The dining room table was set with place settings for six when Stephen sat down and looked across the table at Jake. Nestor was doing something in the living room while Cathy and Mel were in the kitchen working to put together a fancy meal. Noticing that Jake looked a little depressed, Stephen asked, "What's up Jake?"
Jake answered, "I have girl trouble."
"Is there a problem with Cathy?" Stephen asked looking in the direction of the kitchen. He thought things were going well with Cathy.
"No. She and Nestor are exclusive now. Her treatment is actually working out pretty well," Jake said. Knowing that Stephen hadn't done anything with Cathy since hooking up with Mel, he added, "She's down to a couple times a week."
"That's good news, I guess. Isn't it?" Stephen asked.
"It is very good news. I'm happy for her," Jake said.
"Good," Stephen said.
Jake said, "I've wanted to move on and get into a real relationship for some time now."
"So that is good news. Now you can chase after the girl of your dreams so long as she isn't too gorgeous," Stephen said.
"I know," Jake said fidgeting in his chair.
"So what is the problem?" Stephen asked noticing his housemate's nervousness.
"There's this girl..."
Stephen held up a hand and said, "Say no more. I'm glad to hear that you finally got your first brain groupie. You are an intelligent young man and it was only a matter of time. I know the problems you are facing. They can be relentless in their pursuit of you. If you need any help dealing with her, I'll be glad to loan you Hagar."
"It is not like that," Jake said. His problem was of a slightly different nature.
"She's gorgeous, I bet," Stephen said. "My first groupie was a beauty contest winner. I bet yours is a supermodel."
"She isn't a supermodel," Jake said. "She is more of a girl next door type. She's got big breasts, wide hips, and long hair. She's also wears granny glasses and has braces. She's cute."
"Granny glasses? That sounds kinky," Stephen said teasing Jake.
Jake shrugged and said, "She needs them to read."
Stephen said, "I take it that she is not a brain groupie."
"That's right."
Stephen asked, "So what's the problem?"
"I keep doing stupid things around her," Jake said.
"Stupid things? Like what?"
Jake said, "Walking into things, dropping stuff, stuttering, and tripping."
"That's not stupid; that's clumsy," Stephen said.
"I also tried to ask her out on a dinner date. It didn't go well," Jake said looking everywhere except at Stephen.
Stephen asked, "How not well?"
Jake looked a little embarrassed. He answered, "I said that if she didn't feel too fat that maybe we could do dinner sometime at the all you can eat buffet."
"I bet that went over well," Stephen said. He could just imagine saying something like that to Mel.
"She stormed off," Jake said.
"At least she didn't hit you," Stephen said. "I would probably be sleeping in a coffin from now on if I were to say something like that to Mel."
"She won't even let me get near her now," Jake said.
"That's rough," Stephen said.
Jake asked, "What can I do?"
"You keep your distance from her so that you don't permanently turn stupid," Stephen said offering the best advice he knew.
"That won't do," Jake said.
"Why not?"
Jake answer, "I want her. She's smart, clever, funny, and built for making babies."
"And you're sure that she's not gorgeous?" Stephen asked. He wondered how turning stupid around women who weren't gorgeous worked. He was going to have to ask Magus about that.
"She turns me on even though she wouldn't be asked to be a model," Jake said. "I think she's cute."
Stephen asked, "What is her name?"
"Vivien Bonner," Jake answered. "She goes by Vi, just like the Unix editing program. Isn't that cute?"
"Real cute," Stephen replied thinking Jake had it bad. "At least she isn't nicknamed Vista."
"Don't even joke about that. No one would willingly be nicknamed after a Microsoft product. Any sane person would kill themselves first," Jake said with a shiver of disgust at the idea.
"Where did you meet her?" Stephen asked.
"I met her in my advanced computer security class," Jake said. He added, "I just can't resist her. She could ask me for my username and password and I would give it to her."
"That's not good," Stephen said.
"I know," Jake said with a sigh. He asked, "What can I do?"
"Keep your distance from her," Stephen said.
"I don't want to," Jake said with a sigh.
"I'll have to think about it," Stephen said.
"Oh Stephen," Mel's dulcet voice rang out.
"What dear?" Stephen asked.
Mel stuck her head in the dining room and said, "You and Jake need to get dressed now."
Stephen looked down at himself and then over at Jake. Confused, he said, "We are dressed."
Mel said, "I want you to put on something nice."
"Like what?" Stephen said. Warning bells should have been going off in his head, but they were strangely quiet.
"Wear something you would wear on a date with me," Mel said.
"It is just dinner," Stephen said.
Mel smiled at him and said, "I was thinking of wearing that special outfit you bought me later tonight."
"In that case I think I'll wear whatever you want me to wear," Stephen said.
Mel said, "I thought you would."
Cathy stuck her head in the room and said, "You need to wear something nice too, Jake."
"Why?" Jake asked looking down at his clothes.
Cathy said, "We're having company. You need to look sharp."
"Oh," Jake said. The last time Cathy had told him that he need to look sharp was when her mother had come for a visit. That little visit didn't go well. He thought about it and realized that none of the visits by mothers had gone well. He asked, "Is somebody's mother coming here?"
"No," Cathy said. "Now go change into something nice."
"Why should I?" Jake said.
"Just do it," Cathy said.
The two women disappeared into the kitchen. Listening to the noise coming out of the kitchen, Stephen thought they sounded a little too cheerful. He asked, "Did you talk to anyone else about Vi?"
