As is common in a wedding, the groom is usually nervous about making a lifelong commitment to another person. It is traditional for the best man and the groomsmen to calm the nerves of the groom through the expedient measure of making bad jokes or recalling embarrassing moments of the past. Neither Magus nor Oscar, Leland's father, were big on tradition and took upon themselves the task of calming the nerves of the groom. The best man and groomsmen stood around listening in disbelief to the advice being given by the two men.
As part of the groom's party, Stephen yanked on the collar of his shirt thinking that somewhere in this world lived a sadist who was laughing evilly at the success his diabolical scheme for making men miserable through the instrument of torture known as a tuxedo. The only one who looked more miserable than he felt was Leland. It was unclear if the source of Leland's unhappiness was the tuxedo, the lecture on how to have a happy marriage being delivered by Magus, or a combination of the two.
"The correct answer to the frequent question, 'Does this outfit make my butt look too big?' is 'All I know is that it makes me want to play with your butt all day.' While saying that, you should firmly grasp said butt and knead vigorously," Magus said. "Not only does it deflect the question, but it can lead on occasion to sex."
Oscar chimed in with, "Do not ever make the mistake of saying that there are some cultures that appreciate a well developed derriere while holding up a figurine of a woman with a humongous posterior. That little quip motivated my first two year expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold."
Magus said, "A well stocked medicine cabinet can be indispensible in a good marriage. You will want to stock it with sedatives for visits by in-laws, amphetamines for evenings to the opera, anti-depressants for when her sex drive dies, and aspirin for daily use."
"Don't forget the Viagra for use with your mistress," Oscar said.
Nodding his head in agreement, Magus said, "Just so that you know, take a sedative before your first trip to the opera and then amphetamines to all visits thereafter. It will convince your wife that you've actually become interested in the opera as a result of her influence and will generally result in sex."
"Do not ever take an amphetamine before a visit from your mother-in-law. You will find that your tongue is a much faster organ than your brain. It can lead to an exciting evening that involves lots of shouting and breaking of fragile things. That little error motivated my second two year expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold," Oscar said.
Leland leaned over to Stephen and asked, "Do you have a gun?"
"No," Stephen answered. "Why would you want a gun?"
"To kill myself," Leland said.
Magus said, "There are proper and improper ways to deal with a wife's first ruined meal. The proper way is to tell her that it reminds you of a dish served to honored visitors by the Bingo tribe of the south Amazon basin. The improper way to deal with the meal is to ask if she was intentionally trying to poison you."
"Never let your wife learn that you took a failed meal to a laboratory to be tested for the presence of poison. It leads to strained dinner conversations ... particularly when you try to get an explanation as to why the meal loaf contained arsenic," Oscar said.
"Why did it?" Stephen asked.
"I never did figure that one out," Oscar said while scratching his cheek. "My wife and I had such interesting meals after I returned from my eleventh two year expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold."
Looking around the vestibule of the church, Leland asked, "Where is Mom?"
"I don't know. I came back from my twelfth expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold and she was gone," Oscar said.
"You came here with her," Leland said.
Ignoring the interruption, Oscar continued, "Discovering that she had moved while I was gone led to one of the most exciting nights of my life. I went home and there was a strange family living there. They were most unappreciative of my efforts to gain entrance to the house. So what if I broke out a window and entered the house in the dead of night? It took a while to explain to the police that I was innocently returning home after two years in the jungle and was not attempting to rob the house or rape the occupants. They did not believe that I was under the mistaken belief that your mother had changed the locks on the door while I was gone."
Magus said, "The police will occasionally demonstrate limited understanding of rational behavior under unusual circumstances."
"Yes, that has been my experience," Oscar said. "It doesn't help that when I jumped into the bedroom occupied by the young couple that I was wearing nothing except for a ceremonial mask given to me by the chief medicine man of the Whambang tribe."
"How did you manage to get a ceremonial mask from the chief medicine man of the Whambang tribe?" Magus asked.
"It was easy. I got the old man drunk on a bottle of Thunderbird wine," Oscar said.
"I'll have to keep that in mind the next time I'm in that region of the world," Magus said.
Oscar said, "Thunderbird wine is an essential trading good when traveling in underdeveloped areas."
Turning to Leland, Magus said, "That reminds me; you might want to keep the number of boys' nights out to less than eight nights per week during the first few years of marriage. Women tend to not understand that you might prefer spending time playing poker over talking to her about her most recent changes in hair style. Taking an excessive number of evening outs usually leads to a decrease in sex."
Leland said, "There are only seven nights in a week."
"That makes it easy to keep it under eight," Stephen said earning a nod of approval from Magus.
"Never tell your wife that the reason you lost two hundred dollars playing poker was because Chesty at the GoGoRama strip club was giving particularly good lap dances that night," Oscar said. "I don't remember if that lead to my fifth or sixth expedition. That middle period of my marriage is kind of a blur."
