Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2011 22:03:50 +0100 From: Kyro Clark Subject: Glitter and Trauma Chapter 4 ============================================================================== Disclaimer This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author. This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author. ============================================================================= Authors Note Hey! I just want to start off again by saying thanks to everyone for the feedback. It really means a lot to me. I'm doing this as a hobby and as a way to get some things in my head straight. Having people email me and tell me what they like and dislike about the story really makes writing the next chapter easier. I'm trying to respond to every email personally as I don't want to send out a generic email as a response to people who have taken the time to give me their input. In this chapter there is a lot of dialogue and as such, I found it a bit more challenging to convey the thoughts and feelings of the characters; but I've given it my best shot. That's why this has taken a little longer to write than the previous chapters. I hope you enjoy the chapter and look forward to hearing any feedback. Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk Thanks in advance :D ============================================================================= Glitter & Trauma Chapter 4 - Fool Yourself. By Kyro I walked out onto the darkened stage. I picked up my guitar and made my way to the microphone. My hands were shaking, I was really nervous. I took my guitar pick and placed it between my fingers ready for my cue. The guy at the side of the stage counted down with his fingers. 3...2...1... The spotlight switched on and burned my eyes slightly as they adjusted to the brightness. I looked out into the crowd but couldn't really see any of their faces. The lights were too bright. There was a deafening silence. I looked down at my guitar. I didn't know what to play. I didn't know which chords to play. I didn't even know which song I was supposed to be playing. I flicked my head so that my fringe would fall forwards and cover some of my face. But my hair was gone! I tried to open my mouth to say something but nothing was coming out. I open and shut my mouth a few times with not a sound escaping. I began to choke. My lungs gulped and gasped for air but my chest constricted and tightened not allowing any to enter. I let go of my guitar and clutched at my chest. The tightness soon turned into a full blown stabbing pain. I felt the pressure build in my head as dizziness set in and soon, weakness in my legs caused me to fall to the floor. I was lying on my back desperately trying to breathe. Writhing, gulping, and gasping, with no success. I was suffocating, drowning in an invisible sea with my saviour, oxygen, all around me. I looked out at the crowd; no one was coming to help me. They were all still in their seats, sitting motionless, not uttering a sound, watching. I looked at the guy who gave me my cue; he was just standing there with his arms crossed. Why is no one coming to help me?!? I woke up with a start in a darkened room. It took me a few seconds to realise where I was. I was at the flat. My flat. I reached over and picked my mobile up from the bedside cabinet. 6:57 am. This was the fourth time that night I had woken up with a bad dream. Bad dreams, that's what I was calling them. I didn't want to call them nightmares. That's something kids have when you give them too much sugar and let them watch Freddie Kruger. My dreams weren't like that; they weren't exactly gory or horrifying. But they were unsettling. They stayed with me for a while even after I had woken up. I don't know why they unnerved me so much? I was on a stage and forgot the lyrics and chords to a song. Not exactly the end of the world and not exactly something that was likely to happen to me. I loved playing my guitar but I never let anyone hear me play it and at the moment, my three guitars were back at home. So the chances of me being on stage attempting to play my guitar were slim to none. The whole lying there suffocating thing, well, I mean, come on, If I couldn't breathe, then I'm pretty sure the people in the audience wouldn't be able to either. The whole thing was absurd, and yet it still sent shivers down my spine. I sighed as I thought about home. How long were my parents, my family, and my friends going to ignore me or pretend nothing had happened? This was the fourth day since I got kicked out the house last Friday. It was getting harder, the silence, the lack of sleep, and the fact I never had anyone to talk to was really getting to me. Normally if something, "big" like this happened, the first person I would call would be Tweak. That wasn't an option though. I tossed about my bed for another 5 minutes