Chip Blatz looked at that massive man standing to his left. He had never seen anyone that big in his entire life with just one exception. That exception was standing to his right. Both men had pistols and looked cross enough to want to use them. That morning, the two monsters on each side of him had come to his home and physically carried him away.
The big guy to his left said, "The Admiral will see you now."
"Good," Chip said staring at the door wondering how much trouble he was in. He hadn't believed his manager when the guy had told him the Admiral could get him drafted. He hadn't believed the registered letter that had arrived in the mail a month earlier saying that he was to report at Nellis Air Force Base a week ago. In hindsight, he should have listened to his manager or at least have actually answered the registered letter. With more than a little hope in his voice, he said, "Maybe he'll send me home."
The man to his right held open the door and grunted, "Go in."
Chip walked into the room looking around nervously. There were real aliens from outer space in the room with him. Swallowing, he wondered what kind of situation into which he had been dragged. He said, "Hello."
An officer gestured to him and said, "Sit down. It is about to start."
"What's about to start?" Chip asked hoping that it wasn't his court-martial for failing to report to duty.
"Be quiet. This is serious," the man said turning to face an image being projected in the middle of the conference table.
Nodding his head as he watched the image, James said, "They sent seven hunter fleets."
Captain Alberts said, "Captain Madison has his orders. He will open forty-nine umbrellas before they come to a complete stop."
"Excellent. That should surprise them," James said nodding his head.
Chip wondered what they were talking about. He stared at the image and couldn't make out too many details. He asked, "What's going on?"
Ignoring the question, Captain Alberts said, "The umbrellas are opening."
Watching the action, James said, "Perfect. We couldn't have timed it better. The hunter fleets just came to a stop."
Watching the technical displays, Captain Anders said, "They just finished their scan. We can expect them to launch any time now."
Captain Alberts said, "They've fired the missiles."
James bit down on one of his knuckles while watching the screen. He sat back in his chair with relief once the trajectories of the missiles had been plotted. The enemy had attacked the umbrellas. Shifting in his seat, he said, "Come on, fire."
Chip stared at the display realizing that he was watching an actual battle between the Earth Space Forces and the Chitiniodians. He put a hand over his mouth and watched the action terrified by what might happen. He nearly jumped when half of the ships suddenly disappeared. He hoped that it wasn't the Earth ships that had been destroyed.
"Their fleet is gone," James said. Turning to Captain Alberts, he asked, "Did it look like our umbrellas sent their own missiles back at them?"
"It looked that way to me. I'll have to study the recording," Captain Alberts answered. He would have to study the recording carefully to know for sure.
"We have managed to hide our real capabilities from them again."
Chip looked around the room trying to figure out from where the voice was originating. The furry alien was talking in some weird language, but a slug was speaking English. It took him a second to realize what was going on. He stared at the furry alien thinking that it looked like a character from a television show.
"Excellent," James said.
The image of Captain Monroe filled the screen. He said, "Admiral James. We have been successful in our mission. We even managed to record their transmissions. We will forward them to you once we have finished converting them to our format."
"Good work, Captain Monroe," James said very pleased with the report.
"I will contact you later," Captain Monroe said.
"Okay," James said.
"That was an Andicor," Chip said staring at the now blank transmission screen. It really did look a lot like a crab with a bit of praying mantis added to it.
James turned to the magician and said, "It is such a pleasure to finally be able to meet the Great Ploppertui. I really enjoyed your show when I was in Las Vegas."
"Thank you," Chip said. He said, "The name is Chip Blatz."
"Chip Blatz?" James asked feeling a little disappointed upon learning the man's real name.
"Yes," Chip said. He got that same reaction to his name all of the time.
James turned to everyone else in the room and said, "This is the Great Ploppertui. He makes big things disappear and then reappear."
Knowing that the ability to come to proper logical conclusions required distinguishing fact from fiction, Cousin Itt wanted clarification of what James had said. He asked, "What do you mean?"
"He's a magician," James answered.
