Fish Tank Story Comments

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From: Bradley Stoke
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 11 Jun 2002 00:55:44 -0700

Qikless

Another story. So soon after the last one! But (let's be honest) a much better, more accomplished story. One that had very few of the oddities that come from writing in something that's not your native language, one that had no sex at all (though it worried me initially with the little girl and everything) and one that was very well structured and paced.

There was so much to like about it that it's difficult to know what to focus on. As other people will also make their comments, I don't need to fear that I'll miss something out. So, I won't mention how tickled I was by the self-referential nature of the story (though I hope you're not suggesting that the Fish Tank is a condition of trauma-induced mental illness).

My first item of praise will be about the subtle way that I (and many other readers no doubt) was drawn into the illusion. Only on second reading did the odd references to the narrow road and the naked feet make much sense. That was extremely well done. Quite masterful, in fact.

My second item is the opening scene of the father with her daughter. One of the problems that comes from reading stories on ASSTR is that it is difficult to read stories of filial affection without wondering whether there is an incest angle. This is (of course) my fault. If I knew that reading such stuff would affect me like that, I should never have ventured into that territory. Here, though, Qikless has managed to carry off the affection between father and daughter without a single sexual reference. And it is so nice to see a portrayal of non-sexual love for a change in this highly charged atmosphere.

My criticisms are going to be fairly faint. But they have to be done.

My first would be why the protagonist has to be a "brilliant scientist". In too many stories, the heroes are not just "authors", they're "world-famous authors". They're not just "computer programmers", they can crack a hitherto safe 98 bit encryption code in ten seconds. Flat. They can not only vault tall buildings, they can recite poetry underwater. The protagonist doesn't have to be extraordinary at all. In fact, it diminishes the impact of the story by suggesting that only the very capable can fall so far from grace.

My second I can't really think of actually. As I can't think of something, it's probably better not to manufacture a criticism just to fill my quota. So, I'll stick to one criticism.

An excellent story.

One question. "Qikless"? What does that mean?

Bradley Stoke

For More : http://www.asstr.org/~Bradley_Stoke

(mirror: http://bradley-stoke.fsn.net)

From: oosh
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 12:04:09 +0000 (UTC)

Fish tank(no sex)
by Qickless at qickless@fastmail.fm

I thought this story flowed with great assurance. Among the many things I liked were the excellent opening - we are into the action immediately, and with the greatest naturalness. I thought that the portrayal of the girl was really convincing. (Too many writers make their child characters too babyish or too precocious to be believable.) The description of the daughter settling herself for sleep was masterly. And in general, each sentence made me want to read the next.

The cavils are comparatively minor.

... I asked her why
she'd chose me.

That should be "chosen".

It was no use going with her to the shop, she'd be too confused at the wild assortment of fish, and she'd make a hue and cry about every single color anyway. I'd go and buy her one, and then I'll surprise her when she comes back.

The first comma should be either a colon or a dash. A hue and cry is not a fuss: it's a legal term for a public outcry against a felon, or public pursuit of a felon. And finally, the last two verbs are in the present: I think it would be more consistent with the rest of the story if we had "I'd surprise her when she came back."

From: Iconoclast
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: Wed, 12 Jun 2002 21:19:15 GMT

"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in
news:ug98snoluvgpc8@news.supernews.com:

The following is the 42nd submission. (Won't it be grand when we reach fifty?) It's a short story at 1,723 words. FishTank guidelines apply:

1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!

A lot of things were nicely done in this story, and in general I liked it.

Firstly, the narrator had a voice and tone which was thoroughly believable and consistent - love for his daughter and for his missing wife and anguish and questioning about why his wife has laft him. Everything hung together well, and the ending was subtly foreshadowed but not given away before absolutely necessary. And the punch line at the end provided a satisfying resolution.

Secondly, the was a real story told, with a conflict, a climax and a resolution. All the conflict was internal, and yet maintained my interest through to the end, which is essential for any story that aims to be more than a stroke tale.