before I decided to get up. I may have been physically exhausted; but my mind was racing with the events of the last few days. I decided to go for a jog. I'm pretty sure it was impossible for me to feel any more tired than what I already was and hopefully doing something physical would take my mind of my family. I pulled on my jogging bottoms and I searched through my wardrobe for a hoodie. I fished out a hoodie and looked at it for a second. It was a grey hoodie with a, "JLS" logo on the front. JLS are a boy band who won X-factor or Britain's Got Talent or one of those talent shows. I hated those shows and the so-called "talent" they uncovered on principal. Tweak knew this and that's why he got me this hoodie for my 18th birthday. I thought it was funny and we both had a good laugh about it at the time. My original intentions were to bin it or give it to charity as I didn't want to be caught dead wearing a JLS hoodie but instead, I decided to use it when I went jogging as usually no one was around that early in the morning. I stared at the hoodie for a moment and a tear escaped my eye. I mentally chastised myself for crying. Crying solved nothing and helped no one I told myself. I pulled the hoodie on over my bare chest. It may seem strange that I was wearing the hoodie after what Tweak did to me, but he was my best friend for as long as I could remember and I still missed him; even if he had screwed me over. I jogged for a little more than an hour through the park. It was nice to have a change of scenery from my usual jogging route and it really helped clear my head. The sun was beginning to rise as I made my way back to the flat. I went for a quick shower; towel dried my hair, and got dressed. After seeing the sun rising earlier I decided not to wear a hat as it looked like it was going to be a nice day. I'm sure a few people at uni would have something to say about the state my hair was in. I sighed, nothing new there then. I went into the kitchen and just like yesterday, I found it empty. Apparently Alex and John weren't big on breakfast which suited me just fine. I was feeling pretty down at the moment and the last thing I wanted was human interaction. I made myself a cup of coffee in a bid to pick myself up. Five sugars, that should help get me going I thought. I had four lectures today with the first starting at 9. After that, I planned to come back here and hopefully catch up on some sleep. I sat with my coffee at the kitchen table and checked the time on my phone. I still had 20 minutes until my first lecture started. I decided I'd swing by the shops and get a newspaper before heading to the lecture early. I wanted to get out the door before Alex woke up and I had to have some of that human interaction I was hoping to avoid. I quickly finished my coffee (which tasted pretty damn awful) and headed back to my room. As I was walking past the bathroom I heard the shower running. I'm not sure whether it was Alex or John so I darted into my room, picked up my bag, and headed out the door. I bought a newspaper from the shops and made it to the lecture early. I sat near the back of the deserted lecture room and began doing the crossword. It was serenely quiet which made concentrating on the crossword pretty easy. I normally never do crosswords but I was willing to try anything to keep my mind occupied. After ten minutes of pretty hard-core crossword action, someone came and sat down on the seat to my left with their leg pressed right up against mine. "Morning, didn't take you as the type of guy to do crosswords." I looked up from the newspaper and saw Ben sitting next to me flashing that mischievous smile. My god did he smell good. Sort of sweet; but with a crisp freshness to it. I wonder what aftershave he has on. "Uh...what?" I asked not entirely sure what he just said. Why was he sitting here? The lecture room was still pretty empty. There were free seats everywhere. "I said I didn't think you were the type of guy to do crosswords." I stared at him blankly still trying to figure out why he was sitting next to me. I barely knew the guy. "Are you okay?" He asked arching his eyebrows. "What? Yeah. Fine. I'm just a little tired." I furrowed my brow and looked down at my crossword. "You look nice today," he said in a stiff manner. "What?" I snickered as I looked up at his face. He was wearing a peculiar expression. Had I just offended him? Jesus, what was with this guy today? "I mean, thanks...I guess." What a weird thing to say to another guy. I shrugged it off as a rich-kid thing and went back to doing my crossword. "So uh...are we still on for today?" he asked. My god this guy sucked at taking a hint. Maybe I should just hang a, "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck. "What do you mean?" I asked while making sure I exhaled heavily to show my annoyance. "You really don't pay much