Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2012 22:29:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: jaks020101@aol.com
Subject: BrothersAtPlay35

Copyright 2011 Josh. ...All Rights Reserved.


Brothers At Play, part 35


Eric made his chicken and pasta dinner with garlic and red pepper flakes.
It seemed better this time than the two times before.  We convinced him
that we wanted more heat (red pepper).  There wasn't a piece of pasta left
in the bowl.

Zack was all smiles.  We sat around telling stories.  Eric and Adam
laughed.  They were all Josh, Kevin and Alex stories.  Eric told stories of
growing up.  Adam sat quietly.  Kim refused.  Adam asked Zack for a story.

"None of my stories are funny stories," he said.  "The stories about Josh,
Kevin and Alex are funny.  I remember when the word got around that they
shaved his pubes.  I convinced him to let me see."

I said, "It was kind of obvious when I took a shower after gym."

Zack said, "They were always playing jokes on each other and on their
parents.  I remember one time walking to school with them and Josh was
furious at them."

"Which time was that?" I asked.

Kevin laughed.  "He was always so easy and he'd get so pissed.  He'd yell,
I'm going to get even.  I swear I'm going to get even.  We'd laugh and
laugh."

Zack said, "I guess we were in the fifth grade.  Josh had his favorite
toothpaste."

"Oh God, that story.  Alex used this stuff with three colors," I said.  "It
tasted terrible.  I liked Colgate."

"Yeah," Alex said.  "It was all white." He started to laugh.

"Fuck you," I said.

Zack said, "One of them squirted some out and then they filled it with his
mother's hand cream, which was white."

"Oh no," Kim said, making a face.

"Yeah, so I get up and pee and then I brush my teeth and I'm about ten
second into it, my teeth covered and I realize it isn't toothpaste."

Kevin started laughing.  "The three of us were standing in his room
watching and waiting.  You should have heard him gagging."

"Yeah, I've got hand cream in my mouth first thing in the morning and I can
hear them laughing.  I'm surprised I ever talked to the three of you."

Laughter.

I said, "I go downstairs and they're almost done with their breakfast.  I
tell my mother what they did and she says, they play jokes on you because
they're jealous of you being so cute.  The three of them start to laugh.
You're so cute they kept saying over and over and my mother laughed.

"Your mom didn't get angry at them?" Eric asked.

Kevin said, "My mom loved playing jokes on us and when we'd play jokes on
each other she'd love it and laugh."

"No one loved me when I was a kid.  Not even my mother," I said, faking a
frown.

"Oh Jesus," Kevin said.

Alex said, "Mom's favorite."

"You've known them a long time?" Adam asked Zack.

"I got to know them in the third grade.  Well, I got to know Josh.  I
transferred in.  I was the smallest and skinniest and newest in the class.
Not good.  If you're going to be new, you need to be the biggest.  But Josh
befriended me."

"He lived about four blocks from us," I said.  "His mother worked so she
paid some high school girl to wait for him after school and walk him home.
Alex, Kevin and Steven used to wait for me and we'd all walk home.  Alex
was in the seventh grade then."

"Josh and I got to be good friends," Zack said, "and Josh's mother called
my mom and told her that I could come to her house after school and my
mother could pick me up after work.  So, I walked home with the four of
them."

I said, "When the weather was bad, my mom would pick us all up."

Zack said, "In the fourth grade, there were two guys who started bullying
me.  It was pretty bad.  Josh kept sticking up for me, but they wouldn't
stop."

I was surprised he was going to talk about what happened.  I said, "These
guys were in the fifth grade."

Zack said, "They started looking for me when I wasn't around Josh.  One
time I went to the bathroom.  There were other boys in there, so I went
into one of the stalls to pee."

I hadn't heard this before.

"This isn't a funny story.  But it's a real story about them, about how
they are." Kevin was sitting beside Zack.  He reached over and mussed his
hair.  Zack smiled.  "Anyway, I went into the stall and was peeing.  All of
a sudden one of them came under the stall.  I got my pecker in my pants.
He opened the door and the other kid pushed in.  I tried to get out, but
they kicked me to my knees and then pushed my face in the toilet that I
peed in and called me a fag."

"You never told me this," I said.

"I was too embarrassed.  Everyone in the bathroom laughed.  I closed the
stall door and cried." He sighed.  "Anyway, I never went to the bathroom
again.  Well, not at school.  But it didn't stop.  They'd see me in the
hall and shove me, knock me down.  Josh would yell at them and they'd walk
away."

"They didn't do anything to you?" Eric asked me.

"I'd try to shove them back.  They were big kids.  But, no, they'd just
walk away from me.  They knew that I had three older brothers, in middle
school. In our school, the middle school was in the same building as the
elementary school.  It was just upstairs."

Zack told the story about Kevin and Steven shoving the bullies to the
floor.

"Wow, cool," Adam said.

I said, "They picked up their stuff and just walked away."

Zack said, "Then, as if that wasn't enough, Alex grabs them and pulls them
outside."

"I don't remember that," I said.

"Yeah," Alex said.  "I told them that if they ever fucked with Zack or Josh
again, it was going to be three against two, not two against two.  They
walked away."

"They never bothered me again," Zack said, his voice cracked.  Tears came
to my eyes.  "Josh became my best friend.  Kevin, Steven, and Alex were
like older brothers."

Kevin mussed his hair again.

"When Josh left high school to come here a year early," he continued.

"Early?" Eric asked.

"He skipped a year in high school," Zack said.

"No, I didn't.  I just crammed four years into three."

"And he's hung, too," Kim said.  Everyone laughed.

"Who told you that?" I said.  I could feel myself blushing.

"My secret," she said.

"Anyway, I can't tell you how sad it was to see Alex leave and then Kevin
leave and then Josh." He smiled.  "But now I'm here, back with my big
brothers and best friend."

