"Admiral, a package came for you," Ensign Powell said setting a box down in front of James. There was nothing to indicate that it was official business.
Perking up, James asked, "A package? For me?"
"Yes, sir," Ensign Powell said with a sigh. He hated it when the admiral went on and on about something as simple as getting a package.
"I just love packages, don't you?"
"Yes, sir," Ensign Powell answered. His mother sent him a box of homemade cookies every week. It made him a very popular fellow with the other ensigns.
"It is about time that it arrived," James said rubbing his hands together excitedly.
"Do you know what it is?" Ensign Powell asked. The box was unmarked other than a simple label that identified that it was for James.
"Of course, I ordered it," James said. He had been afraid that it would arrive too late. His eyes flashed as he said, "It is for Ann."
"Do you want me to give it to your wife?" Ensign Powell asked.
"No! That would ruin the surprise," James said. He couldn't wait to spring this little one on her. She'd love it.
"This is a present for your wife?" Ensign Powell asked thinking it was considerate of James to think of his wife like that. She was due to give birth any day now.
"This is a surprise for her," James said with a big grin.
"I don't think she likes surprises, sir," Ensign Powell said getting a bad feeling about this.
"She'll love this one," James said. He could just imagine the expression on her face when she saw it.
Ensign Powell looked at the box trying to imagine what was inside it. He decided that he didn't really want to know. He said, "If you'll excuse me, I have some important paperwork to do."
"Okay," James said.
Ensign Powell returned to his desk outside of James' office. He looked over at Starchild and asked, "Did you hear?"
"Yes," Starchild answered curious as to what was in the package. He wondered if his father knew what was in it.
"What should I do?"
"Tell his wife. She won't appreciate a surprise," Starchild answered.
"Maybe it is something nice," Ensign Powell said.
Looking up at his pet, Starchild said, "We are talking about Admiral Kamp."
"That's true," Ensign Powell said realizing that a surprise from Admiral Kamp was more like a nightmare come true than something pleasant.
"Call her," the Quatyl said.
Ensign Powell picked up the telephone and called Ann. When she answered, he said, "This is Ensign Powell."
"Hello, Ernie," Ann said, "James isn't here."
Ensign Powell shifted in his chair uncomfortably and looked over at the door to James' office. He said, "I know. He's in his office at the moment."
"Oh, why are you calling?" Ann asked brightly.
"I wanted to let you know that James received a package," Ensign Powell answered wondering how to break the news to her.
"A package?" Ann said. The arrival of any package addressed to James was cause to worry. Ann asked, "What kind of package?"
"He said it was a surprise for you," Ensign Powell said. There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Wondering if they had been disconnected somehow, he asked, "Are you still there?"
"Oh, I'm here," Ann said. She would have been on her way to his office except she was having a difficult time getting out of the chair. She growled and said, "I'll be there as soon as I can get out of this chair."
"Don't let him know that I warned you," Ensign Powell said. There was a possibility that he was ruining a surprise that Ann would enjoy, but he felt it was a very slim chance. He had worked with Admiral Kamp for too long.
"Hide it," Ann said realizing that she needed to go potty before heading to James' office. She really couldn't wait for her pregnancy to come to an end.
"Yes, ma'am," Ensign Powell said.
An hour later, James returned to his office from a meeting accompanied by Ensign Powell. He looked at his desk and asked, "Hey, where's that package that was on my desk?"
"I don't know," Ensign Powell answered truthfully. He didn't know since it had disappeared while they were out of the office. He assumed that Ann had picked it up, but he had no idea where she had taken it.
"I need you to help me find it," James said looking all over his office.
"Yes, sir," Ensign Powell said with a frown. There weren't many places that it could be hidden in the office.
"She's going to give birth any time now," James said getting a little frantic in his search.
"You can always give it to her later," Ensign Powell said.
Shaking his head, James said, "That won't do at all."
"Yes, sir," Ensign Powell said.
"We've got to find it now," James said. He stuck his head out of the office and looked over Ensign Powell's desk.
"What is in the package?"
"It's a surprise," James said. Convinced that it had been stolen, he said, "I want security to search the entire ship until it is found."
"Yes, sir," Ensign Powell said thinking that he was really going to get into trouble over this. He didn't think it would be all that easy to convince James that he had his best interests at heart. He looked over at the Quatyl wondering what kind of trouble his pet had gotten him into.
