Date: Thu, 21 Jul 2011 20:47:34 +0100
From: Kyro Clark <kyro3@hotmail.co.uk>
Subject: Glitter and Trauma 8

==============================================================================
Disclaimer.

This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real
life experiences of the author.

This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two
adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and
depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone
where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone
under the age of 18.

The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This
story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the
explicit consent of the author.

===============================================================================
Authors note.

Send any feedback to:          kyro3@hotmail.co.uk

I SURVIVED T IN THE PARK!!!!!!! :D :D When you go to a music festival with
my friends, it really is an achievement to come back... alive, so excuse me
while I give myself a HUGE pat on the back :D Anyway, as usual I want to
say thanks to everyone for all the feedback. I don't know what it was about
the last chapter but It obviously struck a chord with everyone as I got A
LOT more feedback on that chapter than what I usually do with most
people(if not all) wanting to talk about Ben. I'm not going to give
anything away here or in emails but it's fun teasing people :D

Apologies for the time it took to get this chapter out but like I said, T
in the park! I've also managed to blag myself a job for the summer
(Result!) so I probably won't be able to release any more than one chapter
per week (although I will strive to do more). Huge thanks to my editor
again for his careful and precise work.

This idea of this chapter is to set things up for the next two chapters so
I'll do my best to get them out ASAP! This one, as the name suggests, is
full of questions. I can't wait to hear everyone's take on what's going on
and hear their 'wild stabs' at some of the answers. :D

Thanks in advance :D
=============================================================================

RECAP:

"Sounds good. So you got the better of Ben in an argument, you had coffee
with Ryan, and you set- up a night out with Ryan on Saturday," Alex
summarised.

"Yes," I said monotonously.

"So why are you still unhappy?"

I sighed again before I took a deep breath, "I like Ryan," I confessed.

Alex nodded his head as he continued eating his fish and chips. He didn't
seem bothered at all by my confession.

"I mean, I really like Ryan. You know," I said nodding my head.

"I get you," Alex said offended. "Just because you're gay and I'm straight
doesn't mean I don't' know what 'I like him' means.

I sighed again, "When we were talking over coffee I said that I knew he was
uncomfortable around me because he was straight and I was gay. He didn't
correct me. He's straight," I said defeated.

"You barely know him. When you first met Ben you didn't tell him that you
were gay. In fact, you never told him at all, he just found out."

"Story of my life," I muttered under my breath.

"My point is, you've just met the guy, and he may be uncomfortable coming
out to you the same way you were uncomfortable coming out to Ben."

"Not everyone is as socially retarded as me," I whined.

"You really do need to overcome your shyness," Alex pointed out.

"I'll stop being shy if you stop being tall."

=============================================================================
Glitter & Trauma
Chapter  8 - Questions, Questions, Questions!
By Kyro

I took my seat at the first lecture of the day with Alex sitting next to
me. The lecture room was warm and stuffy so I took my zipper off as I sat
down.  I made eye contact with Ben when I walked in and noticed he was
sitting by himself. He looked lonely and part of me wanted to sit next to
him, but he also still looked upset and annoyed. I had apologised to him
but I hadn't given him any answers as to why I lied to him in the first
place. I fear I only made matters worse yesterday when I threw an insult or
two at him after I lost my temper. Not my finest hour. I also noticed that
sitting at the front of the room was Danny and Ryan and they were talking
to Angela and Laura. I had never seen Danny or Ryan talk to any of them
before and I felt a bit uptight seeing them together for some reason.

"Did you see Ben?" Alex asked snapping me out of my lull.

"Yes."

"I think he saw you too."

"I'm pretty sure he did," I sighed.

"Do you think he'll forgive you and apologise for being so hard on you?"

"It's me who's in the wrong. I was the one who lied to him."

"But you've apologised already, and now he's the one acting like a
dick. Sitting next to Laura and Angela in that lab yesterday, he lied
straight to my fucking face and said that they weren't his friends. Isn't
that why he's so annoyed with you? Isn't he behaving a little bit like a
fucking hypocrite?"

I couldn't help but smile at Alex's wholehearted defence of me; he really
was becoming a good friend, "I guess."

"Then he should apologise."

"Not likely, remember I was sort of short with him yesterday," I pointed
out.

Alex snickered as I said this.

"Really, you're making dwarf jokes?" I asked in mock disgust.

Alex continued to grin at me while we got our pens and pads out of our
bags.

"What was going on in your room last night anyway?" Alex enquired.

"What do you mean?"