Later that night, after satiating each other, Eric said, "I like Zack.  I
remember a kid in elementary school who got bullied a lot." He sighed.  "I
liked him but I was too afraid to be his friend."

"All that shit is so hard to deal with," I said.

"You dealt with it.  I wish I had been a friend to him like you were to
Zack."

"Yeah, well, like I said, it's easy to be brave when you have three
brothers in the same building.  If I didn't, I'm sure they would have come
at me and I might have thought twice about it."

"I guess he was lucky," Eric said. "You hear about how some kids kill
themselves because they get bullied."

"Yeah, I know.  We had an assembly about bullying.  I was sitting with
Zack.  They talked about kids killing themselves.  I felt like there was a
hundred pound weight on my chest.  I knew he was thinking about when it
happened to him.  We walked home together that day.  When he went his way,
he looked at me and said, "Thank you."

I woke and heard Eric in the shower.  I got up and joined him.  He smiled.
"I didn't want to wake you up," he said.

"I hate that you're leaving."

"Me too."

I pressed myself against him.  We kissed.  I turned the water off.  "We're
going to be a while," I said.  I got on my knees and sucked his cock,
taking him deep into my throat.  He moaned and thrust.  I licked and played
with his balls.  He held my head by a handful of my hair.  I could tell he
was getting close.  I stood up.

"Let me come," he sighed.  "Then fuck me."

"No, I want you inside of me."

We kissed.  "I don't want to go home.  I hate this," he whispered.  "I
can't wait for September to come."

"Suck my cock," I said and smiled.  He got on his knees.  I watched his
head bobbing back and forth and felt the warmth of his mouth.  I stroked
his head.

He stood.  I turned around.  He pressed his cock against my hole and I
pressed against him.  We both moaned.  He thrust.  "Oh yeah," I moaned
while I masturbate.  I turned my head.  We kissed.  He thrust hard.  My
knees shook.  "I'm going to come."

"Come in my mouth," he said, pulling out of me.  I turned.  He was already
on his knees.  Cum shot from my cock and hit his face, then he put my cock
in his mouth and took the rest of my load, while he masturbated.  I braced
myself against the shower wall as he sucked my cock.  I pulled my sensitive
cock from his mouth and pulled him to his feet.  I knelt down and took him
into my mouth.  Immediately, he came.

We turned on the shower and held each other.  "I love you," he said.

"I love you too."

He was leaving for home before lunch.  His parents were concerned with
people driving drunk on the Fourth.  I walked him to his car.  "When can I
come back," he asked.

"I asked Kevin when Eric was coming again for a visit.  He's coming three
weekends from now."

"Can I come then?"

"You can come then or whenever you want."

"I'll come then.

We hugged.  "It was a good weekend," I said.  "I love you."

"I love you."

"Call me when you get home," I said as he got into his car.

"Yes, Mom," he said and smiled.

I went upstairs.  Adam was dressed for a run.  "Is Kevin going with you?"

"No," he said.  "His knee is bothering him.  You want to run?"

"Ah.  Is this one of those fifteen milers?"

"No.  How about we run for an hour, head back here.  If I want to keep
running I'll just take off."

We headed out.  He let me set the pace.  "You have a long drive home.  When
are you leaving?" I asked.

"I'm not going home.  I'm driving south.  My grandfather has friends who
live there.  He flew down.  I'm going to meet him.  We'll stay in a hotel.
I'm going to see my mom and my brothers and good friends while I'm down
there.  They go to school here and live here like you do all year long, but
they went to his parent's house for some family thing this weekend.  Then
my grandfather and I will drive back."

"You live with your grandfather?"

"Yeah," he said.  I looked at him.  "It's a very long story."

"We have time," I said.

He shrugged.  "How about this," he said.  "When I'm here for school in
September, you and I can run.  We'll get to know each other and I'll tell
you my story."

I nodded.  We ran.  "Does Kevin know?"

"Most of it," he said.  "Don't ask him.  I made him promise not to talk
about it.  You'll put him on the spot."

"I won't," I said.  This has always been so hard for me.  It hits that spot
in my personality that says I'm too young to know what my brothers know
-something that they loved to pull on me.

I chuckled.

"What?" I said.

"You've got me hooked." He laughed.  "This better be a good story."

"Good?  I wouldn't call it good."

"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way.  Fuck, that sounded so fucked."

He smiled.  "I know what you meant.  I guess it's an interesting story."

"Kevin told me that when we first met, you thought I didn't like you.  I
promise you, I'm just a jerk when I don't know someone.  I get feeling all
awkward."

"I get it," Adam said.  "I'm the same way.  I don't do well with meeting
people."

"So, we're cool?" I asked.

He chuckled.  "Those who trim together."

I laughed.


Adam followed me up to the apartment.  After he showered, he said goodbye
to everyone.  He and Kevin went to Adam's car.  When Kevin came back he
said, "Thank you.  He said you two are going to run in the fall."

"Yeah.  That's okay, right?"

"Yes.  Definitely."

My phone chimed.  It was Eric.  He arrived home.

Alex wasn't doing work study any longer.  He had full support while he
worked on his master's degree.  He would be a teaching assistant in
September.  During the summer, he began working with his major professors.

Kevin and I worked.  Zack had decided that he would take the history class
that I took my freshman year.  I gave him my books.  He started reading.
His mother had called me before his graduation and asked what he would
need.  I told her he had a computer, but I found my iPad invaluable.
That's what she got for him.

I showed Zack my iPad and the flash card ap.  I explained how much it
helped.  He downloaded the ap and got started.  "If I can get the first
quarter's reading done in this class before classes start, that will really
help."

I was in the library working when my phone vibrated.  It was Steven.
"Hey," I'm in the library working.  Can I call you in about an hour when
I'm off." He said yes and hung up.