James looked out the porthole at the fleet of ships floating above the orbital plane of the sun. There were a lot of ships just floating out there. He asked, "Is that all of it?"
"No sir. We have a similar fleet parked at the Dromat home world, one at the Margot home world, and one at the Andicor home world," Whip answered.
"How many people have we got trained?" James asked thinking it was hard to wrap his head around the sheer number of space ships just floating there.
"We're training eight million people for service on these ships," Ken answered with a smile.
"How many do we need?" James asked.
"Eight million," Ken answered.
"Wow," James said. He knew that there were close to a hundred thousand ships in the Earth fleet. Those little Engel were productive little critters once they got directions.
Looking at one of the battle ships, James said, "I like how they are wedge shaped. It kind of reminds me of a wedge of cheese."
"Your Uncle designed it," Ken said. Arthur had learned a lot about designing space ships from working with the other races. The ships had quarters for the crew that were extremely luxurious. Advanced light-weight sound-proofed materials lightened the ship so that weight was a much less significant design constraint. There were only a few heavy metal structures and they were there only because they provided the overall support for the ship.
"Why wedge shaped?" James asked.
"He said it gave the ship more room to carry fighters. They can carry fifty fighters. The big back side is open for fighters to ingress and egress. The way it is protected, the shields to the landing bays can be down even when the ship is being attacked from the front," Ken answered. He pointed to a feature of the leading edges and said, "One thousand lasers are arranged across the four sides for stopping the missiles."
"That could be useful," James said nodding his head.
Ken pointed to one of the ships and said, "That boxy looking one over there has our nukes. We'll pull up for a broadside and start to spin the ship. We can fire fifty nukes from each face and reload during the rest of the spin."
"How many nukes does it carry?" James asked.
"A thousand," Ken answered.
"Wow," James replied.
Ken pointed above the space fleet and said, "You can't see it from here, but we've got a hundred thousand umbrellas floating over there. They are each outfitted so that they hold fifteen missiles."
"I'm impressed," James said.
"We expect some of their planet killers to show up. We've got the 50MM cannon prepared for them. Each cannon can fire five shots. We've got enough cannons that we can cover an entire battlefield," Ken said.
"You don't think this is overkill," James asked.
"Not really," Ken answered. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You should see the fleet that the Dactites have put together."
"Really?" James asked.
"It is very impressive," Ken said. He had read the reports on what had been parked there.
James smiled and said, "I'm going to be visiting them soon."
"What?" Ken asked with a frown. This was the first that he had heard about this.
James smiled and said, "It was decided that I'd take a little galactic tour and visit the home worlds of all of our allies."
"You are visiting the home worlds of our allies?" Ken asked.
Nodding his head, James answered, "Yes. Can you imagine that I was asked not to do anything too weird?"
"I can," Ken said thinking that poor Ensign Powell was going to have a stroke.
"It is a real puzzle to me what they mean by weird. Anyway, I'll be visiting the Dactites, the Omagrons, and the Dromats before the next engagement with the Chitiniodians. Can you imagine that it is going to take almost three and a half years to visit those three planets?"
"Whose idea was this?" Ken asked.
"Fleet Admiral Murphy came up with it," James said.
"When did this idea come to her?" Ken asked.
"Right after the dinner party we had with her. She really enjoyed the practical joke with the exploding ice cube. We laughed about it the whole evening," James said. It was so nice to find someone who really appreciated a good joke.
"President Dim Sum of the United Nations didn't find it funny," Ken said recalling the disastrous evening.
"How was I supposed to know that he'd take her chair at the dinner table?" James asked. He looked out the porthole and pointed to one of the ships. He said, "I'll take that battle ship for my tour."
"Is that why we're out here?" Ken asked.
"Yes," James said.
"You know that as the first captain you'll get to name it," Ken said.
"Really?" James asked.
"That's right. Selecting a name for a ship is serious business," Ken answered.
James looked at the ship for a minute and then said, "I think I'll call the ship, Cheddar."
"No," Ken said with a groan. He said, "You know they'll call you the Big Cheese on the Flagship Cheddar."
"That's a bad thing?" James asked with a smile.
"Yes," Ken said.
James said, "Okay, I'll go with something a little more subtle. We'll call it the Brie."
"How about the 'Defender'?"
"Boring," James said giving a theatrical yawn.
"How about the 'Intrepid'?"
"That's even more boring," James said. He suggested, "How about Cheesecake? It looks like a slice of cheesecake."
