While waiting to go to the table, Robert said, "We will assume a standard chaperoned meal date seating configuration at the table."
"There's a standard chaperoned meal date seating configuration?" Jared asked thinking it might be a good idea to turn around and leave.
"Yes, I will be seated at the head of the table. You will be seated to my right with Mercedes to your right. Karen will be seated to my left with Timmy to her left," Robert answered.
"Where did Mercedes go?" Jared asked noticing for the first time that the little girl was nowhere to be seen.
"She went ahead to the table to deliver the contracts for Karen to sign. Karen and Timmy will review them before she signs them. If all goes according to plan, we will be taken to the table any minute now," Robert answered.
"I guess that makes sense to me," Jared said. This whole contractual dating thing was just a little weird. At least they had picked a good place for lunch. "I've eaten here before. This is a nice place and they have really great food."
"My cousin Niles owns it. He's an O'Toole," Robert said.
"I've heard that you have a big family," Jared said trying to make a little small talk.
Robert grinned and said, "It is getting bigger every day. Shelly O'Connor had a baby girl yesterday. We're expecting Laura Connor to have a baby today or tomorrow."
"I heard that there is a Donaldson born every week," Jared said. He was getting the idea that having a lot of kids was a big deal to this family.
"You've got that right," Robert said. "I've got two kids already and we're working on making a third. We hope to have a dozen all told."
"Good luck," Jared said.
"Cousin Niles."
"Cousin Robert! I'm glad to see you're back from Afghanistan."
"Thanks," Robert said.
"Have you got the little lady pregnant again?" Niles asked.
"I've only been back a week, but we're working on it," Robert said. "We had a kickboxing session last night that ended up with us on the floor going at it like minks."
"Kickboxing?" Jared mumbled.
"You ought to try it in a kitchen sometime," Niles said with a wink. "You've never had fun until you've covered her in chocolate sauce."
"That sounds better," Jared mumbled. He wondered whatever happened to lingerie in a bedroom.
Robert laughed and said, "The only things you've got in there that will turn on my little lady are knives."
"Knives?"
"Something must be working in the kitchen. We've got eight kids," Niles said. He knew that Robert was telling the truth about what would excite his wife.
"Maybe we'll give it a try," Robert said with a grin. "You'll have to clear out the kitchen though. It is never safe to have innocent bystanders around when Ables are engaging in foreplay."
"I'll take you to the table," Niles said with a laugh.
After Robert and Jared were seated at the table, Mercedes leaned over and whispered, "Timmy has been very aggressive. He used our delay in getting over here as an indicator that you aren't really interested in Karen. She's gotten a little cool on the idea of continuing negotiations. I suggest that you respond with a direct declaration of your interest in arranging a merger with Karen."
Jared smiled at Mercedes before turning his full attention to Karen. Thinking about how everyone mentioned children, he said, "I fear that we were delayed because I kept imagining you and I growing old together surrounded by a dozen children and a hundred grandchildren. It made reading the contract rather difficult."
Timmy frowned while quickly flipping through the pages of the contract. He said, "That's got to be a violation of something."
"It isn't," Mercedes said with a smile.
Karen grinned and said, "So you want a dozen children?"
"Only with you," Jared said.
Timmy leaned over and whispered something to Karen. She grinned and then undid a button on her blouse. Mercedes leaned over and whispered, "Timmy is trying to get you distracted so that you say something inappropriate. He wants to set the mating phase of the negotiation process back a couple of dates. Be careful."
"It is August," Jared said.
Everyone looked at him like he had really blown it. Thinking this was a variation of discussing weather, Karen said, "Yes it is."
"I would like to conclude the negotiations for merger by the end of September," Jared said.
Karen looked surprised and asked, "Which phase of negotiations?"
"All," Jared answered. Timmy was flipping through pages of the contracts trying to find something that could stop this line of discussion. "You are so sexy, smart, and talented as a lawyer that only an idiot wouldn't want to enter into a full partnership with you."
"Stop right now! You're talking partnership on the first date. We haven't gotten to the financial discovery phase of negotiations. There can't be talk of a full partnership until after a complete financial disclosure has been made by both parties," Timmy said pointing to a copy of the contract.
Mercedes said, "He's right. You're going to have to stop discussing that subject right now."
Karen undid another button on her blouse. A considerable amount of her lacey bra was now on display. Timmy didn't even bother to whisper when he said, "You're moving too fast."
Mercedes leaned over and whispered, "You're getting to her or else she's trying to distract you. She just undid a second date button."
"One particular image keeps flashing in my mind," Jared said.
Karen licked her lips and asked, "What image?"
"You and I are arguing a case in front of the Supreme Court. Points and counterpoints are exchanged with our opponents for hours on end. Caught up in the excitement of the moment, the judges start arguing law. They nearly come to blows while exchanging opinions on cases supporting and attacking our positions. Together we focus our efforts; the judges succumb to our arguments; and a new constitutional precedent is established without deliberation," Jared said.
Sitting up with a concerned look on his face, Timmy said, "Whoa, you're good."
"I've never heard anything so romantic," Mercedes said with a sigh.
Karen's eyes glazed over. She fanned herself and said, "I think I had an orgasm."
Jared leaned forward and said, "So tell me about your dreams."
Mercedes said, "Yes!"
"This is a disaster," Timmy said.
"You and me on the floor of the law library downtown," Karen said breathlessly.
Before Timmy or Mercedes had a chance to say a word, Niles showed up at the table. He asked, "Are you ready to order or should I come back a little later?"