For an hour, I wondered if he was calling just to check in or if there was
something wrong.  Leaving the library, I called him.  "Hey, what's up?"

"Does something have to be up for us to talk?" I don't know what it is
about him that sets my balls on fire, but immediately I wanted to hang up.
"No," I said, "How are you doing?"

"Okay.  Everyone is fine.  I was just thinking about you guys, wondering
how things were going."

He sounded down.  Steven used to be a happy kid, but somewhere during high
school that changed.  But he sounded a lot worse.  "We're all good.  Alex
spends a lot of time with Kim."

"That's pretty serious?"

"Very, I'd say.  Kevin is working at the bookstore.  I'm working at the
library shelving books and dusting shelves.  Fun.  Zack has been going over
to the music department.  They have these really cool soundproof practice
rooms there.  He's been signing up for those."

"How's Kevin doing with his new boyfriend?"

"Adam.  Good.  I've been getting to know him.  He seems like a really good
guy.  He's quiet, a little shy maybe, interesting, good looking.  Oh and
he's a runner.  They didn't tell me that.  We went for one of our runs and
you know how we do at the end.  So, about a half mile from the apartment he
takes off.  Kevin looks at me and laughs.  I take off after Adam and it's
almost like he's waiting for me.  When I catch up to him he pours it on.  I
ran my balls off but he stayed five yards ahead of me.  Then they told me
he ran track and cross country."

"I hope it goes better for Kevin this time," he said.

"Yeah, me too.  And I think it will."

"How is Eric?" Have you seen him?"

We talked about Eric and then I asked, "So, how are you and things with
your girlfriend?"

"Ah, well, that's over."

"Oh, do you want to talk about it?" I asked.

"Ah, I gotta go.  Hey, maybe I can take some time off and come up for a
visit.  It would be good to see you guys."

"Yeah, sure.  You should come when Eric and Adam aren't visiting.  I mean
that's when we have plenty of room.  There's a free bed in my room and a
free bed in Kevin's room."

"Yeah.  That would be good."

"Really," I said, "if you want to talk about what happened, call me
tonight."

"Yeah, okay, I'll think about it.  Gotta go, bye," he said and hung up.

I walked to the grill where I was going to meet Kevin and Zack and then we
were going to drive home.  I sat waiting for them eating yogurt and a
banana and sunflower seeds.  I couldn't stop thinking about Steven.  I
thought about calling my mother, but didn't.

Adam flew down instead of driving the last weekend in July.  Eric drove.
It was great seeing Eric.  I ran with Adam.  He still refused to tell me
his story.  There was something mysterious about him Ðsome deep hurt, or
struggle.  He didn't seem wounded, or overly sad, or depressed.  As a
matter of face, he was pretty funny and very easy to talk to.  There was
something about him that seemed serious, solid, thoughtful.  I could see
why Kevin found him attractive.

He talked about two friends of his that he thought we'd like.  A gay
couple.

What I did find out was that he too was pre-med.  When I asked Kevin why he
didn't tell me, he reminded me that I never asked.

Eric and I took Zack to the city for the day.  We had a great time.  Eric
has a great way of befriending people.  When Eric left, Zack said, "Damn, I
never thought I'd say this, but he might be too good for you," and laughed.
I liked that they liked each other.

I was done with working at the library for the day.  Kevin was putting in
more hours.  Alex asked earlier if I wanted to meet for lunch.  I told him
that Zack and the band would be out of the field practicing for the
afternoon.  We decided to have lunch and watch.

"Life's interesting," Alex said, as we watched the band.  "That story he
tells about being bullied.  I remember that day.  It was just stupid middle
school bullshit to me.  But it wasn't to him.  And now he's my roommate."

"I'm his best friend but he really looks up to you."

"Me?"

"Yeah.  You and Kevin and somewhat to Steven.  It probably has to do with
my feelings.  It's funny," I said.  "His room was never neat and he never
made his bed.  But he sees that you're a neat freak and your bed is made
every day, so he told me he makes sure he picks up after himself and makes
his bed before he has breakfast."

Alex laughed.

"Have you heard from Steven?" I asked.  The band turned and marched facing
us.  I spotted Zack.  I stood and waved my sweatshirt.  I was sure he saw
me.  I sat down.

"No," Alex said.  "Have you?"

"A few weeks ago.  I was thinking about calling him tonight." Alex looked
at me.  I said, "He sounded bad.  He and his girlfriend broke up.  When I
asked him about it, he said he had to go.  Sometimes I want to shit down
his throat he makes me so angry and then other times I remember he's my
brother and he's fucked up in the head and I feel sorry for him."

"My experience with Steven is that when you get close he strikes out at
you."

"Yeah, I know."

"You know your problem is that you take what he says seriously so when he
does strike out you get hurt."

"So everyone says," I said, "but the way you and Kevin deal with him is
that you don't take him seriously so you're not hurt, but you also don't
have anything to do with him.  And like you said, he is our brother."

"Mom asked me to stay open to him," Alex said.  "I'm open to him, but he's
going to have to change his passive aggressive ways if I'm going to have
anything to do with him.  If he wants things to be different, he needs to
be different."

"You sound like me," I said.

"Not a bad way to sound."

I thought about what Alex and I talked about but I decided to call Steven.
I could do one of two things if he got weird.  One was to yell at him for
attacking, the other was to just tell him I had to go and hang up.  I took
a breath and called.

"Hey," he said.  "How's it going?"

"Okay.  Good actually.  Eric was up again.  That was nice.  Today, Alex and
I went and watched Zack practice with the marching band.  I've started
reading for a couple of my classes."

"What are you taking?"

"Well, organic chem. UGH.  Scary."

"You'll do fine."