"I heard shouting at about half three this morning. I'm sure it came from
your room."

I felt the heat rise in my face. He was right, there was shouting this
morning and it had come from my room. I had a nightmare again and this time
I was shouting when I awoke.

"I heard it too but I thought it came from you or John's room," I lied.

"Hmm... fuck it; it probably came from one of the neighbours or something."

We sat through the lecture with Alex paying little or no attention to what
the lecturer was saying. At first he was doodling on his pad and then when
this got tiresome, he decided he'd try and balance the pen on its nib by
spinning it round like a basketball. Judging by the look on the lecturers
face, this was a pretty folly idea.  After the lecture was finished, we
made our way to the exit where Ryan and Danny walked towards us.

"Hey," Ryan grunted as he sped past.

I furrowed my brow as I reacted to what had just happened. Did he give me
the cold shoulder? Was it something to do with Laura and Angela? What had
just happened? He seemed really unfriendly. I looked up at Alex whose face
was scrunched up deep in thought.

"Do you wanna tell me what that was all about?" I asked Alex.

"I'm not exactly sure."

"But you have an idea," I pressed.

"Sort of."

"Care to share?" I asked.

"Not yet."

I exhaled heavily, "Whatever," I said annoyed.

I had become quite irritated lately. Part of it was due to the lack of
sleep I was getting, and the other part was due to all the furore and
secrets I was surrounded by. It was becoming tiresome having to constantly
remember what I could or couldn't say, and to whom. I have to remember not
to tell anyone that Ben is gay or that Alex is rich or that he doesn't see
his parents. I've got a so-called friend who is probably at this given
moment in time behind me, staring at the back of my skull hoping that it
will explode. I have Alex and Ryan pretending to be friends and all the
while, I've got my own problems.

The situation with Alex and Ryan was really infuriating me though. I wanted
to be Ryan's friend but it seemed that every time I got close to him, a
circumstance popped up and put some distance between us. Alex had trusted
me enough to tell me about his family, why didn't he trust me enough to
tell me what was going on with him and Ryan? Surely it can't be more
personal than what he's going through with his family?

 "Don't sulk," Alex teased.

"I'm not sulking," I said indignantly.

The next three lectures went by in a blur. I sat and mulled over the
incident with Ryan. The truth is, Alex had known Ryan for far longer than
me and there could have been any number of reasons as to why they weren't
getting on. I just didn't know but Ryan didn't have to be so disinclined
towards me; I hadn't done anything. When the final lecture was over, I
walked with Alex towards his lab before we parted ways and I headed towards
the library to finish the lab report.

As I was walking towards the library I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I
jumped out of my skin. I turned round to see Ben standing there.

"Jesus fucking Christ, what is your problem? Did your mum and dad not give
you fucking lessons in etiquette? You don't just go around fucking creeping
up on people!" I vented.

Ben's face hardened as I let my mouth run a little too freely. "I want to
finish the report, it's my work too and I should help," he said adamantly.

I exhaled heavily to try and steady myself and regain my temper, "fine,
whatever. I'm heading to the library to finish it just now," I barked. The
adrenaline flowing in my veins was not allowing my voice to return to
normal.

"I've got my laptop with me," he motioned to his right hand. "Why don't we
go to October's again?  It's closer," he said curtly.

I didn't want to get into another argument with Ben and the prospect of
being able to drink some coffee while I worked seemed like a good idea.

 "Whatever," I replied.

We walked together in silence with me pacing slightly ahead of him. We got
inside the café and both ordered coffees before we sat at the same seats as
last week. The aroma of the coffee calmed and soothed the fire flowing
through my veins. I felt myself begin to relax. Once we had been served our
drinks I took the work from last week out of my bag and sat it on the table
while Ben booted up his laptop. I looked across at Ben for a second and he
seemed a lot less incensed. Sure, he still seemed slightly angry, but he
wasn't giving off a vibe of pure hatred and disgust like he was in our last
two encounters. He just seemed disgruntled.

I took a sip of my coffee and felt the warmth trickling down my throat. I
felt much calmer now that the adrenaline was out of my system and I started
to regret what I had said to Ben a few minutes ago. "I'm sorry about what I
said earlier," I began. Ben kept looking at his laptop screen and
completely ignored me. I shook my head in annoyance, "It was you who said
you wanted to be here to finish this, I could have done it myself. If
you're just gonna sit there and ignore me than why even bother coming here
in the first place?"

"Did you tell anyone?"  Ben asked barely louder than a whisper through
clenched teeth.

"What?" I asked perplexed.