attention do you? The lab report. You said you wouldn't mind making a start on it later today." "Aww shit. I forgot we were supposed to be doing that today." I complained. "We don't have to you know; we can leave it to another time. I mean if you're busy or doing something or something..." he trailed off. Although I had never spoken to Ben until yesterday, I had overheard him speaking to other people. He always spoke like he was so sure of himself. He oozed self-confidence from every pour and always seemed so poised. The exact opposite of how he was acting just now. I looked up at his face. Anxiety was plastered all over it. I couldn't work out what was going on? "No, I'm just a bit tired. That's all." I said "I'm okay to meet up today. One less thing to worry about down the line." "Excellent." He said and beamed at me while literally bouncing up and down in his seat. I gave him an uneasy smile and went back to doing my crossword. I was trying to concentrate but I couldn't help but notice he kept moving his legs. He was bouncing up and down on the front of his toes as if he were getting ready to run a race. "Was there something else?" I asked. He was really starting to annoy me now and I just wanted to be left alone. "Eh...no. Why?" "Then why are you still sitting here?" I didn't mean for it to sound as bad as it did. And trust me, it sounded pretty cold. But I was tired and I had given him plenty of hints that I wanted to be left alone. Not to mention the fact that I barely even know this guy. "Oh, right, well I just thought it would be cool if we hung out a bit, but if you wanna be left alone." Of course I wanted to be left alone. Stevie Wonder could see that for crying out loud. I sighed again because I felt bad about what I had said. Or at least, I felt bad about the way I had said it. "No. It's just; you know...We never usually hang out. That's all." I said. "You're always walking around with Alex and it's not easy to get you on your-" "Where did you go this morning?" I turned around to see Alex taking the vacant chair to my right. "Point proven," I heard Ben mutter over my shoulder. "I got up early and decided just to come here," I said in response to Alex's question. I saw Alex glance over at Ben and his face hardened. I thought about what Ben had just said and I got the impression that he didn't seem to like Alex. I began to wonder if something had happened between them previously. "Em... Alex, this is Ben," I said turning around and gesturing to Ben, I couldn't help but notice that Ben was sitting differently now. He was sitting up straight as if someone had put a steel rod up his back and his legs weren't moving at a hundred miles an hour any more. Ben turned to look at Alex and extended his hand. "And Ben, this is Alex." I said gesturing towards Alex. They both shook hands in front of me and said the usual, "Nice to meet you," but I could tell it wasn't a friendly hand-shake. Both turned around and stared at the front of the lecture theatre. To say that this was awkward would be a massive understatement. The lecture room was beginning to fill up now. I saw the girls from yesterday who laughed at me walk in the door. They really made my blood boil. They looked older than me so they were probably at least nineteen years old. The most annoying thing about them is not knowing why they were always laughing. I know I shouldn't let them get to me but they really did make me feel self-conscious. If I just knew why they were always snickering I'm sure I'd feel better. They were walking towards us and I saw them look at Ben and give him a smile. He smiled back. "Aren't you going to sit next to your friends?" Alex asked while nodding towards the two girls. He put quite a bit of venom behind the question. "They're not my friends," Ben said a little indignantly. "Must have been the guy behind you they were smiling at then," Alex sarcastically poked. I stopped paying attention to Alex and Bens conversation as two guys walked in the door. One of them, was insatiably hot and exactly my type. His first name was Ryan and his second name had sadly, remained a mystery to me. He was slightly taller than me (but then again who isn't?) at just short of 6 feet. He had long, sleek, black hair with a sweeping fringe which he always kept out of his face. He had narrow shoulders and a slim frame that just screamed twink at you. But the best part about him was his legs. He had really long, skinny legs. They weren't skinny chicken-like legs, not by a long shot. They were slight, slender and so goddamn hot. I never really thought of someone's legs as a turn on, not until I saw this guy. He usually wears a pair of skinny jeans (grey to be precise) and oh my god does it show off his legs and ass. He was usually clean shaven but it wasn't uncommon for him to have a bit of stubble or, "roughness" every once in a while. This only