Date: Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:42:59 -0500 (EST)
From: jaks020101@aol.com
Subject: BrothersAtPlay24

Copyright 2011 Josh. ...All Rights Reserved.


Brothers At Play, part 24


I went home.  Of course, my mother wanted to know what was wrong.  "Sick,"
I said.  I went to my room and lay on my bed.  I heard her coming upstairs.
She knocked.  "Come in."

"What's wrong?"

"I feel sick.  My stomach."

"I can't remember the last time you were sick," she said, walking toward
me.  She felt my forehead.  "No fever.  I'll make you chicken soup."

"I'm not hungry."

"I'll make it anyway.  You have to get something in you."  She left the
room.

With my clothes on, I got under the covers and pulled them over me.

I thought: Oh God, I really fucked this up.  I shouldn't have gone to the
prom.  I'm a fucking coward.  All I had to say is that I didn't want to do
it.  But I did.  I just wanted to see what it was like.  Fuck!  But he was
with Cindy.  He was kissing her.  Doesn't that count?  But he didn't fuck
her.  And then everyone knew.  I should have told him.  Maybe if I talked
to him he would have understood.  He's right.  I fucked this up.

I tried Kevin and Alex again. I didn't leave a message.  What could I say?
One thing he's wrong about is that I'd fuck some girl again.  Situation.
I'm such a fucking coward, loser.  I'd probably do it again if it happened
that way.  No I wouldn't.  I'm not ashamed of being gay.  I'm not.  I'm
just scared.

Tears fell from my eyes.

I am scared, but that's not ashamed.  But I never say it.  No, that's not
true.  I told Kim and I told Greg.  No maybe Alex told Greg.  But I didn't
feel ashamed and I didn't feel scared.  Maybe I am ashamed.  Fuck!

I heard my mother coming upstairs.  "You can come in," I yelled.

She opened the door, holding a bowl of soup.  "Homemade," she said. "I had
it frozen."  She put it on my desk.  "Try to eat some."  She bent down and
kissed my forehead.  "Is there anything bothering you?"

"My stomach," I said.

"No, I mean, did something happen to upset you.  You seem sad."  Tears came
to my eyes.  "You know, Joshua, you have to learn to trust those people who
are worthy of your trust, otherwise you're going to be a very lonely and
isolated man."

I was about to respond.

"I know you talk to your brothers, but you'll have to learn to reach out to
others besides them.  Having an intimate relationship with another person
is first built on trust and if you don't have the strength of character to
trust your own mother who loves you more than her own life, I don't know
who you think you'll ever be able to trust."


She turned and closed the door behind her.

I rolled over, pulled the pillow over my head and cried.

My phone chimed.  I looked to see who it was.  It was Kevin.  "Hey," I
said.

"You sound like shit."

I completely lost it.  I sobbed.

"Dad found out?"

"No."

"Is Mom okay?"

"Ahha," I said, between sobs.

"Should I come down there?"

"No.  John isn't coming."

"Coming?  Coming here in September?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"  Between tears and sobs I told him what John said.

"He's a fucking asshole.  You two weren't monogamous and he was getting a
piece too.  I'm coming down there.  I'm going to beat the shit out of him."

Between tears, I chuckled.  "He's not here.  Do you think I'm ashamed of
myself?"

"Listen to me.  Fuck.  Look, I'm not going to give you a long lecture, but
I've listen to people speak at these LGBT meetings.  We all have some
shame.  How could you and I not have shame the way we were raised?  I mean
Dad was not exactly tolerant on the subject.  We all knew we'd be thrown
out.  When your own father would be ashamed to have a gay son, how the fuck
can't you have some shame."

"So, then he was right."

"He has shame too.  He didn't stand up to everyone when they thought he was
gay and checking you out.  No, the fuck asked Samantha out.  His mother had
to smack him around to be honest with her.  He didn't walk onto the field
and say, Ôhey I'm gay and I can play kick ass football.  I'm here and I'm
playing'.  No he didn't, did he?"

"No."

"So, if that means someone has shame, then he has it too.  And I'll tell
you this.  He's a shit ass coward.  If he loved you, he'd be standing right
beside you if Dad found out.  God, what an ass," he yelled into the phone.
"You are not a coward."

