Sunday, October 30 2005
I don't know where we are right now in our relationship. I feel awkward asking her about it. I feel like I will lose her if I bring up the subject in our conversation. Most of the times I pretend as if nothing is different and she doesn't appear any different but she will talk about Else at times and how she likes her. I know she's proud of her new relationship with the girl she loves and I support her all the time. She told her parents about it and they are happy for her.
I called Monika one day and she asked me what's up with me. I told her all about Nikki and she said I should let her do what she wants. If she wants to slow down or take a break then she should do that. I understand all that but sometimes I still think I should do something to keep us together. Wouldn't any other lover do the same for the person he or she loves? To just let her go without trying to hold her back to me would mean that all those years we've been together mean nothing to me.
Yesterday I asked her why she loves me. We were watching a boring show on TV and it occurred to me that I have never asked her that before. She thought for a while and said 'because you're pretty and funny and because you love me back'. Then she asked me and I hugged her to myself and said because she's the prettiest and smartest girl I've ever known. If I could somehow hold on the moments like that and never let her go away. But lately I can't stop thinking about how it will all end. It wouldn't be so hard perhaps if we haven't been together for so long. I've seen her grow up and change and to lose her would make feel as if she died. I used to think if time like that comes one day, it will be all right because it's good for her to move on but now when it's here I have second thoughts about it. I feel less secure and I don't want to be alone. I don't know if I could start all over again.