Liam said, ""Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that isn't here, members of the concerned audience, untortured witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, prosecutor who doesn't even know how to properly torture witnesses, members of the angry and unruly mob gathered upon the steps of this courthouse, members of the biased and slanderous press, we shall now hear from my first witness on behalf of the poor wretched widow.
"He's known far and wide as an impeccable judge of character. He's a Dwarf among Dwarves! I give you the one ... the only ... the uniquely unique ... Chom!"
Pip clapped while Chom marched to the witness stand. He shouted, "Way to go, Chom!"
"Not him," Judge Jack groaned.
Chom sat down on the witness stand after taking an opportunity to bow to the applause. He preened a bit. He spent a few seconds straightening his beard.
The clerk asked, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"Is that a trick question?" Chom asked.
"No," the clerk said.
"Do I have to answer it?" Chom asked.
"Yes," the clerk said.
"What's the correct answer?" Chom asked.
"Yes," Judge Jack said.
"How can I be a witness for the defense if I answer yes?" Chom asked.
Judge Jack said, "You answer yes and then you answer the questions truthfully."
"There won't be any torture involved, will there?" Chom asked.
"No," Judge Jack said.
"Okay," Chom said. "I'll answer yes."
"You can ask your questions of the witness," Judge Jack said.
"Do you know the poor wretched widow woman over there?" Liam asked.
"Yes," Chom said. He wiped his brow and said, "I didn't have to lie on that one."
"Are you familiar with her character?" Liam asked.
"Yes," Chom answered. He leaned over to the Judge and said, "This witnessing is pretty easy."
"Would you describe her character?" Liam asked.
"I spoke too soon," Chom said. He fidgeted in his chair. He tugged his beard and yanked on his hair. Finally, he said, "She's a character."
"I have no further questions for this witness," Liam said.
Judge Jack said, "The prosecution may cross examine the witness."
"I have no questions," the prosecutor said.
"You may step down," the Judge said.
Chom said, "That was the easiest meatloaf I've ever earned."
Sean jumped up and ran out of the room. Judge Jack asked, "What's wrong with him?"
"He gets sick whenever he hears the word meatloaf," Chom said. "I don't know why. His mother makes the best meatloaf you can possibly imagine."
"I'll ask my wife to get the recipe from her," Judge Jack said.
Lily shouted, "You'll be sorry."
"Call your next witness."
Liam said, "Your judgeship who men say little to nothing about, members of the compassionate jury that still hasn't arrived, members of the extremely frustrated audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, the prosecutor who would prosecute his own mother, members of the angry and unruly mob gathered upon the steps of this courthouse who are still waiting for something to happen, members of the biased and slanderous press who have already tried and convicted my client, we shall now hear from my second witness on behalf of the poor wretched widow.
"He's known far and wide as an impeccable judge of character. He's a Dwarf among Dwarves! I give you the one ... the only ... the uniquely unique ... Pip!"
"Not him too," Judge Jack said hanging his head.
Pip rose from his seat and shook hands with Chom. He said, "You did a most excellent job. I can only hope that I do as well."
"You'll do just as well, I'm sure," Chom said.
Pip sat down on the witness stand after taking a minute to bow to the applause. He preened a bit. He spent a few seconds straightening his beard.
The clerk asked, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"Sure, why not?" Pip answered confidently.
"That's a yes or no question," the clerk said.
"Yes," Pip answered.
"You may now ask questions of the witness," Judge Jake said.
Liam said, "Do you know the poor wretched widow seated over at that table?"
"Yes," Pip said. He turned to the Judge and said, "This is easy."
"Are you familiar with her character?" Liam asked.
"Yes," Pip said. He turned to the Judge and said, "This is going great."
"How would you describe her?" Liam asked.
"Hey!" Pip said. "That's not the question we rehearsed."
"Oops, that was Sean's question," Liam said.
"Just answer the question." Judge Jack said. "How would you describe her?"
"Awkwardly," Pip said after thinking about it for a minute.
Judge Jack said, "I'm looking for a bit more than that."
"I'd agree with Chom. She's a character," Pip said.
"Good save," Chom said.
"I thought so too," Pip said.
"I have no further questions," Liam said.
Pip said, "Well, I'll be going now."
"Hold on a minute," Judge Jake said. "The prosecutor may have some questions for you."
"I do," the prosecutor said. "You said you'd describe her awkwardly. Why?"
"I object," Liam said.
"On what grounds?" Judge Jack asked.
Liam answered, "I don't want you to hear his answer."
"Objection overruled," Judge Jack said. "The witness will answer the question."
"Can I talk to Liam for a minute?" Pip asked.
"No," Judge Jack answered.
"Well, the ... uh ... well ... ah ... it's hard to find the words... ," Pip said searching for an answer.
"I can understand that," the prosecutor said. "Could you please answer the question?"
Liam stood up and said, "I object."
"On what grounds?"
"The prosecutor is badgering the witness. He's answered the question. It's hard to find the words to describe this poor wretched widow."
"Yeah! That's right. Once you get beyond poor, wretched and widow, there just aren't many good words left," Pip said.
"Objection sustained," Judge Jack said.
"That was one bullet ducked," Pip said.
"Good save," Chom shouted.
"I'll step down now," Pip said.
"I want you to describe her," the prosecutor said.
Pip sat there for a moment. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, "Well, she has hair that color. She's tall and shaped like a woman. All of the basic body parts are there except for the beard. I've never gotten used to women without a beard. Some of body parts look pretty good, if you want my opinion."
