A CONSTITUTIONAL EXAM

                            by 

                         Joe Doe 
 

EDGAR EMPLOYS A PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION IN TEACHING HIS BRATTY 
STUDENT THE IMPORTANCE OF HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS.

 

Elizabeth enjoyed the feeling of the warm water encasing her body 
as she relaxed in the bubble bath at the luxurious hotel.  Through 
the door, she listened to her college tutor drone on about the 
Declaration of Independence, July 4th, the American Revolution, 
the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.... 

"Blah, blah, blah," she replied.  "If I didn't have to pass some 
dumb old Constitution test next week, I wouldn't care.  And, if my 
Daddy wasn't paying your tuition, you wouldn't care about teaching 
me, either,Edgar." 

Elizabeth's one correct answer of the day had left Edgar fuming.  
It was impossible to teach a 20-year-old girl who insisted on 
sitting in the tub all day drinking wine.  But, if she didn't 
pass her exam, her father wouldn't pay Edgar's tuition.  Perhaps 
a demonstration would show her how important the Constitution and 
her civil liberties were.... 

In desperation, Edgar boldly entered the bathroom. 

"Hey!" Elizabeth shouted.  "You have no right to be in here!  GET 
OUT!" 

"A minute ago you said that rights didn't matter to you," he 
replied.  "If I were a soldier during the Revolution, I could 
force you out of your house and sleep in your bed, and you 
wouldn't even be able to ask for money."  

He smiled down at the blushing woman in the tub.  "Can you tell me 
which amendment prevents that from happening now?  If you can, I'll 
leave the bathroom." 

"I-I d-don't know," she stammered.  "But I still want you out of 
here, nerd!" 

"If I were a policeman, would I be able to just waltz into your 
house while you were sitting in the bathtub, stark naked?"    

"No!" she shouted. 

"Why not?" he asked.  "What would I need before I could enter your 
house without your permission?" 

"I'm tired of playing this game!" she replied, testily.  "The 
bubbles are starting to go down!  Just get out of here and leave 
me alone." 

"Yes, the bubbles ARE starting to go down," Edgar said, smiling.  
"And I must say that you have lovely, supple legs, Elizabeth.  
Now, answer the question." 

She drew her legs up to her chest, desperate to avoid the nerdy 
college student's leering appraisal.    

"The answer is that I would need a warrant to search your house or 
person," he said, calmly.  "But, since you got that answer wrong, 
we'll start over."   

"Now tell me, what sort of government official would actually issue 
the warrant?  Would it be a Congressman?  Or a postman?" He smiled 
down at her.  "What sort of authority would a man need to walk into 
the bathroom while you are sitting in that tub, naked as the day 
you were born, and order you to stand up?" 

Her brow furrowed.   She didn't want to get THIS answer wrong.   
"The President?" she answered, tentatively. 

Edgar smiled.  "I have no doubt President Clinton, in particular, 
would have been delighted to sign just such a decree.  But, alas 
for him, he did not have that authority.  The warrant stripping 
away your dignity would be issued by a judge." 

He cleared his throat.

"And that last answer is going to cost you, Elizabeth.  "Get out of 
the tub!" 

"But I'm-I'm...butt naked!"

"Yes, I can see that," he replied, calmly.  "It's a pity you didn't 
listen more carefully over the last few days; if you had, you'd be 
able to answer some of my questions.  And you wouldn't have to 
prance around naked in front of me in order to create a memorable 
civil rights test case." 

"But you'll see EVERYTHING!" 

"Democracy is transparent, and it allows the people to see 
everything, Elizabeth."  He picked up the hairbrush and began 
tapping it against his palm, meaningfully.  "Now, if you don't 
stand up in 5 seconds, we're going to discuss the Constitutional 
prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment!  ONE...TWO...." 

Elizabeth got the hint and raised herself out of the tub.  She 
tried to reach for the towel, but he snapped it away and tossed 
it into a far corner of the room. 

"Habeas Corpus is the right to 'bring the body' before a judge, 
young lady," he explained.  "And a delightful body it is.  But 
the Constitution does not say the body is entitled to even a 
scrap of clothing." 

