The dreaded date had finally arrived and Melinda was not happy about it. It was the evening that she was taking Mike O'Connor out for a steak dinner. She decided that if she was going to have to do something so abhorrent that it was worth doing it with a bit of class. She checked out her appearance in the mirror and was pleased with the image reflected back at her. She was wearing a conservative black dress that flattered her figure without looking too sexy. At least, that was her opinion.
Armed with a small black purse and reservations at the best steak house in the area, she headed towards the limousine parked in front of her house. Looking like someone had shot his favorite dog, Jim stood by the rear door holding it open for her. When she approached, he looked over her outfit. Surprised by her choice, he asked, "Are you sure that you want to wear that dress?"
"Why shouldn't I wear it?" Melinda asked.
"He might get the wrong idea," Jim said. He felt that any woman who showed up on a date with him dressed like that was advertising that she interested in him. Although he had never met Mike he was pretty sure the man would come to the same conclusion.
"Don't worry about that. I'll put him in his place if he gets the wrong idea," Melinda said with a smile. She had spent half the night coming up with little witty retorts that would make him look like a fool if he made too much of her appearance.
"Yes, ma'am," Jim said. Gracefully, Melinda got into the car. Jim closed the door and went to get in the driver's seat. He muttered, "This is going to be a disaster."
Settling into the back seat, Melinda said, "Jim, let's pick up Mike and get this evening over with as quickly as possible."
"Yes, ma'am," Jim said.
"He wasn't all that thrilled about us picking him up at his house," Melinda said.
"I wonder why," Jim said worried about what they would find when they got to Mike's house. He wasn't sure why, but he felt like he was forgetting something very important.
"He probably lives in a dump," Melinda said satisfied that Mike was finally on the defensive. She added, "It is about time that asshole got a little taste of his own medicine."
"This evening is going to be a disaster," Jim said while starting the limousine. Jim checked the mirror just in time to see Melinda double-checking her make-up. For someone who was not interested in the man with whom she was going to a restaurant she seemed to take inordinate interest in her appearance. "This is going to be a disaster."
"What was that?"
Jim asked, "Why did you ask me to handle your security this evening?"
"I don't know," Melinda answered evasively. She wasn't about to admit that his name was the only one she could remember when asked who she wanted on security that evening.
"You know that Tripp is going along with us," Jim said.
That little announcement surprised Melinda. She hadn't even considered that Mike would have his protector with him. The idea of having to deal with the two cousins together terrified her. She said, "I didn't think about that."
"I wish I was in Afghanistan," Jim said maneuvering the car down the street.
Neither one spoke for the rest of the trip to the gated community where Mike lived. The only voice came from the GPS navigator when it announced that Jim was to make a turn. Jim stopped the car at the gate and waited for the young man stationed there to take notice of them. The kid looked to be fifteen years old. The young man walked over to the driver's side of the car and waited for Jim to roll down the window. The young man asked, "May I have the name of the person you are visiting, please?"
"I'm here to pick up Mike O'Connor," Jim answered.
The young man stuck his head through the window and looked in the back of the car. Grinning broadly, he said, "Nice to meet you, Melinda Davis. Cousin Mike said you were pretty and he wasn't lying. If he hadn't already laid claim to you for a wife, I'd be asking you to go to my senior prom with me. Since he's claimed you, let me be one of the first to welcome you to the family."
"I'm not marrying him," Melinda said shocked that someone so young would even suggest taking her out on a date. Every clever remark she had dreamed up the previous evening deserted her.
Jim's eyes darted the name badge worn by the young man. He groaned when he read the last name. He said, "He's an Ables."
Feeling panicked, Melinda said, "Get me out of here, Jim."
The young looked at Jim for a second and then asked, "Are you Jimbo?"
"Yes," Jim answered wishing he was anywhere but there.
The young man stuck out a hand and said, "Welcome to the family, Jimbo. I'm Wally Ables. I heard that you are going to marry my cousin Tripp. She's told me all about you."
"I'm not marrying her," Jim said.
"That's what you think. She's got her sights set on you. Us Ables never miss once we take aim at something. You're as good as caught," Wally said proudly.
Jim said, "I'm not that easy to catch. If you don't believe me, just ask the Taliban."
"Cousin Deuce says that they're not so tough; there are just a lot of them," Wally said.
