The bailiff announced, "All rise for the honorable Judge Jack."
Everyone in the court room rose to their feet. Judge Jack walked into the court room and paused to look around. He so enjoyed that moment of attention. It made those many minutes spent getting an on-line law degree worthwhile. He frowned when he spotted the top of someone's head poking up above the defendant's table. He muttered, "Do not let him get to you."
"Hello, Judge Jack," Chom shouted.
"Hi, Judge Jack," Pip shouted.
The judge made his way over to his chair and sat down. He was reaching for his gavel when the bailiff shouted, "You may take a seat. This court is now in session."
Turning to the bailiff, Judge Jack said, "You are just supposed to tell them to take a seat. The whole bit about the court being is session is my line. I start the session and I end the session. I control everything in between. Got it?"
"Sorry. I forgot," the bailiff said.
Turning to the court room, Judge Jack said, "First, I would like to thank the cleaning crew for the wonderful job they did in removing all of that mud. It only took them a week. Now that we've got the mud cleared out, we can proceed. The first case is an indecent exposure on school grounds charge against Mrs. Michaels. Is the prosecution ready to proceed?"
"Yes, Your Honor," the prosecutor said.
Judge Jack said, "So noted. Is the defense ready to proceed?"
"Do I have a choice?" Liam asked.
"Not really" Judge Jack answered.
"I guess I'm ready," Liam said.
Judge Jack said, "The prosecution may make its opening statement."
"Thank you, Your Honor," the prosecutor said. "On the morning of..."
"Boo! Hiss!" Chom shouted.
Pip shouted, "Throw the bum out."
"Quiet in the court room!" Judge Jack said while banging his gavel. "I will not tolerate any outbursts."
"That wasn't an outburst, that was a heckle," Chom said.
"No heckling," Judge Jack said.
Pip said, "Whoever heard of a trial without heckling?"
"Not me," Chom said.
"This is highly irregular," Liam said.
"No heckling," Judge Jack said again.
"I object," Liam said.
"On what grounds?" Judge Jack asked.
Liam asked, "How are we supposed to know who is winning the case without feedback from the audience?"
"You don't," Judge Jack. "Objection overruled."
"I get it now," Liam said. "You want the poor wretched widow to lose."
"No I don't," Judge Jack said.
"Then let her go," Liam said.
"No. We must have a trial to establish her guilt or innocence," Judge Jack said.
"Good try, Liam," Chom shouted.
Judge Jack said, "No heckling."
"That wasn't a heckle, that was an encouragement," Chom said.
"No outbursts. No heckling. No encouraging," Judge Jack said.
"Why have an audience if we can't participate?" Pip asked.
"You are here to see that justice is done and not to be entertained," Judge Jack said.
"That sounds pretty foolish to me," Chom said. "Nothing is more entertaining than watching justice. I can't wait for the angry mob to show up."
"There will be no angry mob," Judge Jack said.
"No angry mob?" Pip asked. "Why not?"
"We don't do that," Judge Jack said.
"I object," Liam said.
"On what grounds," Judge Jack asked.
"Where's the drama?" Liam said.
"There is to be no drama," Judge Jack said. "Objection overruled."
Liam sat down next to Sean's mother. He leaned over and said, "Don't worry. We'll make sure there's an angry mob."
"I'm not sure I want an angry mob," Sean's mother said.
"Sure you do. It's all part of my strategy," Liam said.
Judge Jack turned to the prosecutor and said, "You may continue."
"We will show that on the said morning the defendant indecently exposed herself on school grounds. This is a simple open and shut case in which there are many witnesses to the events of that morning," the prosecutor said.
"You're going to show her indecently exposing herself?" Chom asked.
Pip said, "I'd like to see that."
"Me, too," Chom said.
"I don't," Sean said.
"I'm going to prove that the defendant indecently exposed her breasts on school grounds," the prosecutor answered.
"There will be no questioning from the audience," Judge Jack said.
"What are we allowed to do?" Chom asked.
"Nothing," Judge Jack said. He looked around the room. Pointing over at a garden gnome, he said, "Act like that garden gnome over there."
"I want to see her breasts," the garden gnome said.
"Be quiet," Judge Jack said. "Are you done with your opening remarks?"
"Well, I had a long speech, but I kind of lost my place. I'll just summarize – she's guilty of indecent exposure on school grounds," the prosecutor said.
"Counsel for the defense may make his opening remarks," Judge Jack said.
"This ought to be good," Chom said.
