Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2011 14:45:43 +0100
From: Kyro Clark <kyro3@hotmail.co.uk>
Subject: Glitter and Trauma 6

=============================================================================
Disclaimer:

This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real
life experiences of the author.

This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two
adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and
depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone
where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone
under the age of 18.

The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This
story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the
explicit consent of the author.
=============================================================================

Authors note:  Hey!  Thanks to everyone for all the feedback! I think a lot
more people are reading G&T now because I'm getting more & more feedback
and emails from lots of new and different people which is awesome! This
chapter has been finished for a while and sitting around on my computer. I
never sent it to Guy to edit because I've been pretty drunk and hung-over
lately. The reason? I passed all my uni exams :D. A definite cause for
celebration although if I'm honest, I need very little excuse to party :D

I just want to say a huge thanks to Guy for all the editing he did. He
takes a literary mess and makes it coherent and understandable. For that, I
am immensely grateful. Not only that but he's giving me some pointers on
general grammatical issues which definitely won't hurt the story any so
again, thanks Guy.

This chapter throws up a few answers but also poses a few new questions. We
find out about some of the characters flaws. All I would say about this is,
try not to judge them too harshly. None of us are perfect.

Send any feedback to:          kyro3@hotmail.co.uk
 Thanks in advance :D
=============================================================================
Glitter & Trauma
Chapter 6 - Aftermath.
By Kyro

I woke up with my head resting on my right arm, which was in turn, resting
on the kitchen table. I lifted my head much to my own demise. It felt like
there were miners inside there trying to dig their way out. The sun was
beaming in through the kitchen window straight onto the table were Alex and
I sat. The burning light shone onto my retinas and further increased the
pain in my head. I had to peel my tongue off the roof of my mouth as it was
so parched. I looked across at Alex who was still sleeping, his head
resting on the table.  Dulcet snores were emanating from him as he
struggled to breathe in his drunken state. The smell of alcohol lingered
over the room as me and Alex pumped the toxic fumes from last night back
out of our lungs. I felt a shot of anger rise up in my chest as I thought
about last night and the part in it that Alex had played. I sighed aloud as
I nodded to myself. I would have to confront Alex about Ben.

I hated confrontation. No; I despised confrontation. In my family, my two
brothers where upfront and direct, they didn't sugar-coat things and you
could always count on them to give you the ugly truth. I, on the other
hand, never lied, but often found myself 'omitting' things and perhaps
putting a spin on the truth that most people would find a little less
crushing to their feelings. In this instance however, I feared I would have
to give Alex the blunt truth and tell him that he's been behaving like a
complete dick. I had been reluctant to do so because I was, and still am,
sure that Alex hates Ben for a reason or reasons still unknown to me. What
last night proved though, was that Ben really hadn't done anything to
Alex. If he had, I'm pretty sure Alex would have been quick to bring it up
when Ben insulted him.

I stood up from the table, my legs were a bit weak and I was slightly
unsteady from all the alcohol I had consumed, and made my way to the
bathroom to relieve my bladder. When I came back I put the kettle on and
checked the time on my watch; it was almost half ten. I hoped Alex wouldn't
complain about me waking him up at this time and while waiting for the
kettle to boil I couldn't help but think about the phrase that Ben had used
last night: 'reverse elitist'. Did Ben really think that Alex shunned him
because Alex was poor and Ben was rich? I began to think about all the
insults and inflammatory remarks that Alex had made about Ben. They had all
been directed at the fact that Ben was wealthy. I thought about this for a
minute and it did seem like a logical conclusion but something just didn't
'feel' right about it.  I shook my head as I poured two cups of coffee, the
smell of the freshly brewed liquid beginning to invigorate me.

I was positive Alex didn't hate Ben because he was rich. After all, Alex
was rich. His parents had a lot of money and he was an only child. It was
easy to think of Alex as poor because of the way he dressed (the lack of
designer labels) and because he practically never spoke about money. Ben
may have thought that Alex was poor, but I knew better.

I sighed as I was completely back to square one. Why did Alex hate Ben so
much? I would just have to level with Alex and hope that he trusts me
enough to tell me what the problem is. I sighed again as I walked over to
the table. I sat the coffee cups down very loudly in a bid to stir Alex
from his sleep. He made a deep snort and lifted his head from the
table. With one eye open he greeted me good morning.

"Morning," Alex said.

"Morning, I've made you coffee."