"No," Ken said.
"Apple pie?" James asked.
"No!" Ken said.
After twenty minutes of discussion, Ken was ready to pull out his hair. James had managed to cover just about everything that was wedge shaped as potential names. Finally, James said, "I'll call it the Deceiver."
Shocked at hearing something that wasn't a cheese or a dessert, Ken said, "That's an excellent name."
"I know. I filled out the paperwork with that name two weeks ago," James said.
Ken banged his head against the wall three times.
James was in a meeting when one of the security guards entered the room and announced that Ann was about to deliver. Looking over at the security guard, James asked, "Did you find my package?"
"No, sir," the man answered barely able to keep the irritation out of his voice. They had been getting calls almost non-stop about that package. The only place they hadn't searched was the Admiral's quarters.
"Drat," James said rising from his chair. It was hard to believe how weak his knees felt.
"You're wife is in the medical office," the man said.
Getting excited at the prospect of holding his son or daughter in his hands, James asked, "How do I get there?"
"Don't you know where it is?" the security guard asked.
"I don't remember. Where is it?" James asked flustered.
Never having seen Admiral Kamp acting nervous, Ensign Powell said, "I'll take you there sir."
James grabbed Ensign Powell by the shoulders and shook him. Almost shouting, he said, "My wife is giving birth to a baby."
"Yes, Admiral," Ensign Powell said.
James wandered down the hall and said, "This is the beginning of a new chapter in history. James and his little son, Junior, shall walk through this space ship planting little tricks amongst unsuspecting people. They shall laugh and all will be good in the galaxy."
"I suspect the reaction will be a little different than that," Ensign Powell said.
"You think?" James asked.
"Yes, they will look at you and think that an Admiral of the Defense Fleet should act with more decorum," Ensign Powell said.
When James and Ensign Powell reached the medical office, they were met by a nurse with a very worried expression on his face. The young man was not happy about what he had been ordered to do. Looking at the Admiral, the young man said, "The doctor says that you are to wait out here."
"Why?" James asked.
"I don't know, sir," the nurse answered.
"Is there a problem?" James asked getting worried for Ann.
"I'm just following orders, sir. The doctor told me to tell you that you are to wait out here. It is not my place to ask questions," the nurse answered.
James said, "Well, you had better get your butt in there and ask the doctor some questions."
Ensign Powell said, "Sir, he's just trying to follow orders. You wouldn't want to interrupt the doctor if he's working on delivering your baby, would you?"
"I'm just worried about Ann," James replied.
The door opened and a woman stuck her head out. She looked over at James with a frown. It was obvious by her body language that something was going on that she didn't like. In a pensive voice, she said, "Admiral, your wife and son are ready to see you now."
James made his way into the medical office and looked at Ann holding the baby in her arms. She was looking up at him with very controlled expression on her face. He looked over at the baby and a huge grin spread across his face. In a very nonchalant tone of voice, he asked, "Did you count the fingers and toes?"
"Yes. He's got ten of each. They are even in the proper places," Ann answered.
"Good," James said with a smile.
Ensign Powell stared at the baby unable to believe what his eyes were telling him. It was hard to believe that the admiral was asking about toes and fingers when his baby was clearly deformed. Shaking his head, he said, "It has two heads."
"Yes, he does," James said with a smile. Looking over at his ensign, he added, "That just makes him twice as smart."
"It has two heads," Ensign Powell said pointing at the infant. There was one regular looking head right where it was supposed to be. There was a second head perched atop the baby's right shoulder.
"I know," James replied looking over at the ensign. The poor young man was swaying to and fro. It really looked like he was ready to faint. The nurse moved from behind James to stand behind the ensign.
"Two heads," Ensign Powell said feeling like his head was filled with cotton.
"It's a pretty good thing too. You never know when you're going to lose your head. At least this way baby James has a spare one to use until he finds his first one," James said in a very serious tone of voice.
Ensign Powell turned to look at James in disbelief. He couldn't believe that James was taking the news that his son had two heads so calmly. He looked over at Ann and saw that she was holding the baby proudly. Unable to believe their reaction, he asked, "Are you both on drugs?"
Ann asked, "What's the matter? Don't you like two-headed babies?"
"I don't know," Ensign Powell answered wishing he knew what to say.
James walked over to the baby and looked it over for a second. He reached down and lifted the head off the infant's shoulder. He looked at Ensign Powell and asked, "Is that better?"