And now for the quibbles.

I found it hard at some points to follow who was being talked about. An example:

I hated leaving her alone at night. I'll always remember the first few days after she left us, I'd ...

I had to read further on to find out that the "she" in the second sentence was the mother and not the daughter he had just put to bed. There are a number of instances of this in the story, and it might make it easier to follow if names were used where pronouns have ambiguous antecedents.

There appears to be a lack of internal consistency, particulalry with the ages of the characters. From the end of the story we know that the daughter is 12 years old, which is consistent with her actions and speech. But earlier on we hear that " ...in those two years, we shared more joy than I thought possible.", presumably speaking about his time with Desdmona. And we are told that the accident was a year ago. Not a major point, but it jarred on me.

I won't mention some grammatical errors because they are easily fixed and not intrusive in any case. All in all a good effort.

Iconoclast

From: Uther Pendragon
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 14 Jun 2002 20:06:58 -0600

I try to miss the comments until I see the story. In this case, I saw some. None of them spilled the ending, though.

This was a beautiful story. Not quite a sex story, but a beautiful exzmple of whatever it is.

I can't find any negatives.

Uther Pendragon FAQs http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c anon584c@nyx.net fiqshn http://www.asstr.org/~Uther_Pendragon

From: Mat Twassel
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 14 Jun 2002 02:58:48 GMT

Some things to fix:

1. Punctuation after quotes.

"Ouch! What did you do that for?" it was ...

When a new sentence starts after a quote, the sentence should begin with a capital letter. Several of these mistakes.

2. Her face dissolved into my mind, as it compared and contrasted her with what was lost.

It seems that her face is doing this comparison. Disorienting.

3. She had me eating out of her hand, and she knew it.

Is it possible to have someone eating out of your hand and not know it?

4. I was no competition. I loved her too much, she was so much like her mother, so much that it hurt to know that I could love her so much. I hugged her again and felt her giggly ribs hug me back.

Competition is probably the wrong word here. I kind of like the giggly ribs but I don't really see them as able to hug.

5. "Could be, but you have'ta convince me."

I'm not too fond of these types of contractions. Hafta would be better. I'd probably stick with "have to."

6. her small body hardly making a dent in the sheets.

The dent would be beneath her, wouldn't it?

7. I hated leaving her alone at night. I'll always remember the first few days after she left us, I'd spent the nights cuddling her to me, whispering that everything was going to be okay, everything was going to be fine, mama was going to come back, numerous short phrases that kept creeping to my mind as I felt her cry under my arms.

Pronoun use is needlessly confusing.

"I'll always remember" is weak, awkward and unnecessary. Cut it. I'd also cut the final phrase - the image it evokes it peculiar: the girl's tears as his perspiration.

8. The next morning she'd asked me, her blue eyes still wet, her cheeks red from all the crying,

"Is mama dead?"

Both these paragraphs belong in the paragraph preceeding. You use this form elsewhere. I'd avoid it.

Also, it's a little awkward the way the general days shift to this particular morning.

9. I'd laughed at that name, but after I saw her, I didn't dare to. Her tall, slender, sinewy figure could and would beat the crap out of anybody who'd tell her that.

Tell her what?

Also, how does a figure beat the crap out of somebody?

10. she'd chose

11. I've never lived a fuller day than those that I've spent with Des.

Problem with number.

12. The TV could stare back at me no more.

Why not? Make sure your sentences say what you want them to.

13. She woke me up the next day.

A bit of confusion - the pronoun, the transition.

14. It's been a year since she was gone. One year, and the pain changes its poignancy into fragments inside you, shattering when you least want it to. I looked out at the summer sky, the blinds starting to heat up, the settled sense of loss struggling to overpower me.

A bit murky. Not just the question who was gone.

15. I'd go and buy her one, and then I'll surprise her when she comes back.

Tense.