helped to bring out his eyes though. As I said, I've always hated people who go on about other people's eyes, and I really can't stand my own eyes, but Ryan's eyes where just a hopeless enigma that drew you in. At first glance you would think they were black. But I had stolen enough glances to notice that they were a really dark shade of brown. They were so unique. He walked in the door with his friend Danny. Danny was no ogre, but he was definitely on a different plain from Ryan. He didn't wear converse, have straightened hair and dress sort of indie like Ryan; no, he could usually be seen wearing a pair of Vans, some pretty loose, baggy jeans, a t-shirt, and he usually sported an untidy mop of curly hair. He looked like he would be a good guy to go out and have a few drinks with, but not the sort of guy you'd want to take home and have hot sex with all night. They sat down near the front of the lecture theatre out with my field of vision. Damn. I snapped back to the conversation that Alex and Ben were having in front of me. "Just because I smiled at someone doesn't mean I'm their friend," Ben said with the anger plainly rising in his voice "So you just go around smiling at everyone you see? Wow, you must be a really super guy." Alex poked again. I could sense this was getting out of hand and I'd have to think of something to say to diffuse the situation quickly. "You know, they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." Ben said while a smirk broke out across his face. "So do you have a lab today Alex?" I asked with my voice raised slightly. Alex looked at me for a second and then faced the front. "Yeah," he muttered. Great, now he was in a mood. I turned my head to look at Ben and he was looking pretty pleased with himself. I shook my head. What the hell was that all about? Thankfully the lecture began a few moments later which would hopefully give Ben and Alex some time to cool off. I don't know why they seemed to dislike each other so much? I followed most of what the lecturer was talking about and was starting to feel livelier by the time the lecture was finished. I think the coffee was starting to work its magic. We packed our stuff up and stood to go to the next lecture when the two girls came up and started talking to Ben. Me and Alex walked past the three of them and made our way to the next lecture. "Why the fuck is he sitting with us?" Alex asked. "I dunno, I'm in his lab group now so I'm gonna be spending a bit of time with him doing reports and stuff." "But that doesn't mean he's gotta sit with you during lectures. Why the sudden interest in you anyway? He's never spoken a word to either of before and now he's sitting next to us on the first week back." "I know I know, but he doesn't have any friends on our course and he's really not that bad." I pleaded. "He's a smarmy fucker. 'You know they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit,'" Alex mocked while putting on a pretty bitchy tone. I couldn't help but laugh. "What's your problem with him anyway?" I inquired before quoting, "'It must have been the guy behind you they were smiling at then'? What the fuck was that all about?" I pressed. "I don't like him," Alex said simply. "You don't know him," I reasoned while we took our seats in the lecture room. "I know enough about him, and why the fuck are you sticking up for this guy? He's only talking to us because he hasn't got any friends." "That doesn't mean you have to treat him like shit," I reasoned. "Well I don't like being used by some stuck-up little prick." This was the first time me and Alex had argued and I had never seen this side of him before. He was really spitting fire so I bit my tongue and never replied. I don't think Ben was using us but the thought had crossed my mind. I just felt that sometimes when I was speaking to Ben, he was...well...genuine. There was a rustling to my left as Ben was asking a few people to let him past so he could get in and sit next to me and Alex. I heard Alex, who was sitting on my right again, mutter a few obscenities. "Just try and be nice," I asked. He muttered something inaudible. "Hey, you left in a hurry," Ben said. "You seemed to be busy talking to your 'not friends'" Alex spat. Jesus, apparently even the civilities were too much to ask of Alex at the moment. "I wasn't going to be ignorant and just walk past them when they wanted to talk to me," Ben said with his voice slightly raised. Alex gave a snort to my right hand side, I'm sure he was about to say something else to Ben before I jumped in before him. "It doesn't matter," I said trying to bring some calm to the conversation. Thankfully, the lecturer walked in just as I had said that. Both Alex and Ben were really getting out of hand. Any energy I had received from the coffee earlier this morning was pretty much sapped, as I spent the rest of the morning sitting