James sat at the table in the dining hall looking at the Dromat standing in the corner. He wondered why Cousin Itt was standing when it could have been sitting. Ann was at work sending messages back to the space station and he was feeling a little bored. Getting up, he walked over to the Dromat and said, "Hello."
The Dromat stared at James recognizing him as one of the humans that had been present when it had arrived. As far as the Dromat could tell, that made James one of the more important people on the space ship. It understood the greeting, but hadn't quite figured out how to vocalize a reply. Its mouth was not exactly configured for making the 'l' sound.
James gestured to the Dromat for it to follow him. Having nothing better to do, the Dromat followed James over to the table. When James pointed to the chair, the Dromat sat down and watched James. James went around the table and sat across from the Dromat. James studied the Dromat. The pair looked at each other for a minute. The minute turned into three minutes. Each wondered if the other would be completely satisfied doing nothing more than staring at the other one. Finally, James asked, "What are you?"
The Dromat looked at James for a few seconds and decided that it was time to introduce itself to him. Nervous, he told James his name, "Dro Mat."
Surprised at actually getting an answer to his question, James turned in his seat and announced, "Hey everyone. Cousin Itt is a Dromat!"
One of the members of the crew asked, "How do you know that?"
"When I asked Cousin Itt what it was, he said Dromat," James answered. He turned back to Cousin Itt and, pointing at him, said, "Dromat."
Not realizing that his entire species was going to be called by his name, the Dromat answered, "Dro Mat."
"Hey, it really does talk," someone else said.
That kicked off a half hour of discussion at all of the tables. Much of the discussion concerned why it hadn't talked until that time. Some folks thought that it was because it was really a spy sent there to learn about them while others thought that it was just making random noises. To tell the truth, there was a contingent that thought it would actually talk like Cousin Itt from the television show.
For the most part, James and the Dromat just stared at each other for a little while longer. After deciding that the Dromat wasn't going to volunteer any more information, James asked, "Are you hungry?"
The Dromat understood what James was asking although it would be hard pressed to break the stream of sounds into individual words. It decided to answer the question with a word that it had heard a lot around the dining hall. With great difficulty, he answered, "Yez."
James smiled and said, "Stay right there. I'll be back."
The Dromat had figured out after watching people interact in the dining hall that the smile was not the threatening expression that it had thought it was. It had seen the creatures use that expression without the situation escalating into violence. He wasn't quite sure what the smile meant, but that didn't matter too much to it. Relieved that it hadn't done anything wrong, it repeated, "Yez."
James went over to the serving line and grabbed a tray and a spoon along the way. Once he reached the line, he said, "Hey, can you put a little of everything into individual little bowls so that the Dromat can taste it?"
"As far as I know, the only thing Cousin Itt eats is mashed potatoes," the guy serving the food said. He looked over at the Dromat with a bored expression. After watching the visitor stand around all day, he wasn't all that impressed.
"That's all he's tried," James said, "Maybe if we give him a little of this and that, he might find something else he can eat."
The guy serving food shrugged his shoulders and went off to find some little bowls. All he had were the small bowls for ice cream. While he was there, he put a little ice cream into one of the bowls. Returning to the counter, he put a spoonful of every item in a bowl. By the time he was done, James had to get a second tray. It wasn't that the variety was all that great; it was just that the trays were small.
James returned to the table balancing the two trays. He set both trays in front of the Dromat and gestured to the dishes arranged on them. He said, "Try each of them and see if you like it."
The Dromat tried a little of each dish. Some of the foods were horrible and its reaction caused James to laugh. It was like watching someone shake out a feather duster. There were a few foods that it really liked. One of them was the green beans. After eating an almost miniscule part of a green bean, it returned to consume the whole portion. The Dromat said, "Ood."
"Ood? Oh, you mean good," James said. He made a mental note that Cousin Itt liked green beans. He also noticed that the Dromat understood at least two words of English and could use them in the proper context. He smiled at the thought of switching over to German and seeing how it reacted.
The Dromat tried a small piece of shrimp. The shrimp happened to taste like one of the greatest delicacies of its home world. The Dromat pointed at the shrimp and said, "Ood. Ood."
James smiled when the Dromat nearly inhaled the shrimp. He said, "You really like that."
It was the ice cream that won the taste test hands down. The Dromat had never tasted anything so good in its entire life. After the Dromat had finished tasting everything, James got a meal for the Dromat consisting of shrimp, green beans, boiled carrots, and ice cream. The Dromat ate one of the finest meals of its life. It seemed like every other bite was accompanied by the exclamation, "Ood!"
