Admiral 2c1b2t had decided that his fleet needed to change tactics a little. Part of the reason was the result of long conversations with Lord 3b. Months of analyzing the recordings of past battles had convinced them that the aliens had a kind of ship that could reflect missiles back at their origin. Lord 3b had declared that those ships were a new class of ships that he called reflectors.
Following the advice of Lord 3b, Admiral 2c1b2t had issued orders that the ships in his fleet were not to fire upon reflectors. They were to concentrate their fire upon the other ships in the area. Only after the other ships were destroyed were they to study the reflectors and try to destroy them.
Despite the fact that it was a huge number of ships going against a single ship sitting out in space, Admiral 2c1b2t knew that this was going to be a pivotal engagement with the aliens. Even Lord 3b was going to monitor the battle in real time. Watching the sensors, he gave the order, "Slow to fighting speed."
The huge fleet came to a halt. As they expected, hundreds of reflectors suddenly appeared on the scene. He said, "Scan the area."
As soon as the scans started, the original ship just disappeared from the screen. Puzzled, he said, "Scan for that original ship again."
One of the crew said, "It is gone."
"What do you mean it is gone?" Admiral 2c1b2t asked.
"It just disappeared. One click it was there and the next it was gone," the sensor specialist answered.
"Did you track it?" Admiral 2c1b2t asked.
"It just disappeared," the sensor specialist answered. Their sensors should have been able to track it when it left, but there was nothing.
Deciding that it was a mystery that could be solved after the battle, Admiral 2c1b2t said, "Scan the reflectors and find their weak spot."
"Uh, they just fired upon the hunter fleets," the sensor specialist said staring at the screen.
"That's impossible. They are reflectors," Admiral 2c1b2t said not believing what the screens were showing. Everything they knew about the reflector class ships told them that they sent any missiles fired at them back to their source.
As the hunter fleets disappeared from the screen, the sensor specialist said, "The hunter fleets have been destroyed."
From the bridge of his command ship Lord 3b had watched the engagement. His shock at the exchange mirrored that of Admiral 2c1b2t. He used his communications channel to order, "Have your planet busters attack the reflectors now."
Admiral 2c1b2t ordered, "All ships attack the reflectors now."
The planet busters lowered their shields to fire upon the reflectors. Even as the ships prepared to fire, they started falling apart. From a good distance back from the actual site of the battle, Admiral 2c1b2t watched as eighty of his planet busters died for no apparent reason. Angry, he slammed his claw into the armrest of his chair. Unfortunately, his aim was a little off and the armrest deflected his claw into his leg. He let loose with a very loud bellow.
Lord 3b said, "This is impossible."
Admiral 2c1b2t said, "Fire upon those reflectors."
Making a decision that was unprecedented in the history of the Chitiniodians, Lord 3b ordered, "Flee."
"No," Admiral 2c1b2t said. Chitiniodians did not flee from a battle. He turned to his crew and said, "Put the shields on maximum and ram those ships."
Furious at having his order disobeyed, Lord 3b watched the battle evolve until the transmissions suddenly cut off. He turned to his chamberlain and said, "Admiral 2c1b2t is lucky he died. I would have killed him slowly for disobeying an order."
"Yes, sir," the chamberlain said. He wasn't going to say that he was shocked at the order to flee and understood exactly why the Admiral had disobeyed it.
Lord 3b sat back and said, "I probably would have done the same thing, though."
"Yes, sir," the chamberlain said.
"Other Lords will criticize my command," Lord 3b said. He had hoped that this would turn into a war like that against the Boggums. It was obvious by this battle that they were facing an alien force that was more dangerous than the Boggums.
"You know the other Lords far better than I," the chamberlain said knowing that Lord 3b was going to get raked over the coals for his order to flee.
"We needed to study the raw sensor feeds to know what happened. Now they are lost to us," Lord 3b said staring at the blank screen. An entire navy had been defeated and not a single alien ship had been destroyed.
"It was a wise decision on your part," the chamberlain said.
James watched the battle surrounded by the members of his think tank. Shaking his head, he said, "That was interesting."
"Yes, it was," Cousin Itt said. He had been surprised by how long the aliens had sat there after the battle star had disappeared. It was as if they didn't know what to do.
"I didn't expect them to attempt to ram the umbrellas," James said frowning.
Cousin Itt said, "That was most unexpected."
Captain Alberts said, "That was an old naval tactic. In fact, there were entire navies that operated using that tactic long before there were cannon."
James looked over at Cousin Itt and said, "It wouldn't be a bad idea to give them something to ram."