"Kevin gave me his books.  He got A's in chem. He'll help me, I guess.  Hey
have you seen this ap you can download on your iPad." I told him about the
flashcard ap.  He looked for it while we were on the phone.

"What else are you taking?" He asked.

"Well, I'm taking a genetics class and a microbiology class for my major
and then Eric and I are going to take a philosophy class for a general
education requirement.  What are you taking?"

Steve recently decided he was interested in law. He was taking philosophy
and political science classes.  "I've got to take a science class for
general ed.  You know how much I hate science." We talked about what class
he might take.

"So, how are you doing?" I asked.  "How's living at home?"

"I'm okay," he sighed.  "Mom's good.  I think Dad doesn't like the fact
that I'm at home.  Next year, I'm going to stay at school."

"Are you really okay?" I asked.

"Why wouldn't I be?" he snapped.

"Hey," I barked back, "don't get snarly with me.  Last time I talked to
you, you sounded really down.  You told me that you and your girlfriend
broke up.  I know what that was like for me.  You know, you want to hear
from me and I do care about you and I want to know how you're really doing.
That's until you jump down my throat."

"Sorry. You're right." He exhaled loudly.  "I don't know what to say."

"Okay, you and Kevin do this thing.  I don't have words for how I feel.  I
know it's hard for him and for you."

"I really don't know what to say.  We broke up.  We broke up in June."

"You sound pretty down about it.  How are you doing?"

"I'm scared and I don't know why." He sighed.  "Maybe I do know why.  I
don't know.  Look, Josh, thank you for asking.  But I can't talk about
this.  Not with you."

I felt my face get tingly.  "Me?  You don't think you can trust me?" He
didn't answer.  "No, I get it.  We've never been close.  I get it."

"That's not it.  In a weird way, I do trust you more than anyone else.  Or,
at least, more than Kevin or Alex.  I just can't.  I'll be fine.  Thank you
for asking and thank you for calling."

"Steven, I don't get what's going on.  If you want to talk to me, I
promise, I won't betray you."

"I gotta go," he said.  "I'll call you."

I hung up feeling sad.  How fucked it must feel to have three brothers and
feel alone.  I thought about talking to Alex or Kevin but decided against
it.  I thought about calling my mother and telling her that I was worried
about him.  But he was living at home and I figured my mother was on top of
it.

I stared at my phone.  I called my mother.  We talked about school, my dad,
Kevin, Alex and Eric.  "I called Steven a little while ago."

"He's pretty low," she said.

"Yeah, seemed that way to me.  I was feeling a little worried, but I kind
of think he wants no one to know he's depressed and I didn't know if I
should say anything to you.  I don't want him to feel like I've betrayed
him."

"I've got it.  I won't even mention you called."

"I love you, Mom."

"I know you do.  I love you and I know you know that."

I felt better that I said something to her.

Adam and Eric visited again mid-August.  Saturday morning we got up early.
Kevin and Adam, Zack, Eric and I drove to a nude beach that Adam's friends
told him about.  We spread loads of sunscreen on those
where-the-sun-doesn't-shine places.  We brought along a football so we had
fun tossing that around, swimming and lying in the sun.

In bed the night before, Eric and I went at each other like we hadn't seen
each other in months.  Saturday night we made love.  I lay on him, my cock
in his ass and thrust slowly.  We held each other, kissed and confessed
deep love for one another.  Then I lay, my legs wrapped around him, and
enjoyed his excitement.

Adam and Eric would be moving into their apartments at the beginning of
September even thought classes didn't start until the third week.  Leases
started September first.  "No more weekend trips," I said to Eric, standing
beside his car.

"I know.  When will Brad get here?"

"He said he'd be here the week before classes.  Frat stuff."

"Good.  Andrew and those guys are coming the first week of September, so
you and I can still use your room."

I smiled.  "Once classes start we'll have to make arrangements with
roommates for some alone time.  Drive safely."

Kevin, Zack, Alex and I decided to go into town and see a movie.  When we
got out, I turned on my cell phone.  There was a call from Eric and a call
from my mother. I called Eric.  He arrived home safely.

I waited until I got home and called my mother.  "I need you to do me a
favor," she said immediately.

"Yeah, sure what?"



"Call Steven.  Something is very wrong.  He just told me that he wants to
take time off from school, maybe a year, maybe transfer.  I asked him why
and he just shrugged and went to his room."

"When was this?"

"Yesterday," she said.  "He's been in bed, curled up under the covers.  He
skipped breakfast, came down for lunch and barely ate.  I went to talk to
him and he said that all he wanted to do was sleep."

"You don't know what any of this about?" I asked.

"No, he won't talk to me."

"Mom, he might not talk to me either."

"Try."

I hung up took a moment.  I knew I had to be careful or I'd get the
I-gotta-go treatment.  I called him.  It went to voicemail.  I called
again.  "What?" he said.

"I talked to Mom.  She said you weren't going back to school and that
you've been in bed for two days.  Steven, talk to me."

Silence.

I decided to pull a Kevin.  "Okay, if you don't talk to me and tell what's
going on, I'm going to come down there and sit on your bed until you talk
to me."

I heard him crying.

"I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy," he cried.  "I can't stop the voices
in my head.  I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin."

"What happened?"

"I can't.  I can't talk about it.  I just can't."

"Then I'm coming down."

"No, don't." More crying.  "Josh, please don't." He hung up.

I called my mother.  "I'm flying down.  I don't think I can get a flight
tonight, so I'll have Alex or Kevin drive me to the airport early in the
morning.  Can I put it on the credit card?"

"Of course.  Did he tell you what's going on?"

"He's freaking out but I don't know why.  Can this all be about his break
up?" I asked.

"I don't think so.  I think something happened in the last couple of weeks.
He's been going to work and then going out.  A couple of nights he didn't
come home.  He called and said he was staying at a friend's and then this
all happened."