"We're ready to order," Timmy said desperate to have any excuse for the passions to cool off at the table.
Robert said, "I'll have one of your forty-eight ounce steaks -- rare, a baked potato, and broccoli. I've get to keep my strength up for the wife."
"I'll take the petite filet of sole and mixed vegetables," Mercedes said.
Karen said, "I'll take the swordfish steak and mixed vegetables."
"I'll take the twelve ounce steak rare, baked potato, and broccoli. Oh and bring a bucket of cold water," Timmy said glancing over at Karen.
"The only thing I want to eat is seated across the table from me," Jared said.
Timmy stood up from his chair and shouted, "I object!"
"No way!" Mercedes shouted standing up from her chair.
Robert looked at Niles and said, "I should have brought the video camera. The whole Anders family would love to watch this."
"He's moved onto explicit sexual innuendo on the first date," Timmy said pointing a finger at Mercedes.
"She opened the door with her comment about the law library downtown," Mercedes countered.
"She was under duress," Timmy said dismissively.
"What duress?" Mercedes asked.
Timmy said, "He had just finished describing a sexually charged situation that was knowingly put forth to overwhelm her better judgment. What Anders can resist the seductiveness of arguing a case in front of the Supreme Court?"
"The contract doesn't prevent that," Mercedes replied.
"It is still too early in negotiations to be using explicit sexual innuendo," Timmy said.
"Your client unbuttoned a second date button," Mercedes said.
Timmy said, "That was fully justified. Your client had just used a biological clock argument on my client."
Mercedes said, "You're just upset because my client is a better negotiator than yours."
"I'll have you know that my client is an Anders," Timmy said.
"My client will be an Anders at the conclusion of negotiations. You're upset because my client is better represented than yours," Mercedes said.
Timmy snorted. He said, "Are you kidding?
"Look at your client. She's sitting there with glazed eyes," Mercedes said pointing at Karen.
"How about your client? He hasn't been able to take his eyes off that lacy bra for the past ten minutes," Timmy said.
"Democrats."
"You can say that again," Timmy said in disgust.
"What are you talking about? You're a lousy excuse for a Republican," Mercedes said.
"Oh yeah! Whose portfolio is worth more?"
Mercedes said, "Yours, but that's only because my dad bought me that lousy telecommunications stock for my last birthday."
"Excuses excuses," Timmy said.
"You know that I asked him for cash so that I could pick the stock," Mercedes said.
"Hah!"
Jared asked, "Would you like to take a stroll over to the law library?"
"That sounds like fun," Karen said. She unbuttoned another button on her blouse.
Timmy said, "You better take your client away and get him to cool down. He is about to violate every clause in the contract."
"Me? You're the one whose client has stepped way over the line," Mercedes said. Pointing at Karen she said, "She just undid a third date button!"
"Oh my God! This is a disaster," Timmy said after glancing over at Karen.
"I believe that your client is about to waive the limits on physical contacts clause," Mercedes said with a grin.
"Not if I can help it," Timmy said.
Mercedes said, "If he can get her to do that on the first date, your client is toast."
"He's already proposed a full partnership," Timmy countered.
"Hah! At this rate I'll be in a position to argue that your client should enter the merger as a junior partner."
"No way," Timmy said. He leaned over and whispered something to Karen.
"I bet you are wondering if my panties match my bra," Karen said.
"Um!"
Timmy relaxed a little and said, "Way to go Karen. You got him speechless."
Getting worried, Mercedes nudged Jared and said, "Say something."
"There's no need to wonder about that. It goes without saying that a woman of your class and distinction would wear matching bra and panties," Jared said struggling through the fog that had descended on his brain.
"Not the best comeback possible, but acceptable," Mercedes said.
"You're client is losing now," Timmy said.
Mercedes said, "It is still early in the negotiations."
Niles smiled and said, "This is the best Anders first date we've ever had here."
"We haven't even gotten to the dessert, yet," Robert said.
Timmy leaned over and whispered something to Karen. He turned back to Mercedes and grinned. Mercedes asked, "What did you tell her?"
"I'm wearing stockings and a garter belt," Karen said.
Mercedes shouted, "I object!"
"No way," Timmy said.
"Your client has moved into behaviors that are only covered by third date clauses of the contract. She's going to torture my client to death before the fourth date," Mercedes said.
"Your client doesn't seem to have a problem with it," Timmy said.
Mercedes said, "The contract is intended to explicitly protect my client from that kind of exploitive behavior."
"You know that no contract is cut and dry. There are always gray areas. This is one of them," Timmy said.
"I'm going to have to insist that your client waive the second and third date clauses of the contract," Mercedes said.
"I'm not going to agree to that," Timmy said.
"You had better request a five minute recess to discuss matters with your client or else I'm going to declare her in violation of the contract," Mercedes said.
Timmy paled and said, "You wouldn't dare."
"Yes, I would," Mercedes said.
"That would give him carte blanche to press for a full seduction on the first date!"
Mercedes smiled and said, "Exactly."
Timmy turned to talk to Karen. He looked around and then asked, "Where is she?"
"Where is he?" Mercedes asked looking around for Jared.
Robert grinned and said, "They mentioned something about going to the law library."
"You let them go?" Timmy asked.
"They both waived the chaperone clauses of the contract. There was nothing I could do," Robert said.
Raising her hands above her head, Mercedes said, "I win!"
Dejected, Timmy said, "I can't believe it. We didn't even finish ordering lunch."
Grinning broadly, Niles said, "There is nothing in this world that
is as much fun as watching lawyers in love."