16. The expression all over her face regarded me with extreme curiosity.

Expressions do not "regard."

17. I'd something in my hands, as I looked down, I realized that it was the TV remote.

Fix the sentences. For example:

I had something in my hand. I looked down. The TV remote.

And:

"Just something that looks nice, it's for my daughter."

"Just something that looks nice. It's for my daughter."

18. and the other took out something that was almost shaped like a syringe.

But it was not a syringe? Peculiar.

19. It read, "#23 James Corrigan"

Need period.

20. All the fish tanks bubbled around me, and overflowed in one single motion as I screamed, like I screamed the day I lost them both.

Be careful how you use like and as. The basic image is fine. The revelation seems a bit abrupt.

21. As they carried me down the carpeted hall, and into the gray cell, I heard them speak,

You don't need "I heard them speak." Just report the speaking. For example:

They carried me down the carpeted hall and into the gray cell. "I'm sorry ma'am," the man told the woman. "This is the first time ...

22. Getting the details this way (overheard conversation) is a little "pat." And why did the woman from the "pet store" come along? Just so you could have this conversation?

23. Even through all the mist and the fog, I glanced at her and smiled. She looked at me and smiled back, the contours of her face brightening and lighting up to envelope a warmth around her.

Pronouns! It's disturbing not knowing whether he is talking about the wife or the daughter. Perhaps you mean to show that he doesn't distinguish them. You need to be clearer about this.

24. The Fish tank had broken, for a while.

"For a while" seems a little too knowing and a little weak. I'm not sure I understand the broken fish tank. Things seem confused. Part of it is the tense. It probably okay that it's complicated. But there's some ambiguity here that I'm not sure you mean. Is his objective to escape the memories of his family? Are we to see him as the fish? It's certainly interesting.

Fix this stuff and I think you've got a brilliant story. I've mentioned 24 things to take a look at, but the good things here almost blow the bad things out of the water. There are so many good things: The voice and mood and rhythm. The details. The way the little girl is rendered (whether in his imagination or not) - perfect.

I strongly recommend you read a story by William Peden called "Night in Funland."

- Mat Twassel

From: Always Horny
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002 15:59:40 +0200

Desdmona wrote:

1) 2 positive comments
Nice description of both characters and of the relationship

The twist at the end is really unexpected. For those who like that, well done.

2) 2 suggestions for improvement
First and foremost, do place it in the right forum. What in heck does this story have to do with alt.SEX.stories.* ?

I hugged her again and felt her giggly ribs hug me back.

her ribs hug me back, really?

A_H_01 at hotmail. com

From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002 09:27:30 -0500

On Mon, 10 Jun 2002 08:55:56 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:

First, I really like the dreamy feel of this story. It is perfect. Hard to offer suggestions for improvements.

There is one tiny bit of sex in the tale. But it is probably tiny enough to let it remain a (nosex) story. The story isn't really about sex. There is romance, in fact the entire thing might be taken as a (rom) tale.

A small confusing bit. His daughter is just twelve, yet he and Desdmona were together for two years, and the accident was a year ago. He thinks it is a year ago too. So that makes me guess it is a stepdaughter. Maybe that doesn't matter, but it is one odd thing about the tale which made me have to read it again to see if I missed something.

Not the the rest doesn't make you want to read it twice. The ending comes along nicely, the feeling of dreaminess rather than reality becomes more obvious as the story goes on.

Anyway, it is really nicely done. Hard to tell how to improve it. I don't even think it would be inherently better with a bigger sex scene, though I usually like seeing lots of sex in my sex stories.

Jeff

Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/

There is nothing more important than petting the cat.

From: Souvie
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002 10:41:01 -0400

On Fri, 14 Jun 2002 09:27:30 -0500, Jeff Zephyr <jeffzeph@hotmail.com> wrote:

Hard to tell how to improve it.

See Mat's reply - he knows how.

