pussy was dripping with juices!
"He held out his arms, and I went into them. I covered his body with mine, and without even thinking, I straddled him and he reached down and put his cock into my cunt. He then grabbed me by the ass cheeks and we began to move up and down, meeting each other's thrusting bodies, turning each other on with our kisses!
"I felt I was in command, and it was wonderful. He seemed so eager to please me, to make me come, and in a couple of minutes, I did. It was a minor come, but I knew there would be more and better ones, so I kept on driving my cunt down over his up-thrust cock, and I had another-then another-each one getting bigger and better. I began to bite his tongue, then his lips, and when I tasted blood in my mouth, I felt wonderful! I was making him pay for everything.
"At the end, he was begging me to make him come--to let him come! I was straddling him, and I sat up so that I was using his pelvic area for-a seat, his cock going in and out, but only the way I wanted it, because I had all the control. All Cal could do was thrust his stiff prick up. It was me that was making all the moves, and I maneuvered so that he was hitting every tiny corner of my cunt with his hard cock. I deliberately held off my come, liking the look of pleading on his face as he wriggled his hips, thrusting his ass up high to make his cock more available to me-to make it go in deeper and better for me.
"Finally, I-came real good-the best ever-and I bounced up and down so fast and hard on his cock that Cal couldn't help himself. He shot a big load up inside me, and then I just relaxed, collapsing on top of him and biting him-his ears and his mouth-really biting, while he just rolled around, moaning and begging me not to stop!
"It had been the best ever feeling for me, and I suddenly felt different. I felt grown, a woman, with a hell of a lot of confidence in my body and a lot of power in my ability to make a man go down on his knees before me. I know now that I had switched from a lonely masochist to a complete sadist, but that can happen in a flash.
"After that, for about six months, I enjoyed sex. I used to love the feeling of that belt in my hand, and the way Cal begged me to stop beating him. It always ended up the same-both of us so goddamn hot we couldn't stop coming, once we got to it. We did it every way possible-up the ass, sixty-nine, from the back, standing up-and the odd part was, the rougher we were with each other, the better it was for me and, I guess, for Cal, too.
"My breasts were always a mass of bruises where he bit me and clawed me with his fingernails, and his body was always bruised and scabbed over where I beat him with a belt and clawed and bit him. It didn't dawn on me at the time that my mother would wonder about the marks on Cal, but I found out later that when he had sex with her, he made her beat him that way, too.
"In a way, I needed Rex more than ever to kiss and lick my cunt. It was usually so sore from the wild sex with Cal that it felt soothing and good to have him lick me, and a couple of times I even tried to let him fuck me again, dog-fashion. It was good for him, but it didn't do much for me.
"Then we got caught. I guess we had gotten pretty careless, because one afternoon we both forgot that my mother worked a short shift, and about four o'clock she walked in and found us in her bed, fucking like mad! She acted almost automatically. She grabbed the belt that I'd used on Cal, and she laid it on both of us, in a frenzy of hate. I had the idea that it was me she wanted to really destroy, and when she reversed the belt so that she was hitting us with the buckle, Cal crawled away, tackling her, and really beat the hell out of her with his fists!
"She screamed foul names at him and fought and clawed until, finally, he stopped beating her. She got up and staggered into my room and began to throw all my clothes and things out the window! I just stood there, naked, watching her. Cal didn't say a word to stop her, and I knew that that was that. Oddly, I wasn't frightened. If it had happened a few months before, or even a few weeks, I'd have been in a panic. But I knew, somehow, that I could get by. Maybe it was the whipping of Cal that had made me feel strong and confident, or perhaps it was the feeling I had built from the sex sessions, that I was a woman, not a little girl.
"I took two suitcases and went out and gathered up my things. Not a word had been spoken between the three of us. I left the suitcases outside and walked back in. Cal was glaring at my mother, and she grabbed her purse and took out all the bills she had and tossed them at Cal.
"He picked them up, counted them, then reached in and emptied his wallet. There's seventy-two dollars,' he said gruffly. 'You keep in touch. If you need anything, I'll see that you get it.'
"I said thanks, took the money, and left. And that was that. I had already been thinking what I would do. I guess it had been in the back of my mind since the day I went to the circus. I wanted to be around animals and work with them. It had always been taken for granted, I guess, when dad was alive, that I would become a vet, like he was.
"I caught a bus to Indianapolis, where I knew the circus was, and in I walked-fourteen years old and alone in the world, but with a lot of confidence that I could make it.
