"Cousin Steve!"
"Cousin Mike!"
"Melinda!"
"Hello Steve."
"You must be Shelly. He said you were pretty and he wasn't lying. He's always had a thing for women with long hair," Mike said.
Steve ran a hand through her hair. When she slapped his hand away, Steve said, "Silky."
Mike said, "I bet that would feel real nice wrapped around..."
"Don't say it," Shelly growled while holding a finger up in the air. "I swear I'll cut it off if one more man says that!"
"Welcome to the family," Mike said. He gave her a friendly grin.
"I'm not marrying Steve," the young woman growled.
"Where have I heard that before?" Melinda asked rhetorically. The poor woman looked positively miserable.
"Help me," the woman said looking over at Melinda.
"Is this your first date?" Melinda asked.
"Yes."
"What do you do for a living?" Melinda asked.
"I write software."
Thinking about how she would react when introduced to Myra, Melinda shook her head and said, "You're doomed."
Steve asked, "Can I borrow your flying saucer?"
"Are you going to take her to your place in Colorado?" Mike asked.
"Yes."
Rolling her eyes, Shelly said, "There he goes again. I don't believe in flying saucers."
"Believe," Melinda said knowing that she sounded crazy.
Mike said, "You'll have to wait until dark to fly it."
"No problem. We aren't going to leave here until after we get a little barbecue," Steve said.
Curious, Melinda leaned over to Shelly and asked, "Why did you agree to go on a date with Steve?"
"I lost a bet."
"Talking to him long enough to make a bet was your first mistake," Melinda said.
Steve grinned and said, "She never had a chance of winning."
"Never bet against a Connor," Mike said while giving Steve a friendly pat on the shoulder.
Melinda asked, "What did you bet on?"
"He said that he could compute pi times e to a million digits in less than fifteen seconds," Shelly said.
"How long did it take?" Melinda asked.
"Five seconds."
"How long did it take you to verify the answer?"
"All day," Shelly said shaking her head. She had wept when the final digit matched.
"You poor thing," Melinda said patting the young woman on the arm. She was going to say more except Tripp and Jim arrived.
"Cousin Steve!"
"Cousin Tripp!"
"You must be Jimbo."
"Yes," Jim said.
Steve said, "Welcome to the family. Cousin Tripp has told me all about you. She said that you pack a weapon in your pants worthy of an Able."
"Oh God," Jim said when Tripp ran a hand over his crotch.
Tripp said, "Definitely worthy."
"I heard you won the obstacle course race," Steve said.
"Yes."
"Congratulations. That just goes to show that are you definitely Ables material," Steve said hitting Jim on the back in a vigorous manner. He turned to Tripp and asked, "How did you do?"
"I'm still the reigning champion in knife throwing," Tripp said. She took the opportunity to pose with her hands clasped above her head.
"Excellent," Steve said.
Shelly asked, "Is this entire family crazy?"
"Yes," Melinda answered in a very serious voice. She sighed and added, "Don't worry. You'll lose your sanity soon and fit right in."
"Why do you say that?"
Melinda said, "A week ago I was a normal person who did normal things. I was a vice president of a major aerospace company running research and development. This week I'm engaged to him, I'm at a picnic surrounded by people who get sexually excited by shooting guns, and I'm building a trebuchet."
Looking hurt, Tripp said, "Hey, we don't get sexually excited by shooting guns."
"Really?"
"Okay, just a little," Tripp admitted causing Steve and Mike to laugh.
Melinda asked, "Do you want to know the worst of it?"
"What?"
"I'm having a good time."
"That won't happen to me," Shelly said without much confidence in her voice. She jumped nervously when a voice called out behind her.
"Cousin Steve!"
"Hello Cousin Wally, Cousin Billy, Cousin Danny, and Cousin Lily," Steve said waving to the young kids.
Wally said, "This must be Shelly."
"Yes, she is," Steve said.
"You said that she was pretty and you weren't lying. I know that you like long hair, but damn man — that is like incredible," Wally said.
Billy said, "I bet it would feel real good..."
"Don't say it," Shelly said glaring at Billy.
"She's a little touchy concerning comments involving tallywackers and hair," Steve said. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Go figure."
"I'd love to have hair like that. I can just imagine a guy hanging onto it while doing me doggy style," Lily said.
"They're all a bunch of perverts," Shelly said rolling her eyes. She vowed to get her hair cut at the earliest possible minute.
"You get used to it," Melinda said with a sigh.
Steve asked, "Has Mike played a game of connect the dots with your freckles yet?"
"That's none of your business," Melinda snapped.
"Yes," Mike answered.
Tripp said, "All Jimbo and I have done is play a couple hundred games of anaconda hides in the hole. Let me tell you, that anaconda loves that hole."
"Anaconda, huh?" Lily said checking out his pants.
"It sure as hell isn't a garter snake," Tripp said patting him in the crotch.
"Oh God," Jim said.
Melinda glanced down at her watch and said, "Shouldn't you kids get back to work? We have to get it finished by five."