"Yes I am."

"Josh, you put yourself between Dad and me when I was getting beaten.
You've stood up to Dad over and over.  As far as not telling him that
you're gay, I'd say you're damn smart.  If a person doesn't walk onto the
highway and stand in the middle lane of on coming traffic, it doesn't mean
he's a coward.  It means he's knows trouble when he sees it and stay out of
the way."

"But I fucked it up.  I must have."  I started crying.  "I feel sick."  I
dropped the phone, ran to the bathroom and puked.  When I was able to get
back to the bed I was surprised that Kevin was still on the line.  "Okay,
listen to me," he said.  "I think you should talk to Mom."

"About what?"

"About being gay and about John.  She should know."

"You're nuts.  Mom?  No, I can't.  She'd be so disappointed in me."

"Josh, she knows.  She told you she knows.  She was telling you to trust
her.  I think she knows about me, too."

"So, then why didn't you tell her?"

"I'm going to call her now and tell her.  Then will you tell her?"

"No don't.  Why do you want me to tell her?  No I can't.  I can't."

"If I come down there Dad is going to want to know why.  I can't think of a
good reason.  He's going to know you're fucked up and I come down.  He's
going to want to know what's going on.  You can't come up here, you need to
finish your class."

"I'm fine.  I don't need to talk to anyone."  I hung up on him.

He called back.  "Okay, you listen to me.  Don't ever do that again.  I
swear I'll come down there and beat you bad."

"No you won't."

"Yeah, your right, but."

I can't tell her.  I can't look her in the face and tell her.  I think
she'll cry.  I can't make her cry."  I started crying.  "I can't make
someone else mad at me."

"Josh.  Mom knows.  That's why she said what she said."  Silence.  "Do you
trust me?"

There's that word, I thought.  "Yes, of course."

"Let me call her and tell her what's going on.  You know you want her to
know.  You know someday you're going to tell her."  Silence.  "She won't
tell Dad.  Is that what you're thinking?"

"How do you know?"

"Mom keeps everyone's secrets.  Believe me, she has a list and no one ever
hears anything that's on that list."

"You have secrets that I don't know about?"

"Three years ago.  The Acura.  Remember the passenger side fender was all
smashed in."

"Yeah, she hit something.  The garage pulling out or something."

"I did it.  I came home after a game drunk.  I pulled into the garage and
hit the side of the garage.  Dad was asleep in the den.  Mom was waiting
up.  Josh, I was never so scared.  She told me to go to bed.  She pulled
the car into the garage so that Dad wouldn't see it when he left in the
morning.  Then she told him she did it.  Alex is on her list and so is
Steve."

"That's not being gay."

"But she knows.  She's just waiting for you to tell her.  Trust me.  Even
Alex thinks she knows."

"If it gets fucked up, then you'll come down here and take me up there?"

"Yes. Dad won't be home for a couple of hours. Go take a shower, brush your
teeth, pull yourself together and then go downstairs and talk to her."


I brushed my teeth.  I took a shower.  I dressed.  I wondered why I was
telling her.  I sat on my bed.  I called Kevin.  "Wait a minute.  Why am I
telling her?  I don't understand why."

"Just do it and call me back.  Josh, trust me."  God, I hate that word, I
thought.  "You can't miss classes.  You have to pass this class or you
won't be here in September."

"But telling her doesn't help anything."

"Josh, this isn't a standing on the highway facing on coming traffic thing.
This is a reaching out and trusting someone who loves you thing.  And right
now I think you need to have someone to talk to.  Someone like Mom.  Trust
me, please."

"I'll call you back," I said.

"Josh, I love you.  I'm going to tell Mom that I'm gay the next time I'm
home.  I should have told her before.  It isn't fair that you're doing this
first.  But I think you should tell her."

I went downstairs.  She was reading in the den.  I stood in the doorway,
looking at her.  "I was just going to make myself a cup of tea.  Join me,"
she said.  I followed her into the kitchen.  I sat down at the table.  She
put water in the kettle.  She sat down facing me.

I looked at her and started crying.  Tears just poured from my eyes.  She
stood, moved close to me and pulled my head to her.  I wrapped my arms
around her waist and wept.  She stoked my head.  I looked up at her.  I saw
tears.  "No, Mom, please don't cry.  Please."

