The bailiff announced, "All rise for the honorable Judge Jack."
Everyone in the court room rose to their feet. Judge Jack walked into the court room and paused to look around. He so enjoyed that moment of attention. It made those many minutes spend getting an on-line law degree worthwhile. He frowned when he spotted the top of someone's head poking up above the defendant's table. He said, "Would the person hiding under the table please stand?"
Liam walked around the table while looking under it. He turned to the Judge and said, "I don't see anyone hiding under the table. Have you been drinking?"
"No. I have not been drinking," Judge Jack said indignantly. "I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing."
"You're the one seeing things that aren't there," Liam said.
"I didn't realize you were a dwarf," Judge Jack said.
"I'm not a Dwarf, I'm a Leprechaun" Liam said indignantly. "I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing."
"You can't cite me for contempt of court," Judge Jack said.
"Why not?" Liam asked.
"Because I'm the judge and that's my job. I don't know who you are."
"I'm Liam."
"Why are you here?" Judge Jack asked.
Liam adjusted his coat. He pulled out a handkerchief and theatrically dabbed his eyes with it. In a emotional voice, he answered, "I'm here defending this poor wretched widow. This unfortunate woman has ten children, all of whom are in diapers. You should see this poor wretched widow struggle to feed and clothe so many babies. Imagine the anguish of being surrounded day and night by ten babies crying to be fed. It is a sight that will break your heart. And what is her reward for her valiant struggles? Charges placed upon her by the evil Sheriff as part of a nefarious plot to force her to marry him."
Chom said, "He's good. Look at him. He's going for the poor wretched widow defense."
"It works every time," Pip said.
Judge Jack looked at Sean's mother and said, "I know the defendant. She has been in my courtroom before. She's not a widow and only has two children."
"She'll be a poor wretched widow when her husband dies," Liam said gravely.
Concerned, Judge Jack asked, "Is he ill?"
"No," Liam answered.
"What about the eight extra children that don't exist?" Judge Jack asked.
"There are plans for eight more children," Liam said.
Pip shouted, "I volunteer to father two of them."
"I'm first," Chom said.
"See, your judgeship," Liam said. "We've got volunteers."
"At the moment, she's not a widow and she's only got two children," Judge Jack said.
"Just look at her. Have you ever seen anyone look so miserable in your entire life?" Liam said.
He gestured theatrically at Sean's mother. She was wearing a battered grey dress with a shawl draped around her shoulders. Black teardrops were drawn just below her eyes. She was bent over doing her best to look miserable.
Judge Jack said, "My daughter's Halloween costume was better than that."
Liam said, "You've got to admit, that's pretty miserable looking."
Nudging Pip in the side with an elbow, Chom said, "He's really good. He knows better than to let the facts get in the way of a good defense."
"Never stick to the facts. That's a sure way to lose," Pip said in agreement.
"You can say that again," Chom said.
"Never stick to the facts. That's a sure way to lose," Pip said.
"I agree," Chom said.
"Could we have quiet in the courtroom?" Judge Jack shouted.
"Only if you shut up," Chom shouted back.
"Who said that?" Judge Jack asked while looking out across the courtroom to see who was talking.
"He did," Pip answered.
"Come up here where I can see you," Judge Jack said.
"Who? Him or me?" Chom asked.
"Both of you," Judge Jack answered.
Chom and Pip pushed their way up to the front of the courtroom.
Rubbing his forehead, Judge Jack said, "I don't believe it – two more Leprechauns."
"I'm a Dwarf, not a Leprechaun" Chom said indignantly. "I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing."
"Same here," Pip said.
Chom looked over at Liam and said, "He can't be much of a judge if he can't tell the difference between a Dwarf and a Leprechaun."
"It's an easy win," Liam said.
Judge Jack said, "What's with the green coats?"
Chom said, "The defendant..."
"You're supposed to call her the poor wretched widow," Liam said interrupting him.
"Sorry, I forgot," Chom said.
Pip said, "You keep forgetting like that and we'll never get any meatloaf."