- Souvie

From: PleaseCain
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 14 Jun 2002 17:57:50 GMT

Cool story. You've attempted so much here, and for the most part succeeded. The pathos starts right with that mysterious bite to his ear, and is sustained throughout. The recurring images tie things up nicely.

Parallels between daughter and mother notwithstanding, there were a couple of spots where pronouns confused me:

... I hated leaving her alone at night. I'll always remember the first few days after she left us, I'd spent the nights cuddling her to me ... [her/she/her in two sentences, referring to two people]

... I thought about her request. Fishes? Des had loved fishes. [her & Des are separate people]

Some of the punctuation seems off. For instance:

... never ever bother you again," she was doing some jumps ... [Start new sentence with "she"]

"Yay! Yay!" she jumped up and down that creaky bed ... [Start new sentence with "she"]

"Ouch! What did you do that for?" it was quite a sharp ... [Start new sentence with "it"]

I loved these moments, the 'but' hung in the air, and she almost seemed to gobble up the next words, her mind furiously working out scenarios .... [Run-on sentence]

She laughed, and cried as I did ... [Remove comma]

Good bit of storytelling, like your last one. You are a daredevil - I admire that.

Cain

From: Mat Twassel
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 16 Jun 2002 03:16:16 GMT

Bradley Stoke writes:

My criticisms are going to be fairly faint. But they have to be done.

My first would be why the protagonist has to be a "brilliant scientist". In too many stories, the heroes are not just "authors", they're "world-famous authors". They're not just "computer programmers", they can crack a hitherto safe 98 bit encryption code in ten seconds. Flat. They can not only vault tall buildings, they can recite poetry underwater. The protagonist doesn't have to be extraordinary at all. In fact, it diminishes the impact of the story by suggesting that only the very capable can fall so far from grace.

One answer might be that readers prefer to read about the greats and not the ordinaries. It's been that way forever. Shakespeare, to name one pop writer, told stories mostly of kings and princes.

I understand I think what Bradley is getting at, but here's something to consider: In this story we don't know that the character was truly a brilliant scientist. That's merely the report of one of the other characters in the story. And whether the protagonist was a brilliant scientist or not, it's human nature for the keeper to overstate the situation. Here the keeper doesn't even go that far - he distances himself by saying, "They say he was a brilliant scientist." So I don't really see this as a problem. Maybe it's even a plus.

- Mat Twassel
Mat's Erotic Calendar at http://calendar.atEros.com

From: Qickless
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 16 Jun 2002 13:25:54 -0700

I'll begin by thanking everybody who's commented: Bradley, O, Iconoclast, Jeff, Cain and Mat

Fishtank was written because Ray send me a mail regarding Fishtank's anniversary. A fool that I am, I mistook a date two months from now for this one, and promptly rushed off a story to Des with an idea that has been brewing around in my mind for some while. Well, since it has no sex, it was not meant to arouse, but simply to make people think. Hope that I succeeded.

Bradley - I'll think about the brilliant scientist bit, but I think you do have a point although that figures so little in the story.

O - Thanks for your comments about the child. Yes, and my grammar is indeed very poor, and needs a lot of work.

Iconoclast -
"I had to read further on to find out that the "she" in the second sentence was the mother and not the daughter ..." Well, that was the idea, but I agree, the pronoun similarity was not the best way to do it. I'll reword that.

"There appears to be a lack of internal consistency, particulalry with the ages of the characters." The girl was born of an earlier relationship. Genetically It's not his, it's Desdmona's, but he learns to love and treasure everything that's her.

Jeff - I can't quote it (rom) since it's not exactly that. Perhaps if I'd described their relationship more, I could have done that. And now, as I read the story over, I feel I should have done that; it would've made it more effective.

Cain -
Thankyou for the grammar and punctuation corrections.

"You are a daredevil - I admire that." I somehow don't think that I'm a daredevil<g>

Mat -
Whoa! That is a long list. And I think that was a very well thought-out list of improvements too. Thanks a lot.