"I asked if they had a vet with the circus, and they directed me to his trailer. Just for a second, when I knocked on the door, I felt my heart sink, because if he turned me down, I didn't know what I would do. A voice bade me to come in, and I opened the door and saw a gray-haired man, big, craggy-faced, reading a big book.
"He looked at me in surprise, and I began to talk rapidly, wanting to get my speech out before he could stop me. 'My dad was a vet,' I babbled. 'I wanted to become one, but he died. I love animals, and I want to get a job where I can work with them. I-I'm good. I love working with animals.' It came out in a rush and it sounded disorganized, but he began to smile, and I felt at ease, heaving a big sigh.
" 'How old are you, girlie?' he asked. I told him the truth. 'Run away from home?' he continued. I took a deep breath and again told him the truth. 'I was thrown out by my mother and my stepfather. She caught him trying to rape me.' That was a lie, but it sounded reasonable to explain my being there, asking for a job. He nodded and stood up, shoving out his hand.
" 'I'm Adam.' He smiled. 'Maybe we can work something out, if you really want to become an animal doctor.' For some reason, he reminded me of my dad, and I trusted him instantly. He was a homely man, but he had a kindness in his eyes and his smile that put me at ease.
* * *
There is a recurring factor in the psychological making of a sexual pattern that leads an individual to engage in sex with animals. That factor is loneliness.
In the account given us by Jane, we see it as the motivating force behind her mild indulgence in bestiality. She lived in a beautiful world of love and trust, while her father lived. She and her father shared a love of and concern for animals to such a degree that Jane wanted to follow in her father's profession and become a veterinarian-a somewhat rare choice for a female.
Then her world changed drastically with the death of her father, for she not only lost him and his close companionship and love, but, as a result, the animals she was so used to having around were no longer there. Because of her closeness to her father, Jane had almost chosen not to be as normally close to her mother as most young girls are. Thus, she found herself alone, in her own thinking, and she felt that she had only one familiar friend left in the world-Rex, her pet dog.
Her sexual development added to her confusion and frustration, and her experiences with the boys only led her to believe more than ever that men were, for the most part, cruel and self-centered, and her respect for and love of animals increased further. She had begun to develop an antipathy toward men already before the rape occurred at the hands of her stepfather. Yet,, a feeling of self-pity was also present, and these two emotions combined to make a good background of sadomasochism in Jane. That is, she mistrusted and disliked men, she felt that the world had cheated her, and she felt sorry for herself.
Psychiatrists now feel that masochistic and sadistic tendencies are often about equally balanced in most persons, and the scales can tip in either direction to allow one or the other aberration to become dominant.
The same factors were very strongly present in her stepfather, Cal, for we see from the account given by Jane that he was a weak, undisciplined man who needed to be dominated by a woman, yet who, when he came across a person whom he considered weaker than himself, let his sadistic tendencies take over.
Ultimately, they exchanged roles, for when he succumbed to the need for physical and emotional abasement and punishment, Jane's sadistic element came to the fore.
Unfortunately, Jane could not remember anything concerning the sexual situation between her mother and her real father. It is quite possible that, being a soft, gentle man, as she describes him, Jane's real father was somewhat masochistic, and her mother had held a sadistic sway over him. Whether or not this reached the point of physical abuse is questionable, but when a sadistic, domineering woman loses a submissive, masochistic sex partner, she often subconsciously seeks out another. This would seem to have been the case with Jane's mother and Cal.
When Jane felt that she was literally "in the driver's seat," because of her sexual domination of Cal, she was free to pursue her sexual desires to the limit. As she explored many sex patterns, she gained confidence in herself as a person and as a woman and submerged all her masochistic tendencies in a burst of self-confidence. She was at the very peak of her sexual aggressiveness at this period. Recall, if you will, that she had made overt advances and attempts to have sex, and when she was given command of the sexual scene between her and Cal, she freely engaged in and greatly enjoyed all sorts of sex.
It had not entered Jane's thinking that she was living in a world of adult sex, or that, in spite of her promiscuity and experience in all kinds of sex, she was still immature in her approach to sex as it tied in with her emotional character.
When she came face to face with a man who reminded her of her father, she reverted to the extremely sensitive, gentle, and somewhat frightened little girl that she was, as we shall see from her continuing account.
* * *
"Adam made arrangements for me to live in a trailer with one of the girls who was part of an animal act. She was an equestrienne-a bareback rider who did amazing stunts atop an unsaddled horse-and we hit it off fine. She was from Texas, had been raised on a ranch, and had started out appearing in rodeos, then, having perfected her riding stunts, including a complete back flip, she had joined the circus.