For Captain Beac, the moment of truth had finally arrived. It was time for him to head back to his ship. His greatest fear of the moment was that the humans might have subtly established some sort of control over him and would prevent him from returning. It was with some surprise that the humans escorted him to the ship and waved goodbye. Of course, Beac wouldn't have recognized the wave for what it was without an explanation from the other Quatyl aboard the ship.
The trip back to his ship was just as long as the trip over, but it seemed to Beac that it was a lot quicker. The beasts had confused him. On one hand they were huge, untamed, and energetic. On the other hand they were extremely gentle and caring with their Quatyl. The one thing that was extremely surprising was that the food they provided was the best he had ever eaten.
On returning to the ship, Beac went immediately to his safety pod and relaxed for the first time in four chronon. Living outside of his safety pod was not his idea of fun. What had truly made the time horrible had been the fact that he was surrounded by giant beasts almost all of the time. He kept imagining that one of the beasts would step on him. The assurances of the Quatyl aboard the other ship that the beasts very seldom stepped on them did little to mitigate his fears.
The other Quatyl were interested in his experiences and pestered him with questions. They listened with rapt attention as he described how big the beasts were. They were shocked to hear that the Quatyl about the other ship made love noises to the beasts. They would question Captain Beck about other things, but they kept returning to questions about the Quatyl making love noises to the beasts.
For the most part, the other Quatyl aboard the ship were confused by his report. That they would be confused by the report shouldn't have been too much of a surprise to anyone. Beac was confused and he was the one making the report. The idea that the huge beasts mating could drive a Quatyl into a mating frenzy was just too absurd to comprehend. He didn't even know how to report that to the others.
Far more disturbing to Captain Beac was the assessment of the beasts based on the Gnord suite of tests used to assess intelligence, aggression, and emotional stability. There was nothing average about the beasts. They either scored very high or very low on every measurable category. The specific combination made it a very dangerous species. He wondered how to report that to the Quatyl Space Command.
Dro Mat, as he was known to the others aboard the ship, had returned with Beac. The servants listened to him talk about his experiences there. That there existed a race that was totally immune to the Quatyl was a real revelation. Of course, they didn't need him to tell them that. The Quatyl had discussed the matter many times over the past few cronons.
Far more significant to the servants was the fact that the beasts aboard the other ship hadn't tried to control him. This was seen as very good news, but not everyone believed him. A good number didn't believe his stories about the food. They just assumed that memories had been placed in his brain or something equally as nasty.
After the excitement of being able to talk with their pets had worn off, the Quatyl in the playroom had realized they were facing a horrible problem. It was Ice who started the discussion when she said, 'I just realized that we might have a really big problem. Our pets might not like us after they learn more about us.'
Surprised by the suggestion that their pets might not like them, Siegfried asked, 'Why?'
Ice answered, 'They might view our control of the servant races as slavery.'
The comment caused all of the Quatyl to turn and look at her. Having accepted that they couldn't really control any of the species on Earth, this was not something that any of them had considered. They had never viewed their control over the servant races as a form of slavery, just as a matter of course. The servants were just an extension by which they interacted with the world around them.
The problem was that every Quatyl on board of the ship knew how their pets felt about slavery. There were still lots of programs on television about the history of slavery and how evil it was. Of course, the slavery presented on television was a lot different than the kind of control that Quatyl had over the servant races. The Quatyl knew that the proper term was Mind Control.
Mind control was an often repeated theme in science fiction and was typically viewed in a negative manner. In many cases it was viewed as being worse than slavery. People felt that the mind was the last bastion of freewill. One might be controlled in the physical world, but there was nothing wrong with imagining doing bad things in their dreams.
The exception was in erotica where it allowed the man with the ability to control minds to be surrounded by a horde of women who would fulfill his every sexual fantasy. It was always a male who controlled others. It was also always the case where he always had sexual fantasies that required a horde of women.
After a full minute of silence, Starman said, 'They have animals that work for them.'
'None of those animals are intelligent enough to use tools, ' Fire said.
This was an explosive issue. Terrified at the consequence of a bad decision, Siegfried suddenly realized that he didn't want to be in charge. If it wasn't handled well, every Quatyl on Earth could end up losing their pet. In fact, they could create the dangerous enemy that every Quatyl feared. He asked, 'Does anyone have a suggestion?'
'We could ask a Gnord. Well, we can if there is one on the other ship, ' one of the Quatyl said.
'That would take too long, ' Siegfried said thinking that it would take the Gnord twenty or thirty years to come up with an answer. After thinking about it, he decided that it would take a Gnord even longer than that to find the best solution.
