Love?... A Dillemma - El Gato

 

After all these years, I'm just numb. When we were first married, I was deeply

in love with my wife. It was obvious to see, and easy to verify. Now I wonder if

she ever really loved me.

It was thrilling to see the joy in her eyes when we were together. Just to hold

her and make her feel safe brought great joy into my life. It was easy to talk

with her, to be with her; and touching her inflamed me. When we could be alone

together I was eager to bring her pleasure, not really wanting to push her for

my own; but desiring it nonetheless. Her words promised much, just later. Later.

I would return to my room and give myself relief, as I smelled her scent on my

fingers and hands.

We had a traditional wedding, in a small church. Our parents and a few friends

came out to wish us well on our journey through life. I claimed my bride fully

that night, both of us fumbling ineptly through our first times. The times after

were much better after we both lost our fears. I came to truly love using my

mouth and tongue on her breasts and pussy, watching her reach peak after peak

consumed my mind. Afterwards I had to 'get off of her' because she couldn't

stand my weight on her when we had finished coupling. Even when I desperately

wanted to just have her in my arms.

The few times she used her mouth on me felt good, but she could never keep going

until I finished. I would either 'shoot up her nose', or she would cough and gag

before my orgasm ran to completion. She never complained about the taste or

anything, but also never swallowed. Anything I said to try and explain how to

make it better for me was met with 'you don't love me' or 'I'm such a failure'.

I soon gave up any thought of explaining what felt good to me.

The rest of our marriage progressed along, as well. I supported her in her

career choices, and lent support in all her decisions. When things didn't go

well, I gave her an ear to talk to, a shoulder to cry on; and rebuilt her

self-esteem so she could face each day. Myself, I just plodded along making a

steady but unspectacular paycheck from month to month. Slowly I learned the

skills needed to advance and make more money for us. The months rolled together

into years.

Our sex life also continued apace. I would approach my wife, and sometimes we

would connect; and other times she was 'too tired' or 'too busy'. Or 'just not

in the mood'. I discovered that I was 'not romantic enough', and bought some

books to help me become more understanding and romantic. During and after a

romantic outing, she would often promise to 'reward' me for my efforts. More

often than not, these promises went unfulfilled.

I once convinced her to try anal sex. She had me get her very drunk before I was

allowed to try this 'dirty sex act' with her. Even as I felt her tight ass

around my cock, my mind was screaming 'It isn't supposed to be like this!' It

was a truly miserable experience for both of us. So, I told myself; 'Never

again.'

In the last few years I've noticed that she also has a tendency to lie to me.

When she would get home from work there was always some 'big event' that she had

to tell me about. Or something had happened with a friend or member of her

family. Only if I ever followed up and asked anyone about it, all I got were

astonished looks that I could imagine such things!

I've also almost totally stopped approaching her, I'm finally tired of rejection

and broken promises. I've never been unfaithful to her, and never will; but no

longer expect her to meet any of my needs or desires. Sad.

I've tried to talk to her, but all that happens is another argument. I'm sick of

arguments, too.

These last few weeks I've been looking back over our 'marriage'. I was also

thinking about the things I had 'learned' in college, but was too stupid or

blinded by love to really understand them. I'm wondering if it is too late to

apply this knowledge. The class asked about power in relationships, and the

differences in how men and women show love.

In a relationship, the person with the least amount to 'lose' is in control. The

person with the most vested in the relationship has the least control. Looking

back, I could see how this applied to me. I would do anything, suffer anything,

and give up everything to make my wife happy. To keep her from harm, from

suffering. She controlled my life totally.

How does a man show a woman that he loves her? He does everything in his power

to protect her, cherish her, provides for her wellness, pleasure, and happiness.

He also gives himself to her completely and tells her that he loves her, because

words mean something to real men. The actions follow because the words have

meaning and value.

How does a woman show a man that she loves him? She cares for him when he needs

it, supports him in his joy or pain, and provides council to help keep him on

track. She also takes him into herself without guile, knowing the pleasure and

comfort she gives will also sustain her. She speaks of her love for him, and her

actions give true meaning to the spoken words.

I took a vow to 'love, honor, and cherish' my wife 'until death do us part'. I

take my vows seriously, and have never dishonored her by cheating. Have I broken

them because I find it difficult to love and cherish her as when they were first

made? Does my wife not truly love me, or perhaps doesn't understand what love

is? What do I do to answer these questions, and what do I do if an answer never

presents itself?

This is my dilemma.

Finis

El Gato
El Gato