"Everyone accepted me and went out of his way to be kind and, best of all, didn't ask any questions. I began to work with Adam right away, and he was really pleased with all that I knew and had remembered from my days with my father.
"I was so busy and so happy for the first few weeks that I didn't have time to be lonely. Circus life is exciting, and there is always something to keep busy with. This one had a lot of animals, even dogs, because one of the big clown acts featured a bunch of trick-performing dogs, and there seemed always to be a sick animal or two, or one or more needing some attention.
"I learned to love the monkeys. They seemed so smart, and I made a special pet of one that took to me right away.
"I used to play with the dogs a lot, too, and a couple of times I was tempted to see if they would lick my pussy like Rex had. But I seldom had a chance to be alone with one of them.
"I masturbated a lot. I didn't realize until it wasn't there, how used to sex I had become and how much I needed it. But everyone around the circus seemed to treat me like I was a little girl. I mean, none of the men made any passes at me, even though a lot of them were alone and fairly young. I think, now, that perhaps Adam had quietly passed the words hands off.' He was so kind and good to me, it was almost as if I had my dad back. I loved him very much.
"Judy was nice to me, too, but she was in love with one of the men in aerial troupe, and she spent an awful lot of her free time with him. And she practiced every day for hours. She was a top act, and she intended to stay that way. I used to love to ride the horses in her act and I became pretty good at it-regular riding, not any imagine stuff. But we got along well. I loved the horses, and I began to draw a small salary, so I paid my way with Judy.
"But I suppose I should tell you about Irving-the monkey. He got so attached to me, and was so easy to handle, that they trusted me to take him out of his cage. He used to cling to me and kiss me-ever seen a monkey kiss? They peel back their lips and put them up to yours. Every time he did this, I noticed that he got a hard on. He used to sit and play with himself when he did, and, like I said, I began to get pretty horny and frustrated, after all the wild sex I'd had with Cal.
"One night, I took Irv to the trailer. Judy was out, and I decided I would find out if it were possible for Irv to really make sexual contact with my pussy. His prick wasn't too big, and I believed that he would try it in the same position as a man, if I could get him hot enough.
"I gave him the good treatment. I kissed him, he put his arms around my neck, and his cock began to get hard. I took it in my hand and began to jerk him off, and it got harder and hotter. I put him down for a moment and took off all my clothes. It was a strange feeling, seeing him sitting there, playing with his cock, watching me closely as I took off every stitch. He seemed almost human.
"I lay down on the bed and he crawled on top of me. It was awkward, because he was so short, but I moved him down so that his cock was even with my pussy, and he began to whimper and claw me, burying his mouth between my breasts, feeling them, trying to get his little cock into my cunt.
"I helped him get it in, and he began to pump away at me, just as a man would, but it didn't go in very deep. It was way too short to do me any good, and Irv was far too excited to control. All he did was jab away, concentrating on his own orgasm, and finally he shot a load that spattered all over my pussy lips and hair. He kept whining and nuzzling me until he had shot his last drop of jism; then he just jumped off and crouched in a corner, as if he expected me to beat him, or as if he wasn't sure just what he had done, and with what sort of strange creature.
"It was frustrating for me, and even when I masturbated, later, after I'd taken him back to his cage, it didn't help much. I had to face the fact that I needed a man. I began to wonder about Adam. I knew he was old enough to be my grandfather, but he was still a strong, attractive man, and we were so close all the time, I could feel the love he had for me. But I sensed that it was a fatherly emotion, with no sexual attraction involved.
"I was beginning to become desperate for some real sex. I went out of my way to eye several of the men that worked with the circus, but they all seemed to shy away from me.
"All the months I'd been with him, Adam had never told me anything about himself, or his past. I assumed he was a bachelor or a widower, because he never got any mail that I knew of. Of course, mail is hard to come by in a circus, and when it does arrive, it usually is covered by forwarding stamps. Besides, most people in a circus are loners, for one reason or another. A few of them work as couples, but for the most part they are alone-and pretty lonely, I suppose. That's why a lot of them are heavy drinkers. When the last show is over at night, there is always a lot of cleanup work to be done, and by the time that's taken care of, most of us are too tired to try to go anywhere or have any fun. And another thing; in most towns they don't really like circus people. They just don't trust us, somehow, and think we are all wild and loose and have no moral responsibility.