on the edge of my seat refereeing Alex and Ben. At the end of the fourth lecture, I said goodbye to a particularly moody Alex as he made his way to his lab, and me and Ben made our way to the library. "So do you wanna go to Octobers? We can find a quiet table and make a start on this." Ben asked. Octobers was a small caf‚ that was only a short walk away from the uni. It was still pretty close to the flat so I agreed as it would only take me an extra 5 minutes or so to get home from there as opposed to the library, and there would be coffee which was a welcome bonus. We walked inside with me and Ben taking a seat at the very back of the coffee shop. It was really quiet and ideal for getting some work done. We sat down and began to get our notepads out. "So," Ben said. "So?" I parroted while looking up from my bag. I couldn't help but notice that Ben was looking really awkward and anxious again. He had acted like this earlier this morning and it was making me feel uncomfortable. I can't really explain why, but it was definitely putting me on my guard. "Are you gay?" He asked. I could feel copious amounts of blood rushing to my face. I felt fear rush through my body to every extremity. My mind flashed back to the last time I was asked that question. The faces of my family flashed through my mind. I thought about my mum and the tears streaming down her torn face as she saw her family falling apart before her very eyes. I thought about the faces of my two brothers as they realised that their little brother wasn't, "normal" like them. The words, "Just go Jamie," played again in my head. I thought about the image of my dad's face as it contorted with rage when I told him I was gay. There was no way I was coming out to this guy. "What? No!" I answered indignantly. I didn't sound convincing. My mouth was dry and I was finding it hard to swallow. I don't like lying to anyone but to be honest, Ben had absolutely no right to ask me that question. That sort of stuff is personal and I barely know him. "What makes you ask that?" I enquired with my voice still sounding shaky. "Oh...eh...nothing, I just..." "Just what?" I pressed. "Just thought that because I wore skinny denims and dyed my hair that I was bent?" I said, the anger in my voice plainly rising. "No," he stammered, "it's nothing like that?" "Well why don't you tell me what it's like then?" I sneered. "It's nothing, can we just drop it?" he said while staring at the table. "You were the one that brought it up." "I just thought..." "Thought what?" I pushed. He hadn't answered any of my questions so far and his ambiguity was only further fuelling my anger. "I thought you were sort of...like...like me I guess." He mumbled. "Like you?" I questioned. "Keep your voice down." He scolded while looking up from the table. "I thought you were gay and that's why I wanted to get to know you." "Ben, are you trying to tell me you're gay?" He looked back down at the table. A few moments passed by in silence. "Yes." Christ, to say that that was unexpected would be the understatement of the century. My mind was flooded with images of mine and Ben's interactions over the past day. I thought about the way he sat really close to me, the way he smiled at me, even his comment he made earlier this morning, "you look nice". I was hit by a sudden realisation. I think Ben liked me. My head became dizzy at the prospect. Ben was hot. Really hot. But like I keep saying, I barely know him. And if I'm honest, I don't want the first guy I go with just to be some piece of meat. Albeit a piece of high standard Grade "A" meat. "Say something," he croaked. "Are you sure?" I asked. "What?" "Are you sure you're gay?" This seemed to be an unintentional ice breaker as he let out a small laugh at my question. "Yeah I'm sure, if you'd have seen some of the videos I've watched then you wouldn't be asking that question," he smiled. "Are you sure you're not gay?" He had put me in a tight spot now. It looked like Ben wanted to be friends at the very least. Maybe more. Either way, he would eventually have to find out that I was gay. But I had only just told the people who were closest to me. And most of them weren't told exactly, they just found out. I had to stick to my guns and tell him I wasn't gay, he may have been okay with telling a complete stranger that he was gay, but I wasn't. "Positive." I smiled. "Ben, I couldn't help but notice that earlier today you said I, 'looked nice.'" I hope I wasn't reading too much into this compliment but it's a strange thing for a guy to say to another guy. "Yeah." He beamed. "Oh wait, you don't think..." he began laughing, "That was when I thought you were gay. I was just trying to give you a few hints that I was gay. Butter you up and soften the ground a bit for when I told you about me. So you're really not gay?" he broached the subject this time a little more