"Yes, ma'am," Wally said. As a group they headed back to where the trebuchet was getting constructed.
Tripp studied Shelly for a second, frowned, and then asked, "Where's her gun?"
"I was hoping to borrow one from you for her," Steve said.
"I've only got two on me," Tripp said with a frown.
"Lend one to her. I'd hate to have her play a game of Walk the Talk," Steve said.
Tripp said, "She's not one of those anti-gun nuts is she?"
"She knows how to fire a gun. I didn't think about it until we got here," Steve answered.
Tripp knelt down and rolled up her pants leg. She removed an ankle holster and held up it up for Steve. It was a little two shot derringer. She said, "Be careful. It's loaded."
Shelly took the gun and looked it over with an expression of disgust on her face. Surprising Melinda, Shelly said, "All this little thing would do is piss off someone."
"You use it on the testicles when you're up close and personal," Tripp said apologetically.
"That would work," Shelly said while kneeling down to strap the holster to her ankle. She looked up at Steve and, for the first time since arriving at the picnic, smiled. She said, "Touch my hair one more time..."
"A little fire there," Steve said wiggling his eyebrows.
"I like her," Tripp said.
"You would," Melinda said shaking her head.
Steve said, "Thanks, Tripp. We're going to mingle a bit. Maybe I'll enter her in the pistol shooting contest."
"Have fun," Mike said. "Bring back the saucer in a week. I'm planning on taking Melinda to my place in Colorado."
"The one next to Armstrong's place?" Melinda asked.
"Yes," Mike answered surprised that she knew about it.
The bowling ball flew seventy-five feet and then rolled for another twenty-five feet. Ed stepped back and said, "Beat that, Cousin Mike."
"Happily, Cousin Ed," Mike replied. He looked over at Melinda who just gestured at the trebuchet. It took him a minute to climb up the pole to the seat at the top.
"Hey! Wait a minute," Ed said staring at the device. It had just dawned on him what they had built.
"What?" Mike asked innocently.
"You can't do that," Ed said.
"Why not?" Mike asked.
"You can only use materials that were in the pile," Ed said.
"And I have to operate it. That requires me to sit up here," Mike said.
"Why?" Ed asked.
Unable to resist temptation, Melinda answered, "Design flaw."
"Uh," Ed said unable to figure out how to answer that.
"There's nothing in the rules that say I can't sit on it when operating it." The crowd that had gathered made noises suggesting they agreed with Mike. Mike looked over his shoulder and asked, "What do you think, Cousin Buck?"
"There's nothing in the rules that say you can't sit on it," Buck said.
"Damn," Ed said knowing he had lost the protest.
Buck said, "Fire away."
Mike took the rope and pulled it. The lock that had kept the arm cocked was released. Mike's weight forced the long arm to whip around carrying with it the bowling ball in the sling. It looked like it was moving in slow motion, but appearances were misleading. The ball left the sling and floated through the air. It looked like it went forever, but the distance was closer to a hundred yards.
Mike's journey was a little less spectacular, but much more dangerous. When the seat reached the bottom of the swing, he fell out of the chair. The sudden loss of his body weight to offset the weight of the arm caused the whole mechanism to swing back the other direction. Fortunately for Mike, he did not sit up and the seat missed his head by inches.
Melinda didn't notice the near disaster since her concentration was on the flight of the bowling ball. She jumped up and down excitedly shouting, "Yes!"
Taking care not to get hit, Mike rolled out from under the trebuchet. Sitting up, he said, "You owe us a case of green bottled beer, Cousin Ed."
Ed had watched the seat of the trebuchet swing inches from Mike's head. He said, "You were nearly killed."
"Nah. We had the return swing taken into account in our calculations," Mike said with a grin.
"That was spectacular. Can we do it again?" Melinda asked. Her eyes were glowing.
Buck asked, "Is that Mike's bride to be?"
"Yes, Daddy," Tripp answered.
"I like her spirit. Mike is a lucky man," Buck said.
Tripp said, "I think so, too."
"Has he played a game of connect the dots with those freckles?" Buck asked.
"Yes," Tripp answered.
Buck said, "That must have been fun."
"Do you like Jimbo?" Tripp asked.
"He did a hell of a job in that obstacle course. He even shot Deuce. Let me say that impressed the hell out of me," Buck said.
"I was so proud of him," Tripp said.
"It pissed Deuce off something bad," Buck said with a laugh.
"Deuce will get over it," Tripp said.
Getting a little more serious, Buck asked, "Does he satisfy you?"
"He leaves me limp," Tripp said.
"That's the way it is supposed to be," Buck said. He looked at the trebuchet and said, "Mike still has the magic touch. Ed spent a month putting together this challenge figuring that Mike wouldn't have a chance of coming up with an optimal design on the spur of the moment."
"She had a bit to do with it. She's real smart," Tripp said.
"She would have to be to get his attention," Buck said.
"I think she's smarter than Mike's mom. His mom agrees with me," Tripp said.
