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From: cmsix
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2003 18:41:47 GMT
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:v51p3r6l449l3e@news.supernews.com ...
The following contribution consists of two stories with a combined total word count of 3,681 words. In the author's words:
The first part of this story (Chocolate Knights) was written and submitted for the Virago Blue Challenge. The latter part (Chocolate Daze) is the promised follow-up.
ALL the stories of the Chocolate Couple start with the same words.(Jeanine said, "'Somebody needs to go to the store.'") It's a trademark of sorts. This is not negotiable.
There's a picture that goes with "Chocolate Knights" at http://www.asstr.org/~gary/images/CK.jpg. (I suppose it goes with "Daze" as well.
FishTank Guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
FishTank stories and comments are stored at: http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/FishTank
Well I don't have a muse so it can't have a sockpuppet so I'll just break the rules myself. I'm not good enough to tell you anything that would make this better except more of it. I loved it.
I can at least point out two things that I especially enjoyed seeing; pistoning, and so forth.
cmsix
From: john
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: 17 Feb 2003 19:38:13 -0800
The "plot" seems simple: A woman inadvertently becomes a sub during sex. It doesn't seem to be significant that she'd initiated a plan to participate in some light bondage that same evening. (But it's interesting.) A comedy? Yes. There's lots of syzygy. Conflict? Not the alcohol. That seems to have provided the very "ropes" that she was craving. Maybe whether or not the POV character (and thus the reader) will learn the plot? A pleasant tease, but unimportant to the action. I have the feeling that I don't quite get it.
I sense it's more a tribute than a story. There are delightful bits of adoration that flow both ways between the characters, like lover's subtle gropings, their silent worship of each other. ( Not just when he's drunk.) Maybe that's the reason (I didn't intend to get .all psychological) why they shy away from conflict. Start, but never focus on a problem. They both want the same thing from the beginning. They get it. And the most colossal potential impediments (outrageous costumes, a party, intoxication to the point of memory loss) all help achieve the end. Why is that believable? Because internally Jeanine and "I" are one.
I felt, however, that the author senses there ought to be just something more. So there's a nag, bit of who's idea was it, how awful, did I really do all those things that brought you so much pleasure. That those things are there isn't so much a problem since that's the kind of conflict couples love. But it's, none of it, a substitute for some real impediment to the ending. As it stands, the wordiness (starting with "repeated back") derives not from lack of skill at writing, but from lack of focus in the tale. It wants to be an ode and story both. Maybe it is, for others.
Regardless, it was apropos. It was light and sweet and very palatable. Yummmm.
John
From: Alexis Siefert
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: 21 Feb 2003 08:08:19 GMT
Well, my turn.
First, let it be said that, yes, I did a preliminary edit on part of this story, but not on the entire thing (I didn't touch Chocolate Knights) and I went through Daze with a wide-tooth (rather than a fine-tooth) comb. There. Thus endeth the disclaimer :-)
Now to the good stuff. I don't want to steal someone's thunder (and I'm sure that she'll steal it right back), but I truly adore Gary's Chocolate Couple. They've got their problems and issues, but they're real and romantic and in love and they make me think that it might just be possible, after all, this confusing thing between men and women. They're not sappy hearts-and-flowers and running through fields of wildflowers. And they're consistent. From story to story you know them both and they can be counted upon. I think this has been mentioned already (by Uther?), so I won't make it count as one of my positive comments.
Some specifics then.
Gary, you've got a sense of humor that, well, sometimes defies description. I've been victim to long conversations of quick riposte and horrid puns, and you've got a conversational style of writing that is, normally, relaxed and natural and easy. It's part of why your Chocolate Couple is so comfortable. But it's not quite here in this selection. Much of the narrative seems forced, a bit contrived. Fex, "Ghirardelli will make her talk, and then I'll share it with you." This sudden and direct address to the audience? I realize this is a narrative, but as a reader I'm much more comfortable with the Fourth Wall intact. End it with, "make her talk." That leaves us knowing that the rest of the story is coming, without pulling us out of the fantasy of seeing into their kitchen, living room, and bedroom. I know a bit of the way this story developed, and it's still apparent that it wasn't originally written as a heavy-dialogue story. Some of it comes across as 'forced'. Fex -
"I confess I felt a wave of affection for you at that point. You stood there with a nearly empty drink, gazing at me with such adoration. You aren't like Kelly's husband, who gets loud and obnoxious, or Patty's ex-boyfriend, who starts hitting on other women. When you get tipsy, when the barriers go down, you let me know quietly the depth of your love."
It's a marvelous sentiment, but it doesn't seem like something Jeanine would actually say.
I don't know how I'm doing with my 2 and 2 checklist. So I'll talk about the sex, but just briefly. It is - like so many things about this couple - something that 'feels' right. It's comfortable and familiar and wonderful because it's not a Big Deal. They love each other and so they can give themselves completely to each other. No one is out to play power games to be in charge, they belong together. It's a good thing here, Gary. Thank you for giving them to us.
Alexis.
"You must have a key made!"
"It won't do any good, I just lose them all"
- - - Audrey Hepburn, "Breakfast at Tiffany's"
http://www.asstr.org/~Alexis_S/
The Web's Best Illustrated Adult Fiction is at http://www.ruthiesclub.com/
From: Desdmona
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2003 20:49:44 -0500
Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze ((MF, rom, cons, oral, anal, light bondage, wl)
By Gary Jordan (PJcocoa@aol.com)
GAry~
As usual, I love this couple. Having read all their stories, they're like friends. It's hard for me to judge how these two tales would stand alone, because I know the couple so well. But I believe the stories can stand alone. Their loving relationship is just as much a part of these two stories as all the others, and a reader will like them right away. These stories prove over and over that married couples can be hot and sexy and loving. The other thing I really like is the addition of the recipe. Katie had a great idea with adding recipes to these stories. I happened to read a story not long ago where the heroine opened up an Italian restaurant using her family recipes. Every chapter began with one of these recipes, and the family member was usually in that chapter in some way. It's just a cool idea.
The one part of the story where I was distracted is in Chocolate Knights where the costumes are being described. I think I would have been satisfied with just:
" ...stood modeling what appeared to be a can of Chili with a well-known blue label. Adorning the label was the yellow band ending in a trade-marked star. (Can you picture it? We were going as Knights in Armour.) The only difference I noted was that hers said, "Chili without Beans" and mine was "with Beans".
When the description starts to get more specific, it's harder to picture, whereas if you just said something like, "The costumes were elaborate with zippers, hoola-hoops, and plastic." The reader can imagine the intricacies all on their own.