"Did-you-tell-anyone?" He asked again this time slightly louder.

"Tell anyone what?" I asked screwing my face up in confusion.

"About me," he barked.

"About you..." I paused unsure as to what he meant at first before I
realised, "being gay?"

"Keep your voice down," he hissed.

"No, I never told anyone." I answered indignantly.

"Not even Alex?"

"Not even Alex." I mirrored.

Ben looked back at his laptop but I could tell he wasn't reading the
screen, he was thinking about what I had just said.

"Now it's my turn to ask a question."

"This isn't a Q and A," Ben replied bitterly. I ignored this and pressed
on.

"Has anyone ever asked you before if you were gay?"

"No."

I was hoping that the answer to that question would have been yes but I
continued anyway. "If someone did ask you if you were gay, what would your
answer be?"

"Probably no."

"So you would lie?"

"That's not the same as what you did," he said raising his voice before
leaning in closer to me. "You already knew I was gay. You had nothing to
fear from me, you knew that I was going to accept you."  Bens face was
turning red with anger but I wasn't about to back down.

"It wasn't about being accepted. You backed me into a corner when you asked
if I was gay. You gave me no option."

"So this is my fault? Here's an option, try telling the truth," he spat.

"Unlike you, I wasn't ready. You came out to someone of your choosing at a
time that suited you.  You took that away from me when you asked if I was
gay."

"You could have trusted me," he said dejectedly while leaning back in his
chair and looking at his laptop. "My turn now; are you and Alex together?"

I frowned at his question, "No, we're just good friends, he's straight."

"So you don't wanna screw him then?"

"No - we're just good friends," I repeated.

"You could have fooled me."

"What does that mean?"

"You told him you were gay, you spend all your time with him, and to top it
all off, you take his side in an argument even though he's wrong."

"I don't spend all my time with him. You said yourself that I'm not exactly
Mister Popular so why shouldn't I spend time with the few people who want
to spend time with me?"

"You must have more friends than Alex, why is he so special?"

Ben's last words caught me off guard and I paused for a moment while I
thought of an answer, "Who I'm friends with doesn't really have anything to
do with you because as you pointed out so clearly, you and I aren't
friends. My private life is my business and mine alone. And I never took
Alex's side in any argument. Alex and I fell out over how he was treating
you before the party. We made it up and then we fell out again after the
way he treated you at the party."

"You didn't look like you had fallen out today," Ben uttered broodingly.

"Well we made it up again. He knows he fucked up and treated you
shitty. Believe it or not but he wanted to say sorry."

Ben snorted, "Sorry?" He uttered sarcastically. "I didn't do anything to
that guy. I don't know why he hates me so much but he can go fuck
himself. I don't need people like him in my life."

I swallowed hard as I struggled to keep my temper. I was literally biting
my lip so as to stop myself from having another outburst at Ben. Hearing
anyone talk about Alex like that had me really wound up.

"My question now; you sat next to Angela and Laura today, tell me straight,
are they your friends?"

Ben stared at the laptop screen and didn't blink. I could see the corner of
his mouth twitch as he struggled to say whatever words he was forming in
his head, "No, my parents are friends with Angela and Laura's parents. We
know each other through our parents but we're not friends. I'm not like
them," he added bitterly.

I looked down at the lab report we were supposed to be doing. So they
really weren't his friends. He really had just sat next to them to sting
me, and it had worked. I couldn't find my voice at the moment to ask him if
he knew how much that upset me.

 "At the party, I heard you talking to Alex in the kitchen, you said
something along the lines of, 'I'm gonna make sure the first guy I jump
isn't a stuck up son of a bitch.'" A moment of silence passed before Ben
continued, "Is that what you think of me?"

I looked up immediately into Ben's eyes. Gone was the hatred and anger that
had made his stare unbearable, it had been replaced by wounded pain.

"Ryan," I croaked finding my voice.

"What?"

"Ryan... it was Ryan I was talking about. You were right when you said I
was ogling him. After you left and went to the toilet, he came into the
kitchen and we had an argument. He's sort of apologised and we've moved on
and stuff."

"Are you two together then?"

I looked back down at the lab report, "I'm ninety nine per cent sure he's
straight," I said crushed. I turned my gaze to Ben, "I don't think you're
an elitist or a stuck-up son of a bitch."

Ben didn't say anything but I could see that his anger towards me was
dispersing.

"True or false," I began, "You know what it is Angela and Laura are saying
about me behind my back."

A moment of silence passed. Ben seemed to be toiling with what to say to
me. "False," he uttered.