"My tears are because you are in pain.  You think when you boys hurt it
doesn't hurt me.  I love you," she said, stroking my head.  "You boys are
my life and you are my baby."

I sobbed, sitting, embracing her.  "I fell in love," I sobbed.

"I know," she said.

"Mom, I'm gay.  It was with John."

"I know," she said.

I looked up at her.  "How?  How can you know?"

She smiled.  "I saw the way he looked at you and then the way you looked at
him.  What happened?"

The kettle whistled.  She made us tea as I told her what happened starting
from when he told me he was gay.  I left all the sex out, but told her that
our friendship turned into us being boyfriends.  She listened.  I told her
what happened at the prom.  When I told her about what John said on the
phone she looked angry.

"That boy dares walks in this house again, I'll cut his balls off," she
said.

I half smiled.  "Don't worry, he won't be here."

"I'm not worried.  He better worry."

We talked, drank tea and talked.  I saw her checking the time.  "You're dad
will be home in about twenty minutes.  When we hear him, go to your room.
I'll tell him you've got a stomach bug."

Tears filled my eyes.  "Thank you, Mom."

"You don't know your uncles, your father's brothers.  Robert, his younger
brother, is gay."  I felt shocked.  No one ever talked about Robert.  I
couldn't even remember the last time I heard his name.  "When his father
found out he went into a rage and beat him.  He wasn't a boy.  He was in
grad school.  He threw Robert out and told him never to come home again.

"Your uncle David was pretty upset about Robert being beaten and thrown
out.  Your father didn't say much about it.  Thanksgiving came.  David and
his wife and their son, me, your father and Alex were invited for dinner at
your grandparents.  Words were said.  David was angry about how Robert had
been and was being treated.  Robert was going to have to drop out of
college, but David helped him out so he could get his degree.

David said something to his father."  She paused.  "It got bad.  Real bad,
shouting.  Your grandfather pulled off his belt.  David said, "Old man you
even try that shit with me and I'll take it from you and beat you until you
bleed.

"Of course he wouldn't have, but that was years of abusing talking back.
Your father took up for his father.  I tried to keep your father out of it,
but you know his temper.  David told your father to shut up.  Your father
hit him.  Hit him hard."

"Where was Alex?"

"He was only months old.  Your grandfather told David to take his family
and leave and never come back."

"David, standing at the door, said to his father, Ôwhen the day comes that
you want to mend fences with me, mend them with Robert first.  Until then
your are dead to me."

"Wow."

"Then he said to your father, Ôhe's a backward old man, with backward
attitudes.  You should know better.  No matter what happens, you are dead
to me."

"Oh wow.  What happened to them?"

"Well, David and his family lived about an hour from here.  But a few years
later, after Robert graduated, David moved to Hawaii.  He has two sons and
a daughter.  He's an accountant.  Robert lives about ten miles from here."

"No way.  Ten miles.  And Dad hasn't ever talked to him?"

"No," she said, shaking her head.  "Robert and his partner have a nice
house near the hills.  Robert teaches Literature at the community college.
His partner, Mark, also teaches."

"How do you know all this?"

"I met your father through Robert.  He and I were friends.  We met in
college.  I knew he was gay.  I never told your father or your grandfather.
He went on to graduate school.  That's when your grandfather found out.  We
still talk."

"You talk to him?"

"We have lunch once a month or so."  I shook my head.  I never thought of
my mother having a life other than being my mother.  She smiled at me.
"He's come to watch you play.  He's come to watch Alex and Kevin and Steve
play."

"Really?  And Dad didn't see him?"

"He's seen him.  He questioned me once about it.  He tried to lay down the
law with me.  You know how he gets.  We had a talk.  That's the last time
he mentioned it."

I kept shaking my head.

"He's a very handsome man.  You look a lot like him.  And don't think your
father hasn't noticed that and remarked to me about it.  David and your
father pretty much cowered when your grandfather got angry.  Robert, the
youngest, stood his ground," she said and smiled.

I don't know why but my eyes filled with tears.  She reached across the
table and took my hand.  "He's a good man.  You should get to know him
before you leave.  He'd love that and I think you'd enjoy getting to know
him.  I know he'd love to be part of your life."

