Sean's mother, upon charging into Suzie's house, took nearly a minute to catch her breath. While waiting, she decided that the den was the safest place to hide until someone was able to bring over some clothes. She did not think it appropriate to be parading around in someone else's home wearing a half bra, sheer panties, garter belt, and stockings. Her high heels had been left behind when fleeing the Dwarves. Her hair, standing out in every direction, gave her the appearance of having stuck a finger in a light socket.
She was quite surprised to discover that the den was not unoccupied. Suzie's father, dressed in his boxer shorts and t-shirt, was getting down his shotgun to clean it. He was unaware that Sean's mother had burst into the room behind him. Not expecting to see him there, Sean's mother gave a little scream.
The shock of a nearly naked woman screaming at him had caused him to drop the shotgun. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the gun was loaded. Fortunately, it was only loaded with birdshot. The gun went off and sent one (count it - one) pellet into his big toe.
At that point in time, Suzie's mother rushed into the room. She was wearing a half bra, sheer panties, garter belt, stockings, and one high heel. A small branch that had become entangled in her hair hung down ruining what could have been considered a rather sexy look.
Despite having had a gun go off inside the house, things were going well so far. Suzie's father was sitting there staring at two women dressed in scanty lingerie thinking the kinds of thoughts that come most naturally to all men in similar circumstances. The effect was somewhat ruined by the fact that Sean's mother was rubbing her ears trying to regain her hearing after being deafened by the shotgun blast.
The wound, with an effort worthy of Hercules, managed to produce a very small drop of blood. Seeing the drop of blood, Suzie's father let loose with a scream that was almost deafening. According to the noise he made, one would have thought that the whole foot had been blown off.
When the scream ended, he shouted, "I've been shot!"
Suzie's mother ran to the backdoor. After throwing the door wide open, she shouted, "Suzie! Your father has shot himself!"
With that little announcement, Sean's quiet afternoon of groveling for Suzie's forgiveness had suddenly come to an abrupt end. A bare fraction of a second later, several things happened simultaneously.
While images of her father lying in a pool of blood flashed through her mind, Suzie jumped out of her chair and shouted, "Oh, no!"
Pip, getting a good eyeful of the risqué outfit worn by Suzie's mom, shouted, "She's almost naked!"
Thinking that he needed to take control of the situation, Sean jumped up and shouted, "We need to get him to the hospital. I'll drive!"
While leaning over to a get a better view of Suzie's mom, Chom fell off the roof landing on his head.
At this point, a sequence of events worthy of a Keystone Cops episode ensued.
Surprised at having a Dwarf fall at her feet, Suzie's mother screamed and slammed the door. Panicked by thoughts of her father dying, Suzie ran towards the door. She tripped over Chom, hit the closed door, staggered back, tripped over Chom, and fell into Sean. The back of her head hit Sean's nose. Sean fell backwards and landed on Pip. In the process of landing on Pip, Sean received a fist in his ribs.
Sean groaned and then said, "I tink ma 'ose iz boken."
"My daddy is dying," Suzie said struggling to get off the pile of bodies under her. Her elbow landed directly in Sean's eye.
Sean moaned, "I tink ma eye iz boken."
It took a while for everyone to get untangled. Sean and Suzie made it into the house after wrestling with the Dwarves to keep them out. Sean took one look at his mother and fell face forward on the floor. His nose was definitely taking a beating.
Suzie's mother was running around the den shouting, "We've got to get him to the hospital before he dies."
Sean sat up and said, "I know ma 'ose iz boken."
Sean's mother was jumping up and down shouting, "We've got to do something."
With a sore eye, broken nose, and ribs that hurt something horrible, Sean struggled to get to his feet. He had just managed to stand upright when the unthinkable happened. His mother's bra, a dainty lacy little thing that hadn't quite covered everything, decided that it was time to end its role in supporting her breasts. The bra went flying across the room. Sean took one look at his mother and fell over backwards. He hit his head on the floor.
Although it seemed like an eternity to those involved, it was only a minute later that the two women were helping the wounded man, Suzie's father, to the car for a quick trip to the hospital. Neither woman was aware of her state of near nakedness. Suzie's father wasn't complaining since he was enjoying attention, as well as the view.
Getting Suzie's father out to the car was quite an experience. While the two nearly naked women were helping to carry him to the car, a swarm of diminutive magical males were doing their best to attract the attention of the women. Dwarves, elves, leprechauns, and even a garden gnome had appeared from nowhere with all of them wearing green coats. All of them, with the exception of the leprechauns, were trying to catch the two mothers. The leprechauns were rolling on the ground laughing.
Suzie was left in the den trying to get Sean off the floor. She grabbed him and shouted, "This is no time to take a nap. You've got to drive up to the hospital!"
Rubbing the back of his head, Sean said, "I tink ma 'ead iz boken."
"Get up," Suzie demanded.
"No wanna zee ma mudder," Sean said.
It was about this time that Suzie noticed that Sean's nose was bleeding. She ran into the kitchen and grabbed a towel. She ran back into the den and shoved the towel against Sean's nose. She was a little over enthusiastic in putting towel to nose. Worried, she asked, "Can you drive?"
"Uh," Sean said cross-eyed. The world had just spun around him after the third blow to his now overly sensitive nose.
Sean made his way to the car with Suzie guiding him. One look at the trio in the rear of the car, Sean wrapped the towel around his eyes so that he wouldn't be able to look at his mother. Suzie was distracted by her father's condition and nearly threw Sean into the car. Sean, unable to see where he was going, bumped his head getting into the car.
He said, "I tink ma 'ead iz boken."
"My daddy is dying. Drive us to the hospital," Suzie said unaware that he had taken another blow to his head.