My other suggestion is a radical one. I found myself agreeing completely with Alexis about some of the dialogue in this story and it hit me, the reason is because this story is really told from Jeanine's POV. She has to tell the reader and her husband what happened. So why not just do it? Let Jeanine tell the story. In the example that Alexis pointed out Jeanine could think about how adorable her husband is when he's drunk compared to some of the other men without really having to say it aloud. Or she could do half and half - think about how the other men get loud and obnoxious, then tell her husband how cute he is.
Thanks again, Gary, for sharing this couple with us. They're fabulous!
Des
From: Alexis Siefert
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: 22 Feb 2003 05:56:23 GMT
From: "Desdmona" me@desdmona.com
<snipping>
this story is really told from Jeanine's POV. She has to tell the reader and her husband what happened. So why not just do it? Let Jeanine tell the story.
That's an excellent suggestion, Des. It's different from the rest of the series, told from the POV of the as-yet-unnamed husband, and I think that because it's not been done that way, I didn't think of it as an option. But I like it. Keep it in the 1st person (I know that Gary first tried this more 3rd person, which is why the dialogue isn't exactly natural), but switching from 1st (husband) to 1st (Jeanine) would most likely solve some of the problems with tone and flow.
Alexis.,
From: Tesseract
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: 22 Feb 2003 23:30:22 -0800
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<v51p3r6l449l3e@news.supernews.com> ...
The following contribution consists of two stories with a combined total word count of 3,681 words. In the author's words:
The first part of this story (Chocolate Knights) was written and submitted for the Virago Blue Challenge. The latter part (Chocolate Daze) is the promised follow-up.
ALL the stories of the Chocolate Couple start with the same words.(Jeanine said, "'Somebody needs to go to the store.'") It's a trademark of sorts. This is not negotiable.
There's a picture that goes with "Chocolate Knights" at http://www.asstr.org/~gary/images/CK.jpg. (I suppose it goes with "Daze" as well.
************************************************************* Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze ((MF, rom, cons, oral, anal, light bondage, wl)
By Gary Jordan (PJcocoa@aol.com)
Preliminary Edit by Alexis Siefert
Copyright © 2002, 2003
The two stories work well together, the second answering what the first left hanging.
I haven't read other stories about your chocolate couple but I got a good sense of your characters. You provide enough information just as needed, mostly about personality, to help us understand the characters but not get bogged down in detailed descriptions about them.
Armour is not a well known brand to me. The jpegs helped but the story should be written assuming the reader has never heard the Armour brandname.
I can't resist pointing out one spelling mistake.
I did not take into account how much my scents of humor had corrupted my lovely mate.
If Stasya wrote it he might have meant it, but I think you want to use 'sense'.
Overall it is an enjoyable, easy to read story.
Tesseract
From: dennyw
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sun, 23 Feb 2003 04:26:04 -0800
On 22 Feb 2003 23:30:22 -0800, HyperTesseract@hotmail.com (Tesseract) wrote:
I did not take into account how much my scents of humor had corrupted my lovely mate.
If Stasya wrote it he might have meant it, but I think you want to use 'sense'.
Gary uses that deliberate misspelling frequently. I think because some of his puns stink to high heaven ...
-denny (curmudgeon)
"I'm full of good answers - sometimes it's the question that's wrong." Miss Behavin'
From: Souvie
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2003 04:26:15 GMT
On Mon, 17 Feb 2003 08:32:23 -0500, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
FishTank Guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
I'm so woefully behind in commenting on this FT story, there's hardly any hope at all of me not repeating. <sigh> Ah well, such is real life.
Positive: I'm glad Gary wrote a follow up to Chocolate Knights. Very very glad.
Positive: I like the way Jeanine teases him by telling bits and pieces of the story at a time. Keeps him on the edge of his seat, and adds to our suspense as readers.
Improvement: My only suggestion would be to echo what others have said: have Chocolate Daze told from first person pov, Jeanine's perspective. :)
- Souvie
From: Uther Pendragon
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: 20 Feb 2003 01:09:02 -0700
BTW: I added a space before the "FT" for this reply. I found this post hard to find.
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> writes:
FishTank Guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
I suppose that "I like chocolate-couple stories" is insufficiently precise to count as one of these. So,
A) The opening drops us immediately into what is credibly an ongoing relationship. We don't have all the explanation which encumbers the openings of some authors; we don't have the feeling that these people don't exist outside of the story that we get from other authors.
B) Real life has loads of intentions which don't get actualized. These stories - especially the second - have enough of them. We don't have one person deciding hat is going to happen and then doing it; we don't have two people with but a single thought (although that can happen when the thought is simple enough). We have two people with separate plans, neither of which is totally fulfilled, although a pleasant time is had by both.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
These are going to e minor. I think the story works.
A) I'd have punctuated the first sentence: Jeanine said, "'Somebody needs to go to the store'?" (I'm not adding another set of quotes.)
As near as I can tell, that is what is meant. If you are going to say "not really a question," it has to start out looking like a question.
B) I had a hard time believing that she could get into the costume by herself but not out of it by herself. And there was a slight suspension-of-disbelief point when she drove home with a drunk husband and an irremovable costume. Why not have one of the other women at the party remove some of it?
3) Try not to repeat!
Uther Pendragon FAQs http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c anon584c@nyx.net fiqshn http://www.asstr.org/~Uther_Pendragon
From: Desdmona
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 2003 11:02:19 -0500
"Uther Pendragon" <anon584c@nyx.net> wrote in message news:1045728542.553939@irys.nyx.net ...
BTW: I added a space before the "FT" for this reply. I found this post hard to find.
My apologies Uther. I was trying to conserve space and squeezed it together intentionally to assure title and author's name would fit. It's a delicate balance to get the title, which has to be there for identification purposes, and the author's name, which has been requested by other participants, in the subject line.
Des
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: 10 Mar 2003 20:58:30 GMT
I swear I posted this on the heals of Souvie['s comments on February 25th. Really! But it doesn't appear in google, nor at the FT Website, so I have to beg your indulgence and post again.
I apologize for the delay. It's been a rather emotional week. Overwhelming. Too many kind words to deal with, for one thing, including those said here. The blushometer is broken. Forgive me if I skip the positives - just know that I appreciate and treasure them.
Hi, Uther!
Thank you for the very kind words regarding the appropriateness or inappropriateness of backstory. Some is necessary, but unless it directly pertains to the story at hand, it just encumbers. "Real life has loads of intentions which don't get actualized." I think of it as "No plan survives contact with action."