"Only Cathy and Mel," Jake answered.
"You better change your clothes," Stephen said. He was starting to get a bad feeling about dinner.
"Okay," Jake said.
Thinking that he would warn Nestor that something was up, Stephen went into the living room where Nestor was reading a book of poetry. Nestor was wearing a sport coat and a tie. Stephen asked, "Do you..."
Nestor held up a hand and said, "Don't ask. I can't talk about it."
"Why not?" Stephen asked.
Nestor answered, "I promised Cathy I wouldn't talk about it."
"Why would you do that?" Stephen asked.
Nestor turned a rather novel shade of red before he answered, "She promised to recite The Charge of the Light Brigade in bed tonight."
"I am not going to say that I understand, but I won't ask," Stephen said.
"Thank you."
"Do you know where Jake's computer security magazines are?"
"I've already got them out," Nestor said gesturing to the coffee table. There was a stack of magazines with pictures of computers on them.
"Good," Stephen said.
"From what Cathy was saying, he is going to need all of the help he can get," Nestor said.
Stephen said, "Maybe it won't be a complete disaster."
The introductions when Vivian arrived went about as well as Stephen expected. Everything was going fine until Jake showed up. Vi pointed at Jake and said, "You!"
Feeling like he had walked into an ambush, Jake responded, "What is she doing here?"
Trying to reduce the tension, Cathy said, "So you two know each other."
Folding her arms across her chest, Vi said, "He called me fat."
"I just wanted to run my fingers over your keyboard and browse your website," Jake blurted out.
Everyone just kind of stood around for a minute at that point. The silence was deafening. Finally, Mel asked, "What does that mean?"
"I don't know," Jake answered.
"So why did you say it?" Mel asked.
Jake answered, "It was just the first thing that popped into my head."
"It sounded disgusting," Mel said.
"It does," Cathy said in agreement.
"It was better than saying that I wanted to hack her box," Jake said.
"He's getting stupider by the minute," Stephen said shaking his head.
"Did I understand you correctly? Did you just say that you want to hack my box?" Vi asked. She stood up straighter and glared at him like she wanted to tear him apart.
Stephen put a hand over Jake's mouth and said, "Don't answer that."
Vi asked, "Why would a newbie like you think you have what it takes to hack my box?"
Jake struggled to get Stephen's hand off his mouth, but to no avail. It didn't matter though; Jake was making plenty of noise. Stephen said, "Be quiet."
Cathy asked, "Are you talking about sex?"
After a moment of silence, Vi answered, "I think so. Aren't we?"
"If you are, then Jake is no newbie. He can give your box a good working over. I can testify to that," Cathy said.
Nestor said, "I don't think she wants to know about that."
Cathy said, "I spent two years teaching him every trick I know about how to make a woman feel good in bed. If she's half as smart as Jake says, then she does want to know about that."
"Two years?" Vi scoffed. "He must be a slow learner."
"He's a quick learner. I know a lot of tricks," Cathy said with a grin.
"She does and, believe me, she's a good teacher," Stephen said still holding a hand over Jake's mouth.
Mel said, "I can attest to that. She did a great job training Stephen. She taught him to do this thing with ... uh ... never mind."
"A lot of tricks, huh?" Vi said.
Jake was still struggling to get Stephen's hand off his mouth, but his struggles were weakening. Stephen said, "Jake and I were talking about you earlier. He's crazy about you."
"He's got a funny way of showing it," Vi said. "He said that I was fat."
"You make him stupid. It is a common enough phenomenon when men get around women they like," Stephen said.
Vi said, "I'm not here to get a boyfriend. I was invited over here to meet Poindexter of Paladin Incorporated."
Having all of his suspicions confirmed, Stephen asked, "Which one of you invited her over?"
"I did," Mel said raising her hand.
"It was my idea," Cathy said brightly.
"You didn't tell her about Jake?" Stephen asked.
Mel said, "When I mentioned Jake, she didn't respond too well to the suggestion of having dinner with him."
"I told her that I wanted to stuff him in a hash table," Vi said. "I still do. He said I was fat. I'm not fat; I'm just well endowed and have wide hips."
"So you invited her over to meet Poindexter," Stephen said. Jake started struggling a little harder. Stephen adjusted his grip over Jake's mouth.
"It worked," Mel said. "So what if I left out a minor detail."
"Poindexter is here, isn't he?" Vi asked thinking that she had just been the victim of a bait and switch scam.
"He's here," Stephen said. Jake was waving an arm trying to get some attention.
Vi said, "Good. I really want to meet Poindexter. He is becoming a legend in the security world."
Thinking that Jake was turning an interesting color, Nestor said, "You might not be so pleased to meet him."
Vi asked, "Why wouldn't I want to meet him?"
"Because you want to stuff him in a hash table," Stephen replied. Jake was really struggling and it was hard to hold him in place.
"You don't mean..."
Cathy used two hands to gesture at Jake and then said, "Vivian, meet Poindexter."
"It can't be," Vi said staring at Jake. She leaned forward and said, "He's not looking too good."
Nestor tapped Stephen on the shoulder and said, "I think you might want to let him go now. He's starting to turn blue."
"Oh," Stephen said. He let go of Jake and apologized, "Sorry."
Jake slowly dropped to the floor with his eyes rolled back in his head. Just before losing consciousness, he said, "I want to have her babies."