Stardust asked, 'Should we tell Captain Beac about this?"
'Not yet, ' Siegfried answered.
The Quatyl Playroom was basically unchanged except for the presence of three of the four Slathern aboard the ship. Beac had promised to send over three more Slathern so that the Quatyl could talk with their pets. As it was, there was one Slathern in the dining hall that allowed the Quatyl and the Humans to communicate.
James sat down in the chair by the Slathern and put Starman on the table beside him. Grinning, he asked, "How is my pet Quatyl doing today?"
"I don't know," Starman answered, "I wasn't aware that you had a pet Quatyl. If you are talking about me, then I must say that I'm rather concerned about my pet beast. It has been acting very uppity lately. It actually thinks that I am its pet when the relationship is just the opposite."
"You don't say," James replied with a smile. He said, "I have the same problem. My pet Quatyl thinks that I'm its pet. It is clearly delusional."
"You see what I mean," Starman said smugly.
James laughed at that comment. He asked, "I have to admit that I was a little surprised to find that a Quatyl was in command of that ship. I knew that you were clever little critters, but I didn't realize that you were that smart."
"Of course. On the Gnord scale, we are a smart species."
James asked, "How about us?"
"Your species have the slowest minds that we've ever encountered," Starman said. He was pretty sure that James wasn't going to be pleased to hear that.
"Are you saying that we're stupid?" James asked looking at the Quatyl wondering if he was supposed to be insulted. It wasn't every day that your pet told you that you weren't very smart.
"No, it is just that in terms of raw mental computing power your species has the slowest thought processes that we've ever encountered on a species that has reached space," Starman answered. The Quatyl debated for years if the slowness of the human mind was the reason they couldn't control them.
"In other words, we're stupid," James said looking over at the Quatyl with an amused expression on his face.
"No. Your minds may function slowly, but you combine information in ways that are truly outstanding. On the Gnord scale, your species has the greatest level of imagination that we've ever encountered. Your libraries actually contain more fiction than factual books," Starman said. The alternative theory as to why they couldn't control the humans was that their thought processes were just too different to control.
"Oh?" James asked.
"Yes. Your humor is just one example where you are an extreme in imagination. You set up realistic situations and then warp it from reality in ways that are interesting," Starman said.
"So you're saying that we're slow but clever," James said wondering if he was supposed to be insulted. The image of sitting in a corner with a dunce cap on his head flashed though his mind.
"Yes," Starman answered watching James carefully to see how he was reacting. It wasn't always clear how beasts would react to things. That was a consequence of the fact that the beasts were about the least stable species the Quatyl had ever encountered. The Quatyl knew of no other species in which individuals would commit suicide.
James was quiet for a moment and then asked, "What is a Gnord?"
"That is the centaur," Starman answered using the word that had been used to describe the Gnord.
"Oh," James said, "Are they smarter than us?"
"They have faster minds, but they are much slower in solving problems," Starman answered. This conversation was an example of how the beasts were different from every other species they had encountered. When acquiring information, they skipped around the problem attacking it from a dozen different directions at once. He added, "The Gnord always find the best solution to a problem. It just takes them forever.
"That is another thing that we find interesting about your species. You use teamwork to make up for your slowness in a manner that we've never observed before. You swarm over a problem like ants. You will find a partial solution and follow it until you reach another problem which you then attack with all of your energy. It is really rather remarkable and makes your species very fast at arriving at solutions despite your mental slowness."
"I'm glad to hear that you find us remarkable," James said wryly.
Starman said, "We find many things about your species remarkable."
"Oh? Like what?"
"You are the least stable species that we've ever encountered," Starman said wondering how James was going to react.
James laughed at that observation and said, "Tell me something that I didn't already know. Captain Klein is convinced that I'm certifiable."
"Your species rates well beyond the carnivore rating in terms of aggression," Starman said. The Quatyl had been surprised to learn about contact sports being played by the beasts. The worst sports were boxing and professional wrestling. The idea of watching beasts pummel each other as a form of entertainment was totally foreign to them.
"You say that we're more aggressive than carnivores?" James asked rather surprised by that assertion. He felt like shaping his hands into claws and roaring like a lion. He had a feeling that Starman would laugh at him rather than be scared.
"Yes. You hunt and fish for pleasure rather than need. Even most carnivores don't do that. You even have wars in which you fight to the death. You are a very aggressive species," Starman answered. He wondered if the beasts would have actually made it this far into space if it hadn't been for discovering their ship. By all rights, this species should have killed itself off before advancing this far.