"He should meet Kevin and Alex.  They're not weird about people being gay."

"What about Steve?"

"Yeah, him too."  She looked at me questioningly.  "He thinks its wrong to
be gay."

"Well then you should meet him and you can introduce him to Alex and
Kevin."

We heard my father's car.  "Go upstairs.  I'll bring you dinner."

We both stood.  I pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead.  "I love
you, Mom."

"Go upstairs.  If you talk to that boy again, tell him he's not welcome in
my house."

I went upstairs.  I sat on my bed.  I wasn't sure why but I felt better.  I
didn't feel happy, but I felt okay.  I thought about John and still felt
sad, but not hurting like I was.

My phone chimed.  It was Alex.  "Hey," I said.

"I talked to Kevin," he said.  "John is dead meat.  I never liked him.  Did
you tell Mom?"

"Yes."

"She's fine with it, right?

"Let's see if Kevin can talk.  I don't want to say all this twice."  We got
Kevin on the line.  I told them everything.

"I knew she'd be fine," Kevin said.  "You are so NOT a coward.  Damn, Josh,
you deserve someone so much better than John."

"Let's forget John," Alex said.  "Are you going to meet Robert?"

"Yeah, I think so.  It's kind of cool that he came to our games."

"Yeah, it is," Alex said.

Kevin laughed.

"What?" I said.

"Mom said that Dad questioned her once and never again.  Go Mom.  Wouldn't
you love to have heard that conversation?  I want to meet him when I come
down.  We can meet him and his partner."

"Yeah, I'd like that," Alex said.

"I'll tell him that," I said.

My mom brought up my dinner.  More soup.  The bowl was overflowing with her
homemade noodles ÐI love them.  "If you can't sleep, come and get me," she
said.  "You have school tomorrow."

Zack, I thought, feeling my stomach churn.  I called him and told him I was
feeling better.  "I'm picking you up early, around 6:45 and we're going to
breakfast."

Silence.

"Okay.  I'll be ready.  Just tell me you're okay and this isn't bad."

We went to my favorite breakfast place near the school.  They opened at
seven.  We had to wait.  Once inside I found a booth in the corner.  We
ordered.  "Okay, what's up?  This is bad, I can tell."

"No, it's not bad.  You know that I'm close to my brothers."

"Something happened."

"Okay, just shut up and listen.  I tell them everything.  They tell me
everything.  Things that if my father found out, well, let's just say there
would be trouble.  We never tell on each other."  He nodded.  "There's
something that I've told them, and last night I told my mother, that when
my dad finds out there is going to be trouble."

"What is it?"

"You're my best friend," I said.  I sighed loudly.

"You got someone pregnant.  Fuck, is Caitlyn pregnant?"

"No.  Just listen."  I looked around.  "You're going to be angry at me for
not telling you.  I'm sorry I didn't but."  I felt sick.  Why are these
words so hard to say, I wondered.  I looked at him.  "I'm gay."

He stared at me.  He looked shocked.  "You're gay?"

"You can't tell anyone.  You can't tell Samantha.  If you do, she'll tell
Gary who will tell someone else and then my father will hear about it.  If
he does, I'll be beat and thrown out."

"You're gay?"  I nodded.  He sighed.  "I promise I won't tell anyone."  He
shook his head.  "I understand why you didn't tell me, but you could have."

"Why do you think I didn't?"

"Because I run at the mouth."  He shook his head, looking sad.  "I'd never
get you into trouble.  Never."

"I know, but other than my brothers, actually, I told Alex's girlfriend and
his roommate, but they don't know my father.  And I'll probably tell him
once I'm out of the house and on my own.  It just couldn't happen now."



"John," he said, his mouth hanging open.  "You told John."

"He told me he was gay."  I told him the story about John leaving Michigan.

"Yesterday.  So, you were upset because."  He sighed.  "You two had a
thing?" he asked.

I gave him the quick version and told him what John said the day before.
"You can't say stuff about him.  People might put things together."

"I knew he was gay.  I knew it.  And I told you he was an asshole.  I knew
it the first time I met him."

"Yeah, you told me you know a gay guy when you see one.  Something about
having radar."