You'd have punctuated the first sentence: Jeanine said, "'Somebody needs to go to the store'?" I think I will, too. You're right, in that she's quasi-questioning his use of their code phrase for bondage.
You questioned her ability to put the costume on alone. She didn't - The bottom hula-hoop wasn't inserted until they arrived at the party. I guess that needs clarification, particularly that he inserted it. Until that hoop was inserted, there was sufficient slack in the costume to reach the zipper that joined the "bottom of the can" to the cylindrical part.
You're right that she could have gone back inside and gotten help with her hoops, but by then he was in the car. Bad judgement? It was cold? She was in a hurry? She underestimated the inconvenience?
Do I need to address this when she tells what happened?
Hi Katie!
Did you try the recipe? Sinful, aren't they?
I won't repeat your positives - suffice to say I was smiling and blushing. Thank you!
For the improvements, you pointed out the awkwardness of the second paragraph. You're right. It's unnecessarily convoluted. The reader needs to know that "Somebody needs to go to the store" is a phrase they reserve for initiating bondage games. That Jeanine is always the initiater might be unnecessary - after all, there's also a time constraint, and she's just getting over morning sickness. I'll simplify, and avoid unnecessary embellishment.
Too many ellipses. You're right. I'll definitely fix that. Thanks for the guidelines.
"BTW I noticed that this was in the story test which I assume relates to the editing process: [AS3]"
Ummm. "Oops." (Third of seventy corrections.)
"As an aside, there is a mystery series where the author relies on her gourmet cooking knowledge to make recipes a part of the story and possibly part of the solution to the mystery. Why don't you see if you can include a recipe in a story in this series that fits within the story in some logical way? Might be fun."
Right!! JoAnna Carl, author of "The Chocolate Cat Caper" and "The Chocolate Bear Burglary." (I think there's also some woman named Davidson who does something similar, except she only wrote one mystery with chocolate in the title. "Dying For Chocolate" or something like that.)
Hi, cmsix. Thanks. I put in the pistoning just for you, and so forth.
Hi, John!
"The 'plot' seems simple: A woman inadvertently becomes a sub during sex. It doesn't seem to be significant that she'd initiated a plan to participate in some light bondage that same evening. (But it's interesting.)"
The plot is even more basic and mundane: "The best-laid plans ..."
"A comedy? Yes. There's lots of syzygy."
A comedy? No. A light romance with comedic moments.
"Conflict? Not the alcohol. That seems to have provided the very 'ropes' that she was craving. Maybe whether or not the POV character (and thus the reader) will learn the plot? A pleasant tease, but unimportant to the action. I have the feeling that I don't quite get it."
All the conflict is in the POV character's head. Does he want to know what happened? Yes, then maybe not, but finally yes. Then when she relates the details, he has conflicting emotions.
"I sense it's more a tribute than a story. There are delightful bits of adoration that flow both ways between the characters, like lover's subtle gropings, their silent worship of each other. ( Not just when he's drunk.) Maybe that's the reason (I didn't intend to get .all psychological) why they shy away from conflict. Start, but never focus on a problem. They both want the same thing from the beginning. They get it. And the most colossal potential impediments (outrageous costumes, a party, intoxication to the point of memory loss) all help achieve the end. Why is that believable? Because internally Jeanine and 'I' are one."
Real relationships are not mapped by their conflicts, but by their compromises, by their shared experiences and memories. There are conflicts, but those were not the focus of these stories. He didn't get what he wanted, although in his drunken adoration he may have exceeded his goals. But he doesn't remember it. Hearing it second hand from Jeanine is not the same as living it.
"I felt, however, that the author senses there ought to be just something more. So there's a nag, bit of who's idea was it, how awful, did I really do all those things that brought you so much pleasure. That those things are there isn't so much a problem since that's the kind of conflict couples love. But it's, none of it, a substitute for some real impediment to the ending. As it stands, the wordiness (starting with "repeated back") derives not from lack of skill at writing, but from lack of focus in the tale. It wants to be an ode and story both. Maybe it is, for others."
Ouch! I'm reading that it needs to be less wordy, perhaps cutting out the repeats. That it needs more focus on some conflict. I'll look at the repitition. I think I'll keep the conflict at the emotional level.
"Regardless, it was apropos. It was light and sweet and very palatable. Yummmm."
THAT was the goal. Thanks, John.
Hi, Alexis!
First, let me confirm your disclaimer. I only asked for a preliminary edit on Daze. Knights had been around for a while.
You're right about the dialogue in this one. It's the main reason I dipped the stories in the tank.
Your first example is one I didn't even consider, but you've nailed it.
Ghirardelli will make her talk.
[Author's note: When she does, I'll share it with you.]
That way it's from me, and not from him, which would be out of character. With the stories combined, the author's note is superfluous, and can be deleted.
"I know a bit of the way this story developed, and it's still apparent that it wasn't originally written as a heavy-dialogue story. Some of it comes across as 'forced'. Fex - "
"I confess I felt a wave of affection for you at that point. You stood there with a nearly empty drink, gazing at me with such adoration. You aren't like Kelly's husband, who gets loud and obnoxious, or Patty's ex- boyfriend, who starts hitting on other women. When you get tipsy, when the barriers go down, you let me know quietly the depth of your love."
"It's a marvelous sentiment, but it doesn't seem like something Jeanine would actually say."
Nodnodnod. For one thing, she'd more likely say "You get all gooey, like a Snickers in June. Sweet and mushy. I love that about you." She probably wouldn't compare him to specific drunks. But as you know, what she did say was a conversion from a third-person omnivorous POV. A bad conversion. Of bad narrative. I'll have to get some help from my editors.
Many thanks, Alexis. Both for the earlier once-over and for the public comments.
Hi, DEs! (hehhehheh)
I glad you liked the recipe. (Has anyone tried it? I know Alexis added cocoa to a different batch of cookies, borrowing the idea. Besides, someone had snacked on her chocolate chips, reducing the number available for cookies.)
<snip the good stuff, blushing.>
"The one part of the story where I was distracted is in Chocolate Knights where the costumes are being described. I think I would have been satisfied with just:"
" ...stood modeling what appeared to be a can of Chili with a well-known blue label. Adorning the label was the yellow band ending in a trade-marked star. (Can you picture it? We were going as Knights in Armour.) The only difference I noted was that hers said, "Chili without Beans" and mine was "with Beans".