The Dromat said, "I have an idea on a different way to use our new mine."
"Great," James said.
"It is going to be great," Cousin Itt said feeling happy that the collapsible geodesic sphere would play a role in defeating the alien invaders. He said, "A lever is a lever."
"That's true," James said nodding his head in agreement. He understood perfectly what the Dromat meant.
"So what is going to happen next?" Captain Beac asked.
James answered, "For the next couple of years, we're going to have a handful of their fleets arrive to test out our capabilities. I would estimate that in about seven years time, we're going to get hit with several thousand ships."
Cousin Itt closed his eyes trying to imagine it. There just wasn't enough data to support that kind of statement concerning the timing and size of the next major attack. Giving up, he said, "I can't say one way or the other."
"That's okay. We'll find one or two of their computers out there and see what the current distribution of the alien fleet looks like," James said.
"How do you want to deal with the probing attacks?" Captain Alberts asked.
"Let's advance our position by twenty light years and use the Dactites against them," James said with a smile.
"Why?" Fixit asked. It wasn't that he was worried about engaging the aliens, but he was surprised that James would use them against the probing attacks. He kind of liked the idea of a thousand of them going against seven or fourteen of the alien ships.
"I want them to think that we've been defeated by a different group of aliens," James said.
The entire brain trust turned to stare at James. Seeing that he had everyone's attention, he said, "In fact, I think that about the time the second probing attack arrives that we should have the Dactites destroy our little battle star and a bunch of umbrellas. Let them watch the battle as they approach. When they arrive, we'll have the Dactities attack the aliens."
Unable to believe what he was hearing, the Andicor Captain said, "You're going to have the Dactites to kill us?"
"You won't be on board the ship. It will be empty," James replied waving a hand dismissively.
"Oh, that's better."
Captain Alberts asked, "What is that going to do for us in the long run?"
"They won't be expecting it," James answered. They would arrive expecting one enemy and discover that they were fighting another. Later, they would suddenly find themselves fighting the combined forces.
Starman asked, "Does anyone know how to spot James at a cock fight?"
None of the aliens at the table even understood the question. The humans turned to look at the Quatyl wondering what that question had to do with anything. Finally, Captain Alberts answered, "No."
"He's the one with the duck," Starman said.
James burst out laughing. It was the first time that he had heard Starman tell a joke. He said, "They'll never expect to be fighting my duck."
"What is a cock fight?" Cousin Itt answered totally baffled by the exchange.
Equally baffled, Chunky asked, "What is a duck?"
Captain Anders stared at Starman and said, "You've been around James way too long."
"Sad, isn't it," Starman replied.
Admiral 2c1b2t limped around the room in which he was being kept prisoner. All that he remembered of the end of the battle was the rear of his ship getting destroyed by five missiles. The hatches had sealed and the bridge of the ship had been cast adrift. That had been followed by the long slow depletion of atmosphere and a loss of consciousness. He had regained consciousness in this cell. It was a miracle that he was even alive.
He looked over at his aide and asked, "Where do you think we are?"
"I don't know, sir," the aide answered tiredly. It had to be the hundredth time the Admiral had asked that question.
"This must be some sort of facility that they use to store food," Admiral 2c1b2t said. As far as he could tell, there was no other reason to keep them alive. They killed aliens as soon as they saw them.
"I wish you would quit saying that, sir," the aide said in an irritated voice. He didn't like the idea of becoming someone's meal.
"Don't get grouchy," Admiral 2c1b2t said.
"I'm hungry," the aide said.
"We're in a serious situation here and all you can think about is your stomach," Admiral 2c1b2t said looking over at his aide. It seemed to him that you never knew someone until things were bad.
"There is nothing for us to do, so I think about my stomach," the aide said. By Chitiniodian standards, he was a fat little fellow and thought about his stomach a lot.
One of the walls turned transparent. Admiral 2c1b2t and his aide turned to look at it. A wave of disgust at the pink rubbery looking alien washed through their bodies. Admiral 2c1b2t was convinced that no one had ever seen a life form so disgusting in appearance.
James looked at the aliens through the bullet proof glass. He smiled and waved at them. The one with a limp rushed forward and attacked the glass. James frowned and shook his head. He shook a finger at the alien and said, "Bad little alien."
Admiral 2c1b2t was shocked at hearing the alien speak his language. He looked over at his aide and asked, "Did he just say that I was a bad little alien?"
"Yes, sir. That is what it sounded like to me," the aide answered just as surprised. There was no way that a rubbery creature like that should be able to make the clicks, bellows, thrums, and whistles of a Chitiniodian.