Seeing James pull the head off the baby, Ensign Powell's eyes rolled back in his head and he dropped to the floor. Fortunately the nurse was ready for it and caught him. Even as the nurse struggled to lay Ensign Powell down on the floor, Ann said, "You could have warned him."
"You're right. I keep forgetting that he's an excitable little fellow," James said looking over at the ensign. The nurse was on the floor trying to revive him. Concerned, he asked, "Is he okay?"
"He'll be fine," the nurse answered. He had expected the admiral to be the one he'd be helping to get off the floor. Most fathers would have collapsed on being presented with a two-headed baby.
"Good," Ann said.
"So you had my package all along," James said admiring the little head. It was very life- like.
"Yes," Ann replied. It had taken her almost three days to figure out why James had purchased a little head. When she had realized that he was going to present her with a two headed baby, she had been very tempted to kill him. She had decided that two could play that game.
He asked, "Did you know that if you had switched the little switch inside that it would start talking at random times?"
"No," Ann answered. She looked down at the ensign and decided it was a good thing that she hadn't known.
James fiddled with the head for a second. Suddenly, the head said, "I am the Son of Satan!"
From the floor, Ensign Powell had recovered enough to say, "You can say that again."
James leaned over and said, "That was your very first joke, Junior, and it was a very good one. I'm so proud of you."
In the playroom, a dozen Quatyl were gathered together discussing the events surrounding the birth of baby James. Looking over at Starchild, Sigfried said, 'Calm down.'
'Calm down?' Starchild said indigent. He said, 'Their pets nearly injured my pet.'
Starman said, 'I thought you were going to train your pet to deal with my pet better.'
'I've only been training my pet for four months. I'm not a miracle worker, ' Starchild said. He was starting to become convinced that there was no way to train a pet on how to deal with James. He didn't want to say it, but he was convinced that Starman's pet was insane.
Confused by the details of the story, Captain Beac said, 'I still don't understand what happened.'
'Their pets put a fake head on their baby, ' Starchild said.
'Why would they do that?' Captain Beac asked.
'To kill my pet, ' Starchild answered.
Fire said, 'They weren't trying to kill your pet. James was trying to play a joke on Ann. She found out about it and tried to play a joke on him, but he didn't fall for it.'
'How could the joke be on him? Didn't he buy the little head?' Captain Beac asked still confused.
'Yes, ' Ice answered knowing that his reply wouldn't help Captain Beac understand what happened.
'I don't understand this joking thing, ' Captain Beac said. It seemed to him that just about the time he had figured out the humans that they surprised him again. He wondered what kind of parent would attach a fake head on their baby.
Fire said, 'A joke involves taking a normal situation and turning it into something unexpected.'
'Is having a two-headed baby unexpected?' Captain Beac asked. He didn't know enough about human reproduction to know what was normal.
'It is very unexpected. So was the casual discussion between Ann and James that followed, ' Starman said. He hadn't known that James was going to play that joke on Ann.
Stardust had not known anything about the fake head. Even if she had, she wouldn't have predicted that Ann was going to use it. Even after this much time, pets could still be surprising. She said, 'My pet surprised me with this.'
Siegfried said, 'I thought your pet was the normal one.'
'How normal can she be if she lives with James?' Starchild asked.
Bear said, 'True.'
Captain Beac said, 'The servant races don't know what to make of their actions.'
'Is this making the Quatyl Space Exploration Agency change their minds about having James in charge of the defense?' Starman asked.
'No. They are glad that he's on our side, ' Captain Beac said.
Starchild was very familiar with the information acquired about the Chitiniodians. He had to admit that the war was going much better for the humans than it had gone for the Boggums. Considering the expected size of the enemy force that was headed their way, he hoped that their success continued. It was obvious that James' plans were a key element to their past successes. He said, 'That is good.'
Hating what she was about to say, Bear said, 'The humans are crazy, but I would rather have them leading this fight than us. We don't know anything about war.'
All of the Quatyl in the room bobbed their heads in agreement. Captain Beac said, 'We have sent out many more ships looking for another race that can help us.'
'Are humans aboard them?' Starchild asked.
'Yes, ' Captain Beac answered.
'I guess we can expect them to return with lots of babies, ' Starchild said.
'You can say that again, ' Captain Beac said. It seemed to him that humans were everywhere and that everywhere the humans went there was a population boom. Even he and Bear had mated because they had come upon a pair of humans mating aboard his ship.