Magus shouted, "Claudia!"
There was no answer. Magus hit his forehead with the palm of his hand about the same time that Stephen shouted, "She's on her honeymoon."
"I keep forgetting that she's on her honeymoon," Magus mumbled. "Titus!"
"What?" Stephen yelled.
"You get the next client!" Magus yelled.
"Okay!" Stephen yelled.
A portly man walked into Stephen's office. The top of his head was completely bald, but he had full hair around the sides. He sat down and folded his hands across his belly. Looking as if he was unsure about being there, he said, "I have a problem."
"Before we get to your problem, there is a small matter of the fee," Titus said.
"How much?" the man asked biting his lower lip.
Titus explained the fee structure and got a crisp ten dollar bill. Once he had filled out a receipt, he asked, "What is your problem?"
"It is kind of embarrassing," the man answered.
Titus said, "That's okay. We are very discrete here."
"My wife caught me wearing her dress. She wants to divorce me," the man said. He looked at Titus as if he expected to be beaten about the head and shoulders.
"Why does your wife want to divorce you?" Titus asked.
The man stared at Titus and then answered, "She caught me wearing her dress."
"Did you damage it?" Titus asked.
"No," the man answered.
"Did you look better in it than she does?" Titus asked.
"Are you making fun of me?"
Titus said, "No. She could be upset that you look better in her clothes than she does."
"Oh," the man said.
Titus said, "Of course, that wouldn't necessarily lead to a divorce. I mean, a shopping trip could probably solve that problem. Can you tell me more about why she's divorcing you?"
The man answered, "She wants to divorce me because she thinks I'm crazy."
"Just a minute ago you were trying to blame it on the dress," Titus said.
"She says that a man who likes to wear dresses is crazy."
"Why would she call someone crazy just because their fashion sense doesn't agree with hers?" Titus asked.
"I don't know. I don't think she thinks of it that way. I know that I didn't think of it that way," the man said.
"How long have you been married?"
The man answered, "Over twenty years."
"You've been married that long. I find that interesting. Do you want a divorce?" Titus said.
"No. I love my wife," the man answered.
"We've already established that she wants a divorce so there's no need to ask about that. How long have you been wearing dresses?" Titus asked.
"Since I was a teenager. I used to sneak into my sister's room and try on her clothes."
Titus said, "That's quite a while. How have you managed to avoid having your wife see you do that for so long?"
"I used to travel occasionally for my job. I'd get into a new town and buy some clothes to wear around the hotel room. I'd throw them away before going home," the man answered.
Titus said, "I guess catching you wearing her dress came as a complete surprise to her."
"Yes."
"How often would you like to wear dresses?" Titus asked.
"What do you mean?" the man asked.
"Would you like to wear a dress every day or would once a week, once a month, a couple times a year, or once a year suffice," Titus asked.
"I'd be happy with once a month," the man answered.
Titus rummaged in his drawer and pulled out a sheet of paper. He put it into an envelope. He pulled out a couple of business cards and dropped them into the envelope. Pushing the envelope across the desk, Titus said, "Here's your solution."
"What is it?" the man asked.
"You need to visit a marriage counselor who deals with issues like this. I've included the business cards of several eminently qualified individuals," Titus answered.
"She barely talks to me. How am I to convince her to go there?"
Titus said, "You have to point out to her that she may have overlooked all of the benefits of being married to a man who likes to wear dresses."
"Benefits?"
Titus said, "Sure. Just think of how much easier it will be for her to go shopping for presents for you. No longer will she have to journey to the hardware store and face a confusing array of tools she can't name and doesn't know what they do. She can go to her favorite dress store and browse merchandise that she understands and appreciates."
"I never thought about that."
Titus said, "There are other benefits of her having discovered this passion of yours."
"What?"
Titus said, "After being married for twenty years, I'm sure that you two were running out of things to discuss around the dinner table. Now, you have a whole new subject area to discuss. You both even have an interest in it. Talk about the chances of reestablishing communications late in a marriage, you couldn't ask for something better."
"That's true."
"I'm sure that when she thinks about it that she's liable to come to the same conclusion as you," Titus said.
"Thanks," the man said. He picked up the envelope and left the office.
Titus watched man walk out the door and then started to write down his notes about the visit. Magus stepped in the office and said, "You handled that pretty well."
"Thank you," Stephen said turning around to look at Magus.
Magus asked, "How hard was it not to laugh?"
"It wasn't hard at all. I read some of your past cases like you told me to do. I read one of your cross-dressing cases and realized that it wasn't all that uncommon. I didn't expect a case like that to come in so soon, but I was ready," Stephen answered. He was pretty sure that if he hadn't read that earlier case that he would have burst out laughing.
Magus said, "You did miss something important."
"What?"
"You didn't ask him if he wanted to have sex with men," Magus said.
"It didn't cross my mind," Stephen said.
Magus said, "You will want to ask that next time. It can make a difference in what constitutes a good solution."
"I can see that," Stephen said.
"You did such an excellent job on that case that I'll let you have the next one," Magus said.