Numbers 1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 15, 16, 17,(That was a very good one, thanks) 18, 19 and 21 were immediately added to my list of corrections. Especially 17, since I almost discovered a new way to write things that come into my head.

About 2, 3, 4, 9, 12, 13, 14, 20 - I suppose you must've noticed the imagery that I use: it's just that if I start changing all that, the very tone that you mentioned is good will not be the same - so I don't want to do that.

"22. Getting the details this way (overheard conversation) is a little "pat." And why did the woman from the "pet store" come along? Just so you could have this conversation?"

I totally agree. Actually in my first draft there were no details at all. The story truncated when he was injected. But I felt there should be something, but by then, this was the only option that I could think of.

"23. Even through all the mist and the fog, I glanced at her and smiled. She looked at me and smiled back, the contours of her face brightening and lighting up to envelope a warmth around her.

Pronouns! It's disturbing not knowing whether he is talking about the wife or the daughter. Perhaps you mean to show that he doesn't distinguish them. You need to be clearer about this."

I seem to have totally lost you here. The woman that is mentioned is the woman in the red dress. It is she who finally gives him hope. But here the pronouns probably would've confused everybody and that is entirely my fault. "The woman smiled back," or something perhaps would've carried the idea forward.

"24. The Fish tank had broken, for a while.

Well, the revelation follows<g>:

He associates the fishtank with his loss. Maybe he even has a grudge against the fish that survived when his wife and daughter died. That is why he is "imprisoned" in the tank, his memories hold him back from making any new relationships with anybody, and he draws himself into a shell. Since he's always been a dreamer, he finds consolation in "answers" that he can invent to his countless questions(by way of his fantasies) The little girl plays a very important part because the girl portrays his loss(of Des) and his questions and recollection.

He can't relate to anybody, but accidently he meets this lady who actually entertains his fantasies for a little while. And then, he realizes that maybe he can relate to her. It's his search for acceptance.

Usually I don't explain a lot because I write my stories so that the readers can make their own answers to questions(and it spoils the fun).

But I thought you guys deserved it<g> A real thankyou again to everybody who commented. Hope I didn't miss anybody, if I did, let me know.

Well, that's about it. This is my fourth story, after Not Right, I wrote I'll do it 1 and 2, and then Candyman. Anybody who liked this will probably like Candyman, it runs along the same lines. I'm working on three different things right now - I have a novel length MC plot that is maturing fast(but I will post that in a year or so<g>), a robot story that I've worked out in my head, and a incest story that I'll post soon after I tidy up somethings.

All that has been possible because of the encouragement that I received at Fishtank. I'd like to thank everybody who commented to this, and my earlier story Not Right. I'd like to thank Desdmona(love that name) for her work at Fishtank, and hope that in some small way, I've contributed to its anniversary.

Thanks all,
Qickless
(not Qikless, or Kickless or Quickless or whatever<g> and the name is a bit like my writing, you decide what it means<g>)

Get all my work at http://www.asstr.org/~qickless

From: Mat Twassel
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 20 Jun 2002 13:07:38 GMT

Qickless writes:

I suppose you must've noticed the
imagery that I use: it's just that if I start changing all that, the very tone that you mentioned is good will not be the same - so I don't want to do that.

Quite so. Tone and imagery do seem to go together. I'm not sure I'm complaining about the heart of these images as I am about some slip in presentation. I know this isn't a perfect analogy, but consider the performance of a piece of piano music. Many regard Artur Schnabel as a wonderful interpretor of the Beethoven sonatas, and I agree. He has a feel for the music, and it comes through. But sometimes his fingers are not up to the passages - they don't fully match his vision, and he plays a few wrong notes. Now maybe this adds to the humanity of the piece, but I don't think Schnabel's intent was to hit wrong notes. It's a flaw, one we can ignore, or one we can say adds to the humanity, or whatever we want, but what we'd prefer (I think) is that he'd have been able to match his vision AND get the notes right. If you don't like Schnabel feel free to substitute Horowitz or Geseking or Cortot, all of whom were wonderful pianists. They all slipped sometimes. In short, it's not the tone, it the technical execution, and I wouldn't have Horowitz less passionate for the sake of a few "right" notes, nor would I want you to change your writing if it were to interfere with the images, the tone. Still ...