"Uh, thanks." He said hesitantly taking the cup of coffee. "I need to go to
the toilet." Alex said before heading out of the kitchen. He came back five
minutes later looking (and smelling) far more refreshed.

"Feeling better?" I enquired.

"Much better," he replied.

"Alex, I know you've got a hangover, trust me, so have I, but I think we've
gotta talk about you, Ben, and me." Alex sighed and crossed his arms but I
ignored this and continued. "I'm your friend Alex, and you told me that you
didn't like Ben because you thought he was using me. You made out that you
were looking out for me and protecting me as a friend. But that's not what
this about, is it?"

A brief moment of silence passed as I stared at Alex and he took a sip from
his coffee.

"I just don't like him." Alex said simply crossing his arms again.

"Alex, you never gave him a chance. You hated him before he even said
hello. If you had met him, and had a clash of personalities, then I would
understand and back off, but this is to do with something else, something
more." I said in a soft understanding tone. I wanted to be firm but non-
provocative.

"He's just so fucking full of himself. He turns up every day to uni in that
Porsche, wearing Armani this and Dolce & Gabbana that. He just never misses
an opportunity to shove it in all our faces that he's rich."

I sat and contemplated what Alex had just told me. This still didn't make
sense.  I'm sure Alex had enough money to buy all the designer clothes he
could have wanted. Maybe he couldn't afford a Porsche, but that's hardly
the end of the world. This was decision time. Should I push Alex? Should I
bring up the fact that I knew he was rich too? If I did then I would have
to tell him that I didn't believe he hated Ben because he was showy. I
would have to call him a liar. Did I really want another conflict with
Alex? Did I really need another conflict with anyone? I swallowed hard;
there was an uneasy silence which had fallen over the room.

"I've never seen you be prejudice to anyone before. Why is Ben so special?"
I paused for a minute while Alex took in what I had said. He looked at me
with his arms still crossed and an indiscernible look on his face. I
decided to move my hair out of my face so I could see him clearly. "If
anyone was gonna hate Ben for being flashy or rich, it should be me Alex."

"Really, why's that?" He shot back bitterly.

"Because I'm the poor one." I said quietly. This isn't something anyone
likes to admit, especially to a close friend in the middle of an argument.

"Really?" He questioned while raising his voice.

This was it, I couldn't back down now.

"Yes." I shot back forgetting to try and keep the tone of my voice
non-provocative. "I know that you're an only child and that your parents
are loaded. So I don't believe that you hate Ben because he's flashy!"

"That's exactly why I hate him!" Alex roared back at me while banging the
table. Tears were beginning to form in his eyes. He wasn't whimpering
though, these were tears of anger. For the first time in my life, I was
sitting in Alex's company and I felt intimidated. I had angered the
lion. "Take a fucking look around you Jamie; do I look like I'm rich? Do I
look like I have rich parents? Do you think my parents are helping me pay
for this flat? Do you think I'm getting anything from them at all except
pressure, pressure, pressure! Pressure to succeed at uni! Pressure to run
this fucking flat with absolutely no help from them at all! Pressure to be
independent to the point that I haven't seen my parents since my birthday
almost a fucking year ago!"

He broke down when he said the last words and covered his face with his
hands while he quietly sobbed making me feel guilty about what I'd done. I
had a friend, a close friend, going through family trouble, just like me,
and I hadn't even realised it. I had been completely oblivious. I stood up
and walked over to where Alex was sitting. I wasn't sure if this was the
right thing to do but I didn't know what else I could do. I pulled him into
a hug. He was sitting and I was standing, so his head came to just above my
stomach, but I think he understood the sentiment. I expected him to resist.
He didn't seem like the type of person who would like to be hugged by
another guy. But to my surprise, he leaned in harder and pressed his head
against me.

We stayed like this for a few minutes until I felt his body stop
convulsing. After a minute or two of silence, I decided it was best to try
and get him to open up again, this time without the shouting and the
crying.

"Are you alright?" I queried.

"Yeah." I heard his muffled reply before he leaned off me slightly. I
loosened the grip of my hug and then went and sat down at the other end of
the table.

"So you're not getting on with your parents?" I asked cautiously. I didn't
know if this was a subject he would be comfortable discussing now that he
had calmed down.