"When the description starts to get more specific, it's harder to picture, whereas if you just said something like, 'The costumes were elaborate with zippers, hoola-hoops, and plastic.' The reader can imagine the intricacies all on their own."
You're right, as usual. I'll edit that. The only details needed are those that explain the difficulty in removal, or at least a statement of difficulty.
"My other suggestion is a radical one. I found myself agreeing completely with Alexis about some of the dialogue in this story and it hit me, the reason is because this story is really told from Jeanine's POV. She has to tell the reader and her husband what happened. So why not just do it? Let Jeanine tell the story. In the example that Alexis pointed out Jeanine could think about how adorable her husband is when he's drunk compared to some of the other men without really having to say it aloud. Or she could do half and half - think about how the other men get loud and obnoxious, then tell her husband how cute he is."
That is radical! I never considered letting Jeanine tell it first-person. Other authors do it. Perhaps I should try. Of course, I'd have to let Mike's name slip. She can't keep calling him sweety or darling all the time. Maybe two rewrites, one from her POV and one from his.
Thanks Des. Comments like yours are waht keeps me writing.
Hi again, Alexis!
"That's an excellent suggestion, Des. It's different from the rest of the series, told from the POV of the as-yet-unnamed husband, and I think that because it's not been done that way, I didn't think of it as an option. But I like it. Keep it in the 1st person (I know that Gary first tried this more 3rd person, which is why the dialogue isn't exactly natural), but switching from 1st (husband) to 1st (Jeanine) would most likely solve some of the problems with tone and flow."
Okay, I'm almost convinced.
Hi Tesseract!
"Armour is not a well known brand to me. The jpegs helped but the story should be written assuming the reader has never heard the Armour brandname."
Whoosh! There goes the punchline of the first story. Like any cultural reference, this one nails the story to the US. I recognize that, but the couple are Americans, and Armour is a fairly well-known company. Without that company name, their costumes aren't nearly as effective WRT the theme of the party (and the story's peripheral applicability to the Virago Blue Challenge.)
"I can't resist pointing out one spelling mistake."
I did not take into account how much my scents of humor had corrupted my lovely mate.
No mistake. I'll wrap it in quotes to make that more obvious.
Hi Denny!
"Gary uses that deliberate misspelling frequently. I think because some of his puns stink to high heaven ..."
<VBG>
Thanks, Denny! Coming from you, that's hype raze.
Hi, Souvie!
"Improvement: My only suggestion would be to echo what others have said: have Chocolate Daze told from first person pov, Jeanine's perspective. :)"
What's that saying?
1 is an opinion.
2 is a conspiracy.
3 is a movement.
I guess I should examine Jeanine's POV.
Thanks, Souvie!
Hi, Cain!
"Gary, I'm sorry this is late, but I want to contribute anyway."
As late as my response is, you're in plenty of time. :)
"I'll start by saying I'm not a big fan of expository dialogue, which often strikes me as unnatural and overly mannered (I'm thinking of the monologues at the end of mysteries, where the sleuth recounts the crime before the assembled complaisant suspects). Reading with that bias, some of the language nettled me; really, 'nettled' is too strong a word, but a couple times suspicious-me found myself asking things like, 'Do women really use the word 'pistoning'?' But I need to reread a couple of the Chocolate stories, because your dialogue is probably consistent for their characters - they are your creations, after all."
The ladies have pretty much convinced me that the exposition can be dealt with by making "Daze" Jeanine's story. Jeanine relates the tale from her POV, and we see her take on his reactions. Still, it's that type of story, whoever relates it. She's telling what happened.
As for "pistoning," cmsix said some nice things about me and I thought it was time to reciprocate.
<snip nice words. Thanks!>
"One last thing, this sentence took me a few tries: 'That brought me from smug to merely grinning, and chagrinned, to boot.'"
Did I write that? That one's gotta be revised, or put out of our misery. When she watches his face, the play of emotions will be better described.
Thanks, Cain!
Gary Jordan
"Old submariners never die; they just wallow in sunken tubs."
<I>"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays </I>
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: 10 Mar 2003 21:19:43 GMT
I "re"posted that:
I swear I posted this on the heals of Souvie['s comments on February 25th. Really! But it doesn't appear in google, nor at the FT Website, so I have to beg your indulgence and post again.
...so I could post this:
Chocolate Knights
and Chocolate Daze
By Gary Jordan
Partially edited by Alexis Siefert
Copyright © 2002, 2003
The "Knights" portion of this story was originally submitted as an entry to the Virago Blue Challenge as a flash story (under 1000 words). It contained no sex, but maintained continuity with the rest of the "Chocolate Morsels Universe." A follow-up was always intended.
"Daze" is that follow-up. I wasn't happy with it. I decided to submit it to a jury of my peers, in the best forum for improvement in the alt.sex.stories community: The Fish Tank. I think that was a very good decision. No story which entered the tank failed to be improved, and following The Fish Tank, whether it was my story or another author's has helped all of my writing. These amazing people helped:
Uther Pendragon, Katie McN, cmsix, John, Alexis Siefert, Desdmona, Tesseract, Souvie, Cain and Denny
What follows is the post-immersion version of the combined stories, so you can see and judge the progress.
Chocolate Knights
Jeanine said, "'Somebody needs to go to the store'?"
The code words, repeated back but made into a question by raised eyebrow, cocked head and hand on hip, made me feel foolish. I still nodded to confirm that she's heard correctly. After all, why should she be the only one who ever initiated our games? We both enjoyed the play. I mean, really! Light bondage was originally my idea, so why shouldn't I be the one to request it?
Jeanine looked as though she were considering it. Since the day she lost a wager and agreed to my repeated request to at least try it, she had always been the one to call for the ropes and cuffs. I had no complaints - a coin toss decided who was wearing the restraints - but it had been a while.
Okay, okay. Morning sickness does tend to throw a monkey wrench into games that restrict movement, and dampen the mood besides. But it had been weeks - at least one, anyway - since she had experienced her unpredictable bouts of nausea. And we had hours before the costume party.
She smiled that starburst smile and I knew I wasn't wrong.
But I wasn't necessarily right, either. "After the party, if you're still up to it," she said.
Even better. I had a little scenario in mind that would be in keeping with the party theme, which (if I haven't mentioned it) was "Knights in Armor." It didn't matter who won the toss, my fantasy would work either way.
Of course, I hadn't seen the costumes yet. Jeanine had worked on them in secrecy rivalling the Forbin Project. I didn't have any idea if I would be dressed as a knight or a "faire damselle," or maybe as Jeanine's squire. I was sure I could make any of these work in the fantasy.