He smiled.  "I always wondered what that big blip on my radar was.  I
thought it was some kind of interference."  We laughed.

"Are you angry at me?" I asked.

"No.  I get it.  But I am jealous."  I smiled.  "Not of John, although," he
smiled.  "I'm jealous of your brothers."

"Well, you're my very best non-brother friend.  So, tell me," I said.
"What's going on with you and the drum player?"

He sighed.  "Well, as you know he graduated.  Anyway, it wasn't like we
were boyfriends, more like friends with benefits, lots of benefits.  He's
going to State."  He looked at me.  "I'm going to miss you more than I'll
miss him."

"We'll stay in touch.  I'll see you when I come down for Thanksgiving and
Christmas.  We'll hang out."

"I'm going to apply to the university.  They give band scholarships."

"Fantastic," I said smiling.  "That's great."

We went to class.  I still felt sad when I thought about John.  My stomach
ached.  Tears filled my eyes.  But I felt close to Zack, like we had been
when we were kids.

Each morning, when I picked him up, he'd get in my car and say, "Repeat
after me.  John is an asshole.  Come on.  John is an asshole."  He wouldn't
stop until I repeated it several times.

I told my mother I wanted to have lunch with my uncle.  She asked if I
wanted her to come along.  I decided I would rather meet him alone.  "Do
you want me to call him and arrange it?" she asked.

"No.  I'll do it.  What's his number?"  She pulled out her cell phone.  He
had a cell number, his office number at the college and a home number.  I
tried his cell.  It went to voicemail.  "I didn't leave a message," I said.
"I'm not sure what I'd say."

"Call his home number.  It's Saturday, he won't be at the school."

I dialed.  "Hello," a voice said.

"Hi, Uncle Robert?"

There was a pause.  "Ah, no, this is Mark.  Who's calling?"

"This is Josh.  My dad is his,"

"Josh?  Is your mother okay?"

"Yes, she is fine.  We are all fine.  Is he there?"

"No, he's teaching a summer school class.  They have a Saturday lab.  He
likes to stop in on the labs from time to time.  He's going to kick himself
for missing your call.  Can I help?"

"My mother and I had a long talk last week.  Ah, she told me about what
happened.  How my father's father treated him and why.  She told me that
he's come to my games and stuff."

"Yes, we have.  We were at your graduation too."

I felt touched by what he said.  "Really?  Well, I called because I'd like
to meet him, maybe have lunch or something."

"His cell number is,"

"I called it.  It went to voicemail."

"Okay, well, he said he'd be home at three.  I can give him your number or
you could call back."

"I'll call back."

"Josh, you don't know how much this is going to mean to him.  He and I have
watched you and your brothers grow up from afar.  I'm so happy you called.
Can I speak to your mother?"

I gave her my phone.

They chatted for a while and said goodbye.  "They're good people.  His
heart aches over not having family around."

"Doesn't he ever see Uncle David?"

"Yes.  They travel once a year, usually for a holiday.  But we're just
minutes away."  She smiled at me.  "You have a generous heart.  I'm proud
of you."

My dad came home.  I went to my room and called.  He answered.  "Josh?"

"Yes.  I called earlier,"

"Yes, Mark told me."

"I was wondering if we could have lunch sometime?"

"Yes," he said.  "When is good for you?"

"Well I really can't during the week.  I'm taking a class, my last high
school class. I graduated early, but I needed one more class."

"I was at your graduation.  You gave a wonderful speech.  I watched your
mom, dad and brothers while you gave it.  They were beaming."

"Ah, well, during the week is hard, because of my class and then I have
work right after that.  So, either on the weekend or when my class is over
in three weeks."

"The weekend is fine with me," he said.  "Either Saturday or Sunday.
Whatever works out best for you."

"Either is fine with me."

"Is tomorrow too soon."

"No, actually, tomorrow would be great," I said.  "Where do you want to
meet?"

"Okay, well, there's several places, depending on what you like, or if
you're not too uncomfortable, we can have lunch here.  I have a beautiful
patio and the weather is nice."

"That sounds great."

He gave me the address.  We set a time.  I hung up feeling excited.  When I
went downstairs to tell my mother, she was outside sitting on the patio,
talking on her cell.  She saw me and smiled.  When she hung up, she said,
"You're going to love his house."