Consider one of my all time favorite ASS/M writers, Richard Rivers. His early stories were pretty good. Fairly solid writing, a mesmerizing tone. But you could tell he was a little sloppy sometimes, and for no good reason. Once he started paying attention to every detail his stories improved.

So let's look at one of these points:

2. Her face dissolved into my mind, as it compared and contrasted her with what was lost.

It seems that her face is doing this comparison. Disorienting.<

I'm not complaining about the image I think you intend; I'm complaining about the structure of the sentence. It causes me some confusion. Surely there must be a better way to say this without interfering with the tone. I don't know. I'd never let it stand. The sentence feels so awkward and complicated. It feels wrong to me. But maybe this is just me. It's something you've got to decide. If you think it's right, then you certainly should leave it as is.

- Mat Twassel

Mat's Erotic Calendar at http://calendar.atEros.com

From: Desdmona
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 12:25:29 -0400

Fish tank(no sex)
by Qickless at qickless@fastmail.fm

I'm not even going to apologize for being so late with my comments on this story. I had the advantage of not knowing about the anniversary that was being planned when I read this story. I think of it as an advantage because - I won't lie - I was sweetly flattered. A story about the FishTank, and a character named after me, I mean, what can I say, I loved it! OK, so some of the sweetness dulled when I found out Qickless was merely writing with a set of rules in mind, so I decided to wait awhile, read the story later, and see if the burst of flattery I experienced jaded my opinion at all.

It hadn't.

I think this is a wonderful story. The pace and rhythm and mood couldn't be better. And if you only read it one time, you're hard-pressed to find anything at all that you might change.

Unfortunately, this forum is about digging deeper into stories, so occasionally you find things you might have missed. The couple of little squabbles I have are just minor squabbles, and in a so-so story wouldn't even be worth mentioning, but there's the rub - when you right a magnificent story - the average things stick out simply because they don't match the brilliance of everything else. (I have the same thought about another FishTank entry ...but that's another post)

OK, here goes: (Oh, and I tend to think the things I'm about to mention have a lot to do with English not being a first language)

" ...the veins in my hands still clenched onto the remote." Well, veins don't clench or hold, they bulge with clenching or holding tight. (CAn't help noticing this, a career in nursing, ya know,)

"I looked out at the summer sky, the blinds starting to heat up ..." I'm not sure what blinds starting to heat up means. I kind of think it might mean that blurriness that comes from rising heat. This might work well if a little further developed because the next part of the sentence is, " ...the settled sense of loss struggling to overpower me." A sort of blurriness of the lines - who or what is in control? I'm not sure.

And finally, "It was no use going with her to the shop ..." I think it might be clearer to say, "It was no use taking her to the shop ..." Unless I'm not seeing some other hidden meaning.

I think grief is summed up beautifully in this one statement, "One year, and the pain changes its poignancy into fragments inside you, shattering when you least want it to." It made me cry. Anyone that experiences grief can relate. And I did.

It's a remarkable story. If people clamor for more sex, I think it could be added, or at least hints of it, but I think in doing so, you might do an injustice to the tone of what is written. All romantic stories don't have to include sex. Sometimes other passions can be raised that touch the soul in a different way. This story does that for me.

Thanks again, Qickless! You have me hooked as a devoted fan, waiting to read what else you might write.

Des

From: Souvie
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 14:22:33 -0400

On Mon, 10 Jun 2002 08:55:56 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:

The following is the 42nd submission. (Won't it be grand when we reach fifty?) It's a short story at 1,723 words. FishTank guidelines apply:

1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement

Again, sorry I'm late!

