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Fish Tank (Me and the Wizard and the Princess) [rom] [humour] [zork] [nosex]

By Jim Butterfield

This story is based on a fragment of the game, ZORK II, written in 1981 by Dave Lebling and Marc Blank and published by Infocom. Parts of the game's room descriptions are reproduced here. If you have never played ZORK, I recommend you get it! The Zork trilogy is copyright, but can be downloaded free from http://www.csd.uwo.ca/Infocom/download.html

The room was cobwebby and musty. At the south end of the room was a stained and battered door. Imbedded in the door was a nasty-looking lizard head, with sharp teeth and beady eyes. The eyes moved to watch me approach.

I was wearing the standard Frobozz Adventurer's Jacket. Somewhere in the pockets and flaps, I knew there was something to help me with the lizard head. I took the jacket off and began to search it.

A few moths flew out. Then I found the candies, a special assortment which included such delicacies as candied grasshoppers, chocolated ants, and worms glacee. I fed them to the lizard head. It gobbled them hungrily; I was careful to keep my fingers out of range. Soon it became drowsy, and its head started to droop.

There were rustling noises behind me. I turned to see the beautiful young woman approach. The last time I had seen her, she was riding away on a unicorn (side saddle, of course). At that time, her hair was unkempt and her gown was dirty and bedraggled. Now she was wearing a new gown, and her grooming was perfect: hair, eyes, and cheeks were flawless.

Damnit, I'm great with trolls and dragons, but I don't feel comfortable dealing with women, especially beautiful ones. "Hello," I stammered. "I see you're back". Boy, am I a great conversationalist.

"I wanted to thank you again for rescuing me from that dragon," she said. "He really was a horrid worm."

Modest? Not me. Well, not usually. "I didn't really kill the dragon. He was rather a stupid beast, and virtually committed suicide. It's a shame, really; he was a splendid creature."

"Ugh." She grimaced (but prettily). "He stank. Literally. And he made a number of rather offensive suggestions to me. I was starting to worry."

"Well, you're all right now." What a limp statement. C'mon, you can do better than that. "In fact, you look great! Terrific! Sensational!" Gosh, that's going too far. I scuffed my feet and blushed.

"Thank you, kind sir," she said, and blushed in turn. "I thought that, since you have helped me, I might be able to help you. I know my way around the Great Underground Empire."

"I think you've already helped me. That gold key that you took from around the unicorn's neck, and gave to me - I suspect it will open this door when the lizard head is, ummm, out to lunch."

She nodded. "That's right. And it looks like he's going to be out for days."

"Oh, and you gave me another thing - the rose. But I haven't figured out what that's good for."

She smiled and said nothing.

I knew I had the gold key somewhere, but it had somehow slipped into the lining of my adventurer's jacket. I took the jacket off, and began to explore down the left sleeve. A white rabbit popped out, gave me a nasty look, and then loped away.

The gold key fell out of some part of the jacket, and tinkled on the floor. I picked it up and turned it in the lock. The lizard head woke for a moment, drowsily muttered, "Tickles!" and then went back to sleep.

I stepped inside and stared around in amazement. "Gosh! The Wizard's workshop! Now we can get some important problems solved!"

"Have you met the Wizard of Frobozz yet?" she asked.

Why'd she have to bring that up? "What a pain in .. what an annoying man! He's thrown several spells at me, for no good reason that I can see. Strange: all his spells start with the letter 'F'!"

"I think he's a delightful little fellow. None of his spells are harmful. He's a little, well, fey, but he can be great fun. His 'Facial' spell did wonders for my complexion. And his 'Fashion' spell produces marvellous clothing, such as this gown I'm wearing."

I gaze at her with admiration. "Gosh, yes, you're gorgeous."

She looked at me with amusement. "Are you sure he hasn't cast a 'Flirt' spell on you? I'd like to hear about your encounters with him. What did he do that you found so annoying?"

"His tricks made me feel silly; I don't even like to tell you about them. His 'Farce' spell had me running around with a big red nose and great floppy shoes. The 'Feline' spell turned me into a cat for a few minutes; I was growling, meowing and looking for mice. But the worst ..." I broke off, embarrassed.

"C'mon, tell me," she coaxed.

"Well, I was in a cavern when he cast the 'Flatulence' spell. The result of that one was a rockfall that almost maimed me."