"Damn, I like freckles," Buck said. He winked at Tripp and said, "Don't tell your mother."
"Mom's got freckles," Tripp said with a grin.
"Like I said, don't tell her."
The Ables family gathered around the picnic area waiting for the start of the barbecue dinner. There were close to four hundred people present. The half of a cow had been turning on the spit for the entire day. Huge pots of pinto beans had been simmering since the morning. Cast iron frying pans filled with corn bread lay steaming on the tables.
Buck walked out to the front and climbed the podium. In a loud voice that would be the envy of a drill sergeant, he said, "Listen up folks. We've got the results of today's competitions."
Cheers broke out in the crowd. Buck waved them down and said, "First place in the obstacle course race goes to Jimbo!"
Tripp stood up and, waving her arms over her head, shouted, "Way to go Jimbo."
Buck laughed and said, "First prize is a trip to the Kitty Cat Ranch in Nevada!"
"I'll drive you there, Jimbo!" Tripp shouted.
Looking worried, Jim leaned over to Mike and said, "He's just joking, right?"
"He's serious," Mike answered.
Tripp sat down next to Jim and said, "You're going to have to visit Candy. All the boys say she's the best."
"Uh," Jim said unsure how to respond.
Tripp said, "I'm sure that you can ruin her for all the boys. Go there and make me proud."
Shelly asked, "Is she serious?"
"She's serious," Mike said.
"This is a seriously sick family," Shelly said crossing her arms.
"Oh God. She shouldn't have done that," Melinda said seeing how Steve was looking at his date.
Steve leaned over and said, "I love it when you cross your arms like that."
"Why?" Shelly asked.
Steve's reply was nearly drowned out when Buck shouted, "First place in the rapid fire rifle goes to Rich Ables for the tenth time in a row!"
"Way to go Rich!" shouted a woman. "We're going to the Kitty Cat Ranch!"
Mike leaned over to Melinda and said, "That's his wife."
"Ah."
Shelly said, "She says that just like one of those sports stars talking about going to Ratland in California."
"The Kitty Cat Ranch is a hell of a lot better than Ratland," Mike said.
"It is, is it?" Melinda asked wondering how Mike knew that.
Without missing a beat, Mike looked at her and answered, "Yes."
Buck shouted, "First place in sniper fire goes to Mac."
"Way to go Mac!" shouted a woman who appeared to be in her early thirties.
Tripp said, "That's his mother."
"How old is Mac?" Melinda asked staring at the young looking mother.
"Fifteen. He's good. We've been waiting for him to get old enough to compete," Mike said.
"First prize is a visit to the Kitty Cat Ranch."
A young man stood up and danced in place. He shouted, "Alright. I'm going to get me some Candy."
"That's Mac," Mike said as if it wasn't obvious.
"He's only fifteen," Shelly protested.
Tripp said, "His mom won't take him down there until he turns sixteen next month. That's a great age to learn how to leave a woman with a smile on her face."
"That is wrong on so many levels," Shelly said horrified.
"He is an Ables. At his age, an Ables can shoot the dick off a fly at a hundred yards, live a month in the wilderness with nothing more than a knife, and can kill a person with his or her bare hands. The concepts of responsibility, honor, and duty are drilled into an Ables from the crib. Believe me, he is old enough to have sex," Tripp said.
"You really believe that," Shelly said.
In a voice that didn't allow argument, Tripp replied, "I'm an Ables. I know it."
They sat through the announcements of other prizes until Buck said, "And in the ancient weapons of war contest, the first place goes to Mike O'Connor and his bride to be Melinda Davis."
Tripp shouted, "Way to go, Mike."
"Thanks," Mike said.
"The prize is a trip for two to the Kitty Cat Ranch," Buck announced.
Mike shouted, "Alright!"
When Melinda frowned, Tripp asked, "Aren't you excited?"
Afraid that she had leapt to unfounded assumption, Melinda said, "I must have the wrong idea of what happens at the Kitty Cat Ranch."
"Why?" Tripp asked. She thought everyone knew what happens at the Kitty Cat Ranch. It was even on cable television.
"I thought the Kitty Cat Ranch was something else."
"What did you think it is?" Mike asked.
"A whorehouse," Melinda answered.
"You got it right," Tripp said.
Earning a glare from Shelly, Steve said, "It is the best little whorehouse in Nevada."
Flabbergasted, Melinda asked, "Why would I want to go to a whorehouse?"
"Yeah, why would she want to go to a whorehouse?" Shelly asked.
Tripp looked at the two women like they were incredibly stupid. She answered, "If you want to learn how to fuck a man into total submission, there's no better place to go then the Kitty Cat Ranch. They know tricks with toys that can reduce a man to a quivering idiot. One night spent talking to one of those women is worth a lifetime of experience."
"Oh my God," Jim said.
Shelly said, "You look pale. What's the matter Jim?"
Buck shouted, "First prize in knife throwing goes to Tripp."
Tripp stood up and shouted, "I'm going to the Kitty Cat Ranch."
"That," Jim said just before his head hit the table.