I did not take into account how much my "scents" of humor had corrupted my lovely mate.
After a light meal, it was time to dress for the party. I did the dishes while Jeanine laid out the costumes and put hers on. Then it was my turn. Walking down the hallway to the bedroom, I felt a growing sense of anticipation. I'd get to see these "award winning" costumes (Jeanine assured me) for the first time, and see Jeanine in hers. Would she be an armored knight? A damsel in distress? The queen who bestows her favors on the knight?
I nearly stopped laughing when she kicked me lightly where I lay helpless on the floor. But wiping the tears from my eyes just allowed me to see her in her regalia again, and started another round.
She allowed me to calm myself, grinning the while. Her efforts had had the desired effect and she was justifiably proud of the results. "You like?" she asked.
I worked back to my knees and bowed forehead to floor, arms extended towards her. "I am not worthy, O Mistress!" I fawned and scraped before her superior display of punsmanship.
She bade me rise, and I got the full appreciation of her pun. How to describe our costumes ...
The theme was Knights in Armor. Jeanine stood modeling what appeared to be a can of Chili with a well-known lable. Adorning the label was a yellow band ending in a trade-marked star. (Can you picture it? We were going as Knights in Armour.) The only difference I noted was that hers said, "Chili without Beans" and mine was "with Beans". A pair of four-foot can openers completed the costume.
(http://www.asstr.org/~gary/images/CK.jpg)
I had to kiss her before I got dressed - we'd have a hard time getting that close, once I was in my can.
We won "Most Original Costume" and the prize was, appropriately enough, an electric can opener. Sometimes the Almighty has a strange sense of humor, too. Jeanine drove home - despite the best (or worst) of intentions for the remainder of that evening, I'm afraid I drank a bit too much.
Someday I'll get her to tell me what happened when we got home. I woke up the next afternoon pleasantly sore, and with plenty of dried evidence that somebody's fantasies were explored, but every time I ask, she get's a silly grin and clams up. Snickers and Mars Bars haven't worked as bribes, either.
I'm going to have to pull out the big guns. Ghiradeli will make her talk.
Chocolate Daze
"Jeanine," said somebody, "needs to go to the store."
I distinctly remember that much from the costume party, from before the point when alcohol made the rest of the details too fuzzy to recall. Details like who said it, or why Jeanine needed to go to the store. Jeanine wouldn't fill in the blanks, no matter how I wheedled, so I pulled out the big guns. Black Chocolate Chip Cookies with Ghirardelli Morsels. Those would make her talk.
"Out! Out of my kitchen until I'm done!" he said.
"I just want to sample the product for quality assurance purposes." I used my most reasonable tone, despite the fact that I wanted to slip by him in the worst way.
"You just want to sample until the cookie sheet is empty. Go sit in the living room. I'll bring you one fresh from the oven. Out!"
I stuck out my tongue. He did the same. Since our tongues were conveniently both out, they approached one another, and began to wrestle. Being nobody's fool, he placed his body between me and the cookies, and I found myself being wrestled out of the kitchen.
After a brief tussle in the doorway to the kitchen, I finally gave up, or so I let him think. I realized he was serious, and he just might let the next sheet burn rather than let me get to them first. I gave him my prettiest pout, tossed my hair and spun on my heel to stalk to the living room.
I got this recipe from a newsgroup, and modified it to suit Jeanine's preferences. The directions said the cookies should be left for a day to bring out the flavors fully. Maybe a third of them would make it to the next day - no way would Jeanine allow me to cache them all, not after filling the house with their smell.
I took the last of the cookies from the oven and put three on a plate . Then I filled a glass with milk and took it and the cookies to my impatiently waiting spouse. When it comes to fresh cookies, Jeanine was from the scorched tongue school.
Today was no exception. How someone can wince, grin, make "mmmmm" noises, and inhale cool air all at once is beyond me. She did, though, and followed the first burning bite with a swallow of milk. Such versatility. The next bite was dunked first, but the density of these cookies didn't allow for much milk absorption; she repeated the odd pain/pleasure pairings.
"So," I began, as she started the second cookie, "about the night of the party ..."
I laughed. "You think you can bribe me?" I broke off to moan in pleasure. Damn these cookies were good! "You think I can be bribed with a teensy plate of cookies?"
He nodded. "There's more where those came from, but, I won't make anymore until I know what happened."
I laughed, but it came out with that snort I hate. Damn, he'd know he had me. "Fine. I'll tell all, but it's more than a three-cookie story, so you'd better refill my milk and bring in a platter."
In seconds he had zipped to the kitchen, slid a couple dozen cookies onto a plate, and filled a large glass with milk. I couldn't help it. That swiftness in complying had me giggling. He settled in to hear the story.
"What's the last thing you remember?" I asked.
"I came back from putting our prize for 'Most Original Costume' in the trunk." It was an electric can opener. "Bill handed me another drink, and we got into a discussion of something important and I had a couple more." It was probably about women. "I wandered over to where you and the girls were gossiping in time to hear someone say you needed to go shopping. After that, it's pretty much a blur."
"That was Glenda. She was pointing out that not much of my wardrobe will fit much longer. I'll need maternity clothes." I grimaced. I might be a traitor to my gender, but I hate shopping. Not the shopping itself, it's the crowds. I have a fair number of suitable office outfits, all purchased at smaller shops away from the malls. Maybe Glenda and I could spend a day searching for maternity shops the same way.
"Anyway, I could see that you'd reached that silent grinning stage in your drinking, and I figured it was time to get you home."
I guess I got a far-away look in my eyes. He settled in to listen.
"I confess I felt a wave of affection for you at that point." He'd stood there with a nearly empty drink, gazing at me with such adoration. He isn't like Kelly's husband, who gets loud and obnoxious, or Patty's ex-boyfriend, who starts hitting on other women. When he gets tipsy, when the barriers go down, he lets me know quietly the depth of his love. As rarely as the drinking happens, how could I be angry? I looked at him now and he smiled. He could only blush. I continued.
"I made both our good-byes and steered you out to the car." I laughed the whole way at my friends' remarks. They teased about the obvious possessiveness and affection being displayed. I'd done most of the blushing, then.
"Getting into the car was a problem. The costumes were really designed for help in getting into or out of, and while I could help you, you were in no condition to help me." Just walking the block to where we'd parked while supporting an amorous husband was an adventure.