"Thanks," Stephen said feeling pretty smug.
Magus had no sooner stepped out of the office when the man who had just left returned. Surprised, Stephen asked, "Did you forget something?"
"I don't think so. Was I supposed to bring something with me?" the man asked.
"No. You were just in here," Stephen said.
The man replied, "No I wasn't. This is my first time here."
"Oh," Stephen said. He decided it was time to act like Titus.
"I have a problem and I hope that you can help me."
Titus explained the fee structure and took the man's ten dollars. He wrote out a receipt noticing that the man gave a different name from the previous time. Once all the payment business was completed, Titus said, "Tell me your problem."
"My wife is trying to kill me."
"Is that figuratively or literally?" Titus asked.
"Literally," the man answered.
"Is it accidental, intentional, or just the result of a habit?" Titus asked.
"What do you mean?"
Titus said, "If she keeps having automobile accidents with you in the car than it is probably accidental. If she is poisoning your coffee, then it is intentional. If she is serving you fatty bacon for breakfast every day it is probably the result of a habit."
"I see what you mean," the man said. "It is intentional."
"So you say that she is intentionally and literally trying to kill you," Titus said.
"Yes."
"Do you want to die?" Titus asked.
"No."
Titus asked, "Why not?"
"I want to live?"
"So your problem is that your wife is intentionally and literally trying to kill you and you would rather not be dead," Titus said.
"Exactly," the man said.
"What makes you think she's trying to kill you?" Titus asked.
"I overheard her while she was on the telephone trying to hire a hit man."
One could accept that as proof positive, but there was always a chance of error. Titus asked, "Do you have any proof?"
"No."
"Any chance she was joking?" Titus asked.
"She was quite serious," the man answered.
"Any chance you misunderstood?" Titus asked.
"No. She was pretty clear in stating what she wanted."
"What do you think is the reason she wants to kill you?" Titus asked.
"I'm worth more dead than alive."
Titus asked, "How much are you worth dead?"
"Two million on the insurance policy; double that if it is an accident."
"Is she the beneficiary?"
"Yes."
"That might provide a little motivation," Titus said. "Does she like money?"
"Yes," the man answered. "She fantasizes about it all of the time."
"This might seem like an unreasonable question, but do you want to remain married to her?" Titus asked.
"Not if she wants to kill me."
"How about if she got over her desire to kill you?"
"I don't know. Living with her and knowing that she wanted to kill me at one time will make it a little hard to sleep at night. There is a little matter of trust and a bigger issue of fear," the man answered. He was silent for a moment and then said, "I guess I wouldn't want to remain married to her."
"Do you want her to go to jail?" Titus asked. It amazed him when reading the case files how many people didn't want the offending parties to spend time in jail.
"Not really. I just want to get away from her and live out a normal life," the man answered.
Titus picked out a sheet covering hostile divorces and put it into an envelope. He took another sheet and wrote out some instructions on it. He dropped a couple of business cards into the envelope and then handed it across the desk to the man. He said, "Here's your solution."
"What is it?" the man asked. He looked down at the envelope suspiciously.
Titus said, "There are instructions in there on how to get a divorce when one of the parties is hostile, how to disappear for a while, and how to change your beneficiary on your insurance. Once you change the beneficiary on your insurance make sure that you tell your wife that you're worth more to her alive than dead."
"That might work," the man said nodding his head.
Titus said, "Just make sure that you're never around her again."
"Sure," the man said. He got out of the chair and left.
Magus came in the room and said, "That was well handled. You established intent, means, and motive for the wife. In your solution, you eliminated motive and removed opportunity."
"Thank you," Titus said.
"He'll come out of this situation in pretty good shape," Magus said.
"Thank you. I'm glad you think so."
Magus said, "You failed to mention that removing one motive could result in a new motive for killing him; one that would affect the means from being a professional job to where she might chose to kill him herself."
"I guess so," Titus said. He realized that he was going to have to spend a lot more time in the case files.
Magus said, "You also neglected to probe the possibility that he has a motive beyond responding to an unusual circumstance."
"Okay," Titus said.
Magus looked up at the ceiling and then said, "I wonder if the wife has a lover."
"Uh."
"I wonder who she was talking with over the phone," Magus said scratching his chin.
"Oh," Titus said.
Magus said, "At least you chose to use a hostile divorce solution. The private investigator can gather further evidence and make any additional recommendations to protect the client."
"I didn't think about it like that," Titus said.
"Still, not bad for your first attempt at a problem like this," Magus said. He cupped a hand to his ear and said, "Hark, I hear another customer. Have fun with this one."
Titus asked, "How many more customers am I getting this afternoon?"
"A dozen or more," Magus answered with a grin.
Titus said, "Thank god school starts tomorrow."
Magus had no sooner stepped out of the office when the man who had just left returned. The man said, "I have a problem and I hope that you can help me."
"Before we get to your problem, there is a small matter of the fee," Titus said. He explained the fee structure and took the man's ten dollars before producing a receipt. Once all of the payment business was completed, Titus said, "Tell me your problem."
"The government is beaming rays into my head."