light heartedly. "No," I said. Now it was my turn to look at the table. "Wow, I was sure you were gay, no offense but I thought I'd caught you staring at a few guys before. Especially that guy Ryan in our year. I thought you had a thing for him." He chuckled. I could feel my face exploding with heat. I was so embarrassed that I think my cheeks were pioneering new shades of red. I hope Ryan hasn't noticed me staring at him. I looked up from the table and he was looking at me sceptically. "Nope, I'm one hundred per cent straight," I said feigning a smile. "So we're still friends? You don't have a problem with the whole gay thing?" He asked. "Yeah, friends." "I'd prefer it if you didn't tell anyone." "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone," I said. "Thanks, it feels great to get it off my chest and just tell someone." He beamed another smile at me. "Wait, what do you mean 'tell someone'? Am I the first person you've told?" Again he looked down at the table. And I thought I was the one with eye contact issues. "Well yeah, kinda." "Ben, don't take this the wrong way, but why? I hardly know you. Up until yesterday we hadn't even spoken to each other. Now you're sitting across from me telling me you're gay. Why?" "Firstly, I'm sorry I thought you were gay," he said. I cringed as he said the words. I was going to have one hell of a guilt trip later tonight. "But I've been desperate to tell someone...anyone. And I thought you were gay too, so I thought it would be easier coming out to someone who was like me. I mean, you're really not gay?" He persisted. "No," I answered with a bit of frustration in my voice. I don't know why he found it so hard to believe. I'm not blind to the fact that people question the sexuality of guys in skinny jeans and guys with dyed hair; but I like sports, I love to have a good drink, and I have a pretty unhealthy obsession with anything electronic or mechanical. Besides the fact that I want to screw guys; not girls; and I have a few small things about my appearance that society deems to be, "gay" I'm really quite a guy's guy. "I was really sure as well." He said sounding defeated. "Guess I'll have to work on looking more macho in future," I joked. We both had a laugh at this and then began the task of tackling the lab report. We decided to write it on paper first and then type up our final draft on the computer. Quite a few hours and several coffees later, with the sun long gone, we decided to call it a night. Well, it was Ben who called it a night; I think he took pity on me. My sleep deprived state of mind was not conducive to the technical writings of a lab report. Our timetable indicated that we had every Wednesday free so we decided to meet up at the same time next week to finish the report. If we didn't finish it on the Tuesday, then we could use the free day we had on the Wednesday. We both said our goodbyes and bumped fists again. There was something about bumping fists that I found fulfilling. Strange, I know. But it's like the male way of hugging. I made my way back to the flat and crept inside. It was nearly eleven o'clock and after the mood I left Alex in earlier today, I didn't want to see him. I went into the toilet and cleaned up for bed. I made it back to my room without meeting anyone. After stripping off, I lay on top of my bed and surveyed the day's events. Everything has been happening so fast lately. It seems like a lifetime ago when I was being kicked out of my home and lost those who were closest to me. Now, I've moved into a flat, met new people, and even befriended someone who is gay. It all seemed so crazy. The coffee had my mind running into a frenzy. I felt a familiar stirring in my boxers. I forgot how horny coffee made me. My mind was telling me to take care of the problem in my boxers, but my body was just pleading to shut down. I suppose in this instance, matter over mind won out. I rolled over and looked around at my room while trying to ignore my erection. I could lie to myself about many things. Some of them, I might actually believe. Like Tweak will come to his senses and give me a text asking to meet up with me. Or that my dad will calm down, see reason, and ask me to come home. But I began to wonder how long was I going to have to keep this charade up for? Pretending everything was alright. Using every ounce of mental restraint to think about anything but the mammoth problems that were gnawing away at my sub-conscious. Problems like this fucking bedroom! It didn't just, "need some work," it needed an overhaul. I hated the way it looked. I hated how desolate and free of emotion it was. I hated the colour of the walls; hated the stupid desk with no fucking chair; hated the vast areas of unoccupied space, and most of all, I hated that I was fucking stuck in it! To Be Continued... Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!