"I managed to remove the plastic hoops that gave your costume its can shape. You looked like a crumpled can of Armour Chili with Beans, gazing at me from the front seat. I couldn't resist kissing your nose.
"Unfortunately, I couldn't reach the slits where my own hoops could be extracted. With the hoops in place, I couldn't easily reach the zipper on the bottom surface of the "can" that would at least give me some flexibility in the costume. Remember? All during the party, we had to stand or perch on the arm of a chair or sofa." He nodded, I think, but I wasn't really looking.
"It took me a minute to adjust the driver's seat and tilt steering wheel to allow me to even sit in the car. The hoops wouldn't let me sit back, and the strain on the material was giving me a double wedgie." I'd thought about returning to the party for some help, but I didn't want to leave him, and didn't want to make that trip twice.
"By the end of the thirty-minute drive, I was feeling ... anxious." I was as randy as I can ever remember. "The stress of sitting awkwardly, driving with my arms held out to the side to reduce chaffing, and that ever-present pressure in my crotch was driving me to distraction." I could hardly wait to get inside and out of the damned costume. I decided to remove it with scissors, if I couldn't get him to help.
"I shook your shoulder, and you slowly returned to that dreamy state of adoration. You reached for me, and I pulled your arms to guide you from the car to the house.
"Once we were inside, I left a trail of turned-on lights guiding you to the bedroom. I figured I could go back and get them, once I'd gotten rid of the costume. I certainly didn't expect to leave them on all night. But then, I didn't expect you to -" I broke off, looking at him with a crooked smile.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" His expression was so delightful. It was equal parts apprehension and curiosity, with a dash of little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"I should have known better than to ask your help with a zipper while you were in that condition," I said. I let a sigh slip out.
"Couldn't I manage the zipper?" he asked in a small, anxious tone.
I laughed. Despite myself, I laughed that laugh, the one he claims reminds him of Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, the one with the cute little snort. On top of that, I was sipping milk at that particular moment; the results were a bit untidy.
He fetched a towel, and I wiped up the spilt milk. "Are you sure you want to hear the rest of this?" I asked. I was getting to the embarrassing parts. He'd call them "the good parts," but it would be my turn to blush.
I could see his head begin a nod, but his eyes clouded for a moment and the nod stopped. Oh, I knew it would return. His curiosity was fully engaged. Still, I appreciated that he was at least concerned and deliberate. He finally completed the motion.
I took pity on him. "Okay, the details aren't that bad. Just a little embarrassing maybe - to both of us. I would have told you anyway, but it was so much more fun to get you to 'bribe' me." I ate another cookie, offering him what he calls my "canary-fed cat grin."
"I've been had!" he said, semi-grinning.
"And you love it," I replied. "Anyway, I managed to get you into the bedroom and asked you to undo the zipper. You knelt in front of me and had no trouble at all with the zipper. None." I cleared my throat. "Then you yanked the bottom of the can, along with my tights and panties, down to the floor.
"That wouldn't have been a problem, but you grabbed the bottom hoop and stuck your head underneath. Still no problem, except I couldn't reach past the bottom hoop, and then your tongue started tickling my thighs apart."
He laughed. He couldn't help it, I could tell. I just looked at him with a tolerant smirk. "Sure, go ahead and laugh. I wanted that tongue where it wanted to go, just as much as it wanted to be there. Like I said earlier, I was feeling, um, anxious. But picture the situation. My panties, tights, and the bottom of the costume were bunched around my ankles. When I tried to spread my legs, I lost my balance. It's a good thing the bed was behind me." I paused to let that sink in.
He nodded and swallowed.
I let him off the hook again. "But it was, and I landed on my back, with my butt just barely on the edge. Naturally, you tried to follow. Moving forward meant you were kneeling on the clothing that was keeping my ankles together. But at least I could move my knees.
"Not that it did me any good. You were still holding on to the hoop. Your tongue was driving me insane, licking up my lips and spreading them, and never quite reaching my poor neglected little clitty, and I couldn't reach your head to direct you where I needed you! That was bad enough, but every now and then your nose would do the job, but not with any predictability. I was so close, I was crying.
"And then you shifted your attack."
I paused to dunk a cookie and eat it. He was on the edge of his seat in anticipation. I let my eyes unfocus for a moment, then locked on his. I swallowed, and grinned. If nothing else, I had his undivided attention.
"I was primed. I don't know how long you had worked on me, but it seemed like an hour. I think if you had breathed on me right I'd have gone off. But no-o-o. When you finally," I groaned for effect, "finally put my honey where your mouth is, you latched on like the littlest puppy on the hind tit."
It was his turn to smirk.
"I went away. Screaming awakened me, and it was a few moments before I realized it was me. And I couldn't stop. Every time I took a breath, I'd be gone again.
"That had to have happened at least six times that I sort of remember, but probably more. You've given me multiple orgasms before, but never quite so overwhelming or continuous." I scowled at him. "Of course, since you don't remember it, you probably can't ever duplicate it. More's the pity."
That wiped away his smirk. I watched his face go from smug to chagrinned, with various emotions along the way.
"As far as sexual repletion, I was satisfied. More than satisfied. I would have been happy just to roll over, even still in costume, and gone to sleep.
"But someone, while I was still quivering and trembling from the aftershocks, had managed to get his costume off. Well, except for the tights and underwear bunched around his left ankle which I had to remove the next morning. He had other ideas."
His eyes got wider.
"Before I completely caught my breath, I felt my legs being lifted. Then the mass around my ankles was behind your neck, and I could feel your cock poking around my pussy, looking for a home.
"If I'd had the breath to do it, I'd have begged you to stop, take a rain check, put the launch on hold. But it was too late. The eagle had landed."
Okay, so now it was a little embarrassing for him again. "I'm sorry." he said quietly. By now we were both blushing, though I realized that some of the heat in my face was from reliving the arousal.
"Don't be. I would have asked you to stop, but once you started pistoning, well ..." I got a goofy grin of my own. "Let's just say that since you were doing all the work, I decided to go along for the ride. Even if I was the ride at the time.
"It felt good. Really good. God knows there was plenty of lubrication and the most obscene squishy noises." We both giggled. "I'm afraid I got a case of the giggles then, too, which may have egged you on. Something egged you on, for sure. I finally got glimpses of the clock and you kept up the pace for at least fifteen minutes. I was close again, but beginning to worry about that lubrication, when you leaned forward."
He leaned forward, listening intently. Beads of sweat had broken out along his hairline and along my upper lip.