"I'll let you know when I'm coming in."

"I'm going to stay here.  Dad will pick you up."

Kevin drove me to the airport.  "He's always been uptight," he said.
"Maybe he's finally cracked up."

"I'm going to see if I can get him to come up for a few days.  What do you
think?"

"Yeah, I guess.  Tell him I care about him."

My father picked me up curbside.  "Do you have any idea what this about?"
he asked.

"No, but I think it's been coming on for a while." When I arrived at home,
I asked my mother, "Did he come down today?"

"He came down for lunch, but hardly ate and went upstairs.  I didn't tell
him you were coming."

I went upstairs and opened his door.  He was in bed, the covers over his
head.  He peeked out and then covered his head.  "I'm here.  We're going to
talk.  I know you think it won't help.  I felt that way too, but it did
help."

I sat on his bed.  I pulled the blanket.  He held it tightly.

"Steven, I know you don't trust me.  I know we've never been close.  I know
you think I'm judgmental, but I promise I won't judge you."

"You won't understand."

"Try me." I pulled the blanket down.  He looked terrible Ðhis hair was a
mess, it looked like he hadn't shaved in a while.  "Steven, talk to me."

"I don't know where to start and it's too confusing and messed up." He
started to turn away from me, but I grabbed his shoulder and stopped him.
He sighed.  "When I started at school," he sighed.  "Two years ago I
started seeing a therapist." He looked at me.  I nodded.  "When I," he
sighed again.  "I wasn't attracted to girls.  This therapist said he could
change that." He stared at the ceiling.

"Okay, so you started therapy."

"Twice a week."

"Where did you get the money?"

"My trust," he said.  "A thousand a month." I felt my stomach tighten.  "He
said I wasn't gay.  He said that it was Kevin's fault."

"Kevin?"

"Because we messed around.  But I told him that I kept talking Kevin into
it.  He'd not want to do stuff with me, but I talked him into it." He
glanced at me.  "I was the one who started it with him when we were kids."

"You don't think Kevin is to blame."

"No.  He kept saying that Kevin was seducing me and that you were seducing
me by not saying yes."

"So if we said yes then we'd be to blame or if we said no then we'd be to
blame."

"Yeah.  I told him that."

"What did he say?"

"He changed it and said that Dad and Mom were to blame and that he could
made my gay feelings go away.  He said that Dad never gave me love, was
passive and never around and that Mom was too much in charge and she took
over and made all the decisions and bossed Dad around."

"Mom?  That doesn't sound like Mom.  I mean, yeah, I guess I've complained
that Dad was too strict and never praised us enough.  But, he was always
around.  He was always tossing a football around with us and we had to
watch all those games with him." I was getting angry but tried to calm
down.  "So what happened?"

"In May, he told me I was doing great.  I told him that I wasn't really
turned on by my girlfriend.  He said that it wasn't me, that it was her and
I should break up with her and look for a girl that turned me on."

"So, you broke up with her?"

I saw tears fall from his eyes.  "She was really upset.  She wanted to know
why.  I didn't know what to tell her."

"You told her she didn't turn you on?"

He nodded.  "She really got hurt.  God, it was so bad." He rolled over and
cried.  "You think I'm a jerk, don't you?"

"No.  That was in May?  What happened since then?"

"He put me in a group with other guys who didn't want to be gay.  He said
that they were doing great and that the group would be good support for
me."

As I listened to him, I thought about all the times he gave me shit for
being gay, and not wanting Eric at the graduation dinner.

"When did you start that?"

"In May.  I talked about the girl I broke up with and they all told me they
had to break up with girls.  I guess it was good being with other guys who
didn't want to be gay.  We could talk."

He rolled over onto his back and then glanced at me.  "You're happy?"

I looked at him.  "You think I'm happy that you're hurting?"

"No, no, I mean you're happy at school, with your boyfriend."

"Oh, yes.  I am." He sighed.  I noticed him shaking his head.  I asked,
"What are you thinking."

"He kept telling me that I was doing great.  He told me that I wasn't
really gay.  That I was never gay."

"Did something happen?" He started to roll away again.  I stopped him.
"What happened?"

"I'd be better off dead."

"Okay," I said.  "I'm not being judgmental, but that's fucking bullshit.
You're not thinking about that are you?"

He shook his head and said, "I just wish it would happen."

"Yeah," I said, feeling sad for him. "I guess we all feel like that once in
a while."

"I got to be good friends with this guy in the group ÐParker.  He's a year
ahead of me at school.  He has a girlfriend."

"Is he attracted to her?"

"No, but he didn't care.  He and I started hanging out."

"Was he in therapy with this guy too or just the group."

"Three years with my therapist and a year in the group."

"What happened?"

"My therapist always talks about that some men who have attractions for men
think it's sexual but it's not, its just friendship.  A lot of men love
other men and never have sex with them.  He said that President Lincoln had
a best friend and they used to sleep in the same bed with each other and
when his friend moved away and Lincoln moved away, Lincoln was really
depressed and maybe he never stopped being depressed about missing him.
But it wasn't sexual."

"So you and Parker had this attraction?"

"Fuck, Josh, it got so bad.  I never stopped thinking about him."

"Did he know?"

"Yes and he felt the same way."

"What happened?" I asked.

He lay shaking his head.  He started taking quick shallow breaths.  "Fuck,"
he said.  "It's happening."

"What's happening?" I asked.

He jumped out of bed and began pacing around the room breathing fast.  I
got up.  "What's happening?"

"I don't know.  I feel all anxious.  I feel like my heart is pounding.  Why
is this happening?"

I watched him pacing.  He sat on the floor, rolled onto his side and pulled
his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.  "Why is this
happening?"

I sat beside him.  He was covered in sweat.  "It's so fucked up."