"That's putting it mildly." He began in a solemn tone while stifling a few
sobs. "At the start of first year, they were always on the phone, making
sure that I was near the top of the class and making sure that I wasn't
slacking off. They always said they had big plans for me when I graduated
and that I wasn't to disappoint them. I felt really pressured. I was
struggling to pay the rent too and asked them for some money, but they said
that I had to realise the 'value of money' and understand 'how difficult it
is to run a house.' I know they had good intentions, but at the same time,
I was in a lot of debt and really struggling. I wasn't asking for a lot, I
wasn't asking for them to buy me a Porsche, I was just asking for a little
help to make ends meet. But they never saw it like that. They thought that
I was looking for the easy way out of my own failings." He looked down at
his coffee mug and took another sip from it to steady himself.

I had never seen Alex look like this. He was always so 'happy-go-lucky.'
Seeing him look so defeated really made me hurt.

"Anyway, I told them that I had to get a roommate to help pay the
rent. This just further convinced them that they were right. They said that
their actions were "justified" and that I had found an "adult solution to
the problem." What they didn't know is that I was two days away from losing
it all!  The bank were gonna repossess the flat and I had people calling
non-stop asking when I was gonna pay this bill or that bill. I was just so
suffocated." He paused for a minute to calm himself before
continuing. "Getting John to stay here really helped me out. I had to ask
him to pay two months' rent up front though; otherwise there wouldn't have
been a flat for him to live in. He really saved me, but at the same time,
it just added more pressure. Before John came, if I had to give up the
flat, then it would just have been me who suffered, but not now. Now if I
fuck up, John is out on his ass with nowhere to sleep as well, and you
too."

"Jesus Alex, have you told John about any of this?"

"No, I haven't told anyone. I didn't want to worry him."

"No, you just wanted to kill yourself with worry. What happened after John
came and stayed with you?"

"The extra money really helped me out. I bunkered down and didn't really do
much for a few months while I tried to organise my money better. I had to
take out a second loan and used that money to make the payments on the
first loan and on the credit cards I'd used. Then, last year, on my
birthday, I had a major argument with my parents about them being too pushy
and suffocating in some aspects of my life, and pretty much anonymous in
others. We had a massive fight and I haven't spoken to them since."

I could see the formation of tears beginning in Alex's eyes again.

"Jesus mate, I had no idea," I said solemnly.

"I don't like anyone knowing about me or my family. All they do is judge me
as some sort of rich kid when that's clearly not the case," he said while
wiping his eyes.

"Is there any way you could patch things up with your parents?"

"I dunno, we haven't spoken at all. I've sent both of them birthday and
Christmas cards but they haven't even got back to me to say thanks. I never
even got a Christmas card from them."

I was appalled to see the hurt that Alex had been caused. I had never met
Alex's parents before but I already had a picture built up of them in my
mind, and I didn't like them at all. "They may have sent you a Christmas
card and written the address down wrong or it could have got lost in the
post or something." I tried to reason.

"Doubt it, you don't know them like I do, they're spiteful and malevolent,"
he said regaining his composure. I got the feeling that he'd said all he
wanted to on that subject.

"Alex, you know that none of this had anything to do with Ben," I reasoned.

"I know."

"I kind of think that you're punishing Ben because his parents gave him so
much and because... your parents..." I trailed off unsure how to finish the
sentence.

"Are selfish, withholding, narcissistic, unloving, egotistical bastards,"
Alex said viciously.

"Your words, not mine," I said smiling. Thankfully he returned it.

I knew that Alex had fallen out with his parents, and from what he said,
they were way, way out of line, but I wasn't going to criticise them. They
were still his parents and I'm sure that deep down, he still loved them.

Alex sighed before he ran his hand through his hair, he still seemed
distressed. "I was way out of line with Ben. The funny thing is, I knew I
was treating him like shit, and I knew that I was out of line, but I just
didn't care. It felt good to have someone to let my anger loose on. Oh god,
how twisted is that?" Alex pleaded.

"It is pretty fucked up," I agreed. "Putting other people down so you can
feel good about yourself is nothing to be proud of, but since I know you
and I know that you're not a dick, I'll give you a pass this time." I
smiled at him when I said this and he gave me small smile back.

"I think I should call him and apologise," Alex said.

"It's probably best to wait until I speak to him," I reasoned.

"How are you gonna speak to him? He thinks you're in cahoots with me. Not
to mention the fact that he found out you were lying to him about being
gay. Why is he so pissed about you lying to him? It's not for him to 'out'
you; you should be able to come out to whomever, whenever."