Unable to translate the explanation, Starman said, "There is no Quatyl word for that."
"You're kidding?" James said looking over at his pet.
Starman said, "No. There is no Quatyl word for practical joker, although your name is starting to mean that. When a Quatyl does something stupid in a clever manner, we say that he's pulling a James."
"Thanks," James said with a grin.
"That wasn't a compliment," Starman said dryly.
Cousin Itt said, "I still don't know what you mean by making big things disappear and then reappear."
James was silent for a moment and then said, "Tell Cousin Itt that the Great Ploppertui is a professional deceiver of the eyes."
"Okay," Starman said.
"That is interesting, but why is he here?" Cousin Itt said not quite believing the translation.
James turned to Chip and said, "Show them a trick."
Chip reached into his pocket and removed a couple of coins. He always traveled with a trick or two just in case there was a lady around to impress. He enjoyed impressing the ladies since they often rewarded him in extremely pleasurable ways. He laid three coins on the table and asked, "How many coins are there?"
Cousin Itt answered, "Three."
"Are you sure?" Chip asked.
"Very sure," Cousin Itt answered.
Chip picked up the coins very deliberately and put them in the palm of his hand. He asked, "How many coins are there?"
"Three."
Chip closed his hands and then opened them. He asked, "How many coins are there?"
"Three ... No, there are four," Cousin Itt said leaning forward unable to believe what he was seeing.
The other aliens leaned forward and studied the coins in Chip's hand. It was obvious that none of them had expected the number of coins to increase.
"Are you sure?" Chip asked.
"Yes," Cousin Itt said.
Chip closed his hand and then opened it again. He asked, "How many coins are there?"
Cousin Itt stared at the hand unable to believe his eyes. There were only two coins in the palm of Chip's hand. Uncertain, he answered, "Two."
Chip put the two coins on the table and asked, "How many coins are in my hand?"
"None," Cousin Itt answered fairly confident.
Chip closed his hand and opened it again. He asked, "How many coins?"
"Two," Cousin Itt answered. He looked down at the table and saw that the two coins were still there. He said, "This is not logical."
James said, "He is a magician."
"Yes, he lies to the eyes quite convincingly," Cousin Itt said still staring at the coins in Chip's hand.
Chip collected the coins from the table and closed his hand. When he opened it, there were only three coins. Smiling, he returned the coins to his pocket. As he did that, he realized that he was probably the first man in the history of magic to perform in front of an alien from another planet. He reached over and pulled a coin out of James's ear. He said, "I bet you didn't know that was there."
"I didn't see that one coming," James said a little disappointed. Pulling the coin out of the ear trick was something to show little kids.
Cousin Itt was silent as he tried to process the demonstration that he had seen. After a minute, he said, "Admiral Kamp. You said that he makes big things disappear and then reappear."
"That is right," James said looking over at the Great Ploppertui.
"Could he do that with space ships?"
As far as James was concerned, that was the million dollar question. He asked, "Can you do that with space ships?"
"Sure," Chip said, "I make cars disappear all of the time."
"We want to know if you can do that in space," James said pointing upwards. He wanted to make sure that there wasn't any misunderstanding.
"In space?" Chip asked surprised by the request.
"Some time in the future the Chitiniodians are going to come back. We want a bunch of disappeared star ships to suddenly appear," James said with a smile.
Realizing that they had been tricking the enemy so far, Cousin Itt said, "I think that having another professional deceiver on our side will help us win the war."
"What do you mean?" James asked.
Starman answered, "He's calling you a liar."
"You have been lying to the enemy all of this time. We can use another professional liar on our side," Cousin Itt answered.
The Gnord who sat on the Brain Trust had never made a contribution to the discussions concerning the war effort. By the time it came to a conclusion, the problem it had been trying to solve was usually long gone. This was not an unexpected behavior since the Gnord tended to approach problems with the most excruciating attention to each and every detail. Much to the surprise of everyone in the room, the Gnord that James called Chiron said, "It is the best solution I can find."