"What's fucked up?"

He began to cry.  "About two weeks ago we had sex.  It wasn't just sex." He
pulled his legs closer to his chest.  "He never wants to see me again.  The
first time, I stayed the night.  We never slept.  It was the best night I
had ever had.  But then the next day I started thinking that I didn't want
to be gay.  What about everything that my therapist said?  I started
getting crazy about it.  But all I could think about was him.  I wanted to
be with him.  I didn't care about anything else.  I felt like I was going
nuts and he told me not to talk about what we did in group or to my
therapist or it would stop.

"I told him I was getting confused." He got up and paced.  I followed him.
He walked to his bed and lay down.  He pulled the covers over himself.  I
pulled them down.

"What did he say?"

"He said that I wasn't gay anymore and that he wasn't gay anymore but that
we just had a relapse."

"A relapse?"

"Like when you're alcoholic and you have a drink." I felt my jaw tighten.
This was getting hard for me.  I wanted to tell him that I thought his
therapist was nuts, but I didn't.

"He said that he's had relapses with other guys in the group and that he
and I would probably have relapses again."

"You mean he was saying that you and he would have sex again?"

He nodded.  "I don't feel like it was a relapse," he said.  "I can't stop
thinking about him.  We went to group.  I made believe it didn't happen.  I
went to group and started thinking about him with these other guys.  After
group I went to his apartment.  I spent the night again.  Again it was
fantastic, but in the morning he said that we can't do it anymore.  He said
that he wasn't gay and that I knew that.  He told me that he liked me for
sex, but that he wasn't gay and that he loved his girlfriend.  He said we
couldn't have sex anymore."

"Asshole," I said and then wished I hadn't.

"He just wanted me for sex and has his girlfriend so that he's straight."

"He doesn't sound like a nice guy," I said.

"I'm confused.  I feel crazy," he cried.  "I'm not gay but I don't feel
attracted to girls.  I'm not gay and I'm attracted to Parker.  I've never
felt like this about a girl.  I've never fell in love with a girl and I'm
feeling crazy for him.  And then he just says that we can't do IT anymore.
How could I feel like this if I'm not gay?  How can I get married to a girl
and never be in love with her and have feelings like this for guys.  Maybe
I should never get married.  Maybe I should just be alone for the rest of
my life.  Maybe I should just die."

"Mom said you're not going back to school and that you quit your summer
job."

"Parker is at school and so are the other guys in the group.  I don't want
to see them."

"What about your therapist?"

"I told him I'm not going anymore.  I've spent almost thirty thousand
dollars and I just fell in love with a guy.  Relapse.  I told him what
happened.  He said his patients have relapses."

I wanted to tell him to just be gay, but I thought that would make it
worse.  "Steven what happens if being gay is genetic and you've got the
gene.  Do you want to get married and never feel that feeling again, except
for when you have a relapse?"

"Being gay is easy for you, isn't it?"

"I don't know that I'd say it's easy, but I don't hate it the way you do.
So, you're not going back to the group and you're not going back to therapy
and you're not going back to school.  What are you going to do?" He didn't
answer.  "I mean besides sit here and wait to die."

He sighed.

"Steven, I know you don't believe me, but sometimes I hate myself too.  And
I've been in love and been dumped.  I know how much it hurts.  I guess if
being gay is so bad for you, you can be alone all your life.  Become a
priest.  They're all gay."

He glared.

"Why is being gay so bad for you?"

He shook his head.  "I thought Mom and Dad would be angry and grossed out
and never talk to me again."

"Yeah, well, so did I, but that's not what happened.  So, why is being gay
so bad for you?"

"Because everyone hates gays.  Yeah, they tolerate them, but if they could
kill them all in one day and never have any gays around again, they'd do
it."

"Yeah, well, thank God they can't.  And, not everyone hates gays.  My
roommate is straight.  He's a sex hound and loves any kind of sex he can
get, even with guys, but he is straight.  James, Kevin's roommate, is
straight and he and Kevin are great friends.  Greg, Alex's old roommate,
had a best friend who was gay.  Eric's roommates are straight and they like
him.

"Maybe you're thinking of old people like Granddad and Dad's age people.
But they were raised to hate gays and black, and Hispanics, and Asians and
Jews and immigrants."

He sighed.

I looked at him and suddenly felt very sad.  "Steven, I don't hate you.  I
love you." He looked at me.  "I do.  We're brothers.  You were one of the
people I looked up to when I was a kid."

"Yeah, when you were a kid."

"Yeah, well, you became an asshole," I said and smiled.  "Steven, I don't
know what to tell you.  Maybe it's a good idea that you don't go to school
for a semester.  Take time off from all that bullshit.  Come up and visit.
Hang out."

He shook his head.

I could hear someone coming up the stairs.  I looked at him.  He said,
"That's Mom.  Dad makes thud sounds." She knocked on the door.  "Yeah,"
Steve said.

She opened the door.  "It's almost time for dinner. Josh did you even have
lunch?"

"I bought a snack bar at the airport."

"Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes." She left and closed the door.

"Get up and take a shower.  You look like shit and smell like my dirty
underwear," I said.

He got up.  He was wearing a tee shirt and boxers.  He grabbed clean
underwear and started for his bathroom.  He waved at me to follow him.  He
pulled off his tee shirt, stood before the mirror and touched his face.
"Yeah, I'd shave if I were you." I put the lid down on the toilet and sat.
He looked skinny.

Kevin was always more muscular and defined than Kevin, but he look like he
lost about ten pounds.

"I'm sorry I've been an asshole," he said, looking at me through the
mirror.  "You just confused me so much." He put shaving cream on his face
and began to shave.  None of us have what you'd call the ability to grow a
beard, but the small amount of hair on his face was soon gone.  "It got me
crazy that you seemed happy even though you were gay."