I went to his house after church.  My mother said I should bring something.
"I can't by wine," I said.  She told me what kind of ice cream he loves.  I
stopped and bought a quart of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia.  I did feel
nervous walking up to his house.  I knocked.

The door opened.  I wondered if I would recognize him from the games.  He
opened the door and smiled.  I could see the resemblance.  He was about my
height and looked to be in very good shape.  His hair was dark brown but
there were touches of grey on the sides.  "Hi Josh," he said, putting out
his hand.

"Hi," I said, shaking his hand.

"Mark had to run an errand.  He'll be back in about an hour.  That'll give
us time to have lunch," he said.

"Great," I said.  "My mom says this is your favorite."

He smiled and took the ice cream from me.  "Let me show you the house."

It was nice Ðmodern, big, a lot of windows that looked out onto the
backyard.  He had a big pool, a patio and a view of the hills.  There was
art on the walls and classical music was playing.  The kitchen was big and
modern.  "Your mother told me what you like for lunch.  I hope I got it
right."

"Your house is beautiful."

We went out onto the patio.  He had the table set.  "I made the salads.
She said you eat healthy and that you love Cob salads when you order from
Cheesecake factory. So, it's my version of that."

"It looks great," I said, sitting.

"I can't tell you how happy I am to meet you.  I know you're mother told
you all about what happened.  And she told me that you just told her that
you are gay."  I nodded.  "Your mother is a saint.  My concern has always
been your father, my brother.  As much as I wanted to get to know you and
your brothers, she and I were concerned with how your father would react.
Plus, she feared that if you knew what happened, you'd have ill feelings
toward your grandparents."

"I don't refer to them as my grandparents. I tried to respect them when
they are around, because of my father, but.  Well, lets just say that
nothing that my mother told me surprised me."

"Well, that's there doing.  I never wanted to be a reason for ill feelings.
But, anyway, tell me about yourself.  I know you're very smart.  And you're
athletic."  I smiled, thinking about my typical comebacks.  "What are your
plans for college, your major in college?  Tell me about your brothers."

We talked, ate and talked some more.  He told me how he met my mother.  I
liked hearing him praise her.  I asked him what it was like growing up with
my dad.  "None of us were close," he said.  "It was not the type of family
that allowed for closeness.  Very religious.  Very superficial.  No room
for emotions.  Abusive."  He looked at me.  "I never blamed your father for
how he responded.  I really wasn't close to David until after I came out.
Actually, I was surprised it went the way it did.  Your father and I were
closer than David and I.  David and your father always were antagonistic
toward each other.  I think me being gay just brought it all to a head and
created a breach.  People took sides.  I tell myself that if it wasn't that
it would have eventually been something else."

I told him that I was very close to Alex and Kevin and how they played the
part of big brother.  I explained that Steve and I were not close.  I
didn't say more about that.  I did tell him that Alex and Kevin wanted to
meet him and Mark when they next came to town.

He seemed genuinely touched.

I sipped my water.  Robert drank his wine.  We were done with our salads
and talking, when I heard someone say, "Dessert time."

I looked toward the door.  A good looking man, about Robert's age came out
carrying three bowls of ice cream.  He put them down on the table, put out
his hand and said, "Josh, I'm Mark."

Mark was funny. We ate ice cream and talked.  He told stories about coming
to the football games, graduations and how Robert would tear up.  "One
night we were at one of your JV games.  We were sitting with your mother.
After your game we moved because you always came to sit with her for the
varsity game.  We were sitting behind her a bit to her left.  You were
sitting to her right.  It was the game where the varsity was losing.  Kevin
and Steve were playing."  I tried to remember the game.  "They put in the
field goal team to tie it up instead of letting Kevin go for it."

"They missed the field goal," I said.

"Yeah, and you stood up and shouted, ÔThey should retire your ass old
man'."

"Yeah, I guess I did say that," I said, raising my eyebrows.  I felt my
face warm.

"I want you to know that your uncle laughed for two days over that.  We
went out with some friend to dinner.  He told them the story and laughed
and laughed."

We smiled at each other.

I told Mark that Kevin and Alex wanted to meet them.  He looked at Robert,
smiled and then said to me, "Your mother always told your uncle that this
day would come."

