1, 2, 3, 4, 5

This story is copyrighted 2005 by Kaereni, may not be excerpted, reprinted, reproduced, or reposted in any form without the express written consent of the author. Visitors to this web site may read or temporarily download pages but are not permitted to modify or re-distribute them.

The story may contain sexual activities and situations that are to be read only by readers above the legal age of consent. The story is not to be read in locations where such stories are illegal. If you are not of legal age, or live in the wrong place, please exit this site immediately.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

by Kaereni

I remember a time when I was young. A time when I was just starting out in the fire service. I had just finished my Emergency Medical Technician training and was eager to put my training to work. To go out and save the world. It was a Saturday in the spring the bird were singing it was the first real nice day since the winter. The dogwoods and cherry blossoms were blooming and all was right with the world. I was in the rec room playing pool with Richard and beating him for once. While the others; Tom, Jock, Colan, Virgil and chief were watching a Redskins game on tv. The skins were having a great game and were pounding Dallas into the ground. Like I said, All was right with the world. Last but not least, for once no one was giving me gruff for being female.

The tone-out goes off. first the high tone followed by the low tone. I can still here the tone out call today. Followed by the Klaxon.. It was an ambulance call. Yee Haw!!!!! Now I'll show them that I can be every bit as good as a man. Virgil, Richard and I race down to the ambulance to take the call. Virgil as the driver, Richard as one EMT and I as the other. The ride was different it seemed that we traveled in slow motion. Taking hours to get there instead of the five minuets of real time. I remember being excited, more excited than my first date, or even the prom. We stopped in front of a nice house, you know the type where they all look alike and you could walk in one and go to the next and the layout is the same. I grab the trauma kit while Richard grabbed the back board. We knew that we had a head trauma on our hands and with head trauma you need to stabile the head and neck incase of any spinal trauma. The man wearing clothes that had the feel of a suit but without the jacked and tie came around the side of the house. Yelling, back here. He's back here. We run.

My god it's a child. A young boy of 8 or nine. He's lying on the ground, on his back, not moving, smelling of excreatment. Oh god he' s dead I think to my self, I' m frozen, I can' t move. Richard runs past me bumping me causing me to be free again. We set down to work, no reparation, no pulse. CPR, We need to do CPR

I start the chest compressions. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, Richard blows. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Richard blows. Over and over. I feel and hear the ribs cracking from the pressure. Virgil standing next to me saying something I cant hear My mind is filled with counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 over and over. Finally I make out what he's saying. We need to get him to the hospital. I cant stop! I have to keep his heart beating they work around me. I lookup and we are in the ambiance. Im stunned, how did we get here?. Counting always counting. Sirens screaming Virgil driving like a NASCAR pro weaving in and out of traffic. Being thrown about the back still counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 My arms are on fire. I look at Richard, he shakes his head. Nooooo! I will not let the angel of darkness take him. Over and over 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Hospital! At last! They can fix, the docs can fix, I will fix. I' m straddling the gurney on top is the child. Looking as if we are having some type of bizarre intercourse. My voice is almost gone counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, over and over. My arms hurt like no pain I have ever had before. They wheel me/ us into the ER and a nurse takes over for Richard. Doctors come and suddenly there are 10 or twelve people around me, crash cart comes up. I' m still counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, still doing compressions. I hear a voice say trade, I got him.

I lean back and fall off gurrnny to the floor covered in sweat, arms trembling. Totally wasted, mind locked in the counting sequence. They zap him. Again they zap him. Each time yelling clear, each time his body arcs in a form that isn't natural. The smell of burning flesh emulating from him. Epinephrine, the doctor calls a nurse hands him a syringe that was a needle about 4 inches long that you could roll a BB though. He takes it and stabs downward like he is trying to kill a vampire. Into the boy's chest in goes. No good, it didn't work. He's dead. They cover him with a sheet with shaking heads and looks of sorrow on there faces. Ohhhhh god why?

We return to the station in silence. We get back and go to the rec room. The others are still there watching the game. Richard goes to the table and picks up a cue stick acting as if nothing happened. Virgil goes and gets a coke and asks whose winning? I stand at the door looking mind not working right and thinking, we lost a child, a little boy, and not one of you bastards care. They all stop turn and stare at me. Oh god I said it out loud. I turn and run bunk room.

The chief finds me there crying like I had lost one of my own, how could they not care. We are suppose to save lives. That's why I joined to save lives not to lose them. He says Carolyn you cant save all of them, you try, but you will lose. You have to move forward and not look back. Never look back He told me that If I didn't keep it impersonal then I would lose my mind. That you could not allow your self to get drawn into the person that you had to keep your distance. He told me to have a good cry and come up when I feel right. Last thing he said before he left me was we're all crying in our own ways.

I've learned a lot since that day. Never let your self become involved. Keep a part of you in reserve. But deep down, where no one will ever see, I still cry.

Kaereni's black book