Ensign Powell saw Admiral Kamp headed his way pushing a baby buggy. He looked around trying to figure out some way to leave without looking like he was avoiding his boss. When James waved to him, he knew that it was too late. There was going to be no way to avoid him.
"Hello, Ensign Powell," James said.
"Hello, sir," Ensign Powell said afraid to look inside the baby buggy. There was no way to tell what he would see. He said, "I see that you are taking Junior for a walk."
"That's right. He's been such a good little boy. I haven't heard a sound out of him ever since I left my quarters," James said.
Ensign Powell looked in the baby buggy and frowned. He said, "It is empty."
"Oh?" James said looking inside. He smiled and said, "You're right. I thought he was a little quiet today."
"Where is he?" Ensign Powell asked.
"You know, I don't have a clue. Maybe he crawled out when we were in the Quatyl Playroom. I dropped Starman over there," James said scratching his chin thoughtfully. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh well, he'll show up eventually."
"Aren't you worried?" Ensign Powell asked before it dawned on him that James had to be joking. Even James wasn't that bad of a father.
"Not really. His superhero powers are starting to manifest," James said.
Ensign Powell snorted and said, "Superhero powers?"
"He's still a little young yet. All he has are the basic Superhero powers — invisibility, x-ray vision, super speed, super cry, and super-stink diapers," James said in a very matter of fact manner.
"I'd believe the super-stink diapers part," Ensign Powell said. He had been in the same room when James had changed Junior's diaper. The odor had been brain numbing. It was hard to believe that such a small baby could create such a strong smell.
There was a sudden little bit of crying from inside the buggy. James went over and lifted Junior out of the buggy. Holding the little baby, he said, "There you are. Poor Ensign Powell was beginning to get worried."
"How?" Ensign Powell asked staring at the baby.
Grinning, James asked, "Didn't I just tell you that he has basic Superhero powers including the ability to turn invisible?"
Ensign Powell had looked inside the baby buggy and seen that Junior wasn't in it. Then he realized that the Great Ploppertui had something to do with it. He shuddered and said, "You've been around that magician too much."
"Would you define too much," James said. He rocked Junior a little in his arms and the baby calmed down. James whispered to him, "Don't let the mean man get you down. He doesn't have a sense of humor."
"You're going to twist that innocent little child into being just like you," Ensign Powell said. He wondered how much longer he was going to be working for James. He had visions of growing old and dying of a heart attack when something jumped out at him when he opened his desk drawer.
"Yes," James said.
"There are laws against that sort of thing," Ensign Powell said.
Surprised, James asked, "Really?"
"If there aren't, there should be," Ensign Powell said.
James looked down at the little infant in his hands and said, "I wish that your mother hadn't made me make all of those promises. I'm sure that a good vomit stroll right about now would be very entertaining."
"That's so... ," Ensign Powell started to say, but he failed to find an acceptable description to finish the sentence.
"Fun?" James asked.
"Sick," Ensign Powell answered.
The ship was in orbit around the Dactite home planet. It had been decided that since the next major battle with the Chitiniodians wouldn't be for a couple of years that it would be a great gesture for James to visit the home worlds of the various servant races. The basic idea was that James would stop and give a nice little speech thanking each planet for their contributions to the war effort. Of course, James had a completely different take on the matter.
Holding Junior in his arms, James looked out the portal at the planet below. Whereas Earth was a beautiful blue marble floating in space, this planet was more of a jade sphere. The majority of the planet was covered by a thick lush jungle. There were veins of pale blue that marked the courses of monster sized rivers. As interesting as the view was, James was excited by the fact that he'd be one of the first humans to step on the planet. He pointed to the planet and said, "Just think Junior, we get to be the first people to pull a practical joke here."
Junior's reaction was to gurgle and stick a thumb in his mouth. Ann said, "I don't think the idea is for you to engage in practical jokes across the known galaxy."
"Why else would they send me?" James asked with a grin.
"Sir, you are representing the entire Human Race," Ensign Powell said making a final attempt to convince James not to do something so weird that they'd lose an ally.
Starman said, "That is true."