Unable to believe what he was hearing, Chip asked, "Do you mean to tell me that you want to fight the Chitiniodians with magic tricks?"
"Yes," James answered with a grin.
The aide was performing a complex four legged dance out of nervousness when the admiral entered his office. The broadcast of the battle had arrived during the admiral's sleep period. Assuming that the outcome of the battle was well understood, the admiral had given explicit instructions that his sleep was not to be disturbed. The aide said, "Admiral, the broadcast of the battle arrived last night."
"Good. I'll watch it later," Admiral 2c1b2t said. He had some pretty boring meetings scheduled that morning and he figured that watching the battle later would relieve the tedium of his day.
The aide said, "I think you should watch it now."
Admiral 2c1b2t wasn't sure what to make of the uncharacteristic behavior of his aide. He asked, "Why do you say that?"
"The results were unexpected," the aide said trying to put a spin on what happened. The speed of his four legged dance increased with his nervousness. It wasn't good to bring bad news.
Admiral 2c1b2t studied his aide for a minute noticing his nervousness. Curious, he said, "Okay. Start the recording."
"Yes, sir," the aide said.
After watching the recording three times, Admiral 2c1b2t stared at a blank screen. Absently rubbing his claws against his body, he didn't know what to think. He was trying to figure out how those forty nine ships had appeared from nowhere. There was not enough detail in the sensor readings taken during the approach of the hunter fleets to see them, but as soon as the fleets had stopped the ships were suddenly there.
The aide stood waiting for the admiral to say something. Just about when he was ready to ask a question, Admiral 2c1b2t said, "It is hard to believe that those alien ships took out seven hunter fleets."
"Yes, sir," the aide said.
"Play the recording again. I want to see when those ships arrived," Admiral 2c1b2t said.
"Yes, sir," the aide said.
"This is not good. It looks like they arrived and stopped one thrum before ours," Admiral 2c1b2t said after watching the beginning of the battle for the fourth time. He was still finding it incomprehensible that the alien fleet had beaten seven hunter fleets.
"Yes, sir," the aide said wondering if they were going to watch those recordings all day long.
"There is no sign of how they arrived. One click they were not there and the next click they were. This is very unusual," Admiral 2c1b2t said.
"Most unusual, sir," the aide said thinking that an occasional change in reply would help break the tedium.
Admiral 2c1b2t said, "Did you see how their ships sent our missiles back at us?"
"Yes, sir. I noticed that," the aide said.
"This is very bad," Admiral 2c1b2t said. He slammed a claw down, getting it stuck in the wood of his desk. While wrestling it out, he said, "I don't think we killed one of their ships."
"Yes, sir," the aide said wondering if he was supposed to agree with the admiral on this point.
"They have destroyed eleven of my hunter fleets," Admiral 2c1b2t said about the same time as his claw came loose of the table. After watching this battle, he wasn't sure that they had killed any of the alien ships.
"Yes, sir," the aide said watching the claw carefully.
Admiral 2c1b2t considered his options. He said, "Inform the other admirals in this sector of this situation. Forward the recordings to them."
"Yes, sir," the aide said.
"Arrange for us to meet," Admiral 2c1b2t said.
"Yes, sir," the aide said.
"Oh James," Ann called out to her husband in a sweet voice.
"What?" James asked looking up from the travel brochure he was studying. Their three month vacation was about to come to an end and he wanted to visit at least a dozen theme parks before leaving for space.
"I have some news for you," Ann said.
"Oh," James said wondering if that was a good thing. He could just imagine her telling him that she had made arrangements to visit yet another fashion show. It was that or shopping.
"I'm having a baby," Ann said.
"Oh," James said stunned by the unexpected announcement. He had never given much thought to becoming a father. He kind of liked the idea of that. He started imagining a dozen little James clones running around playing practical jokes.
Waiting for some kind of reaction from her husband, Ann crossed her arms and asked, "Aren't you going to say something?"