"Okay, so what does all that mean?" James asked. He wondered how the Quatyl would react to a badger.
"It means that you are the most dangerous species that we've ever encountered," Starman said.
James was quiet for a moment while he considered that assessment. He laughed and said, "So we're slow, but clever. We're certifiably insane and aggressive as hell. All of that means that we're the most dangerous species that you've ever encountered."
"That's right."
"You forgot one thing," James said.
"What?"
"We're funny," James answered with a grin.
Starman had been worried that James might not like how the beasts had been characterized. Based on James' reaction, he realized that James actually liked it. The Slathern produced the sound of a laugh. Starman said, "That's right."
"How would you characterize your species?"
"We have very fast minds, but we're not the best problem solvers. We aren't very curious or imaginative, but we are very stable emotionally and very passive," Starman answered.
James looked at the Quatyl for a second. It didn't sound like a description for a species that was likely to reach for the stars. Frowning, he asked, "So how is it that your species managed to make it to space?"
Not expecting the question, Starman was taken by surprise. Trying to get his thoughts together, he looked around for a second. There were others waiting to use the Slathern. Using that as an excuse not to answer the question, he said, "There are others who want to talk to each other."
"Quack, quack," James said.
"What's that mean?" Starman asked puzzled by the reply. The frequent change in the topic of conversation was one of the most frustrating things about dealing with Beasts.
"That's you ducking the question," James said with a laugh. He picked up Starman and headed out of the dining hall. Starman would have objected but it was an accurate assessment.
James settled into the chair at his console and checked the immediate surroundings. The huge Quatyl ship was still drifting next to them. The two distant ships were keeping their distance. All in all, the situation hadn't changed much. Looking over at Captain Klein, he said, "I had an interesting conversation with Starman."
Worried about what James would find interesting, Captain Klein asked, "What did you talk about?"
"Starman told me that we were mentally slow, but clever. That we're emotionally unstable and very aggressive," James said.
Snorting, Captain Klein said, "You didn't need a Quatyl to tell you that. I've said that about you ever since the day I met you."
James laughed and said, "Your sense of humor is developing quite nicely. One of these days you'll actually make a joke and the universe will disappear."
"Don't insult me," Captain Klein replied shaking his head.
Leaning back in his chair, James said, "I can see it now. You're standing there on the bridge and say something like, 'Knock, Knock.' Unaware of the consequences of our actions, one of us asks, 'Who's there?' By this time, the entire universe suspects what is going to happen and is trembling out of fear."
"What?" Captain Klein asked cursing himself for his curiosity. He had no idea what James was talking about.
Ignoring the Captain, James said, "Sending ripples of terror through every sentient creature in the universe, you answer, 'Boo.'"
"Boo?" Captain Klein asked.
"Yes, you answer, 'Boo.' Still unaware of the consequences of our actions, someone asks, 'Boo who?' From every corner of the universe, sentient beings are praying that you've forgotten the punch line. Much of their disappointment, you say, 'There's no need to cry.'"
Captain Klein grimaced at the line. It sounded like a joke that little children would tell each other. Shaking his head, he said, "That's bad."
"It's even worse than that. The strong and weak forces that hold atoms together begin to fail. Before you know it, the entire universe is ripped apart in a blinding flash of light. Life as we know it has come to an end," James said with a smile. Looking over at the Captain, he asked, "How does it feel?"
"How does what feel?" Captain Klein asked afraid of what James was going to answer.
"How does it feel to know that you hold the fate of the universe in the palm of your hand?" James answered.
Captain Klein looked at James for a second and then answered, "It makes me feel like I could get away with seeing how long you can live in a vacuum."
"That's a good one," James said with a wink. "Returning to the original subject of our discussion, Starman wasn't talking about me, but about our species."
From across the room, Ann said, "Actually, I think Starman is right. Well, I do take exception to us being mentally slow."
"I don't know. Have you ever dealt with a particularly dense employee?" Captain Klein asked gesturing over at James with his thumb.
Ann laughed and said, "Better watch out Captain. You're starting to say funny things."
"It is purely unintentional," the Captain replied with a wry smile.
In the Quatyl playroom, the discussion focused on James' reaction to Starman's discussion. It was hard to believe that James had reacted to the characterization of his species without being upset. It was even harder to believe that he thought it was fitting. Siegfried asked, "Are you telling me that he wasn't insulted?"
"That's right," Starman answered.
Stardust said, "I don't think it was anything that they haven't said about themselves."
"That's true," Siegfried said. He added, "My pet says that about Starman's pet all of the time."
Lazlo Zalezac