"Well, we don't want the Dactites to think that we don't know how to have fun," James said.
"Humans know how to have fun. What you call fun is something else entirely," Starman said.
James said, "I thought the invisible baby was funny."
"That was a good one," Ensign Powell admitted. He slapped a hand over his mouth almost as soon as the words were out of it. The last thing he wanted to do was to encourage James in his jokes.
"See," James said with a smile.
"Oh God, I've been corrupted," Ensign Powell said.
Laughing, James said, "It isn't that bad."
"So you say," Ensign Powell said.
James looked over at Ensign Powell and saw that he really looked depressed. Deciding that it was time to cheer him up, he said, "Well, I guess now is as good of a time as any."
"For what?" Ensign Powell asked suspiciously.
"I'm giving you a raise," James said.
"There's no such thing," Ensign Powell said. "Pay is based on rank and years in service."
"I kind of noticed that, but I'm an admiral and can do pretty much what ever I want," James said.
Shaking his head, Ensign Powell said, "The military doesn't work that way."
"Oh," James said looking at Ensign Powell with a grin. That was one of the ensign's favorite sayings. He held out a hand and said, "I take it you don't want these."
Ensign Powell looked down at James' hand despite the fact that there could have been anything in it. He fully expected to see a plastic spider, or something worse, come flying at him. Eyes going wide, he asked, "You're promoting me to Lieutenant?"
"Yes, I am," James said.
"Oh," Ensign Powell said surprised by the promotion.
"Well, aren't you going to take your new insignia, Lieutenant Powell?" James asked.
Lieutenant Powell reached out to take the insignia from James' hand. Of course, James moved his hand out of the way. The next thing Lieutenant Powell knew, he was chasing James' hand around trying to grab the insignia. Finally, he stopped and held out a hand. He said, "Please."
"Sure," James said with a smile. He dropped the insignia in Lieutenant Powell's hand. The pair of Lieutenant bars gleamed in the light of space station.
Lieutenant Powell looked at the insignia and, feeling a little emotional about the moment, said, "If you'll excuse me, I'll put these on."
"You know, I wanted to wait until you were wearing your spacesuit. I always wanted to see what happens when you pin something on a spacesuit. I kind of imagine it would be like popping a balloon," James said.
"Very funny, sir," Lt. Powell said.
Ann said, "Congratulations, Lieutenant Powell."
Although it would be hard to say that the Humans had liberated the Dactites from the Quatyl, life had definitely taken a turn for the better. For some reason, James had been given much of the credit. The supreme leader of the Dactites waited anxiously for the human delegation to exit from the space shuttle. This was a very momentous occasion and he hoped that they made a good impression.
He had seen pictures of the humans, but that didn't give too much information other than how they looked. Every Dactite who had met a human had commented that they were huge. They were so large that there wasn't a single building on the entire planet that they would fit inside. The visitors were going to have to sleep in the shuttle craft. He turned to his advisor and asked, "Are they really three times our height?"
"Yes," the advisor answered.
The supreme leader said, "You are sure that they are not offended that we had no room to offer them."
"Yes. They are aware of that fact," the advisor answered. The normal rules of hospitality would have visitors of importance stay in the official guest quarters, but the ceilings were only a little over four feet high. For a two foot tall Dactite, that was a very high ceiling. For a six foot tall human, it would be torturous.
The supreme leader was a little nervous about the meeting. He had heard the stories about the odd behavior occasionally exhibited by the leader of the human delegation and had no idea what was going to happen. Still, this was the human credited with changing the relations between Quatyl and Dactite. The supreme leader turned to one of his advisors and asked, "What can I expect from the leader of the human delegation?"
"Anything," the advisor replied. Dactite scholars were still studying the private war between Einke Klein and James. It was accepted that he was slightly insane, but not in a bad way.
"I was afraid that you were going to say that," the supreme leader said. He was very worried about this visit. The entire planet was watching this first meeting.
"The Dactites who work with him like him. They say that his thinking is unique, but that his work is good," the advisor said.
The supreme leader looked over at the present that was to be given to the leader of the delegation and shook his head. He asked, "Are you sure this is an appropriate gift?"