We talked a bit more and then I said, "Well, I should go."



"I'm sorry this took so long to happen," Robert said, standing.  "But I'm
happy it did.  If you ever need to talk about anything, please call."

"Anytime, day or night," Mark said.  "We are family."

I drove home feeling good.  I never knew a gay couple before.  I knew of
strangers how were out and gay ÐTV stars who came out, armed forces men and
women fighting against DADT.  But I never knew any successful adults
personally.  They had been together for seventeen years.  They had a life
together, a house, cars, they took vacations.  They were probably boring
like my parents and my friends' parents. Cool, I thought.

My final was approaching and so was the day I would leave home.  I was
excited.  I still thought of John, especially at night when I'd go to
sleep.  I still felt sad, lonely, confused and I was starting to feel angry
at him.  I'd sit with my mother and have breakfast and almost every
morning, she'd say "Are you angry yet?"  I shrug.  "You should be.  Nothing
you did deserves what he did and the way he did it."  It was nice having
her on my side.

I talked to my uncle Robert.  He thanked me again for reaching out to them.
He told me that he and Mark sometimes drive north to go skiing and
sometimes are in the area of the university.  He wanted to know if he could
take us to dinner.  I thought that was a great idea.

Zack was great.  Our friendship has always been good, but changed over
time.  This brought us closer again.  He knows music.  This class was an
easy A for him.  He was helping me.  The week of the final, I spent time at
his house.  He's into all kinds of music and he and his mother had an
unbelievable collection of CD's.  After work, I camped out at his house
with him, studying for our final.

We did study, but Zack is a talker.  After a couple of hours of running
through music we had listened to in class, it was time for a break.  I was
sitting on the floor, my back against his bed, my class notes around me.
"I owe you for all your help," I said.

"Yeah, like you need the grade."

"Wouldn't want to fuck up my straight A's," I said smiling.

"You owe me a peak, too," he said.  I laughed.  "It's not fair.  I'm your
best friend and I haven't seen you naked since middle school.  All these
other guys, straight guys, and that asshole John, have seen you.  Even Sam
got to have a look."

I laughed.  "You're funny," I said.  He stared at me.  "You're serious."

"No, I get it," he said.

I looked at him and smiled.  "I'm not taking off my clothes if you're
keeping yours on," I said.

He looked at me.  "Really?"  He stood up and was about to take off his
shirt.  "You're serious?"

"Yeah, sure.  Why not," I said.  "But you go first."

He stared at me for a second.  He pulled his shirt over his head.  I stood
up and pulled my shirt off.  "You've got pecs," I said.  "Nice." I touched
his chest.

"Hey, I'm in good shape.  You know all that marching around is a workout."
We laughed.

He stared at my chest and stomach.  "Nice," he said.  He touched my chest.
He touched my stomach.  "Wow, nice abs," he said.

"You want to see abs, you have to see Kevin's.  He's got abs."

"Yours are good."

His chest was smooth and his stomach was flat.  I unbuttoned his shorts.
He watched my hands.  I unzipped them and let them fall to the floor.  I
was wearing a pair of Abercrombie cargo shorts with a pull-string that tied
at the waist.  He unbuttoned them, untied the pull-string and let them fall
to the floor.  I stepped out of them.

I glanced down.  His boxers were tented.  "Now what do we have here," I
said, pressing my hand against his erection.  My cock was now hard.  He
grabbed the waistband of my boxer briefs and pulled them town.  "Ta Da," I
said.  "Look, it's a penis."

"Damn," he said.  "If that's what you call a penis then what do you call
what I have?"

I pulled his boxers down.  "Hey, you're about the same thickness as I am."

"Yeah, but about a couple of inches shorter," he said.

"Not a couple."  He pressed tight against me and put his dick along side
mine, holding both of them.  "Maybe an inch and a half," I said.

I walked over to his bed and lay down.  He sat beside me, took hold of my
cock and stroked it.  "I'm a bottom," he said.  "I have condoms.  My mother
won't be home for about an hour."

"Sounds good," I said, reaching for his cock.

We lay beside each other watching each other touch and stroke.  He moved
and went down on me.  I watched him giving me head.  I pulled him up and
then went down on him.

