Sean entered the biology class room. This was the first time he had visited the high school since getting released from the hospital. He had missed one whole day of school. His nose was taped, his ribs still hurt, and his black eye had started to turn ugly. All in all, he thought he looked pretty good.
He had a minor headache that he was sure was going to get worse upon checking up on his lobsters. He wondered if there would be any lobsters and if there were, what genders they would have. His lab book had to contain the screwiest data ever taken on a science experiment.
No matter how many times he went in the biology classroom, walking past all of the skeletons that decorated the room gave him the willies. There were skeletons of fish, a dog, a cat, a bat, and a human being. Deciding that today was the day to face his unease, he paused by the skeleton of a human being.
Looking it over, he said, "I've heard of anorexia, but this is a little ridiculous. You really need to start eating more."
He used his magic to move the jaw of the skeleton. In a high pitched voice, he sang, "I so pretty, so very very pretty."
"No you're not," he said in his regular voice.
"Yes, I am. I have a very sexy rib cage," he said in the high pitched voice. He used his magic to lift the right hand of the skeleton to point to its rib cage. "All the boys want to date me."
"You have no breasts," Sean said in his normal voice.
"You beast! All you boys talk about are breasts," he said in a high pitched voice.
He used his magic on the small wire parts that connected the plastic bones together to get the skeleton to cross its arms. He discovered something pretty odd. It was hard to express emotions when all you had to work with was a skeleton.
"With a good reason. Breasts are great," Sean said.
"You're ignoring the inner me," Sean said in a high pitched voice.
Speaking normally, Sean said, "I can't see anything except for the inner you and it is kind of creepy."
"You are a very mean person," Sean said in the high pitched voice.
Sean said, "You've been standing here. Did you happen to see who is stealing my lobsters?"
"Do I look like I have eyes?"
"No," Sean said.
"So why did you ask such a stupid question?" Sean said in the high pitched voice.
Getting angry, Sean asked, "Who are you calling stupid?"
"You," he said in the high pitched voice.
"How dare you say that?" Sean asked giving vent to his ire.
"I can say that because you're the one who is talking to himself using me as a prop," Sean said in a high pitched voice.
"Oh, yeah," Sean said feeling rather stupid. "Don't forget, I'm the one here with a brain."
"Rub it in."
Sean looked over at the skeleton of a dog. In a cartoon voice, he said, "Woof woof. What are you doing looking at me?"
"I wasn't doing anything," Sean replied.
The dog's head turned to look at the human skeleton. In a cartoon voice, Sean said, "Is this fleshy monster bothering you?"
"He keeps undressing me with his eyes," Sean answered in a high pitched feminine voice.
"Pervert," Sean said in the cartoon voice.
Sean said, "I really wanted to be in the chemistry class mixing random assortments of chemicals together in the hope of finding the perfect ink remover. Instead, I'm stuck in a room full of smart ass skeletons and plastic body parts."
Knowing that arguing with the skeletons was a losing proposition, Sean made his way towards the lobster habitat. He passed a box that held some dirt which was home for a bunch of earthworms. Next to it was an aquarium with a hermit crab in it.
There was a jar filled with sea monkeys. Sean wondered where the student had found them. He had heard that one could buy them from advertisements in the back of comic books years ago, but he couldn't recall seeing anything like that recently.
There was another aquarium with a piece of coral in it. He was thinking that watching coral grow was about as interesting as watching paint dry.
Ms. Bird entered the room and walked over to where Sean was staring at the piece of coral. She was used to him coming into the classroom early in the morning to check on his lobsters. He claimed that he wasn't a morning person and was tortured into waking up early by his sinister sister and evil mother.
She looked over at Sean and remarked, "I read the article in the newspaper. You look terrible."
"Thank you," Sean said. "I've always appreciated honesty, particularly when it comes to my appearance. You have no idea how much it lifts the spirit to hear that you look terrible."
"Actually, I do know," Ms. Bird replied with a smile.
Sean headed over to his lobster habitat. Once there he looked into it expecting to find either two lobsters or none.
She asked, "How are your lobsters?"
"They are duplicating. I now have four of them," Sean said.
"Four?" Ms. Bird said leaning forward to study the habitat. She smiled and said, "How nice. I'm having company tonight."
"Company?" Sean asked looking at her suspiciously.
"Never mind," Ms. Bird replied while looking up at the ceiling.
Sean frowned. He asked, "What kind of company?"
"Not that it is any of your business, but it is the kind of company that keeps you from being alone," Ms. Bird answered. She leaned over to look at the lobsters in the tank.
"Sorry," Sean said.
"I have no idea how I'm going to grade your science experiment," Ms. Bird said with a frown.
It wasn't his fault that someone was taking his lobsters and returning different ones. Still, he wouldn't have collected any data that could possibly be graded.