The furiously blushing girl tried to cover herself with her hands 
as the soap teasingly ran down her luscious form.  Edgar, like all 
good teachers, was pleased that he had finally found a memorable 
way to instruct his rebellious student. 

"If you didn't think my order was fair, Elizabeth, you could always 
appeal my decision to a judge," he said.   

"I appeal!" she shouted.  "You have no right to do this to me!  I'm 
rich, and you're poor, and you have to do what I say!" 

"Money influences politics, but you can't always buy your way out 
of everything, sweet cheeks.  And I have every right to do this to 
you, because I know the Constitution, and you do not."    

"Elizabeth, you are charged with being an empty-headed little 
bimbo.  Naturally I have to check you out naked to see if you 
are really just a vacuous centerfold.  And, so far, the evidence 
against you is overwhelming."

He smiled. 

"Now, do you know what amendment might prevent me from doing a 
cavity search on that sweet, soapy, luscious bare ass of yours?" 

"The Fifth?" she answered, trying desperately to remember his 
lecture. 

"BZZZZZ!  I'm sorry," he shouted, like a game show host.  "The 
correct answer is the FOURTH Amendment.  Now you might have argued 
that the Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination would 
prevent me from checking to see if your pussy was wet, since the 
charge against you is that you are a bimbo.  But, of course, you 
were too much of a bimbo to remember that!" 

He picked up a rubber cleaning glove and playfully SNAPPED it on, 
all the time keeping his smiling eyes locked on Elizabeth's.   

"Don't you just hate it when they put on gloves in the hospital, 
Elizabeth?  It always makes you feel like something messy, 
invasive, and degrading is about to occur."   

He walked slowly around the blushing girl and carefully appraised 
her form.  "What does it feel like to have no rights, Elizabeth?  
What does it feel like to be stripped of everything?  Do you 
understand what it feels like to be totally naked and at the 
mercy of the authorities?" 

She winced as she felt his hand press down on her back just above 
her butt.  As she slowly bent over, he ran his hand up her spine 
as her own hands went downwards -- down her thighs, over her knees, 
all the way to her ankles. 

Her eyes flew open and her mouth formed a small "O" of surprise 
when she felt his gloved hand touch her...THERE. 

He was an excellent teacher, and he made sure that her examination 
was thorough and complete.... 

		****************************** 

Elizabeth spent the rest of the July 4th weekend being grilled 
about the American Revolution, the Constitution, and the Bill of 
Rights.  

Repeated strip searches, including one in the alley behind the 
hotel, emphasized the importance of search and seizure rules.   

"Diplomacy," "Compromise," and "Balance of Power" were illustrated 
when he gave in on some issues, but not on others.  When he and 
she negotiated, for example, they ended up eating at her favorite 
restaurant. 

But, when he refused to negotiate, the results were very different. 
She ended up handcuffed to the stove in the kitchen, stark naked, 
cooking Edgar his favorite meal.   

She definitely saw the advantages of having a "balance of power." 

The right to "face your accuser" was illustrated when Elizabeth 
had to answer questions stark naked in front of the leering pizza 
deliveryman she had accused of incompetence a few days before.  
Unfortunately for her, Edgar granted the pimply 19-year-old "full 
sovereignty."  As a fellow "state," the pizza guy shared Edgar's 
right to bend Elizabeth over the table and experience "the pursuit 
of happiness."  

It was a right he exercised fully and vigorously. 

The bicameral legislature was discussed as Edgar enthusiastically 
applied the hairbrush to the "twin houses" of Elizabeth's bare 
bottom.  The right to a "public trial" was demonstrated by 
administering the punishment in front of the grinning bellhop 
she had snubbed the day before. 

On Tuesday, Elizabeth passed the exam, much to everyone's relief. 

Her delighted father gave Edgar a bonus.  

And, for years to come, the smiling beauty queen continued to amaze 
her friends by quoting the Constitution, chapter and verse.



Edited by C. Lakewood