Taking a break from the difficult job of sacrificing French Fries in boiling oil, Sean was seated at the picnic table at the Dairy King wondering how he was going to get some gold. His money was quickly running out despite having a job. His mother had given him his allowance and that had increased the pile of money in his desk drawer. Still, it wasn't enough to buy much gold.
"How are you doing?" Chom asked sitting down beside Sean.
"I'm okay. I'm trying to figure out how to buy some gold," Sean said staring at his compass. It was basically useless in trying to find some gold. After that little problem with finding his mother's wedding ring, he had tried using it well away from the house. It had led him to his gold-plated truck. There was just too much gold around to find some that he could keep.
Pip said, "You can't buy gold."
"Why not?" Sean asked surprised to hear that.
"You do know that you have to use magic to get it, don't you?" Chom asked looking over at Sean.
"I didn't know that," Sean said looking at Chom incredulous that he had left out an important little detail like that.
Nudging Chom, Pip said, "We might not have explained that little rule."
"I thought we did," Chom said looking confused.
"I think we might have thought about it," Pip said.
"I definitely thought about it," Chom said.
"Are there any other rules that you didn't tell me?" Sean asked getting worried.
"None that I can think of," Chom said tugging on his beard.
"That doesn't mean that there aren't any other rules," Pip said helpfully.
"That's true," Chom said nodding his head in agreement.
Pip said, "There are probably hundreds of rules that we haven't told you about."
"You didn't tell me any rules," Sean said trying to remember that day when he had been given the gift of magic.
"Well then, you have your answer," Chom said.
"What?" Sean asked.
"There are hundreds of rules that we haven't told you," Pip answered.
"Well what are they?" Sean asked thinking it was about time that he learned the limits of his magic before he got hurt or something.
"I don't remember," Chom said scratching the back of his head.
"What do you mean, you don't remember?" Sean asked.
Chom shrugged his shoulders and said, "I have problems remembering rules. Sometimes I find it more useful to make them up as I go along."
Nodding his head in agreement, Pip said, "We will probably remember a rule when you break it and then we'll tell you that you broke a rule."
"Right," Chom said finding that was a perfectly reasonable plan.
Sean said, "That won't help me if I break a rule that ends up killing me."
"We'll tell you those rules," Pip said.
"When we remember them," Chom added.
Pip said, "If we remember them."
"Great," Sean said feeling depressed.
Chom said, "You are going to need a lot of gold."
"Why?" Sean asked.
"I don't remember. I just remember that Merlin had tons and tons of it," Chom said.
"I don't remember him having tons of gold. Are you sure it was tons?" Pip asked looking over at Chom.
"Well, it might have been pounds," Chom said after a minute of thinking about it.
"I don't remember it was pounds. Are you sure it was pounds?" Pip asked.
"It might have been ounces," Chom said.
"That sounds a little better," Pip said.
Chom said, "Now that I think about it, he might not have had much gold at all."
"I think you're right," Pip said.
"So do I need a lot of gold or not?" Sean asked.
"Definitely," Chom said sounding confident in his answer.
"Definitely what?" Sean asked.
"You need a lot of gold or not," Pip answered. He leaned over to Chom and asked, "Did we pick a good one?"
"I don't know. Sometimes I wonder. He doesn't know the rules and he doesn't know how much gold he needs," Chom said.
"Well, you won't tell me," Sean said getting frustrated.
Pip said, "He's always blaming us for his shortcomings."
"You can say that again," Chom said looking at Pip expectantly.
Making Chom wait for it, Pip looked around for a few seconds. About the time that Chom was about to repeat himself, he said, "He's always blaming us for his shortcomings."
"No I don't," Sean said rolling his eyes.
Chom stood up and said, "Now that we've answered all of your questions it is time for us to be on our way."
"You didn't answer any questions," Sean said. He still didn't know how much gold he needed or what were the rules to using magic.
"We've got lots of work to do," Pip said looking serious.
"What work?" Sean asked wondering what the Dwarves were plotting.
"We've got to find some metal," Chom said.
Sean looked at Chom and asked, "What do you need some metal for?"
"It is a secret," Pip said evasively. Chom nodded his head in agreement.
"I know where there's some metal," Sean said wondering what they were doing that was so secret.
Pip asked, "Where?"
"Where?" Chom asked.
"At the mall. Stomp flattened a couple of police cars," Sean said.
"You don't say," Pip said stroking his beard.
"I just did," Sean said.
"So you did," Chom said.
Thinking about his conversation with the Chief of Police, Sean said, "I bet the police would pay you to make new police cars out of that metal."
"That wouldn't be good," Chom said with a frown.
"We won't get our airplane if we use the metal to make cars," Pip said covering his mouth as if he had just let some great secret out.
"It is kind of hard to get soda and popcorn without money," Sean said wondering what Dwarves knew about airplanes.