"What did I say about no encouraging?" Judge Jack asked.
"That wasn't encouragement, that was a commentary," Pip said.
"You can add that to the list of things you aren't allowed to do. No commentaries," Judge Jack said. He was half tempted to go back to that website where he had gotten his law degree and demand his money back. Life was a whole lot easier back when he was just the dog catcher.
"Next thing you know, he'll say no breathing," Chom said.
"No commentaries!"
"That wasn't a commentary. That was a complaint," Chom said.
"No complaints," Judge Jack said.
"That's not fair," Chom said.
"I said no complaints."
"That wasn't a complaint. That was a protest," Pip said.
"No protests," Judge Jack said. "The counsel for the defendant may give his opening remarks."
Liam stood up and paced back and forth in front of the judge. He pulled out his handkerchief. He cleared his throat. "Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury..."
"There's no jury," Judge Jack said.
"No jury?" Liam asked.
"No," Judge Jack said.
"That will cut a whole day out of my opening remarks," Liam said in protest.
"Continue," Judge Jack said.
Liam took a moment to pace back and forth in front of the judge. He cleared his throat. "Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the jury that isn't here, members of the concerned audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for..."
"Are you saying that you bribed the witnesses?" Judge Jack asked.
"Who me?" Liam asked trying to look innocent.
"There's to be no bribing of witnesses," Judge Jack said.
Chom said, "This judge is making a mockery of the whole legal process."
"I agree," Pip said.
Judge Jack said, "Please continue your opening remarks."
Liam took a moment to pace back and forth in front of the judge. He cleared his throat. "Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that isn't here, members of the concerned audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, vile and evil prosecutor..."
The prosecutor rose from his chair and said, "I object."
The audience started applauding. Judge Jack asked, "Why are you applauding?"
"We're starting to see some action finally," Chom said.
"It's about time. We've been here for hours," Pip said.
"There is to be no applauding," Judge Jack said. "Now what was your objection?"
"He's slandering me," the prosecutor said.
"There will be no slandering," Judge Jack said.
"This is impossible," Liam said.
Judge Jack said, "Please resume your opening remarks."
Liam took a moment to pace back and forth in front of the judge. He cleared his throat. "Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that isn't here, members of the concerned audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, the prosecutor whose likes haven't been seen since the days of the Spanish Inquisition, members of the angry and unruly mob gathered upon the steps of this courthouse, members of the biased and slanderous press, we are here to prevent a miscarriage of justice from occurring."
"Now that is a sentence," Chom said approvingly.
"Yes it is," Pip said. "You don't get many sentences that long anymore."
The judge cleared his throat. "Be quiet."
"Outrageous and grievous charges have been laid upon this poor wretched widow..." Liam paused to wipe his eyes, " ... whose only crime is wanting to feed and clothe her ten crying babies..."
"We've already established that she isn't a widow and doesn't have ten babies," Judge Jack said.
"I object," Liam said.
"On what grounds?" Judge Jack asked.
Liam said, "You're not supposed to be interrupting me. That's the job of the audience and the unruly mob."
"Objection overruled," Judge Jack said.
"He's making a complete mockery out of this trial," Chom said in disgust.
"No commentaries," Judge Jack said while pointing at Chom. He said, "Please resume your opening remarks and make them accurate."
Liam said, "Outrageous and grievous charges have been laid upon this woman who will one day be a poor wretched widow..." he paused to wipe his eyes, " ... whose only crime is wanting to feed and clothe the ten crying babies she will one day bare."
"I'm hungry," Lily said.
Thinking this was one person with whom he could talk rationally, Judge Jack said, "Young lady. This is a courtroom. If you interrupt the proceedings, I'll be forced to cite you in contempt of court. You'll be taken over to the jail..."
"I'll go to jail?" Lily asked.
"Yes," Judge Jack said.
Lily started jumping up and down. She started chanting, "I'm going to jail. I'm going to jail..."
Judge Jack looked over at the police chief. He asked, "You have no objection?"
"No. She's a frequent visitor to the jail. We enjoy having her around," Chief Fastman answered. "We even stock lollipops for her."
Lily said, "I want to be a cheerleader..."
"Over my dead body," Sean said.
" ... and a career criminal just like my mother."
Judge Jack asked, "Who is your mother?"
"The poor wretched widow over there," Lily answered while pointing at her mother. "I'm one of the ten hungry babies."
"We're going to break two hours for lunch. I need a couple martinis," Judge Jack said. He banged his gavel once and ran from the room.