I continued to stare at him, "But you said they were being stuck-up cliquey
elitists. How do you know that if you don't know what they're saying about
me?"

"I know what they're like. They're shallow, immature and obsessed by money
and class, like I said; you shouldn't let them get to you."

"Easy for you to say," I muttered.

"We should probably get on with the lab report," he said, while turning his
attention to the laptop screen.

I handed him the work we had done and he began typing it up. We continued
to work in relative silence while I deliberated what Ben had just said to
me. I looked up from my work from time to time and I could tell that we had
begun to move past our disagreement. There wasn't the same tension
surrounding us anymore. Ben's body language was far more relaxed now and I
felt slightly more at ease sitting across from him. After 3 hours we were
eventually finished and began packing our stuff up.

"Well I guess I'll see you around," I said. I didn't want to say 'I'll see
you tomorrow' as I wasn't sure if he'd want to. Where we even friends
again?

"Yeah, see you later."

We didn't bump fists or acknowledge our departure in any physical way; we
just walked out the café and went our separate ways.  I made it back to the
flat and went into the living room to find Alex playing the Xbox. I picked
up the controller and joined in.

"So I've got a couple of questions for you," he began.

"Shoot."

"I know it can be quite a big deal for a gay guy to come out to his
family."

I drew out my answer as I was pretty sure where he was going with this,
"Yeeeees."

"I guess what I'm kinda asking is, do your parents know about you being
gay?"

I wasn't sure how to broach the subject but I decided after the fiasco with
Ben that the truth was perhaps the best thing from here on out. "Yes."

"And, was it difficult? Coming out to them I mean."

I stole a glance at Alex while we continued to play the Xbox game. He
looked unusually tense.

"Yes. Look Alex, I don't mean to be mean but I'd rather not talk about
that."

"Right, of course. Cool. But can I just ask you a few general questions
about coming out."

I swallowed hard. I hope he doesn't keep driving at me with personal
questions. "Sure."

"Why did you not come out to everyone at once?"

I thought about this for a minute. It was a good question and one I had
mulled over for a while when the decision to come out was still in my
hands.

"Fear I suppose. You don't know how the people who are closest to you are
gonna react. Your worse fear is that you're gonna lose them all. That may
seem melodramatic but you'd be surprised how many people make offhand
anti-gay remarks, which just puts fear and doubt in your mind as to whether
they'd accept you. I wanted to build up a group of people who accepted me
first before I told the majority of people. That way if anything went
wrong, I could fall back on the group of people who accepted me."

I saw Alex nod his head as he took in what I was saying.

"When you found out you were wrong and people didn't abandon you, did that
make it easier for you to come out to other people?"

I swallowed hard as he finished his sentence. I hadn't found out that I was
wrong. I was in the small minority of gay people who weren't being
melodramatic. I wasn't ready to tell Alex about anything yet and he had
said himself that I should tell someone when I'm ready and not sooner. I'm
sure he'd understand why I was about to lie to him.

"Yeah, once you tell your close family and close friends it gets easier as
you always have them to fall back on for support if other people don't
accept you."

I almost choked as I finished saying the last sentence. I was staring
intently at the TV screen unconsciously not blinking. Why was Alex asking
all these questions about being gay?

"Yeah, I can imagine that would be the way to do it. Do you think it's a
good idea for someone to confront you and ask you if you're gay?"

I was pretty much speechless. Did he know? Was he subtly hinting that he
had found out about my situation? But how? He doesn't know any of my other
friends. He couldn't possibly know. So why was he asking these questions?

"It's definitely best not to confront them, if they're gay, they'll come
out when they're good and ready. I can't' stress that enough Alex."

"What if you think this person being closeted is affecting your
relationship with them?"

I was completely lost now. Was Alex talking about himself? Was he talking
about me? Surely Alex isn't gay. He's one of the straightest guys I
know. He's pretty much the benchmark for a straight guy in my mind.

"What do you mean?" I asked hoping for some clarity.

"Assuming you had a hunch that someone was gay, and there was a problem
arising between you two because of this, but you couldn't resolve it
because you're not supposed to know that they're gay, do you think it's OK
to confront them?"

A shot of adrenaline was coursing its way through my system at the
moment. Is Alex talking about himself? Is he talking about me and him? But
what would the problem between us two be? Does he like me? Is that what
he's talking about? Was he asking me to confront him? After what happened
to me there was no way I was going to do that. What should I say? What was
the issue arising between us two? Did he think I liked him? I began
unconsciously bouncing my leg on the front of my foot.