Knowing how Deuce felt about the Taliban, Jim knew better than to argue. He said, "I'd feel a whole lot safer in Afghanistan facing the Taliban than being here facing Tripp."
"Damn! Tripp is going to orgasm when I tell her that," Wally said slapping his thigh and busting out in laughter.
"It wasn't that funny."
Between bouts of laughter, Wally said, "You really do know how to sweet talk an Ables woman. I'll let you through the gate and then give her a call to let her know you're coming."
Jim leaned forward and rested his forehead on the top of the steering wheel. He could hear Wally chuckling while walking back to the guardhouse. Wally's voice carried well enough for Jim to hear, "She's going to be all over him like gunfire at an Ables family picnic."
Jim moaned. "This is a disaster."
With the date spinning out of control even before it began, Melinda said, "We pick them up and drive straight to the restaurant. You are not to stop on the way there; not even for red lights. We won't order any appetizers or drinks before dinner. I'll order our steaks to be served raw so that we can eat and get the hell out of the restaurant without having to wait for them to be cooked. I'll ask for the check when they serve the food. We'll be out of there in fifteen minutes, max."
"That sounds like a plan to me," Jim said.
Melinda sank into her seat and asked, "How many cousins can they have?"
"They've got a lot," Jim answered. He pulled through the gate and headed towards Mike's house.
Melinda looked out the window and said, "It looks like a nice neighborhood. I wonder why he didn't want us to pick him up here."
Jim noticed a woman watching them from her living room window. He turned his head to get a better looking thinking that his eyes were playing tricks on him. The light reflected off the windows and he couldn't see her anymore. Not quite sure of what he had seen, he replied, "I'm not sure."
The road was wide with houses set back from the street and hidden from view by hedges or trees. Jim kept getting occasional glimpses of people through the trees, but they were just flashes that were too short to make out any details. There was something strange about it, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Some idea was tickling the back of his brain, but it didn't have a sense of danger to it that would have grabbed his full attention.
The GPS navigator announced that they had reached the address Mike had given them. There was a wall of very well trimmed hedges surrounding the property. Jim turned the car into the driveway thinking that Mike must spend all of his spare time gardening. The landscaping around the house was spectacular. There wasn't a leaf out of place. Jim muttered, "I wonder why he didn't want us to see this."
Amazed by the profusion of flowers that surrounded the house, Melinda said, "Wow. Look at that yard."
"It is nice," Jim said.
"I don't think the neighbors would appreciate it if we honked the horn to let them know we are here," Melinda said.
"You're probably right."
Melinda said, "You better go up there and let them know we're here."
"I'd rather not," Jim said even while unbuckling his seatbelt. He nearly hit his head on the ceiling when Melinda screamed. His pistol was in his hand before he knew it.
"There's a naked man coming here," Melinda shouted.
Jim stared at the naked man for a full five seconds. The topless woman at the window and the flashes of people through the trees suddenly made sense. He groaned and said, "This is a clothing optional community."
"What?" Melinda asked on the verge of hysteria.
"I kept thinking there was something I was forgetting. I can't believe that I forgot that Lockwood Estates is clothing optional," Jim said. The full implications of what he had just said came crashing in on him. He looked up at the house in horror thinking that he wouldn't survive if a naked Tripp stepped out of the front door.
"We're in Lockwood Estates?" Melinda asked in a shrill voice that reached a volume that was close to a scream.
"Yes," Jim said putting away his pistol. He used the button to lower the window on the front passenger side door. Leaning over, he called out, "Hey, could you let Mike O'Connor know we are here?"
"I want to meet the pretty lady who is going to marry Mister Mike," the man said moving to the front car door. His voice was that of an adult, but the inflection sounded like an eight year old kid.
Jim stared at the man realizing that he was mentally challenged. Having a naked mentally challenged person around his charge was not the best plan from the prospective of being a protector for an attractive woman. He wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation never having encountered one like it before. He muttered, "Oh Shit!"
Melinda said, "I'm not marrying Mike O'Connor."
"That is not what Mister Mike said," the man replied sticking his head through the window.
"He is wrong," Melinda said doing her best not to look in the direction of the naked man.
"Mister Mike is never wrong. He is the smartest man in the world," the man said looking at her like she had better accept what he said as the gospel truth.
"He's an asshole," Melinda said automatically.