He pulled off his boxers and got in the shower.  "You know Steven, I'm
finding out that the way I look to people isn't always the way I'm feeling.
I guess being gay has always been okay with me, but I was scared to have
people know.  You scared me."

He looked at me through the glass door.

"I knew you knew and I was scared you'd tell Dad."

"I would have never done that to you."

"I think I knew that, but it still scared me.  Kevin was scared about
people knowing.  He was happy he got grounded for the prom.  His senior
year he was a mess, because you started dating girls and his friends were
bugging him to ask a girl out and to fuck this girl or that girl."

"When I think about being gay," he said, "I hear these voices in my head
saying that it's wrong."

"Well, maybe you can find someone woman who hates sex and marry her.  You
two can never have sex and then you can say you're straight."

"You're making fun of me."

"No, I'm not, really.  I just thinking of all the options." He looked at me
and gave me the finger.  I smiled at him.  "Yeah, maybe I am.  But really,
wouldn't you rather be like Uncle Robert and Mark, than being married and
having relapses all your life or being a priest and doing altar boys."

He stepped out of the shower and started drying off.

I said, "When John broke up with me I thought I wanted to die.  Kevin
convinced me to talk to Mom.  That's when I told her I was gay.  I was so
fucked up that day my entire body was shaking.  I'm sorry about what
happened with you and Parker."

I saw him frown.  "Thank you." Tears rolled down his cheeks.  "I'm sorry I
wasn't there for you.  But you're lucky you had Kevin."

"Well, I don't know how lucky you are, but you've got me."

He went to his room and dressed.  "Thank you," he said.

"Stop saying thank you, we're brothers.  I think you should talk to Mom."

He sighed loudly.

"I also think you should come back to school with me.  I've got a bed in my
room that's free.  Stay for a week.  Hang out.  Really, Steven, Kevin and
Alex don't hate you.  Kevin told me to tell you that he cares about you."

"They'll think I'm crazy."

"They already think you're crazy," I said and smiled.  He chuckled.

We had dinner with my parents.  My mom kept glancing at me and then Steven.
After dinner, we went back to Steven's room and talked.  He seemed less
panicked.  I convinced him to tell my mother and father what happened.  My
dad looked sad.  "Maybe I did fail you," he said.  "I thought if I gave you
boys structure, responsibilities and helped you set and achieve goals I was
doing my job.  I thought I could leave all the other stuff to your mother."

"You did fine, Dad," I said.

I looked at my mother.  She seemed angry.  "Who's this therapist?" she
asked.

Without giving it much thought, Steven gave my mother his name.  She
nodded.  "Steven, being gay is biological.  It's part genetic and part
hormonal.  Your uncle gave me information about it.  Sometimes one twin is
straight and the other is gay.  They both have the same genes, but they get
different amounts of hormones from the mother.  It happens when the brain
is being developed.  Your brain is gay.

"If you don't want to have a gay relationship, we can all respect that.
Whatever you decide and whatever will make you happy is okay with us.  But
torturing yourself into a relationship with a woman that will only cause
her hardship seems beyond what a responsible man should do to himself or
someone he calms to love.  I think the idea of being married and having so
called relapses is ridiculous, dishonest and destructive."

I heard Steven sigh.

"Steven, we love you," she said.  "You are attracted to men and not women.
Either learn to live with that and find a man you can love, or live a life
of celibacy."

"Or," I said, "maybe he can find a woman that he can tell that he's only
attracted to men who would still want to marry him.  You know, they could
be like roommates."

Everyone looked at me like I was nuts.

"Or, like I said, become a priest and do altar boys."

"You're not funny," my mother said.

I shrugged.

Steven didn't come back to school with me.  I called him everyday.  He said
and sounded like he was doing better.  He decided to take a year off from
school, find a job and then transfer his credits.  I suggested he join us.
He said he'd think about it.

I talked to my mother.  She called his therapist and gave him a piece of
her mind.

Uncle Robert came over and talked to Steven.  When I next talked to Steven,
he told me that he was going to have dinner with them.  Maybe it would be
easier for him to talk openly with them than with Alex, Kevin and me.

Everyone living off campus started arriving early September.  Zack had had
a date.  He said he enjoyed himself, but wasn't sure he'd see this guy
again.  Adam arrived and moved into his apartment.  Roger hadn't arrived,
so Eric was spending a lot of time there.  Eric was spending nights at my
apartment.

I know Andrew from the dorms, but I was getting to know him and his
roommates better.  They seemed like good guys who were focused on
schoolwork and having fun.  Watching them with Eric it became clear they
had no problem with him being gay or having a boyfriend.

Classes started.  This year felt like it was going to be tougher than last.
I was glad I started reading ahead.  When I thought about three more years
of science classes and then medical school, I felt sick.  So, I decided to
focus on just this quarter.  That didn't help much.  The one constant and
good thing was that my brothers and their friends and Eric, were at the
library studying as obsessively as I was.

Brad loved living in the apartment.  He and Alex hit it off.  He liked
Zack.  They seemed to get into a place were they were able to tease each
other and enjoy it.  At times, they had us all laughing.

I learned something new about Adam.  He played guitar and he played it
well.  And he had a fantastic voice.  We insisted that when he ate at our
apartment he had to bring his guitar and play for us.

He and Zack bonded quickly.  Zack got himself a used guitar and started
learning to play.  When I asked him why, he said, "Music has always been an
escape for me.  Something that I've done because I love it and it was
mostly for myself.  Now I have to play to perform and be evaluated.  I
still love it, but it's not an escape.  It's become part of the stress I
have to deal with.  But, guitar isn't part of that."

So, Adam dazzled us with his guitar playing and singing and Zack strummed
along.

