Detective Mike Saperstein woke up feeling as though a nine hundred pound gorilla was sitting on his chest. It was tough to breath, and each breath he took, hurt. He looked over at the man in the bed next to his.
He groaned and said, "I must have died and gone to hell."
Sonny smiled at him and said, "You look like something that dropped out the south end of a north bound cow."
"What in the hell does that mean?" Mike asked ... he wasn't in the mood to put up with Sonny's country sayings.
"It means you look like shit," Sonny answered.
He laughed, and then clutched his stomach in pain.
Mike said, "I'm hurt and stuck in a room with a goddamned comedian."
"Hey! Don't go taking the name of the Lord in vain. It is by His grace that we're even alive," Sonny said sharply.
"Sorry," Mike said.
It was just his luck to end up in a room with a religious zealot. He groaned in pain. He had never been in such pain.
"You seem a little irritable this morning," Sonny said.
"I woke up and found you here," Mike said.
He remembered waking up a couple of times in a different room. He looked around trying to make sense of his surroundings.
Sonny said, "I'd tell you to look out the window at the nice blue sky to cheer up, but it actually looks kind of brown and sickly today."
"Thermal inversion," Mike said. He wondered how he remembered that.
"You look like you are in a bit of pain. You might want to call the nurse in here and get some 'happy medicine'. They've got some really, really good 'happy medicine' here. I'm higher than a kite," Sonny said.
"That's a good idea," Mike said pressing the call button.
"Some of your cop friends have been by to see you," Sonny said. Grinning, he added, "I told all of them that you and I are drinking buddies."
"God, kill me now," Mike said.
"Only one of them figured out that I was underage. He said he was your supervisor ... or was he the guy from internal affairs. I don't remember," Sonny said with a chuckle. "I think you're going to have to do some explaining about that."
"I really hate you," Mike said.
Sonny said, "Would you like some good news?"
"I don't think anything you say can ever be interpreted as good news," Mike said, "except for goodbye ... I'd like to hear that."
"I was thinking that after this experience you might want to change jobs. I asked my Mom to put in a good word for you up in Montana. You'll love it up there," Sonny said.
"Just shoot me and put me out of my misery," Mike said with a groan.
"Hey, that gang tried. They shot you three times," Sonny said.
Looking confused, Mike said, "The last thing I remember was that we were talking. You had just said something about returning to school, or something. I think I saw a car and some gang members leaning out of it."
"Don't worry about them. I got the one that shot us. They crashed, and your cop buddies swarmed all over them. You'll be pleased to know that those gang members didn't have a chance to get out their car and onto private property," Sonny said, unable to resist putting in that last little dig.
"You shot the one that shot me?" Mike asked.
"You really need to get a better gun than that dinky little .38 caliber Smith and Wesson Model 36 revolver. I was shooting at the guy shooting at us and hit the driver, the door twice, and the building on the other side of the car before I ever hit the shooter. I just winged him. I'd go with the 10mm Smith and Wesson Model 610 with the six and a half inch barrel. Now that would put a world of hurt on them, and with the longer barrel you get a better accuracy," Sonny said.
"You used my gun?" Mike asked knowing that he was going to get hauled in front of review board.
"You weren't using it, and I didn't have one," Sonny said with a shrug.
The nurse finally came into the room and asked, "What do you need?"
Sonny said, "He needs some 'happy pills'. Just look at that frown on his face."
"I need something for pain and a room that is as far from him as I can possibly get," Mike said with a groan. His shoulder was killing him.
While checking over his chart, the nurse said, "I understood that he saved your life."
"Don't tell me that," Mike said.
"After I took care of the bad guys, I rendered first aid on you. It wasn't much, since I was doing the same for me. They say that you're supposed to put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding," Sonny said.
The nurse came over and said, "We've got you on a patient-controlled analgesia system. All you have to do for the pain is press that button."
Frowning, Sonny asked, "How come I don't have one of those?"
"We want you in a bit of pain. You have a reputation for getting up, and walking around," the nurse answered.
Sonny grinned and said, "It ain't working. I'm feeling no pain."
"He's going to drive me crazy. I'd really like a different room," Mike said.
Turning to Mike, she said, "I'll see what I can do about getting you a different room."
Sonny picked up a cell phone and pressed some numbers on it. Mike glanced over at Sonny. It took him a second or two to realize what he was doing.
Curious, Mike asked, "Is that my cell phone?"
"Yes. I'm calling your daughter. I promised I would call her when you woke up, but I kind of forgot. My bad," Sonny said. "She's a little worried about you. You were in surgery for thirteen hours. Then they had you in intensive care for a whole day. They just moved you into this room, this morning."
"Give me that phone," Mike said.
He tried to reach over to Sonny to grab the phone. He realized that was a mistake almost immediately. The whole world faded from view for a second. He jabbed the button a couple of times.
Sonny shifted the phone to his other hand and said, "Hello, Susan. This is Sonny."
Mike said, "Susan is not my daughter. She's my wife."
"He's awake.
"He's not in a very good mood."
"Give me that phone," Mike said.