She tutted in mock sympathy. "Well, I happen to know that this is the fiftieth anniversary of his tenure as a wizard, and he has been hinting that he has something special planned. I don't know what it might be."

I snorted. "He just likes to embarrass me. Why can't he smarten up and get a life? Ugly little pest ..." But I had lost her attention. She was looking at something behind me, and started to giggle. I turned around.

A strange little man in a long cloak had appeared suddenly in the room. He was wearing a high pointed hat embroidered with astrological signs, and inscribed untidily with the words "Annie Verse Surry". He had a long, stringy, and unkempt beard. I wasn't sure whether I should apologise or run.

The Wizard drew forth his wand and waved it in my direction. It began to glow with a faint blue glow. The Wizard, in a deep and resonant voice, spoke the word "Fishtank!" He cackled gleefully. A pink piece of paper appeared and floated to the floor. The Wizard used the wand to scratch a spot on his back, and then vanished in a puff of purple smoke.

The Princess (for she undoubtedly was a princess, at least in my mind) picked up the paper and handed it to me. "I think it's a clue."

I looked at the paper, puzzled, "'puowpsep'? Obviously a code. 'Place underwear on workbench ..?' 'Prise up old window pane ..?'" I shook my head in bafflement.

She looked over my shoulder. Her laughter was a delight to hear. "I think you're holding it upside down."

I turned it around. "Now it says, 'desdmona'. A name, with curious spelling. Is that you?"

She shook her head. "I don't know of anyone called Desdmona here in the Underground Empire. Maybe we'll know more after we figure out this fishtank thing."

"OK, let's look around. The corridor to the west smells slightly of incense or candle smoke; let's start out in that direction."

The Wizard's workbench dominated the new room. It was made of dark, heavy wood bound with iron. The workbench was stained from many years of use, and was deeply gouged as though some huge clawed animal was imprisoned on it. There were burn marks and even notes written in a crabbed hand. Many arcane items were scattered about the bench; alembics, mortar and pestle, small knives of various sizes, odd scraps of vellum, wax candles, and much more. In the centre of a relatively clear area of the bench were affixed three stands - ruby, sapphire, and diamond - which formed a triangle.

After my clumsy performance so far, I needed to do something to impress the Princess. I gazed at the stand, then had an inspiration. "Don't tell me! Don't tell me! I know! I know!" I babbled. "I already have a red ball and a blue ball! So I'll start by putting my balls on the stand!"

The Princess turned away. Her shoulders were shaking. I was afraid I'd said something to make her sad; but when she turned back I could see she was trying not to laugh. "Do you realize what you just said?" she spluttered.

I thought for a moment. "Oh." Then, "Spheres! That's their name! That's what I should have called them! The red sphere goes on the ruby stand, and the blue sphere on the sapphire stand! I'll do it now!"

I had to prise the spheres out of my adventure's jacket. You'd think they would be easy to find. I eventually located them underneath the wombat, who appeared to be trying to hatch them. I placed the two spheres into position. Nothing happened.

She gazed at the empty diamond stand. "Looks like you need a crystal ball." She laughed, and then corrected herself, "I mean sphere. Have you seen any of those around?"

I shook my head. "I've snooped around almost everywhere else. This area is about all that's left. We'd better check out the other rooms here."

We continued into a dark hallway, turning a corner. Bingo! Filling the northern half of the room was a huge aquarium. A jumbo fishtank! The aquarium contained a baby sea serpent.

We approached the glass and looked at the baby sea serpent. "Maybe this is Desdmona. Looks kind of cute, huh, Princess?" I started to reach into the tank.

"Stop!" she exclaimed. "The Wizard keeps dangerous items in here. This ... thing ... may look innocent, but I can tell you that it's got a nasty bite. Back off and let's think."

We stepped back and contemplated the fishtank. How could capturing a sea serpent help us? And what could we keep it in? Was it really a clue, or was the wizard trying once again to confuse us?

Suddenly, the Princess was alert. "You have a bat, right? Give it to me."

"Um ... it's in my jacket somewhere." I took the stupid thing off and began to poke around. A bat flew out of the lining and into the gloom, chattering as it went. I looked at the Princess. She sighed, and just stood there, tapping her foot.

Finally, I unearthed the baseball bat. She grabbed it and flung it with all her might at the fishtank.