"Ugly thing, isn't it?" Admiral 2c1b2t said backing away from the glass.
"Yes, sir. It is quite disgusting in appearance," the aide said in honest agreement with the admiral.
"That's no way to talk about your host," James said. "Besides, you wouldn't exactly win a beauty contest."
"What is a combat of attractiveness?" Admiral 2c1b2t asked trying to make sense out of what he had heard.
"I have no idea, sir," the aide answered staring at the disgusting creature.
Hearing what the two aliens were saying, James said, "That didn't get translated right."
"Maybe he was calling us ugly," the aide suggested.
"Ridiculous. I'm a perfect example of a Chitiniodian," Admiral 2c1b2t said standing up in a stately pose. He would have been a little disappointed to learn that his aide didn't think much of his appearance or the pose.
"Hold on," James said.
Confused, the two aliens looked at each other. Admiral 2c1b2t asked, "What is it that we are to hold on to?"
"I have no idea," the aide answered while looking around the featureless room. There was absolutely nothing to hang onto in the entire area.
"This isn't going well," James muttered as he turned to the linguist who was out of sight from the aliens. He turned off the microphone and said, "Can you correct the translation?"
"Yes, Admiral," the linguist answered. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to correct, but he fixed the problem with the translation of the term beauty contest. He looked over at the Admiral and said, "I think that fixed it."
James turned back to look in the room with the aliens. He turned on the microphone and said, "As I said before, you won't win a beauty contest."
Admiral 2c1b2t rose up to his full height and stared at James. Insulted, he looked over at the aide and said, "You were right. He was calling us ugly."
"How rude," the aide said. Something that ugly shouldn't be calling them ugly.
Smiling at the two aliens, James said, "Now that we've exchanged insults, it is time for us to talk."
Admiral 2c1b2t rubbed a claw against his chest and looked over at his aide. He said, "This is a strange creature. They start conversations by exchanging insults."
"What do you expect of a creature that is so ugly?" the aide asked.
"True," Admiral 2c1b2t said.
Ignoring the continued comments about his appearance, James said, "I am Admiral James Kamp."
Admiral 2c1b2t looked at the pink thing unable to believe that it claimed to be an admiral. He decided that these aliens had a different form of rank than the Chitiniodians. He said, "I am Admiral 2c1b2t."
James was impressed that they had actually captured an admiral. He had assumed that the Chitiniodian was a captain. He said, "We found some of your food supplies in one of the disabled ships. We are bringing it here. You'll have something to eat soon."
"I knew it. They are just trying to fatten us up so that they can eat us," Admiral 2c1b2t said waving his claws around in an aggressive combative manner. They weren't going to take him without a good fight.
"It does sound like it," the aide said feeling a twinge of fear. He really didn't want to get eaten.
"We won't eat. We would rather waste away to nothing than to give you the satisfaction of dining on our bodies," Admiral 2c1b2t said earning a dirty look from his aide. He didn't notice since his attention was on the ugly alien.
"Okay," James replied wondering why they thought he was going to eat them. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't care if you go hungry. I'm just trying to be a good host."
"We won't eat," Admiral 2c1b2t repeated. He was a little curious as to why the alien thought that he was a horde. One individual didn't constitute a horde.
"Speak for yourself. I'm hungry," the aide said.
"You'll be the first one they eat," Admiral 2c1b2t said.
"Would you stop saying that," the aide said.
Tired of listening to the two aliens bicker, James said, "We're not going to eat you. We are going to negotiate a #$%$ with you."
"What is a #$%$?" Admiral 2c1b2t asked.
"I don't know," the aide said waving his claws around in a surrender gesture.
James frowned and turned off the microphone. He turned to the linguist and said, "Treaty didn't get translated right."
"Their language doesn't have that word," the linguist answered after a minute of looking through the data on the computer.
"How am I supposed to negotiate a treaty if they don't have a word for it?" James asked.
"I don't know," the linguist answered. He scrolled through a couple of more pages of material and asked, "How about we use the word cooperative? It is a kind of thing they use to coordinate efforts among Lords."
"I guess that would do," James said.
"Okay," the linguist said before typing a bit on the keyboard. He looked up and said, "I made the changes."
James turned to the room and said, "I am here to negotiate a cooperative with you."
James waited for a reply. The two aliens were staring at him. He tapped on the glass and said, "Hello?"
The two aliens continued to stare at him. He looked down and realized that he still had the microphone off. He turned it on and said, "Sorry about that."
"Sorry about what?" Admiral 2c1b2t asked confused. He was convinced that this species was pretty rude and very stupid. If you added to that the fact that they were ugly, then the elimination of this species would do the universe a great favor.