He got up, opened a drawer and returned to the bed with lube and condoms.
I lay back and watched him roll a condom over my cock.  Then he lay down
beside me.  I rolled over and knelt between his legs.  He spread them wide
and pulled them to his chest.  We looked at each other as I pressed into
him.  He sighed loudly.

I fucked him.  I pulled him tight against me as I sat on my knees and began
thrusting.  He moaned.  I ran my hands up his thighs, over his crotch and
chest.  I moved my hand to his cock.  I made small thrusts as I stroked his
cock with one hand and played with his chest with the other.  He stopped
me.

We changed positions a couple of times, but wound up with him on his back
but me half standing beside the bed leaning over him and fucking him.  It
surprised me when be brought his legs to his chest and then lock his feet
behind his head.  I began fucking him hard.  He was obviously close.  He
was grunting and aiming his cock at his open mouth.

"Fuck me, fuck me," he moaned.

I watched as cum streamed from his cock to his mouth, landing on his lips
and tongue.

"Fuck," I said, stopping.

"No, keep fucking me, but I want to see you come.  Pull out when you're
going to come."

I kept fucking him.  I pulled out, pulled the condom off, stroked my cock,
and aiming it at his ass.  My legs were shaking and my cum went everywhere,
most of it landing on his legs, face and hair.

"Fuck," he said.  "When was the last time you jerked off?"

"Last night," I said, collapsing beside him.

He smiled at me.  "Now I can say that I was fucked by the quarterback."

"Asshole.  You were fucked my your best friend."

We showered together, soaping each other.  We stood in his room drying
ourselves.  He never took his eyes off of me.  I smiled at him.  "That was
fun," I said.

"You know, not only was John an asshole, but he was really stupid for
letting you go."

"Why? Because I have a big dick?"

"No, asshole.  Because you are one of the nicest guys I know."  I smiled.
Then he mumbled, "and because you have a big dick."  We laughed.

Lying in bed that night, it occurred to me that there were different types
of sex.  Making love sex, wild sex, gentle relaxed sex, curiosity sex, and
fun sex with a friend.  I had heard of angry sex, but hadn't had it yet.
If John were here right now, I thought, I could have angry sex.

I took my final.  I did well.

My move in date at the dorms was the second week of September for freshman
orientation.  Kevin and his roommate, James, decided to get an apartment in
the same building as Alex and Greg.  The apartment was available on
September 1st.  James wasn't going to move in until the week that classes
started.  Kevin, who was again, living with Alex for the summer said, "How
about if I come down with the MDX and get your stuff and you can move in
with me until the dorms open."

"I think Mom and Dad want to drive me."

"Okay, so let me call her and suggest that they drive you up early.  I'll
tell them that you can buy your books, maybe start your work study and earn
a little extra and get the hang of the place.  Then Alex an I will move you
into the dorms."

"Okay, call her.  See what she says."

He called me back.  "Okay, here's what we're doing.  I told her I could use
your help moving me in and stuff.  She said I should drive down and pick
you up and take some of your stuff with us.  Then she wants to drive up
with Dad the weekend the dorms open.  They want to meet Kim and they want
to move you into the dorms."

"Great, so when are you coming down?"

"I can't this weekend.  I'll drive down the Saturday after.  I have stuff I
want to do on Sunday.  Call Robert and see if we can have lunch with them
on Monday. We'll drive back up on Tuesday.  Wednesday my apartment is
available and we can move me in and sleep there."

"Is that guy you were dating going to be around?"

"I don't know.  We haven't really stayed in touch over the summer.  He said
he'd call me when he got back.  It's not like that.  It's just an easy kind
of dating thing.  Nothing serious.  Why?"

"Just wondering."

He chuckled.  "I'm open to us having a good time if you are."

"Yeah, I guess you could talk me into it," I said and chuckled.

"Okay, so what is it?  Ten days until I'm down there.  Then we'll have
what, nine or ten days here just you and me."

"I think that might be enough time," I said.  He laughed.  "I'll call them
about work study and see if they want me early."



Well, once again, a good place to stop.  Thank you for hanging in there
with my story.  I really do appreciate all of you and the kind emails.
Well, most of them are kind.

Josh