"You didn't change the pace, but with my knees closer to my chest, the new angle had you bouncing off my pelvis and that took me over. Gone again, and then again when I came back.
"You backed up, and my panties and so forth went with you. Despite my exhaustion, I took the opportunity to pull the costume up and off, over my head. I let it fall on the floor and rolled over to crawl to my side of the bed.
"I didn't make it."
"You didn't make it?"
I shook my head.
He put his head in his hands. In a small voice, he asked, "What did I do?"
"I had probably had a week's worth of orgasms, even if you picked the best week of our marriage. I had come over and over, non-stop at times, and the wet spot alone could have probably put out a forest fire. You, on the other hand were still sporting the woodie you'd started with. All that alcohol, no doubt." I grimaced, then leaned forward to whisper the next part.
"I was on my elbows and knees, trying to crawl away. You were behind me with a raging hard-on. What do you think happened next?"
He groaned into his hands. He peeked over his fingers. I nodded.
"I hadn't moved more than a foot or two, when I felt your weight on the bed. Then I felt your hands on my hips, followed by your knees inside my calves, and it didn't occur to me to be concerned or anything." I sighed.
He's a connoisseur of sighs. He believes sighs matter. I know he was shocked to hear, in that sigh, more wistfullness than anything else. It brought his face out of his hands in surprise.
What he saw was a lopsided grin and a deep blush. "Can you remember what it was you were drinking that night? I might want to buy a bottle or two."
He laughed. Guffawed. Carolled, even. He didn't tone it down to a titter until I pelted him with a cookie. I tried to look offended, but I couldn't carry it off.
"Oh, sure, you can laugh, but it might be a different story if I hadn't been able to reach the Astroglide."
That brought him up short. "Did I hurt you?"
"No, no! Look, I was completely relaxed, probably as relaxed as a conscious person can be without drugs." Hell, I was a dishrag at that point. "It was a miracle I made it to my knees, and I was about to collapse. And you were well lubricated, in more ways than one. You were inside in a single stroke, at least an inch, maybe two, and without that painful first push." I learned something about the importance of relaxing.
"In fact, you had begun to move before I managed to grab the lube. There was a little discomfort, but no actual pain, and you took the lube from me when I managed to roll my shoulders enough to pass it back. From there, it just got better. And better.
"There was nothing I could do to help. My arms had collapsed and my face was on my pillow. I could only moan. You were filling me and drawing back in long strokes. I desperately wanted to reach back and diddle myself, but I lacked the energy, and then I felt you reaching around and I knew I'd be fine.
"It was better than it has ever been, in my ass I mean. When you finally found the spot with your fingers, I almost passed out.
"You passed out first."
"I passed out?" he said, incredulous.
"You passed out. I had a second orgasm while you were in my ass and as I came down from it, we sort of tilted and rolled to our sides. I remember thinking, 'This is a new position,' but you weren't moving. You were still deep inside me, but you weren't moving. And then you started to snore."
"Oh, lord!"
"Yup. I thought about it for a few seconds. You still hadn't come, I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom, but it was too much trouble. So I went to sleep, too."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that. Sometime during the night, you softened and slid out.
"Daaaaaaamn!"
"So, now you know."
"Now I know."
"Can I fix you a drink?"
The End
The Cookie Recipe
3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter, softened
1 1/2 cups dark brown sugar, firmly packed
1 tablespoon dark molasses
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 ounce (1 square) unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled
2 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour (unbleached preferred)
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground mace
1 6-oz bag Ghirardelli Chocolate Morsels
Chill the chocolate morsels until needed. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Cover a cookie sheet with aluminum foil and grease it lightly. Using an electric mixer if possible, beat the butter, sugar, molasses, and vanilla together until light and fluffy. Add the melted chocolate, then beat in the eggs. Sift the remaining dry ingredients together to mix thoroughly and eliminate lumps. Gradually add to the butter mixture, until everything is completely combined. Stir in the entire bag of chilled chocolate morsels. Drop by scant teaspoonfuls onto the prepared cookie sheet, leaving room for the cookies to spread out. Bake for approximately 10 minutes; they will still be somewhat soft to the touch. Remove from the cookie sheet with a metal spatula and place on wire racks to cool. Repeat until all the dough is used up, replacing the aluminum foil (and re-greasing) as necessary. Cool completely, then store in an airtight container such as a large "zipper" freezer bag. The flavors will be more intense the following day.
This is a modification of a recipe provided by Ace Lightning ace.lightning@verizon.net
It's at http://www.asstr.org/~gary/GJ_Chocolate_Knights.htm Gary Jordan "Old submariners never die; they just wallow in sunken tubs."
<I>"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays </I>
From: Desdmona
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 13:22:55 -0500
"Gary Jordan" <pjcocoa@aol.come.to.bed> wrote in message news:20030310161943.26887.00000112@mb-fw.aol.com ...
Gary~
I like the rewrite. I think it reads a lot smoother coming from Jeanine's POV. Even though I understand what you're trying to do in the first couple of paragraphs of "Chocolate Daze" I can't help feeling it's confusing.
"Jeanine," said somebody, "needs to go to the store."
I distinctly remember that much from the costume party, from before the point when alcohol made the rest of the details too fuzzy to recall. Details like who said it, or why Jeanine needed to go to the store. Jeanine wouldn't fill in the blanks, no matter how I wheedled, so I pulled out the big guns. Black Chocolate Chip Cookies with Ghirardelli Morsels. Those would make her talk.
What if Jeanine begins the whole story.
Somebody needs to go to the store. That's the last thing he remembered. He'd been trying to wheedle the details of the rest of the evening out of me since waking up the next morning. Too bad the alcohol had fuzzied up the details. They were details worth remembering. The fun had only started at the costume party. It was what happened after the party that made me hold out for his big guns of persuasion - Black Chocolate Chip Cookies with Ghirardelli Morsels. He knew those would make me talk. He was tinkering in the kitchen and I couldn't resist getting in his way.
"Out! Out of my kitchen until I'm done!" he said.
"I just want to sample the product for quality assurance purposes." I used my most reasonable tone, despite the fact that I wanted to slip by him in the worst way.
I think something along these lines might work because the shift in POV is jolting, and because we never go back to his POV. So, (more work) I would suggest starting out the story as I've just suggested, or pop back into his POV on occasion. MY personal choice is one POV from beginning to end.
Really good story no matter whose POV it's in!
Des
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: 14 Mar 2003 03:43:53 GMT
Hi Des!
"Gary Jordan" <pjcocoa@aol.come.to.bed> wrote in message news:20030310161943.26887.00000112@mb-fw.aol.com ...
