Blah blah standard disclaimers and exposition of rights blah blah.
h7n at yahoo dot com
I was lying on my bed of fern leaves and bear skins, half dozing, half looking at the cave wall where I would have put a television if televisions had been invented, when I heard rocks being pounded against each other at the cave entrance. Since doorbells hadn't yet been invented, this was the traditional way of alerting a cave-dweller that they had visitors.
I picked up a stone tablet onto which I had laboriously carved two similar-looking pictograms and went to the cave entrance. There were three cute young girls present. My first thought was 'Girl Scouts'. I tried to slam the door in their faces but doors hadn't been invented yet. The girls rolled their eyes in disbelief. My second thought was 'what a lot of beaver'. The girls couldn't be Girl Scouts because they weren't wearing green uniforms. Instead they were clad in beaver fur, actually not that much of it, leaving little of their pubescent figures to the imagination. I decided to check anyway.
"You're not Girl Scouts, are you?"
More synchronised eye rolling.
"Girls Scouts haven't been invented yet," scoffed the blonde with derision.
"Is he really this stupid?" the redhead asked her colleagues. They nodded.
"What's that you're carrying?" asked the brunette.
"It's a thesaurus, I just invented it," I replied proudly.
"That first symbol means 'find a mate and drag her back to the cave by the nostril hairs' and that second symbol means 'kill a medium sized dinosaur by stabbing it's pea-sized brain with a toothpick through its eyeball'," snorted the blonde.
"It could stand a bit of fine tuning," I confessed. "Anyway, what can I do for you?"
"We're from the Turtle Tribe, living by the lake," replied the redhead.
"Five years ago we discovered fire, since when we've been able to clear forest and plant crops at a much faster rate," added the brunette.
"But the carbon from all that tree burning caused global warming, we had a dry winter and the mountain streams dried up," declared the blonde.
"So all the wild animals came down to the lake to drink," expanded the redhead.
"And all of our fit young men were killed fighting off sabre-tooth tigers," elaborated the brunette.
"So the village elders decreed that all females should breed as quickly and often as possible to replenish the population," appended the blonde.
"But they were also worried about the size of the gene pool. They said that if we all bred from the same two or three males then the tribe would end up with inbreeding and congenital diseases like the European Royal Families will," continued the redhead.
"So as soon as we started bleeding, we were told to come up here and breed with you," added the brunette.
"The village elders said you never got any so you wouldn't have any nasty infections," imparted the blonde.
"Twice a week we're to climb this mountain and breed with you until we're in the family way," finished the redhead.
My one-eyed snake, already making its presence felt as I caught glimpses of upper thigh and budding breast curves through the scanty beaver skins, made a huge tent in the front of my bearskin at the prospect of seeing some action. Nookies with these proto-Girl Scouts -how could I afford it? I wondered if I could invent mortgages then mortgage my cave.
"I'm a hunter-gatherer. I subsist by killing and eating dinosaurs and collecting berries and nuts and roots. What's it worth?" I asked.
The girls looked at each other, this time with a little respect.
"See, nobody could possibly be as stupid as he was pretending," said the brunette to the others.
"Okay, here's the deal. We've experimented by crushing oats, mixing them into a paste with water and honey, and cooking them in the fire. We're thinking of calling them cookies. Every time we come, we'll bring a sackful for you. Here's one for you to sample," said the blonde, holding out a strange flat disc.
I took the cookie in my hand and tried to flex it. It broke into two. I bit off a piece and chewed it. It was excellent. I couldn't believe my luck, nookies with these proto-Girl Scouts and they'd pay me for it with these choice delicacies!
"When do we begin?" I asked, scarcely daring to believe my luck.
"We were hoping to begin today but we only brought the one cookie so we'll have to start when we come back in a few days," replied the blonde glumly, and the girls turned to leave.
I could see these proto-Girl Scouts walking out of my cave leaving me nookiless. I owed it to my one-eyed snake to stop that happening.
"Wait!" I almost shouted, "I've had a sample of what you have to offer so it's only fair that you have a sample of what I have to offer."
"Okay," said the brunette as the girls turned back, "What do you suggest?"
"I'll have a taste of each of you, then pick one to receive a sample. You go first, lie on those bearskins," I ordered the blonde.
The blonde slipped out of her beaverskins and lay down on my bearskins. She had breasts the size of walnuts and a light blonde fuzz on her pussy. I should have known she'd be a natural blonde because the only hair-dye that had been invented was that blue woad stuff. I knelt between her legs and started to lick her pussy. Gradually she became moist, with fresh, lemony flavoured secretions, or what I imagined lemons would taste like if they had been discovered. I lapped them up avidly, causing the blonde to moan with pleasure. Eventually her whole body shook with orgasm.
Next came the brunette. She was equally attractive, with slightly larger breasts and chestnut fuzz on her pussy. Licking her to orgasm, I was rewarded with the mysterious taste of what plain chocolate would have tasted like if it had been invented.
Finally came the redhead, breasts barely perceptible with only a tiny hint of red fuzz on her pussy. As I licked her to orgasm I experienced the familiar sweet taste of wild strawberries.
I made my choice for the nookie - the redhead. I reasoned that her relative immaturity was a good thing because it would take more attempts to get her in the family way. I removed my bearskins, revealing my one-eyed snake at full stretch, seeping precum from its tip.
"That's awfully big. Will it fit inside me?" giggled the redhead nervously.
"There's only one way to find out."
I positioned my one-eyed snake at the entrance to her cunny and pushed, only to be rebuffed by her intact hymen.
"Hold tight, this will sting a little."
I thrust hard and burst through the barrier, causing the redhead to grimace with pain and clench her muscles. I waited until she relaxed again, then pushed deeper inside her. She was so deliciously tight and hot that I knew I wouldn't last long. I pistoned in-and-out and felt my groin start to tighten.
"I'm about to cum," I warned her, as my first throb sent a gob of sperm coursing up my one-eyed snake towards her waiting womb.
I awoke groggily. I was lying on the thin, lumpy mattress of the prison cell where Officer Sherry had locked me up. Officer Sherry was standing over me, ready to fire the taser again if the one-eyed snake showed any further signs of life.
"You disgusting pervert, you pathetic little worm," she sneered at me, "I bet you were dreaming of Girl Scout nookies again!"
© Evil Nigel 2007