"That's true," Pip said. The plant lady at the convenience store was always chasing them out of the place because they didn't have any money.
"Can you buy meatloaf?" Chom asked deciding that there might be some merit to earning a bit of money.
Upon hearing that dreaded word, meatloaf, Sean ran off towards the woods with a hand over his mouth. Watching him go, Pip asked, "What's the matter with him?"
"I don't know," Chom said. He listened for a minute and then commented, "The noises he is making aren't natural."
"I don't know what he's doing, but I can smell it from here," Pip said wrinkling his nose.
"It sure smells bad," Chom said edging away.
Pip asked, "Do you think he's going to figure out how to get some gold?"
"He's not entirely stupid," Chom answered trying to spot Sean in the woods.
"Let's head to the mall and visit Stomp. Maybe we can work out a deal for some metal," Pip said.
"We better bring a Leprechaun with us," Chom said.
While the pair of Dwarves walked off, Pip said, "Good idea. I bet we can negotiate for four big bottles of soda each."
"Maybe we can even get two boxes of popcorn each," Chom said.
Sean returned to work after recovering from his trip to the woods. Holding a French fry above the fryer he said, "You will tell me all you know or I will drop you in the boiling oil!"
"No!" he cried out in a high pitched voice.
"Who is blackmailing Rita?" Sean asked shaking the fry.
"I will tell you nothing," he answered in a high pitched voice.
"Talk now or it is the oil for you!"
"No!"
Sean released the French Fry and watched it fall into the fryer while crying out in a high pitched voice, "Nooooo!"
Shaking his head, Mr. Catchums asked, "Are you done torturing French Fries?"
"It depends," Sean answered looking at his boss.
"It depends on what?" Mr. Catchums asked afraid of the answer.
Sean leaned forward and said, "It depends on if you want to know who is blackmailing Rita Onion Ring or not."
"Why are the French Fries blackmailing Rita Onion Ring?" Mr. Catchums asked wondering why he was bothering to ask.
"For engaging in natural acts with Ryan Onion Ring," Sean answered.
"Shouldn't that be unnatural acts?" Mr. Catchums asked thinking one would only get blackmailed for committing unnatural acts.
"What kind of onion ring do you think Rita is?" Sean asked shocked and dismayed by the suggestion that Rita was anything but a good onion ring.
Deciding that he had enough of this foolishness, Mr. Catchums said, "It is approaching closing time. You need to clean up."
"Okay," Sean said looking around his work area. It wasn't all that messy.
"If you find my keys, let me know. I can't find them," Mr. Catchums said patting his pockets as if checking that his keys were still missing.
"I can probably torture the location of your keys out of the French Fries," Sean said. He gave the bag of French Fries a dirty look and said, "They're criminals. Odds are good that one of them stole your keys or knows who did."
"Just clean up the kitchen," Mr. Catchums said shaking his head. Sean was a good worker, but there was something that just wasn't right in his head.
Sean waited for Mr. Catchums to leave the kitchen area before ordering the sponge to start cleaning. He stood there for a second watching the sponge float around the room scrubbing away grease and smudges from the surfaces of the kitchen equipment. An idea came to him and he reached into his pocket for his locating compass. Looking at it, he ordered, "Find the closest lost keys."
The needle spun towards the backdoor. He walked in the direction indicated by the needle. He opened the door and stepped through. The needle turned so that it pointed behind him. Sean said, "That's strange. First it was pointing in front of me and then it is pointing behind me. I wonder what that means. Perhaps I walked past them. Or maybe some villain is trying to sneak the keys off behind my back."
Sean turned around and looked at the door knob. He was about to grab it when he thought to look down at the ground. Smiling, he spotted the keys lying on the ground. He said, "You can run, but you can't hide from me."
He picked up the key ring and headed back into the store. He noticed that the sponge was still cleaning. He went into the front and held up the keys. He said, "Mr. Catchums, your keys were taken by Black Bart Burger. I found his hiding spot."
Mr. Catchums looked over at Sean and saw the young man was holding out his keys. Taking the keys from Sean, he asked, "Where did Black Bert Burger hide them?"
"I know it is easy to confuse Black Bart Burger with his twin brother Black Bert Burger, but the villain in this case was Black Bart Burger. He hides his stolen goods on the ground near the backdoor," Sean said.
Mr. Catchums said, "The logical explanation is that I dropped them."
"That's a boring explanation. I like mine better and I'm sticking to it," Sean said looking at his boss.
"Thanks for finding my keys," Mr. Catchums said shaking his head. It wasn't worth arguing about it.
"You're welcome," Sean said. He returned to the kitchen to watch the sponge at work. He thought about Black Bart Burger for a few minutes and then said, "If I can find lost keys without interference from unlost keys, then I can find unowned gold without interference from owned gold. There's an idea in that sentence somewhere."