"Yes, sir," the advisor answered in an uncertain tone of voice. He could understand the supreme leader's apprehension. It was a very strange gift to give a visiting official. He added, "That is what he said he wanted."
The door of the shuttle opened and a hush fell over the watching crowd. The supreme leader of the Dactites had his first look at a human being. They were three times the size of a Dactite. The humans were scarier looking than the Engels with their sharp claws. The humans looked like they could pick up a Dactite and throw them a hundred paces. The desire to flee was strong in all of the Dactites present and it was only by their overwhelming numbers that they were able to control that feeling.
The only sound that could be heard was that of hundreds of cameras swinging around to broadcast the arrival of James. Little Dactite reporters spoke into their microphones to explain the events as they unfolded to the watching audience. This was a truly historic moment.
Looking around at all of the sights around him, James approached the supreme leader. Lieutenant Powell followed behind James maintaining a military stride. Long ago he had learned that it was impossible to walk in step with the admiral. This time was even worse than usual. James kept pausing in mid-stride to look at something interesting. He looked more like a tourist than an official visitor.
Once he reached the supreme leader of the Dactites, James held out a sheet of paper. Using Starman to translate, he said, "Greetings Poobah. I have brought a present for you and all Dactites to share."
Taking the sheet of paper, Poobah asked, "What is it?"
"Those are the designs for a wonderful device that I'm sure all Dactites will enjoy," James said with a smile.
The smile was not exactly the most reassuring thing that Poobah had ever seen. He looked down at the plans and didn't understand them at all. He was not an engineer and the sharp crisp lines on the paper meant absolutely nothing to him. Trying to put a gracious face to the visitors, he said, "Thank you for such a unique gift."
James turned to Lieutenant Powell and took a small box from him. He held it out to the supreme leader and said, "Here is an example of the device."
The supreme leader took the cardboard box and opened it. He looked at the things inside the box with a puzzled expression on his face and said, "Thank you."
James could see that the Dactite was puzzled. He said, "They are racing stilts."
Lieutenant Powell had not known what was inside the box. He slapped his forehead at the idea of giving the Dactites racing stilts. He could just imagine thousands of Dactites running around on them. He had a feeling that the insurance rates were about to go through the roof. He groaned and said, "I can't believe he gave them racing stilts."
Curious, Poobah asked, "How do they work?"
James explained the use of the racing stilts. Of course, an explanation was not really sufficient and a demonstration followed. The youngest of the advisors was chosen as the best candidate and he reluctantly strapped the stilts to his leg. With a little help from James, he rose a full half foot taller.
The advisor took a few tentative steps and found that it was pretty easy. He jumped up and down amazed at the height he was able to get. Feeling comfortable with them, he took a few more steps. He raced to the ship and back. About halfway back from the ship, he jumped and did a summersault. His landing was a little awkward, but he recovered without much difficulty. Everyone in attendance snapped their fingers in approval.
Excited, the advisor stopped in front of the supreme leader and said, "These are wonderful!"
"They look to be most marvelous," Poobah said half tempted to try them himself. He looked over at his present to James and shook his head. There was no way that his present could even compare to that wonderful gift.
James said, "I think your Dactites will enjoy them a lot."
"You are correct," Poobah said still amazed at the unlikely gift. He took the very ornate little box that held his gift for James. He looked down at the gift with more than a little concern and handed it to James. He said, "Here is our gift to you."
James opened the box and looked inside. He grinned and pulled out the rock. Holding it up between his thumb and forefinger, he said, "This is great."
"Are you sure?" Poobah asked with the Dactite equivalent of a frown.
James nodded his head and said, "It is exactly what I wanted. I love it."
Lieutenant Powell looked at the rock and shook his head in dismay. He had known that there had been significant exchanges between James and the Dactite representative concerning the gift he was to receive, but he had been left out of the discussion. He had feared that was a bad idea. Leaning over to Ann, he asked, "He told them to give him a rock?"
"I guess so," Ann answered with a shrug of her shoulders. She had wondered what the display case that James had purchased was intended to hold. She looked at the rock and shook her head.