"I ca't zee," Sean said.
"Take the towel off your head," Suzie said rolling her eyes.
"Ouh, ea," Sean said. He checked the rearview mirror and saw his mother. He immediately covered the mirror with the towel.
"You're nose is bleeding," Suzie said.
While starting the car, Sean said, "I t'ink ma 'ose iz boken."
Suzie's father, having been quiet for too long, decided that it was time to get some attention. He moaned and said, "I'm going to lose the whole foot."
"How did you shoot yourself?" Suzie's mother asked.
"I wasn't expecting her to come over to the house dressed like that. I dropped the shotgun and it went off."
"You aren't supposed to leave it loaded," Suzie's mother said.
"It was loaded with birdshot," Suzie's father said.
"You could have killed yourself."
"Birdshot won't hurt anyone," Suzie's father said.
"It hurt you," Sean's mother said.
She leaned down in an attempt to see the damage from the gunshot. She couldn't see anything except a single drop of blood. It looked like a pretty pathetic wound.
"Don't worry about me. It is just the pain talking," Suzie's father said.
Suzie turned in her seat and asked, "Will Daddy live?"
"Yes."
"Yes."
"You never know with these kinds of accidents. They might have to amputate my foot to save my life."
Sean was blinking his eyes while trying to focus on the road. He asked, "W'en 'id 'hey 'iden ta 'oad?"
"What did you ask?" Suzie asked.
"W'en 'id 'hey w'den 'da roud?"
"Did you just ask me when did they widen the toad?" Suzie asked.
"'Da 'oad!"
"When did they widen the road?" Suzie echoed.
"Yea," Sean said.
"They didn't widen the road," Suzie said.
"'es, day did," Sean said. He could clearly see four lanes where there used to be only two.
The two bickered about whether the road had been widened throughout the drive to the hospital. Sean parked in the emergency drive. The group exited the car and went into the emergency room.
For one stunned moment, the staff stared at the group that had just entered the hospital. There were three nearly naked adults, a teen-aged girl on the verge of shock, and one battered bleeding teenage boy. It didn't take much of an imagination to come up with some scenarios that explained most of what they observed, but a full explanation was beyond most of them.
Once the initial surprise at the unusual sight had worn off, the nurses hustled Sean off to an examining room. One of the nurses had to come out to get the doctors who were rather distracted by the vision of the two women. Suzie's father raised a hand and said, "I was the one who was shot."
Two hours later, Chief Fastman stood by Sean's hospital bed with notepad in hand. Looking down at the teen-aged boy, he asked, "Who beat you up, son?"
"Nobody," Sean answered.
"You have a broken nose, a cracked rib, a mild concussion, and a black eye. Someone beat you up," Chief Fastman said.
"No one beat me up," Sean said.
Chief Fastman said, "You can tell me, son. You and the young lady were in bed when her parents discovered you. The father, in a fit of rage, attacked you."
"No," Sean said.
Chief Fastman said, "I didn't think so. You and the young lady were dressed. The adults weren't."
"Right," Sean said. A shiver went through him at the memory.
"You caught her parents having sex with your mother. When you tried to break it up by shooting her father with a shotgun, he beat you," Chief Fastman said while scribbling furiously in his notebook.
"No," Sean said.
"Are you sure?"
"Quite sure," Sean said.
"I was afraid of that," Chief Fastman said.
After making some additional notes in his notebook, Chief Fastman looked around suspiciously. Once he was sure that no one could overhear him, he leaned over to Sean. In a whisper, he asked, "Does this have anything to do with the thefts of the scientific lobsters?"
"No," Sean said.
"Are you sure?" Chief Fastman asked sounding disappointed.
"Positive," Sean answered.
"That's a pity. I was pretty sure that the gang stealing your scientific lobsters learned that you had talked to me. Gangs don't like it when people talk to the police about their criminal behavior," Chief Fastman said.
"Do you think it is a gang stealing my lobsters?" Sean asked.
"I haven't ruled it out," Chief Fastman said. "Who else would traffic in stolen lobsters?"
"I didn't think about it that way," Sean said.
"Are you sure that members of the gang didn't attack you to get you to ask me to drop the investigation?" Chief Fastman said.
"There was no gang there," Sean said.
Chief Fastman said, "This is a real mystery. No one seems to know how you got hurt."
"All I remember is a dwarf falling from the sky, a gunshot, and my mother wearing... ," Sean started to say. His mind refused to recall details about seeing his mother.
Chief Fastman said, "Ah ha! No one mentioned a dwarf falling from the sky."
"Is that important?" Sean asked.
"It could be," Chief Fastman said. "It all depends on why the dwarf fell from the sky."
"He was trying to catch my mother," Sean said.
"So you broke up an attempted kidnapping of your mother," Chief Fastman said. This was almost as good as having a case involving a gang.
"No. She was trying to get a leprechaun to chase her," Sean replied.
"Why would she do that?"
Sean said, "She figured she would let him catch her so that she could catch him and get his gold."
"Devious," Chief Fastman muttered while scribbling some more notes in his notepad.
Sean said, "I don't think her plan worked."
"It doesn't look like it to me," Chief Fastman said.
"Her plans to catch a leprechaun never work out," Sean said.
Chief Fastman asked, "Are there any other details about the attack on you that you can remember?"
"No," Sean said. "To tell the truth, I don't remember being attacked."
"Well, if you remember anything let me know."
Sean said, "I'll do that."
Chief Fastman said, "I don't think I'm going to make much progress on the case at the moment. I guess I'll head home now. The wife is putting together a romantic dinner for us."
"Really? That's nice of her," Sean said.
"She's making a lobster dinner," Chief Fastman answered. He closed his notebook and put it in his shirt pocket.
"What?"