"That's okay. I have been working on my fall back plan," Sean said.
"What was that, again?" Ms. Bird asked.
"I'm writing a treatise on that most amazing creature – the Sea Cucumber," Sean answered.
Ms. Bird shook her head and asked, "I remember now. How is it coming?"
"Well, I only have about six hundred pages written," Sean answered.
"Only six hundred pages?"
Sean said, "Well, there's a lot of material. The first few chapters of it deal with a basic introduction, the biology of sea cucumbers, and commercial uses of sea cucumbers. I've got a whole chapter dedicated to Japanese Haiku about sea cucumbers. Most of the page count comes from the appendix where I've used a page for each species of sea cucumber."
"It sounds like you've put a lot of work into it," Ms. Bird said. She wondered how long it would take her to read the entire report.
"I'm still working on the modern adaption of Romeo and Juliet," Sean answered.
Looking rather confused, Ms. Bird echoed, "A modern adaptation of Romeo and Juliet?"
"Yes. It stars two sea cucumbers of different species as the main characters. The whole balcony scene where Romeo talks about her being his coral reef will just send shivers down your spine. At least it will when I'm done writing it," Sean said.
"You don't have to include that," Ms. Bird said.
"I want to. It is so sad to think that sea cucumbers have never played a big role in western literature. I want to change that by producing a masterpiece," Sean said.
"I'm looking forward to reading your report," Ms. Bird said.
Sean stared at the lobsters for a second. Looking back over at Ms. Bird, he said, "It sure is strange how they keep disappearing and appearing."
"What? Sea Cucumbers disappear and appear?"
"No. I'm talking about my lobsters, Michael and Michelle," Sean said.
"That is a mystery," Ms. Bird said.
Sean sighed. He turned away only to discover his mother standing at the door of the classroom holding a large plastic sack. Surprised, he said, "Mom! What are you doing here?"
Ms. Bird said, "Hello, Mrs. Michaels. I saw the article in the newspaper. I thought you came across rather motherly in it."
"I thought so too. I wasn't pleased with the photograph they used of me. They blurred out all of the good bits. It made me look flat," Sean's mother said.
Ms. Bird said, "Yes. I would be upset too if I were you."
"Mom! What are you doing here?" Sean said.
"The sad thing is that I gave them a publicity picture to use of me years ago," Sean's mother said.
"The one with your tongue stuck out at the camera?" Ms. Bird said.
"You've seen it," Sean's mother said.
"Yes," Ms. Bird answered. "They have a copy at the movie theater."
"Mom! What are you doing here?"
"They are having an early morning sale on lobsters over at the grocery store. I bought some for dinner and thought I'd store them in your lobster tank until later," his mother answered.
"Sale?" Sean asked.
"They are having a buy one get one free sale on lobsters. They have a special sale every time they are about to get a new shipment of lobsters, but this one is the best ever," his mother answered.
"I might go over there during my break and pick up a couple," Mrs. Bird said.
"You better hurry. They are almost out," his mother said.
"I'll go during second period," Ms. Bird said.
"Excuse me, I need to get through," Ms. Hawkins said.
"Oh, hello Ms. Hawkins," Sean said.
Ms. Hawkins said, "I need to get over to the lobster tank. I picked up a couple of lobsters for a romantic dinner and need a place to store them."
Holding up a plastic bag, Mr. Chambers said, "I've got a couple lobsters here."
"Me too," said Ms. Woodhill. "They are having a really good sale on lobsters this week."
"I know," Sean's mother said elbowing her way from the lobster habitat.
Sean turned around to look at his lobster habitat. It now contained fourteen lobsters. The little habitat was beginning to get crowded.
Ms. Bird was staring at the crowd of people lined up at the door waiting to get in with their lobsters. Chief Fastman held up a plastic bag and said, "I thought I'd store my lobsters here while trying to solve the crime."
"You!" Sean's mother shouted.
"What?" Chief Fastman asked.
"You tried to have me arrested for indecent exposure," Sean's mother said indignantly.
"Well, you were exposed," Chief Fastman said.
Sean's mother said, "Every man there agreed that what was showing was more than decent. Why several of them said that I had the best breasts they'd seen in ages."
"I don't know about that," Chief Fastman said. "That's not what..."
Sean's mother opened her blouse and turned to Mr. Chambers.
Sean took one look at his mother and put his hands over his eyes. He shouted, "I'm blind."
She asked, "Is that a decent pair of breasts?"
"Yes," Mr. Chambers answered.
Chief Fastman said, "Mrs. Michaels, you are under arrest for indecent exposure on school grounds."
"How can you say that?" Sean's mother shouted.
"I'm blind and I'll never be able to see again," Sean wailed.
Ms. Bird said, "Look on the bright side, Sean. I think we know what has been happening with your lobsters."