The man frowned. "Don't say bad things about Mister Mike. He is the bestest guy in the world. He made a chair that can climb stairs for my mommy. She can't walk."
Jim tried to head off further discussion before it exploded into something nasty. He asked, "Could you let him know that we are here?"
"Pretty lady has to apologize for what she said about Mister Mike," the man said.
Pretty sure how Melinda would react, Jim said, "Remember the plan — we drive straight there, eat raw meat, and leave. Apologize to him."
"I'm sorry," Melinda said wishing the evening was over. In a mumble she added, "that I ever agreed to this in the first place."
Fortunately, the naked man didn't hear the added qualifier. Pulling his head from the window, he said, "Okay, pretty lady. I will get Mr. Mike."
Their visitor didn't have a chance to move more than three feet when the front door opened. Jim stared at Tripp thinking he had never seen her in a dress before. He could just see his days as a bachelor disappearing. Before he had a chance to comment on it, Melinda said, "That bitch. She's wearing my dress."
"Damn, she's hot," Jim said.
"She's going to have to change that dress," Melinda said while crossing her arms. There was no way that she was going to show up at O'Toole's wearing the same dress as another woman.
Mike walked over to the car. Reaching the mentally challenged young man, he said, "Hello Sammy."
"Hello, Mr. Mike," Sammy said standing up a little straighter.
"The yard looks really good," Mike said making a production out of examining the lawn.
"I mowed it just like you asked," Sammy said with a proud smile.
"Yes, you did. You did a good job," Mike said.
"I'm going to work on the flowerbeds tomorrow," Sammy said.
"I'm sure that you'll make that flowerbed look great. You've got a green thumb," Mike said patting Sammy on the back.
Sammy bent down and stuck his head through the car window. He said, "Don't mind what Mr. Mike is saying about me. He always says that I have a green thumb, but I don't. It is pink just like all my other fingers."
"I'm sure it is," Jim said watching Sammy wave his fingers around so that he could inspect them. Melinda looked like she was about to make a comment when Jim said, "Remember the plan."
Sammy stood up and said, "I've got to go home now. Mommy told me to be home early for dinner."
"That's a good boy, Sammy. You wouldn't want to make your mother wait," Mike said with a smile.
"I just wanted to meet the pretty lady you are going to marry. She's pretty, but she says mean things about you. Mommy would wash her mouth out with soap if she was here," Sammy said.
"I'm sure she would," Mike said with a laugh. He looked in the car at Melinda. She was glaring at him. He smiled at her.
Tripp climbed into the front seat and looked back at Melinda. She checked out the dress and said, "You're wearing a fuck me dress too. It looks like Mike is going to get just as lucky tonight as Jimbo."
"I'm not getting lucky," Jim said while trying to cover his eyes.
Tripp ran a hand up his thigh and said, "Yes you are."
Melinda said, "Go in and change your dress."
"No," Tripp replied turning her attention to the man in the driver's seat. She patted Jim's crotch and then acted surprised by what she felt. She said, "Oh, what is this? It seems to me that the trouser snake is getting bigger. We're going to have to see what we can do about letting it out of its confinement."
"You're killing me," Jim said glancing over at her. She was leaning forward and he got an eyeful down the front of her dress. She wasn't wearing a bra.
"That naughty trouser snake; it just got bigger," Tripp said.
"Get a room!" Melinda held out her hands like she was fending off something ugly.
Tripp said, "Later."
"Never," Jim countered.
"We'll see about that," Tripp said.
Melinda was about to comment when she noticed that Mike was seated next to her. He winked at her and then said, "Look at all of those freckles."
Crossing her arms across her chest, Melinda said, "Let's get this evening over with."
Jim said, "Yes, ma'am."
"I like the way you do that," Mike said.
"Do what?" Melinda asked.
Mike smiled at her before answering. "When you cross your arms like that, it lifts your breasts up. It is kind of like you are putting them out there on a shelf for everyone to see and admire."
From the front seat, Tripp said, "Don't you love it when a man openly admires your body?"
"No," Melinda said uncrossing her arms. Now that he had called attention to it, she didn't know what to do with her arms.
"Don't do that. I'm trying to drive," Jim said while moving Tripp's hand off his lap. He reached over to turn up the air conditioner hoping to cool her off.
"I'm in hell," Melinda said.