There was a sudden disturbance created by Sean when he ran from the courtroom. Lily said, "You know you're not supposed to talk about meatloaf around Sean."
"Sorry," Pip said.
Chom said, "The poor wretched widow has a thing for men of small stature who wear green suits."
"It's all part of our plans for the poor wretched widow to have eight more children," Pip added.
Liam said, "You're supposed to wipe tears from your eyes whenever you say poor wretched widow. How am I going to win if you keep undermining my efforts?"
"Sorry, I forgot," Chom said.
Pip said, "This testifying in court is a whole lot trickier than it sounds."
Lily shouted, "Can we sit down? My feet are getting sore."
The judge made his way over to his chair and sat down. He was reaching for his gavel when the bailiff shouted, "You may take a seat. This court is now in session."
Turning to the bailiff, Judge Jack said, "You are just supposed to tell them to take a seat. The whole bit about the court being is session is my line. I start the session and I end the session. I control everything in between. Got it?"
"Sorry. I keep forgetting that," the bailiff said.
Judge Jack turned back to face the court. He looked around for a second and then asked, "Where are the two Dwarves?"
"We're here, your judgeship," came a voice from under one of the rows of benches.
"What are you doing there?" he asked raising from his chair trying to find the Dwarves.
"We're trying to get this bench removed from the floor so we can take it," Chom answered.
"Stop that," Judge Jack said.
Chom said, "He told us we could do it."
Pip said, "He did. I heard him. He said, 'you may take a seat.' So that's what we were doing."
"He meant for you to sit down," Judge Jack said.
"He should have said so," Chom said.
"You can say that again," Pip said.
"He should have said so," Chom said.
"He did. Now sit down," Judge Jack said. Chom and Pip sat down. Judge Jack said, "I'm not done talking with you. Come back up here."
"You just told us to sit down," Chom said. "Make up your mind."
Pip said, "That's all we need is a judge who can't make up his mind."
Judge Jack said, "That does it. I'm finding you in contempt of court. Bailiff, I want these two put in jail for the next twenty-four hours."
Chief Fastman stood up and said, "I object, Your Honor."
"You can't object."
Chief Fastman said, "I know that. It's just that I have to object."
"Why?"
"I don't want them in my jail," Chief Fastman said.
Judge Jack asked, "Why not?"
"The last time we arrested them, they stole the bars from the cell and ate all of our donuts," Chief Fastman said.
"Did you charge them for the theft?" Judge Jack asked.
"No. We didn't have a jail cell to hold them in. It was one of those Catch 66 situations," Chief Fastman said. "We couldn't arrest them for stealing the jail cell because they stole the jail cell."
"You mean, a Catch 22," Judge Jack said.
"No, that's a bullet size," Chief Fastman said.
Judge Jack turned to the two Dwarves and said, "I want you two to sit down and shut up."
"Are you talking to us?" Chom asked.
"Yes," Judge Jack answered.
"Okay," Chom said.
While walking back to the seat, Pip said, "This has been kind of fun. Maybe we ought to come here when we're bored."
"We're always bored," Chom said.
Pip said, "So we'll spend a lot of time here."
Judge Jack turned to the bailiff. He said, "Bailiff, there's a bottle of brandy in my chambers. Would you bring it here?"
"I knew you were a drunk the moment you started seeing people under tables who weren't even there," Liam shouted.
Judge Jack said, "That does it. I'm finding you in contempt of court. Bailiff, I want him put in jail for the next twenty-four hours."
Chief Fastman stood up and said, "I object, Your Honor."
"You can't object."
Chief Fastman said, "I know that. It's just that I have to object."
"Why?"
"He's a Leprechaun. You can't catch a Leprechaun. You don't even want to try to catch a Leprechaun," Chief Fastman said.
Judge Jack said, "He's standing right there. How hard can it be?"
Sean's mother said, "Pretty hard. They do this thing with mud..."
"Don't say I didn't warn you," Chief Fastman said while backing towards the door.
"Bailiff, grab him!"