The wooden club shattered the glass wall of the aquarium, spilling out an impressive amount of salt water and wet sand. It also spilled out an extremely annoyed sea serpent who bit angrily at the wooden club, and then at us. He was having difficulty breathing, and he seemed to hold the Princess responsible for his current problem. He tried to slither across the stone floor towards her. Fortunately, he expired mere inches away from biting off her foot.

I turned to the Princess in puzzlement. Then I looked at the aquarium. A clear crystal sphere was sitting amid the sand and broken glass. The Princess stepped daintily across the wet floor, took the sphere, and gave it to me. I kept it in my hands; I didn't want to take a chance of losing it somewhere in the depths of my jacket.

"Did you really need to kill, um, Desdmona?" I asked. I guess, for an adventurer, I'm kind of a wuss.

"That's not his name. He's a nephew of the red dragon. I was supposed to marry that ... thing! Can you believe it?"

"You have no idea how vicious a fishtank can be," she continued. It's a jungle in there, a dog-eat-dog world, a cold-blooded hotbed, a heartless heartland. You'd be a fish out of water in there." I marvelled at her mangled metaphors. I could understand why she was fearful of the fishtank.

She headed back to the workshop. How in the world could her sandals be spotless and dry after that event? My boots were waterlogged. I sloshed along behind her, carefully carrying the crystal sphere. It took only a moment to put it into the diamond stand.

A low humming noise began, and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck begin to stand up. The three spheres begin to vibrate, faster and faster, as the noise became higher and higher pitched. Three puffs of smoke, one red, one blue, one white, rose up from empty stands. The spheres were gone! But in the centre of the triangle formed by the stands was now a black stand of obsidian in which rested a strange black sphere. I picked up the black sphere.

Suddenly the Wizard materialized in the room. He was astonished by what he saw: the black crystal in the hands of a common adventurer! He drew forth his wand, waved it frantically, and incanted "Frobizz! Frobozzle! Frobnoid!" But his spells seemed to have no effect.

The Princess stepped forward. "You're sweet," she said to me. "But this is dungeon business. Give me a moment; I want to have a private word with the Wizard." She disappeared off to the south, with the Wizard following. I could hear low voices. The black sphere was heavy; I shifted it from hand to hand, then put it down on the workbench.

The Princess and the Wizard reappeared a few minutes later.

"You should stay clear of that room to the south," she said. "That's the pentagram room. If you took the black crystal there, you'd find you have to deal with a pretty nasty demon. In that case, you would kiss your treasures goodbye, and my old friend the Wizard would be stripped of his powers."

"I've made a deal with the Wiz, though. Look!" With a flourish, she brought her hand forward; it was holding the Wizard's wand. "We can borrow it for a few days. Think of all the lovely spells that start with the letter 'F'!"

I liked the way she was using 'we' in describing future events.

"But ... what about 'Desdmona'?" I asked. "If it wasn't the sea serpent, what did that note mean?"

The Wizard cackled. "I'm going to celebrate my fiftieth anniversary with a sex change! 'Desdmona' will be my new name! What do you think? Druid Desdmona? Dark Lady Desdmona?"

I thought of a few other 'D' words that might be suitable, but the Princess broke in. "We can take care of that right now!" she exclaimed. She drew forth the wand and waved it in the direction of the Wizard. As it began to glow with a faint blue glow, she spoke the word "Female!" Wizard and wand both began to throb with pulses of power. The Wizard started to change form, softening and rounding. "Whee!" he/she shouted, and danced off out of sight.

The Princess looked after him. "I always wondered about the Wizard. Despite his unkempt appearance, he had, well, too much of a sense of style. His 'Frock' spell was so elegant, and, oh! the 'Footwear' spell created shoes to die for! I think he'll be happier this way. I suppose he'll be wanting to borrow some of my clothes."

She sighed. "Well, that just leaves the two of us. And I seem to recall that just beyond the aquarium, the Wizard has a bedroom."

"Uh .. about the unicorn ..." I mumbled.

Her eyes twinkled. "Don't worry about that," she said. "After all, the wizard did cast a 'Facts of life' spell on me." She set off towards the Wizard's quarters.

And as we walked along, I think I heard her murmur, "Perhaps my next spell will be 'Flagpole'!"

--end--