"Um, does the father know?" James asked looking up at her with a smile on his face. He looked down at the travel brochure and scratched the theme parks off the list of places to visit.
"He does now," Ann replied tapping her foot in a somewhat angry fashion.
"I'm pretty sure he's happy. I know I would be," James said barely able to keep the excitement from his voice. He asked, "By the way, who is the father?"
"The father is the soon to be late Admiral Kamp," Ann said narrowing her eyes. She was not amused.
"Late for what?" James asked with a smile. He was about to discover that you didn't joke around with a pregnant woman.
"Admiral Kamp," Whip said sticking his head in the door of James' office.
"Ah, Whip," James said. There was something unnerving about having a creature that looked a lot like a raptor dinosaur sticking his head in your office. He asked, "What can I do for you?"
Whip paused for a moment considering the question. He wasn't there to ask for anything. After a long delay while trying to think of something that James could do for him, he realized that was another of those strange Earth statements that twisted things around. James wasn't asking to provide him with some service, but wanted to know why he was there. He answered, "I have come to inform you of the progress we are making in building ships."
"Oh, excellent," James said looking at Whip.
Whip looked back at James waiting for him to ask a question. After a moment, he said, "We have built ten thousand of your star ships."
"Ten thousand?" James asked surprised at the quantity. It didn't seem that enough time had passed for that many ships to get built.
"Yes. All ten thousand were completed this morning," Whip said. He had put the entire home world to work building ships. Ten thousand shipyards had been constructed and each shipyard had each built one ship. All of the shipyards had finished their ship that morning.
"All of them were completed this morning?" James asked staring at him. He wondered if he understood the Engel correctly.
"Yes. Do you want us to build another ten thousand?" Whip asked.
James wasn't sure that there were enough Andicors to staff that many ships. Shaking his head, he said, "We need ships for the Dactites."
"How many?" Whip asked.
"Fifty thousand?" James asked not quite sure how many they would need. He did know that the Dactites were actually looking forward to joining in the battle if they could field sufficient numbers to overwhelm the enemy.
"Okay. I will get everyone started on building fifty thousand Dactite ships," Whip said. He was quiet for a second and then asked, "Would it be okay if I build them ten thousand at a time?"
"That would be fine," James answered nodding his head.
"Good," Whip said thinking that his business was done.
"Where are the star ships now?" James asked.
"They are at our construction facilities. They will be delivered to the space station in two weeks," Whip said.
James began to envision the region of space at the edge of the solar system turning into one giant parking lot. A shiver went down his spine at the thought of sixty thousand ships parked around the space station. He said, "I would prefer if they were delivered to the Andicor home world."
"I will see to it," Whip said.
"Good job," James said.
An Engel defines himself by his purpose. In Whip's case, he considered his purpose to be supporting the Human/Quatyl war effort. To be told that he had done a good job was very unusual. Still, the words did make him feel good. He said, "Thank you."
"You're welcome," James said.
Feeling good, Whip turned to leave the office. Although he wasn't very tall, his body was quite long. The small offices required him to be very careful in how he turned. More than once his long tail had knocked everything off someone's desk. Even with the care he had taken, a stack of papers on the corner of James' desk fell to the floor.
James watched Whip maneuver out of the office wondering how he would deal with moving around in a standard sized work cubicle. Talking to no one in particular while picking up the scattered papers, he said, "I wonder how long it is going to take for the expression, 'like a bull in a china shop, ' to be replaced by the expression, 'like an Engel in a cubicle.'"
"James!"
"Yes, oh love of my life," James answered as sweetly as he could. He even managed not to flinch this time.
"Don't take that tone with me," Ann said entering the office within their quarters.
"Never again," James said trying to look suitably apologetic.
Ann posed in front of him and asked, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
"Not at all, my dear. It shows the world that you are expecting our first born child," James answered thinking that was a safe enough answer.
The Slathern in the room made a weird sound when Starman and Stardust both tried to control it to produce a laugh. Ann didn't think it was funny. In a cold voice, she said, "I'm not showing yet."