He looked down at this locator compass and said, "Point in the direction of the nearest unowned gold."
The pointer moved to indicate a direction. Sean let loose with a wicked laugh and said, "It works. All right! I'm going to get me some gold."
"What are you doing?" Mr. Catchum called out.
"I'm plotting the demise of the head of the lettuce leaf cartel," Sean answered.
"Don't make it too bloody," Mr. Catchem said. All he needed was ketchup sprayed around the kitchen. He muttered, "There's something wrong with that boy. He cleans like a demon, but that head of his is on sidewise."
The sponge, having run out of dirty surfaces, finally stopped cleaning. Sean ordered the sponge to return to the sink. Once it was there, he said, "Mr. Catchums, the kitchen is clean."
"You can go home now," Mr. Catchums said knowing that he didn't need to check Sean's work. The kid always left the kitchen spotless. It was unnatural.
Sean went outside following the pointer on his locator compass. Looking down at it, he oriented himself so that he was facing in the proper direction. Looking up all he saw was the woods. He said, "I think I've got a problem. I know in what direction it is, but I don't know how far away it is. That is not good."
"I must triangulate," Sean said waving a finger in the air. He walked a few feet to the side and looked at the direction the pointer was pointing. It hadn't changed direction. He moved a few more feet to the side and saw that it still didn't change direction.
Having cleaned the front counter, Suzie came over to where Sean was walking sideways and said, "We can go now."
"In a minute," Sean said taking a couple of steps to the side. The pointer still didn't change direction.
Suzie watched him thinking that it was rather unusual behavior even for him. Giving up on finding a rational explanation on her own, she asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm finding some gold," Sean answered.
"That's interesting," Suzie said. She sat down at one of the tables and watched Sean walking sidewise across the parking lot. After he had made his way to the far end of the parking lot, she said, "That sure is a strange way to find gold."
Sean came back to her and said, "There's gold that way, but I don't know how far away it is."
Suzie looked at the locator compass in his hand and asked, "What is that?"
"It is my locator compass," Sean answered quite proud of the witty name he had come up with for the device. He had considered calling it the loca-tron, but there were no electronics involved.
"How does it work?" Suzie asked looking over the device. It just looked like a compass to her.
"I order it to point at something and it points at it," Sean answered.
"Can you show me how it works?" Suzie asked curious about this new application of magic.
"Point at the handsomest man in the world," Sean ordered. Smiling, he held it out for Suzie to look at.
Suzie pointed off to the side and said, "He's that way."
"It must be broken," Sean said looking down at it. Seeing that it was pointing off to the side, he said, "It is supposed to be pointing at me."
"You might not be its type," Suzie said with a smile.
"Point at the most beautiful woman in the world," Sean ordered. The needle swung to point directly at Suzie. He said, "I guess it only works half of the time."
"Right," Suzie said amused at his honest puzzlement.
Pointing to the woods, Sean said, "I know there is some gold in that direction. I just don't know how far away it is."
"We'll just have to triangulate," Suzie said.
"That's a brilliant idea," Sean said hugging Suzie.
Fishing for a little compliment, Suzie asked, "Do you really think so?"
"Of course," Sean answered. "I already thought of it."
Sean and Suzie got into his truck. He drove off in a direction for a mile until the needle started changing direction a little. Sean stopped and said, "It is off in that direction now."
"I would say that puts it a long way away," Suzie said trying to figure out how far it would be.
"We'll just drive around until we hit it," Sean said. He turned down a street that headed in the right direction.
Seeing that Sean had turned into a dead-end street, Suzie said, "Maybe we should get a map."
"We can't do that," Sean said looking at her with a horrified expression on his face.
"Why not?" Suzie asked.
"Getting a map is worse than asking directions," Sean said knowing that knowing where you are going is not a manly activity. Seeing the look she gave him, Sean explained, "Men are trailblazers. We aren't supposed to know where we are going."
"That makes sense," Suzie said rolling her eyes. She looked down at her wristwatch wondering if she would get home before morning.
"I am a manly man," Sean said. He cocked an arm to show off his mighty muscles despite the fact that his muscles could hardly be called mighty.
"What are you doing?" Suzie asked.
"I'm showing off my great physique," Sean answered.
"That must explain why I'm breathless," Suzie said smiling at him. He might be a goofball, but he was her goofball.
After driving down dark roads for half an hour, Sean finally reached the place where the needle was moving in a manner consistent with being near the gold. Looking across the broad expanse of ground, he said, "We are here."
"Where are we?" Suzie asked trying to peer out into the dark.
"There be gold in them thar hills," Sean said pointing off to his side of the truck.
Suzie wrinkled her nose as a vile smell assaulted her. She asked, "Where are we?"
"The dump."