James looked down at the plain little rock in the palm of his hand and said, "I will treasure this forever."
"It is a rock," Poobah said confused by his visitor's reaction to it. He would have been insulted to get a rock.
"I know," James said. He gently placed the rock back inside the case and handed the case to Lieutenant Powell. He said, "Take extremely good care of this."
"Okay, sir," Lieutenant Powell said with a frown. He figured that at the least, James had gotten a nice case out of the exchange.
After two weeks of discussing the matter, Ann had finally relented and allowed James to bring Junior down to the planet. Junior was beginning to walk and she was terrified that he would get into trouble on a strange planet. It had been bad enough when he was crawling, but now that he could walk he was getting into everything.
They were getting ready to leave the shuttle when she gave voice to her concerns, "This is a bad idea."
"Why?" James asked bent over the stroller.
Ann couldn't see what James was doing and that worried her. She answered, "He's going to wander off and get lost."
"I thought about that," James said. "I've taken steps to make sure that anyone who encounters him will know that he belongs with us."
"Huh?" Ann said puzzled by what kind of steps James could take. Junior was a human baby and everyone on the planet would recognize it in a second.
James stepped back from the stroller and gestured to the toddler. In a proud voice, he said, "See."
Ann stared at Junior shocked by what she saw. Open mouthed, she said, "You stuck a fake beard on him."
"Gotcha," Junior said repeating the first word that his father had taught him.
Pointing at Junior, Ann said, "Get that beard off of him."
James knelt down and pulled the small cape out of his pocket. He asked Junior, "Do you want to wear the cape?"
"Yes," Junior answered.
As James arranged the cape, he said, "No one ever told me how much fun it was being a father. Can we have more kids?"
"I'm not sure that Lieutenant Powell could handle it," Ann said staring at her bearded baby.
Junior climbed out of the stroller and stood beside it. He was wearing nothing but the fake beard, his diaper and the cape. He put his hands on his hips and struck a heroic pose. James gestured to his son and said, "Superspace Baby!"
"Oh my God," Ann said. She had visions of the family arriving back at the space station and wondered how Uncle Arthur would react. Her whole family was going to go down in history as clowns.
"He looks great, doesn't he?" James said. He stepped back with his camera and took a picture of Junior. He mentally went through the list of people to whom he would send copies of the picture. His mother would be so pleased.
"He's not going out with the beard," Ann said deciding that it was time to put an end to this foolishness.
"Please," James said knowing by the expression on her face that he was going to have to take the beard off of Junior.
"No. I'm not going to give a whole planet the impression that human babies have beards."
"Why not?"
"Every mother on Earth would kill me," Ann answered.
James shook his head and said, "My mother would be proud."
"Your mother is just like you," Ann said. A horrible thought occurred to her. She asked, "Did your mother send you that beard?"
Nodding his head, James answered, "Yes."
"I thought so," Ann said with a sigh. She said, "She's the only grandmother in the world that would send her grandchild a fake beard."
James asked, "Why do you say that?"
"She's just like you," Ann said.
James replied, "It is genetic."
A young Dactite rushed past in a flash wearing his racing stilts. For a second it had looked like he was going to crash into the group of humans, but he had bounced out of the way at the last moment without even slowing down.
It had taken less than a month for the racing stilts to reach the farthest parts of the planet. Every Dactite, young and old, wanted a pair. Lieutenant Powell shook his head and said, "You can't go anywhere without seeing someone on those stilts."
"I know," James said with a grin. He was quite proud of his gift to the Dactites.
"I still can't believe that you gave them racing stilts," Lieutenant Powell said.
"It was that or water balloons," James replied. He wasn't going to mention that he had slipped a package of miniature balloons to one of the Dactites who ran the local equivalent of a rubber factory. He had a feeling that there would soon be water balloon fights all over the planet.
Lieutenant Powell froze when he recalled having seen a package of balloons on James' desk months ago. He said, "Don't tell me."
"Okay, I won't tell you," James said with a grin.
Lieutenant Powell groaned. He looked up at the sky and said, "And that was the beginning of the end of civilization as the Dactites knew it."