Adam and I started running.  Most times Kevin would run with us.  Sometime,
Alex and James would join us.  But, once in a while, Adam and I ran alone.
When we did, he told me parts of his story.  I was moved to tears or anger
or laughter on several occasions.  Sworn to secrecy, I'll have to let it go
at that.

Adam also joined Kevin, Eric and me when we swam.

My life from then until now was about classes, studying, working at the
library, working out and eating and sleeping.  And, of course, Eric.

I don't know if there is a perfect person for another person, but Eric was
as close as they come for me.  He was easy going, drama free, always in
class or studying and always horny and in love.  I don't know if I've been
the perfect boyfriend for him.  He says I am.  My life tends to be more
complicated because I have two brothers that I live with and one who is in
crisis but getting better Ðfamily.

Brad and I have been great roommates.  His girlfriend is really cool.  We
worked out a schedule to have private time in our room.  We have a system.
When they use the room it is mostly during the day.  She's in a sorority
and he's in a frat.  They're both juniors so they have a lot of house
responsibilities and most of those are on weekends and evenings.  So, their
private time is in the afternoon.

Brad always lets me know his plans a day or two in advance.  He knows my
class schedule and plans accordingly.  When they get to the apartment, he
always text messages me, RoS going on, which means, heteRo sex.  When they
leave he texts me, BD, balls drained, the room is yours.  It's both odd and
a turn on to know he's getting laid.  Eric and I use the room during the
evening when Brad is busy.  I text him, MoS going on, which means hoMo sex.
When the room is free I text him a smiley face.

Since September, the only thing of interest that happened was that John
found me in the library working.

He walked up to me and said, "I didn't know you were working here." First
thing he said to me was a lie.  I felt angered but looking back, I'm glad
he did it.  Because, at that moment, I decided I wanted to have nothing to
do with him.

I put down the book I was shelving.  "Yeah, work study.  Sam told me you
transferred here," I said, so he'd know I talked to her.

"Yeah, I really didn't like living in Michigan or living with my cousin."

I felt both a mild anger and anxiety.  "You're living in the dorms?"

"Yeah." We talked about which dorms and his roommate and how he liked it.
We talked about the food in the commons and what classes we were taking.

"I really have to get back to this," I said, picking up a book.

"Okay, well, I was wondering if you'd like to get together for lunch or
dinner sometime."



I felt my face warm with anger.  "I have a boyfriend and I'm really happy
with him."

"Oh yeah, I know, but I mean we could get together.  You know, be friends.
Maybe workout like we used to.  Maybe I could meet him."

"That's not going to work.  If I were he, I'd be bothered by what you're
suggesting.  My guess is that he'd go along with it, but I know it would
bother him.  And, to be fair to him, I really don't want to."

"I guess being friends with me would be some kind of threat to him and to
you," he said smugly.

"No threat, I promise you.  I just don't trust you and I don't like you.
My life is good, simple and I'm happy.  I don't see any reason to
complicate it with your so called friendship." He stared at me.  "Look,
John, you accused me of being a phony.  I took what you said seriously.  In
all my conversations with you I've tried to be honest about where I'm at.
I really don't want you in my life in anyway shape or form."

He glared at me and walked away.

I had told Eric that John had transferred and that my plan was to be both
distant and civil.  I told Kevin that I saw John, but I didn't mention it
to Eric.  It felt like this was all part of my past that had nothing to do
with him and I felt no reason to burden him with it.

I've seen John a couple of times on campus.  Both times, I was with Eric
and John was with friends.  Neither of us acknowledged the other.  The last
time our paths crossed, I said to Eric, "The guy in the red sweatshirt to
your left." Eric glanced to his left.  "That's John."

Eric glanced again and nodded.  "You can do better," he said.

"I did," I said.

In November, Zack met Travis, a sophomore who is a history major.  They
started dating and have been seeing each other ever since then.  I refer to
Travis as Zack's boyfriend.  Zack says that they are just dating and in
heavy like with each other.  They seem like boyfriends to me.

The other thing that is changing and is without a conclusion is that Alex
and Kim are getting their own apartment come September. And, Brad is
thinking about moving into the frat house.  So, our living arrangements are
up in the air.  We've agreed no boy/girlfriends as roommates.  We hate the
idea of moving again, but we're not sure whom we'd ask to move in with us.

That is yet to be decided.

Steven has put in transfer applications to several schools.  If he comes
here, he said he'd like to live with us.  We're guessing that will happen.

One last note about Steven. He's spent a lot of time with my Uncle Robert
and Mark and seems to have accepted being gay.  He and I talk often.  I
guess he's doing a lot better because now I can joke with him about it.
Lately, I've taken to calling him Father Steven.  He laughs.  Kevin is
afraid that if Steven moves in, the drama free life we have in our
apartment will be over.  Months ago, I might have shared his concern, but
lately I think things would go on the way they are.



Well, I know good stories end with someone dying or major change or
realization in the major character's life.  I thought about ending this
earlier when my dad came around, but then I thought I'd bring it current.
No major realization lately and no major change.  Sorry for an
anti-climatic ending.

Alex is with Kim.  Kevin and Adam are very much a couple and it's good to
see Kevin happy.  Eric and I are doing great.  Brad is good.  James,
Kevin's roommate, who I haven't talked much about, is still with his
girlfriend.  Although, we're taking bets on whether or not that lasts
Ðheterosexuals and their conflict filled relationships.

We're all doing well and we're all happy.



Thank you for reading along.  Thank you for all the emails.  Thank you for
your patience with all the typos.  There is so much to do and this can't
take priority.  I enjoyed writing it.

Why did I write it?  Well, I've played with the idea of writing.  I know
I'm not good, but I know being good comes from practice.  There are lawyers
who write novels.  Maybe someday, I'll be a doctor who does the same.

You've been a wonderful audience and never too critical.  Thank you.  Josh.