Waving a hand at them, James said, "Don't worry about it."
The translation program conveyed the message, "Don't waste any cognitive energies cognizing on the subject at appendage distance."
"I'm not sure that is a real sentence," the aide said confused.
"They really are a stupid species," Admiral 2c1b2t said forgetting for the moment that this stupid species had just wiped out his entire navy.
Ignoring the exchange, James said, "I am here to negotiate a cooperative with you."
"Never. We will never have a cooperative with an alien species," Admiral 2c1b2t said. The whole idea of having a cooperative with an alien species was repugnant to him. He said, "We will destroy your species."
"That might be a problem for you," James said. He had fully expected that answer. Every attempt by one of the Chitiniodian victims to negotiate a treat had failed.
"Why?"
James answered, "There is this really nasty alien species that has been destroying our space fleet. They are much better at fighting than your species. You don't want to be fighting both of us at the same time."
"This is a trick," Admiral 2c1b2t said to his aide. No species was better at fighting than the Chitiniodians. They did nothing but fight aliens and they were always victorious. He said, "We are the best fighters in the galaxy."
"I think you are right about this being some kind of trick," the aide said. He thought about it for a second and amended that a little. They hadn't done too well against this species. He said, "Well, these aliens seemed to be pretty good at fighting."
"They were just lucky this time," Admiral 2c1b2t said feeling a little less confident.
James said, "We're going to give you one of your shuttles so that you can go back to your leaders and tell them that we want a cooperative."
"Never! The Chitiniodian Empire will never sign a cooperative with an alien species," Admiral 2c1b2t said.
James continued to talk to the two aliens for another hour without achieving any significant gains. In fact, the conversation really went downhill when James had informed them that the Chitiniodian forces would have to be under his command. That seemed to really upset the two aliens.
Tired of listening to words that wouldn't translate, James left the observation room to let the two aliens discuss the matter. As soon as he stepped out of the observation room, he was met by Cousin Itt and Ken. They had been watching the entire discussion. He said, "I would have to say that that went well."
"You're kidding," Cousin Itt said.
"No. They are very upset with us," James said.
"You were there to tell them that we were being attacked by other aliens that were worse than them," Cousin Itt said. He hadn't understood that James was going to offer a peace treaty. He said, "All you talked about was a peace treaty."
"No, I was talking about how horrible the other aliens were," James said.
"All you talked about was the peace treaty," Cousin Itt said replaying the conversation in his mind.
"That is what it looked like," James said nodding his head.
"I don't understand," Cousin Itt said.
Ken said, "He just let them know that we were weak and vulnerable because of a bigger meaner threat than the Chitiniodians. He did it after having soundly defeated them in battle."
"Oh," Cousin Itt said. He would have just told the Chitiniodians that they were fighting a horrible enemy.
Shaking his head, James asked, "Do you know what the most disturbing thing about that entire conversation was?"
There were a lot of disturbing things about the conversation. Most notably was the fact that the aliens refused to even consider any kind of treaty. Knowing James, Ken was pretty sure that wasn't what bothered him the most. He answered, "No."
"They thought I was ugly," James said with a look of disbelief on his face.
"You are," Ken said laughing at James.
"Yes. Humans are actually quite repulsive. You look like you have mange. It is no wonder that you cover your hairless bodies with clothes all of the time," Cousin Itt said. There was a lot of speculation among the servant races as to what humans looked like under their clothing.
Ken and James turned to look at the Dromat surprised to hear that it considered them repulsive looking. Recovering first, James smiled and said, "You have it all wrong. That isn't the real reason why we cover our bodies like this."
"What is the real reason?" Cousin Itt said. There were only two reasons to wear clothes: to protect the wearer from the environment and to cover ugliness. With the controlled climate on board the ship there was no reason for protective wear other than to cover ugliness.
"It is so that we don't have sex more frequently," James said with a smile. The Dromat's mouth turned into an oval which was the expression of shock.
Chuckling at the shocked look on the Dromat's face, Ken said, "That's right. We wear clothes so that we look uglier to each other. Without our clothes, we'd be having sex every hour."
"That's impossible," the Dromat said with a shake of his body. No species could possibly mate that frequently.
"Not at all. At the sight of a naked woman, the males of our species are ready to mate. Without clothes, we'd never get anything done," James said.
Cousin Itt said, "I think you are trying to magic me."
"You can ask our Quatyl," James said grinning at the use of the word magic to mean mislead.
"They'll tell you what happens when we remove our clothes," Ken said.