"But, to get back to Adam. One day, while we were doctoring a tigress that was about to have a cub, he said casually, 'My son, Arthur, is coming to live with me, Jane. He's been in a whole bunch of hospitals, and it looks like he never will walk again. I hope you'll like him and look in on him. It isn't too good, him living with me, always on the move, no real home, but we've talked it over and he doesn't want to be in a home or a hospital."
"I was surprised. I asked him what was wrong with his son.
" 'Arthur is eighteen. He smashed up an automobile when he was sixteen, and the doctors told me then that he would never walk again. A bad spine injury. But, you have to try. I've had him in and out of hospitals for almost two years, and I guess we both have to accept the fact that he won't walk. So-we'll at least be together, and maybe, with you around, it won't be too lonely for him."
"I knew, even before I saw him, that I was going to love Arthur. I already loved his father, and with the strong compassion I had for anything that was weak or sick or hurt, I just knew that Arthur would be something special for me. Besides, the loneliness for someone at least somewhere near my age for companionship was growing bigger all the time.
"So, when the big day came and Arthur arrived, it was like both of us had found something special. Adam had written him a lot about me, I found out, and had built me up pretty big in Arthur's eyes. All I had to do was look into his eyes to know that he knew all about loneliness and despair.
"I had begun to work on animal training, with a Russian man who had a terrific tiger and lion act in the show. He was a little reluctant at first, but when he saw that I really loved the animals, wasn't afraid of them, when he saw how they responded to me, he began to teach me. Adam had been afraid for me at first, but after he had seen me work alone in the cage with the beasts, he was all for it.
"I was also studying all I could, from Adam's notes and instructions, about the medicinal care of animals of all sorts. I'd have been completely happy if it hadn't been for the constant loneliness and the need for some sex. But when Arthur came, I knew that my whole world was going to change.
"He was such an intense person, and so intelligent. He had to be taken care of like a baby, and I knew the moment we shook hands and he smiled at me that I wanted to take care of him, baby him, love him, and-even then-have him sexually. His life seemed so bare and empty, and he seemed so alive and eager to please people, that I just gave him my whole heart, right from the start. I was awfully lucky, because he fell in love with me, too. It was as if we had known each other forever, and we didn't ask any questions at all-we were just grateful to life and to God for letting us find each other.
"I began to take care of him from the first. Adam was so grateful to me that he worshiped me, but it was for myself and Arthur that I did it all. I guess, now that I understood myself a little better, it let loose all the motherly instincts I had been building over the years as I mothered and babied and tended sick, helpless animals.
"But there was a sexual and physical attraction between us from the beginning. It wasn't pity on my part, or total need on Arthur's.
"He had to be bathed, because he couldn't get into the shower by himself, and I surprised even myself when I told Adam, right from the start, that I would take care of Arthur in every way. He had been thinking of hiring a nurse, but that would have been such a waste of money, and difficult, also, because of moving around so much.
"Anyhow, we broke the sex ice the very first day after Arthur came to us. I got a basin of hot water and some soap, and I told him I was going to give him a bath! I had already told Adam what I was going to do, and he had laughed and told me to go ahead and take over.'
"Arthur pretended to be embarrassed and dead set against the idea, but finally he gave in.
"I took off his pajamas, and I didn't make any bones about keeping his cock and balls covered. I just peeled the bottoms off and, pretending not to notice, began to wash him from his face on down. I dried him as I went, and before I had finished washing his stomach and lower back, I could see that he was getting a hard on. I had wondered if he could, being unable to walk and all, but when I saw his cock begin to get hard and stand up, I knew we were going to be all right for each other.
"I washed his cock, and then stroked it extra hard with the rough washcloth. I dried it slowly, with some added little sexy touches, with the towel.
"When I finished with his legs, he had a really good hard on. I didn't say a word. I just put my mouth down over the head of it and began to suck him off! Arthur just took my head in his hands, stroking my hair, moaning and mumbling with delight, and I settled between his legs and concentrated on giving him all the joys that my mouth and my hands could provide.
"Afterwards, we just talked, as if we were both middle-aged, about what we were going to do for each other sexually. I wasn't scared, because he could get a good hard on, and that meant that I could straddle him for regular sex, or he could maneuver his body atop mine and we could work it out that way. And we could give oral sex to each other, separately, or together in the sixty-nine position.
"I was in heaven. I had my animals, my lessons from Adam, and I had Arthur! I had found my place in the world, and everything seemed to fit perfectly!
"I used to take Arthur to see the performances, in his wheelchair, for a while. Then he began to get restless and edgy, because he felt he was too much of a burden on his father, and on me, I suppose.