I smiled at Alex when he said this. He had said exactly what I was
thinking. But the situation was a little more complicated than that. What
Alex didn't know was that Ben had come out to me; he had taken the first
step and put himself 'out there' to be judged. He put it all on the line to
someone who was more of a stranger than a friend at the time and really
took a chance on me. I'm sure that Ben felt like my lying was a betrayal. I
know I did.

"Thanks," I muttered back.

"Are you gonna call him then?" Alex asked.

"What? Just now?" I asked a little unsure.

"If there's one thing I've notice about you over the past few days Jamie,
it's that you don't do too well with confrontation and tend to give things
some space. That can be a good thing, but sometimes it can let things
fester and make matters worse. I think this situation falls into the latter
category. Why don't you give him a call just now?"

"I dunno," I replied.

"Just do it," he smiled.

I took my mobile out of my pocket and found Ben's number. My heart was
beating hard in my chest as I pressed dial. I hope Ben had calmed down
since last night and would want to talk to me. The phone rang out and then
went onto voicemail. I tried ringing it a few more times but again it just
went to voicemail. I finally decided to leave him a message.

"Ben, it's Jamie, I've tried calling you a few times but it just keeps
ringing out. I hope you're not avoiding me." I sighed as I said this. The
truth is he probably was avoiding me. It's what I would be doing just now
if Alex wasn't sitting across from me. "I know we had an argument last
night, but I wanna talk about it. I wanna explain to you..." I paused for a
minute while I built up the courage to say the next few words. "...why I
lied about being gay. I don't think this is a conversation best done over
the phone. I'm gonna head to October's at 12 today. I'll wait around for an
hour. I'd like it if you came. You wouldn't have to talk, just listen." I
hung up the phone and looked at Alex. "Ball's in his court now."

*

I made sure that I arrived early to October's. It was a blustery and cold
day outside and I was happy to be inside with the warmth of the café. I
ordered a coffee and sat next to the window so Ben would be able to see me
if he showed up. The coffee was doing an excellent job of energizing and
warming my tired limbs. I was still feeling slightly hung-over, but the
conversation I had with Alex earlier in the day had me feeling better about
things. Alex had finally come clean about his problem with Ben. It didn't
show Alex in the best light, he basically admitted that he was treating Ben
like shit because he resented him and was even slightly jealous of him. I
know this would have changed a lot of people's opinions about Alex, but all
it had made me do was like him even more.

If there's one thing I admire in a person more than anything else, it's
honesty, and Alex had just given me the cold hard truth. I know that from
now on, Alex and I are going to be far closer as friends. This was
something that made me smile and I was still grinning from ear to ear when
the chair in front of me was dragged back with a startling scrapping
noise. I jumped and looked up from my coffee to see Ben sitting down. He
sat up straight with his arms crossed looking out the window.  There was a
look of impatience and determination on his face that I found quite
discouraging.

"Thanks for coming." I said while giving him a cautious smile. He didn't
return it.

"Zander is outside waiting, you've got five minutes." He said curtly.

"Who's Zander?" I questioned.

"My driver," Ben answered lethargically.

I looked out the window but couldn't see Ben's Porsche anywhere. My eye did
however; catch a white hummer limo parked on the opposite side of the
street quite a bit away.

"You brought a limo?" I asked.

"I didn't think the Porsche was flashy enough," he said snidely.

I immediately straightened up as his comment put me on my guard.

 "You said I didn't have to talk, just listen. Well, I'm listening," Ben
said.

I had a strange feeling in my stomach. It upset me to see Ben looking so
wounded and disgusted.  Knowing that I caused this and knowing that he was
directing his disgust at me made me feel even worse. I looked back down at
my coffee allowing my hair to cover part of my face.

"First of all Ben, I just want to say I'm sorry." Ben made a snort of
disgust. "I lied to you and you should never lie to friends."

"I'm not your friend."

This comment made me catch my breath. This wasn't something he had said in
the heat of the moment; this wasn't some anger fuelled insult. His voice
was calm and cold.

"Ben," I said while pausing to take a deep breath and steady myself for
what I was about to tell him.  "I don't know what opinion you think I have
of you, or what opinion you think Alex has of you, but I can assure you
that on both accounts, you are wrong." Ben made another snort of disgust.

"Two minutes," he chorused.

