Sean drove down the road to the mall feeling a little grumpy. His weekend was not going according to plan. Saturday night was supposed to have been date night, but the date had ended up being an inquisition filled with trick questions. He made a mental note never to bring up the idea of a harem ever again. Needless to say, there had been no sex. He had not slept well that night.
His mother had been in rare form earlier that morning. She had dragged him out of bed two hours before sunrise. He was not a morning person under the best of circumstances and the lack of sleep had made it even worse. His mother had noticed the tensions between Suzie and him. She had grilled him over breakfast trying to discover what he had done wrong. Like any woman she had naturally assumed it was the man's fault and was determined to pry the information from him. After getting the truth from him, she had declared that it was his fault and that he should make amends.
On top of everything else that had gone wrong, he had stopped by the school to feed his lobsters only to discover that the habitat was empty. He had no idea how they could have managed to escape. He had spent an hour looking for the lobsters but there had been no trace of them anywhere in the school. He muttered, "Someone must have taken them. Lobsters just don't walk off all by themselves."
Sean headed towards the mall after deciding that his mother's advice to purchase an apology present was probably a good idea. Unable to decide what would make an appropriate present, he said, "I guess I'll just have to look around until something strikes me."
Something odd grabbed his attention when he approached the mall. A sign which advertised that the mall was only five miles ahead had a rocket car stuck through it. Like any normal driver, he slowed down to investigate. He came to a stop in front of the sign and got out of the truck. Walking over to the rocket car, he recognized the rather massive man seated atop the rocket car. Sean said, "Hello Chief Fastman. How are you doing today?"
"It could be a little better," Chief Fastman answered balancing precariously in his seat. He had managed to climb out of the driver's seat and onto the body of the car. The car was at least ten feet off the ground. He didn't think it would be too healthy for a person his size to fall that distance.
"I know the feeling," Sean said. "I'm having one of those kinds of days myself."
"It happens to the best of us," Chief Fastman said.
"How does the car handle?"
"It is a little faster than I'm used to," Chief Fastman answered. He looked down at the ground and said, "It tends to leave the ground when I hit a bump."
"I tried to warn the Dwarves that might happen," Sean said looking up at the policeman.
"It goes fast. I might even hazard a guess that it goes a little too fast," Chief Fastman said. It seemed to him that it had two speeds — sitting still and airborne.
Sean asked, "How fast does it go?"
"I probably hit about five hundred miles per hour before launch. It is hard to tell since there isn't really a speedometer in it," Chief Fastman answered. There were some who believed that he had a reputation for exaggeration.
"That is fast," Sean said.
Chief Fastman sat there for a few seconds and then said, "I think I'll go back to riding the bike."
"That might be a good idea," Sean said. Chief Fastman had to have lost forty pounds while peddling the bicycle around the area. In a couple more years, there was a chance that he would actually be thin.
"It'll be hard catching speeders. Of course, I haven't had much luck catching speeders in this thing either," Chief Fastman said.
"Why not?"
"I keep ending up in billboards," Chief Fastman answered pointing to the front of the car.
"That would tend to put a damper on the old ticket writing routine," Sean said trying to sound wise. He looked down the road and noticed that there were a couple of billboards with holes in them.
"Yeah. I see a speeder and get too excited. I just can't help it; I floor it. The next thing I know is that I've passed the speeder and then I'm airborne," Chief Fastman said.
"Zero to a hundred in four seconds?" Sean asked.
"It is closer to three," Chief Fastman said.
"Three seconds?" Sean asked.
"No. Three hundred miles per hour," Chief Fastman answered.
"That is fast," Sean said. "Speaking from experience, I can say that the Dwarves do like fast cars."
"Do you know what really makes me mad?" Chief Fastman asked.
"No."
"I hate it when the speeder drives past while pointing and laughing at me when I'm stuck in the sign," Chief Fastman said.
"I can imagine how it must make you feel," Sean said.
"Yeah," Chief Fastman said. He sat there looking down at Sean while Sean looked up at him. Neither one could think of much else to say. Finally, Chief Fastman asked, "You wouldn't happen to be able to help me down from here?"
"Oh, sorry about that. I should have offered to help out," Sean said. He looked down at his pants trying to remember where he had put his gloves. His pants were covered with pockets containing twelve pounds of miscellaneous items for use in emergencies like this. It was only the sixth pocket before he found a pair of gloves.
It took Sean a couple of minutes to get Chief Fastman off the car and the car lowered down to the ground. While walking around to inspect the car, Chief Fastman said, "You're a handy person to have around."
"Thank you," Sean said. He used his magic to bring the gloves back. He tucked them into his back pocket.
Chief Fastman said, "I guess I better get back to patrolling the community. There are lots of crooks out there just begging to be caught."
"I didn't realize this was a hotbed of crime," Sean said perking up. He figured this might be the start of his new career as a crime fighter.