Liam said, "That's a perfect description of her."
"I agree," Chom said.
"I have no further questions," the prosecutor said deciding it was hopeless.
"Great," Pip said.
Chom said, "I was worried there for a second, but you did great."
Pip said, "Another few minutes of that and I would have cracked. I almost said she was crazy, obsessed, and somewhat delusional with a mean streak a mile wide."
"Be glad you didn't say that where the hanging judge could hear you," Chom said.
"I heard it," Judge Jack said.
"Oops," Pip said.
"You can call your next witness," Judge Jack said.
Liam said, ""Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that must by now have learned they missed the exemplary testimony of my past two witnesses, members of the audience who are anticipating my next witness with bated breath, witnesses whose testimony was not a result of torture and were fairly bought and paid for but not by me, the prosecutor with the disposition of an ogre first thing in the morning, members of the angry and unruly mob now about to riot upon the steps of this courthouse, members of the biased and slanderous press who are even now preparing the gallows for the poor wretched widow, we shall now hear from my first expert witness.
"She's known far and wide as an expert on all things decent and indecent. She's the one you have to chase and love to catch. I give you the one ... the only ... the uniquely unique ... the nymph of nymphs ... Bubbles!"
Bubbles stood up. Judge Jack stared at her. She skipped forward with all of her body parts jiggling. Judge Jack stared. She got into the chair and jiggled. The clerk fainted.
"There's a naked woman in the courtroom," Judge Jack declared once he got control of his mouth. It was fortunate that his mouth was the first body part he got control of since there were other body parts of which he hadn't regained control and he would likely not have control over them for several hours.
"He's got eyes," Chom said.
Pip said, "Don't talk to me. I'm looking at Bubbles."
"She's a nymph," Liam said. "That's her natural state."
"A nympho?" Judge Jack said. "I've always heard of nymphos but I've never had the opportunity to meet one."
"She's not a nympho. A nympho is a human woman who is trying to act like a nymph. She is a real water nymph," Liam said. "You can tell by the blue hair if your eyes ever reach that high up."
The judge looked down at the court clerk who was still out cold. He turned to Bubbles and asked, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"Yes," Bubbles answered while touching the dimple in her right cheek with a finger. She gave a little twist of the finger and all the men in the room went "Aah."
"You may question the witness," Judge Jack said.
Liam asked, "Do you know the difference between decent and indecent?"
"Yes," Bubbles said. She jiggled and all the men in the room went "Ooh."
"Would you say you are an expert on decency and indecency?" Liam asked.
"Definitely," Bubbles said. She rubbed a nipple and all of the men in the room released their breaths at once.
Liam asked, "If the poor wretched widow over there were to show her breasts, would that be decent or indecent?"
"Is there a chase?" Bubbles asked.
"No," Liam said.
"Is there a catch?" Bubbles asked.
"No," Liam said.
"Then it would be decent," Bubbles said. "The indecent doesn't start until the catch."
Liam asked, "Would you show us what indecent would be like?"
"Okay," Bubbles said brightly.
Bubbles jumped up and shimmied. She ran towards the door followed by a crowd of panting men. It took thirty seconds for the melee at the entrance to the courtroom to end. (For those who care about things like that, no one was seriously injured.) Only four males were left in the courtroom -- Liam, Sean, Judge Jack, and the court clerk who was still passed out on the floor.
Liam said, "Now that's indecent."
"She nearly cleared out the room," Judge Jack said. He spotted Sean and asked, "Why didn't you chase after her?"
Sean answered, "I'm with Suzie. Even when I'm not with her, I just don't see other women."
"You're getting so lucky tonight," Suzie said.
"My wife has that same effect on me," Judge Jack said. "I love her romantic lobster dinners."
"I'll be seeing her in court," Sean said.
"What did you say your job was?" Judge Jack asked.
Sean said, "I'm the high priest in charge of sacrificing fries to the boiling oil God of the Mayans down at the Dairy King."
"I remember now," Judge Jack said. "You're also the student who observed the exposure."
"Yes," Sean answered.
Judge Jack asked, "Was it traumatic?"
"Was it ever. A kid should never see his own mother like that," Sean said. "I was blind for a whole day."
"The defendant is your mother?" Judge Jack asked.
"Yes, I'm one of the hungry babies of the poor wretched widow," Sean said.
Lily said, "Dad is going to be so upset when he finds out that his wife is going to be a widow that he's liable to kill himself."
Judge Jack asked, "Do you have more witnesses like him?"
"Yes," Liam answered. "I have a lot of them. Lily was going to be my next witness."
Lily jumped up and said, "I don't want to testify. I don't like that nasty judge. He promised I could go to jail! Did I go to jail? No. How can I become a career criminal like my mother if he doesn't send me to jail?"
"I remember you," Judge Jack said.
Judge Jack picked up the gavel and banged it once on the desk. He said, "I find the defendant not guilty on the basis of sanity."
"Isn't that supposed to be insanity?" Sean asked.
"I thought so," Lily said.
Shocked by the verdict, Liam asked, "I supposed to prove that she was sane?"
"No. I'm talking about keeping my sanity," Judge Jack said while getting up to leave the room. There was a bottle with his name on it in his chambers. That job as dog catcher was looking very attractive.
"Thank goodness. Convincing anyone with half a brain that she is sane would have been an impossible task," Liam said wiping his forehead with his handkerchief.