I moved my hands off the table, they had begun shaking. I was petrified to
tell Ben everything. I was petrified to tell him anything! I could hear my
heart beating in my ears. I was scared to tell him about how fucked up my
life was with my family. I was willing to tell him all about it earlier,
but now, being in his presence, seeing how bitter towards me he was
behaving and having heard him say that we weren't friends has only riddled
me with fear and doubt. Did I really want to tell someone about my
dysfunctional and backwards family disowning me because I was gay, just for
them to turn around and say that they don't give a shit?

"You know if you're not going to say anything then I'll just leave," he
said further hurrying me.

I looked down at my hands. They were shaking vigorously. I was too scared
to say anything. There was a lump in my throat that felt like the size of a
tennis ball. I tried to swallow but that only made it feel bigger. I
couldn't tell him. He already knew that I was gay, that should have been
half the battle, but it wasn't, he didn't know why I had lied to him. It
wasn't just that I was ashamed of how my own flesh and blood had reacted to
me telling them that I was gay, it was that I was ashamed to admit that I
had been kicked-out and abandoned by everyone, including my friends. Not
one person stood by me from my old life. I was alone.

I felt tears streaming down the side of my face. I buried my chin on my
chest and shook my head so that my hair fell over my face while I clenched
my hands into fists. I didn't want Ben to see me crying. I just wanted a
black hole to open up in front of me and swallow me up. I heard the chair
in front of me scrape along the floor as Ben stood up and then the bell
above the door ring as he opened it and left the café. I sat there for a
few minutes enraged at my own inability to open up to people. I was
crippled by my own fear and anxiety as to what Ben may have thought or said
about my situation. Moreover, I was frightened that he wouldn't care at
all. Why couldn't I just have told him?

My hands were continuing to shake as I tried to compose myself. I wasn't
doing too well with tears still freely running down my cheeks. I reached
behind my head, grasped for my hood, and pulled it over my head. I reached
into my pocket and pulled out a crisp ten pound note. The coffee didn't
cost anything near this much but I just had to get out of this café. I
threw the money on the table, stood up and made my way out. The brittle,
cold air blasted through my hair and immediately dried the tears on my
cheeks. I kept my head down and power-walked back to the flat.

When I got back to the flat, I went into my room and closed the door behind
me. I had so much pent up frustration and anger. I kicked my rucksack which
was lying on the floor still full of clothes. A sharp throbbing in my right
foot told me that I was foolish to have done so. In a rucksack which was
pretty much fool of clothes, I had somehow managed to kick the tiny part
which contained my aftershaves. This only further fuelled my anger and I
tossed my mobile across the room in a fit of rage. The mobile made contact
with the chest of drawers and I saw it shatter with various components
flying out of the back of the phone. I punched the mattress of my bed a few
times before sitting down and pulling my hood further over my head. I
pulled it down towards my chin. I wanted to cover my face and make myself a
non-entity. I sat like this, pulling on my hood, with my elbows resting on
my knees, for a minute or so until I heard a knock at the door.

"Jamie, you in there?" I heard Alex's voice on the other side of the door.

I heard my room door open and felt Alex sit down on the bed next to me.

"How'd it go with Ben?" he asked.

"Aw Alex, I totally fucked it up," I began while trying to keep my voice
steady so as not to alert Alex to the fact that I had been crying. I didn't
take the hood away from my face. "I practically never told him anything. He
was so pissed at me and I just fucking choked. All I did was apologise and
then I couldn't tell him why I had lied. I couldn't tell him anything. I
just shut up like a fucking clam! He stormed out without saying anything."

I felt Alex put his hand on my shoulder and give it squeeze. "That wasn't
the time to tell anyone anything. You've been carrying this thing with your
family around with you for a while now and you haven't been able to tell
anyone. The situation with Ben backed you into a corner where you felt it
was necessary to tell Ben everything otherwise you'd lose him as a
mate. That's not the right circumstances for you to tell your story. You
should tell your story when you're ready and when you feel comfortable."

"I'm not ready to tell anyone yet," I sobbed.

"I know mate, but when you are, just know this, I'll be there for you," he
said, squeezing my shoulder again.

To Be Continued...

Send any feedback to:      kyro3@hotmail.co.uk
I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!

=============================================================================
Editor's Note:

Yet another great chapter Kyro. I can't wait to see what happens next. I
must admit, during the coffee shop scene, I just wanted to shake Jamie and
shout at him, but I suppose he'll get there eventually. Oh, and excuse me
while I feel smug about being completely right about Alex and Ben :)

=============================================================================