"I can put up with it, if he's going to be my father in law.
"You're too young and pretty to be married to him.
"My offer still stands.
"You can divorce him.
"Give me that phone," Mike said demanded.
"He's making noises like he wants to talk to you.
"Okay.
"Hugs and kisses."
"Give me that phone," Mike said practically shouting.
"Here's your father," Sonny said.
He handed the phone to the nurse, to hand to Mike.
After giving Mike the cell phone, the nurse came around to Sonny and checked his pulse.
She said, "I'll let the doctor know that he should probably cut the pain medication back. You're a little too euphoric."
"You can never be too happy," Sonny said.
The nurse said, "You can be, when it is chemically induced."
There was a commotion in the hallway. Some old man was shouting something about having been a cowboy in the movies.
The nurse said, "Your brother is back."
Sonny looked at the door and said, "Hello, Donny."
"Hello, Sonny. How are you doing today?" Donny asked.
The nurse stepped around him and left the room.
"I'm doing fine," Sonny answered. He looked over at Mike and said, "I got a new roommate today. This is Detective Mike Saperstein of the Los Angeles Police Department."
Donny looked over at Mike and nodded his head. He had not expected them to move the detective into the same room as Sonny.
He said, "He doesn't look too happy."
Sonny winked at Donny and said, "Of course he doesn't look happy. He just found out that his wife is divorcing him so that she can marry me."
"He'll be pleased to know that she's trading down," Donny said.
"That's mean," Sonny said, and noticed that Mike actually smiled at hearing that.
Donny asked, "Did you have a chance to talk to the doctor this morning?"
"Yes, I did. He said that they were going to keep me here for a couple more days at least. I was lucky it was a nine-millimeter. The bullet basically went right through me without deforming much at all. According to the doctor, I had minimal internal injuries. Mostly they're worried about infection," Sonny said.
"That's good," Donny said. "What about transportation home?"
"He said I won't be able to fly for a while, and he didn't recommend a road trip for at least ten days after I'm released," Sonny answered. He looked over at Mike and said, "You might want to take the cell phone out of his hand. He fell asleep."
Donny reached over and took the cell phone from Mike. He listened for a second and then said, "I'm afraid that he fell asleep.
"I'm Sonny's brother, Donny.
"He told me he was marrying you.
"I'll let him know.
"I'll let him know, when he wakes.
"Good-bye."
Closing the cell phone, Donny said, "She wanted you to know that the thought of marrying you, will give her nightmares for the rest of her life."
"Was she laughing?" Sonny asked.
"Yes," Donny said.
"That's good. She was real upset this morning. I didn't think she'd ever laugh again," Sonny said.
"She sounds like a nice lady."
"We were able to talk a little when they brought him in. She said this was her worst nightmare. She told me about jumping every time the telephone rang, being afraid that it would be a call to inform her that he had been injured in the line of duty. She dreaded having someone knock on the door when he was at work. She was terrified that it would be someone there to tell her he had been killed. It must be tough being a cop's wife," Sonny said.
"I can't imagine what it would be like," Donny said.
Sonny glanced over at Mike and saw that the man was still asleep.
He said, "It is not going to be a problem now."
"Why?"
"Mike doesn't know it, but they aren't going to put him back on duty. His shoulder was really messed up. The ball of the humerus was shattered when the bullet hit it. There wasn't much left to put back together. He's not going to have much use of his arm in the future," Sonny said.
"That's a shame," Donny said.
Sonny said, "He's going to have a rough time getting past this injury. His wife is afraid that this will tear him up. He really did like being a cop."
"I wish we could help him, but we can't. We don't even know anyone who could help him."
"I know. He's not a bad guy. Under other circumstance I think we could have been real good friends. He just worked under insane conditions brought about by the stupidity of others."
Donny said, "This city is doomed. That kind of stupidity is terminal."
"I wish we could talk," Sonny said looking over at Mike.
"We'll have plenty of time to talk when you get out of here," Donny said.
"I guess," Sonny said.
Donny said, "We have plenty to talk about."
"Have you got any Skoal?" Sonny asked.
"What happened to what I gave you yesterday?" Donny asked fishing the can out of his shirt pocket. He didn't use it very often, but always carried a can of it with him.
"The nurse took it," Sonny said. "She gave me some gum."
"Do they hate tobacco out here?" Donny asked.
"It sure seems like it to me," Sonny said. "They don't seem to have much problem with folks smoking mari-hu-wana ... but pull out a pack of cigarettes, and they go crazy. They want to make mari-hu-wana legal and tobacco illegal."
"Maybe things would be little less crazy out here, if they stopped smoking mari-hu-wana and started smoking cigarettes," Donny said.
The nurse returned to the room with a little carry tray for taking blood samples.
She looked at the can in Donny's hand and said, "I'll personally drag you out of here by your ear, if you give him that can."
"You really would do that, wouldn't you?" Donny asked.
"You bet!" the nurse answered. "He was shot in the abdomen. He's not putting anything in his mouth that isn't approved of by the doctor."
"Sorry, Sonny."