"Em... I don't really know but all I can say is that I definitely don't
think you should confront them. If they're a good enough friend then
they'll come to you when they're ready."

Alex paused the Xbox game before turning his attention to me, "Even if you
might lose them as a friend? You still don't think it's best to confront
them?"

"No- Look; I dunno about this sort of thing, why don't you ask John. His
little brother's gay. He probably knows more about this sorta stuff."

Alex looked back at the TV and resumed the game.

"Yeah, I might."

*

Wednesday morning went by quite uneventfully. It was my day off uni so I
spent most of my time in my room avoiding Alex as I wasn't entirely sure
what his feelings towards me were. I hadn't realised just how close Alex
and I had grown. Really close. I thought it had been as friends but the
conversation yesterday had put doubts in my mind. I'm perfectly sure of my
feelings towards him though and that's that Alex is a great friend and I
don't want that to change. I had some uni work to finish and I managed to
fix the air pump for the fish tank before three o'clock. That left me most
of the afternoon free. With the fish tank fixed I decided to head to the
pet shop to pick out some amphibious companions to occupy it. I walked out
of the main door of the flats lobby and met Ryan on his way into the flat.

"Hey," he grunted again as he sped past me. I definitely wasn't imagining
it this time; he was definitely giving me the cold shoulder.

"Hey," I murmured. He was quite a distance away by the time I replied.

I frowned at him. What's this guy's deal? He invites me out to the pictures
with him and his friends one day and then pretty much ignores me the next
two days. I headed down the street towards the pet shop without looking
back.

I don't know why he behaved like that? Had I done something to him without
knowing? Alex said he had an idea as to what the problem is. Maybe I should
ask him. I took my time in the pet shop, there were a great variety of fish
and I decided to pick six of the most colourful, tropical fish. One of them
was rainbow coloured, I laughed as I picked that one out. I had spent all
my life in the closet afraid of what people may think of me and now I'm
purposefully picking the most flamboyant and eccentric fish available just
because it was wearing the colours of gay pride.

I made my way back to the flat and put the fish in their new home. I sat
around for a while just watching them swim about the tank, so carefree, so
untroubled.  I wasn't hungry enough for dinner but I didn't want to occupy
the kitchen at the same time as Alex so I decided to go in and grab a Pop
Tart quickly. I walked into the living room and to my surprise I saw Alex
and Ryan sitting in the living room playing the Xbox with John nowhere to
be seen. Alex looked up at me, "Where've you been all day? Ryan said he saw
you heading out. Where'd you get to?"

I looked at Ryan who was still intensely staring at the TV screen, not even
acknowledging me. Had I just imagined all the hostility and tension between
Alex and Ryan over the past few days? Maybe it wasn't Alex Ryan had a
problem with. Maybe it was me? I shook my head confused, "Just headed out
for some stuff for the room."

"Cool, do you want a shot?" Alex motioned the control pad in mid-air
towards me.

"Em no, I'm tired and I've still got stuff to do."

I turned on my heels and made my way back to my room without the Pop
Tart. What was going on?  Hadn't Ryan always acted distant when Alex was
around? Hadn't it been Alex whom Ryan had shouted at in the back garden a
few days ago? Hadn't Ryan seemed nice to me when it was just me and him in
the café? Hadn't Ryan walked to class with me and hadn't he even offered to
sit with me?  It had to be Alex that Ryan had the problem with but why,
then, did he completely walk past me and grunt hello in the lecture room
and again just a few moments ago? Why was Ryan sitting in the living room
at this very minute talking to Alex and why didn't he say hello or even
acknowledge me when I walked into the room?

I was confused and I had no one to talk to. The only person I had been able
to unload on recently was Alex and he was somehow involved in this. A lot
of good talking to him would have done anyway, his only advice so far had
been, 'don't worry about it.' I walked through my room door and sat on the
edge of my bed. I looked at my door to make sure I had closed it: I had.

"OK fish, I know I haven't even given you names yet, but I feel like I'm
losing my mind. I don't have many people to talk to so it looks like you're
gonna have to suffice for the moment; I've got a problem with these two
people. One of them's called Alex and the other one's called Ryan..."

To Be Continued...
Send any feedback to:      kyro3@hotmail.co.uk
I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!

=============================================================================
Well, Ben seems to have thawed somewhat, Ryan has done a complete 180 and
Alex is a complete enigma, but at least Jamie seems to be perfectly normal.
I mean, everyone talks to their fish, right?
=============================================================================