Turning around in her seat so that she faced the back of the car, Tripp said, "Mike, did you notice the dress she's wearing?"
"Yes, I did," Mike answered.
"She must really like you to wear a dress like that. It screams out that she wants you to take her right here," Tripp said.
Mike glanced at Melinda. The expression on her face suggested that having him take her right there was the last thing on her mind. He said, "I don't think so."
"The smart man finally got something right," Melinda said.
"She's just acting," Tripp said.
Mike said, "She's wearing that dress to lure me closer. When I get close enough, she's going to beat me until I surrender."
Tripp laughed at that and then said, "She's not an Ables woman. Only an Ables woman considers a good fight to be an act of seduction."
"Don't fight. Remember, don't fight," Jim mumbled.
"So where are we going?" Mike asked.
"O'Toole's," Melinda answered.
With a little scream of delight, Tripp said, "I love O'Toole's. I'm sure they'll have fresh oysters for Jimbo to eat. You know what they say about oysters, Jimbo."
"Yes, I know," Jim said trying to concentrate on the road.
Melinda stared at Tripp wondering when a woman like her would ever have a chance to go to a place like O'Toole's. It was extremely expensive and so popular among the wealthy that it was nearly impossible to get reservations regardless of how much money one had. She had been very fortunate that someone had canceled when she had called to get a table.
Jim made good time on the drive to O'Toole's. He managed to do so without running any red lights. He pulled into the parking lot and stopped the car at the valet station. Tripp looked over at the station and said, "Hey, it's Cousin Billy!"
Looking at the fifteen year old kid who was approaching the car, Mike said, "Cousin Wally told me that his brother was working here."
"Another cousin?" Melinda asked incredulously. It seemed to her that she couldn't turn around without running into a member of Mike's family.
"Oh God!" Jim said.
Tripp got out of the car and greeted the young man, "Cousin Billy! How are you doing?"
"Cousin Tripp! I heard that you finally found a man," Billy said.
"That's him driving the car," Tripp said pointing to the driver's seat.
"I heard that he was fairly good in a fight," Billy said.
Tripp said, "Deuce says he's one of the best."
"I'm glad to hear that. Everyone in the Ables clan says that you have excellent taste in men," Billy said.
Jim's forehead hit the steering wheel. He groaned and then said, "I'm doomed."
"He's a real sweet talker," Tripp said.
"Really?" Billy asked.
Smiling, Tripp said, "He compared me to the Taliban. He said he was more afraid of me than them."
"I bet that charmed the panties right off of you," Billy said.
"Sure did. I left them on the floor of the living room," Tripp said. She glanced over her shoulder and saw that Jim was staring at her. She flipped the back of her dress up and then let it drop.
"Oh my God. She's not wearing any panties," Jim said.
Melinda said, "She's a slut."
"No. She knows what she wants and is going after it. Jimbo doesn't stand a chance. No one can resist the charms of an Ables woman," Mike said with more than a little pride in his voice.
"I'm not marrying her," Jim said. Mike's laugh didn't reassure him.
Billy asked, "What are you doing here? I heard that you were out protecting Cousin Mike."
"I am," Tripp answered. She pointed to the backseat. "He's in the back with his bride to be."
Billy opened the door and stepped back to let the passenger out of the car. While Melinda exited the car, he said, "Welcome to the family. I heard that Mike had laid claim to a pretty woman, but calling you pretty just isn't close to accurate. You're drop dead gorgeous. If he hadn't laid claim to you, I'd be inviting you out on a date at the target range."
Melinda nearly tripped on hearing a fifteen year old kid trying to ask her out. She growled, "I'm not marrying Mike."
Billy asked, "Why not?"
"He's an asshole," Melinda said.
Billy shook his head in wonder. Turning to Tripp, he said, "She even talks like an O'Connor woman. I bet she's an engineer, too."
Mike eased out of the car and said, "That's right."
"I hope that you'll invite me to the wedding. I'd love to work security detail," Billy said.
"I'll keep that in mind," Mike said. "It is going to be a big wedding. I'm planning on inviting all six clans of the Donaldson family."
Tripp winked at Jim and said, "It will be a double wedding."
Melinda turned to Jim and whispered, "We eat raw meat and then we leave. Fifteen minutes, max."
"If we eat fast, we can get out in ten."
"Deal."