"It is. There are speeders galore; not to mention folks that make turns without using their turn signals," Chief Fastman said. He would complain, but it did represent job security.
"Sounds dangerous," Sean said. There wasn't anything here that required magic to set right.
"Very," Chief Fastman said.
Sean watched Chief Fastman get into his missile shaped car. The wheels spun when the chief pressed the accelerator. Sean got back into his truck and drove to the next billboard. Parking, he got out and walked over to the billboard. Looking up, he said, "Hello Chief."
"Hello, Sean. It has been a long time since I've seen you," Chief Fastman said. He wasn't very good at small talk.
"At least three minutes," Sean said. "Do you need some help, Chief?"
"If you wouldn't mind," Chief Fastman answered. He looked through the window at the ground below. He wasn't looking forward to trying to get out of the car.
"Just stay inside while I lower the car to the ground," Sean said while rummaging through his pockets for his gloves. It took him a minute to remember that he had put them in his back pocket.
"I think I will," Chief Fastman said. "If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know."
"You could help me with a problem I've got with my lobsters," Sean said while the gloves lowered the car to the ground.
"What kind of problem?" Chief Fastman asked. He climbed out of the car and pulled out his little notepad.
"I think someone is stealing my lobsters and replacing them with others," Sean answered.
"That sounds like a serious crime," Chief Fastman said. He was thoughtful for a moment and then asked, "Is there anything special about these lobsters of yours?"
"Yes," Sean answered.
"What?"
"They are my science project," Sean answered.
"Ah, scientific lobsters," Chief Fastman said. "That makes it an even more serious matter."
"That's right," Sean answered.
"At least they aren't eating lobsters. That wouldn't be such a serious matter at all," Chief Fastman said. "I mean — what kind of a crime is it to eat food?"
"Uh, right," Sean said.
With his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth, Chief Fastman made some notes in his little notepad. Looking up, he asked, "Where is this criminal activity taking place?"
"At my high school," Sean answered.
"That's out of my jurisdiction, but I'll talk to my brother," Chief Fastman said. He folded up his notepad and put it back in his pocket.
"I'd appreciate it," Sean said.
Chief Fastman said, "I can't make any promises. My brother isn't as good of a criminal investigator as I am. I was the first of us to get a magnifying glass when we were kids."
"That's interesting," Sean said.
Leaning against his car, Chief Fastman polished his fingernails against his chest. Looking over at Sean, he said, "Yes. I'm the real investigator in our family. I remember when I was eight someone stole my mother's reading glasses."
"That is a major crime," Sean said doubtfully. He looked around wondering how he was going to get out of there.
"We never caught the culprit, but I did recover her glasses," Chief Fastman said.
"Where were they?" Sean said.
Chief Fastman answered, "Someone had hidden them on a chain around her neck."
"Huh?" Sean asked. It didn't sound to him like a crime had occurred.
"We call that hiding the stash in plain sight. Only the really nasty crooks do things like that," Chief Fastman said.
"I've never heard of that strategy," Sean said.
"Shirley Holmes described it in her famous story the Perfumed Letter," Chief Fastman pontificated.
"Don't you mean Purloined Letter by Sir Author Conon Doyle?" Sean asked.
"No. I'm pretty sure it was the perfumed letter by Shirley Holmes," Chief Fastman answered. "I read all of the great detective authors: Shirley Holmes, Agate Christie, Sue Grafted, and Hillary Queen."
"You mean Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie, Sue Grafton, and Ellery Queen?" Sean asked.
"You must not be going to the same library as me," Chief Fastman said.
"I guess," Sean said.
Chief Fastman shook his head and said, "The education system is really getting bad."
"I wouldn't say that," Sean said.
Chief Fastman said, "Well, I guess I better head on back to the station."
"I guess I better head to the mall," Sean said.
"What are you going to do there?"
Sean said, "I'm buying a present for my girlfriend. She's a little upset with me."
"If you wouldn't mind a little advice -- don't buy her a weed whacker. I learned that one the hard way," Chief Fastman said. He rubbed the back of his head feeling the ever present bump. He said, "Who knew that the little lady could wield a cast iron frying pan like a fly swatter?"
"What would you suggest?" Sean asked.
"You might try a lawnmower," Chief Fastman answered.
"Good idea," Sean said scratching that off his list of potential items. He watched Chief Fastman get in his car.
"Take it easy," Chief Fastman said while waving at Sean through the window of the car.
"Be careful with the..." Sean said watching Chief Fastman launch the car into the next billboard. He said, "Oh well. The mall is only a couple of miles away. I should reach it before it closes."
Sean parked his truck next to the billboard and climbed out of it. He looked up at Chief Fastman and said, "Hello."
"Ah, we are going to have to stop meeting this way," Chief Fastman said looking down at Sean.
"That might be a good idea," Sean said.
Chief Fastman pointed at the sign and said, "I'm thinking that we might want to outlaw these signs. They are a traffic hazard."