Gary~
I like the rewrite. I think it reads a lot smoother coming from Jeanine's POV. Even though I understand what you're trying to do in the first couple of paragraphs of "Chocolate Daze" I can't help feeling it's confusing.
"Jeanine," said somebody, "needs to go to the store."
I distinctly remember that much from the costume party, from before the point when alcohol made the rest of the details too fuzzy to recall. Details like who said it, or why Jeanine needed to go to the store. Jeanine wouldn't fill in the blanks, no matter how I wheedled, so I pulled out the big guns. Black Chocolate Chip Cookies with Ghirardelli Morsels. Those would make her talk.
What if Jeanine begins the whole story.
Somebody needs to go to the store. That's the last thing he remembered. He'd been trying to wheedle the details of the rest of the evening out of me since waking up the next morning. Too bad the alcohol had fuzzied up the details. They were details worth remembering. The fun had only started at the costume party. It was what happened after the party that made me hold out for his big guns of persuasion - Black Chocolate Chip Cookies with Ghirardelli Morsels. He knew those would make me talk. He was tinkering in the kitchen and I couldn't resist getting in his way.
"Out! Out of my kitchen until I'm done!" he said.
"I just want to sample the product for quality assurance purposes." I used my most reasonable tone, despite the fact that I wanted to slip by him in the worst way.
I think something along these lines might work because the shift in POV is jolting, and because we never go back to his POV. So, (more work) I would suggest starting out the story as I've just suggested, or pop back into his POV on occasion. MY personal choice is one POV from beginning to end.
I like your example, and I'll work on it. [Disclaimer: Des and I also discussed this post on ICQ.]
The next re-write will be all Jeanine. I admitted that I was initially afraid of writing from her POV. I didn't know if I knew her well enough. It turned out to be both easier and more difficult than I expected. Her character has been "speaking" to me all along.
There's no reason that a story in the Chocolate Morsels Universe (yup, that's what it says in the SHS Metatag) told from Jeanine's POV has to have the same signature line as those from his POV. I even realize that a signature line may get old after a while; a gimmick; a gag repeated too often.
The first section, and the cookie recipe section will be revised as well. Next stop, ASSM.
Really good story no matter whose POV it's in!
Thanks Des, and thanks to all the FT contributors to this and every FT thread!
Gary Jordan
"Old submariners never die; they just wallow in sunken tubs."
<I>"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays </I>
Note that all the comments archived here were culled from active discussions occuring in the Usenet newsgroup alt.sex.stories.d. If you want to contribute to the discussion, please join us in ASSD and say your piece. Everyone is welcome.
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From: Katie McN
Re: Chocolate Knights and Chocolate Daze, by Gary Jordan
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2003 16:21:18 GMT
Hi Gary and "Desdmona"!
<me@desdmona.com>,
On Mon, 17 Feb 2003 08:32:23 -0500 I noticed your interesting post:
[ ... ]
Thanks for sharing your story with us by putting it in the Fishtank. I also like the recipe and have the urge to make cookies this afternoon to see if it the results will be as good as I suspect. ;-)
There are plenty of good things to say about your story, but I'm limited to just two so I want to first mention that I really appreciate that you wrote a romantic story that was interesting and fun to read. If it was a film it would be a "Chick Flick". As part of this, you included role playing, games, sex and relationship information that fit smoothly into the story and added to the whole. In particular, I didn't get the impression that you forced a sex scene here and there because you "had to do it" given the genre, but found your use of sex as one more relationship element that was part of a complete story. This made for a nice read for me.
Your style of writing makes the characters easy to imagine. This is a critical factor for me. If I don't start seeing the characters almost from the beginning of the story I tend to lose interest and the read becomes work instead of pleasure. Your portrayal causes me to want to meet the characters and I think that I'd find them interesting in "real life" even though they are fictional. Your story brought me into the action and I always had the feeling that your were reporting on things that really happened even though I know you're writing fiction. This is the test of a good story in my opinion.
My two suggestions consist of an opinion and an examination of technique.
After your signature line, you start your story with this paragraph:
"Repeated back that way, not really a question, but made so by raised eyebrow, cocked head and hand on hip, it made me feel foolish. I still nodded to confirm that she's heard correctly. After all, why should she be the only one who ever initiated our games? We both knew the codewords. We both enjoyed the play. I mean, really! Light bondage was my idea, originally, so why shouldn't I be the one to request it?"
I feel an opening should force the reader to want to keep reading the story and suggest what to expect in the rest of the tale. I found this opening somewhat confusing and convoluted. I think it's a great idea to make the reader wonder about the back story. This is a good way to get him or her to want to find out more. However, this technique forces the reader to think and it is my opinion that having him or her sort out the meaning of the sentences as part of the process asks too much. I feel the paragraph needs to be simplified to provide better access to the rest of your story.
My technique suggestion is to ask you to question your use of the ellipsis. You have ten examples of this in your sort story. I feel the ellipsis should be rarely seen in a story. In a story the size of yours, ten uses seems excessive and may result in your reader wondering what he or she is missing. If you do decide to use the symbol to indicate missing information then according to The Columbia Guide to Standard English it should be done as follows:
"The ellipsis is the use of periods or other marks to indicate the omission of words in a quotation: "Better late than never, but ... ." Conventionally, use three periods within a sentence. When your ellipsis ends with the end of a phrase, clause, or sentence in the original, use four periods or three plus whatever mark ended the original.
"Use three points for the ellipsis and separate the ellipsis from preceding and following text with single spaces (but close-up to a quotation mark or a parenthesis/bracket).
"If ellipsis follows the end of a sentence, the three ellipsis-points may be preceded by the full point at the end of the preceding sentence. ('It went well. … then it was broken') If you do this, do so consistently. Ellipsis should not be followed by a full point.
"Usually ellipsis should not be used at the beginning and end of a quotation. The fact that it is a quotation indicates that it is extracted from a context of preceding and following text."
BTW I noticed that this was in the story test which I assume relates to the editing process:
[AS3]
As an aside, there is a mystery series where the author relies on her gourmet cooking knowledge to make recipes a part of the story and possibly part of the solution to the mystery. Why don't you see if you can include a recipe in a story in this series that fits within the story in some logical way? Might be fun.
Thanks again for sharing your delightful story. I enjoyed reading it and also thank you for the opportunity to participate in another valuable Fishtank.
It's Me! Katie McN
<katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com>
Read My Stories at:
www.katie-mcn.com