"So Adam worked a deal where Arthur could take tickets, and he also worked part time as an assistant purchasing agent. Meantime, I was getting ready to really make my bow as an animal trainer. Life was so full, I was afraid it was a dream and that I'd wake up and find myself in the old nightmare that I had stepped out of.
"Arthur and I worked out a beautiful sex life, and Adam must have known what was going on, because he was so tactful about leaving us alone, as much as we wanted to be. It was wonderful, having Arthur to love, the animals to care for and work with, and Adam to act as almost my own father.
"Then, to make it even more perfect, Arthur decided to develop his artistic talents. He used to scribble drawings of the animals, the aerial artists, the people all around us, in pencil. I thought they were good, as did Adam, so finally, we convinced Arthur to really build his gift of artistry. We got a lot of books on the techniques of figure drawing, pastels, watercolors and oils, and inside two years, some of Arthur's works were bringing as much as two thousand dollars. You can still see his paintings and watercolors in some of the better collections, and critics say that no one can capture the color and excitement of animals the way he can.
"His circus pictures are really masterpieces. Lately, I have been posing for Arthur, in the nude. He hasn't shown any of them, but I think they are marvelous.
"We'll be married next year, when I'll be eighteen. There's nothing between us now. I mean, I told him all about everything-about Rex, about Irv the monkey, about Cal-and he was so concerned about my fears about any hang-ups that he insisted that I take some psychotherapy. It has helped. It has made me see that a lot of the things I tried to blame myself for weren't my fault at all.
"We've made a real life for ourselves. We have no intention of changing it much.
"I'm working regular now as an animal trainer. Dad-Adam-is still with the show, and we like the idea of having a few weeks off during the winter. We could book into other circuses that would take us to the warm countries, but we don't need it. We're completely happy. In fact, Adam is talking of finding a nice small town in the farm country, something like where I was raised, and retiring to a semi-active life of a vet. He wants us to come along. I could assist him-I still love animals-and we could make a good living.
"Arthur could paint, and we could get along very well. That's a few years off-at least for Arthur and me-but it's a solid dream, an ace in the hole.
"I don't pretend to be an expert on anything, but I'm glad I didn't give up, didn't stop believing in myself and in the goodness of people, generally. In spite of the bad bastards, I hung on in there, and things worked out for the best, in the long run.
"I'm a happy woman, and there's more happiness ahead. I don't think that, if I had it all to do over, I would change one single thing!"
CONCLUSION
Bestiality, as we have seen clearly from the foregoing accounts, stems from loneliness. When a human being is isolated from normal sexual outlets, he frequently will turn to animals for sexual gratification and comfort.
That mysticism is occasionally involved is undeniable, for man has always been closely bound with animals, using them as objects of worship, beasts of burden, a source of food, as well as for companionship that defies definition, and sometimes for sexual gratification.
That a human can love an animal sexually, as deeply as he might love another human, seems hardly possible. Bestiality, in all the cases that have come to the attention of researchers, is a stopgap measure, a fill-in for lonely hours, until a normal sexual relationship is able to be resumed.
That bestiality is a sexual aberration that needs much more study before the participants are condemned as "just queer," is obvious. We are grateful to the persons who have allowed us to explore this strange phenomenon that seems to have been a part of human life since the beginning of time. We find references to this practice in mythology, religious writings, and factual history, social and medical.
It is easy to condemn, but it is much wiser to pause and think. Does not each of us recall a pet that we loved to a degree that approached the love we felt for another human? Had we been subjected to some of the circumstances which befell our interviewees in this book, who can say how we might have reacted?
We sincerely trust that this study has caused the reader to stop and evaluate the subject of bestiality in a newer light of understanding and compassion, for that is the sole purpose of any work such as this: to throw new light into a corner of human behavior which has long been dark and murky, too filled with superstitious rumors and myths to be comprehensible to the average person. Today, the one thing this world needs more than anything else, is understanding.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
And Recommended Reading
Ardrey, Robert. African Genesis. New York: Atheneum Publishers, 1961. Ellis, Havelock. Psychology of Sex. New York:
Emerson Books, Inc., n.a. Ellison, Alfred. Sex Between Humans & Animals:
The Psycho-Mythic Meaning of Bestiality. San
Diego: Academy Press, 1970. Kinsey, A. C, et al. Sexual Behavior in the Human
Female. Philadelphia: W. B. Saunders, 1953. Krafft-Ebing, Richard v. Psychopathia Sexualis.