"Most people seem to be able to avoid them," Sean said.
"Would you mind helping me down from here?" Chief Fastman asked.
Reaching in his back pocket, Sean pulled out his gloves. He sent them over to the missile car and pulled it from the sign. He gave a second command that had the gloves lower the car to the ground. With a separate command, the gloves returned to his pocket. Sean glanced over to his right and noticed the stone pillar beside him. He leaned against it and said, "I'm getting pretty good at this."
Looking pale, Chief Fastman got out of the car and stepped around it so that it was between him and Sean. He asked, "What's that?"
Sean looked over to his right and noticed that the stone pillar looked a lot like a very large leg. He stepped back and noticed that there was a rest of a person above the leg. The head was a long way up there. He answered, "I don't know. Maybe we should ask."
"That might be a good idea," Chief Fastman said while fumbling with his holster. This was one of those times when he really disliked the fact that his wife used superglue to fix the strap on his holster. She still hadn't forgiven him for shooting the television when the last election results had been announced.
Sean looked up at the huge man standing beside him and asked, "Who and what are you?"
"Who and what are you?" asked the huge man made of stone.
"I'm Sean and I'm a human."
"I'm Rock and I'm a Giant."
"Nice to meet you, Rock," Sean said.
Rock said, "It is nice to meet you, Sean."
"The gentleman over there by the car is Chief Fastman," Sean said.
"Hello Chief Fastman."
"Hello, Rock," Chief Fastman said not quite sure that he was all that happy about having a giant move into his town. On second thought, he decided that he wasn't happy about having a giant move into his town. His third thought was in the same vein.
Ignoring the unhappy expression on Chief Fastman's face, Rock bent over and sniffed the car. Looking over at Chief Fastman, he said, "That smells like it was made by Dwarves."
"The Dwarves made it," Chief Fastman said.
"You are friends with Dwarves?" Rock asked.
"What's the matter? Don't you like Dwarves?" Sean asked.
"Most Dwarves are okay, but there's one who is totally vile. He preys upon innocent women and defiles them with his greasy body," Rock answered. He raised a fist to the sky and shook it. He growled, "I will catch him one day and he will pay for his sins."
"Who?" Sean asked. He didn't want a Dwarf like that hanging around his house.
"Chom is the name of that depraved Dwarf," Rock said with a growl that sounded a lot like an earthquake.
"What did he do?" Sean asked curious about what Chom could have done to deserve that kind of reputation.
"My wife still had nightmares about it. It was so horrible I don't want to talk about it," Rock said. He looked at the car and asked, "Why did the Dwarves make that for you?"
Chief Fastman answered, "They agreed to replace a car destroyed by Stomp."
"Stomp is here?" Rock said standing up and looking around excitedly.
"Yes. He's over at the mall," Chief Fastman answered pointing in the direction of the mall.
"I like Stomp. He's fun to wrestle," Rock said with a grin. His grin showed off a row of perfectly large stone teeth.
Sean said, "That's great. Ever since the police gave up trying to arrest him, Stomp has been looking for someone with whom he can wrestle."
"You are friends with Stomp?" Rock asked surprised. A lot of people didn't like toll trolls. It was his experience that most people didn't appreciate paying tolls or getting thrown off bridges.
"He and I occasionally play pirates," Sean answered. He wished that he could take a few minutes to play with Stomp, but he had to get a present for Suzy.
Grinning broadly, Rock said, "That sounds like fun."
"No it doesn't," Chief Fastman interjected. He wished the mayor had taken his advice and made it illegal to play pirates using small trees for swords. He muttered, "The last thing I need is another power outage at the mall."
Sean said, "I better head over to the mall before the stores close. I still have to buy my girlfriend a present."
"I better head out also," Chief Fastman said getting back into his car. Just before closing the door, he said, "Remember, get her a lawnmower."
"Lawnmower? Why would you give a girl a goat as a present? I always get my wife a nice sack of coal," Rock said.
"Goat?" Chief Fastman said scratching his chin thoughtfully. "That's not a bad idea. I'll have to keep that in mind for the next time I get the little lady upset with me."
"I'll think about it," Sean said. He could imagine how Suzy would react to a goat or a sack of coal and it wouldn't be pretty.
Chief Fastman said, "I better head on back to the office."
Sean watched Chief Fastman maneuver his car onto the road with his wheels spinning. Watching the car's unstable progress down the street, Sean said, "I'll never make it to the mall at this rate."
When the car hit a bump, it launched into the air. Rock said, "I'll get the fat man and his chariot down."
"Thanks," Sean said relieved that he could head straight to the mall.
"Goodbye, Sean," Rock said taking the most direct path towards the sign down the street. It looked like he was moving in slow motion, but his size was misleading.
"Goodbye, Rock," Sean said. He watched Rock walk through the billboard leaving a stack of kindling in his wake. He said, "I've got a feeling the insurance rates in this area are going to rise."