"Vacation times can be particularly stressful on a marriage. Pick vacation spots that have an equal mix of food, alcohol, and shopping. You can't go wrong if she's spending your money while you're drinking. You can still spend time together over meals," Magus said.
Oscar said, "Don't suggest separate vacations and then let it slip that you were planning a tour of Nevada brothels. For reasons that escape me, wives tend to view that unfavorably. I was so looking forward to that vacation. Instead I had to go on another expedition to find the lost Aztec city of gold."
Magus said, "Women are particularly sensitive to comments about their appearance. One of the worst ways to start a conversation is by asking -- 'Is that a gray hair?' Instead, you should compliment her by saying that you like the new hair color."
"Don't buy her hair dye for her birthday with a note attached saying that it can be used to hide the fact that she's getting gray hair and slowly turning into her mother. The expression that a woman's face gets upon opening such a present is truly beyond description," Oscar said.
Magus said, "Men have a particularly hard time shopping for presents for their wives. Avoid purchasing power tools, household appliances, and memberships to gyms with guaranteed weight loss programs. The best way to buy presents is look through her stuff and buy her things that she already owns. So if she has a little black dress in size ten you can buy her the exact same style in the same size fully confident that she will appreciate your taste in clothes and knowing that it will fit her. If that is too much trouble, then remember that jewels, cars, and perfumes are always appreciated."
"Even better yet, have your secretary do your gift shopping for you. If you are sleeping with your secretary, make sure that you examine the present before it gets wrapped. Check to make sure that the bracelet is inscribed with the correct name on it. The first time she gets something inscribed with the wrong name you can explain it away as an error at the store, but she will start to get suspicious about the third or fourth time it happens," Oscar said.
"Don't buy lingerie. If you like it, she won't wear it. If you don't like it, she'll wear it all of the time," Magus said.
"If you do buy lingerie, don't hire a woman to model it for her. She won't understand it when she comes home to discover you with a hooker who is wearing nothing but the garter belt and stockings that you bought as a present. That leads to lots of shouting and breaking of fragile items," Oscar said. "That little episode preceded my tenth expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold."
"When are you going on your next expedition?" Magus asked.
"I don't know. I haven't really felt the urge to go on another one since my wife left me," Oscar said.
Magus said, "I'm sure the urge will return when you remarry."
"Undoubtedly," Oscar said.
Leland rolled his eyes and said, "You're still married to Mom."
A rather attractive woman came over to Oscar and kissed him on the cheek. She said, "Hello dear."
"Oh, hello dear. I thought you had left with one of the ushers," Oscar said.
"None of them have your stamina," the woman said with a smile.
Leland said, "Hello Mom."
"Are you having fun talking with Magus and your father?" the woman asked.
"No," Leland answered.
"That's a pity. I always find their discussions highly amusing," the woman said giving Magus a broad grin.
Magus said, "Hello, Mia. It has been a long time since I've seen you."
"Hello Magus. Have you and my husband finished giving my son marital advice?" Mia asked while giving Magus a great big hug.
"Not yet," Magus said. "We're only halfway through."
Mia laughed and asked, "Have you gotten to the part about buying an x-ray machine to make sure that none of your presents explode when getting opened?"
"We were just about to get to that," Oscar said.
"Don't believe a word these two men say to you, Leland. Your poor cousin is still convinced that I tried to poison your father after discovering that he was a womanizing reprobate," Mia said.
"I know," Leland said shaking his head.
Mia said, "Listen to everything they say. There's a lot of truth to it."
"Make up your mind," Leland said.
"My mind is made up," Mia said, "By the way, I met your mother-in-law while I was having a little pre-marriage talk with your bride."
"What do you think of her?" Leland asked.
Mia said, "You should have seen her face when I was telling Irene that when the time came to cheat on you that she could either hire a gigolo, give it away for free, or earn a few extra bucks by hanging out in the bar of a high end hotel. I was about to explain that the latter option was my personal choice when she started having a heart attack."
"Please tell me that you didn't really say that to Irene where her mother could hear you," Leland said.
"You and your mother-in-law will get along great. Neither of you has a sense of humor," Mia said shaking her head sadly.
"Can you blame me?" Leland asked. Turning to Stephen he said, "My mother told my second grade teacher at one of the parent teacher nights that she wanted another child. She then asked if she borrow her husband for stud services. She said she wanted both of her children to have the same father. My teacher never looked at me the same after that."
Mia laughed and said, "I thought it was funny."
"I didn't," Leland said.
Magus asked, "Is he really your son?"
Shaking her head sadly, Mia said, "I don't know."
"We think we brought the wrong baby home from the hospital," Oscar said.
Nodding her head in agreement, Mia said, "The genetic tests were inconclusive."
"We probably should have used our own genetic samples to compare with his rather than samples taken from complete strangers," Oscar said looking over at his wife.
Magus said, "That does help."