James had a feeling that he had blown it again, but there was always a chance that he could make a good save. Smiling up at her, he said, "I know dear. It is just that I can't help but see a radiant mother when I look at you."
"That's nice," Ann said smiling at him. The smile quickly disappeared and she said, "You can really crank out the bull when you want."
Giving up, James said, "No. I love you. I really love the idea that you're carrying my child. I keep visualizing a dozen little copies of me running around the space station playing practical jokes on Captain Klein."
"Really?" Ann asked although the thought of a dozen copies of James was a little hard to think about without flinching.
"Yes, really. In fact, I'm about to order his first plastic spider. I was thinking about a giant tarantula," James said with a smile.
"Maybe it will be a girl," Ann said wondering if this was such a good idea.
"I'm sure she'll enjoy having a plastic spider," James said.
Ann shook her head and said, "Little girls don't like spiders."
"Oh," James said with a frown. He scratched his head and then said, "I know. She'll like a can with a snake inside."
"No," Ann said.
James said, "You're probably right. I'll just have to call up mom and find out what she recommends."
"There's no need to do that," Ann said terrified by that little prospect.
James looked up at the ceiling with a small smile on his face. He said, "She still has the first whoopee cushion that she bought me when I was a little baby. She would put it under me when I was in my stroller. She told me that I always use to kick it when ever she'd introduce me to someone. It was always good for a laugh."
"You're kidding?" Ann asked looking a James in horror.
"Not at all. From there it was the fake vomit. She'd put it on my chest and proudly push me around the malls in the stroller. Little old ladies would come up to tell me what I sweet child I was and then they'd get this funny look on their faces like they didn't know what to say," James said repeating one of the stories that his mother used to tell him.
"I'm sure," Ann said.
"Mom told me that I said my first word at the mall one day," James said.
'What?"
"Gotcha," James said. He looked up at the ceiling and said, "That is still my favorite word. It is right up there with Ann."
"Your first word was gotcha?" Ann asked.
"Mom is so much fun," James said missing her. He smiled and said, "I can't wait for our child to be born."
"You're going to do that with our child?" Ann asked. She could just imagine James pushing her baby around in a baby carriage showing off the child complete with fake vomit on its chest.
James smiled and said, "Of course. I've been sitting here trying to remember all of the things that Mom said she used to do when I was a little baby."
"Uh, maybe I better talk to your Uncle Arthur," Ann said thinking that a sane voice from his side of the family might prevent a catastrophe.
"Uncle Arthur doesn't have a sense of humor. I fear that Grandfather didn't spend enough time with him when he was a child. I'm not going to make that mistake with any of my kids," James said.
Ann said, "You're going to be gone a lot fighting this war."
"I know, but I'm working on how to get around that," James said. He looked over at Starman and said, "I'm going to make some how-to films while I'm away and send them to you. I'll use Starman in the videos instead of a child."
"What?" Starman asked looking over at James.
James smiled and said, "He'll look so cute in his cape."
"No," Starman said.
"Oh yes," James said. He opened his desk drawer and pulled out a small cape. Holding it up, he said, "You'll look so cute in this."
Stardust asked, "Ann, is James' condition hereditary?"
"I'm not sure," Ann answered staring at the little baby cape.
James said, "Come over here, Starman. Let's see how you look in your cape."
Desperate, Starman said, "You've got to do something."
Ann looked at James and started to remove her dress. Smiling at him, she said, "Oh James."
"What?" James said watching her undress.
She walked over to him holding the top of her dress up. Leaning over to him, she let the top fall. She said, "Before you throw me on the desk and do all kinds of kinky things to this body of mine, I want you to make a little itty bitty promise."
"Uh," James said. He enjoyed it when Ann came onto him like that.
Starman and Stardust ran to the door knowing what was going to follow. Much to their horror, the door was closed. The pair of Quatyl looked at each other knowing that it was too late. Starman looked over at Ann as James said, "I promise."