Disclaimer:  I don't own 'em.  All the characters you recognize belong to someone who isn't me and are used without permission purely (!) for a little non-profit personal entertainment.

Codes/warnings/ratings:  Oz/Xander, G, preslash

Oz muses.
 
 
Unaware
by Melissa
 

I think about it, sometimes.

I mean, I love Willow.  I do.  I know this.  But sometimes, I think about it.  Xander.

Sometimes, I think about Xander.

I don't really believe in god.  I mean, it's nice that vamps hate the cross and all, but the whole religious scene really doesn't do it for me.  Besides, I'm not really sure they'd appreciate a werewolf in their midst.  Huh, werewolves in the mist - that might make a cool song -

Anyway.

I'm bisexual.  I've known this for a while now.  A couple of years.  But it's one of those things that's really hard to tell people.  Coming out as gay would be easier.  "By the way, I'm gay."  See?  Piece of cake.  But being bi -  now that's a hard thing to tell people.  You either expect them to say, "So?" which would actually be kind of cool, or, "Ew!"  which would be rather disturbing.

And besides, it's not really lying.  I mean, I like girls.  I go out with girls.  Willow's a girl.  End of case, right?  Wrong.

Because I've been looking at Xander.

Now, the whole Willow-Xander thing was pretty upsetting, I will admit.  But not just for the reasons everyone's assuming.

I've been attracted to him for a while.  But now that we're cool again, I've doing a lot of thinking.  Or lusting, whatever.

I've been sleeping with Willow for a week now.  She's beautiful and sexy and amazing and I love her.  But I'm still thinking about Xander.

It's stupid.  It's utterly stupid.  I should get him out of my head and focus on Willow.

But I can't.

I get this nightly slide show running in my head, after Willow falls asleep.  Xander, with his shirt off.  Xander, naked.  Xander, touching himself.  Xander, coming.

I dreamed about it, once.  Me and him, having sex.

I've never actually done it with a guy.

I mean, it's one thing to know that the possibility exists.  That you are attracted to people of your own gender in general.  And kissing someone of your own gender - that's something different again.

I've kissed Devon.

We were pretty drunk, and we passed out before anything else could really happen.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Devon says he doesn't remember anything, and I haven't refreshed his memory.  I mean, either he really doesn't, which I guess is fine, or he's pretending he doesn't, which is also fine.

But it was nice kissing another guy.

And I'm still thinking about Xander.  And the dream I had about him.  And me.  And the sex.

In the dream, he'd just thrown open my door, announced, "Daniel, I want you," and jumped me.  Which is weird, because he never calls me Daniel.

So, we're humping each other like mad, just trying to get off, and the next thing I know, I'm awake and humping Willow's leg like a horny puppy.

That was pretty embarrassing.  Not that I'd ever admit that to her, of course.

Taciturn Oz.  It's easier that way.  I think a lot, in the privacy of my own head, but it's generally easier to let people infer whatever they want to believe.

So as far as Willow's concerned - and the rest of the world, too, for that matter - I'm Straight Oz.  I'm Never-Even-*Thought*-About-Sex-With-a-Man Oz.

And that's fine with me.

Because Xander is straighter than straight.

I have this feeling that with enough alcohol and/or a liberal dose of pot, he might change his tune.  But I'd never do that to him.  Being a teenager is hard enough these days - especially in Sunnydale - and there's no need to make it that much harder.

Besides, I do actually love Willow.  It's just that I *want* Xander.  I mean, I *want* Willow, too, but maybe it's because he's unobtainable.  And completely clueless.  I don't know.

If he'd meant to figure it out, he will.  I have to believe that.

Until then, I'm making do.
 
 

The End

comments, questions, flames, and virtual chocolate can be sent by express post to mduncan@ihug.co.nz