Oscar said, "We should have started the ceremony by now. When is this wedding going to take place?"
Mia answered, "I think we're waiting for the bride's mother to recover. She really got flustered when I told her that there was no proof that Leland was a serial killer."
"Mother!" Leland said shaking his head. "I'm not a serial killer."
"No one said you were," Mia said.
Stephen said, "I never heard any rumors to the effect that you were one."
Mia grabbed Stephen and asked, "Would you like to come with me? I want to tell the bride that you're my lover."
"She already knows me," Stephen said. He looked around and said, "I'm sure that we can find someone else to do that."
"I like you," Mia said patting Stephen on the cheek. "You're fun."
"Thank you," Stephen said.
"Do you want to fool around?" Mia asked.
Leland said, "Mother!"
"He's no fun at all," Mia said. She looked around and asked, "Who is that big man over there?"
"That's Hagar," Stephen answered.
Mia said, "I think I'll go talk to him."
Oscar said, "Have fun. Don't bring him back until he is a weak and broken man."
"I will. Continue your marriage lecture, Magus. I fear Leland needs all of the counseling that you can provide," Mia said with a smile. She patted Leland on the cheek and said, "Lighten up, son. Your marriage will never last if you don't have a sense of humor. Remember, the first person to laugh at you should be you."
"Otherwise people will think that you have a corncob stuck up your ass," Oscar said patting his son on the back.
"Dad!"
Magus said, "Speaking of corncobs, a good marriage will benefit by the occasional use of marital aids such as might be purchased in adult novelty stores owned by big bald men sporting tattoos of naked women on their arms. Before springing something too new or extreme on your wife, it is best to talk about it a bit. This can lead to exceptionally kinky sexual experiences that you'll cherish for a long time."
"There are some marital aids that you may want to avoid. I refer to her best friend or your best friend. A wife does not appreciate finding you in bed with her best friend and might leap to the wrong conclusion on finding you in bed with your best friend," Oscar said. "I believe that led to my eighth expedition to locate the lost Aztec city of gold and your mother's third expedition to New York to buy out Macy's Department Store."
"I was there," Magus said. "It was your seventh expedition."
"Thank you. I have trouble remembering that middle period of my marriage," Oscar said.
Magus said, "Speaking of shopping sprees, you are to never comment on them. This is quite important since you can assume that it was something stupid you did that drove your wife to relieve her frustration by shopping. By definition, you are guilty of something so don't give her a chance to use it against you. Handing a second charge card to her gives you a chance of surviving the worst sins that you never knew you committed."
"Do not return the items she purchased to get sufficient money to buy a boat. You might get a boat but it won't survive the first launch," Oscar said. Looking over at Magus he added, "I never knew that a boat could sink that fast."
"I'm sure it was the water soluble glue she used to reassemble the boat after she had finished tearing it apart," Magus said.
"I have always suspected that," Oscar said.
Leland said, "You've never owned a boat in your life."
Oscar said, "Can you blame me?"
The minister walked over to the wedding party and said, "The bride is ready. It is time to move to your positions."
Looking over at the minister, Oscar asked, "Have you ever done some missionary work?"
The minister answered, "As a matter of fact, I did a bit of missionary work before coming here."
"You might consider visiting the DingBat tribe of the Congo sometime. They are a wonderful people," Oscar said.
Magus said, "If I recall correctly, we attended the wedding of the son of the Chief. They sacrificed two missionaries for the dinner celebration. I'll never forget how those two fellows screamed once they realized what was happening."
"To your seats, please," the minister said doing his best to keep his cool.
"These wedding ceremonies are so boring compared to some that take place in distant lands. I remember one tribe that practiced ritual scarification as part of the wedding ceremonies. The bride and groom were given matching scars by their prospective in-laws. One doesn't normally associate screaming in pain along with gnashing of teeth with a wedding," Oscar said.
"That is very interesting. Maybe we ought to introduce the practice here. It would be fitting for most marriages to begin the same way they end," Magus said.
"I'm friends with a fellow faculty member over in the anthropology department. You should hear some of the stories he tells," Oscar said walking over to his seat with Magus.
"I am sure that we could make up some stories that would amaze him," Magus said.
Leland leaned over to Stephen and said, "I had no idea that my dad and Magus were old friends."
"Where did they meet?" Stephen asked.
"According to Magus, it was during an expedition in the Pacific Northwest to capture a live Sasquatch. He claimed they captured one, but released it because there is a need for mysteries to remain mysteries. According to my dad, it was on an expedition to Tibet to capture a Yeti. He claimed they captured one, but released it because there is a need for mysteries to remain mysteries," Leland said.
"What does your mother say?" Stephen asked.
"She said they grew up in the same neighborhood," Leland answered. "I find that impossible to believe. I suspect they met at the bar in the Cleveland bus station."
"Why?" Stephen asked.
Leland answered, "Can you imagine my father or Magus as little kids?"
"No," Stephen said.