Positive: The surreal feeling of the story. At least that's the way it seemed to me at times.

Positive: The ending. I like stories that don't end the way I think they will.

Negative: Some punctuation and spelling errors.

- Souvie

From: Qickless
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 30 Jun 2002 05:21:17 -0700

mmtwassel@aol.com (mat twassel) wrote in message

Quite so. Tone and imagery do seem to go together. I'm not sure I'm complaining about the heart of these images as I am about some slip in presentation. I know this isn't a perfect analogy, but consider the performance of a piece of piano music. Many regard Artur Schnabel as a wonderful interpretor of the Beethoven sonatas, and I agree. He has a feel for the music, and it comes through. But sometimes his fingers are not up to the passages - they don't fully match his vision, and he plays a few wrong notes. Now maybe this adds to the humanity of the piece, but I don't think Schnabel's intent was to hit wrong notes. It's a flaw, one we can ignore, or one we can say adds to the humanity, or whatever we want, but what we'd prefer (I think) is that he'd have been able to match his vision AND get the notes right. If you don't like Schnabel feel free to substitute Horowitz or Geseking or Cortot, all of whom were wonderful pianists. They all slipped sometimes. In short, it's not the tone, it the technical execution, and I wouldn't have Horowitz less passionate for the sake of a few "right" notes, nor would I want you to change your writing if it were to interfere with the images, the tone. Still ...

Consider one of my all time favorite ASS/M writers, Richard Rivers. His early stories were pretty good. Fairly solid writing, a mesmerizing tone. But you could tell he was a little sloppy sometimes, and for no good reason. Once he started paying attention to every detail his stories improved.

So let's look at one of these points:

2. Her face dissolved into my mind, as it compared and contrasted her with what was lost.

It seems that her face is doing this comparison. Disorienting.<

I'm not complaining about the image I think you intend; I'm complaining about the structure of the sentence. It causes me some confusion. Surely there must be a better way to say this without interfering with the tone. I don't know. I'd never let it stand. The sentence feels so awkward and complicated. It feels wrong to me. But maybe this is just me. It's something you've got to decide. If you think it's right, then you certainly should leave it as is.

You're completely right here, in fact, you are so right that I cannot argue on anything that you've said. I do tend to be very sloppy, and sometimes my fingers itch when I can't get the right words to express what I mean. I hope I'll get better with my stories. And with people like you here, I think I will. Thank you very much.

From: Qickless
Re: Fish Tank, by Qickless
Date: 30 Jun 2002 05:28:03 -0700

I'll apologize for the delay in the reply - my net connection went puff the last few days, and I only got that back yesterday.

"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message

OK, here goes: (Oh, and I tend to think the things I'm about to mention have a lot to do with English not being a first language)

" ...the veins in my hands still clenched onto the remote." Well, veins don't clench or hold, they bulge with clenching or holding tight. (CAn't help noticing this, a career in nursing, ya know,)

<g> Sure I'll change that.

"I looked out at the summer sky, the blinds starting to heat up ..." I'm not sure what blinds starting to heat up means. I kind of think it might mean that blurriness that comes from rising heat. This might work well if a little further developed because the next part of the sentence is, " ...the settled sense of loss struggling to overpower me." A sort of blurriness of the lines - who or what is in control? I'm not sure.

Blurriness was the intent, but perhaps it was too much here. The man tends to jump between delusions and reality.

And finally, "It was no use going with her to the shop ..." I think it might be clearer to say, "It was no use taking her to the shop ..." Unless I'm not seeing some other hidden meaning.

True.

Thanks again, Qickless! You have me hooked as a devoted fan, waiting to read what else you might write.

Thank you. Your stories are about the best romances that I've read here, so I'm very very flattered.

Comments on Fish Tank, by Qickless.

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